Chapter Text
My dearest Tris,
I am so so so very sorry. You deserved so much better than last night, you deserve so much better than me. You need to be treasured.
I lost control of myself and there is no apology in the world that is good enough.
When I saw you out on the dancefloor, I tried to stay away, I tried not to notice you.
When Four went up to you my jealousy ignited and I could only look for no longer, I had to be closer to you.
You didn’t reject me or move away from me when I came up to you and started moving to the beat of the music, in fact it was you who placed your hand upon my chest first. I know it was only to steady yourself when your heel caught in the floor, but your hand stayed there for long enough for me to place my own on top of it.
The way you looked at me then, made me take liberties and wrap my arms around you.
And then we danced.
I will remember that fondly as you will likely never dance with me again.
Speaking of remembering, I will never forget how we slowly moved across the dancefloor, so that we were almost hidden by the smoke machine, with the smoke rolling around us we were hidden from view.
That is where you first kissed me.
Hidden from view. You didn’t want others to know about it and I get that. I do.
It was also the place where you kissed me for the second time, and where I kissed you for the first time, almost plastering you to the wall as I did so.
I wanted so badly to be inside of you then, to have you right there on the dance floor and you had a similar sentiment.
An invitation was issued to me by you. Upon being invited back to your apartment, I agreed readily, wanting to take what I could get. Having you for one night only, for that was all you were offering me, would be better than never having you at all.
You would come to your senses in the morning and not want anything to do with me.
And, even I fucked that up. I didn’t get to have you even once.
Still, though, at least I’ll have the scarp of fabric that covered your ass, a maroon lacey number which was all too easy to split with my fingers. Not nearly durable enough for any mission, but I appreciated it all the same. The matching bra was more fortunate, it survived my ministrations, but also less fortunate for me as I hadn’t picked that up from the floor also in my rush to leave. It was only sheer luck that I still have the knickers, they were half inside one of my combat boots.
Damn, getting our clothes off had been a competition hadn’t it? It’s tough to say who won. Maybe both of us, maybe neither of us for how it all ended.
I had to leave. I had to rush off. I’m not good enough for you, you have too much light in you and I have too much darkness.
I almost had my wish of being inside you and I had to ruin it all by blowing my load as soon as you gripped me tightly. My member was already engorged from being gently thrust between your thighs, the slick from your come and the water from the shower, it was just too much for me to handle in that moment. Your hand was so unexpected, your touch so firm and sure that it made me come right away, sending ropes of come onto your back.
There was no way that I was going to be ready to enter you within a short enough time span that you’d still have me.
I thought it best to cut my losses as soon as it had happened.
Having my fingers inside you was enough…It had to be enough for it was all I had and would ever have of you.
There’s no one out there like you. No one is enough for me apart from you, I haven’t been with anyone more than once just because they’re no Tris Prior.
How am I supposed to get through tomorrow when you know what happened last night?
How can I pretend that nothing happened between us last night when the feelings for you have crept up as slowly and surely as they have?