Chapter Text
Buck was working his way through his third sleeve of Oreos when he finally cracked.
It wasn’t like it was hard. Chimney was almost annoyingly wrapped up in Maddie to even notice when Buck snuck out of the house like he was thirteen years old again. Unlike when he was thirteen years old, Buck didn’t have a bicycle to ride away on but he did have the Uber app on his phone.
“What the hell happened to you?” His driver asked when Buck slid into the backseat.
Buck grimaced as he ducked his head, tipping his baseball cap low over his face.
“Yeah,” he said and cleared his throat when the simple word cracked. “Car accident.”
“You okay?” she asked and as much as the sentiment was nice, Buck really needed her to start driving before he lost his nerve.
“Yep.”
That seemed to be all she needed to hear and Buck closed his eyes against the nausea as she drove across half of LA in the middle of the night. Thankfully, she didn’t ask anymore questions and kept the volume on the radio low so Buck could stew in his anger a little bit more instead of fretting about how stupid he was being. He hated that word but it was the spark that had gotten him off the couch and sent him flying across town.
Stupid.
Don’t be stupid, Evan.
No I didn’t! I said it was stupid to be walking around at night alone when the world is a dangerous place and you aren’t prepared to protect yourself from it!
The world is a dangerous place, Evan. You have to protect yourself. We can’t do it for you.
Yeah, some job he did there.
But he wasn’t stupid. He did stupid things sometimes but Buck wasn’t stupid.
How could you have been so stupid to think that you were worth being loved again?
That had been the thought that clashed like a bell through his mind in the midst of what should’ve been a justified wallow. And Buck was willing to take a lot of shit but he refused to be that.
Except Eddie had flown away before Buck could push back and now he was stupidly sitting in a car with a stranger when he was technically still in protective custody.
Bobby would have a field day.
But it didn’t matter.
He had his panic button clutched tight in his palm and his phone in the other. Maybe it was overkill and maybe Buck was paranoid but he was still trying to process the whole nearly being sold to the black market thing by one of his own agents and as much as he moaned and groaned about being babysat— “Protected Buck!” —he still shivered at the absence of his friends around him. He tucked his hands into his hoodie pocket and leaned up against the door as much as he could.
Buck sucked in a breath and held it in his chest when they arrived at the McDonald’s around the corner. He had half expected Bobby to already be waiting for him after Chim realized he was gone. But when he saw that the coast was clear, he released his breath, and stepped out into the crisp clean evening air.
No turning back now.
Buck marched the rest of the way to the main building, a small front tucked out of the way for anyone curious about the coming and goings. He typed in his code and swiped in his key card before he stormed his way to the elevator before anyone could try to stop him.
The chill of Q-Branch seeped in through the material of his sweats and Buck pushed back his hood and pulled off his hat before someone did something like call security on him. Everyone was all still a little on edge understandably but if he didn’t get to say what was bubbling up inside him because he was being thrown face down onto the ground then Buck feared he’d never get to say it.
The quiet murmuring of Q-Branch was even more subdued since most missions were on standby until they could be sure their digital infrastructure wasn’t compromised. But the soft clicking of keyboards that Buck normally found comforting was like the added tick to the timebomb strapped into his resolve.
Ravi’s eyes widened when he saw Buck. “Quartermaster… I didn’t—”
Buck didn’t say anything and held out his hand as he walked up to his standing desk in the center of the room. The bright lights of the computer screens and overhead were blaring down into his skull until he wanted nothing more than to curl up under his desk and hide but that would ruin his entire authority on the situation. Ravi handed Buck the headset that Buck clipped to his ear before he pulled out his blue light glasses and pushed them up his nose.
Pulling up Eddie’s location was easy and Buck was acutely aware that his minions were all openly watching as he used his credentials to patch into Eddie’s comms.
“Good morning, 007,” Buck said as he pulled up a few more things he needed with a simple type into google. If Eddie wasn’t awake at eight am then that was on him. “This is just your daily check in to make sure you’re alive and not bleeding out in some understocked safe house in the middle of the Balkan Peninsula.”
Eddie didn’t say anything for a moment and Buck sucked in another breath that he held in his chest as he waited.
“Good morning, Q,” Eddie said carefully. “I didn’t realize you’d been cleared by Medical yet.”
“Yeah, it’s funny when things happen and you don’t find out till later.” Buck sniped, feeling righteous in his pettiness. “How are things in Bosnia? Have you had a chance to try cevapi yet? I heard they sell it as a kebab which would make it nice to eat on the go.”
He heard Ravi and the other’s shifting uneasily and later he would apologize to them for making everything awkward but he wasn’t done yet. Not by a long shot.
Buck didn’t wait for Eddie to respond.
“What’s the weather like? Oh, look. It’s cold. Hope you packed a jacket.”
Eddie sighed over the comm. “Q—”
“I am not stupid.” Buck snapped. He dropped his fist onto his desk and stared up at the massive screen where the tiny red dot blinked at Eddie’s location.
It wasn’t his face but it should’ve been. It should’ve been.
“I never said you were,” Eddie said and there was a fierceness in his voice that would’ve cut down anyone who disagreed.
“Yes, you did.” Buck insisted. The pressure behind his eyes built up again and his head was throbbing on the side where his bruises were still tender to the touch. But Buck pushed his glasses up his nose and carried on. “You left. I told you I loved you and you left.”
The room fell silent with a heavy hush until all Buck could hear was his heartbeat pounding in his own ears. Everyone was watching. Everyone could see how close he was to shattering. They all got to bear witness to Buck teetering on the sharp brink of humiliation but he didn’t care.
Because Eddie should’ve been there for that conversation and he was talking to a blinking red icon on a map instead.
Again Eddie said nothing for a moment. “You don’t know—”
“Because you left. You’re not here to explain it.”
“You wouldn’t love me if you knew.”
The sound that left Buck’s throat was ugly and close to that sob he let loose in the garage.
“Want to bet?” Buck swallowed as a tear slipped free. He sniffed and bit back a curse when it made his head scream but it didn’t matter. Because he wasn’t done. “Am I stupid, 007?”
“Of course not.” Quick. Simple. Truthful. Eddie said it without hesitation and Buck believed him.
Maybe he shouldn’t. But he did.
“Good because not loving you would make me so fucking stupid and that is one thing that I am not.”
“No,” Eddie breathed and there was something that sound admiration. “You’re not.”
No, he wasn’t.
Buck wasn’t stupid, loving Eddie wasn’t stupid, and Buck… Buck refused to stop.
He didn’t know when he started but he had no intentions of stopping anytime soon.
“You’re doing it again, Q.”
Buck pushed his fist to wipe away the snot from under his nose. “What?”
“Letting that accent slip.”
The laugh that fell out Buck surprised him before he could stop it and he had to squeeze his eyes shut to give himself a break from the screen. “Yeah, well, you’ve really annoyed me so…”
He could hear it now that Eddie pointed it out and Buck focused on relaxing his tongue again. He’d already blown his cover when he’d hacked into a bad guy’s cellphone and yelled at him to let Eddie go. He didn’t need to indulge everyone with another show.
Between the crying and the car ride and the computers, Buck’s head was throbbing in time with his pulse and there was no doubt that Chimney would’ve noticed he was gone by then.
Ravi— the traitor— had probably already ratted him out to Hen.
“I’m sorry,” Eddie said and that time it was just for him. It was sincere and quiet and Buck cupped it in his hands and held it to his chest.
“You should be.” Buck held a hand to his head to see if that would help the headache. It didn’t. “When are you coming home?”
When are you coming back to me?
He never should’ve left in the first place but Buck had made Eddie a promise and he intended to keep it for as long as Eddie would let him.
“Give me forty eight hours,” Eddie said and Buck nodded as he turned his back on the screen.
An out of breath Chimney looked ready to murder him as he stood in the doorway.
“A minute over and I’m sending 002 to drag you back.”
“Deal,” Eddie said. “Now go to sleep, Q.”
“Goodnight, 007.”
Eddie found him in the gym. On the treadmill, to be precise. The same one Eddie had been on when he first laid eyes on him.
Buck wasn’t running like he usually preferred, opting to keep a brisk pace as he walked through his cardio. But even walking, Buck had managed to work up a sweat with his skin glistening and his curls going wild on his head. The bruising on his face was just as dark and as gruesome as Eddie had seen it with the butterfly stitches on his brow looking like they were peeling a bit.
Blue eyes watched him from Buck’s reflection and Eddie wanted to wilt under the guarded expression.
Buck pressed a button and the treadmill died down with a long whirring sound that felt like it was running all the way down Eddie’s spine and back again.
“007,” Buck said as he grabbed a towel and gently patted his face while he got off the treadmill.
Buck was still keeping his distance and that stung more than anything Eddie had ever felt in his life including that one time he’d been waterboarded.
Hearing Buck crying over the comms had felt a lot like being waterboarded too. Torture that made his heart twist in his chest and threaten to abandon ship if he didn’t fix it.
“Q.” The padded mat beneath Eddie’s shoes squeaked as he crossed the distance between them. He stopped just short of arm distance away, leaving room for Buck if he wanted some. Buck didn’t come closer. “I…”
The words had been tumbling around in his head for almost two days now. Two days of sitting and stewing and tearing his hair out as he tried to find a way to explain anything that would make sense. But the moment Eddie needed them, they were locked in his throat and twisted around his vocal cords.
But he needed to try again. He needed to try because Eddie had been trying to protect Buck and all he had managed to do was hurt him.
That’s all he ever did.
The distance had been meant to help them both and yet Eddie felt like he was being stretched in two until he threatened to split in half. Like his heart had fallen out from his still healing bullet wound and had been left behind.
It had, if he was being honest with himself. Which he was trying to be. Honest for Buck too.
In a world of lies and secrets, Eddie didn’t realize how much Buck’s honesty meant to him until he’d been slapped in the face with it when Buck gave him the push he needed to cave. Anyone else and Eddie would’ve pushed back. But not Buck.
Jonah had been right. Eddie had a new weakness and that thought alone terrified him more than he could imagine.
“I brought you back something,” Eddie said instead.
Buck’s head tipped in interest. He reached into his pocket and pulled out the sticker he’d somehow managed to find in the small village he’d been getting ready to spend a whole year hiding in.
Buck’s eyes lit up and they were so wide and earnest, momentarily lost in delight to forget that he was angry with Eddie, that Eddie almost melted on the spot.
You could’ve lost this.
That voice had been one that Eddie hadn’t heard in his head in a long time. He could’ve almost lost this.
“Thank you,” Buck said, his fingers grazing Eddie’s as he took the sticker and it was like a shock to Eddie’s nervous system. Eddie curled his hand to capture Buck’s before he could pull away and Buck froze as he let him.
“I’ve done this before.” Eddie felt himself saying and he dropped his gaze down to their joined hands. “Been in love before. Not like… Not like this though.”
Buck’s throat clicked as he swallowed and Eddie stared hard at Buck’s fingers, fighting down every instinct he had to bring them to his lips so he could kiss each one.
“But I signed up and left her and she died.”
“Eddie—”
“She died,” Eddie pushed on. “Because of me. Because I wasn’t there for her. I broke her heart and then she was gone before I could fix it. And I…”
Eddie’s breath stuttered in his chest as he forced himself to meet Buck’s gaze. From there, Eddie was so painfully away of the inch or so difference in height between them. It felt like he was baring his throat for Buck to decide whether Eddie was going to come back to the land of the living or not; to decide if he was going to get a chance to remember what it was like to live with a soul again.
But Buck’s expression was so open with his eyes so blue Eddie could’ve sworn he could’ve fallen into them and swam away. The bruise on his cheek made him seem all the more breakable. Fragile. Delicate.
Strong. Maybe the strongest person Eddie had ever met.
“I did that. To someone I love and I can’t—”
“Nobody wanted me.”
Eddie rocked with the sudden confession that fell from Buck’s lips but Buck didn’t even flinch.
“That’s why I left. That’s why I came here,” Buck said. “Nobody wanted me. Not my parents. Not my girlfriends or boyfriends. I wasn’t even supposed to be born. I have my sister but she has her own life to live and I—”
Buck sucked in a breath that shuddered across his whole frame and there could’ve been a million explosions and a hail of gunfire surrounding them and all Eddie would’ve heard was the way that breath sounded wet with barely held back tears and pain when Buck exhaled.
“I love you,” Buck said again and just like the first time, those words nestled through the cracks of Eddie’s defenses and soothed all the fractures in his heart. “I love you and I thought you didn’t want me.”
And Eddie was a weak man. A weak, weak man.
“C’mere,” Eddie said before he was reeling Buck in and holding him close. Buck ducked his head down into Eddie’s throat and Eddie kissed every inch of him he could reach as Buck’s arms curled around his waist. “I want you so much it scares me.”
Buck made a noise from the back of his throat and pressed further into Eddie’s neck until Eddie was sure he could hear the way his blood was singing at having Buck in his arms again. He ran his fingers through his hair and pressed a kiss against his scalp before he squeezed Buck tighter until there was almost no space between them.
“I’m sorry.” Eddie repeated over and over again until they were swaying with the weight of his apology. “I’m sorry, baby. I’m so sorry.”
Buck all but melted beneath the pet name and Eddie whispered it again and again until he didn’t know which one of them was holding the other up.
Eventually, Buck pulled away from his hiding spot and fitted his hands to cup Eddie’s cheeks.
Deft thumbs swept away tears Eddie didn’t even know he’d shed and Buck wasn’t much better so he was less embarrassed than he would’ve been.
“You love me?” Eddie asked because he still couldn’t quite believe it. Buck hummed as he nodded. “Even after what I did?”
He didn’t want to ruin the moment but he needed to know. He needed—
Buck’s lips were soft as they slanted over Eddie’s mouth and he sighed into the kiss like it was his first taste of clean water in a sweltering desert. It was short, too short, but it was enough to make Eddie feel more alive than he’d felt in years.
“I’ll say it however many times you need to hear it for you to believe me,” Buck said, dipping his forehead to rest against Eddie’s.
Eddie shook his head. “I believe you.”
The smile that stretched across Buck’s lips could’ve rivaled the sun.
“Buck,” Eddie said as he nuzzled Buck’s nose until he could skate his mouth over Buck’s. “I love you too.”
And Eddie’s world was filled with secrets. But loving Buck was the deepest truth he could’ve ever told.