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“Never?”
Lilia shook his head. “Never.”
“Never ever?”
“I just haven’t seen a reason why I should.” Lilia set his controller onto his bedside table.
Idia, awkwardly squeezed into Lilia’s too-small-too-short bed, fiddled with the d-pad of his own controller. “That’s crazy to me. I can’t imagine going to a single housewarden meeting without smoking at least a little. It puts life on easy mode.”
“That’s because you’re scared of your own shadow.” Lilia jumped off the bed and wandered over to his mini fridge. “I guess the opportunity just hasn’t come up. It’s not like I’ve been offered a hit before. And I’m not going to seek out something that costs money that I don’t care for.”
“How is it possible that you have been alive for untold decades yet you’ve never been high?” Idia asked. “No one has ever offered you anything?”
“I was a single dad of two. Kind of.” Lilia shrugged. “And I still technically am only eighteen. So I guess no one assumed I would want it. I was, what do you call it? ‘Adulting’ from a young age.” He grabbed two energy drink cans and made his way back to the bed.
Idia worried his blue bottom lip between his teeth. He looked like he was thinking a bit too hard. Whenever he did that, Lilia would find himself staring and trying to figure out what was going on in that mysterious head. He could never find a satisfying answer.
“What’s up?” Lilia asked.
“Well…” Idia cast his eyes to the side. “Would you want to?”
“Want to what?”
“Smoke weed. With me.”
Lilia didn’t know the right answer to that.
“You don’t have to if you don’t want to.” Idia said. “I just wanted to offer, at least.”
“...Let me think about it.”
Lilia thought about it for a total of four days before he decided he should probably act like a normal teenager for once.
“Okay.” Lilia cornered Idia in the halls after history class. “Okay, let’s do it.”
Idia shoved his hands in his pockets and looked around nervously. “Am I in trouble?”
“No. Let’s do it. I’ll try smoking with you.”
He perked up. “Oh. Cool. Cool, let’s do it. Thursday?”
Lilia nodded, acting way too official and militaryesque for something as simple as this. His head was held high, his body was too stiff. No wonder Idia had offered to smoke with him - he probably really fucking needed it. “Alright. Thursday. I’ll see you then. My dorm.”
Lilia was so nervous he cleaned his room twice in one day. He nearly jumped out of his skin when Idia knocked on his door. Idia, though, was fine. Completely normal. He walked in with his hood up, chewing on the strings of his sweatshirt with his razor-sharp teeth. “Hey.” He nodded in greeting.
“Hey, Gloomy.”
Idia picked up on the weird energy instantly. “So…are you going to be weird about this?”
“No.” Lilia answered too quickly.
“...Right.”
Idia got comfortable in the blanket pile that had formed on the floor in front of Lilia’s TV, right at the end of his bed. He pulled out a bag of what Lilia could only assume is drug paraphernalia. It looked a bit more intimidating than Lilia was expecting.
“You seem like the person to have a vape.”
Idia looked genuinely hurt. “Why would you ever say that?” He whined.
Lilia cocked his head. “Did I say something wrong?”
“Only dumb chads vape. I smoke the actual flower, because I’m based.”
“Were you ever socialized as a child?”
Idia flushed dark blue. “What does that mean?”
“Nothing.” Lilia gingerly sat down next to him. He tucked his feet under him. “So. What do you do then?”
“I pack a bowl, then I smoke it. That’s it. Nothing fancy.” Idia got to work doing exactly that as Lilia watched on, curious as ever. Idia’s boney fingers finished the job before Lilia fully registered the methods of action. Then, he was producing a spark with his finger. “Okay. Do you want to watch first?”
Lilia stared at Idia’s flame with wide eyes. He nodded in silence.
Idia used his fire to light the bowl, then inhaled slowly and deeply. There was something about the action that felt oddly intimate, like a private ritual that was voyeuristic to watch. Idia radiated the same type of focus that he usually did while gaming - like nothing else in the world was happening besides what was happening in his head. When Idia exhaled, his eyes fluttered shut and his jaw angled just so. The light from his hair hit the smoke and made it glitter.
Lilia caught himself staring. He turned away. “So that’s it?”
“See? It’s nothing to be freaked out about. Do you want to go for it now?” Idia held out the pipe.
Lilia took it, poked at the cherry in the ashes with a long claw, then went to inhale. He tried to do it for the exact same amount of seconds that Idia did, because that was what he was supposed to do. Right?
Wrong.
The burning feeling was instant. Everything was hurting - his lungs, his eyes, his nose. Lilia felt Idia’s hand smack him on the back as he tried to catch his breath between violent coughs. He rubbed his chest as he grasped at the air towards his mini fridge. Idia got the hint and fetched him a soda, continuing to rub his back as he downed the whole can in one go.
“Holy shit.” Lilia’s voice sounded burnt. “That was terrible!” He coughed into his elbow.
“You might have gone in with too much confidence.” Idia said. “We can cut it for your next hit if that helps make it easier.”
“How?”
Idia thought for a moment. “Well, there’s something we could try. But it might be a bit cringe. I’ve done it before and it’s not too bad, but still. It’s a little…Here. I might just have to do it to show you.”
Idia gave Lilia three instructions. One, stay still. Two, breath in. Three, don’t hold it for too long or he would choke again. It seemed easy enough.
It became endlessly more complicated when Idia leaned in not even inches away from Lilia’s lips after taking a hit, and poured smoke from his mouth into Lilia’s. Even with his brain short-circuiting over the sudden closeness, Lilia was able to follow instructions. Don’t move, in, and out in a timely manner.
“That’s called shotgunning. Here, let’s do another. You looked like you didn’t get anything that time.
The second time made more sense. Lilia was prepared for Idia’s terrifying proximity. But ‘prepared’ and ‘was strong enough for’ are different concepts.
He closed his eyes to make it easier.
Lilia exhaled, the smoke trailing up between them like a silver stream. His eyes opened, and there was Idia, still hunched over him with heavy-lidded champagne eyes. His tongue darted over his bottom lip, and Lilia almost fell over.
“How do you feel?” His voice came out raspy.
“I…” Lilia looked up at him, eyes wide, lips parted perfectly just an inch too far away. Lilia hoped he would. Lilia wanted him to.
He didn’t.
Instead, Idia turned away and dumped out the ashes from the bowl into the trash. “Let’s start with that.”
After putting on a movie, Idia let Lilia tuck himself in on the floor. They sat next to each other, close enough to feel the thick space between them. They were under separate blankets, but their knees would hover too close.
It didn’t take too long for Idia to pack a second bowl. And a third. It just happened so quickly.
They kept moving closer and closer to each other with each inhale, each exhale, each second that they breathed for each other. They shared oxygen, they shared space, they shared long and lingering stares that made both of them feel a little dizzy. But it was easy to blame it on the weed, so they could turn away and ignore it. They could pretend like it wasn’t their fault, that it wasn’t happening. Even though they both were thinking it and feeling it.
It was easier to just take a breath, blow out smoke, and look at the TV.
The movie they were watching ended. A second one started. They didn’t notice where one stopped and where one began, because they were too busy trying to figure out where they themselves stopped and started. Everything was hazy, except for the clear outlines of each other’s faces.
The next day, neither of them brought it up. They woke up late, rushed to class, and didn’t even text for the rest of the day.
Idia was like that sometimes. Lilia had noticed a pattern. He would open up more than usual, just enough for Lilia to see his real self, and then Idia would ghost for a week like he was recovering from a self-rejection he had manifested.
He always came back though. That was important. That was enough for Lilia. If seven days of anxious silence had to be exchanged for a late-night intimate conversation, then so be it.
Lilia found himself counting down the days of the week a lot more intensely this time.
Thursday rolled around again. Idia and Lilia met up in Lilia’s room this time. A new map had been released on their favorite FPS and it was time to play it for eight hours straight with no bathroom breaks.
But it was cut short by Idia, which was unusual and unnerving. That man didn’t even pause gaming to piss. “Can we actually take a smoke break? Today was really hard for me. I had a panic attack at lunch again.”
“Of course.” Lilia fiddled with the hem of his tee shirt. “Do you think I could join again? I mean, only if you have extra stuff.”
He nodded. “I do.”
This time was worse than the first. Now that they could be considered comfortable with being millimeters from each other’s faces, they had no sense of boundaries with a little bit of THC in them. They pressed up against each other on the bed in no time, getting to the main event of using each other to smoke before the first song they put on even hit the chorus. They painted each other’s nails, tangled their legs together and fell asleep in Lilia’s bed with the loud EDM music playing.
Lilia woke up in Idia’s sweatshirt long before Idia stirred. He could only vaguely remember how he got it - he probably said he was cold, Idia probably offered it. He was nice like that. Lilia took off the sweatshirt, folded it meticulously, left it on top of Idia’s large lump in Lilia’s small bed, and then disappeared to class.
Idia didn’t get to school until close to noon. He was wearing the sweatshirt.
Idia started to walk closer to Lilia in the halls. He would sit closer to Lilia on couches. He would be quiet about it, no fanfare and no fuss, but he was getting closer to Lilia in every sense of the word.
Lilia wouldn’t dare to draw attention to it, lest it stop forever.
This dynamic was a time bomb. Lilia could feel it. Something, someone, was going to break and then Lilia would have to have the conversation with himself that he had been dreading for a year. He was older than some countries, and yet he was brought to his knees by the mere concept of having a possible crush on a friend.
How pathetic.
“It’s hard being friends with you sometimes.” Lilia let it slip during their third smoke session, while some kind of shitty Christmas movie was playing in the background. They were on opposite sides of Lilia’s bed, not talking but not being silent.
Idia looked up from his phone. “What?” He sounded confused, too confused to be offended.
Lilia thought for a moment, the weed pulling stuck thoughts out of his clogged brain. “I just can’t read you sometimes. Or ever. Actually, that’s not true. I can tell when you’re anxious or when you’re angry. But never when you’re…anything else.”
Idia paused. After a second, he set his phone down and pulled his knees to his chest. “Is that such a bad thing?”
“I mean, I think I would enjoy actually knowing my best friend of a year. That would be cool.” The filter was off. Lilia couldn’t help himself. “Sometimes it’s like pulling teeth just to know what your favorite color is.”
There was hesitation before Idia spoke again. “My favorite color is green.”
Lilia held his gaze, unblinking. “Mine is pink.”
“Now we know each other’s favorite colors.” Idia said. “Can we just chill out? I just want to put on some music and stare at the ceiling.”
“Why don’t you want to talk to me?”
“We are talking.”
“No, like. Talk. Why don’t you talk to me?”
Idia rolled his eyes and pushed himself off the bed. “I’m not doing this tonight. I’m too tired. I’m leaving.” He started to gather his things, skillfully avoiding Lilia’s eyes the entire time. “I need to go to bed anyway.”
Meanwhile, Lilia thought he was going to burst into tears. “Wait. Wait, wait, don’t.” He scrambled to his face. “Gloomy - “
“You know I don’t like talking about this stuff. I don’t like personal stuff like this.” Idia frowned, still not meeting Lilia’s stare. “I want to go back to my room.” He unceremoniously shoved his things into his itabag and stood to leave. “See you later.”
“If you don’t want to be personal, then what the hell has this last month been?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Idia shoved his hands in his pockets. He had the same tone of voice that he used when he lost a round, or dropped in rank. Like he had failed somehow. It was the voice that meant he was angry at himself, at how he performed. Like this had all been a strategy in his head and he had messed up. He had lost his footing and Lilia had bested him.
Because Lilia had caught him in the act.
“Shit.” Lilia’s shoulders dropped. “You thought I wasn’t noticing. Didn’t you? You thought I wasn’t noticing all the, you know, touching or whatever.”
Idia scowled, eyes still focused on the carpet. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.” He repeated.
“Say it all you want, I’m not stupid.” Lilia crossed his arms. “You’re all stultified because this game won’t be fun for you anymore.”
Idia snorted, shaking his head. “Not you using your big-words-dad-voice on me.”
“What else am I supposed to do? Let you walk out the door to ignore me for a month until you’ve decided you’re ready to talk again?”
“Yeah. Literally yeah.”
“I can’t do that.”
“Why?”
Lilia’s throat was dry. “Because…Well…” He shuffled his feet on the carpet, looking down to watch his pale toes curl into the fabric. “I feel better when you don’t do that. I feel better when you’re around. I like hanging out with you, and I like being around you, and you make me feel warm inside in a way that I haven’t really felt in a few hundred years, and…” When he looked up again, Idia was finally looking him in the eye. The final words wouldn’t come out of his throat.
“Same.” was Idia’s only response.
Lilia would have never expected in a million years that Idia Shroud, the man who cries when he orders in the cafeteria, would be the type of person to initiate a first kiss. It caught Lilia so off guard that he flinched, half expecting that Idia was moving forward to punch him instead. But he kissed him. He kissed him, lips parted and eager like he had been waiting to steal Lilia’s oxygen like this for longer than he could even imagine.
When their lips collided, it was obvious that Idia didn’t have too much experience. His sharp teeth didn’t really have the skill to navigate around a tongue. He was still graceful, though, and he tasted like energy drinks and ashes. It was a flavor that stirred something deep in Lilia’s soul, a flavor he would walk to the ends of the earth to taste again.
Idia’s hands cupped Lilia’s face, cradling his cheeks and keeping him close as they continued to kiss. When Lilia remembered he needed to breathe, he also took a moment to get on his tip-toes so he could respond to Idia’s kissing with equal fervor. He dared to reach up and wrap his hands around Idia’s neck, tangling his fingers in the hair on the nap of his neck. The fire was warm, but not burning, and Lilia’s light tugging pulled a low noise from Idia’s throat that made Lilia dizzy.
Idia was the first to finally pull away. “I need to go to my room and decompress now.” He was panting as he spoke. “I promise not to run away and not talk to you. And I promise to try to be better about…well, everything you said. But I think if I stay here and have to look at you after kissing you, then I might die.”
Lilia was still trying to catch his breath. “Yeah. Yeah, go. I get it.”
“Can I come over tomorrow?”
“Yeah.”
Idia flashed a rare smile - a real one, shark teeth and all - before he pulled up his hood, covered his face and rushed out the dorm.
Lilia spent the whole night with two fingers pressed against his bottom lip, curled up under the covers and giggling. When Malleus went to get him up for school, he had already been awake for hours. It was impossible to sleep with your heartbeat pounding as hard as it was. He couldn’t remember feeling like this at any other point in his long life. Everything was Idia, everything was bright.
When the next day rolled around, Idia showed up as soon as his last class was up. Lilia would be lying if he said he wasn’t waiting for his knock. “Hey.”
Idia took off his headphones as he answered the door. “Hey. I, uh, finished all my panic attacks. So we can hang out again.”
Lilia waved him in. “Then come on.”
He stayed in the doorway, shifting around on his feet. “I also brought extra weed. If you wanted to - “
“Yes.” He nodded back. “Now, come on.”
Idia twiddled his thumbs. “I thought it would maybe be cool to, like. You know. Kiss after - “
“Idia, get into my fucking room.”
“Bet.”