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You got me fast, I'm looking out the window
Waiting for the morning light
Like a flower burning in the desert
Waiting against my pride
Ringing and ringing and ringing and ringing in my head
Closer and closer and louder and louder and louder
Namjoon’s hands felt clammy against the rough fabric of his jeans. They were new ones, stone-washed, and if he was allowed to say it, they made his ass look amazing. Not like he needed to impress anyone. Well. There was this cute nurse with starry eyes that always put his hand on Namjoon’s shoulder to comfort him. Namjoon may or may not have had a tiny tiny crush on the wide-eyed boy covered in tattoos.
But that wasn’t important right now, anyways. No, today was about the implant. And the chance to hear again.
This decision had cost Namjoon a couple of years of overthinking, many sleepless nights, and some major headaches. He knew that cochlear implants weren’t for everyone.
The deaf-born friends he had made at the youth center - where he went to learn sign language and be treated by a speech therapist when the bacterial meningitis affected his hearing - didn’t want to know anything about them. To Taehyung and Jimin, their deaf identity was really important. Taehyung came from a deaf family and Jimin had been born deaf due to some problems during his delivery. Life as a deaf person was everything they knew. They had never tried hearing aids and saw cochlear implants as something dangerous and not worth it.
But for Namjoon it was different. Namjoon had gone almost completely deaf by ten. And he could still recall his life before it.
God, did he miss music. The soft hums of his mother while cooking and correcting exams from her students. The husky almost nonexistent barks from Moni. He still heard them all in his dreams. Namjoon went from living in a world full of music, noises, laughs and yells to barely catching loud and shrill noises in a span of two weeks.
He still remembered waking up in the hospital. What had looked like a strong flu had resulted in a fever impossible to bring down and a rushed trip to the hospital in his mother's old Daewoo. He had passed out half way there.
‘Mom.’ His voice had sounded raspy and weird, like he had been speaking with a thick scarf over his mouth.
‘Joonie, baby.’ His mom stood up from the armchair she had been dozing off in moments ago. ‘How are you feeling?’ She had cupped his face carefully, like he was the most delicate thing on Earth.
‘Really tired.’ He had managed to say after thinking about it for a minute. ‘My voice feels weird.’
‘I’m sure it’s your throat. You’ve been in and out of consciousness for three days. I’ll tell the nurses you’re awake and they will give you some water, how’s that sound?.’ She kept caressing his face and hair, eyes watery.
‘Why are you whispering mom? It’s ok, I’m awake now.’
‘Joonie, sweetheart, I’m not whispering.’
‘Yes, you are, I can barely hear you. And what’s that weird whistle?’
He also remembered his mother’s face losing all color and her bursting out of the room looking for a doctor.
Permanent sensorineural hearing loss: Four words that would reshape his whole existence. His hearing had gotten worse by the day and by the end of his first week back home, it had been practically gone. He could hear random buzzes and beeps, but that was basically all. His world got silenced. No more piano lessons, as much as he had hated them before, no more laughing at how bad his mother’s singing in the shower was, no more watching MTV in secret in the wee hours of the morning on Saturdays getting starstruck by American rappers.
As traumatic as this experience had been, Namjoon couldn’t say he had had a bad childhood. Yoongi, Momo, and Jin - his childhood friends- had found a way to communicate with him, to keep him included in their games and to pretty much transition into their teenage years smoothly. They had all learnt sign language with the passage of time and he was really good at reading lips, so Namjoon had never felt left out with them.
College had come and passed by and he had had both good and bad experiences with deaf and hearing people. Like a normal life, with ups and downs, tears and smiles, but all in silence. Sometimes that silence had felt like wearing a heavy coat in the middle of August that he couldn’t take off no matter how much he tried. Sometimes it’d been like a fluffy blanket, something almost lulling that let his mind roam into calmness.
His life was good. Being deaf wasn’t easy and being deaf and gay in a society like theirs is, was even worse. Still, he had managed to have the same experiences as every boy his age could have. He had dated around, had had his heart broken a couple of times and had broken some himself in return.
Once done with college, Namjoon had opened a library co-partnering with Yoongi. ‘Break the Silence’ was his pride and joy. While Yoongi managed the economical and practical part of it, he was focused on being aware of the hit and misses of the editorial world and organizing all the activities. They had a lecture club, theater evenings, storytelling for kids and a bimonthly sign language workshop. Every activity welcomed hearing and deaf people equally because Namjoon had grown up between both worlds and he wanted to give that chance to others too.
Years had gone by and their little library had become a key piece of their neighborhood. That’s when they had started raising money to pay for hearing aids, cochlear implants, wheelchairs, glasses and other devices for the community children. And that’s when Namjoon's interest had peaked and he’d started considering the cochlear implant thing.
A lot of restless nights doing research had happened before he’d decided to tell his mom and closest friends.
‘You can pay for it, Joon-ah. We’ve been financially stable for years now. If it’s something you want, go for it.’ Yoongi had said. ‘I can cover your work for as long as you want, maybe Momo’s girlfriend can come to help me and manage the checkout .’
But Taehyung hadn’t taken it that well. There had been some aggressive signing and strong accusations thrown at Namjoon.
‘You’re gonna risk your health for a chance of being able to hear again. Is that so important? Aren’t you happy with the life you have? Are you tired of being like us? Is that it? You’re abandoning us! You’re rejecting your identity!’
Namjoon had left the younger’s house with a heavy heart and a hundred new doubts in his head. Was he reaching for the impossible? Should he settle down for the life he knew? Damn, he was happy, wasn’t that enough?
But then he had remembered. His mother's warm voice. The birds at the trees right behind his window. The fucking music! He had known cochlear implants weren’t a miracle. That a lot of people couldn’t process certain sounds, a lot of them being music or certain types of instruments. But, what if he could?
Taehyung had knocked on his door three days later, hugging him and sobbing into his neck as soon as he’d opened, while Jimin had smiled sheepishly behind him.
‘Hyung, I'm so sorry. I acted just the way some hearing people do with us. It’s your life and you should do as you please. I support you, go get it done! ’
After multiple talks about the pros and cons, informing the rest of his family and friends and a couple of meetings with his business agent, the deal had been done. As fancy as it sounded, Seokjin was his business agent. He had always managed the library's big financial decisions, helping his boyfriend Yoongi, so it was natural for Namjoon to trust him with his personal ones too. He basically managed all the money in their group, even helping Momo and Jihyo to get their own place with a reasonable mortgage.
Next step had been looking for the right place to get the implant done. He’d found a clinic in the center of Seoul, nothing big but well-equipped and with a more than acceptable ratio of successful implants. What had really cemented his decision had been learning that they had a scholarship for deaf kids. That had touched his soul.
The first day he’d gone to meet his future surgeons, doctor and technician, he had been terrified. Everyone had welcomed him professionally and explained clearly what were the risks and what could go wrong. Namjoon knew everything about it. They had sent emails back and forth and he’d read and seen every little piece of information he could’ve found about implants going bad. But even then, he’d still had to go out for a little breather. He’d tried texting his friends, but his hands had been shaking way too much.
That had been when Someone had tapped his shoulder.
‘Namjoon-ssi? ’ The technician who would take care of his implant once it was ready to be set had been looking worriedly at him. Jeon Jungkook, Namjoon had remembered. ‘ Are you feeling ok? You look a little green. ’
Namjoon had forced a smile, but hadn’t had the strength to say anything.
‘I brought you a water bottle. Wish I could offer you something a little stronger, but I’m at work and getting possible patients drunk is not a good look .’
Namjoon had taken the water bottle and chugged half of it. He’d never felt his throat so dry as it had been then. He’d even been a little dizzy.
‘You know what? The cafeteria next door does an amazing hot chocolate. Maybe you could use some sugar? This looks vaguely like a sugar drop. Are you gonna be fine if I leave you for five minutes? ’
He’d nodded in reply and without wasting a second, Jungkook had turned on his heels and gone to the café.
Namjoon had breathed heavily. It was ok, this was ok, he couldn’t keep doubting himself. The decision had been more than sealed, the money had been ready to be transferred to the clinic and he’d been sure. To reassure himself, he’d sent a quick message to his friends, telling them he was taking some fresh air before signing the consent and checks. A myriad of heart emojis, kisses and encouraging words had flown his way, just as he’d expected. He’d felt his heart grow five sizes. Yes, he could do this, he was more than ready.
Just then, a to-go cup appeared in front of him, Jungkook offering it gently.
‘Thank you so much. This was really needed.’ He’d smiled, for real this time, took the beverage and tried a sip.
‘I put like three packets of sugar there and asked for double caramel so maybe don’t thank me so fast. ’
Namjoon had laughed loudly, head thrown back, receiving a blinding smile back from Jungkook, who had looked proud of himself.
‘Don’t worry, I have a really heavy sweet tooth.’
‘Good to know .’ Jungkook had winked at him and his traitorous stomach had done a backflip. ‘ I’m gonna come back, join us when you feel ready, ok? ’ A short squeeze to his shoulder and Jungkook had gone back inside the clinic. Namjoon had followed not long after.
He’d got a bazillion tests done, meetings with therapists, speech therapists, surgeons and otorhino doctors before finally the surgery day had come. The procedure had gone as smoothly as possible. Not only had Jungkook been his technician but he was sure to be the lead nurse of the team that had attended him. They’d talked a lot during the four days Namjoon had spent hospitalized, and Jungkook had always made sure to come by with a chocolate bar. Or to sneak a cake into Namjoon’s lunch with post-it notes with cute doodles of tap-dancing ears with top hats that had always made him cackle up.
They’d said goodbye to each other on the fifth morning with the promise of Namjoon coming back in ten days when the incisions of the implant were cured enough.
And today was the day. Namjoon didn’t tell anyone he was going to the clinic to check if the implant worked that day. He could manage his own expectations, but not his mother’s and friends' ones.
That’s how he found himself sitting in the bright medical office, covered in posters of the ear anatomy and a bunch of colourful doodles made by the children that’d been treated there. A lot of them depicted a tall figure with baby blue scrubs, an arm covered in tattoos and a big-ass brown dog right by their side. It made Namjoon’s uneasy heart feel more calm. He was in the middle of breathing deeply when Jungkook entered the room, all hopeful eyes and cheery smiles.
‘Good morning Namjoon-ssi. Are you ready to see if that bad boy settled correctly?’
Namjoon nodded, a little choked up to answer right away.
‘You ok?’ Jungkook asked, frowning a little. ‘Don’t be nervous. There’s nothing to lose. And as I told you, even if you can’t hear anything right now, that doesn’t mean it didn’t work. The brain needs to adjust and learn again how to decipher the sound waves. And even if you didn’t hear for nineteen years, you did for ten, and the synapses and mechanism are there.’ He poked his forehead slightly, grinning widely.
Namjoon smiled back, as if it was possible not to be affected by the sweetest smile ever. Jungkook signed the same way he moved and acted: energetically and firm but sweet and gentle at the same time. He couldn’t hear his voice, but he was sure it was one of those musical ones, warm and comforting.
He was starting to get lost in the moment, so to find a distraction, Namjoon pointed to the walls.
‘Is that your dog? Is he that huge or are the kids exaggerating?’
Jungkook laughed with his whole body, covering his mouth. Namjoon could sacrifice a leg in that moment to be able to hear that magical sound.
‘Yes, it is. And yes, he’s huge, but it’s only a pupper. His name is Bam and he's a doberman. My brother convinced me to adopt him because his breed is not thought to be a companion dog, but was abandoned at the doors of his workplace.’
Over the couple of months they have known each other, Namjoon learnt that Jungkook’s younger brother, Soobin, had been born deaf and that’s what had made Jungkook choose nursing and Prosthetic Audiology as his career. He couldn’t actually help Soobin with his deafness, but that didn’t bother him at all. His brother had started studying veterinary and was training dogs to help deaf people with mobility problems, getting amazing results.
‘I still think my Bammie could do anything, in fact, he learns the signs we teach him really quickly! But dobermans are considered a dangerous breed and Soobin’s boss didn’t want him there. That’s how I ended up with a furry son. Do you have any pets?’
‘I did, my dog Monie. He died like seven years ago when I was away finishing college, but there’s not a day I don’t think about him. I wish I could hear him bark again, you know? Feels kind of sad.’
‘ Namjoon-ssi. ’ Jungkook looked him in the eyes, trying to pass him some of his warmth. ‘ That’s so sweet of you, but you know what? There’s gonna be a lot of first times for you again. Maybe you could adopt one again, if you feel prepared. I could talk with Soobin .’
‘It’s not that I’m not prepared...but I live alone and spend a lot of time in my library. I would feel bad leaving them alone all day.’
‘Maybe your...partner could help you? ’ Jungkook dropped the p word casually, signing without even looking at Namjoon, suddenly really interested in the equipment on top of a nearby table.
‘I don’t, I don’t have a boyfriend.’ Namjoon pronounced the word boyfriend carefully, not leaving a doubt about his very single and very gay persona.
He didn’t avert his eyes from Jungkook’s face, trying to look for a reaction. He was lucky as he saw him raising his eyebrows, trying to supress the smile his lips were forming.
‘Ok, should we start with this? Are you ready?’
Namjoon pushed any flirty thoughts aside and nodded.
‘I’m gonna put the piece that goes into your ear first, ok?. You’ll feel like something clicks at the back of your head. That’s the magnet the surgeon introduced beneath your skin, ok? It’s a bit itchy sometimes, but the feeling goes away in a few days. If it hurts, you need to tell me ok? Sometimes the magnet needs a little adjustment .’
Namjoon nodded again, so nervous he couldn’t find his voice to answer with proper words.
Jungkook took the hearing aid that went on the outside and with careful hands placed it on Namjoon’s ear. The clicking sensation was weird, but nothing too bad, so Namjoon smiled at him and tilted his head, waiting for the next step.
‘I’m gonna touch the back of your ear to turn on the device. You’re still not gonna hear anything because I need to turn it on on my computer as well, ok ?’
‘Ok.’ Even being deaf Namjoon knew that his voice sounded shaky and weak, so he pursed his lips and stayed silent.
Jungkook did as said, but also squeezed his shoulder briefly, encouraging him with another smile.
He then directed his eyes to his laptop and started clicking and tapping stuff, while pressing buttons on another device he had connected to both the laptop and Namjoon’s earpiece.
‘ This thing is gonna help decode the sounds for you, until your brain gets used to it. ’
He kept touching stuff, here and there, while checking the screen.
Namjoon thought that he looked like a really cool hacker, but instead of trying to break into the government servers, he was breaking into the tiny little bones of his inner ear and trying to make them connect again with his brain.
‘ Ok Namjoon-ssi. It's all set up. I’m gonna start sending some impulses to it. Again, don’t be nervous if you don’t hear anything. The adjustments could take this whole afternoon or even a couple of days. ’
Namjoon felt his breath catching in his throat. His mind was running a million thoughts at the same time. He put his fist on top of his thighs and clenched them so hard his knuckles turned white.
Jungkook started pressing a button, looking for some reaction on his side.
Nothing.
He started turning what Namjoon assumed was the volume button, little by little, checking Namjoon’s expression every time.
Nothing.
Namjoon’s heart was pounding at a crazy pace. He had promised himself that if it didn’t work, he could say he tried and simply move on; but now it was there, almost within a reaching distance but not quite yet, and the lack of response was breaking him down.
Minutes that felt like hours went by while Jungkook kept looking for the right combination.
‘I’m gonna bring you a cup of water, ok? We’re gonna pause for a bit and then we’ll keep trying. This is nothing abnormal.’
Namjoon was really thankful about Jungkook’s attempts to normalize the situation, but he started to feel worried and lonely. Maybe going alone wasn’t that much of a good idea after all. He suddenly needed a hug, maybe one of Jin’s stupid dad jokes even. He was just that desperate.
He was so caught up in his thoughts that Jungkook startled him when he put a hand between his shoulder blades and passed him a cup of water.
‘You’re looking a little pale. I can disconnect everything and let you out for fresh air for ten minutes if you need it .’
‘No, I’m good.’ Namjoon assured him. ‘Just a bit nervous. But it’s normal, right? I just spent millions of won to get this, yeah.’ He hoped his laugh didn’t sound as fake as he felt it did. ‘Don’t need to buy me another hot chocolate, I’m fine, I swear.’
‘Namjoon-ssi.. .’
‘You can call me hyung. You’re about to change my life, I think we are past formalities, right?’
‘Right, hyung ’ Jungkook’s smile was blazing. ‘Should we try again? ’
The second and third attempt didn’t work either. Namjoon could feel that Jungkook was tensing up, but probably because he was seeing him sinking into his chair more and more, shoulders hunching and face getting stone cold.
‘I’m gonna make some adjustments and we’re gonna try again. And if this time doesn't work, we’re going out for coffee and fresh air .’ Jungkook added timidly.
Namjoon smiled, this big dimpled smile of his, and nodded, relaxing and composing himself.
He let his eyes roam through the walls, trying to keep himself entertained with something when he heard it.
Jungkook was so absorbed by his laptop, touching and adjusting things here and there that he didn’t see Namjoon visibly tensing up, mouth agape.
He couldn’t describe what exactly it was, but he was, in fact, hearing something between the sounds of static and buzzing, clearer than the usual faint reverberations he was used to hearing from time to time.
Jungkook kept adjusting things, still not aware of the sudden change in Namjoon’s attitude.
What was that sound? He squeezed his brain, trying to comprehend what he was perceiving.
And then he saw Jungkook’s lips barely moving, and his world stopped for a moment. He was hearing Jungkook humming softly. Loud enough for him to hear, but not to tell which song it was.
‘You, you have a beautiful voice.’
Jungkook lifted his head so quickly his neck almost snapped.
‘Did you hear that?’ He said so hastily Namjoon barely understood. ‘Sorry’ He smiled timidly and repeated again, slower and calmer this time, trying to enunciate each word carefully. ‘Did you hear that?’
‘Yes, I did.’ Namjoon brushed away the single tear that was crossing his left cheek, suddenly embarrassed.
‘Hyung it worked! I’m so proud of you, you did amazingly.’ Jungkook was about to put his hand on top of Namjoon’s, but then thinking better of it, retracted his hand and touched his own hair.
‘Was that the melody of Dooly the Little Dinosaur? I think I still remember the lyrics.’
‘Dooly your Little Dinosaur Friend…’ Jungkook started signing.
‘He wants to play with youuu…’ Namjoon followed up, uncoordinated and way too loud, making Jungkook snicker.
‘On a scale of one to ten, how robotic you’ll say you hear our voices?’
‘I’ll say like a seven. They sound pretty unnatural.’
‘Don’t worry, I can fix it. Maybe not completely but it’s a question of time and adjustments.’
They kept talking for an hour or so, while Jungkook managed the calibration of the implant and checked Namjoon’s reactions to different stimuli.
‘Is...is that my voice? I sound like a grown ass adult.’
‘Well, you’re a big man, I mean a big adult, a-a grown up.’
Was that a stutter? Namjoon thought it was adorable.
He was exhausted, too many emotions, too many new sensations in the same day. The second time Jungkook saw him stifling a yawn, he closed the laptop and stretched his arms.
‘I think we’re good for today. I’m sorry to say you need to keep coming back everyday until we’re satisfied with how your hearing is doing.’
‘I’m not bothered at all. I enjoy your company.’
They both got startled by the sudden sound of the bell that warned there was someone at the clinic lobby.
‘Did you hear that?’
Namjoon smiled impossibly wide, all dimples, teeth at full display and eyes closed. ‘Yeah.’
Jungkook bit his lips, laughing quietly at something only he understood and guided him to the door. He wasn’t bothered by the visits either. Not at all.