Chapter Text
Connor’s colour was red.
When he was very young he’d had a steam engine in red. He’d carried it everywhere with him, rolling it along garden walls and railings as he trailed behind his parents. They couldn’t see the red. To them the steam engine was black and white and grey. There was no pink for Cynthia to see, no green for Larry to see. And they’d never been able to see anything else.
Zoe couldn’t see the red either. To her it was black and white and grey, with two small yellow lights shining from the front of the carriage. They’d looked too much like eyes to her, so she’d never wanted to play with it. Connor had never minded that, it just meant that the steam engine was something he could keep to himself.
At 16 it lived in a box under his bed gathering dust. It didn’t have much of a place in his world of black and white and grey but there was still a small part of him that couldn’t let it go. He told his mother he’d thrown it away, furiously storming out as soon as he noticed the tears welling up in her eyes. She didn’t have any right to cry over his things. He told her that with the slam of the front door.
But smoking on a park bench, shivering against the cold, he thought he could almost understand. Connor’s steam engine was the closest thing left to Connor’s childhood. It represented who he used to be, back before the world had taken root and twisted him up. But his mom just wanted to remember so that she didn’t have to face him now. She didn’t want him now. So she didn’t deserve him then.
Evan’s colour was blue.
It was his favourite colour but that was probably because it was the only one he could see. He liked the blue of the mailman’s bag, the blue stripes of his t-shirts, the peeling blue sign for Ellison State Park.
His mother’s colour was purple, and he liked that too because sometimes if they got just the right shade, they could both see the same colour. There was a vase on the kitchen table, two frames in the living room, and a towel set in the bathroom. It was the strongest, most tangible connection he had to another person in the world.
But sometimes the blue could overwhelm him. When the sky was clear and it was all he could see for miles and miles. At first it would feel like possibility, endless and promising, but then his brain would take that thought and break it apart, reminding him how small he really was and how big the world could be. He still loved the sky. He still loved the blue. It just felt like it wasn’t meant for him.
And sometimes when he closed his eyes, he could still see the blue of a truck’s canopy. The blue of the air freshener that hung inside its cabin. The blue of his dad’s shoes that they could both now see but his mom still couldn’t. Evan hadn’t known it at the time, but there was a new woman out there who’d be able to see the blue, and his dad’s brown and every other colour she’d ever wanted to.
‘Evan, sweetie?’
Evan startled at the knock on his door, dropping the comb he’d been holding. His reflection watched it fall, the small tuft of untameable hair still poking up at the back of his head. He crouched down and carefully picked the comb up from the floor, wiping it on his khakis before replacing it on his desk. It hadn’t really been helping anyway.
His door clicked open and his mom appeared in the frame dressed for work. She smiled widely at him, but he wasn’t sure that it quite reached her eyes. Sometimes it did and that was nice.
‘I’m heading out now, I’ve got the morning shift. But I could give you a ride to school if you wanted?’
Evan could see the bags under her eyes, more pronounced than they had been the day before. Dark, unforgiving shadows. She hadn’t slept well. If she went straight to the hospital she’d probably have time for a coffee in the breakroom before clocking in. She didn’t keep coffee in the house because Evan couldn’t have it. It made him jittery and worked him up until he had to sit in the dark of the closet to calm down. He drank juice and hot chocolate out of his blue mug now.
‘No, that’s ok. I like the walk.’
His fingers found the hem of his shirt and tugged sharply once before running over the area to smooth out any creases. He did like the walk. He got to walk through the small park where the old ladies fed birds and the dog walkers ambled by. Sometimes there were a couple of children on the old tire swing and he felt better when he heard them laughing even if he always worried they were laughing at him. He didn’t like how sweaty the walk made him feel though. A bright grey sun had risen outside his window that morning and he knew that it was due to be a warm day. The car was air conditioned. If he walked he would have to make a break for the nearest bathroom as soon as he reached school to check he hadn’t sweated through his t-shirt.
‘Are you sure? It’s no trouble and I’ve got class tonight so I’m not going to be back until late.’
‘No, it’s alright. You go ahead I still have some t-things to do before I leave.’
He bit his lip and looked away worried she’d be able to tell he was lying.
‘Oh, ok. If you’re sure sweetie. I’ve got tomorrow off though. Do you want me to bring food home and we can watch that documentary you were talking about last week?’
Evan had already watched it, but he was pleased she remembered.
‘Y-yeah, sounds great. Thanks mom.’
She crossed the floor, reaching out for his shoulders slowly giving him time to move away if he wanted to. Her smile brightened when he didn’t, letting her hold him at arm’s length for a second before she drew him into a quick hug. He felt her lips brush his hair as she pulled away.
‘Today’s going to be a good day Evan.’ she said, meaning it.
‘I know.’ Evan said back, not meaning it at all.
‘I love you,’ she announced, grey eyes shining. His dad had said they were brown when Evan had asked. It was a family lunchtime a long time ago when family had meant more than just Evan and his mom. His dad had leant in to whisper to the pair of them conspiratorially that they were what had drawn him to Heidi in the first place. She’d blushed as he’d said it, holding Evan still on her lap. He’d reached over to brush the hair away from Evan’s forehead and told them that he had his mother’s eyes.
‘I-I love you too,’ Evan echoed, but this time he did truly mean it.
He settled on brushing his teeth again, listening for the sound of the front door closing and the car starting up before he shut the water off. Back in his room the alarm clock by his bed blinked as another minute passed by and with one last glance at the mirror, he picked up his bag and followed his mom out the door.
It wasn’t until he reached the gate to the park that he noticed the sign taped to it. It was laminated but the lamination was curling at the edges, whether from the heat or poor application Evan didn’t know. He stood in front of it for a long moment, tugging at the hem of his shirt, before realising he needed to read it.
PARK CLOSED FOR MAINTENANCE
Southfern Park will be closed for emergency maintenance for 2 weeks. It will officially reopen at 7am on Monday 28 th September. We apologise for any inconvenience.
FOR MORE INFORMATION PLEASE CONTACT THE TOWN HALL
Evan read the sign three times before a girl on a bike rode past and broke his concentration. His lip hurt and he realised he’d bitten it too hard. It wasn’t bleeding though so he just prodded at the indents with flat fingers while he considered his options. It probably wasn’t a big deal. Even turning down the ride to school he’d left with plenty of time and the detour would only add 10 minutes to the walk. But it wasn’t in his plan and to have his routine messed up already felt like far too stressful a sign for the first day back to school. Maybe it was the world’s way of telling him he should turn around and go home. That the day was a write off and that he could try again tomorrow.
But then he’d have to deal with his mom’s questions, and Jared would probably make some crude, mortifying joke about masturbating so hard he got stuck to the bed, and his teachers would be mad that he was already behind on his work and that would be even worse. Swallowing thickly he turned away from the park gate and went left instead, heading towards the significantly nicer part of town.
He didn’t come that way a lot. The town centre was the other way down the hill, and it wasn’t like he had any friends to visit, let alone ones who lived up sweeping driveways and manicured front lawns. The blacks and white and greys looked brighter, fresher somehow than they did in his neighbourhood and he wondered what colours they really were. Turning down another street Evan noticed how peaceful it was, the noise of the freeways almost imperceptible like he’d stepped into a bubble. Instead of wailing children and idling cards he could hear the gentle hum of a lawnmower, rising and falling as it was pushed across the grass. He ducked his head and watched out of the corner of his eye as one of the doors just ahead of him opened. A man stepped out, monochrome suit pressed neatly and hair perfectly set. In the doorway a woman stood, all skirts and smiles with a toddler on her hip. She leant forward to brush a kiss to the man’s cheek, saying something Evan couldn’t hear, but the man tilted his head back and laughed before reaching forward to ruffle the toddler’s hair. And even as his chest ached Evan thought that maybe this road was even better than the park.
A door slammed and the bubble popped.
On the other side of the road a black shadow spilled down the driveway. Evan paled as he recognised Connor Murphy, scowling and wrapped in the storm cloud he always carried with him. Ducking his head until his chin touched his chest, Evan hurried his pace hoping to go unnoticed. He couldn’t stop himself from glancing over though and his step faltered as he found Connor looking back at him.
He was still on his driveway, one hand buried in the pocket of his hoodie and the other holding a cigarette. Even as Evan watched, frozen and unable to look away, Connor’s mouth opened and a cloud of smoke billowed out, pausing to hang in the air before dissipating. Evan realised he'd stopped and was standing, just staring at Connor as the other boy stared back. His palms began to sweat. He wished he’d just kept walking but it was too late for that now. That would be weird. Which was probably fine because everyone knew Evan was weird. But it would also be rude, and Evan didn’t like to be rude.
Connor hadn’t moved. A small wisp of smoke curled up from the cigarette, forgotten as his eyes remained fixed on Evan. Tentatively, Evan raised a hand in greeting, remembering too late about his cast. When Connor still didn’t move Evan cleared his throat, trying to keep his voice steady.
‘H-hi’
He noticed his hand was still raised so he dropped it to his side, pulling at his hem again to calm himself down. Still Connor didn’t react and Evan could feel his breathing speed up. He thought of cartoon quicksand, of the fools who wandered into it only to realise slightly too late that they’d made a mistake. Quicksand was a slow, painful death. You had time to panic and cry and wonder what you could have done differently. Evan thought he knew exactly what a slow death by quicksand was like. He thought it was a lot like waving at Connor Murphy.
Then Connor let the cigarette drop from his hand, bringing his boot down to stamp it out violently. He kept eye contact with Evan as he did it, and Evan wondered if it was meant to be a threat. It was working regardless. And then Connor was in his car, bass slamming through the open window as he peeled out of the drive. He didn’t look at Evan when he passed him.