Chapter Text
Late summer, 1978
He rolled over for the hundredth time, the sheets sticking to his hot skin. He hadn’t felt right since the full moon. Maybe even since before then. He was sleeping only a few hours each night, and now it was almost four o’clock in the morning, and he hadn’t drifted off yet.
“Can’t sleep?” Sirius rolled over too.
“No.” Remus sighed, sitting up. “Sorry. I should go in the other room.”
“Please don’t.” Sirius said, rubbing his eyes, “It's fine, I’m up too now, I’ll keep you company.”
“I’m really not in the mood to talk.”
“That’s ok. I can talk, I’m always in the mood to talk.”
Remus smiled, though he didn’t want to. Bloody Black.
“Go on, then.” He murmured, lying back down slowly. His back hurt from the last full moon, and he’d rubbed some of Marlene’s ointment on there before bed, but it was wearing off already. Sirius rolled over onto his side, stretching an arm over Remus’s body and talking sleepily into his ear.
“I can’t wait for tomorrow,” he murmured, “I can’t wait for you to see the flat finally. I never had anywhere that was just mine before.”
“Me neither.” Remus replied, eyes closing.
Sirius had bought the flat the week before, while Remus was recovering from the full moon. It had been - of course - an impulse buy, but Remus thought that was ok, really - he had too much on his mind to be much help, and it was Sirius’s money, after all.
It was in London, and a muggle neighbourhood too. After the Potters’ initial surprise at the boys’ decision, Fleamont had insisted on ensuring that all of the standard security charms and alarms were in place before they were allowed to move in, so Remus hadn’t even seen it yet.
“Tell me what it’s like.” Remus said, turning into Sirius’s body, curling up. He didn’t make himself small very often - after all he was bigger than Sirius, and it seemed silly. But just now, sleep deprived and filled with anxiety, it felt nice to bury his face in Sirius’s night shirt.
“It’s small,” Sirius said, resting his chin on top of Remus’s head, “Just one bedroom, one bathroom, one kitchen.”
“Sounds massive.” Remus replied. He meant it. He’d never imagined living somewhere like that, not in a million years.
“We can have it however we want; furniture, wallpaper, anything.”
“I’ll leave the interior design up to you.”
“Fine. You can build the bookcases.”
“Bookcases?” Remus raised his head. He hadn’t thought of that.
“Yep, bookcases,” Sirius replied, a smile in his voice, “Space for the record collection too, obviously. And there are some garages nearby I might be able to rent…”
“We’re getting a car?!” Remus was a bit alarmed by this; he’d only just agreed to keep James’s old broom for travel on Order related business, he really didn’t fancy learning to drive too.
“Not a car…” Sirius said, evasively, “But I was just thinking… I mean, it would be really useful to have another means of transport.”
“There’s the tube.” Remus said, “Buses. London is actually sort of famous for them, y’know.”
“Yeah…”
“Have you already bought it?” Remus pulled away to see Sirius’s face.
“Er... “
“Sirius!”
“What?!” Sirius was grinning mischievously, “It’s an early birthday present to myself.”
“Your birthday isn’t for months!”
“Housewarming, then. I’ll get you something too!”
“Honestly,” Remus laughed, wrapping his arms around Sirius again, “You’re a liability. Spoilt brat.”
“Care home oik.” Sirius replied, laughing, his voice muffled by Remus’s shoulder.
They lay still and quiet for a little while, just like that. Remus relaxed a bit, but he still wasn’t going to sleep. It would be light, soon, surely. Every now and then he thought he could hear a bird singing in the garden. Wouldn’t get that in London. Just rattling milk floats and bin lorries and buses hissing and maybe the odd pidgeon. He couldn’t wait.
He held Sirius a little tighter. They’d been hugging a lot, lately. Contact seemed vital; it reminded Remus he was human.
“Everything ok?” Sirius asked, quietly.
“Fine. Just can’t sleep.”
“Still not in the mood to talk about it?”
“No.”
“Ok.” Sirius sighed a little. Then he moved his head against Remus’s shoulder, turning to kiss the softest part of his neck. Sirius’s hand slid down to Remus’s hip, slowly. “In the mood for anything else?”
* * *
Remus had sort of expected to see his new flat for the first time alone with Sirius. How foolish of him; he had forgotten that even outside of Hogwarts Sirius and James came as a pair. And wherever James went, Peter and Lily typically went. So it ended up being the five of them catching the train into London the next morning.
Sirius was buzzing with excitement, unable to sit still the whole way. He bounced about the carriage, ran down the escalators at Waterloo, and hopped from foot to foot on the underground platform. They were all in muggle clothes, and he was wearing his leather jacket, black jeans and combat boots. Remus liked to focus on these details, because if they were muggles then they weren’t at war today.
The flat was off Leicester Square, in Chinatown. It was a seedy part of town, but that didn’t both Remus, nor did it seem of any concern to Sirius. It was crowded and noisy, the smell of chinese food and cigarettes and open drains permeating the air. The phone boxes were plastered with adverts for escorts, and they passed at least two peep show cinemas.
“I love London.” Remus smiled to himself. Sirius flashed him a grin.
They entered their building through a door in the back alley of an off-licence, filing in one by one, Peter loudly remarking on how small everything seemed, and how strange muggles were. Then up a short flight of stairs where they reached a concrete landing, with a bright yellow front door. Number 9.
“Home!” Sirius said, as he jammed the key into the lock, beaming at them all.
It was small. It was mundane, plainly furnished. It was basic. It was absolutely perfect.
They stepped directly into the living room, which was very modern, with no entrance hall. There was a doorway to the left leading through to the kitchen, which was sunny and bright, a little window over the gleaming metal sink. Lily made a beeline for the fridge - she’d very sweetly brought a bottle of sparkling white wine to celebrate with.
Remus went back into the living room, and down a hallway where there were two doors - one was the bathroom - sixties green tile with pink porcelain fittings - the other was a bedroom. Two suitcases - the clothes they’d packed up and sent ahead - sat side by side by the wardrobe. The bed was there already, neatly made with a maroon blanket and throw. Not a four poster; no secretive dark hangings. Just a perfectly ordinary bed for two.
“Well?” Sirius asked, anxiously, entering the room behind him. “I know it’s really muggle-ish, but I didn’t want to go overboard on the money… and it’s much easier to protect, Monty even had Moody advising on some of the shield enchantments…”
“It’s… great.” Remus nodded. He was so happy. He just smiled, staring around. “It’s…” there weren’t words.
Luckily, Sirius was smiling too, watching him.
“I always know it’s good when you don’t have something sarcastic to say,” he winked, “Come on, you barely looked at the living room!”
Remus followed him back through. Lily was pouring out tumblrs of sparkling white wine (“We should have got you proper wine glasses as a present!”), and they all toasted, cheering loudly.
“Mate, you’ve got to show me how that eclectic oven thing works,” James said, wide eyed, “And the radar-eater.”
“ Radiator .” Lily rolled her eyes, “Honestly, how did you get an Acceptable in Muggle Studies?!”
Peter was looking at the small brick fireplace, which was very out of place in the contemporary living room with its cream carpet and plastic venetian blinds.
“Are you on the floo network, then?” he asked.
“Yep,” Sirius nodded. “For Order stuff, obviously. And you lot. Moody’s made it untraceable. The whole flat is unplottable, too.”
Remus couldn’t help feeling a bit put out by the fireplace. Even if it was essential, he didn’t like the idea that members of the order had access to their flat at any time of day or night. The thought of Alastor Moody’s head appearing in their living room made him shudder. Sirius, still watching Remus’s face carefully gave him a nudge,
“I got something else, too,” he gestured to the couch.
They all turned to look.
“You’ve got a telly-phone!” James suddenly yelled, almost spilling his drink in excitement as he pointed at the device sitting on an end table by the sofa.
“Calm down!” Lily chastised.
“A phone!” Remus stared at it, amazed. “Is it connected?”
“Yep,” Sirius nodded, proudly, “Just pick it up and dial - so I don’t have to hang about outside phone boxes any more--”
He was cut off, because Remus had practically knocked him over, throwing his arms around Sirius, and then - because after all, they were in their own home now, took his head in his hands and kissed him long and hard.
Lily and James cheered again, Peter downed his drink and went to pour some more.
* * *
“Do I look ok?” Sirius was peering at himself in the bathroom mirror. He kept buttoning and unbuttoning his shirt. “Should I wear a tie?”
“No,” Remus laughed, standing behind him, pulling on a plain grey t-shirt over his damp hair. “Stop fussing, you look fine.”
“Just fine?!”
“Sorry.” Remus replied, deadpan, “You look incredible.”
“Thank you.” Sirius smiled smugly at him through the mirror. “I just don’t want to let you down, I’ve never met anyone’s mum before.”
“What about Mrs Potter?”
“The Potters’ don’t count, they’re like my own parents, I don’t need to impress them.”
“You’ll be standing next to me,” Remus shrugged on a cardigan to cover his arms, “She’ll be impressed.”
“Don’t do that,” Sirius tutted, “I bet she thinks the sun shines out of your arse.”
“Are you ready?”
“As I’ll ever be.”
They left the bathroom, making their way out of the flat. They had only been moved in for a week and a half, and there were still boxes everywhere, but it already felt like home to Remus. He loved the jangle of keys in his pocket; the sensation of closing the front door on the world; having a place to be himself completely. The cramped soho flat was nothing like as grand as Hogwarts, but already Remus liked it better than anywhere else he had ever lived.
(Grant had put it best - Remus phoned him as soon as he had the chance - “A fixed address, eh? Blimey, we have moved up in the world.”)
They apparated from the landing outside, which had become a habit; it was secluded enough that no one would see them. In mere moments they found themselves on a quiet residential road in Cardiff, where it was - of course - just starting to rain.
“Sorry, should’ve warned you,” Remus laughed as Sirius yelped and scrambled to yank up his shirt to protect his hair, “Welsh summers aren’t much better than Scottish ones.”
They made the short walk to the hospital quickly, and Remus led Sirius to Sparrow ward with much more confidence than that first time he’d met Hope. He smiled and gave a little wave to the nurse on duty, before walking to the end of the ward to see his mother.
The curtain was drawn halfway across, so he peered around it first, to check if she was asleep. But no, she was sitting up in bed, flicking through a fashion magazine. He cleared his throat and she looked up. A huge smile spread across her thin face, showing every pearly tooth,
“Remus!”
“Hi,” he said, ducking his head shyly and walking around to greet her.
He kissed her lightly on the cheek. He’d done that three times now, having graduated up from her kissing his hand. Progress was slow, but every milestone felt enormous.
“I was hoping you’d come today!” She beamed, clutching his hand and looking him over as he folded himself into the orange plastic chair by her bed.
“Sorry it’s been so long,” he apologised, “I finished school, and then I moved… um. I’ve brought someone to meet you,” he glanced up at Sirius, still standing just behind the curtain, looking at Hope nervously. “Mum,” (second time he’d ever said that to her face), “This is Sirius Black.”
Sirius came around and stood at the end of the bed, hands in front of him. He looked like he was trying very hard not to fidget.
“Pleased to meet you, Ms Lupin,” he said, politely.
She didn’t correct him on the name, only smiled benignly back at him,
“Hello, Sirius. Are you a friend of Remus’s from school?”
“That’s right,” he nodded.
“Sirius and I live together, in London.” Remus said, testing the water. He watched her face, but she was inscrutable. She could be an auror, no problem.
“Doesn’t that sound like fun,” she said, glassy eyed, “Your dad used to take me for trips to London, I loved a go on the double deckers.”
Ah. She was in the mood to talk about Lyall. These were far from Remus’s favourite visits, but he let her talk, because it seemed to make her happy. She started on a long and rambling story about all the times Lyall had taken her to London, where they’d seen all the sights, and then all of the various other places he had taken her - Edinburgh and Blackpool and Aberystwyth. Remus tried not to listen too hard. He didn’t want to start wondering whether Lyall would have taken them both to these places, if things had been different.
Eventually, with Hope showing no sign of stopping, Remus gestured for Sirius to take a seat, and he dragged one over from the next bed, which was empty. As he settled in, Remus noticed the suitcase at the foot of the bed. It wasn’t usually there. Was she finally allowed to go home?
“...and I had my first ever curry in a little restaurant in Wembley…” she was saying now.
“We’re in Chinatown,” Remus said.
“Lovely.” She smiled, though she clearly had no idea where that was. She was growing increasingly childlike, he thought, must be the medication they had her on. It ought to have been annoying, but it actually helped him empathise with her. “And you’ll have your exam results soon, will you?”
“We’ve had them,” Remus replied, “I passed everything.”
“He came top in the school in three subjects,” Sirius said, out of the blue. “History, Care of Magical Creatures and Arithmancy - and top marks in everything else!”
Remus blushed. That wasn’t strictly true. Ok, he’d earned ‘Outstanding’ in most subjects, but he’d only got an ‘Exceeds Expectations’ in Transfiguration.
“That’s my clever boy,” she grinned dozily, “Just like his dad.”
“Are you going somewhere, mum?” Remus asked, still bothered by the suitcase.
“Oh yes,” she nodded, resting her head back against the pile of pillows propping her up, “Yes, I’m off to the hospice tomorrow.”
Remus’s insides turned ice cold. His throat went dry. No , he thought, no, I need more time .
“Tomorrow?” He choked. She squeezed his hand again, her eyes sharpening,
“I’m ready, love. It’s time.”
“But…” he didn’t know what to say. He thought he might cry, but he didn’t want to upset her.
Sirius looked confused. He didn’t know what it meant.
“I’m making sure everything’s in order,” Hope said, matter-of-factly, suddenly sounding much more mature than usual, “If you leave me your address, I’ll make sure everything ends up where it ought to. And of course the funeral - I’ve told Gethin you’re to be notified as soon as possible, and that you’re sat at the front. Don’t let them put you at the back like some poor relation. You’re my son, and I’ve no shame at all, understand?”
“Mum, please…” Remus looked away, shocked by how distraught he felt. “I’m not… just not yet, ok?”
Her face softened. She sighed,
“All right, my darling. I’m sorry.”
Who the fuck is Gethin?! He wanted to shout. How many surprises are waiting for me, after you’re gone? He’d known this was coming, but it was still the worst news of his life. He couldn’t shake the sense of betrayal. They’d only just found each other.
Sirius grew uncomfortable in the silence that followed. He didn’t understand Hope and Remus’s shared inability to say the important things; Sirius could never see why everyone didn’t just say what they felt as soon as they felt it. But he respected their privacy, and got up,
“I’m going to get a cup of tea, Remus,” he said, gently, “Would you like one?”
Remus nodded,
“Canteen’s down the hall,” he said, staring at the floor, still holding Hope’s hand. “I’ll meet you there, in a minute.”
“Can I get you anything, Ms. Lupin?”
She shook her head,
“No thank you, dear. It was lovely to meet you.”
He inclined his head, gallantly, smiling politely - god, he could be charming in even the most desperate situations - then quickly left.
Remus let go of Hope’s hand, and buried his face in his palms. Fuck . Couldn’t he just enjoy something for five minutes without a tragedy?
“He’s a very nice young man.” Hope said, brightly
“Yeah,” Remus replied, huffing a joyless laugh, rubbing the back of his head, nervously.
“I can see why you like him.” She prompted.
She wanted the unpleasantness over, clearly. Perhaps she wanted to go back to talking about Lyall. Well, he wasn’t going to let her. She wasn’t the only one who could drop bombshells.
He looked at her, trying to meet her eye.
“Look, there’s something I really feel like I ought to explain, er. About Sirius. About Sirius and me.”
Hope closed her eyes with a soft smile and gently shook her head,
“It’s all right, cariad ,” she took his hand and patted it, “I knew the moment I saw the two of you.”
“You… really?” Remus stared at her. He’d never talked about this with anyone older than himself before.
“I’ve had a feeling for a while. I won’t pretend it makes no difference at all,” she replied, choosing her words carefully, “But it doesn’t change who you are, my darling boy.”
She reached for his hand again and he held it. She stroked his knuckles softly with her thumb.
“You love him, don’t you?”
“I…” Remus felt the familiar panic rising at the sound of that word, but as it was just the two of them, and he felt he owed it to her to be honest, he nodded. “Yes.”
“And he loves you.”
“I think so. Yes, he does.”
“That’s all I need to know, then.” She smiled again. She let out a great sigh, “Love. It’s the only thing you get to take with you, you know.”