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Roy Kent is absolutely, one hundred percent NOT in a relationship with Jamie Tartt.
Just because they sometimes hook up, that doesn’t make it a thing.
-
The first time it happens is a bit of a surprise, to put it mildly.
They’ve won the game 1-0. Jamie scores the winner with ten minutes to go, because of course he does, and Roy has played his first half an hour of the season.
After the game Roy goes to see the physio to check how his knee is holding up. He feels pretty good about it and doesn't really think he needs a checkup, but this is part of the rehab plan that was agreed when he decided he wanted to try and get through one last season before retiring.
By the time he gets down to the showers, everyone has already gone home.
Or so he’d thought.
Just as the water is getting hot enough to start easing his muscles, Jamie waltzes into the shower room, fresh from media duties. Roy nods in acknowledgement and closes his eyes, leaning back against the wall as the water pounds off his chest. They’ve had sort of a truce since Jamie came back, not friends, but not fighting each other either. Roy thinks Jamie feels bad about the knee thing, not that either of them has brought it up.
“Good goal today.”
Jamie drops his towel and hangs it on the hook beside Roy’s. “Cheers.” He hits the shower button with the palm of his hand and steps under the water. “Good to see you back out there.”
Roy turns his head and opens his eyes just in time to catch Jamie doing what looks like checking Roy out. “Yeah.” Suddenly the air feels thick and he can’t help but do the same in return. “I, uh. I’m impressed.” He flicks his gaze back up and locks eyes with Jamie. “That you weren’t selfish. Made some good passes.”
“Oh, I’ve learnt a few things.” Jamie’s voice is suddenly low, and – sexy. Sexy, is what it is, and that’s definitely not a thought Roy has ever had before about Jamie. “I can actually be very, uh-“ Jamie steps out from under his own shower and moves so he’s eye to eye with Roy. “-very giving.”
He drops to his knees like it's the most casual thing in the world and Roy is fucking glad the wall is so sturdy.
Turns out Jamie Tartt is as talented with his mouth as he is with his feet.
-
Between a mixture of away games and an international break, there isn’t another home fixture for three weeks. Neither Roy nor Jamie say a word to each other about what happened in the shower, but Roy can’t shake the memory of Jamie’s mouth on him. It’s in his head so much he’s starting to wonder if this isn’t some kind of elaborate mind game that Jamie had planned all along.
But then they beat Rotherham 4-0, and when Roy gets back from the physio this time, Jamie’s already waiting in the shower room. He scored a hat-trick, so he gets to keep the match ball, and he’s holding it over his-
“You look like a porn star.” Roy rolls his eyes as he kicks off his shorts.
Jamie grins and chucks the ball to Roy. “Thanks very much.” He looks down at himself and then back up at Roy, nodding. “Reckon I could be, yeah.”
“You’re an idiot.” Roy sets the ball down on the bench and shakes his head, walking past Jamie and casually flicking the shower on, like this isn’t going where they both know it’s going.
“Nah.” Jamie grins and follows Roy. Roy’s under the water with his eyes closed when Jamie gets his hands on him, and when he opens them Jamie’s down there again, kneeling in front of him ready.
“You know, it’s really your turn,” Jamie smirks. “But I don’t think your old man's knees could cope.”
Roy doesn’t have a chance to respond before Jamie’s mouth is on him again, and this time he knows he leaves scratches.
-
They have a game Tuesday night and they lose this time, although it’s a tight one. Roy sits this one out - they're still managing his minutes and it’s too soon after playing the full ninety at the weekend, so although he makes the bench, he doesn’t get onto the pitch.
It means he doesn’t have to see the physio, and although he showers anyway he’s in and out before Nate has finished talking Jamie and Isaac through some notes he made. Jamie’s nodding, but Roy can tell he’s not listening. Roy walks slowly into Ted’s office, very casually but very deliberately and he can feel Jamie’s eyes on his every move. He scribbles his address on a Post-it he borrows from Ted’s desk, then walks back and drops it into the pocket of Jamie’s jacket that’s hanging in his locker. He looks around – nobody except Jamie is paying him any attention.
He slings his own bag over his shoulder and heads out.
-
Jamie’s already talking as Roy swings the door open. “You know there are these things called phones? You can use it to send messages to people without acting like you think you’re James Bond or something?” He holds out the paper and points at the top line. “I mean Roy mate, your handwriting is shocking, I nearly couldn’t even-“
Roy reaches out and takes the Post-it from Jamie’s hand, balls it up and flicks it right between Jamie’s eyes. Then he closes the door.
The doorbell rings again and Roy waits a few seconds before he opens it.
“What the fuck was that?”
Roy blinks slowly and just stares at Jamie. “Are you quite finished?”
“I-“ Jamie stops himself and nods. “Yes.”
“Good.” Roy steps aside. “Come in.”
Jamie walks into the entrance hall and whistles. “Nice place. I always pictured you’d live in some sort of mountain shack, you know without any electricity or-“
He’s interrupted by Roy’s mouth on his. It’s the first time they’ve kissed, and it’s a fucking good kiss. Roy’s a little breathless when they pull apart and he tugs at Jamie’s jacket. “Get this off. Why are you even wearing a coat? What did you think was going to happen when you got here, we’re not walking the dog.”
“Have you even got a –“
“No Jamie, I haven’t got a dog.” Roy drops Jamie’s coat on the floor. “Come on. Bedroom’s this way.”
-
When Roy wakes up, Jamie is taking up three quarters of the bed with his arms and legs spread all over the place. Even in his sleep he’s annoying. Roy leaves him where he is while he gets ready for a shower – he’s not quiet, but Jamie doesn’t stir.
By the time Roy gets out of the shower, the bed is empty and he can hear the TV downstairs. He was half wondering if Jamie might have come to join him, but maybe this really is just a post-match adrenaline thing between them. It would explain a lot.
Roy pulls on a pair of trackie bottoms and doesn't bother with a shirt, then heads straight for the kitchen and fires up the coffee machine. He does his best to ignore Jamie sprawled on his sofa watching breakfast television.
"Don't you think Lorraine Kelly is fit for an old bird?" Jamie doesn't look up when Roy comes back into the room.
"What?" Roy shakes his head. "Never mind." He's about to ask if Jamie wants a coffee, since he's making one anyway, when the doorbell rings and Jamie jumps up.
"Just leave it on the step," Jamie shouts through the door. He's doing some sort of weird gruff thing with his voice and an atrocious attempt at a cockney accent. "Cheers!"
Roy just stares as Jamie waits a minute and then opens the door to pick up a single cup of coffee from the step. "Was that supposed to be me?"
"Obviously."
"Did you just order a coffee from UberEats, to be delivered to my house, while you pretended - badly - to be me, and you didn't think to get one for me?"
"Thought about it, but you've got that fancy complicated looking machine."
"I-" Roy presses his fingers into his eyes. "Right."
Jamie sets the coffee down on the table and walks over to Roy, slipping his hand inside Roy's waistband. "Anyway, fancy a quickie?"
Roy doesn't answer, just turns and heads for the bedroom. "Coffee's gonna go cold."
Jamie grins as he follows him. "Never mind, you can make me a posh one later."
-
They go top of the league when they beat Preston away, and it's not even Christmas so it doesn't really mean anything yet. But it's still a huge step, one that deserves celebrating, so Roy gathers the troops and they head for karaoke again.
He's a few beers in when he catches Jamie's eye and nods towards the bathroom. He goes slowly, and he doesn't need to check if Jamie's watching. He can feel his eyes on him.
He waits in the cubicle for what feels like an eternity and he's starting to think Jamie wasn't on his wavelength after all when he hears the bathroom door swing open. "Roy?"
Roy rolls his eyes at Jamie's lack of stealth and unlocks the door, dragging Jamie inside with him. "Thought you weren't coming."
"Gonna have to make this quick," Jamie starts to untuck Roy's shirt. "I'm up next."
Roy looks delighted. "You're doing a song?"
"Keeley asked me to sing with her, I couldn't say no." He pauses. "Well I did say no and then she said, why, are you scared, and then she said I dare you and-"
Roy kisses him, mid sentence. "This is a very effective way of shutting you up, I've found."
"Shut up yourself." Jamie fakes a pout and Roy laughs.
"So what are you singing?"
"Baby Shark."
Roy laughs louder and Jamie grins back at him. Lately Roy's started noticing things about Jamie that he's never noticed before. Like how Jamie's ears wiggle at the top when he makes Roy laugh, like he's proud of himself. "That's a joke, right?"
"Of course it's a fucking joke you weirdo." Jamie grins. "But you'll have to wait and see what we're singing, like everyone else."
"Mm. Well it definitely sounds interesting. In fact," he kisses Jamie again. "I think you should get back out there."
"But I thought we-"
Roy reaches into his wallet, pulls out a key card and slips it into Jamie's pocket. "We'll pick this up later."
"Much more hygienic," Jamie nods and Roy snorts.
"That's what they all say about you. That Jamie Tartt, sure he's a talented footballer but have you noticed how hygienic he is?"
"Fuck off," Jamie pouts again, but he's laughing. "You'd better be prepared for me to blow your socks off."
Roy raises an eyebrow. "I wasn't planning on wearing socks for it."
"When I sing, you prick." Jamie squeezes Roy's arse and then he's gone. Roy takes a minute to get himself back under control and then follows Jamie back into the club.
-
Jamie gets sent off against Coventry with twenty minutes to go and Roy is on the bench at the time. He doesn't see what happens, he's too far away, but he knows Coventry were through on goal and now their lad is on the floor. He's not really sure what Jamie was even doing temporarily back in defence but that's irrelevant now.
He can see Isaac doing his job, trying to calm Jamie down and stop him fighting the referee and everyone else in the vicinity, but it’s a struggle. Eventually Jamie’s convinced to leave the pitch by his teammates and he heads down the tunnel in a sulk as the crowd start up the familiar chants of the referee's a wanker and you don't know what you're doing.
Roy gives it two minutes before he slopes off after him, making out like he needs a piss and telling Ted he’ll be back.
Jamie has just thrown a bottle of shower gel across the dressing room when Roy opens the door. It’s a feeling Roy is very familiar with. He doesn’t speak when he walks in because he knows he wouldn’t have appreciated someone trying to talk him down if it was him, he just closes the door and waits for Jamie to notice he’s there.
Eventually he does. “It’s a fucking joke Roy, I didn’t touch him!”
“It’s okay, Jamie.”
“It’s not! I didn’t – I got the ball and I was nowhere near him, and he just threw himself on the ground like I’d snapped his leg in half. The ref is a prick for falling for it.”
Roy rests his hands on Jamie’s shoulders. “All refs are pricks. It’s why they’re refs.” He leans his forehead against Jamie’s and he can feel Jamie getting less tense. “Go and have a shower.”
"Don't want to."
"Go on. I've got to go back up, I'm only supposed to have come to the loo."
"They'll think you're having a massive shit."
"You're a massive shit," Roy laughs. He watches Jamie head for the shower and then goes back up to the bench.
-
Luckily Jamie's red card doesn't cost them the game, thanks to the two goals he'd set up for Dani in the first half.
They don’t discuss it but they both go straight to Roy’s – separate cars, of course – after the game. Roy makes a stir fry and they watch Match of the Day, and Jamie can't stop looking in his Twitter mentions to see who's been tweeting shit at him.
"Put it down."
"I just want to see-"
"Put it down."
"Half of them are-"
Roy reaches over and plucks Jamie's phone from his hand. "Stop."
"Oi!"
"Reading that stuff isn't going to help. It's over. We won. Forget it."
"I swear to god if you start banging on about goldfish I'll-"
"You'll what?" Roy smirks. "What exactly will you do to me, Jamie?"
Jamie pushes Roy back into the couch and sprawls across him, kissing his neck a little. "Thought I'd start here." He shifts down a little and lifts up Roy's shirt so he can get his mouth on the skin just above Roy's waistband. "Then here."
Roy closes his eyes and arches his back a little under Jamie. "Go on."
"Then…" Jamie grins and straightens up, reaching up and plucking his phone from Roy's hand before he can react. "Here."
"You prick." Roy laughs, rolling over so he's got Jamie pinned under him. "You are definitely gonna pay."
"Can't wait."
-
Richmond decide to officially appeal the red card and when the panel reviews it, they rule in Jamie’s favour. Roy turns up on Jamie’s doorstep with a six pack of Heineken and a pizza, because a bit of grease won’t hurt just this once.
“They said there was 'no obvious denial of goalscoring opportunity'.” Jamie grins as he opens the door, taking the food and the drinks and dumping them on the dining table.
“I can’t imagine you’ve ever denied anyone the opportunity to score.” Roy smirks and pulls Jamie back towards him by his belt loops.
“That doesn’t even make sense, you weirdo."
Roy tilts his head to one side and thinks about it. "No, you're right."
"I'm- did the great Roy Kent just say I'm right?!"
"Don't gloat about it, it won't happen again."
"We'll see about that." Jamie grins. "Lot of things have happened lately I would have put money on never happening, but here we are."
Jamie only has to stretch up very slightly when he kisses Roy, they aren't that different in height. But it's enough that Roy finds it incredibly fucking sexy and this is ridiculous. "Come on. Fuck the pizza-"
"I'd rather fuck-"
"Bed. Now."
-
Roy knocks on the door of Keeley's new office with its plaque proclaiming Keeley Jones - Head of Marketing and Roy half wonders if it shouldn't also say Agony Aunt. He goes in without waiting for an answer.
"Roy!" She grins. "Finally gonna let me find you a sponsorship?"
"How do you know if something is a relationship rather than just- blow jobs." And the rest, he thinks.
Keeley blinks. "Hello Keeley, lovely to see you, how are you? Yeah I'm good thanks Roy, how are you? Oh you know, so-so, just had a question if you've got a minute?"
Roy folds his arms and leans back against the wall. "Sorry."
She smiles at him. "So to the question in hand… how many blow jobs?"
"Multiple."
"Over… days? Weeks?"
"Couple of months."
She scribbles something down and he peers at it, until she covers it with her hand like he's trying to copy her maths homework. "What you writing?"
"None of your business. So have you kissed?"
"Yes."
"Spent the night?"
"Yes."
"Had a shag in the toilets of a karaoke bar in Preston?"
"Actually we didn't-" he looks up at her and she's grinning. "Did he tell you?"
She smiles at him and her smile is just so soft and kind. "No, Roy. I'm just not blind." She stands up. "Are you seeing other people?"
"No."
"And is he?"
"Not that I'm aware of."
She nods a little like she's mentally computing his responses like a human version of a Cosmo quiz. Not that Roy ever read his ex girlfriend's Cosmo when she wasn't home.
"I'm afraid to be the one to break it to you Roy, but you are in fact in a relationship with Jamie Tartt."
"Fuck."
Keeley laughs a little. "I know. Sorry. But also, can I just say. Speaking from experience?" She wiggles her eyebrows. "You are a very lucky boy."
-
Roy pulls into Jamie's driveway and sits in the car for a good fifteen minutes. He's not even sure what he's going to say. He eventually gets out of the car but even then he stands on the doorstep without ringing the bell.
He thinks about turning around and going home until he's got his thoughts straight but Jamie opens the door before he can.
"Did you want to come inside any time this century?"
Roy blinks. Jamie is wearing nothing but the tiniest pair of pants Roy has ever seen in his life. "I-" He shakes his head and steps inside the house. "I can't take you seriously in those."
Jamie grins and stands with his hands on his hips. "How about out of them?" He takes a step towards Roy and frowns as Roy immediately steps backwards away from him.
"I need to talk to you about something."
"If you want me to teach you how to do the thing I do with my tongue you only have to ask."
Roy rolls his eyes. "I've been talking to Keeley and she told me something disturbing."
"Did she walk in on Lasso having sex?"
"What the fuck, why would that have happened?"
Jamie shrugs. "You said it was disturbing and that's the worst thing I could think of. Because he's old and shit." He makes a gagging noise and sticks his tongue out in disgust. "Yuck."
"Your mind is an actual scientific marvel."
"You're welcome."
"Anyway. Keeley said that based on like, the facts and shit. We're in a relationship."
"You and Keeley?" Jamie looks confused.
"You and me, idiot."
"Well obviously."
Roy is stunned into silence for a minute. Was he really so oblivious that even Jamie figured it out before he did? "What do you mean, 'obviously'?"
Jamie shrugs. "I mean, it's not rocket science Royston."
"That's not my name."
Jamie grins and ignores him, starting to count his points off on his fingers. "The sex is fantastic even though you're a thousand years old-"
"Oi."
"You've cooked for me and it was actually edible-"
"I'm a fucking amazing cook thank you very much."
"When I got sent off you just came to see if I was okay." Jamie smiles a little softer. "Meant a lot."
Roy doesn't have a smart comeback for this one. He's quiet. "I suppose I just thought this was a bit of fun and you'd be back with the next influencer or supermodel soon enough."
"It's not like I haven't had offers," Jamie grins a bit. "But they're not as much fun as whatever this is."
"And that's the million dollar question then, isn't it. What is this? Like - fine, we've established I'm an idiot and we've apparently been in a relationship for god knows how long. But what are we calling each other?"
"Boyfriend?"
Roy pulls a face. "No."
"Partner?"
"Fuck no. That sounds like we're on Strictly Come fucking Dancing." He waits for a wise remark from Jamie about the use of the words 'come' and 'fucking' in close proximity but it doesn't happen.
"Does it actually even matter? If we know what it is, does it matter what it's called?" Jamie shrugs, and Roy can't believe they've actually had this entire conversation with Jamie wearing those pants.
"Will you stop coming out with wise shit, it's unnerving." He pauses a second before pulling off his t-shirt and turning towards the bedroom. "Now, about that tongue thing."
-
A week later, Roy walks into the dressing room a little late for training. It's on purpose, to make sure all eyes are on him when he arrives.
He strolls across the room, past his own locker and stops in front of Jamie. He drops a kit bag down and looks around, to check everyone is watching. He thinks they're probably expecting a fight.
"You forgot this at my place when you left this morning."
Jamie straightens up and smirks a little. "Cheers."
Roy walks back to his own spot and hangs up his jacket, making eye contact with as many of the squad as possible and silently daring them to say something.
Nobody does.
It turns out, Roy Kent is absolutely, one hundred percent in a relationship with Jamie Tartt, and he doesn't even care who knows it.