Chapter Text
Dan turns his keys in the door, the sound of an opening lock sounds deafening in the otherwise empty hallway. He hesitates, not wanting to open the door but knowing it’s inevitable. Last time he was here, standing outside of their apartment, his entire world had flipped. Now, it was about to flip again. Like the sides of a coin, there are only two ways it could go but he doesn’t know what one it will be.
Heads or tails.
Phil or no Phil.
It’s impossible to know what side the coin will land but he knows what outcome he wants.
The apartment is silent when he opens the door. There’s no sound of the TV, music, or even anyone walking about. It’s well past midday now, maybe Phil’s gone out? The thought of that sends fear throughout him, prickling his skin. What if Phil’s at Lee’s?
He walks up the stairs quietly, making sure each footstep is as light as possible. The silence feels so fragile he’s almost too afraid to break it. Even breathing feels like it’s too loud in here. It’s so quiet that a part of him wants to go to his room and hide, pretend that he’s not here and escape the inevitable. A big part of him wants to do that but he knows he can’t. Even if he is just home alone he can’t.
He turns into the living room, not expecting to find Phil but instead becoming frozen in his tracks.
There he is, curled up on the sofa with both earphones in watching something intently on his laptop.
The sight of Phil makes his heartache, just a little bit. Seeing him like that, so casual in their home has always made Dan smile and by the end of today, he may never get to see him like that again.
That thought’s scary but it’s the risk he has to take.
He must look ridiculous just standing there, gawking at Phil and he doesn’t go unnoticed. Phil looks over at him, eyes wide in shock as he takes his earphones out.
“Dan?”
He sounds nervous and Dan definitely wasn’t expecting that. He also wasn’t expecting the way he looks worried. Phil’s looking at him as if he’s a wounded animal, just like Cornelia had and that sends a sharp pain right into his heart. He never wanted Phil to be worried, no matter how shattered he feels.
Phil closes his laptop and sets it aside. For a moment he thinks that Phil’s getting up to come to him but he makes no move to get off the sofa. He just sits there, staring at him and Dan stares back. He doesn’t know what to do or where to begin. Should he talk? yell? Beg Phil to explain himself? Tell him it’s over for good? Ask if they even have a chance?
There are so many options spinning around inside his head while they remain frozen, just staring at each other. Dan’s too distracted by all the possibilities that he doesn’t even realise he’s walking until he feels the sofa beneath him and Phil’s face is so incredibly close to his.
Dan’s in Phil’s personal space now, body pressed against his and noses almost touching. Usually when they’re this close the air around them is so sexually charged but now that couldn’t be anywhere further from the truth.
Phil’s eyes are still wide and trained on him. Usually, Dan can never unravel what emotions lay behind those eyes but now sees all of them. Phil’s scared too, terrified, and he doesn’t know why but he wants to find out.
Dan’s vision blurs then, tears roll down his cheeks before he can even have the chance to hold them back. Seeing Phil scared doesn’t feel right. He’s always been the one to stay strong even during their darkest days. They’ve been through thick and thin together and never has he looked at Phil and seen fear.
Phil pulls him close and he burrows his head into the crook of Phil’s neck so his shirt can muffle the small sobs that spill from him. He feels a hand card through his curls before stroking the short hair at the nape of his neck. The action always soothes him, Phil knows that. Dan wraps an arm around Phil’s waist, pulling himself as close to Phil as he possibly can, not wanting even a millimetre of space between them.
He doesn’t know if he’ll ever feel Phil this closely again and even though his heart is aching, he doesn’t want to let Phil go so he doesn’t.
Dan doesn’t pull away until Phil’s shirt is soaked and his sobs are nothing but sniffles. He looks up to see that Phil’s eyes are wet too so he swipes the pad of his thumb on Phil’s cheek, wiping away the tears.
He’s done more than enough crying for the two of them in the last twelve hours alone. He doesn’t want to cry, or see Phil cry until all is said and done. Even then he doesn’t want to but their future is uncertain, tears resurface no matter what happens.
“Do you wanna go for a walk?” Phil asks no louder than a whisper.
Phil knows him too well. Even if they’ve been absolutely shit at communication over the last decade, he still knows that a walk does Dan a world of wonder, especially if a hard decision has to be made.
“Please,” He replies.
His hand lingers on Phil’s cheek, not wanting to let go, but Phil gets up, untangling himself from Dan.
Phil extends a hand to help him up.
“That’s Martyn’s shirt,” He states before adding quietly, “I was worried.”
It’s strange to think that Phil was worried. It doesn’t entirely make sense to him. Maybe it will after they walk when his head isn’t foggy from crying. Phil wasn’t worried for all those years when Dan was heartbroken every time he chose someone else so what changed?
He doesn’t go swap into fresh clothes before leaving their apartment. He doesn’t really want to let Phil out of his sight right now so he follows him down the stairs and out the door.
It’s sunny today, the sky a baby blue and devoid of clouds. It isn’t that warm though, despite the golden sun that hangs above their hands. Maybe he should have grabbed his coat before leaving but they’re already on the street and Dan would rather feel chilly than lose sight of Phil for a few moments.
They don’t walk in any particular direction because there is no end destination. They could walk around the park in circles if they really wanted to until the everything he wants to say can finally be said. Except today they don’t choose to do laps around the park. Instead, they turn up the street that’s full of people on the pavement and vehicles rushing down the road. Maybe the chaos around them might help calm his mind or maybe it will make it worse, not allow him to find the clarity he needs to face their future.
They walk for what feels like an hour, turning corners every now and again, sometimes pausing to look in shop windows or cross to the opposite side. All the while they don’t talk, not even a single word.
He catches Phil sneak a glance at him a few times and each one hammers another nail into his heart. He can feel the worry emanate from Phil and he can see the way his brows knit together just slightly, enough to make Dan know Phil’s thinking about him.
He’d let the silence stretch out for longer, he wouldn’t mind, but he spots something new that hadn’t existed the last time he walked down this street. It’s a little cafe, nothing more than a glorified hole in the wall, but the inside looks like it’s full of plants and a hipster's wet dream.
“There’s a new cafe open,” He says, pointing over to the hole in the wall.
“We should try it out sometime,” Phil replies. “I like all the plants.”
Dan smiles.
“We,” he says under his breath before adding a bit louder, “I’d like that.”
The fact that Phil just said we and said it in regards for the future glue a few pieces of his shattered heart back together. It’s so small, some could say trivial, but to him, it was so promising, far away than the lost cause of last night.
They turn a corner and Dan can feel that they’ve reached the midway part of their walk. Not just because they’re heading back in the direction they came but because of that little piece of shining hope that had sparked within that one little word.
Maybe, just maybe, he’ll get to hold Phil again.
The longer they walk the deep-rooted tension between them seems to dissipate. The fog that had taken hold of his head was starting to lift and he doesn’t know if it’s because of the fresh air, the mild exercise, or just being next to Phil.
“If I ask to hold your hand will you let me?”
Phil’s question comes as a surprise. He looks over at Phil, not entirely sure if he heard him right.
He did hear him correctly because Phil’s next to him, arm outstretched and waiting for him to take hold of his hand.
“Why do you want to do that?” He asks, voice coming out quieter than expected.
Instead of explaining, Phil just says, “Will you?”
He looks around, there are a few people in this street, most of them with their eyes glued to phones or not looking their way. Even still, it’s risky. Dan can count on one hand the number of times they’ve shown affection around other people.
“We might be seen.”
Phil shrugs, “Do you care?”
Does he? A big part of him is saying to not take it, to play it safe but another part of him yearns to grab hold of Phil. He wants any part of Phil he can get not just because of how their future’s uncertain but because little things like this give him a little bit of hope. It might mean something, it might not. There’s only one way to find out.
So he takes it, entwining their fingers together and relishing how good Phil’s hand feels in his.
Phil’s looking at him, a tiny smile pulling at his lips. It should make Dan feel all warm inside but despite all the hope that fills him right now, it still hurts.
Why hadn’t he done this sooner?
They remain hand in hand as they walk, not caring if they’re other people around them who might give them funny looks or recognise their faces. They’re so much risk in holding hands, not just from strangers but also themselves.
“I’m sorry for making you worried last night,” Dan says, leaning into Phil’s side.
It’s not a lie, he truly is sorry for the way last night played out. He knows he’s not the sole cause but it’s the least he can do. Even if he’s not sorry for his feelings, he’s sorry that it even had to happen in the first place.
“Don’t apologise,” Phil replies. “You don’t owe me an apology.”
“What happened after I left?”
Phil hesitates before replying, chewing at his bottom lip.
“I told Lee the truth and I don’t think I’ll be seeing much of him again.”
He smiles, “Good.”
“Good?”
“Yeah,” Dan says before slipping his hand out of Phil’s.
Knowing that Lee is one less hassle to worry about washes some relief over him. There’s still so much to sort out, answers to be discovered, but knowing that for once Phil told his partner the truth? That’s different. He’s never done that before.
“We have a lot to talk about,” Phil says after they walk in silence for a bit.
“I know,” He replies. They do have a lot to talk about. There’s so much he needs to hear but he’s not fully ready yet, not until they’re home. “For now can we just walk?”
Phil nods before replying quietly, “Anything for you.”
The rest of the walk is calming. Just having Phil beside him, no anger or pain between them, just comfortable silence with the one other person on this planet who he’s comfortable around despite everything.
He’s nervous about the conversation that is looming over them like a storm cloud because he knows it’s inescapable. Not that he wants to escape it, he just doesn’t want to know the outcome if it’s bad.
They’re close to their apartment when a question sneaks into his head that he cannot shake. It has been on his mind since Cornelia brought it up.
“Why did you kiss me?”
Phil stops in his tracks then.
“What time are you asking about?”
What time? That hurts a little bit, knowing that Phil’s aware that an action that shouldn’t hold all this weight is so pivotable between them.
“Last night,” Dan says. “I still don’t get it.”
“Can this wait until we’re home? It’s just around the corner,” Phil asks, sounding worried.
It’s one of many skeletons in their closet and he so desperately wants to know but Phil’s right, they’re close to home. It can wait for a few more minutes.
Phil turns his keys in the door and Dan hopes it’s the last time he has to stand in the hallway with unanswered questions running through his head.
They naturally end up in the kitchen because for some unknown reason Phil thinks that every important conversation must happen here. They planned their tour in this kitchen, planned the future of their careers, and now they’re here to see if their future is together or apart.
Phil gravitates to the kettle, pulls out two cups and the instant coffee crap he still insists on drinking.
Dan leans against the island. Now that they’re home with no distractions and the inevitable upon them, Dan takes the chance to try opening the can of worms again.
“You didn't answer my question.”
Phil doesn’t turn around, “I don't know how.”
“Try to. Please.”
He doesn’t reply straight away. Instead, he waits for the kettle to boil and makes both of them coffee before leaning on the island next to him.
“I’m not good with words. I couldn't say what I wanted to so I did the next best thing.”
How honest Phil sounds throws Dan off guard for a moment. He’s so used to Phil being aloof, impenetrable, and now Dan’s finally reached the moment when Phil’s guard is finally easing up.
“You can tell me now,” Dan says, reaching over to lace their fingers together.
He gives Phil’s hand a gentle squeeze, a sign that he’s okay with the truth. He might not actually be okay with it but for now, to hear Phil be as honest as possible, he needs to pretend that his honesty won't hurt.
“I’m still not very good with words. Or with feelings. I-” He stops before finishing the sentence.
Dan squeezes his hand again, reassuringly, “I need to know, Phil.”
“You already know,” He whispers.
“Do I?” He asks. “I need to hear it.”
There are so many different sentences jumping around his mind right now, so many scenarios are springing to life and either breaking his heart or mending it. He has no fucking clue what it could be, despite Phil being so sure he does. If he knew they wouldn’t be here right now.
“Why did you kiss me last night?” He asks again.
Phil looks at him and then their hands entwined together.
“I love you.”
“I love you too,” He says before he can even process what Phil said.
He’s processing it now though. Love? What the actual fuck? Out of all the possible scenarios that had been inside his head none of them had even come close to the three little words that he had been deprived of for so long.
Dan doesn’t know how to react, he doesn’t know if he can. He came home afraid that they had no future because Phil could never love him. But now? Now Phil’s sitting next to him saying he does.
He should be happy. Deep down he is. But on the surface, right here at2 this moment, he is frozen out of fear. It’s not the fear of losing Phil but instead, it’s the fear of what the fuck does this mean.
Phil must notice he’s frozen because he squeezes his hand gently and asks, “Are you okay?”
“Yeah,” Dan replies unconvincingly. “I guess I wasn’t expecting to ever hear you say that.”
“Didn’t expect to ever say it,” Phil shrugs.
Phil’s nonchalance is what makes reality hit him like a brick.
This is real. This is actually happening. Phil loves him and for some fucked up reason, he never thought to say it earlier. Tears well in his eyes. He presses his hands to his eyes in an effort to stop him from crying but it’s useless.
“We’re so screwed up,” He sighs
“Come here,” Phil pulls him into a hug and Dan doesn’t resist. He clings onto Phil, holding him as close as he physically can.
Now he’s scared for different reasons. Before it was because he could lose Phil but now it’s because of how fucked up all of this is. Now there are even more unanswered questions than before and he’s scared of what it all means. If Phil loves him then why were Lee and all his other partners a thing? Why weren’t they exclusive if the feelings were mutual? Of course, he already knows the answer to the latter. They may have had mutual feelings but they were both mutually dumb, unaware that the love is reciprocated.
Dan steps out of the embrace after what felt like forever. He can’t bring himself to look Phil in the eyes just yet. Instead, he grabs his coffee and takes a sip. It’s still way too hot and tastes like shit but he needs something to distract him even if it’s only for a moment.
Phil does the same, taking small sips from his mug as if he’s waiting for Dan to speak. For so long their dynamic had always been Phil taking the lead so it feels kinda strange to be one able to make the first move.
When his mug is drained of every last drop of acrid coffee, Dan asks, “Why did you date Lee if you felt like that?”
Same reason as your hookups. To forget,” Phil replies without hesitation.
To forget.
Bringing up his hookups almost feels like a slap in his face. It’s a big reminder that he’s not perfect either but he’s more interested in the second part.
“But why do you want to forget so badly?”
Dan did hookup to forget. Not to forget he was in love but because he wanted to forget that he’s nothing more than an easy fuck for Phil. He used to drown himself with dating apps and one night stands in an effort to forget.
He knows why he did it but he needs to know what part about all this mess that Phil wanted to forget about.
Phil contemplates his answer before replying, “I tried to forget because pretending to not love you was, in my opinion, better than the possibility of losing you.”
He reaches out to stroke Dan’s cheek and it sends a shiver down his spine. Phil cups his jaw, tilting his head up just enough that Dan has no choice but to look at him.
Phil’s eyes are wet and he looks afraid. He rests his thumb along Dan’s bottom lip and Dan kisses it lightly.
Phil continues, voice no louder than a breath, “It just took me until last night to realise that I could lose you no matter what.”
That breaks Dan. It truly breaks him. Not just because Phil’s hurting, but because it took him until the possibility of them ending to realise that they’re so much more than casual sex.
“How long?” Dan croaks out, trying not to cry again.
Phil narrows his brows, “What do you mean?”
“How long have you loved me?”
He watches something inside Phil break as he asks the question.
Phil’s caresses his cheek softly, “I don’t know if I should say.”
“Why?”
“Because the answer might hurt you. I’m sick of hurting you.”
“I think we’re past hurting, don’t you think?”
Phil stares at him for what feels like forever and his entire body is trembling with fear. He doesn’t know if he wants to know the answer but he needs to.
“That night, when we went to the abandoned hospital. Do you remember?”
He nods, “Could never forget.”
“You wore the hat. I loved that hat. And we laid in the snow and kissed until we were numb. I fell in love with you then, Dan.”
That was so long ago but it almost feels like another lifetime but that’s not even the part that rips open his heart. Phil’s loved him from the very beginning, all the way back when they were young and dumb. Phil was in love before Dan even realised that he might possibly be in love with Phil too.
Ten years. Ten whole fucking years of Phil loving him but Dan never knew and that breaks him. It feels like they wasted an entire decade and Dan knows they didn’t. The years haven’t always been bad but it fucking hurts to know that Phil’s been running away from love for a decade.
“Why did you never say anything?” Dan asks, reaching up to grab Phil’s hand from his jaw in favour of holding his hand.
“I was scared,” He whispers. “I am scared.”
Dan frowns, “Why are you scared? It’s just me.”
Phil let’s out a shaky breath, “The longer it went on the more I thought you were happy to just have benefits. When you hooked up at that uni party, it was the first time I’d seen you with someone else and I thought you didn’t want me. Why would you fuck anyone else if you wanted me?”
Dan doesn’t know how to reply. It was a lifetime ago that it happened but he can still remember the party and how he went from snogging Phil in a mate’s dorm to sucking a guy from the swim team behind a bush.
He had been so young and so jealous of all the couples that he needed to throw himself at the nearest fit dude to forget about whatever he and Phil had been.
“I’m sorry,” Dan whispers.
Phil smiles for a heartbeat, “And after that, as you know, we both kept sleeping with other people, going on dates, never finding that special someone. I always thought it was because you were too distracting. How could I find a partner when my best friend gave me everything? I let us ruin our lives for so long, Dan.”
He wasn’t going to let Phil take all the blame. As much as he wants to blame Phil after all the pain he’s put him through, Dan can’t let Phil blame only himself.
“It wasn’t just you. We both made the choice to stay like this”
“I know but I allowed myself to destroy you. As the years went on I realised that you might love me too but we were too far into this mess. I was always breaking your heart, making you think you’re nothing to me,” Phil begins to cry. “You’re not nothing. You’re my everything. It just took until I almost lost you to realise.”
“Phil…”
Dan surges forward to pull him into a tight hug, fighting back his own tears because it’s no use if the two of them are a crying mess.
“You wanna know why I’m scared?” Phil says into the crook of his neck.
“Why?”
“I want you, so much but I’m fucking terrified. You’re my best friend, my other half. I don’t know what life’s like without you and if we date, and then break up, I’ll lose my best friend forever.”
Dan knows that fear all too well. It’s what’s kept him in the painful cycle until now and it fucking stings to know Phil feels the same way too. The same fear has stopped them from being together all because they love each other too much to lose each other.
Even though the same fear haunts him, right now he needs to be stronger otherwise they’ll never shake it.
“Who’s to say we break up?”
Phil lifts his head up from Dan’s shoulder. He’s still crying and Dan just wants to kiss every tear away but he can’t. Not yet.
“Not every relationship lasts forever,” Phil says. “What if ours doesn’t?”
“And what if it does?” He counters, reaching up to swipe the pesky tears off Phil’s cheeks. “That’s what love is. Taking risks. I don’t know if we’ll be together forever and that’s fucking terrifying but I know that I love you. And I know that my love is strong enough that I’d rather spend our forever together instead of never knowing what that’s like.”
Phil frowns, “I wasted ten years.”
“You didn’t waste them,”
“I did. We could have spent them together.”
They could have. Their lives could have been wildly different but they didn’t and they have to live with that. Last night Cornelia reminded him that the past cannot be changed but they can change the future.
“We did spend them together,” Dan replies. “Not in a conventional way. Or in a healthy way. But we’ve been by each other's side for a pretty fucking long time. Maybe that was how we were meant to begin.”
“Do you believe that?” Phil asks, raising a brow as if he’s not convinced.
Dan shrugs. He doesn’t but right now he only cares for the future, “It’s what I’m telling myself.”
Phil hugs him again and they stay like that for a while, entwined together just happy to be in each other’s company. Dan’s heart still aches. Phil’s revelation might have put some of the broken shards of his heart back together but it’s still so fragile in a way that only time can fix.
There are still many unanswered questions, a lot of trust to be rebuilt, and lost time to catch up on but all of that would come. For now, he’s just thankful that when the sun sets tonight he’ll still have Phil in his life, the way it was always meant to be.
—
The rest of the sunlit hours slip by fast with the two of them curled up on the sofa watching a movie they’ve seen a dozen times before. They haven’t talked much since Phil opened up in the kitchen and even though they need to, Dan is thankful for the change of pace. There’s only so much crying and confessions he can take within the span of twenty-four hours until he feels like a phone on 1% battery.
When the end credits roll, Dan looks over at Phil. They’re sitting side by side underneath a fuzzy blanket and even though they’re not cuddling it feels intimate enough to ask what might be the second scariest question of his life.
“What do you say?”
“To what?”
“Being together.”
Phil turns his body to face him, “Do you think we can?”
He doesn’t know but he has hope. He’s always had hope.
“We can try. It might be hard at first but I have faith in us,” Dan squeezes Phil’s knee.
Phil smiles. It’s weak but it still counts.
“How can you trust me? After all I’ve done to you. How?”
He honestly doesn’t know how but he knows it won't come quickly. They’ve cheated on partners countless times, Phil’s broken his heart for years and made him cry more than any best friend ever should. There’s so much to work through, so many bad memories to replace with good ones but the love he feels whenever Phil’s near him is enough to stick around. He’s never felt love like it and he probably never will. That love lead him to nothing but pain for a decade but now it could become something so much greater than anything he ever hoped.
“I don't know,” Dan says. “I could be a big fucking fool trusting you and wanting a future. But if you’re willing to try, that’s all I need. We’ll work the rest out along the way.”
“You’re too good for me,” Phil says with disbelief.
Dan grins, “I’m well aware of that.”
—
They end up in Dan’s bed, exhausted even though it wasn’t particularly late. The curtains are pulled wide open allowing silver moonlight to pool in the room and illuminate the otherwise pitch black night.
Dan feels like he’s been hit by a truck and emotionally he has. He went from losing Phil to maybe not losing him to finding out he loves him to having Phil as his. The juxtaposition of emotions almost feels jarring. He went from heartbroken and alone to having the love of his life love him back. It reminds him of how important three words are and how not saying it earlier had led them to all this mess.
Phil’s looking at him and Dan’s looking right back. He doesn’t want to sleep just yet because he just wants to look at Phil. For so long he had been deprived of seeing Phil in his bed for a reason other than sex. It almost feels strange, having Phil so close to him not because of sex.
That’s going to take some getting used to, finding his feet in a relationship that’s more than just sex and terrible communication.
“If you could go back, to the very first time we met, would you change anything?” Phil whispers into the silent night.
Dan thinks about it for a moment, “Nope.”
Phil raises his brows, surprised by his response.
“I know, it’s surprising but I wouldn’t. I’ve enjoyed our life together besides all the heartbreak and cheating and regretful hookups. We’ve done some pretty cool stuff despite all the bullshit.”
“I’d change the night at the abandoned hospital,” Phil says. “I’d tell you I love you. Maybe write it in the snow like the complete dork I am and make you my boyfriend. As much as I have enjoyed the good things in this life, I’d want to experience a universe where I don’t break your heart.”
“Maybe a universe like that exists,” Dan whispers.
“If it does would you rather be there?”
Dan shakes his head, “I quite like this universe.”
“Good. Because I quite like your face,” Phil grins.
Before he can retort, Phil’s lips are on his and it’s almost overwhelming. It’s just a simple kiss, lips pressing against his gently but it holds so much importance that Dan’s heart can't help but stop for a moment. Unlike all the other kisses that had come before it, this kiss was something new. No emotions were hidden behind this kiss and when Phil goes to pull away, Dan quickly kisses him back because there’s way too much lost time to catch up on.
They kiss beneath the moonlight until Dan can’t anymore because he’s smiling like a fool.
“It feels weird to smile,” Dan says, “Just last night I was sobbing in your brother's house about how you’ve fucked me over and now look at us.”
“Feels weird doesn’t it,” Phil says, caressing Dan’s cheek.
“Good weird though.”
“Good weird.”
Dan pecks Phil’s lips, “You’re going to be the last person I ever kiss, I’m going to make sure of it.”
It’s a big promise but he wouldn’t be here, in bed with the man that’s played with his heart for so long if he wasn’t certain that Phil’s his forever.
Phil pecks him in return, “Same here. Only want you. No more hookups. No more dating. No one else.”
Dan likes the sound of that. He likes it a whole fucking lot.
Before he can get back to kissing Phil, another question pops into his mind.
“Do you think Kath will be surprised?”
Phil shrugs, “She thought we were together for years. If anything she’ll be relieved.”
“About you no longer sleeping around?”
‘No,” Phil chuckles. “About no longer having to find you a date. She was running out of single women on the Isle.”
He grins. There were only so many blind dates he could go on before it became excruciating, “God bless her. Should we tell her now?”
Phil hesitates, “Maybe wait.”
He pouts. Now that they’re together. Like together together he feels impatient, “I’ve waited ten years you twat!”
“Yeah, so what’s another few days?”
Dan props himself up on one arm and grins, “I’m going to officially become her favourite son that’s why your stalling.”
“You’ve been her favourite from day dot. Martyn and I have no chance while you’re around. Now come here I wanna kiss you,” Phil reaches out to pull Dan closer, bringing their mouths together.
He could kiss Phil forever, they have ten years of kisses to catch up on after all.
Phil’s lips feel so perfect on his as if they were made for each other. Maybe they were and that’s why, despite everything that’s happened, they’re still here loving each other.
If Dan from last night knew that right now he’d be in bed with Phil kissing him without any confusion, he doesn’t think that Dan would believe him. Last night he was so certain that Phil didn’t care, that he only used him when he needed a quick fix. Now he knows that Phil did all that because he loves him.
It doesn’t excuse the years they lost to heartbreak but those were questions for another day. It will be a long path ahead of them until everything feels normal but Dan’s determined to get there and he thinks Phil is too.
For now, he’s content to kiss Phil and push aside all the niggling fears that still run around inside his head. Tomorrows a new day and it will be the first where he’s waking up with Phil by his side, not because he fell asleep after sex but because he wants to be there.
“I’m never gonna get sick of kissing you,” Dan hums, trailing kisses from Phil’s cheek to his neck just because he can.
“Really?”
“Uh huh. It’s what I always looked forward to whenever we fucked. Getting to kiss those pretty lips.” Dan nips Phil’s bottom lip lightly just for emphasis.
Phil mirrors the action, pulling at Dan’s bottom lip slightly, just enough for him want to crave more.
If he wasn’t so tired, Dan would continue, spark the fire between them that has always been so strong. But he’s tired and tonight is not the night. Emotions are still too raw to fall back into old habits so quickly.
Instead of continuing, Dan pulls one last question from the abyss inside his head, Why did you never kiss me besides when you were horny?”
Phil frowns. He probably wasn’t expecting another meaningful question.
“I was afraid you’d realise I love you. Because I thought if you knew, I’d lose you as my best friend.”
“You still have me,” Dan whispers.
“But for how long?”
“As long as life allows.”
Phil presses their lips together, “I love you and I hope one day you’ll forgive me for all that’s happened.”
“Me too,” He replies, shuffling down the bed a bit so he can close his eyes and curl up alongside Phil.
There’s so much to forgive, so many blank spaces to fill and creases to iron out. He knows it won’t be easy but he has Phil by his side and no plan to let go of him any time soon. They may never be a perfect couple or even a conventional couple, but Phil is all he ever wants in life so he’s prepared to face it all.
Tomorrows a brand new day and the beginning of what could be a whole new, brighter chapter of their lives and as he drifts off to sleep, Dan whispers the only words that fill his finally tranquil mind, “I love you too.”