Work Text:
Everything changed when Dazai left. Isn’t that how it always goes? I mean it makes sense right? When a constant in so many people’s lives vanish it is bound to have some effect. Well he left and everything fell apart. Chuuya knew he would be suspected even when his car was blown to bits. So he wasn’t surprised when he was called to Mori’s office.
“You summoned me sir?” asked Chuuya, standing before the large sleek desk.
“Ah Chuuya. I did.” Mori looked up from his paperwork and smiled. It did little to comfort Chuuya though. “I just want to see how you are taking the loss of your partner.”
“I did not assist in his escape,” said Chuuya quickly. “And yes it has been hard dealing with the work without him. Nothing I cannot manage though.”
“Oh but of course. You are a modal mafioso.” Mori stood up and walked slowly toward Chuuya. “I was considering giving you his position.”
“Are you sure sir?’ asked Chuuya. I mean of course he wanted the position but he wanted to beat Dazai to it, not fill the brunette's shoes.
“Well that’s not the main point of this meeting,” said Mori with a dismissive wave. “I’ll have my answer by the end of this meeting. I’m here with a question for you.”
“Yes?”
“You are loyal to me, aren’t you?”
“Of course,” responded Chuuya, instantly. “I promised you my loyalty and I do not break promises.”
Mori took another step closer, right within Chuuya’s comfort zone. He reached out a hand to gently caress the red-head’s cheek.
“I want you to know that any loyalty you show to me will be returned. I can take care of you Chuuya. I can raise you up higher in this organization. I can stand by your side where Dazai once stood.”
This was definitely not boss and subordinate talk and Chuuya did not like it. He was honestly sort of freaked out by the man’s behavior.
“I-I’m not sure what you mean sir. I am happy with my role in the mafia.”
“But you could be so much more,” said Mori, in a creepy breathless voice. “I too have an empty space that Dazai used to fill. I need help. You are loyal to me right?”
“Y-yes.”
“Then help me out.”
``What exactly are you saying boss?” asked Chuuya, putting emphasis on the word Boss.
Mori took another step closer so Chuuya had to crane his neck to meet Mori’s eyes.
“Do you know the nature of me and Dazai’s relationship?”
Dazai had never explained his relationship with their boss explicitly but Chuuya had picked up some understanding along the way. He could take a guess or two about it. Chuuya had never done anything in retaliation because he didn’t want to be wrong and he wanted to trust Dazai when he said everything was fine. He promised Mori loyalty and he didn’t want to believe that Mori was the absolute wrong person to be loyal too.
So basically he was living in denial.
“I-I can’t replace Dazai,” said Chuuya quickly. “I will never be Dazai.”
“Quite the contrary,” Mori purred. “I think you can be anything you set your mind to.” Mori paused a moment. “And I will add that if you refuse, that is proving you aren’t truly loyal to me.”
“Th-thats not f-fair,” stammered Chuuya. “You know I am loyal but that doesn’t mean I will-”
“Yes you will,” snarled Mori. He gripped Chuuya hard by the shoulders and spun him around. Mori slammed the red-head against the desk leaning in close. “I don’t like being disobeyed, Chuuya. You ought to know that. So you better listen to me very carefully. You will fill Dazai’s shoes or you will pay dearly for it. Understand?”
Chuuya stared on at Mori, terrified. Not a lot of things scared him but Mori angry definitely did.
“Y-yes sir.”
Mori’s entire expression changed as he smiled at Chuuya.
“Good boy.”
*******
As it turned out, all of Chuuya’s assumptions about Mori and Dazai’s relationship were correct. Any respect for the man was lost when Chuuya was able to confirm that the man was a sadistic pedophile. Dazai had been Mori’s sex toy and now Chuuya must fill those shoes.
Not one as a sex toy but as a mafioso too. Mori didn’t want a replacement. He wanted Dazai back just as he was before. And the only way Mori saw to get that was by changing Chuuya into his perfect little Demon Prodigy. Mori instructed him to fill out mission reports like Dazai, start dressing like Dazai, the whole nine yards. Even things Chuuya couldn’t control, Mori wanted to change.
“This hair of yours is disgusting,” snapped Mori one time. Chuuya had been able to force himself not to flinch but just barely. Mori grabbed a fistful of the red curls and yanked his head to the side. He picked a pair of scissors off of his desk.
“B-boss what are you-”
“Shut up,” shouted Mori. Chuuya tried to pull away but the growl in Mori’s throat gave him pause. The doctor cut out huge chunks of the red-hair, haphazardly. By the time he was done it was ugly and uneven. Then Mori had called someone to bring in brown hair dye so he could dye Chuuya’s hair.
And then two weeks later when the dye came out Mori had thrown another fit, cutting off more hair and stabbing Chuuya with the scissors.
Another time Mori had shown up with colored contacts insisting that Chuuya’s blue eyes were ‘wrong’. Chuuya had backed away at first, hating people coming near him especially coming near his face.
Mori had tried to be nice this time around but when Chuuya refused, Mori beat him black blue. After all of that Mori fucked him senselss before finally deciding Chuuya “learned his lesson.”
After all of that Chuuya was begging for Mori to just put the contacts in.
And then there were all the times Chuuya spoke.
Whenever Chuuya responded Mori would look annoyed. Eventually he told Chuuya that the red-head’s voice was wrong. They spent quite a lot of time trying to change Chuuya’s voice(with a lot of painful reinforcement) but it didn’t work. Chuuya couldn’t change the way his voice sounded. So Mori told him not to speak at all.
So he did.
Is this what loyalty meant? Breaking yourself apart to make other people happy? That didn’t sound right but that's what Mori said. And Chuuya was too tired to argue. Too tired to do anything.
*******
One day four years after Dazai’’s desertion the brunette showed up again. They ended up capturing him using some weird mafia method. Chuuya had been kept far away from this mission as possible, for ‘safety reasons’.
Chuuya didn’t bother going down to the dungeon to see his ex-partner. Mori would probably just rape him again for insubordination or soemthing. So Chuuya didn’t bother. Besides, Mori had just finished and Chuuya didn’t think he could move from the bed. Curled up under the sheets, no matter how dirty they were, knowing Mori would be at a meeting for a few hours was good enough for him.
Until there was a knock at the door.
Chuuya buried his face in a pillow and closed his eyes tight. Please don’t be Mori, please don’t be Mori, please don’t be Mori…
“Chibi are you in here?”
That wasn’t a voice he heard in a long time.
“Chhhhhibiiiiiiiii.”
The voice he had been forced to try to replicate.
The door to the side room was pushed open. Chuuya didn’t dare move. Hopefully Dazai would think he was just a pillow and leave.
“Chuuya I know you are under there. Will you come out?”
That sounded more like a command than a request and Chuuya was sick of disobeying commands. Besides, why should he be embarrassed? It wasn't like Dazai didn’t know this would happen. He was the smartest person on the fucking planet, he had to have known this would happen.
Chuuya sat up, pushing the sheets down to his waist. For a moment they just looked at eachother, noting all the changes.
Dazai honestly looked better. The tan coat made him seem less dangerous and cold than his mafia black one did. He had grown taller and filled out more than his mafia days. There might actually be some muscle on those twig bones. Plus now his eyes didn’t seem too dead. Dazai looked better on the whole. Chuuya was happy for him, glad that at least one of them had found salvation.
On the other hand, Chuuya knew he looked awful. Hair missing in large chunks, half stained brown. Empty sallow face from days without food. Dry red eyes with brown contacts that would be left in for days. Bare chest and arms, wrapped in half off bandages. Pale skin marked with bruises, cuts, and scars.
"Chuuya," said Dazai softly, full of pity. Pity that Chuuya had never shown Dazai when the brunette was abused by Mori. Now he felt even worse for not interfering. He should have been better. Then maybe Dazai wouldn’t have left him to Mori.
“Just get it over with,” whispered Chuuya, trying to make his voice sound less like his own. It was lighter, and more deadpan like Dazai’s used to be. That's about as far as he got in Morris "training". “Tell me I’m weak and go.”
“Why would I say you are weak?” asked Dazai, eyes not leaving the marks trailing Chuuya’s neck.
“Because you handled this better than me. I will always be second best” said Chuuya. If Dazai just hadn't existed Mori would be nicer with him. If Mori didn’t want Chuuya to be someone he wasn’t, someone who was a complete anomaly then maybe this would have been easier.
“I’m not thinking that at all Chuuya,” said Dazai, a strange look in his eyes. “I was going to say I’m sorry. I honestly didn’t think you would be who Mori picked. I figured you would be too old. I’m sorry. I never wanted this to happen to anyone, much less you.”
Chuuya didn’t respond. He hated how his own voice sounded and getting those few meager sentences out had been too much. He didn’t need to poison this world further with his awful voice.
“I can take you away from here Chuuya.” said Dazai. “I can get you out of here and the Agency will protect you.” Dazai ran a frustrated hand through his hair. “God if I had known I would have come for you sooner. You’ve been doing this for four years?”
Chuuya nodded, ignoring Dazai’s first statement. It was a lie anyway. His place was here and would always be here. Nothing he could do about it.
"I can take you somewhere people will care about you," said Dazai. He stepped closer and Chuuya flinched. Dazai froze, regret written across his face.
Chuuya had never seen Dazai so open with his emotions. I mean it still took Chuuya knowing him for years to decipher that much but even getting that far was a huge accomplishment.
"I am loyal to Mori," said Chuuya stiffly. That phrase sounded almost like Dazai said it, given how much Chuuya practiced saying it in the brunette's voice.
"But does he deserve your loyalty? Because he's not loyal to you. It has to go both ways, the boss has to be loyal and respect his subordinates. If Mori was loyal to you he wouldn't do this to you. Trust me I know. I've seen the other side Chuuya let me help you."
But Dazai left him here so why should Chuuya be loyal to him? Besides, Mori would never let him go.
"Chuuya, three of us were able to escape. The Agency can protect you. And they already respect you for being such a strong warrior. Once they see how devoted and loyal you are there is nothing they wouldn't do for you," said Dazai, smiling. "Trust me. They aren't like Mori. It's not fair I got out but you can't."
Chuuya ran a hand through his matted disgusting hair, hoping to delay having to answer.
"Besides," continued Dazai. "When have my tactical decisions ever led us astray?"
********
He must be insane. They were able to sneak out of the mafia building without much trouble because Dazai was well, Dazai. Chuuya still din’t know why he agreed to go in the first place. Mori would get pissed and coming back would be a hundred times worse.
But somewhere in his stupid racoon brain he figured that he should trust Dazai more than Mori. Now all he could hope was that his gut instincts were still correct.
Chuuya stood outside the Agency, shaking like a leaf. He hadn't been allowed to leave the Mafia, unless it was for a mission, in years. He had found some scattered clothes, a button up shirt and some slacks, in Mori's room. Dazai also tucked his new tan coat around the shivering Executive.
It was warm, Dazai’s coat. And even after all the changes Dazai went though it smelled like his old coat in the mafia. It was comforting even as it swallowed Chuuya whole. Dazai had also found Chuuyas hat that covered up the mess of Chuuya's hair. Thankfully Dazai hadn't asked too many questions about all the anomalies( the eyes, the hair, how little he talked). Dazai seemed to understand everything that had happened which made everything better and worse.
"Are you okay?" Asked Dazai, looking down at Chuuya. Chuuya nodded stiffly. Dazai led them up the stairs and knocked on the door.
"HELLO EVERYONE," shouted Dazai. "I FOUND ANOTHER MAFIA STRAY."
Everyone looked up to stare and Chuuya did not care for that shit at all. Still he just stiffened and stared out at them.
"Take him to see the President," said Kunikida. "If this isn't some stupid prank to get you out of work. And where have you been the past several days? Skipping work eh??"
Dazai simply grabbed Chuuya by the arm and led him to the President's office. After a quick knock the secretary opened the door and brought them to the President.
"Did you get my message?" Asked Dazai brightly.
"Yes," said the President. "You know I cannot let him join without testing his character."
"Sir he has been taking this test his whole life," said Dazai, sounding serious for the first time in his life. "You know about Suribachi city right? That explosion was caused by no other Chuuya because his ability was manufactured. He is a manufactured person but he is the most human person I have ever met. He was taken in by a group of kids called the Sheep and within a few years became their protector. They used him for his ability and his power but he didn't care, he just wanted to protect them.
“Then he joined the Mafia and he was such a weird mafioso. Even if he was angry and an asshole he still cared about everyone, subordinate or no. He would rather die than see other people die. And that was the mafia members. He also made sure that any damage that could be minimized would be minimized so that no bystanders were hurt. He was very particular about this because his ability was so destructive.
“Chuuya spent his whole life looking after people and giving them his loyalty. He was never good at picking who actually deserved that loyalty so I think he needs us too. That is why I am 100% sure that he will ace any test you can throw at him.”
Chuuya stared dumbstruck at Dazai. He hadn’t seen the man in nearly 4 years and now he was singing the Executives praises. Fukuzawa turned to look at Chuuya.
“Is this all true?”
Chuuya wanted to say that Dazai was blowing it out of proportion and he wasn’t really that great. Unfortunately, four years of being trained to hate the sound of his own voice made Chuuya just nod along. It didn’t matter. He could change to who they needed to be anyway. Who was he if not used, abused, and abandoned?
“Then if you would like to join the Armed Detective Agency it would be my pleasure to welcome you into it. If you would like to join we will set up the test for some time this week. It should be fairly simple; it will just let us know that you are serious about helping people. Does that sound fair?”
Chuuya nodded again.
“Then I look forward to seeing you as an Agency member Chuuya.”
“Great!” exclaimed Dazai. “Chuuya, would you mind stepping outside for a moment? I want to speak to the President about the test.”
Chuuya nodded and gave a short bow before heading outside.
“Mr. Fancy Hat!!” exclaimed a short blonde headed boy, bouncing up to Chuuya. “Is Ranpo right to say you are going to join the Agency?”
Chuuya nodded, slightly taken aback by the energy.
“That’s good,” said Kunikida. “Then there will finally be another person around to do some of this work instead of just slacking off. Dazai always spoke highly of you and how diligent you were with work.”
Chuuya bowed slightly, glad that one of them might like him without having to change too much.
“Yup Chuuya was such a workaholic,” said Dazai from behind Chuuya. Chuuya jumped a mile, breath quickening. Fortunately no one commented. “I think we are going to head out and get Chuuya ready for work tomorrow!” said Dazai, brightly. Chuuya nearly tripped in his hurry to follow Dazai out.
They left the building and set off at a brisk pace toward Dazai’s apartment.
“You're going to like it here Chuuya I’m sure of it,” said Dazai sounding genuinely happy. “I remember thinking about this on my first mission. Because at the end of it this woman looked up at me and stared me dead in the eyes and she said ‘thank you. You saved my son and for that I can never repay you.” Dazai smiled at the memory. “And everytime a mission goes well people thank us. Saying we saved people, improved lives. Doesn’t that sound amazing?”
Chuuya nodded for what must have been the millionth time today. The first people he looked after were the Sheep. After that he began to care for the mafia and then by extension Yokohama. It would be amazing to have a job that was based on helping people and not drenched in blood.
Plus no more Mori. No more following someone who he could no longer hold any respect for. But was it worth the risk of Mori finding him?
“Hey,” said Dazai, brushing his hand gently over Chuuya’s. “Even if he could figure out where you were, the only people he has ever been wary about are me and Fukuzawa. So you are going to be safe. Whether you like it or not you got the whole Agency behind you now. They love people who are willing to better themselves. Including the monstrous Demon Prodigy of the Port Mafia. You are going to be fine Chuuya.”
Chuuya nodded, praying he was right. He didn’t know who to believe anymore.
*******
That night Chuuya crashed hard. He crumpled onto Dazai’s futon and just slept. For the first time he didn’t wake up in the middle of the night tossing and turning. I guess his body still automatically related Dazai with safety. Sort of.
When Chuuya woke up with arms around him he had gone stiff as a board, breath catching. Dazai woke up soon after, muttering sleepily. As soon as Chuuya realized it wasn’t Mori he was able to relax a little. Still he wasn’t able to shake the crawling sensation in his skin.
They got ready for work, Chuuya showering and borrowing some of Dazai’s clothes, stuff that he was practically swimming in. Dazai let the red-head barrow his coat again too which made Chuuya feel much more protected.
They then left for the Agency, Dazai doing most(all) of the talking. He talked about the Agency, the past, its members, all that fun stuff. Chuuya soaked up the information trying to commit it to memory, knowing he wouldn’t be able to.
They met up with Atsushi heading up the stairs and he bid Chuuya a good morning. Atushi pulled the Agency door open and was immediately yanked through the door by black fabric.
“Atsushi!” shouted Dazai jumping through the door, only to be kicked to the ground by a person, dressed in the usual Mafia suit.
Chuuya clung to the door frame, feeling his knees weaken. Akutagawa was standing off to the side, Rashomon binding up the Agency members. Atsushi, looking dazed, was among them. Other mafia operatives spread out over the room keeping their guns trained on the Agency and the entrances. Three had Dazai pinned to the ground, not far from a pair of heeled boots.
Mori stood in the middle of the room, grinning widely.
“Chuuya my dear,” said Mori brightly, stepping forward. Chuuya tried to stumble back but Mori clicked his tongue. Chuuya’s feet froze of their own accord. “Look, I finally captured the Agency and I got you back. Today has been a very good day for me.”
Chuuya wanted to stammer out how glad he was that Mori’s day was great and that it was amazing that Mori was accomplishing all he wanted to accomplish.
Then his eyes caught on the Agency members.
What a spineless idiot he was, bending right back under Mori’s thumb. These people were willing to accept Chuuya into their ranks even with all the horrible things he had done. They were willing to give him a chance to be a better person.
“N-No you didn’t,” said Chuuya, trying to keep his voice from shaking. “You don’t get me back. And you don’t have the Agency.”
Mori’s smile soured,
“What was that?” he growled. “Chuuya Chuuya Chuuya I can’t believe all my hard work on you has gone to waste. Don’t you know nothing of loyalty?”
Stop giving your loyalty to people who don’t deserve it.
“I know everything about loyalty,” said Chuuya, voice growing in strength. “And loyalties can change for the better.”
Mori reached out, gripping Chuuya by the throat.
“Don’t go soft on me now Nakahara. Don’t be a traitor like that filthy Dazai. You promised me your loyalty.”
Chuuya reached up and wrenched Mori's hands away, his gift kicking in. For the first time in nearly four years Chuuya felt angry.
“Yes I did but you did not return it,” growled Chuuya. “You did not earn my loyalty so I am changing it. If you truly deserved loyalty and respect you would respect me and my decision.”
Chuuya kicked the doctor hard across the room, flinching at the dent it made in the wall. He stepped forward, ready to finish the job if he had too but Mori had vanished. In his place was a girl with long black hair, rubbing the back of her head. She grinned up at Chuuya and he stared at her in confusion.
There were footsteps behind him and Chuuya turned to see Dazai grinning.
“I think you passed Chuuya,” he said. Chuuya whirled to see the Agency members, released by Akutagawa.
“W-what?” stammered Chuuya.
“Remember the test the President said you had to pass?” asked Dazai. “This is it.”
“And you did pass Chuuya,” said Fukuzawa, entering from his office. “It would be my pleasure to welcome you as a member of the Armed Detective Agency.”
So Mori wasn’t here? He wasn’t going to be punished for being a traitor? For the first time in his life had he done something… right?
“Are you going to join?” asked Dazai. He looked at Chuuya, eyes shimmering. He really wanted this, his partner back at his side. Chuuya was… wanted.
“Ye-yeah,” said Chuuya, hands fiddling in his pockets. “Yes I really would like to.”
The Agency erupted into cheers, Dazai the loudest of them all. A smile brushed over Chuuya’s lips as everyone came over to congratulate him. They actually seemed happy that an enemy was now working amongst them.
“Hi!” said the girl Chuuya had accidentally knocked across the room. “Sorry about that. I’m a friend of the President. I can shape shift and he called me in to help him out on this.”
“O-h,” said Chuuya, bowing. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to hurt you.”
“No no it’s okay don’t worry about it. I’ll just be a little bruised. It was really a pleasure to meet you.”
Then she was replaced by more Agency members. Chuuya already knew their names as the enemy but it was nice to know them as friends. The weretiger Dazai had taken under his wing, Kyouka Kouyou’s old protege, Tanizaki and his sister very nice and welcoming, Yosano sort of scary but nice as well, Kunikida as an uptight idealist that he pitied for having to work with Dazai, and all the rest.
At one point Akutagawa stepped up to him.
“It’s actually me,” said Akutagawa, looking a little nervous. “No shapeshifting ability. Atsushi asked me to come by to help with this test and of course I did. If this place is good enough for Dazai-san then it is good enough for you. I hope you can be happier here.”
“Thank you,” said Chuuya in a small voice. Akutagawa bowed before leaving.
The people swirled around and mixed in his brain. The chatter became louder and louder so Chuuya started to block out the world. It was a terrible coping mechanism but it worked. The problem was, with the world in a blurr Chuuya had time to think.
All these amazing people had welcomed a killer into their midst. Chuuya was not worthy of working in an organization like this. All he did was kill and follow like a blind sheep. He couldn’t fit amongst all these happy and warm people. They didn’t need him and he would likely only put them in danger.
Chuuya pulled away from the crowd and to the door. He raced down the stairs and back to Dazai’s apartment. He snatched the key from under the mat(stupid hiding place anyone could break in and murder Dazai. Which, knowing Dazai, was probably what he was hoping for) and forced the door open. It took four whole minutes to get the key into the hole with how bad his hands were shaking.
The ex- Executive stumbled into the bathroom, hoping a hot shower would burn away all these voices in his head. He couldn’t even hear what they were saying but he knew they were trouble. He needed to clear his mind and focus on pleasing the Agency to keep them from ditching him immediately.
Chuuya froze in front of the mirror.
It was an old thing, a paint chipped frame with a few cracks in the glass. Chuuya hadn’t even noticed it the night before but now he did. With Dazai’s coat off, his shirt half unbuttoned, and hat discarded somewhere on the floor, Chuuya wanted to cry.
He had been freed from Mori’s grip but maybe that was a problem. He would never be good enough, under Mori or Fukuzawa.
Your hair is all wrong, why can’t you be more like him?
Your eyes are too bright, not fit for the real Chuuya.
Sit up straighter your posture is awful. No one will take you seriously if you are that short.
Your voice is so annoying. If you are going to speak I want you to sound like him. If you can't do that then shut up. Not like you have anything good to say anyway.
Stop being so loud and obnoxious. If you ever hope to be an Executive you need to control yourself better, show no emotion.
Why can’t you be more loyal Chuuya? If you were truly loyal you would do as I say and not pay attention to all those scars.
The only thing Chuuya had ever done right was self harming. It was too easy to do and it made him feel somewhat better and Mori had encouraged it, saying it made Chuuya more like ‘him’ and therefore better. So Chuuya started and he never even thought to stop. Rings of scars around his shoulders. Those scars were the only good thing about him and even they didn’t fit with the Agency.
Not a single part of him fit in the Agency. Not the messed up hair, that was too curly and too colorful. Not his eyes which had always been too bright and seemed too innocent. Not the rough scratch of his voice. Not the hickeys that covered him constantly marking him as either a filthy slut who fucked for status or as someone who couldn’t listen and had to be punished. Not the countless scars from all the missions he almost killed himself to complete. Not the emptiness of his cheeks, making him look 30 years older. All of that was so wrong and had no place in the Armed Detective Agency.
He was hideous and would never find a place anywhere other than under Mori.
Because he was sick.
So fucking sick.
Chuuya ripped the mirror from the wall and slammed it hard against the ground. It shattered, shards littering the ground. Now there was just more of Chuuya’s reflection, more reminders that he would never be good enough.
The red-head collapsed to his knees and picked up a shard. He could fix himself.
The only way to fix mistakes is through pain.
Chuuya didn’t know where to start. Cut away the rest of his curls? Gouge his eyes out? Slice up his body so no one could see the other scars? Cut out his tongue? To what extent could he break himself before it was too much?
Because he had to remember…
No one likes a broken toy.
And that’s what he was. Just a useless broken toy that he spent so much time trying to glue back together so he could be useful again.
Why couldn’t he do anything right?
The bathroom door swung open and Chuuya started.
“Chuuya!’
A familiar figure, dropped down next to Chuuya, in the shards of glass. Gentle hands wrapped in bandages tilted Chuuya’s face up. Tears blurred Chuuya’s vision so he couldn’t make out Dazai.
“Are you hurt? Did you get cut?”
Chuuya shook his head dully.
“Are you sure?”
A nod.
“Damn I knew that thing was sort of loose. I didn’t think it would fall though-”
“It didn’t fall,” interrupted Chuuya. “I broke it.”
A pause,
“Broke it? Why?”
“Because…”
Chuuya trailed off, unable to come up with an answer. Dazai waited a moment before scooping the shorter into his arms.
Dazai took him out into the main room and seated them both on the futon. The brunette swiped tears away from Chuuya’s cheeks. The tender gesture only made Chuuya cry harder.
“We should take those contacts out,” said Dazai.
Chuuya wanted to argue but right now they were hurting his eyes so goddamn much. He couldn’t remember how many days he had them in for now. After much shaking and fidgeting, Chuuya got them out. Dazai took them from Chuuya and tossed them aside.
“N-no. Need those later,” said Chuuya, trying to keep his sentences short. Every word out of his mouth sounded disgusting.
“Don’t worry about those right now Chuuya. I can go buy you more if you need them okay? For now just breathe and relax. Don’t worry about the stupid contacts.”
The tension flowed out of his body at the command. Dazai would handle it. Dazai always handled it, just like after Corruption he would handle Chuuya, making sure that Chuuya was saved from the vengeful god. Chuuya sagged gratefully against Dazai, feeling warm arms encircling him.
Chuuya continued to cry, not even knowing why anymore. Maybe because he felt like he hadn’t cried in forever and all of the emotions needed to come out at some point.
“Did you know that I really love your red hair?’ asked Dazai, suddenly. Chuuya hiccuped, tears stopping for a moment out of surprise. “Yeah. Combine that with your hat and your loud ass voice I was able to find you in a crowd anywhere. Even if you are so incredibly short. Plus in the evening after it dries from a shower your hair is so soft. It is honestly therapeutic to just sit back and watch stupid comedies and run a hand through your hair.”
Dazai took in a deep breath before laughing slightly.
“And your eyes too. It is so much fun to watch them change with your emotions. They are always so expressive I can know instantly when you are upset or happy or pissed just by what shade of blue they are. I bet you not even the best painter in the land could replicate your amazing eyes.”
“And of course there is your voice. I will never forget all the times you talked me down from a panic attack or even talked me out of a suicide attempt. Most of the time you shout and yell and can capture everyone's attention easily. But in those moments your voice became so soft and loving it was mesmerizing. I loved every minute of it. Even when you insisted on reading that insufferical book to me I loved every minute of hearing you read.”
Tears dripped silently down Chuuya’s cheeks as Dazai held him back at arm's length. Cold fingers traced over scars and wounds.
“And all the stories your scars can tell. You were never ashamed of them in the mafia. Whenever you came home you would explain the story behind new wounds. How you got this one,” Dazai pointed. “By taking a bullet for one of your subordinates. Or this one from a knife fight with a gifted who had been tearing our city apart.”
Dazai pulled Chuuya’s arm up by the wrist and kissed a small scar on the outside of his forearm. Dazai worked his way up, brushing soft kisses against each and every scar, no matter how small. He cradled Chuuya closer to him, cherishing him.
“What are you doing?” asked Chuuya.
“I want you to know all the things I was too scared or too stupid to say in the mafia,” said Dazai. “I have always admired who you are and how human you are. I have always been jealous of you and all you could do. You are amazing Chuuya and I don’t want you to think any less of yourselfI just want to make sure you love who you are as much as I do.
“I gotta admit. I thought of you a lot when I left. I wondered how you were doing, what you were doing. If you still went out the last Friday of every month to buy a new bottle of wine for your collection. If you still spent your off days volunteering at an animal shelter. Or when I saved someone I thought of how you might react. Or I thought about what you would do in a situation. I did that a lot because I knew you would have the best, most humane way to do it. You were the only role model I had for someone who sort of cared about other people.”
Dazai let out a breath.
“That was sort of a long tangent eh?”
“Maybe a little,” said Chuuya.”
“Well it’s all true and I want you to know that. I’m really excited for you to join the Agency. After everything that happened, you deserve it.”
Chuuya sank back into Dazai’s arms.
“Thank you.”
Dazai pressed a kiss to the top of Chuuya’s head.
“Of course. I love you Chuuya.”
“..I love you too.”