Chapter Text
Once Upon A Time--
For all good fairytales start with these four little words--
Once upon a time there was a kingdom that had many rulers over its history. Some were good, some were bad; most fell somewhere in the middle. The one that ruled the kingdom during this story was one that was beloved by many, adored by most, seen as an eccentric but a good leader. However, as it turned out, the leader was not worthy of being thought of as fondly. Of course, under his rule crime rates were low, the treasury at the palace was full of gold and he was able to fund not only elaborate parties but keep the infrastructure of the kingdom going smoothly.
But you shan’t worry, this is not a story about the infrastructure.
This is a story about his seven children who ran away from home and became the only crime lords in the land.
Actually it’s a story about a certain lovestruck guard and one of the seven bandits.
For this is a love story.
There was a familiar sword pointed at Dave’s throat. Even though the blade was close to ending his life, Dave didn’t feel very threatened. This was the third time in a month that this particular sword was directed at him. Sir Pogo was beside him, looking as calm as Dave did.
This had become the norm for the two of them.
The seven bandits, known as The Umbrellas, had been robbing from them for a while now. Sir Pogo was often tasked with collecting the taxes from the towns around the castle and whenever The Umbrellas saw their carriage they would hold it up and take the money.
Dave heard that they gave it back to the towns the taxes came from, taking only a small amount for themselves from it.
Dave had been hired as a guard for the castle long ago. His uncle had told him how it was his family’s duty to become guards and how it would make him a man.
Dave knew he was a man already, but whatever.
About a year ago he’d been moved to become Sir Pogo’s personal guard and honestly, he was surprised he hadn’t been fired from the position yet.
They got robbed a lot.
And lately the thin, long haired, smirking Umbrella had been taking Dave’s clothes during the robberies, leaving him in his underclothes. Dave had seen some of his garments being worn by the locals, he thought he’d seen some in the resale shops in town, and he thought he’d seen the smirking Umbrella wearing some of it also. But mostly it seemed as if the smirking Umbrella liked seeing Dave in his underclothes as he always looked him up and down and made some flirty comments.
Dave didn’t mind the comments at all.
He’d like to see the smirking Umbrella in his underclothes also.
“Y’know,” Dave said conversationally, handing over the last of his clothes, “it’s very unfair that I still haven’t seen you without clothes.”
Sir Pogo made a pained noise.
The Umbrella’s eyes widened and his smirk grew. Letting out a whistle, he said, “I think we could arrange that.”
The big Umbrella came over and scowled, looking at Dave handing over his clothes. He sighed deeply and directed his words at the smirking Umbrella, “Again?”
“The people need clothes,” the smirking Umbrella shrugged.
“Uh-huh,” the big Umbrella sounded unconvinced. “Must you flirt while we do this? And in front of Pogo?”
“If you think this is the first time Pogo has seen me flirt, you are sorely mistaken,” the smirking Umbrella replied. “C’mon, this is tame compared to what he’s seen me do.”
Dave glanced at Sir Pogo who found himself nodding.
Which was interesting.
Sir Pogo knew who the Umbrellas were? They were talking as if they'd known each other for a while, before all the robberies.
The young Umbrella walked up then, “We’ve seen him do way worse than thirst over the guard. Hell, he’s done worse today. Not sure why you’re making a fuss over him ogling the guard again.”
The big Umbrella frowned, “I just don’t think it’s right. It’s not very nice, always taking his clothes. Plus it’s getting cold out.”
“We’re bandits,” the smirking Umbrella commented. “Nothing we do is very nice.”
“I don’t mind,” Dave interrupted.
The smirking Umbrella pointed at Dave with his free hand, sword still close to his neck, “See? He doesn’t mind.”
“You are literally threatening him, of course he says that!” the big Umbrella exclaimed.
“My dear boy,” Sir Pogo said, “I fear he’s telling the truth.”
The big Umbrella turned to Dave, looking shocked. Or Dave thought he looked shocked, it wasn’t completely clear as they wore masks.
Dave shrugged. He’d asked Sir Pogo before about The Umbrellas, asking more about the smirking Umbrella, a few times now. Sir Pogo seemed to know a lot about them, but until this moment Dave never thought that he possibly knew them.
The smirking Umbrella quickly moved forward, the sword still pointed at Dave, but his free hand now cupping Dave’s face. His smirk was more gentle, more of a smile. “Mind if I kiss you then, Sir guard?”
“If you’re going to kiss me, you better call me Dave,” Dave said, leaning into the touch.
The smirking Umbrella’s gentle smile turned hungry, “Excellent, Davey.” He then leaned in and their lips met.
It was a short kiss, just a touch before the smirking Umbrella was pulled back by the big Umbrella. The young Umbrella looked faintly amused while Sir Pogo had his face in his hands, as if he was being tested.
As the smirking Umbrella was dragged away, farther and farther away, he cupped his hands, “I’m Klaus!”
Klaus.
Dave was standing, nearly naked, next to Sir Pogo once again. The Umbrellas suddenly disappeared into the woods, Klaus being dragged away. Their money was gone, Dave’s clothes were gone, Klaus was gone.
Dave turned to Sir Pogo and opened his mouth to speak but Sir Pogo put up a hand, “Please don’t.” Dave’s mouth shut with a click. Sir Pogo then got back in his carriage and gestured for Dave to get in the driver’s seat again so they could make their way back to the castle. Dave did as silently asked.
Dave expected to be fired once they got back. He figured he wouldn’t even have time to find new clothes and he’d be taken to Lord Hargreeves and would be fired. Maybe jailed?
Instead, Sir Pogo told him he had the rest of the day off and he’d expect him on time in the morning.
He went to his quarters, expecting someone to send word that he needed to pack his things and leave. But no one came all night. So he finally settled down in his quarters.
As he was the personal guard to Sir Pogo, he had a room all to himself. It was a good set up. Right next to Sir Pogo’s so he would be able to act quickly if needed. His room was decently furnished, not too small, and fairly warm in the winter.
He was trying to sleep, but his mind kept going back to Klaus.
Was it wrong to be attracted to the man who kept robbing him? He’d had thoughts about him for a while now, asking Sir Pogo his thoughts on the Umbrellas and Klaus in particular. They’d never been hurt whenever the Umbrella robbed and stole from him and the threats were never very serious, as if they cared for Sir Pogo. Dave had always just thought they weren’t as evil as Lord Hargreeves said, and with how they gave most of their stolen items back to the people supported Dave’s theory. But now? It seemed as if they knew Sir Pogo and that they all cared about each other.
Dave wished he could have asked Sir Pogo more about what he knew of the bandits, but he hadn’t let him. Sir Pogo also seemed to know whenever Dave wanted to ask and would give him a certain look or tell him no in a very kind voice.
As Dave got ready for bed, getting fully undressed so he could put on his night clothes, he realized he was missing his amulet. It was an old metal sheet that symbolized his religion. It had been in his family for generations, from back when they had to hide who they worshiped. Nowadays, under Lord Hargreeves, people were free to worship their chosen religion. So while he didn’t need the amulet to help others who believed the same as him that he was safe to talk to, it still meant a lot to him.
Chances were he lost it during the robbery. Stuck in his shirt and taken away.
He hoped that whoever ended up owning the amulet would take good care of it.
Just as Dave was finally falling asleep, the window to his room slowly opened.
He was immediately awake. As subtle as he could, Dave moved so that he had his dagger in his hand and he got ready for anything.
Or so he thought.
He was not ready for the sound of the intruder tripping and falling over, letting out a loud curse.
Dave shot up out of bed and quickly lit the lamp next to his bed.
“Oh hey, Davey!” Klaus smiled from the floor.
“Klaus?” Dave asked. He lowered his dagger slightly, but not completely. While he was drawn to Klaus and they had kissed earlier that day, he still remembered all the times Klaus and the other Umbrellas robbed him.
Klaus righted himself on the floor but stayed sitting on it. He looked different. It took Dave a little too long to realize he wasn’t wearing his mask. He was wearing different clothes also. Whenever he was out with the other Umbrellas, they all wore similar clothes. It wasn’t a uniform, not like the guards uniform, but it was cohesive. You knew they were the Umbrellas, that they were working together, they were bandits.
Crimelords, evil, ready to bring about the end of the kingdom.
Or as Lord Hargreeves said when asked about the Umbrellas.
Klaus looked up at him from the floor, “I was hoping I got the room right. This has always been Pogo’s personal guard’s room so I had hoped it was yours. You seemed to be his personal guard. Congrats on that position by the way, it’s a good one.”
Dave blinked. Klaus spoke as if he knew the layout of the castle. As if he’d spent a lot of time there. Not many knew where Sir Pogo’s room was, let alone where his personal guard stayed. And yet--- and yet Klaus seemed to.
“Oh hey, do you know, does Kechie still work here? Man, he was obsessed with me.” Klaus paused for a second before adding a thoughtful, “He always brought me the best mushrooms.”
“Yes, Kechie still works here,” Dave said slowly. Kechie worked in the kitchens.
“Boss. Tell him I said hey.”
Dave lowered his dagger the rest of the way, “Not that it’s not nice to see you, but--”
“Oh yes!” Klaus clapped and then got up. He held his hands up in the air. HELLO. GOOD BYE. An umbrella on the inside of his arm. The umbrella looked familiar, Dave was sure he’d seen it before but he couldn’t remember where. “I have something to give you.”
Dave wanted to trust Klaus, but he had broken into his room, “Set it on the table.”
Klaus nodded and reached into his jacket, pulling out something small and silver. “I didn’t mean to take it earlier. I’d noticed you wearing it previously and it looks old and my sisters thought it was probably important to you and so I thought I’d drop it back off.”
It was his amulet.
Dave nodded, swallowing thickly, he said, “Thank you.” Putting his dagger down, he reached out and put his amulet back on. “It does mean a lot to me.”
“Yeah, Five talked about its history? He really likes historical things, y’know? Like if we steal something old he can usually tell us when it was first made. And then my sisters were saying it probably meant a lot and I didn’t want you mad at me for stealing it! Or worse: sad. So I told Ben my plan for getting it back to you and he said I should just give it to you next we rob you and Pogo but I wanted to see you again.”
“Your sisters? Ben? Five?”
“The other Umbrellas,” Klaus shrugged. “We were all adopted by an evil, unjust man. Taught us everything we know,” he giggled. “Serves him right.”
“So Five is a sibling?” Dave asked, confused.
Klaus nodded, “The evil, unjust man is so wicked that he didn’t name us. I was Number Four for a long time. Most of us got names later. Five never wanted one. He’s the uh-- young one..”
Dave was set off by the tone Klaus used, “Sounds like he’s not young?”
“Cursed to be young by The Handler,” Klaus waved his hand around in a what-you-gonna-do motion.
Dave’s eyebrows shot up, “The Handler?” Everyone knew about her. She was the witch that had tried to destroy the kingdom. She had ended up being killed by her own men eventually, but she had nearly reached her goal a few times.
Klaus let out a dreamy sigh, “She had the most wonderful hats.”
“Do you like hats?” Dave wondered how extravagant The Handler’s hats were to make Klaus let out such a sigh. Were they that amazing or was Klaus just very fond of headwear?
Klaus rolled his eyes, smirking, “Davey, no need for the euphemism, we’ve already kissed. Obviously I like hats.”
“Huh?”
Klaus belted out a laugh, ending in a fond giggle. “You are too precious.”
The smirking Umbrella, indeed.
He thought about kissing that smirk.
Klaus seemed to know what Dave was thinking, he winked as he blew a kiss. “We could kiss some more, if you’re not too busy.” Klaus walked over and sprawled himself on Dave’s bed, “We could even roleplay if it makes you feel more confident. I’m the bandit and you’re the guard-- or!” Klaus perked up more, “I can play the guard! And you’re the naughty bandit!” He cackled, pleased with his idea.
“How about just Klaus and Dave kiss?” Dave got on his bed, across from Klaus.
Klaus let out a deep sigh, it almost sounded pained, but the smirk on his face betrayed how amused he was, “Oh, I guess.”
Dave had heard of True Love’s First Kiss. It was powerful and it could change the outcome of the world. He didn’t think their first kiss had the power of a Kiss, but if he felt such a connection with Klaus, he wondered if Klaus was his true love.
The True Loves are usually meant for royalty or people who changed the world for better or worse. They were the ones who fell in love within minutes of meeting and Dave had been sidetracked by the smirking Umbrella from the first robbery.
But they weren’t royalty and he didn’t see how a bandit and a guard could change the world.
Dave wasn’t sure how long they had been kissing when the door to his room opened. He wasn’t even sure how long ago it had opened, he was very distracted by Klaus. What he was sure of was they were interrupted when the knife Umbrella cleared his throat, “Not a very perceptive guard are you?”
Klaus turned and glared, “Excuse you, he has been very perceptive and attentive to me.”
Then Dave saw who else was in his room.
He quickly got off the bed and stood at attention at seeing the queen in his room.
Grace Hargreeves was smiling at the three of them. She gave a friendly wink to Dave and then put a hand on the knife Umbrella’s shoulder, “Now Diego, be nice to your brother.”
“Yeah! Be nice to me!” Klaus smirked at them.
Dave then realized who was all in his room.
Two of the Umbrella bandits as well as the Queen.
“Your majesty, are you alright? Have either of these bandits hurt you?” Dave glanced around, wondering where he’d put his sword he had earlier. He also wondered if he was set up as some sort of distraction for Diego to get to the Queen. He’d been played like a fool.
Grace let out a light laugh, “Oh no, not at all.”
“Yeah! I’m dropping off your necklace while Diego is kidnapping her!” Klaus said happily. “A non-violent kidnapping!”
“You’re kidnapping the Queen?!” Dave had to rethink what he thought about the Umbrellas. He’d never heard of them seriously harming someone and while Grace seemed in good health so far, that didn’t mean she would stay that way.
Just because he felt a connection with Klaus didn’t mean he wasn’t a bandit. Wanted by the crown.
“Really, boys, is it a kidnapping when I’m choosing to come with you?” Grace asked.
“Well daddy will say it's a kidnapping in the morning, so--” Klaus shrugged.
“I’m sorry but what is happening?” Dave questioned. He was so confused. Who was their dad? Why would he claim its a kidnapping if the Queen willingly left.
Klaus opened his mouth, hopefully to explain the situation better but Diego spoke up first, “We don’t have time, Klaus. We have to go. They’ll notice mom missing soon.”
“I left a note explaining everything,” Grace smiled sweetly.
Klaus grumbled but got off the bed, “I’ll see you soon, Davey.” He winked and kissed Dave on the cheek before Diego grabbed Klaus’s arm and drug him away in a very similar manner the other Umbrella’s did earlier in the day.
The Queen waved to Dave and bid him goodbye before following the Umbrellas out of Dave’s room.
“Did they just call the Queen their mom?” Dave asked his empty room.