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A few months before Karl had talked about his asexuality on Trainwreck’s podcast, he’d told Sapnap. Both tipsy (okay - maybe drunk) on their backs on Karl’s sofa, their legs over the arm rests and the tops of their heads touching in the middle. Sapnap’s mind was hazy, unsure how their conversation had steered in this direction.
“So I guess it just doesn’t really occur to me, you know? I just don’t think about it.”
“Wow, dude.” Sapnap said for what must be the fifth time in a minute.
“I read that normal people think about sex every day. Is that real? That doesn’t sound real to me.”
“Normal people.” Sapnap repeated. Somewhere in his mind he was aware that this was a serious conversation and he should try to say something sensible, something comforting, but he had nothing.
“Other people, I guess. I don’t know. Do you think about sex every day?”
Sapnap laughed. Karl’s hand reached over their heads, fingertips stretching out to brush lightly across Sapnap’s face. Sapnap caught his wrist and pulled it down to his chest. “I guess I do.” He said finally. After a moment’s silence he added, tentatively, “Do you not like it?”
“Sex?”
“Yeah.”
“I don’t know. It feels nice, I guess.” Karl said quietly.
“But you don’t want to do it just because it feels nice?”
“I just don’t think about it. I think it’s-” Karl pulled his arm from Sapnap’s grasp. The younger man followed him with his eyes as Karl sat up, put his hands on his knees, and continued, “I don’t look at people and think I want to have sex with them. That’s what other people have, right? That’s what you have?”
“I guess.”
He’d barely finished talking when Karl continued, “So I don’t have that. It just doesn’t really occur to me. Other people, like, want to have sex with people they find attractive to feel close to them. Or whatever. I don’t need that.”
“So you’d let anyone get you off? If it’s just for the feeling?”
“Well no, I’d want it to be a person that I trust a lot. If I’m, like, letting them touch me like that.”
Whatever filter sober Sapnap had, drunk Sapnap was missing. His mouth opened to say something he would’ve never dared to if it hadn’t been for the 6? 7? beers he’d had that evening. “Do you trust me enough?”
A beat of silence before Karl’s drunk mind met Sapnap’s in the middle, “Probably, yeah.”
“You’d let me get you off?” Sapnap sat up. Sobered by the change in the direction of the conversation.
“Well, yeah.”
It was weird to realise that the idea of it tugged at his abdomen. Sure, Karl was beautiful, hot, objectively so, but he was his best friend. A guy, at that. So why did he catch himself checking his sweatpants, making sure his interest wasn’t visible? And why did he then glance over at Karl’s to see if he was interested, too? While the sober part of his mind tried to talk himself out of it, the drunk part had already jumped the gun, “Do you want to?”
“Now?”
“Yeah?”
“I’m- we’re both drunk. This is probably not a good idea.” Karl said.
They were now both sat up, avoiding each other’s gazes but knees gently pressed together. The fact that Karl hadn’t pulled away when Sapnap had made his offer gave him courage, “If we wait an hour, maybe two, until we’re both sober? Would you want to then?” When Karl hesitated for a moment, he quickly added, “Unless you just don’t want to, of course. You don’t have to at all. I was just-”
“-No, I want to.” Karl interrupted.
“Yeah?” Sapnap asked when Karl didn’t elaborate further.
“Yeah. Just, two hours? Okay? And then we think about it again. And if we decide not to then we never talk about it again.”
It was the weirdest two hours of Sapnap’s life, waiting to sober up so he could give his best friend a handjob. By far. They sat and watched some episodes of an anime (One Piece maybe?) but his mind was not with it for even a second. He was picturing Karl’s hips, his stomach, what his face would look like when Sapnap touched him. He’d given up trying to keep his thoughts PG, even while he sobered, figured there was no point if it was about to become reality anyway.
“That’s two hours.” Karl said. Finally.
Sapnap was relieved it was him that brought it up, so he didn’t seem overly eager. It wasn’t just him pushing something on Karl that he might not want. “Do you still want to?”
“If you still want to.”
It was more nerve-wracking now that he was sober, but he couldn’t deny that the second Karl had mentioned the time being up he’d felt excited butterflies in his stomach. “Should we go to your bedroom or something?”
Karl laughed, a nervous outburst that broke a bit of the heavy tension that had settled, “Sounds intimate.”
“Is sex ever intimate to you?”
“Well, come on, you’re still going to touch my dick. I may not be sexually attracted to you or anyone, but that’s still something.”
“Okay, we can do it here if you prefer.”
“I think I do.” Karl got up. Sapnap heard him jog up the stairs, and return with a towel. He grinned awkwardly as he covered the couch and leaned back against the cushions. “Alright. I’m ready.”
Sapnap wasn’t sure where one would start when giving their best friend a platonic handjob.
“You don’t have to.” Karl said, mistaking Sapnap’s silence for hesitation.
“No, I want to, I just- what can I do? Is it just, like, a hand on your dick and that’s all?”
“What else do you want to do?” Karl asked, a nervous smile playing on his lips.
Sapnap was racking his brain trying to think of how this usually went. What he would’ve done if Karl was just a girl he’d gone home with for the night. His eyes roamed Karl’s body, considering where he wanted to touch, where he’d be allowed to. His hand finally reached out, almost by its own volition, before Sapnap really knew where it was going. He brushed Karl’s jumper up, exposing a small strip of the white skin underneath. Karl’s face told him nothing when he glanced up, his friend’s eyes following his movements but doing nothing to stop him. Experimentally, he leaned down and pressed his lips to the skin, his hands settling on either side of Karl’s waist. “That okay?”
“Yeah.” Karl said quietly.
Sapnap let his hands slide up a little, tracing Karl’s ribs with his fingertips, as he pressed more soft kisses to his abdomen. A shaky breath from above encouraged him to continue.
“You didn’t have to make it romantic, man.” Karl said. But the joke lost its edge with the blush on his cheeks.
“Dude, if I’m gonna give you a handjob I’m not gonna make it mid. Don’t want you thinking that that’s my peak performance.”
Karl let out a shaky laugh, “Fine, fine, romance me then.”
“I will, I will. Tell me to stop if I do something you don’t want to, okay?”
Karl nodded.
Sapnap undid the little looped knot Karl had made in the drawstrings of his sweatpants. Now that he finally allowed himself to look, after one more confirmation from his friend that he did genuinely want this, he could see that Karl was half hard already. He pulled his sweats down to reveal his blue underwear.
The tactic he’d settled on was to do whatever he liked when girls did to him: gentle touches, teasing until he wanted it so bad he couldn’t think of anything else. His fingers traced Karl’s inner thighs, revelling in the way the man underneath him relaxed and opened his legs slightly further, inviting him in.
Karl’s hips showed through the fabric of his underwear, becoming more visible as he arched his back ever so slightly. Sapnap’s mouth was watering, he couldn’t help it. He was uncomfortably hard in his sweats, just from the look on Karl’s face, the trust in his eyes, the way his fingers twitched as they lay slack next to his body on the couch. Sapnap pressed his lips just above the waistline of his underwear, eyes closing as he got his first sound out of Karl. Just the tiniest noise, barely more than a breath, but it was there and it was gorgeous and Sapnap couldn’t think straight. “You okay?” He breathed.
“Yeah, yeah. Sorry, am I doing something wrong?”
“No, god, no. This is kind of hot.” The words were out of his mouth before he could stop himself, but he didn’t take them back. He’d be lying if he said he hadn’t meant it.
“Oh.” Was all Karl could muster. Whatever else he might’ve wanted to say was taken from his throat by Sapnap’s fingers touching his cock, tracing him from the base to the tip.
He was fully hard now, but Sapnap was determined not to get his underwear off until there was a wet patch on the fabric. Wanted Karl at least a little desperate before giving him proper relief.
For a one-off platonic handjob, Sapnap found himself trying to figure out what Karl liked, what made his breath speed up and his stomach muscles tense. Trying another move he’d used on girls before, he pushed Karl’s legs further apart to settle between them, and was rewarded by another soft noise from the back of his throat. “Could you take your hoodie off?”
Karl didn’t reply, just scrambled to push himself up on his elbows and pull his hoodie over his head, his T-shirt coming with it.
His body was skinny, ribs visible under pale skin: the way it had looked every time Sapnap had seen it when he wasn’t about to give him a handjob, yet now it was hard to pull his gaze away. Sapnap allowed himself a full once-over before he leaned up and pressed an open-mouthed kiss to Karl’s happy trail, then up just above his belly button, his sternum, and his chest. Carefully, he reached over and tilted Karl’s chin up and to the side to allow himself access to his neck.
He had light goosebumps when Sapnap’s lips connected. The younger man felt the shuddering breath run through his throat and chased another, his teeth grazing sensitive skin.
“Still okay?” Sapnap asked.
“Yes, Sapnap, it’s-” He was cut off by a gasp, pulled from his mouth when Sapnap experimentally sucked a bit of skin into his mouth, grazed it with his teeth, and licked over it to soothe the spot. “It’s fine.” He breathed, barely audible if Sapnap hadn’t been right next to his mouth.
Sapnap’s gaze ran over the red blot now marking Karl’s skin. A noise left his throat before he could pull himself together, but when he looked up Karl’s head had fallen back against the cushions and his eyes were shut. He hadn’t noticed.
He got to work leaving more marks. No matter the reasons he might have had for offering his best friend a platonic handjob, he didn’t think leaving hickeys on his neck would’ve been a necessary part of the equation. But he couldn’t stop himself. With every mark he left, his pants got impossibly tighter.
When he finally reached down, he realised with satisfaction that there was now a wet spot on the front of Karl’s underwear. He slipped a fingertip under the waistband, stopping for a second to enjoy the noise it got out of Karl, then moving to trace the soft skin down to the left of his cock.
As he continued to kiss and suck at his neck, Sapnap’s fingers explored down below, touching the line where his legs met his torso. It wasn’t until Karl whined, actually whined, that he reached over and put his hand on his cock.
His back immediately arched, head pushed back and chin tilted up. One of Karl’s hands finally moved from its spot on the couch next to him to grasp at Sapnap’s shoulder. “Please.” He muttered, a weak protest against the slow movement of the younger’s hand.
“Take these off then.”
Karl didn’t have to be told twice, kicking his underwear off and onto the floor. It stunned Sapnap a little, to have his friend naked and so desperately turned on in front of him. Something that would’ve seemed unimaginable just a few hours ago but now seemed almost necessary to his sanity. He wasn’t sure how he was ever meant to go back to getting off with random girls after he’d seen Karl like this, had felt him shiver underneath him and knew what he looked like with his eyes pressed shut and hand clutching at the couch cushions.
“Still okay?” Sapnap asked, his hand hovering in mid-air from where he’d stopped himself.
“Yeah, I’m okay. Is this- is this weird?”
“I don’t know. Maybe. Does it matter? You’re getting a handjob out of it.”
Karl laughed, “What are you getting out of it?”
Sapnap shrugged as if he was unsure. He was scared to open his mouth, afraid that he’d lie, or worse: say the truth. That this was hot and he was turned on and the second Karl turned his back after this he was going to get himself off in the bathroom. “I just want to, okay?”
“Okay, if you’re sure.” Karl lay back down and took a deep breath that turned shaky in the middle. Sapnap wanted him to relax again - didn’t like how the interruption had taken Karl out of the headspace he’d been in.
He ran his hands over his friend’s stomach, taking a moment to admire how the muscles flexed under his hands. Karl’s body was responsive; every little touch got a movement out of him and when he did especially well, a noise. It was addictive to find just the right places to touch or press his lips to. His neck was a sensitive place, he’d found, and he was once again rewarded with a soft moan when he connected his lips to the skin there. He was more gentle this time, no biting, just gentle sucking and licking while his hands explored Karl’s chest. When his left hand came up a bit higher, brushing Karl’s throat with his thumb on one side and the rest of his fingers on the other, he heard the older man’s breath catch as he tilted his head back. “Oh.” He said softly. Karl went red, tried to sit up, but was pushed back down by Sapnap’s hand. “That’s- okay. I can- I can do that, if you want?”
“Just, lightly. Don’t squeeze or anything.”
Sapnap nodded eagerly. He moved his hand up to fully wrap around Karl’s throat, and applied just the slightest bit of pressure. Karl shivered. His hips bucked up at nothing as his hand came up to grab a hold of the younger man’s hoodie. “Choking, huh?” Sapnap said. He hadn’t intended for his words to be so quiet but he simply didn’t have enough air in his lungs to speak louder.
“Kind of.” Karl breathed, “Not enough to actually do anything, just enough to know that you could.”
And maybe that was Sapnap’s thing too, because his cock twitched at those words. Slightly rougher than he needed to, just to see Karl’s reaction, he dug his nails into the sides of his neck and pushed him further into the cushions. Karl moaned, a desperate sound from the back of his throat.
With his free hand, Sapnap reached down and properly wrapped his fingers around Karl’s cock. He was leaking precome. When Sapnap spread it around his tip, he squirmed away from the touch. He seemed more sensitive than Sapnap was used to with himself, so he moved his hand further down towards the base of his cock before he started moving. He found a slow rhythm, letting go of Karl’s throat to rest his left hand on his chest instead, and leaned back a little to admire the sight in front of him. Karl had finally let his eyes fall shut. Sapnap could see him tense slightly with each upwards movement of his hand. He felt his friend’s grip on his hoodie tighten and without thinking wrapped his left hand around Karl’s, squeezing it softly, comfortingly.
He sped up his movements, revelling in the now steady stream of noises escaping Karl’s lips and the way his back arched. Sapnap felt the urge to praise him, to tell him he looked incredible and was doing so well but he kept quiet, worried it’d be too much, too intimate.
“I’m getting close.” Karl muttered, eyes now squeezed shut in pure pleasure.
“You’re okay, you can come.” Just the thought of Karl coming was enough to pull a groan from Sapnap’s throat. He tightened his grip and sped up his movements. Karl’s breathing was erratic now, going from holding his breath for a while to taking short ones in quick succession. “You look-” He stopped himself just in time.
“Look what?” Came the laboured reply.
“Beautiful.”
Karl’s orgasm washed over him. His back arched into it, head tilted back and hands grabbing at whatever they could. He made a guttural noise that sent shivers down Sapnap’s spine. His face was tense with pleasure, his mouth just slightly open and his eyes pressed tightly shut. Spurts of come reached up to Karl’s chest as it shook through him, until he finally stilled. His hand let go of Sapnap’s hoodie but was kept in place by the younger man squeezing him tightly.
“God, that was- I can’t believe we just did that.”
Still out of breath, Karl opened his eyes, “Do you regret it?” He seemed to shrink a little at his own question.
“No, no, not at all. I literally- Karl you looked hot. Like, I’ve gotten you off now, I think I can say that.”
“Shut up.” Karl said, laughing now that the tension was broken.
Sapnap grinned at him, shaking his head. “Here, lift up a second.” He pulled the towel out from under Karl’s body and began to clean him up. “Before it gets all nasty.” He clarified.
“Yeah, thanks.”
They were quiet for a few minutes while Sapnap worked and Karl caught his breath, until the towel got thrown on the ground and Karl pulled his underwear back on.
“So that did nothing for you?”
“What, you want a compliment? It felt good.” Karl replied, searching the floor for his sweatpants.
“No, you idiot, you don’t, like, feel closer to me or anything now?”
“Why? Are you in love with me now?”
Sapnap felt his face flush. “Well not necessarily.”
“Not necessarily? What about unnecessarily?”
“Stop it, you’re such an idiot.”
“Yeah? Maybe we should hug it out.”
“You want to cuddle after sex too? Of course you do.” Sapnap said, regaining some sense of control.
“You fell in love with me by giving me a handjob, I’ll fall in love with you by cuddling you.”
Sapnap punched his friend in the arm playfully, “You’re being so annoying right now. I just watched you come, remember? Humble yourself.”
“Okay, and you just called me beautiful while I came.”
“So? You looked beautiful.” Sapnap turned away to try to hide the redness on his cheeks, but Karl was already hanging off his arm and grinning down at him. “Let me go wash my hands and we can watch a movie or something, okay?”
“Okay, okay.” Karl said. But the tone of his voice told Sapnap he was only giving up on this conversation for now, and would definitely be bringing it up again later.
It didn’t matter, anyway. The only thing on Sapnap’s mind was how quickly he could get himself off in Karl’s bathroom. Maybe he’d be able to have this conversation properly once he wasn’t so fucking hard anymore.
When he came back from the bathroom, Karl graciously didn’t say anything about the 15 minutes he’d taken to supposedly just wash his hands. The older man had settled under a blanket on the couch and Sapnap saw his eyes flutter open as he entered the room. “You tired?”
“Yeah, a little.”
“Do you want to go to bed?”
“Not yet. Cuddle after sex, remember?”
Sapnap rolled his eyes but sank down on the couch next to his friend, pulling the blanket over his legs. Karl rested his head on his shoulder and sighed contentedly.
“It’s working.” Karl said quietly, just over halfway through the movie.
“What is?”
“The cuddling. I’m falling in love.”
“Oh, shut up.”
“You shut up.”
They laughed, Karl reaching over to tickle Sapnap’s side and Sapnap countering by reaching for his underarm.
He wasn’t quite sure how this had changed their dynamic. Maybe they weren’t in love, or maybe they’d already been in love beforehand. It didn’t matter. Sapnap just hoped they’d keep cuddling, being close, and that maybe he’d be allowed to touch his friend like that again. All the rest was just an afterthought.