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Time was confusing for Noah. Since he had been murdered, memories were jumbled and in no order. He would spend hours reliving a particular memory and not realise how much time had passed, or if it had passed at all. But being around the others was a little grounding, because with them he could pretend to just be a normal boy, and whenever Blue was around, he felt more stable.
But since they had found out about him, it had been worse. Noah felt weaker; staying at one place required too much energy . Existing required too much energy. And he also felt angry; he would get stuck reliving the moment he was killed and it would fill him with uncontrollable rage. When Blue had came over, it had helped and he had been able to tell them what happened; Adam had bumped fists with him and he could again try to pretend, but now it was night and everything felt dull but sharper at the same time.
Ronan hadn’t come out of his room much since they had found out and Noah felt oddly guilty that his friend was sad because of him. Mustering the little energy he had, he went to Ronan’s room. The other boy was lying on his bed with Chainsaw sleeping on his chest and his eyes blinked open as he probably sensed Noah.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you,” Noah said.
“It’s okay. I couldn’t sleep anyway,” Ronan said and sat up, cradling Chainsaw to his chest and shifting to make place for Noah.
He sat down beside him, leaning back against the headboard. He didn’t know how much he had changed physically since they removed his body from the leyline; how did the others see him now?
“I’m sorry,” he said, looking at the scratches on Ronan’s arms.
“This isn’t your fault,” Ronan told him.
“It is though, I didn’t mean to hurt you but… everything feels so disoriented. My emotions feel sharper but everything else feels blurred. I don’t know what’s happening- and I can’t-”
“Hey, hey, it’s okay,” Ronan said, looking at him with worried eyes. “Noah, you’re disappearing again. You need to calm down.”
Noah took in deep breaths as Ronan moved to place Chainsaw in her cage.
“Do you think only Blue’s energy works, or you could use mine too?”
“I don’t know,” Noah admitted.
Ronan held out his hand and Noah tentatively held it.
“Fuck, your hands are cold,” Ronan muttered. “Is it helping?”
“A little,” he replied. He didn’t feel as stable and present as he had with Blue, but it was better than what he was feeling a moment before.
“Noah, I’m not afraid of you,” he said, voice soft like all those times they had stayed up late talking. “I know you didn’t mean to hurt me.”
“I don’t… I don’t want you all to see me differently now and I don’t know how to stop this.”
“Hey, no matter what, you’re still the same Noah we spent this whole time with. This doesn't change that,” Ronan said with a gentle yet firm tune. “You could have told us,” he added after some time.
“I guess I didn’t know how to. You guys just saw me like a normal person. I could act like I… like I was alive, and I guess I didn’t want that to stop.”
“That’s fair,” Ronan muttered.
“I do feel different now. Adam’s right. Since they moved the body, I don’t know how to exist for too long without Blue’s energy.”
“If we take… it back to the leyline, do you think it would be better?”
“I think so.”
“We could try that then,” Ronan said. “Or when we find Glendower, I’ll ask him for your life.”
“What- you can’t,” Noah said, shaking his head. Ronan couldn't waste his favor on him. He...He wasn't worthy of that.
“Of course I can.” Ronan frowned, like he didn't get why Noah was disagreeing. “I never really thought of what I’d ask, but now I do. I’ll ask him for your life back. You- this is not fair. You shouldn’t have to be like this just because Whelk betrayed you like that.”
“I…”
“I know you think he was your friend,” Ronan cut him off, his shaky voice full of anger and something like grief. “But no friend would do that, Noah. That was fucked up and he should be in jail, not walking around freely. I hope they catch him soon. And we’ll figure something out to bring you back.”
“I…I don’t know what it would be like being alive again,” Noah admitted quietly.
“Well, you will find out then,” Ronan said.
Noah had never really let himself hope of it. He had known it was impossible, so hoping was pointless. But it was hard to not think of how things would have been if he was alive. But now, Ronan's words sparked the hope he had buried deep in his chest. “I would like that, I think,” he said. He didn’t know if he could cry, but his chest felt painfully tight and Ronan’s hard blinking eyes and sniffles made it worse.
“If you start crying, I will too,” he said, trying to put on a smile.
“I’m not gonna cry,” Ronan said, pressing the heels of his hands to his eyes. “Fuck, I’m not mourning you or something. You’re going to be okay. We’ll bring you back. You’re not leaving.”
Noah didn’t know who Ronan was trying to convince more but, blinking away the tears, he tried too. “And until then you can throw me out windows without any worries.”
Ronan let out a forced laugh that sounded like a sob. Rubbing his eyes, he said, “And now we can try all the stunts that Gansey says are too dangerous and risky.”
“I can even haunt your class and cancel school,” Noah suggested, sniffling.
“That would be wicked,” Ronan said, grinning, though it was weaker than his usual look. “Why the fuck haven’t you done that before?”
“Because I know you like to stare at Adam during class.”
Ronan’s eyes widened almost comically as his face flushed. He looked about to deny it like always, but then he shook his head, saying, “I’m gonna let you get away with this only this once.”
They sat there, trading jokes and insults, Noah not letting Ronan fall into despair and Ronan grounding Noah and keeping each other afloat.
Noah didn't know if he could ever thank Ronan for everything he did and for just always being there, but he really hoped he would get a chance to, and that he would never lose this friendship.