Chapter Text
Even the insatiable Love-Cook admitted after the second round that he couldn’t possible do a third despite how much he wanted to.
“My legs feel like jelly—I don’t think my legs have ever felt like actual jelly…you might have to carry me, Marimo.”
“Like hell, I’ll be lucky if I can make it back to the ship on my own.”
“Just leave me here and come wake me up when we’re setting sail—I need to sleep for the next eight hours.”
“We’ll be gone by then, Cook, but I can stay here, and we can just fuck on this giant coral for the rest of eternity,” Zoro joked though he secretly thought it didn’t sound like a bad way to spend the rest of his life.
“And give up on all our dreams? What kind of sex-crazed idiot would suggest something like that?” he fired back with a bright grin.
“One who you’ve clearly corrupted beyond repair,” the swordsman said mournfully. “I can’t believe you’ve done this to me.”
“Hey, what the hell did I do?”
“You tempted me from the very beginning. I was wrong before when I said you were in the devil’s claws—you are the devil, Cook.”
“Well, if this is hell then I don’t wanna be right.”
“Come on, we’ve gotta go back eventually. Let’s clean up and get through the walk of shame—we don’t have any time to go fishing for mollusks, so the crew will know something’s up when we go back with an empty bag of dishes.”
“Just say we got into a fight,” Sanji suggested with a hearty laugh.
“We agreed to tell them the truth, remember? I’m gonna say that we went on a date and got carried away.”
Sanji rolled on top of him and planted a big, wet kiss on his smiling mouth.
“I love you,” he crooned happily.
“…love you, too.”
*
“That’s a really funny joke and all, Zoro, but Sanji will get pissed if you say that in front of him,” Usopp warned the swordsman with blatant confusion.
He was the first one who returned from their fishing trip to drop off the haul while the others finished their various activities inside the Sunny and on the nearby coast. When he asked if Sanji and him found anything good during the dive, Zoro told him the truth (minus the dirty details, of course).
“It’s not a joke,” the cook announced as he came out of the galley, having overheard them talking on the deck. “We really did go on a date.”
“You’re in on this, too, Sanji?! I’m surprised—you guys aren’t very good liars...I should know, haha.”
“You calling me a liar, Long-nose?!”
“N-no, I would never!” Usopp squeaked. “I mean…but…of course it’s a joke, right?”
“It’s not—how many times do we have to tell you, bastard?”
“We’re actually together, so if you talk shit about it, I’ll cut you up and he’ll cook you,” Zoro explained calmly.
“Team effort—I like it,” Sanji said, giving the swordsman a cheeky high-five and then looking the startled sharpshooter over like he was assessing various cuts of meat in a supermarket. “How do you feel about Usopp-jerky?”
“Mmm…I love jerky.”
“TH-THIS ISN’T FUNNY ANYMORE!” Usopp shouted, waving his hands in the air and running around as he tried to avoid the cook’s terrifying perusal.
When Sanji lifted a threatening foot, the sharpshooter swallowed nervously and backtracked.
“Not a joke…r-right. Okay-bye-I’ve-gotta-go-back-before-Luffy-scares-away-the-rest-of-the-fish-have-a-good-evening-see-you-bye!” he said in a rush, scrambling overboard and dashing off along the coast to rejoin their captain and Chopper at their fishing spot.
“That was a really strange joke, Sanji-kun…” Nami said suddenly as she exited her map room with Jinbe in tow.
“Ah, my lovely mellorine! How happy I am to see your face! Are you guys hungry? I can make you a snack right away—I’m sorry I couldn’t prepare dinner, but as you heard, we were a little busy,” Sanji told her with an elaborate twirl.
“Not a joke,” Zoro reiterated from his side, pulling the cook closer by his waistband so that he could drop a quick kiss on his cheek.
“Not in front of the beautiful lady, Idiot-marimo! It’s rude!”
“Wha—?!!” Nami looked between them, flabbergasted. “What the hell?! You’re actually serious? The two of you?!” she screeched when she realized that there was no way they would go that far for a prank.
“Congratulations,” Jinbe said formally, offering a polite bow. “It seems like a good match.”
“You’re only saying that because you haven’t spent enough time with them!” Nami remarked, pink in the cheeks. “I can’t believe this—it’s insane!”
“It’s the truth, and he’s mine, witch,” Zoro told her possessively, holding Sanji tighter against his side.
The cook kicked him in the shin and snapped, “Don’t call Nami-san names! I still belong to the ladies—the ladies—so don’t be staking your claim like I’m a trophy you won!”
“Ow—how do you still have energy to land a blow that hard after—?”
“AND DON’T TALK ABOUT THAT IN FRONT OF ANYONE, ASSHOLE—IT’S PRIVATE!”
“Robiiiin! You were riiight!” Nami shouted wildly until their archeologist suddenly appeared like Batman in the night.
“I’m almost always right,” she said cockily from the shadow of the mast—how long she had been standing there, no one could know, “and I sensed that this might happen since the day I came aboard.”
“Bullshit, we didn’t even know!” Zoro fired back.
“Love is a complicated game…and you know how much I like playing games,” Robin told him serenely.
“You just like spying on people,” Zoro accused,
“Well, that’s certainly true as well,” she admitted with a girly laugh. “I’m happy for you both.”
“Y-yeah…thanks,” he said in fear of receiving another kick from the cook for being rude to the nosy woman after she gave them her blessing and helped keep their equally nosy crewmates in line.
“Coffee, Robin-chan?” the cook offered with another twirl.
“Yes, please. Thank you, Sanji.”
“Where’s Franky? He’s missing all the drama,” he asked her.
“Oh, he’s tinkering away below deck as usual…I already informed him. I hope you don’t mind.”
“Not at all, my sweet! I would never question you.”
“Jeez, give it a rest, Cook. You’re gonna make me jealous.”
“I’m gonna make you into a mince-pie in a minute, Marimo!”
“Yo ho ho ho ho ho!” Brook’s laugh echoed from the direction of the crow’s nest.
“I guess that perverted skeleton is on watch—OI, BROOK?!” Zoro called up. “YOU GOT SOMETHING TO SAY?!”
The white bones of his face shone in the moonlight when he peeked his head out of the window and offered a polite wave.
“Not at all, Zoro! I hope you two enjoyed boning—just keep the volume to a minimum if you do it on the ship because my hearing is quite good! Although—”
“YOU DON’T HAVE EARS—WE GET IT!” Sanji screamed, viciously throwing one of his shoes in Brook’s direction which landed directly in the middle of his skeletal face with a loud thunk.
“Sorry, Sanjiiiiiii!” he said in singsong as he fell from the window and crashed onto the deck unconscious.
“Whew! You really got some good distance on that throw, bro!” Franky piped in as he wandered onto the deck, too. “Suuuuper shot!” he added as he made one of his signature silly poses.
“HEEEEEEEEY!” Luffy shouted over the sound of the cyborgs congratulatory singing. “SAAAANJIII! ZOROOO?! DID YOU DO AN AWESOME PRANK ON USOPP WITHOUT ME?! YOU GUYS ARE SO MEAN!”
“STOP YELLING, LUFFY! IT WASN’T A JOKE! THAT SHITTY LONG-NOSE IS LYING!”
“BUT YOU’RE ALSO YELLING! I’M THE CAPTAIN, SO I CAN YELL AS MUCH AS I WA—”
He was cut off by a solid blow to the face from the heel of the Straw Hat cook's remaining shoe.
“So annoying—I’m too tired to deal with this, so I’ll make you a snack if you shut the hell up!”
Luffy looked at him with an upside-down grin, legs sprawling after smashing into the ship’s railing and cracking one of the posts.
“Awww man! I just fixed three of those before we docked! Reign it in a little, bros!” Franky complained with a sigh.
The last two crewmembers finally caught up to their rambunctious captain, running onto the scene with panicked expressions as they caught ear of the loud noises.
“Is anyone hurt?!!” Chopper exclaimed, looking at each of them in turn before noticing the footprint that hadn’t yet bounced back on Luffy’s rubber face. “I told you not to bother Sanji—Usopp was making it all up, weren’t you, Usopp?”
“I…uh…I guess it wasn’t a joke,” the long-nose said, eyes widening when he noticed the swordsman’s arm snaking back around their cook’s waist.
“You and Zoro are dating?! For real?!” Chopper asked excitedly, clapping his hands when they nodded proudly. “Oh my God, that’s—that’s great! I love romance, and if you two are getting along then less stuff will get broken and there won’t be as many injuries!”
“I’ll make you something sweet and heart-shaped to celebrate,” Sanji told him, leaving the circle of Zoro’s arm to give their little doctor a cuddle, “but you can only have one—it’s getting late, and you shouldn’t be having sugar before bed. I’ll allow it this time since it’s a special occasion.”
“Was it your first date?!” Chopper asked him with sparkles in his eyes.
“You bet! We had a picnic,” Sanji told him as he carried their furry friend into the galley.
“Oh, wow—I hope I can come next time!”
“I’ll get the biggest picnic blanket in the world, and we can all have a feast together—how does that sound?”
“Perfect! Thanks, Sanji, you’re the best!” Chopper told him happily.
“Um…Zoro?” Nami said nervously, still shell-shocked by the idea of the cook and swordsman together in a real relationship. “How the hell did this happen?!”
“What’s it to you? You got a problem or somethin’?” he asked her menacingly.
She stamped her foot and put her fists on her hips with an angry pout.
“Of course not! I’m happy if you’re happy, but I’m a little worried…I mean, if it’s you guys then what if—what if one of you gets hurt?”
“We get hurt all the time. It’s not going to distract us from our duties on the crew, I promise.”
“No, I meant if you split up. Someone’s heart could get broken, and we’re all living on the same ship—it would be so awkward, wouldn’t it?”
“We’re not going to break up,” Zoro told her confidently. “We’ve been putting up with each other’s bullshit for ages, so I know we can get through anything. Don’t you believe in our strength?”
Nami gave him an unexpectedly warm smile, relieved to see his conviction.
“If Luffy is the head of this crew then I guess you and Sanji are the heart and soul. I’m glad you were able to find love underneath all that animosity.”
“D-don’t get all sappy on me, witch,” he told her with a furious blush.
The galley door slammed open as Sanji popped his head out and launched his second shoe, clipping the swordsman painfully on the forehead.
“DON’T CALL NAMI A WITCH—I’LL KILL YOU!” he yelled viciously, barefoot and steaming.
“THAT HURT, CURLY-BROW!”
“WHY DON’T YOU COME IN HERE AND CALL ME THAT AGAIN?! CHOPPER WANTS SOME MINCE-PIE WITH HIS DESSERT, FUCKER!”
“MAYBE I WILL, SHIT-COOK! YOU CAN’T BEAT ME, AND WE BOTH KNOW IT!” Zoro shouted back, stomping over to take the other man up on his challenge and slamming the door behind them.
As the ruckus ensued behind closed doors, and Chopper could be heard squealing for them to stop fighting over the sound of clashing limbs and wood snapping, Nami shook her head with an exasperated sigh.
Franky mirrored her expression and muttered, “I’ll go get my tools,” while Usopp hid behind the mast and Luffy, Robin, Jinbe, and Brook all laughed in amusement.
“I guess Chopper was wrong,” Nami lamented. “They might even be worse than before!”
“Shishishishi! It’s Zoro and Sanji, after all,” Luffy told her as if stating who they were somehow explained everything (which it sort of did). “I hope they have a wedding. I want to eat a giant wedding cake—bigger than the one on Whole Cake! No, wait, even bigger than Whole Cake itself—AN ISLAND SIZED CAKE!!!!!”
Robin laughed prettily behind her hand, smiling fondly at their captain as he started dancing with Usopp, singing, “WEDDING CAKE! WEDDING CAKE! WEDDING CAKE!”
“This certainly is a wonderful crew…” she said to herself. “I’m so glad I joined.”
The End.
<3