Chapter Text
Claude mentally cursed up a storm. He was late to class. Not just a little late. He was very late. Teach hated it when their students were late. Usually when someone was late, Teach stormed their room and dragged them to class kicking and screaming. Hilda had been forced to attend class in nothing but her nightgown more than once. That particular threat cut off Hilda’s little habit of oversleeping almost entirely.
Claude, however, had never slept in before today. He was a model student, the pinnacle of poised nobility and honor, never shirking his — nope, he couldn’t even think that with a straight face. His penchant for mischief aside, he was an attentive student. Teach’s classes were always, always interesting. Even the times he pulled all-nighters in the library, he always dragged himself to class.
Today he slept in until noon. Noon! He overslept by hours. It wasn’t a weekend (he checked), it wasn’t a holiday (he checked), and it wasn’t his birthday (he checked). There were only two reasons Teach would let him sleep in: they either really, really liked him as their favorite student (doubtful), or they were injured/indisposed (possible, also worrying). Thank the Gods he didn’t do much to get ready in the morning. His bed-head was his staple look. All he did was brush some stubborn cat fur off of his jacket before booking it to class. If it were for anyone else’s class, he would have casually strolled from his room to the classroom, appearing perfectly unaffected by his tardiness. Unfortunately, it was Teach’s class he was late for. He ran.
He panted, entirely out of breath as he peeked his head through the door. Unfortunately, because it was just his luck for the day, upon hearing the door open the entire class swivel their heads to look at him. Despite being out of breath, he cocked a grin towards Teach. They were, frustratingly as ever, blank-faced and impossible to get a read on. “Sorry I’m late, Teach! It won’t happen again, promise!”
He expected a scolding or punishment. He received only a nod of their head. “It’s fine. Good morning. Take your seat.”
Was that really it? Too good to be true. He slid into his seat beside Hilda. He expected something like ‘Wow, how come you get to sleep in, but I don’t? These are double standards!’
“So, done with your ever so important duties, Mr. Leader Man?”
He kept up an easy grin that showed none of his confusion. “Important duties? That’s a bit much.”
“The professor said you were excused from class because you were ‘performing duties far more important than classwork’. They wouldn’t tell us any more than that, though!”
He shrugged. “Psh, Hilda, maybe you should shush before Teach tells you to.” He winked. “It’s the middle of class.” He glanced over at Teach and realized they were allowing Hilda to run her mouth. Usually Teach was strict about talking during their lesson.
“Claude, I also must inquire as to your whereabouts this morning.” Lorenz gave him a long, hard look. “Were you tending to a matter involving the Alliance? If so, I demand to be informed.”
“Nope. No need to stick your nose where it doesn’t belong, Lorenz. That’s my job.”
“On the contrary, matters involving the Alliance are certainly my ‘business’, and thus—”
Claude waved a hand. “Didn’t involve the Alliance.” Unless ‘the heir to the Alliance’s leading house slept in’ counted. “Happy?”
Hilda wasn’t. She leaned forward, resting her chin on laced fingers. “What were you doing, then? The professor never excuses us from class. Must’ve been pre-tty important.”
“Maybe they excused me because I’m their favorite.”
“I have no favorites,” Teach interrupted — clearly lying — before returning to their previous occupation of silently staring forward and otherwise not actually teaching or doing their job.
“Sure, sure, wink wink nod nod, no favorite, I gotcha. Again, sorry about being late. So, what’s the topic? Don’t let me hold up your lesson.”
Hilda slammed her hands on the desk. “Nuh-uh! I refuse to pay attention until I get my answers.”
“Not to also hold up the lesson,” Leonie spoke up, “but I’m curious too. You’ve never been late before, Claude.”
“Yeah, is everything alright?” Raphael asked, actually sounding genuinely concerned.
“Aw, thanks for the concern, but everything’s fine. Seriously, don’t sweat it. I—”
“Saints!” Lysithea shouted. “Claude, you are insufferable on a good day, but this is too much! Just answer the question so we can return to class!”
“Yes Claude,” Lorenz hissed, “tell us of whatever scheme you were busy pulling, and how you pulled the wool over our professor’s eyes.”
“I don’t think anyone can ‘pull the wool over’ Teach’s eyes. Trust me, I’ve tried.”
Teach gave a solemn nod. “He’s learned his lesson.” He felt a tiny prickle of fear remembering his failed attempts. “Multiple times.”
“Ahem. Yeah, that. Lorenz, you should have more faith in Teach. They aren’t so easily fooled—”
Hilda yanked on his braid. “You’re dodging the question again! Why! Were! You! Late!”
“Ack—hey, Hilda—ow ow ow, let go!”
Hilda grinned a not-at-all delicate grin. “Tell me, and I’ll let you go.” She yanked on his braid again.
Unfortunately, he knew he couldn’t beat Hilda in a strength contest. His only other methods of escape involved actively harming Hilda (hitting her to surprise her, throwing something at her, feigning a strike at her eyes…) Maybe he could pretend to faint? But that was liable to get his braid ripped off of his skull.
She gave another tight yank.
“Fine! I slept in! Ow!”
Hilda tisked. “Liar!”
“I’m not lying! Yowch! Hilda, you’re going to — ow! — rip my braid off!”
“Ugh, stop being such a baby. Everyone knows the professor deals harshly with those who oversleep.” Hilda shuddered.
“Well, it’s the truth! I stayed up late and slept in. End of story.” Hilda still held his braid in her grip, but she stopped tugging. “Teach, back up your favorite student here!”
“I have no favorite student.”
“Your secret favorite student, then!”
“Well, the professor did go to check on Claude earlier this morning…” Ignatz mumbled. “If he really was sleeping in, they would have dragged him here, right?”
Claude’s eye twitched. “Wait, Teach, did you—”
“I can confirm Claude slept in, yes.”
“What!” Hilda shouted, still holding his braid and yanking his head as she slammed her fists on the desk. “Oops, sorry Claude.”
Claude rubbed his head from where he wacked it into the desk, cradling his braid with his other hand. “I do not deserve this level of abuse.”
“Yes you do! How come you got to sleep in?!”
“Is sleeping in truly ‘important work’, professor?” Lorenz’s sour tone made it clear it wasn’t actually a question.
Teach gave a serious nod. “Great work can be performed while sleeping.”
There was a beat of silence.
“Teach… what does that mean?”
“Was he writing an essay in his sleep?” Raphael wondered aloud.
“I wish I could do that…” Claude mumbled.
Teach shook their head. “Claude was occupied. I was not about to wake him and his friends up just for class. It didn’t seem fair.”
“His… friends…?”
Claude realized something. His smile froze in place. “Teach, did you… come into my room…?”
They blinked at him. “Of course. Did you think I wouldn’t? It’s what I always do.”
“Oh.” His face burst into flames. “Okay.” Oh Gods, he was definitely blushing. Oh Gods, Teach saw him. He had contingencies for if others found him out, but nothing for Teach. He knew none of his excuses would work on them.
“Oh my Goddess…” he heard Hilda whisper.
“Wait, does that mean…?”
“Did Claude…?”
Teach saw him. In his room. With…
He wanted to curl up and die.
“You and your friends looked very comfortable, Claude. I couldn’t wake you all up.”
“His friends?!”
“Claude was—with—wait, more than one?!”
Claude shook his head. “N-no wait, it’s not—look, it’s not what you think!”
Hilda was staring at him open-mouthed. “I can’t believe it.”
He brought his hands in front of him, shaking them rapidly. “Wait wait wait! Hold on, I—I can explain!”
“Is the professor saying what I think they’re saying?” Ignatz stared at him with wide eyes. “Claude wouldn’t do… that. Right?”
“Seems out of character,” Leonie mumbled back, “but… I mean, he is rather mysterious. And secretive! Secretive people have things to hide.”
“Hey, I—”
“It’s gotta be,” Raphael interrupted him. “He wouldn’t be embarrassed if he wasn’t.”
“‘Performing’… ‘important duties’…” Lorenz looked even more shocked than Hilda, his face bursting into red. “Performing important duties?! Claude—at the academy?! That is most improper! A scandal!”
Claude covered his face with a hand, knowing it couldn’t hide his embarrassment. “A scandal? That — that’s a huge exaggeration. And, if not the academy, where else?”
Hilda stared at him with wide eyes. “You’re embarrassed.”
He tried to school his expression. It was difficult, considering Hilda was very correct. “You’re seeing things.”
“I could cook an egg on your face. You’re red.”
“I-it’s just the lighting. My face isn’t red.”
“Goddess, the stuttering. I’ve never heard you stutter before.”
He threw up his hands. “Look, I’m not the only one who does this, okay? It’s not a big deal.” He’d definitely noticed Bernadetta doing it one night.
“Sylvain does not count!” Hilda shouted.
“Sylvain?— wait, never mind, I don’t care. Look, they wouldn’t stop begging me, okay. They just looked, you know, pathetic. My heart might be icy cold, but even I have my limits!”
Leonie rose to stand, jabbing a finger at him. “Are you saying you took advantage of them?!”
“What? No, more like they took advantage of me. Did you not hear me say they were begging me?”
“So it was pity.”
“Yeah? They were cold! It was raining! I’m not heartless!”
“Why’s everyone so upset?” Raphael asked. “I’d do the same! No one wants to be out in the cold.”
“Um, Raphael, I think you’re misunderstanding…” Ignatz mumbled.
“Claude.” Teach looked at him with their usual blank expression, but he couldn’t help but think there was a layer of vindictiveness underneath. “I saw the food and toys in your room. A collar as well. You do not need to lie and say this was a one-time thing.”
“Food? Toys?! A collar?!”
“Toys… as in… those kinds of toys?”
“What other kind would he have? It’s gotta be, Goddess!”
“Professor!” Lysithea didn’t quite shout, but it was a near thing. “Can we please stop talking about this subject and get back to class. No one wants to hear these…” she shuddered, “details.”
Hilda was looking at him like he was a completely different person.
“Okay, I know the collar was a bad idea, especially since I don’t plan to keep him — and, look, I know it’s against the dorm code.”
“It’s against more than just the dorm code!” Leonie shouted. “Is that even lawful? There’s no way that’s legal. I know you’re kinda a bigshot, but that’s really pushing it!”
“To think, I had a shred of respect for you. A small one, but I see even that was misplaced.” Lorenz looked down his nose at him. “My father will be hearing of this, and the rest of the Roundtable too.”
Claude gaped. “Whoa whoa, hold up, that’s too far! No one needs to know! You guys are blowing this way out of proportion! Seriously, don’t tell anyone!” He raked his mind for every shred of blackmail material he had on the class. Did he have enough? For everyone?
Teach nodded. “Indeed. Though it was only a glance, I could tell that Claude was earnestly taking care of those in his room. The bitch looked very well taken care of.”
Oh, Claude realized, this was Teach’s punishment to him for being late. “H-he’s not a female, actually, Teach…” Gods, why was that the part of their statement he tried to correct?! “He’s a good boy, nice and quiet—”
“A BOY?!”
“Professor, how can you condone this!”
“How young?! You didn’t—! ”
“Is this a dream? This has to be a weird dream. I don’t understand any of this.”
“I can't believe it. He’s a closeted deviant!”
Claude thumped his burning face against his desk. “Teach, you should’ve just dragged me to class.” He wasn’t sure he’d ever been this embarrassed.
“I was wary that the viper at your feet would bite me.”
“Professor, please cease referring to these people with such crude terms. Claude is abusing his noble status treating these poor people this way!”
“People…?” Claude muttered. “What people?”
“The ones you’ve locked up in your room!”
“That you’ve been sleeping with!”
“And feeding! Claude, how come you don’t give me food?!”
“Um, Raphael, I think you’re missing the point…”
Claude stared at everyone. “I’m missing the point too.”
Leonie pinched her brow. “Claude, how many have you been sharing your bed with?”
“Seven by my count,” Teach answered.
“SEVEN?!”
“Seven?” Claude frowned at Teach. “Only six.”
“Oh, only six! That’s not so bad! Only six!”
“How the hell did he even fit that many on his bed…?”
Hilda rapidly shook her head. “Is this why you have a huge bed? So you can have — orgies?!”
Claude choked. “Orgies?! Excuse me?!”
“How have I not heard about this? This is prime gossip material! How has no one noticed?”
Lorenz stared blankly ahead. “Our rooms are next to each other. Oh Saints, all of those strange noises that come from your room. Saints. An orgy.” His voice lowered to a whisper. “Seven, and I can’t even get one…”
“It’s not hard! You can have one if you want, Lorenz! I already said I don’t plan on keeping them.”
“I am NOT trading people like livestock, Claude!”
Claude threw up his hands. “A kitten isn’t a person, Lorenz!”
There was a beat of silence.
“A… kitten…?”
Claude raised his eyes to the ceiling. “I thought that was clear?” Gods, he wanted to be struck by lightning and be done with this. Hilda was right, he could totally cook an egg on his face.
Raphael nodded. “Yeah, I mean, your jacket’s covered in fur. Besides, what else would you be feeding in your room? Why else have toys and a collar? Come on guys, even I figured that one out.”
“You have kittens in your room.”
“Yup.”
“Seven kittens.”
“Three, actually.”
A beat of silence.
“And… the other four?”
“They aren’t people, if that’s your concern.”
“He has a dog, small wyvern, snake, and bird.”
“Teach! And hey, wait, a bird? I don’t have a bird.”
“One was nesting in your hair earlier.”
Claude reached up and ran a hand through his hair. Pulling out a small brown feather, apparently Teach was right. “Okay, apparently there was also a bird in my room. I didn’t let that one in.”
“Why do you have a zoo in your room?!”
He hissed a breath through his teeth. “Look, the dog had a broken leg. I let him in my room while he healed, and now he just kinda sticks around some nights. The wyvern hatched a couple of days ago, and she’s albino. Her mama left her out to die. She doesn’t deserve to freeze to death just because she’s a little different. And I’ve had the snake for ages.”
Hilda snatched him by the collar. “Claude, why didn’t you say they were animals earlier? And don’t give me some crap about ‘oh, it was totally implied!’ There’s no way this is all there is to it. Seriously, look at you. You’re drowning in embarrassment.”
“I am not.”
“It’s because he doesn’t want anyone to know he’s a sap deep down.”
“Teach!” His face hadn’t cooled down at all, but now it blazed all the hotter. Just when he thought it couldn’t get any worse…! “I’m not a sap!” His voice cracked.
“Don’t sleep in next time.”
Hilda let him go, grumbling. Then she looked at him with a calculating look that he did not like. She leaned into his space. “So, when’s the best time to stop by to see the cute critters? How about after class?”
“I don’t recall inviting you to my room.”
“It's cute that you think you have a choice in the matter.” She fluttered her eyelashes at him, pouting. “Wouldn’t want Seteth to hear about your cutesy animal collection…”
“U-um… Claude, um… c-could I, maybe, if it isn’t too much trouble, come visit them…? A-after class, when you aren’t busy… if it’s okay with you. If it’s not okay that’s fine too, um—”
“Can I see them too? Only if you don’t mind…”
“Yeah, I want in on this too!”
Claude groaned into his desk.
“This kitten is Sun,” he nodded to the orange Riegan tabby, “this one is Moon,” he nodded to the white Ordelian, “and this one is Star,” he nodded down to the black Hresvelgion Whisker he held in his lap. “They’re triplets.” Sun and Moon, having just been fed, were content (as content as they ever were) to squeal at his side for attention. Star, the last one to be fed, suckled at the bottle of milk in his hands. He gestured to the white wyvern clinging to his neck. “And this little one I haven’t named yet, considering she’s two days old. I’m taking suggestions.”
“And this pupper?” Hilda asked, petting said pupper. The old Blaiddyd Rex calmly wagged his tail, arching his head into Hilda’s nails.
“Butter.”
She raised an eyebrow. “You named him Butter?”
“He once ate a pound of butter that I dropped. Thus: Butter.”
“Why… did you have a pound of butter?”
“Oh Hilda. You do not want to know.”
“U-um, he seems to like you a lot, Claude. You must take good care of him…” Marianne was much less of a nervous wreck than usual. He mentally noted that animals made her more comfortable. That could be useful for the future…
He shrugged, wincing as the wyvern dug her claws into his shoulders. “I don’t do anything special, I just feed him sometimes. He learned that by begging loudly outside my door, I have no choice but to let him inside. I can’t exactly say no. Anyone would be able to see the dog begging outside of my door. He's not my dog, but that won't stop Seteth from punishing me like he is.” Butter wasn’t even a loud whiner. No, he just quietly whimpered, utterly pathetic and sad until Claude opened his door. “He’s awful like that.” Never mind the joy he felt whenever Butter’s tail started wagging just at the sight of him, or how much he appreciated having the dog around during his more lonely nights. No one needed to know that.
He pulled the bottle away from Star, something she was not happy about. If he’d been alone, he might have lightly petted her puffed out belly, chiding her for getting chubby, or some other soft (he was not sappy) comment. Speaking to animals was important! He was pretty sure, anyways. They said it was important to speak to babies, so animals had to be the same, right? He was just doing his due diligence for the kitten’s development when he baby-talked them. That was all.
What with the two girls in his room, however, he settled for rolling his eyes in exasperation as Star gnawed on his finger. He made sure to keep anything fond or fond-adjacent away from his expression. He placed Star on his shoulder (the one without the unnamed wyvern) to burp her. He was mostly sure he could wean them off of milk soon, providing he guessed their ages correctly. He couldn’t wait for that. Bottle feeding was a pain.
“I’m surprised you know how to take care of them so well… Have you been fostering them for long?” Marianne asked, gently picking up Moon.
“About a week and a half. It’s the wildest story, actually…” He huffed a laugh as he remembered it. “Their mother was pretty sick, I think. I was just minding my business, staring up at my ceiling and contemplating the universe at midnight, as you do, when suddenly something jumps from the branch outside and into my room! It’s dark, being midnight of course, so you can imagine my confusion when there’s suddenly something squealing in my room. The figure darts out of my window, leaving the squealing bundle. She came back twice more, dropping off a new kitten each time. Then she left, never to return.” He left out the terror he experienced, assuming the cat to be an assassin at first.
“That’s so sad! The poor cat!” Marianne shot a pair of sad eyes down at Moon. Claude was just grateful she didn’t direct that look at him.
“It is kinda funny though… like, why Claude of all people?”
He shrugged. He went to pull Star off his shoulder. She disagreed with being relocated, clawing into his jacket. “Maybe I was the only one with an open window that night. Who knows.”
“Never would’ve pegged you as an animal whisperer. You and Marianne should trade tips! Between the two of you, I bet there’s nothing you can’t tame!”
“O-oh, um, I’m not that great…”
“I’m no animal whisper. They just seem to…” he made a face, “congregate around me. Never been able to figure that one out.” They could smell his weakness, he was sure of it. Somehow animals knew he couldn’t resist a sad set of eyes. That had to be it.
“Claude, I hope you know how absolutely hilarious it is that your big bad secret is that you’re an animal lover. You’re so mysterious, but this secret is just — so pure. So adorable.”
His ears grew hot. He smirked, raising an eyebrow. “Oh, you think you’ve figured me out? Sure, sure. No more secrets for me; this is it. No need to dig any deeper. Ah, I haven’t introduced you to the last one.”
“The bird that slept in your hair? I thought you said it was just a random bird that you didn’t let in.”
“I wasn’t talking about the bird.” He finally pried Star off his shoulder, settling her onto his bed. She screamed her dissatisfaction at her new arrangement. Unfortunately for her, his room wasn’t a democracy and thus her complaint meant nothing. Her tiny claws didn’t even break the skin of his hand. Maybe when she was older she would learn how to properly riot and overthrow him. Until that day came, Claude was happy to rule with an iron fist.
After a moment of deliberation, he scratched behind her ears. She was very cute, after all. It had nothing to do with how sad her meows were. Her determination deserved a reward, that was all.
He knew he wasn’t getting the wyvern off his shoulder, so he didn’t bother trying. If the kittens were clingy, the wyvern was like a second skin. Prying her off of his face earlier in the morning had been a herculean effort.
He knelt down and reached under his bed. He wiggled his fingers, and just like he expected, his little snake curled around his fingers. “She’s not a social snake, but this is Vishkanya.” She eyed Hilda, flicking her tongue out in her direction.
“Claude. That’s an Almyran viper.”
“She sure is!”
“Claude. Those things are super poisonous.”
“Nah, she’s not poisonous.”
Hilda slumped and gave a long exhale. “Oh, that’s good. You had me worried for a second!”
“She’s venomous. Common misunderstanding.” He winked. “See, things are ‘poisonous’ when you eat them. If it bites you, that means it’s ‘venomous’. There aren’t very many poisonous snakes out there. Although, there is this one species of snake that lives in Adrestia that’s poisonous. See, it eats poisonous toads, and then—”
“Wow, I really don’t care. It’s astounding how little I care.” She pressed her hands to her face, taking a few deep breaths. When her hands slid down to her lap, she stared at him intensely. “Claude?”
“Hmmmm?”
“Why?”
“Why what?” He brought Vish up to his face. She greeted him with a quick tongue flick against his nose. He booped her forehead with his finger in response. The little wyvern around his neck began investigating Vish’s tail.
“Do you have a death wish? Those things kill people all the time. Why do you have one?”
“She was a birthday gift!”
“What.”
“Yeah, got her when I was six. We’ve been inseparable since.”
Hilda gave an uncomfortable giggle. “When you were six? Who gives a pois—venomous, whatever — who gives a deadly snake to a six year old? I’m surprised you aren’t dead!”
“If she killed me, who would feed her, or act as her heat-rock? Nah, she loves me. She wouldn’t try to kill me.” He didn’t mention the fact that she had bitten him, and often still did. To be fair, she only ever bit him when he asked for it. Technically, she was a birthday gift, wrapped up in a box and everything. Sure, it had been an attempt to kill him, but after he survived the first bite he decided to take the gift as it was. Through (small) doses he had built up a tolerance (which had been miserable, but so worth it). He still had her bite him at least once a month to keep his immunity fresh. Her poison was a lot more lethal than his preferred poisons, but it was a good last resort.
Plus the ‘oh no I’ve been bit by a deadly snake, I’m dying!’ routine was a hilarious party trick (and an excellent way to make people drop their guard around him).
“O-kaaay. Well, offense intended, but I’m going to keep petting the nice, non-venomous doggy instead, thanks.”
“Probably for the best. Vish doesn’t really like anyone who isn’t me.” He winked. “Just a little heads-up if you ever think breaking into my room is a good idea.”