Archive of Our Own

Born in the ’90s, Hongjoong never really got on the TikTok train during the COVID-19 pandemic and never downloaded the app. 

As a small business owner, he knows he should keep up with social media, but fortunately, his business is now successful enough to have a young, competent marketing team. 

He is hardly involved in this part of the process, so he doesn’t understand why Yunho is sending him a video of a man he doesn’t know talking about sex toys.

Why isn’t this guy on our payroll?

Hongjoong has just finished making dinner, and he lazily opens the video while standing in the middle of the kitchen. He spends three minutes watching Park Seonghwa review the construction of an anal plug , and when the video ends, he stares at his own reflection on the black screen of his phone. 

He doesn’t know how to respond to Yunho, so he sends a laughing emoji, drops his phone on the kitchen counter, and goes to eat dinner. 

-

It’s not surprising that Hongjoong’s target audience is women.

Women are the ones who buy the most sex toys, which is great, because they generally look for quality products and don’t mind paying more. The company also has partnerships with some very influential and well-known figures. 

But they also have a small portion of products aimed at men, and Yunho from Marketing brings it up again when they have lunch together a week later. 

“And I messaged Seonghwa about what we talked about,” he says, after complaining about Mingi spilling wine on the couch and complaining about the taste of the kimchi because apparently it hadn’t fermented for long enough. Hongjoong must look very confused, because he adds, “The TikTok guy?” 

“The TikTok guy,” Hongjoong repeats flatly. He has no idea who he’s talking about. “Is this about work?”

Yunho chews on the paper straw in his already-empty cup and gives Hongjoong a look that says it all without him having to explain anything. Hongjoong tries to pretend he’s interested, raising an eyebrow to encourage him to continue. 

“The guy is good,” Yunho says. “I sent you the video.”

“Oh.”

Hongjoong pokes around the bland salad on his plate, looking for another piece of chicken or bacon, but comes up empty. He thinks about the video he watched last week, but can barely remember it. He remembers Park Seonghwa’s face, but not much else. “The anal plug expert, right?”

“He does a really good job.” Yunho looks at Hongjoong over his glasses, making no effort to hide his disappointment. “And the videos have great reach.”

“Okay, and?”

He’s never really understood how social media engagement works, and he doesn’t care much about it. Hongjoong is, in many ways, somewhat removed from the internet—he talks to his friends on KakaoTalk, but aside from that, the only apps he uses are Spotify and YouTube, and he rarely updates Instagram. “Like, you know you’re free to hire whoever you want. You don’t need to ask for my opinion.”

“You could at least look a little excited.”

“It goes against my principles to get excited about anything work-related when I’m off the clock,” Hongjoong replies as casually as possible. 

Yunho doesn’t look very convinced, but he nods and starts complaining about the restaurant’s tomato sauce not being homemade and how he’s avoiding ultra-processed foods now.

 Just like that, the subject of the TikTok guy dies. 

-

Hongjoong mainly handles the company’s finances. He has a degree in the field, and he thinks he’s good at it. Since its first year in business, ATEEZ has never ended a year at a loss. In fact, they’ve been turning a healthy profit despite being a small company with few employees. 

He doesn’t ask for much. He managed to get a good apartment, small but close to downtown. He has a good car. He’s managed to maintain a comfortable lifestyle, and it seems logical that the next step should be marriage, maybe a few kids.

So Hongjoong has… been trying to find someone. He got tired of waiting for the ideal partner to magically appear in his life and decided to give dating apps a chance. He’s answering, for the fifth time that day, a message asking what he likes to do in his free time when he sees Seonghwa standing by the elevator in the office building. 

He knows it’s him immediately because Seonghwa isn’t an easy person to forget. He is dressed entirely in black, from his shoes to the shirt buttoned all the way to his neck, and looks like he belongs in a movie. He is almost intimidating. He is tall, slender, and meticulously put together. Even the strands of his hair seem strategically positioned.

“Kim Hongjoong,” he says.

“Oh, uh, hello.” Hongjoong unconsciously tries to straighten his posture so he doesn’t look like someone who woke up at the last minute and threw on the first clothes he found before leaving the house. He hasn’t even had breakfast, and can feel pressure behind his eyes indicating that a headache is on its way. “Um, hey.”

“It’s very nice to meet you. I’m Seonghwa. You may not know me yet, but I’m here for an eight o’clock meeting with… Jeong Yunho?” 

“Yes,” Hongjoong says immediately and locks his phone. He almost drops the device when he puts it in his coat pocket. “Yes, I mean, I know you. You’re the TikTok guy.”

A small smile appears at the corner of Seonghwa’s mouth. 

“Yeah, you could say that,” he says easily. “I was really happy to get the invitation because I’ve used the company’s products before. It’s always easier to work with companies I like.”

“Right,” he says, looking away as the elevator finally arrives. He lets Seonghwa enter first and tries not to awkwardly fumble with the buttons as he selects the twelfth floor. He’s used to professional conversations, but they still make him nervous. “Yeah, so… yes, it’s good that you like them.”

Seonghwa’s professional manner makes Hongjoong take a few seconds to realize that they are, technically, talking about sex toys.

Then Hongjoong realizes something. “How do you know me?”

“I never come to a meeting unprepared,” Seonghwa explains. There’s something almost arrogant about the way he says it, but somehow, it doesn’t come across that way. “I did my homework.”

“Of course you did.” Hongjoong tries not to stare at Seonghwa too much, because he doesn’t want to seem weird. He’s never been very good at casual interactions, and elevator small talk is always terrible. “Good luck in the meeting.”

Seonghwa blinks at him, looking slightly confused, then looks at the display showing that they are passing the seventh floor, and turns back to Hongjoong.

“You’re not going to be in the meeting?”

“No. Yunho will handle everything.”

“Ah.” Seonghwa gives him a small, polite smile and puts his hands inside the pockets of his coat. “All right then. It was nice meeting you.” 

“Yeah.” Hongjoong stares at the display. Tenth floor. “It was nice meeting you too.”

When they reach the twelfth floor, Seonghwa gets out first. He bows politely and then heads toward the receptionist.

Hongjoong pulls out his phone and goes back to replying to the Tinder message he’d left unanswered. 

-

At the end of the meeting, Yunho emails the contract to Seonghwa and copies Hongjoong. 

From the moment they met in the elevator, it was clear that Seonghwa would be hired. He just seems really good at what he does and very professional, and he made a good impression on Hongjoong. Yunho would definitely be impressed too.

He doesn’t even read the contract, just deletes the email and moves on to the next one—it’s not like he’ll have any reason to talk to Seonghwa again. 

-

“I don’t really like giving blowjobs,” the girl explains apologetically, with a small smile playing at the corner of her mouth, her lipstick still smudged. “At least not on first dates… but I do it for boyfriends.”

“Cool,” Hongjoong says sincerely, nodding his head. He didn’t ask for a blowjob, but he knows some men have certain expectations when they take women out and pay the bill. It’s ridiculous, but he understands where she’s coming from. “I’ll drive you home.”

The woman kisses Hongjoong before getting out of the car. He parks in front of the 7-Eleven on the corner near her apartment building, and it’s perfectly fine. She’s pretty, they’re around the same age, and she’s the nicest woman he’s talked to on the app, but something is still missing.

Hongjoong knows from experience that he can’t expect sparks to fly on the first date. It takes time, right?

When she gets out, Hongjoong stays parked until he sees her get inside safely, and only then does he get out of the car and walk into the store. He ate very little during the date because he’d been too focused on the conversation. 

He buys two packs of ramyeon and a samgak-kimbap, then sits at one of the tables farther back with the steaming containers in his hands.

There’s a message from Yunho asking how the date went, and Mingi sent a few restaurant recommendations that the two of them should visit. While eating, Hongjoong replies to both.

Yes, the date was great. Yes, let’s plan for next week.

Hongjoong stains his shirt like a child eating jajangmyeon. He tries to clean the stain with a napkin, and the cashier smiles politely when she notices the stain. 

Hongjoong always wanted to meet someone naturally, and he was very resistant to the idea of downloading a dating app. The cashier is pretty, she must be close to thirty, and she could be single. Hongjoong imagines himself flirting with her. The two of them are alone in the store.

He knows nothing about her. It’s as if she were a blank canvas. He could be surprised to discover that she is, in fact, the future mother of his children.

But then Hongjoong concludes that she’s working and he’s a strange man hanging around at night, and it’s more likely she’d be scared than interested if he tried to flirt with her, so he just smiles politely in response and turns his attention back to his next pack of ramyeon.

-

“Y’know, good drivers are cautious,”  his father says from the passenger seat. “You should never stop the car so close to the car in front of you.” 

“Dad—”

“And you should never drive so close to the car in front of you,” he continues. “What if the car stops abruptly? You won’t have enough time to react and brake before hitting it.” 

Hongjoong, who started secretly driving with Yunho when he was fourteen, sighs. He slows down, leaving enough distance between them and the car ahead, and the car behind them starts honking angrily. He almost sticks his hand out and flips them off, but only grits his teeth.

“Happy?”

“You know I say this for your own good.”

Hongjoong lets out a sigh when his father has a coughing fit. It takes him almost a minute to recover.

“Did you tell the doctor about the cough?”

“I’m old.” He doesn’t hide his irritation because he hates when Hongjoong talks to him like he’s a child. “Old people cough. I should have quit smoking years ago. Now it’s too late.”

“Have you been smoking lately?”

“Your mother told me I’m not allowed to.” 

“Good,” Hongjoong says.

“But it doesn’t matter,” he continues. “The damage is already done. There’s no point in quitting smoking now.”

“Of course there is.” Hongjoong makes a smooth left turn and changes the radio station. He switches to one of his father’s favorite stations, the kind that plays music from the ’60s. “You need to take care of yourself so you can enjoy your old age.”

“What’s the point of living if I can’t eat what I want, can’t smoke, and don’t have a woman to fuck?”

“Dad!”

“What?” After another coughing fit, he goes on. “It’s not a lie. You want me to sit in an armchair doing crossword puzzles or watching soap operas? I might as well be in a coffin.”

“Life isn’t just about eating, smoking, and… ugh. I can’t even say the word.”

“Fuck,” he repeats in the same hoarse voice from all the coughing. “You don’t have to be afraid. It’s just a word.”

“I’m not afraid.”

An uncomfortable silence settles over the car. Hongjoong has to bite his tongue to keep from making another comment. When he picked his father up from the hospital after a routine appointment, he already knew it wasn’t going to be an easy drive.

“And what about Jimin?” his father asks. 

“We broke up.”

“Why? She was a good girl.”

“Yes, she was,” he says. “But she dumped me.” 

“What a surprise!” It isn’t a surprise, and they both know it. Hongjoong’s relationship history has always been terrible. “I told your mother to take you to the doctor when you were a kid. I knew your dick was abnormally small.”

“Dad!” Hongjoong slams his hand against the steering wheel, accidentally honking the horn. “Fuck!”

“Now you know how to say the word?!” 

“I was trying to be polite. Have you ever heard that word? Do you know what it means?”

“Watch your tone, Hongjoong.”

Hongjoong takes a deep breath and says nothing else. His father also remains silent after letting out a scoff and turning to stare out the window at the street. 

When they get home, his father unbuckles his seatbelt and turns toward Hongjoong. “Are you coming inside to see your mother? I can’t take Soojin complaining about you to her anymore.”

“Not today,” he answers politely. “I’m late for a meeting at work.”

“I won’t tell her that you and Jimin broke up,” his father says then, getting out of the car. When he closes the door, he leans toward the open window. “Just don’t bring Yunho for Christmas again. I can’t take the neighbors’ comments about him being my son-in-law anymore.”

Hongjoong doesn’t change the expression on his face as his father walks away without waiting for an answer. He drives around the corner and only then allows himself to let out the scream he’s been holding in for the past hour.

-

Almost a month later, Hongjoong runs into Seonghwa again on the twelfth floor.

Seonghwa is wearing shoes that click against the floor, making him look even taller and more slender. He looks like a runway model, which is kind of intimidating. The other employees at the company don’t usually dress this well. 

“Kim Hongjoong,” he says in recognition as soon as he finds him standing in front of the coffee machine. “I was told the coffee here is terrible, so I came to try it for myself.” 

“Is it?” Hongjoong fills a cup for Seonghwa and offers it to him. He accepts it with both hands. “They should file a formal complaint.”

“I’m not very picky.” Seonghwa takes a sip, his expression unchanged. “But, yes, it’s true. It’s terrible.”

Hongjoong has never liked espresso, so he doesn’t really know what good espresso is supposed to taste like. The coffee machine is old, but it does the job and was a gift from Mingi after they rented the place. 

“Thanks for the feedback,” he says, with absolutely no intention of buying a new one. 

Seonghwa holds the cup by the handle with two fingers, and he has large hands and well-groomed nails. Hongjoong wants to end the interaction as quickly as possible because there is something about him that makes him uneasy.

“What did you think of the videos?” Seonghwa asks then.

“Videos?”

“Mine,” Seonghwa explains. “The promotional videos I made for ATEEZ’s products.”

Hongjoong freezes for a second before clearing his throat and setting his own coffee cup down on the table. He feels his face getting hot as he answers. “Sorry, I—uh, I haven’t actually watched them.”

“Oh.” There is a small change in Seonghwa’s expression, but he quickly smiles and nods. “Sorry, I just assumed they went through you for approval or something.”

“Yunho is the one who approves the advertising content, so—”

“Yeah, that makes sense.”

After that, things get awkward between them. Hongjoong suddenly feels incompetent at work, which makes no sense at all. It’s not his job. Hongjoong knows nothing about advertising.

And why is Seonghwa so tall? Was he really this tall the last time they met? Hongjoong feels tiny standing next to him. 

“So I’ll—” Hongjoong points toward the hallway where his office is. “Oh, and thank you for your work.”

The corner of Seonghwa’s mouth twitches, as if he isn’t sure whether he should smile or not. He looks Hongjoong up and down, then nods.

“Yeah. I’ll see you around.”

Hongjoong bows politely and walks away.

-

After spending the first five minutes feeling embarrassed about the interaction at the office, Hongjoong doesn’t think about Seonghwa anymore, which is why he is surprised when he opens his email three days later and sees Seonghwa’s name as the sender. 

Hello, Kim Hongjoong-ssi.

I would be happy to hear your feedback on my work.

[link TikTok]
[link TikTok]
[link TikTok]

P. Seonghwa.

When he clicks the link, the site won’t let him watch the videos without logging in. Hongjoong doesn’t have an account.

That’s a little arrogant of him, he thinks as he closes the site, stars Seonghwa’s email, and moves on to the next one. 

-

On Friday night, he goes out with the same girl again because she is pleasant and checks all the boxes on the imaginary list Hongjoong has created of what he wants in a woman. Is it sexist that he has criteria? He doesn’t know, but he thinks it’s okay not to want to date just anyone. 

She is shorter than him, smells nice, and is pretty, but it’s more than that. She said she wants to have children, which is great, and she has a good relationship with her parents, which is a bonus. She always dresses modestly. She went to a good university, is intelligent, and was polite to the staff at every restaurant they went to.

On their third date, they have sex, and it’s good. She is submissive in bed, and she has really great breasts. 

Hongjoong wakes up before her, makes breakfast, and drives her home. When he gets back, he changes the bedsheets and turns on the heavy soil setting on the washing machine. 

When he checks his phone, the first thing he sees is that Seonghwa has sent him a follow request on Instagram. Hongjoong’s Instagram is private, and he has few friends on there, none of them mutual with Seonghwa. 

He opens the first photo on Seonghwa’s profile and stares at it for a few moments. Once again, he is surprised by how impeccable Seonghwa looks. He can’t remember ever seeing someone so beautiful before, including idols he has seen at the few concerts he’s attended. 

He accepts the friend request and follows him back.

-

On Sunday, Hongjoong reluctantly downloads the TikTok app for the first time. He creates an account with the same username as his Instagram and skips the basic settings to go straight to the feed. 

He opens his email on his phone and clicks the first link in Seonghwa’s email. He is immediately taken to the video.

Seonghwa is wearing a soft-looking turtleneck, his black hair falling gracefully over his forehead. He starts the video with a very technical description of the product, which is one of ATEEZ’s best-selling anal plugs. He shows the product to the camera, holding it with his elegant fingers.

“I’ll say it over and over: always use anal plugs with a safety base, especially if you plan to use them for a long time. This helps prevent serious problems and having to stop everything to go to the hospital.” Seonghwa then shows how the plug he is holding has a long base. “I particularly like and recommend this product because it’s made from a flexible material.” 

Seonghwa talks like someone who genuinely believes in the quality of the product, not like someone trying to convince people to spend money. Hongjoong immediately understands why Yunho insisted on hiring him. 

“But now for the really interesting part…” At this point, Seonghwa laughs lightly. “My personal experience with this model.” 

Hongjoong blinks and swallows hard as Seonghwa puts the plug away and then speaks directly to the camera. 

“I tend to be pretty demanding about what I use, so I tested it on two different occasions. The first time, I used it for a shorter period, just to get a feel for the material and see how comfortable it was. With proper preparation and plenty of lubricant, I didn’t have any discomfort. The second time, I left it in for almost four hours. What surprised me the most was how comfortable it became after the first few minutes. The silicone is soft, but it still has structure. It was one of the most comfortable experiences I’ve had with this type of product. In short, the size is good, the material is excellent, and I couldn’t find any real downsides.”

Hongjoong lies down on the living room couch and holds the phone above his face. He doesn’t know what he expected, but now it’s obvious that Seonghwa could only give good feedback on a product if he actually used it. He doesn’t know what to think about the fact that Seonghwa, the same Seonghwa he’s spoken to twice, spent four hours wearing an anal plug and openly talked about it on the internet.

When the video ends, Hongjoong opens Seonghwa’s profile and discovers that he’s openly gay. This takes him by surprise. It’s not something you see often among Korean influencers, at least not this openly. 

Hongjoong watches the other two videos. Seonghwa is always meticulous in his reviews, and even though he makes it clear that they’re advertisements, he speaks openly about his opinions and the pros and cons. There is nothing erotic or sensual about the videos. He barely shows any skin—in some videos, he even wears black gloves.

Hongjoong likes the videos, closes TikTok, and sends a message to the woman he slept with the night before, telling her he’d love to see her again. 

-

Hongjoong is in a small meeting about the new releases when Seonghwa sends him a message on Instagram. Only then does he realize that he never replied to his email.

He freezes for a second, staring at the message with his phone hidden under the table, and opens the chat.

@_starhwa_: I hope you watched the videos. It would be a shame if I went through all that effort for nothing.

The message is borderline inappropriate.  Once again, it borders on arrogance. It’s not like they’re actually close—Seonghwa is, technically, a contractor. And yet he writes as if they were colleagues. They aren’t. They’ve spoken twice in a professional setting, and that’s it. 

@no1likeme8_8: You didn’t. I personally approved your payment.
@no1likeme8_8: And I watched the videos. They had excellent reach.

Hongjoong immediately regrets the messages he sent when he realizes he sounded too harsh. He has always been terrible at texting, and it’s not like he knows Seonghwa well enough to add emojis with the intention of softening the message. 

He tries to focus on the meeting, but his phone starts vibrating again almost immediately.

@_starhwa_: I’m more interested in your personal opinion than the finance department’s.

Oh. Hongjoong lightly bites his lower lip and stares at the phone screen for so long that it goes dark. Now there’s no denying that it’s an inappropriate and completely unprofessional message. 

Maybe Seonghwa is trying to be friendly? It’s been so long since Hongjoong made new friends that he doesn’t even know how this works anymore—Yunho and Mingi have been his friends for years, and he barely remembers how their friendship started.

@no1likeme8_8: It was a good review. If I were a potential customer, you would probably convince me to buy the products.

Great, Hongjoong thinks. It was a friendly enough message, but still polite.

The message is read immediately, but the typing bubble doesn’t appear. Hongjoong has no idea what is being said in the meeting, and hopes no one tries to ask for his opinion.

A full minute passes before Seonghwa starts typing.

@_starhwa_: What’s your favorite product?

Hongjoong blinks at his phone. The question makes no sense whatsoever. He feels his heart beating a little faster in his chest, lets out an incredulous laugh and turns his attention back to Kang Yeosang from the Design team, who is talking about the website. He missed the beginning of the presentation and has no idea what’s going on. 

His phone vibrates again.

@_starhwa_: I’m trying to decide what my next video will be, so I think you can help me.

Hongjoong shouldn’t even be talking to Seonghwa on social media, let alone about this kind of thing. Seonghwa was hired by the company to make advertising videos, so technically, Hongjoong is his client. They’re supposed to have a professional relationship.

Hongjoong isn’t going to be irresponsible. 

@no1likeme8_8: All the products have been tested and approved by our quality team! They’re all very good.

@_starhwa_: Kim Hongjoong, are you always this boring?

Hongjoong barely feels offended, but he is surprised by how bold the question is. Hongjoong is the one who signs off on the payments. Hongjoong is the owner of ATEEZ. He could easily get annoyed by this kind of informality. 

Seonghwa is so arrogant. He doesn’t even know Hongjoong. He knows nothing about him. And it’s definitely not a normal way to start a friendship, if that is what he actually wants.

With his heart still racing, he locks his phone and doesn’t reply. 

Seonghwa doesn’t try to contact him again.

-

“Last but not least,” Yunho begins, just as Hongjoong is starting to shut down the iPad at the end of the meeting. “We signed Park Seonghwa to a four-video contract a few months ago, and it was a success. We saw a significant increase in sales through his affiliate link. We had another online meeting with him because we want to keep the partnership going…”

Hongjoong taps his fingers against the table, a little impatient. The meeting has already gone past their lunch break because the creative consultant got a little too excited during the presentation, and now Hongjoong is starving.

And hearing Park Seonghwa’s name makes Hongjoong unconsciously tense up.

“Seonghwa’s background is in fashion,” Yunho continues, seemingly oblivious to the fact that most people are no longer listening, as happens after a very long meeting. “And he reached out because he’s interested in a partnership that aligns with what we’re looking for. There’s a market here that practically no one is exploring, and he has a very specific project involving men’s lingerie.”

“We don’t sell clothes,” Hongjoong reminds him.

“No,” Yunho agrees with a nod, going through a folder and taking out a few papers. It’s a business plan, with lots of information and numbers. Hongjoong’s head hurts just looking at it. “That’s why I need you to analyze the numbers and see if it makes sense. I honestly like the idea because it fits well with what we currently sell. Seonghwa offered to do an in-person presentation.”

“Yeah.” Hongjoong puts the papers away and stands up. “I’ll analyze it.”

Hongjoong doesn’t want to say no immediately. He doesn’t believe there’s an audience for this kind of product, at least not on a national scale. Still, he doesn’t want to dismiss Yunho’s professional opinion.

“I did some research. There isn’t a single national brand doing this well,” Yunho adds, almost unnecessarily.

Hongjoong simply nods.

“Can we have lunch now?”

Everyone gets up very quickly and the room empties within a few seconds, but Yunho stops him from leaving.

“Before you look at the numbers, I want you to hear his presentation,” Yunho squeezes Hongjoong’s shoulder and steps away. “I scheduled the meeting for tomorrow.”

Hongjoong suppresses the urge to point out that trying to diversify too much usually doesn’t end well, especially because he isn’t interested in adding another category to the business. But Yunho seems excited, and he usually has good instincts. 

“All right.” Hongjoong nods, forces a smile, and finally gets to leave for lunch. 

-

At night, Hongjoong takes the woman he’s dating to the movies.

They watch The Odyssey, and Hongjoong spends the entire time regretting not checking beforehand how long the movie is.

-

Seonghwa is wearing a silk shirt buttoned all the way up to his neck, black pants that make his legs look enormous, and black shoes so clean they could be used as mirrors.

Hongjoong feels underdressed for the meeting, even though he is wearing his usual formal work clothes.

The two of them haven’t spoken again since that last exchange of messages on Instagram, but Seonghwa’s smile when he enters the room is polite but seems genuine. 

“Kim Hongjoong,” he says softly. “Thank you for having me.”

For some reason, Hongjoong has a hard time looking directly at Seonghwa. He isn’t used to feeling intimidated, and the sensation is strange. There is something about him that makes Hongjoong’s skin prickle, but he doesn’t know exactly why. It’s simply irritating.

When the silence stretches between them, Hongjoong murmurs, “Yunho seems excited about you.”

Seonghwa’s smile grows. He glances at Yunho, who is talking to Yeosang.

“I hope I can excite you too,” Seonghwa says quietly, his voice smooth as honey.

Hongjoong stares at Seonghwa. He has nice teeth, and he is wearing a little makeup around his eyes. Hongjoong feels a shiver run down the back of his neck and unconsciously looks around, breaking eye contact.

“Yeah,” Hongjoong says finally. “Shall we start?”

The meeting room falls silent when Seonghwa connects the tablet to the projector.

It’s very normal for some people to have difficulty presenting projects, especially in a new environment, in front of people they don’t know. But Seonghwa doesn’t seem intimidated. In fact, he seems eager and excited to show them the project.

“Thank you again for having me.” He gives a small bow before picking up the presentation clicker. “Today I’m going to show you a project I’ve been working on for quite some time.”

The first slide on the screen says that the presentation is about the men’s lingerie market, but there are no suggestive or sensual images. There are charts, market research, and some discreet photographs of international brands.

Seonghwa continues. “When we talk about lingerie, most people still think exclusively of women. But there’s a men’s market that has been growing consistently for several years, especially among LGBTQIA+ consumers, men interested in fashion, couples who want to spice up their personal relationships, and people who see underwear as part of their self-expression. 

“My main concern,” Hongjoong begins, adjusting his glasses, “is the lack of a market for this kind of product.” 

Seonghwa nods in agreement.

“How many men do you know who wear lingerie?”

The answer is obvious. “None.”

“Exactly.” Seonghwa’s smile grows a little. “Because we don’t talk about the underwear we wear. You don’t know what kind of underwear I prefer to wear under my clothes. I could be wearing anything right now and none of you would know.”

Hongjoong doesn’t want to think about Seonghwa wearing lingerie and thinks this line of argument is excessively intimate for a business meeting.

“Yes, but—”

“Sex toys too,” Seonghwa interrupts. “Not everyone admits to using them, but the numbers don’t lie.”

Seonghwa changes the slide before continuing the presentation as if he hadn’t been interrupted. Four very elegant pieces appear on the screen, with lace and sheer fabrics. “My goal isn’t to compete with large international brands, but rather to create a small collection. As a man who has already tried women’s pieces, I understand the need for lingerie to accommodate the proportions of the male body, and these would be the first pieces in our collection, which could eventually have two releases a year.”

Seonghwa continues the presentation. He’s a very good speaker, and it becomes clear that he has studied the project thoroughly. At the end, after going over the product, he shows tables with estimated costs, how the production line would work, margins, pricing, sales projections, and profits.

Much to his own annoyance, Hongjoong is impressed. It becomes obvious during the presentation just how intelligent Seonghwa is. Even though his degree is in Fashion, his experience goes far beyond that. It’s a very solid project.

When Yunho notices the expression on his face, he tries to hide a smile.

“Impressive,” Yunho says admiringly. He even claps, and Seonghwa smiles and bows politely in thanks.

“Why ATEEZ?” Hongjoong asks. “You have enough reach to make this launch on your own.”

“Because on my own I would have the reach, but I wouldn’t have the same credibility. ATEEZ already speaks to the audience I want to reach. And, honestly…” Seonghwa looks directly at Hongjoong, “I’d rather build this with someone who knows what they’re doing because I also have a lot to learn.”

Hongjoong hums to himself and looks at the numbers again. It’s not a particularly risky investment. In fact, the numbers are smaller than Hongjoong expected. Even if the project ultimately doesn’t work out, the loss wouldn’t be significant.

“Thank you for the presentation, Seonghwa-ssi. I’ll analyze the numbers, and then we’ll get back to you.” 

Before leaving, Seonghwa places a sample box of the products in front of each of them on the table.

-

Alone in his office, Hongjoong opens it and discovers that they are the lingerie pieces from the designs Seonghwa presented. 

He puts the pieces back in the box and stores it in the bottom drawer. 

Three days later, while they’re waiting for the elevator at lunchtime, Hongjoong approves the project and tells Yunho that he’d rather not be involved in any part of it. 

Seonghwa sends a very excited email in response. Hongjoong reads it and deletes it without replying.

-

The third time he has sex with her, Hongjoong goes soft.

It’s something he’s used to by that point. It happened fairly often in his previous relationships, but it’s still embarrassing. She smiles and tries to be understanding, which makes it even worse.

Hongjoong goes down on her because he’s very good at it — he’s gotten pretty good at it over the years to make up for everything else. 

She comes, and Hongjoong falls asleep with his face buried in her breasts. It’s very comfortable.

-

When he opens Instagram a few days later, the first post that appears is a recent post from Seonghwa.

Hongjoong looks at the photo, rubbing his belly. There are an absurd number of likes and comments because Seonghwa is super popular on the internet or something. 

The screen goes dark from inactivity, and Hongjoong doesn’t bother unlocking his phone again.

-

One night, Hongjoong goes out with his friends and drinks a little more than he usually does. It’s been an exhausting week. He had to fire an employee on Monday, renegotiate two contracts on Wednesday, and, as if that weren’t enough, he lost his hard-on again on his date the night before. 

He is a little drunk, sitting on a high barstool, watching Yunho and Mingi dance on the dance floor. They tried to convince him to join them, but Hongjoong never learned how to dance. He doesn’t know how to move wildly to the beat of a song without feeling ridiculous, not even under the influence of alcohol.

Yunho whispers something into Mingi’s ear that makes him smile, and the two of them hug and start dancing pressed up against each other. The song changes, and Mingi licks Yunho’s ear. Yunho bites Mingi’s neck in retaliation, and they laugh, rub against each other, and then they’re kissing.

Hongjoong feels a warmth twisting in his stomach and turns back toward the bar.

He thinks about when he was young and secretly smoked his father’s cigarettes with Yunho in the basement at home, before they met Mingi at university. He thinks about Yunho laughing with his face buried in his neck when they drank beer sitting on the living room carpet at his mothers’ house, and all the times they slept holding each other in a single bed.

When the bartender places the bottle in front of him, Hongjoong notices an uncomfortable pressure in his pants.

-

Hongjoong is reading a contract when there is a knock on the door, and then Seonghwa walks into the office.

“The first samples of the lingerie have arrived.” He seems excited as he speaks, a small smile on his face. “And they’re much better than the samples I left after our meeting.” 

“Oh.” Hongjoong drops the pen onto the desk and leans back against the chair. He can barely think after spending so long hunched over numbers. “Cool.”

“Do you want to see them?”

“Uh, actually, it’s not necessary. I don’t know much about this, so I trust you guys.”

Seonghwa’s smile fades a little, but he approaches anyway and sits in the chair across from the desk without being asked. It’s only the fourth time they’ve met, but it feels like they’ve known each other for much longer.

“I have a question,” Seonghwa begins, this time much more serious than before. He crosses one leg over the other. “How did a guy like you end up creating a sex toy business?”

“A guy like me?”

“Yeah. You’re so…” Seonghwa doesn’t finish the sentence, but it’s obvious what he means. “It doesn’t make much sense, I think.”

The last message he received on Instagram immediately comes to mind. Kim Hongjoong, are you always this boring?

It’s a reasonable question, all things considered. But Seonghwa is arrogant for acting like he knows him. 

“When I started using sex toys, I realized that many of them had flaws. Some were uncomfortable, others were poorly made, and most of them weren’t safe. Little by little, I started imagining how they could be better. I sent some suggestions to a few brands, but most of them don’t care about customer feedback, so I saw an opportunity and here we are today.”

Seonghwa nods a few times. “I see,” he says. “So you use the products you manufacture? Because I actually thought you’d never used any of them before.”

Hongjoong considers telling him how inappropriate it is for Seonghwa to wonder whether Hongjoong has ever used any of the products, and then reprimanding him for being so informal in a professional setting, but he isn’t the kind of man who gets angry easily. Technically, Seonghwa is free to say whatever he wants and can draw his own conclusions.

“I’ve tested them.” Hongjoong considers how much he wants to reveal and then adds, “Unlike you, I use them on other people.” 

What Hongjoong doesn’t say is that he started using sex toys to satisfy the women he’s been involved with over the years, precisely because he usually doesn’t perform well sexually. 

Seonghwa blinks slowly, and his Adam’s apple moves as he swallows. Hongjoong doesn’t move, even when he feels like rubbing the back of his neck the way he does when he feels awkward and uncomfortable. 

“I also think the best way to know if a product is actually good is to try it.” Seonghwa runs his tongue over his lower lip, maintaining eye contact. “That’s why I’m wearing the lingerie now.”

Involuntarily, Hongjoong’s eyes drop to Seonghwa’s body, but there is nothing to see. He is wearing a turtleneck and immaculate black pants. When he realizes what he has done, he quickly looks back at his face and makes an effort to keep his expression impassive.

Inside, his stomach twists. When he speaks, his voice comes out surprisingly steady. “And what do you think so far?”

“Comfortable,” Seonghwa says. “I feel good wearing something that was made for my body. It also looks good.” 

Hongjoong nods, the hairs on the back of his neck standing on end.

“That’s…” Hongjoong pauses, trying to find the right word. Seonghwa tilts his head slightly to the side. “Good.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to see them?”

Hongjoong remembers how Seonghwa’s smile faded when he said no the first time, but at the same time, it’s not like he could give any concrete feedback when he doesn’t understand this specific subject. Seonghwa has a degree in Fashion, so he knows better.

But…

“You can send me the photos later. Talk to Yeosang, he’s in Design. We can probably post some previews of the pieces on our Instagram, like a little teaser for our next release.”

Seonghwa purses his lips slightly, but nods and stands up. Hongjoong politely stands as well and walks him to the door.

Up close, he can smell Seonghwa’s perfume. It’s light, not too masculine. It reminds him of something sweet. His ears are red at the tips, and Hongjoong becomes hypnotized by them for a few brief seconds as they say goodbye.

“I’ll see you around, Kim Hongjoong.”

“Bye, Seonghwa-ssi.”

-

When Hongjoong gets back from the gym, he drops his keys and phone on the table and takes a shower. He only checks his messages on his phone after he finishes dinner.

There are messages from the woman he’s dating and from Seonghwa.

Hongjoong opens hers first. Apparently, there’s an exhibition she wants to go to, and she is not being very subtle about suggesting that he should invite her. He replies that they should go together. He hates exhibitions of any kind, but relationships are all about compromise, right? 

Then he hesitates for a few seconds, but eventually opens the message Seonghwa sent him on Instagram.

@_starhwa_: [photo]
@_starhwa_: Here’s the photo you asked for, Hongjoong-ssi.

Hongjoong clicks on the photo.

“Fuck,” Hongjoong exclaims when he sees it, and looks away for a few seconds before staring at the image again.

Seonghwa is standing in front of the mirror, his phone held at chest level, his hair a little messier than he usually wears it at the office. But what draws the most attention is the fact that he is wearing nothing but lingerie.

It’s a pair of black briefs with lace on the sides, and it’s obvious that the piece was made for men because it comfortably accommodates all the important parts. One of his thumbs is hooked into the side of the piece, pulling the fabric just enough to show his hip bone, but nothing more than that. 

Hongjoong swallows hard and holds the phone with both hands.

His eyes travel down the photo because he can’t help himself. Seonghwa has an incredibly narrow waist, but very broad shoulders. His skin is smooth and sun-kissed, and his nipples are hard. 

He always wears clothes from head to toe, and Hongjoong is surprised by how defined his body is. Despite the delicate lingerie, he is unmistakably masculine. He has strong arms and a defined stomach.

Hongjoong slips a hand inside his underwear to adjust himself, then closes the photo. 

He stares at the message again.

@_starhwa_: Here’s the photo you asked for, Hongjoong-ssi.

That isn’t what Hongjoong asked for, and Seonghwa knows it. He sent the photo as a tease, but why? As some kind of joke?

He doesn’t want to reply, but at the same time, he doesn’t think a message like that can go unanswered.

@no1likeme8_8: I hope you know we can’t share this kind of photo on our business Instagram.

Seonghwa replies almost immediately.

@_starhwa_: I only sent this one to you.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Hongjoong mutters, squeezing himself hard through his pants. “Only shit.”

He doesn’t even try to reply to Seonghwa’s message because he doesn’t know what to say.

-

“Do you take antidepressants?” she asks, stroking the hair at the back of Hongjoong’s neck. 

“No,” Hongjoong says.

“Oh.” Her hand trembles for a second and hesitates, but then goes back to stroking him. “I thought… maybe…”

“It’s not that.” Hongjoong forces himself to say it. He knew the conversation would happen eventually, but it’s never easy. “It’s just something that happens sometimes.”

“Sometimes,” she repeats flatly. Lying against her chest, Hongjoong can’t see the expression on her face. “Did it happen with your other girlfriends?”

Hongjoong doesn’t know how much he wants to tell her. He made her come three times with his hands and tongue, and used one of the store’s best-selling vibrators. He didn’t get hard, but he still satisfied her. Even so, he can’t help feeling embarrassed about the whole situation, even though he’s the one who didn’t come.

“Have you ever seen a doctor?” She hesitates and then adds, “Or maybe a therapist?”

It’s at that moment that Hongjoong knows he’s going to be dumped again. He feels an emptiness in the pit of his stomach because he likes her enough, but it isn’t the first time this has happened.

“Minah, I—”

“My name is Jiwoo,” she says.

Hongjoong pulls away as she gets out of bed. 

While Jiwoo gets dressed, Hongjoong remains motionless between the sheets. She puts on her jeans, then tucks her shirt into the waistband without putting her bra back on.

“I’m sorry, Jiwoo,” Hongjoong murmurs.

The shame stings, and she only nods. 

“It’s okay. I know you’re not in love with me or anything, but you could at least remember the name of the woman you’ve been dating for the past four months.”

When she leaves, Hongjoong strips the sheets off the bed, washes the vibrator with mild soap, and sleeps on the couch.

-

“I’m curious.” Yunho fills the wine glass almost to the brim. Hongjoong spills a little on his shirt as he brings it to his mouth, which makes him laugh. “It doesn’t make sense to me that all your girlfriends dump you.”

Hongjoong drinks as much wine as he can before answering.

“Was that a compliment?”

Yunho puts the wine bottle down on the coffee table and gets a beer from the fridge. He drops down beside Hongjoong on the couch.

“I’m genuinely curious. What’s the problem? Like, does your dick smell or something? Do you have some kind of weird fetish in bed? Do you want to fuck their belly buttons or call them Mommy?”

“First of all: gross.” Hongjoong spins the wine glass between his fingers. “And no. But my dad said it could be because my dick is small.”

“Why would your dad say something like that?”

“You know my dad.” After a long sigh, Hongjoong rests his head against the back of the couch. He’s pleasantly drunk. “He’s not normal. No one in my family is.”

Yunho hums, then says, “Your dick isn’t small. It’s perfectly average-sized.”

Hongjoong thinks about when they were young, sleeping in the same bed and waking up holding each other, both of them hard. He remembers how many times over the years he saw Yunho’s erections through his underwear.

He doesn’t want to think about any of that.

His mouth dry, Hongjoong murmurs, “Thanks, dude.” 

Yunho laughs.

“You’re welcome, dude.”

He pours himself another glass of wine. Yunho rests his head on his shoulder. A little more wine spills onto his shirt, but Hongjoong can’t even bring himself to care.

Yunho’s hair smells good. Feeling the warmth of his head takes him back to when they were young—he’s been using the same brand of shampoo since he was thirteen. 

“Do you remember the limbic system?” Hongjoong asks out of nowhere. He wants to mean something with the question, but he can’t articulate a line of thought that leads him there. “Something about memories and smells.”

“Yeah,” Yunho answers, his voice barely a whisper. “I love your smell too.”

Hongjoong smiles, drunk and comfortable.

For some reason, he thinks of Seonghwa.

-

They organize a small opening event to celebrate the launch of the new men’s lingerie line at one of their physical stores in Seoul. 

Hongjoong shows up near the end of the day, close to closing time. The food is already gone, and the employees look exhausted, but they smile politely when he arrives. Everyone is still immaculate.

Yunho and Seonghwa are there, and Hongjoong almost turns around and leaves when he notices his mother with a glass of champagne in her hand, enthusiastically talking to the manager.

“Sorry,” Yunho says when he approaches. “If I told you she was here, you wouldn’t come.”

“Who?” Seonghwa asks.

Yunho stays silent, and Hongjoong finally looks properly at Seonghwa. He is wearing a suit, which is an outfit that clashes with the entire sex shop environment, but he has the kind of presence that makes him not look out of place. He is the kind of person who would look good even in a potato sack.

“My mom,” Hongjoong finally answers.

“Who—”

Before Seonghwa can finish the question, there is a shout from across the store.

“Hongjoong!”

“I love you,” Yunho says quietly with a guilty expression. “I love you so fucking much.”

Seonghwa looks a little shocked, but quickly smiles as his mother approaches. She looks far too young to have a son Hongjoong’s age, and her tattoos are visible on her arms and neck, where her clothes leave them exposed. 

Hongjoong answers Yunho distractedly. “I love you too. It’s okay. She’s my responsibility. You don’t have to stay.”

Yunho gives Hongjoong another guilty look, but leaves before Kim Yerin approaches. She hugs Hongjoong very tightly, the same way she used to when he was little, and she smells exactly the way she always has. 

Hongjoong closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He hates how much he loves her smell and how difficult it is not to feel like a child again when she is around.

“My baby,” she says affectionately, cupping Hongjoong’s cheek. “You get bigger every time I see you. And why did Yunho run away from me? He did it all night. And, oh, who are you again?”

“Seonghwa.”

“Oh.” Kim Yerin smiles at Seonghwa and looks him up and down. “You’re very handsome.”

“He worked on our last product launch,” Hongjoong explains politely and turns to Seonghwa, ignoring the inappropriate compliment. “This is Yerin, my mother.”

Seonghwa nods, curiosity obvious in his eyes, and says, “You’re so young!” 

“Yeah, right?” Yerin laughs. “I got pregnant as a teenager, you can imagine what I went through because of it in the ’90s! But that was before I discovered I don’t even like d—”

“Mom!” Hongjoong interrupts before she can finish the sentence. “Why didn’t you tell me you were coming?”

“Don’t ask stupid questions.” With a sigh, Yerin grabs Hongjoong’s arm. She changes her expression to something more serious. “Why do you keep your hair so short? You’re not in the military anymore.”

“I like it this way.”

“You look handsome with longer hair.” Yerin affectionately strokes Hongjoong’s cheek. He simply lets her, resigned and slightly uncomfortable, but used to it enough that the touch is welcome. “You’ve lost weight.”

“Yeah. It’s intentional. I was overweight.”

Yerin hums. She completely ignores Seonghwa now, as if they weren’t in the middle of a conversation a minute ago. She’s always like this.

“Soojin can’t come, but she keeps asking you to come over for dinner! You don’t answer my messages anymore!”

It’s not exactly intentional, but Hongjoong has been putting off replying to her for weeks because he always leaves it for later. Dealing with his parents tends to be mentally exhausting.

“I’m very busy, Mom.” Hongjoong carefully removes her hand from his cheek. “Did you like the new launch?”

“Oh, of course I did. It’s bold and beautiful!” She turns back to Seonghwa, remembering his presence. “Did you make this?”

Seonghwa, who has been paying close attention to the entire mother-and-son interaction, nods. 

“Yes. I designed the pieces.”

“Bold,” she repeats. “Are you gay?”

Seonghwa raises both eyebrows and looks at Hongjoong, then looks back at Yerin. Once again, he looks shocked by the entire interaction.

“Mom, you barely know—”

Seonghwa interrupts him. “Yes.”

“Oh, I knew it!” Yerin lets go of Hongjoong’s arm and moves closer to Seonghwa. “You dress very well. I’ve been going to every Pride parade since 2002.”

“You’re queer too?”

Yerin nods. Everywhere she goes, she makes sure everyone knows her sexual orientation. Hongjoong is used to it by now.

“Good thing I got pregnant with Hongjoong so young, or he wouldn’t exist. I’ve been married to my Soojin for twenty-seven years.”

“Wow, that’s incredible!” Seonghwa’s eyes light up as he looks at Yerin, and his words sound brutally honest. “Damn, if the country is this homophobic today, I can’t even imagine what it must have been like twenty-seven years ago.” 

Hongjoong realizes very quickly that he is intruding on the conversation. Luckily, Mingi chooses that moment to walk into the store, and he has the perfect excuse to step away.

-

“I think I’m going to buy a few pieces of lingerie,”  Mingi says casually as they stare at a mannequin wearing beautiful sky-blue lingerie. “What do you think?”

Hongjoong makes a conscious effort not to imagine Mingi wearing panties.

“Go wild!” Hongjoong replies. “But who are you going to wear them for?”

“Do I need to wear them for someone?” Mingi runs his fingers over the piece. He rubs the lace between his thumb and forefinger. “Not everything revolves around sex.”

“Seems like a waste to pay that much for something no one’s going to see.”

Mingi stays silent for a while as they walk around the display. Even though Hongjoong has never been a lingerie enthusiast, he knows when something is tasteful. Mingi seems deeply interested in all the pieces.

“Hongjoong-ssi,” Mingi says then, very seriously. His tone is so solemn that Hongjoong immediately turns toward him. “Would you make me pay for these?” 

Oh. “Why should I give you something if it’s not your birthday?”

“Because we’re friends.”

Hongjoong nods and they stop in front of the shelves of suction-cup vibrators. Hongjoong knows them well, every model and design, because he thought of and approved each of them during the initial development process.

“And how are the dates going?” Mingi doesn’t look at Hongjoong, only picks up one of the seven-inch models and inspects it as if he were choosing which eggplant to take home for dinner. “Have you found your wife yet?”

“Didn’t Yunho tell you I got dumped?”

“She’s not the last person in the world,” Mingi says, putting the vibrator back in its place. They walk a little farther down the aisle. “You’re already thirty.”

“Yeah. I’m old.”

“You’re not old.”

“Yeah, I just…” Hongjoong sighs. Mingi is huge, like a wall, and is still wearing the clothes from the law firm where he works. He’s gotten rid of his tie, but he is still wearing a vest. He smells like he’s been at work all day, his cologne already faded, and there is a specific smell to him that Hongjoong has always associated with man. “I thought something would change when I turned thirty, but I still feel like the same person I was when I was eighteen. Does that make any sense?”

“I feel like the same person I was before too. Nothing has changed about me.”

Hongjoong still feels like a teenager. Between the Hongjoong of today, the owner of a small business, and the sixteen-year-old Hongjoong sleeping in a single bed with Yunho after drinking beer for the first time, there’s no real difference. He feels like the exact same boy inside a man’s body. 

He doesn’t understand how age works now that he has reached thirty. What’s the difference? Is there supposed to be one? Is he supposed to be wiser? Have more life experience? Then why does he feel the same?

“Relax.” Mingi grabs Hongjoong by the back of the neck and squeezes, pulling him closer. He is so big, but Hongjoong bumps into him as if Mingi were made of cotton. Mingi’s manly scent makes him sigh. “Today is a day of celebration.”

Yunho finds them hugging beside the lubricants, but doesn’t say anything. There is a softer expression on his face when he wraps an arm around Mingi’s neck and pushes Hongjoong away.

“Find one for yourself,” he says.

Hongjoong sighs, straightens his shirt, and goes after his mother.

-

Yerin and Hongjoong don’t look like mother and son. People always say she’s very young, and she is. She has incredible genetics. She barely has any lines on her face. She got pregnant when she was very young, after a drunken night out, and it was the only time she ever had sex with his father (more information than Hongjoong would ever want to know).

She is wearing loose-fitting jeans and a Squid Game shirt she got from a niece in a Secret Santa exchange, and she is wearing red lipstick. She always wears makeup, even if it’s just mascara in the morning before rushing out of the house to work.

“Soojin misses you,” she says when they meet outside the store. She has already called an Uber, and the driver is four minutes away. “I miss you too. You don’t visit us enough.”

Hongjoong misses Soojin too. He sees her as a second mother and loves her like his own. While Yerin has worked outside the home her entire life, Soojin was the one who took Hongjoong to school and picked him up, who helped him with his homework, who read him bedtime stories. Soojin has no biological connection to Hongjoong, but he loves her as if he had been born to her.

“I will,” Hongjoong promises, hugging her.

Yerin is tiny, very different from Soojin. Hongjoong, being a short man himself, knows whose genes to blame.

“Bring your friends,” Yerin continues with a smile. “I love all of them.”

“My dad can’t stand seeing Yunho anymore.”

“Your dad is an asshole.” She runs her fingers through Hongjoong’s hair. “I should have chosen better. It’s my fault.”

“It’s not.”

They talk a little longer, but the Uber arrives soon and Yerin waves through the open car window. Hongjoong only goes back inside when he sees the car turn the corner and disappear from sight.

-

When Hongjoong returns to the store, it is getting dark and there are barely any customers left. Seonghwa is talking to Mingi, and both of them are holding glasses of champagne. The employees have already started preparing to close. 

It is strangely uncomfortable to see Seonghwa and Mingi together, as if they were two characters from different universes meeting in a crossover. 

Seonghwa smiles at something Mingi says and responds, gesturing with the hand holding his glass. Mingi bites his lower lip to hide his own smile.

Hongjoong walks away to thank the employees who worked that day. 

-

Mingi and Yunho leave together.

Seonghwa stays until the store closes, but changes his fancy shoes for a pair of flip-flops. He has strangely ugly toes, and Hongjoong is fascinated by that.

“I did ballet for a while,” Seonghwa explains when he catches him staring. They are outside the store while an employee closes the gates. “For a few years, actually. My feet were never the same again.”

Seonghwa looks very much like someone who would be good at classical dance, so Hongjoong nods.

“Why did you stop?”

“Because it was just a hobby, not something I intended to pursue as a career. Eventually I needed to focus on other things. But I still dance as a form of exercise because I don’t like traditional workouts.”

Hongjoong knows he couldn’t dance even if his life depended on it. It gets dark as the employees begin to disperse after the store closes.

“Did you drive here?” Hongjoong asks.

Seonghwa shakes his head. “By subway.”

“Come on, I’ll drive you home.”

In the car, it is uncomfortable. Of course it is. In the back of Hongjoong’s mind, the memory of Seonghwa sending him a photo wearing nothing but lingerie keeps nagging at him. He remembers that photo every time he closes his eyes, like an obsessive thought he can’t shake. 

He was all creamy, tanned skin. He still doesn’t understand why Seonghwa did it, whether Seonghwa had any particular intention behind it or if it’s simply something he does. Maybe, in the circles Seonghwa moves in, people exchange photos of themselves in underwear for no particular reason, simply because they want to. 

“It’s my first time in an electric car,” Seonghwa comments a few minutes later. “It’s very quiet.”

“Do you want me to put on some music?”

“I’m fine,” he says. “But I think I prefer the rumble of an engine.”

Just to have something to do, Hongjoong turns on the air conditioning so the silence between them won’t be absolute. It isn’t very hot, but he feels a drop of sweat slide down his neck to the collar of his shirt.

“At least electric cars pollute less.”

That makes Seonghwa laugh, but it isn’t a quiet laugh. He laughs with his whole body, putting a hand on his stomach while his whole body shakes with laughter. 

Hongjoong frowns. There is nothing funny about what he said. It’s obvious he’s laughing for another reason.

“What is it?”

Hongjoong thinks Seonghwa is going to talk about the photo, or throw out some clever line that usually leaves him speechless. He thinks maybe he’ll point out that they’re obviously avoiding something and talking about the environment instead, or something like that.

There are small tears of laughter in his eyes when he takes a deep breath and manages to stop laughing, but his eyes are still smiling.

“It’s nothing.”

There is an obvious difference between laughing with someone and laughing at someone. Hongjoong realizes the laughter isn’t malicious. According to the GPS, they are still fifteen minutes away from Seonghwa’s house.

The silence stretches on a little longer, and then Seonghwa speaks. “Do you have a boyfriend?”

“I don’t have a girlfriend,” Hongjoong corrects calmly. 

“Oh,” Seonghwa says, and the conversation ends.

There is a small park in front of Seonghwa’s apartment. It’s a good neighborhood, and the buildings are new and well-maintained, with gardens in front. Children are playing, running around after one another, and there are lots of shouts and laughter.

Seonghwa opens the door to get out.

“Thank you, Hongjoong-ssi,” he says. There is still a trace of a smile at the corner of his lips, as if he might laugh again at any moment. “Text me when you get home, okay?”

Hongjoong nods and only starts the car when Seonghwa closes the building door behind him.

-

Hongjoong drives with Yunho in the passenger seat.

Yunho likes to talk, and he doesn’t mind when Hongjoong only responds with a nod or a hum of agreement. They have been friends for so many years that there is never any awkwardness between them.

“I’m thinking about taking my first international trip,” he says after grumbling about one of the guys at the company. “Like, we could go to Japan or something.”

“We could? You and who else?”

“Me, you, Mingi,” he says. “We had promised to take a graduation trip, but we graduated and never left Korea.”

“We went to Busan,” Hongjoong reminds him.

“That’s not the same thing. Busan is right next door.”

“And I remember perfectly that you two spent the whole time making out on the beach while I was being the third wheel.”

That makes Yunho laugh. His voice is sweet as honey when he says, “You could have joined us.”

“No, thank you.”

The radio switches to Ariana Grande because Yunho likes listening to this kind of music in the car. He stays quiet for a while, looks out the window, then raises one arm and rubs the back of Hongjoong’s neck.

“What is it?” Hongjoong asks.

“Are you okay?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Because you always get angry when you visit your parents.”

Yunho is the only person in the world who knows Hongjoong intimately, and that is sometimes frightening. He knows all the ugly parts, the parts Hongjoong hides even from himself. There is absolutely no inflection in his voice when he asks the question, but his grip on Hongjoong’s neck is terrifying. 

“I’m a big boy now.”

“Okay.”

Both Hongjoong’s and Yunho’s families live nearby, and that’s how they met. Hongjoong’s mother lives with Soojin in a small two-bedroom house, and his father’s workshop is on the street in front, and he lives in a little room in the back. 

Yunho’s parents live next door to Hongjoong’s mothers, and they are already at the door when the car pulls up.

“You’ve lost weight, sweetheart,” Yunho’s mother says warmly and hugs him. “Come on, the tea will get cold.”

Yunho and Hongjoong sit side by side at the kitchen table. That house seemed huge when they were little, but now it feels strangely small. It still has the same old furniture, but there’s now a 60-inch television in the living room. 

“It was my Christmas present,” Yunho says when he catches him looking.

They drink tea and eat cake. Hongjoong has always loved Yunho’s family because they are what his own family never was. He loves the quietness, the tea, the gentleness of his parents’ love. 

When Hongjoong says goodbye to them an hour later, Yunho walks him to the door.

“Do you want me to go with you?” he asks. “You know your mom loves me.”

“Sometimes I think she wishes you were her son.”

Yunho smiles warmly. “I know. I’m simply wonderful.”

Hongjoong rolls his eyes and walks away.

-

“You’re so skinny,” Soojin says. She hugs him very tightly. She has always been a large woman. There was a time when Hongjoong thought he would grow taller than her, but it never happened. He is still about two inches shorter, even now, years after puberty. “But handsome as always.”

“Hi, Mom.”

Soojin’s lips tremble a little, as they always do when Hongjoong calls her that. She strokes his hair with so much affection and care.

“You need to eat properly,” she says, scolding him. She hugs Hongjoong one more time, then steps aside and lets him into the house.

Hermione, the fifteen-year-old orange cat, winds around Hongjoong’s legs. Her collar jingles as she runs away as soon as he tries to pick her up. 

“You know she’s antisocial,” Yerin says from the couch, painting her toenails. She is wearing a tank top, and Hongjoong sees tattoos on her arms that weren’t there the last time he checked. “She doesn’t like hugs. Just like you.”

Hongjoong doesn’t answer because there is nothing to say. It’s not that he doesn’t like hugs; he just doesn’t know how to act when someone hugs him. 

While his mother finishes her nails, Hongjoong helps Soojin with dinner, exactly as he used to when he was little. Now he is allowed to handle knives.

“You seem sad,” Soojin says after a few minutes of working in silence. “What happened, baby?”

Her voice and affection make Hongjoong’s nose itch. He chops the onion more aggressively.

“Nothing is really going on,” he says honestly. “Business is doing better than ever. We had a launch recently that’s selling well. My friends and I are planning an international trip.”

“Oh,” Soojin says. She dries her hands on a towel. “That’s good.”

“Yeah, it’s great.”

The smell of sautéed onion and garlic fills the kitchen. Hongjoong rarely cooks proper meals, preferring the convenience of buying frozen meals, and he gets lost in the nostalgia of making homemade food with one of his mothers.

Soojin puts on 2PM. Hongjoong used to listen to their songs when he was in school. Yerin joins them at some point and starts setting the dinner table.

When they are serving themselves, Yerin asks, “Why didn’t you bring Jimin?”

Hongjoong finishes filling his plate before answering.

“We broke up a few months ago.”

“Oh, honey,” Soojin murmurs.

Hongjoong consciously decides not to talk about Jiwoo, who he dated for four months before getting dumped again. Jimin isn’t even his most recent ex-girlfriend.

“Why?” Yerin opens a can of Coke and pours it into her glass. “She seemed like a nice girl.”

“I don’t know. We weren’t a good match, I guess.”

Hongjoong avoids saying that she was the one who ended things. He knows he is being vague, but there’s absolutely no way he can openly say why his relationships never work out. 

“But it’s better this way,” Soojin sighs. “You didn’t even like her that much.”

“I—”

“You don’t have to say anything,” Soojin continues. “I raised you, I know you. You never seemed excited about her.”

Hongjoong nods and pretends he isn’t relieved when Soojin changes the subject, even when it is obvious Yerin wants to know more about Jimin. He appreciates the effort.

Later, Hongjoong washes the dishes while Soojin and Yerin watch the soap opera in the living room.

He watches them for a while from the doorway. Yerin has her feet resting on a cushion so she won’t smudge her toenails, and Soojin strokes her hair while commenting on something about the plot that only someone who has been watching since the beginning could possibly understand.

Silently, he puts on his shoes and leaves the house.

-

His father’s workshop is closed, but Hongjoong installed an electronic lock two years ago, when his father got sick inside and no one had the keys to open the door.

The man is sitting in an armchair, drinking beer and watching the news.

“Has the cleaning lady I hired not been coming here?” Hongjoong asks when he sees the mess, the dirty dishes in the sink, and the beer bottles.

“I don’t need a babysitter,” he grumbles and takes another sip. He turns up the TV, as if Hongjoong’s voice were an inconvenience. “Were you with your mother?”

Even though they only slept together once, his father always talks about her. He already had the workshop before Hongjoong was born, and she moved into a house nearby because she wanted Hongjoong to have easy access to his father whenever he needed him. 

And that’s how the dysfunctional Kim family was born. Despite all of his aggression, she stayed nearby because she wanted Hongjoong to have that father figure.

“Yes. We had dinner together.”

Something strange crosses his father’s face. He is much older, pushing seventy, but he still works. Hongjoong looks at his blue shirt with his name embroidered on the chest, stained with grease and car oil.

“They didn’t call me?”

You’re not part of their lives, Hongjoong thinks about saying, but doesn’t. When he still lived with his mothers, his father used him as an excuse to stay close.

“It was kind of last minute. A meeting was canceled, so I decided to stop by.”

“Mmm.”

“How are you?” Hongjoong asks.

“Well enough.”

“And the cough?”

“Same as always.”

When it becomes clear that his father isn’t going to say anything else, Hongjoong takes off his coat and starts cleaning.

He washes the dishes, sweeps the floor, changes the sheets on the bed, and stuffs all the trash into a large black bag. He mops the floor and cleans the toilet. He scrubs the bathtub.

By the time he finishes, it is already late at night. He watches his father sleeping in the armchair in front of the TV, still wearing his work uniform and holding the beer in his hand, then leaves.

-

Yunho is waiting against the wall in front of his house with a pack of Marlboro Reds in his hands.

“You shouldn’t smoke,” Hongjoong says, but accepts a cigarette, and they sit side by side on the sidewalk.

They share the same cigarette, and their fingers touch every time they pass it back and forth.

“How is your father?”

“Same as always,” he says. “I’m afraid I’ll end up like him.” Then Hongjoong takes a drag and exhales the smoke. “Which is horrible to say.”

“It’s not horrible. It’s not horrible to want to have a good life.”

When the cigarette is finished, they still stay outside for a while before going in. Yunho’s mother uses his old bedroom as a sewing room, so she moved all his things to the basement. 

The single bed in the basement is covered in cobwebs. They change the sheets, strip down to their underwear, and lie down.

“It used to be easier when we were kids,” Hongjoong murmurs.

“You’re still small,” Yunho says.

Hongjoong doesn’t have the energy to retort.

-

In the morning, Hongjoong opens his eyes after a night of confusing dreams. He isn’t used to sharing a bed, so he feels sore and unrested. 

Yunho is already awake, looking at his phone. He casts a brief glance in Hongjoong’s direction, his face still puffy with sleep.

“Did my alarm wake you?”

Maybe that was the music that seeped into Hongjoong’s dream.

“We need to leave anyway.”

Yunho hums. There is very little light as his eyes travel over Hongjoong’s body.

He has a morning erection, but Hongjoong doesn’t.

“I need to piss,” Yunho says, sliding his hand down to his dick. He squeezes it, strokes his balls, and adjusts himself to the right. 

Hongjoong just stares. It’s almost familiar now, this sexual intimacy. He has a lifetime of experience with it, even if it happens less frequently these days.

“My mom made enough food for the whole office to have lunch,” he continues. He doesn’t take his hand off his dick, but keeps it still. “I’ll wait for you so we can eat together.”

“Okay,” Hongjoong agrees.

One of Yunho’s fingers trembles on top of his erection. Hongjoong feels his own dick swelling, but doesn’t move. If he tries to hide it, he’ll probably only draw more attention to the fact.

Yunho squeezes his dick again. Hongjoong knows what comes next. It’s familiar.

There is a tense silence. Yunho’s breathing catches and then: “Do you want to?”

The first time he asked was when they were young and horny, inexperienced, discovering the nuances of it all.

Do you want to? young Yunho asked, his face flushed and his words awkward. Do you want to? he asked, and then immediately laughed as if it were a joke.

Hongjoong’s answer was the same back then, and it remains the same today, even though Yunho no longer shows the same inexperience and shyness he used to.

“No,” Hongjoong answers, his dick very hard inside his underwear.

Yunho sighs and sits up on the bed with his feet on the floor. He has been working out; the muscles in his back ripple when he stretches to grab the shirt he left on the nightstand last night.

“I really need to piss,” Yunho repeats as he zips up his pants. “I’ll meet you upstairs.”

Hongjoong closes his eyes and refuses to touch his own dick, even though his erection hasn’t gone away.

-

At the office, after eating homemade rice and kimchi for lunch, Hongjoong opens Instagram, and the first post is from Seonghwa.

He looks at it. Taps his fingernails against the wood of his office desk. Watches the drops of water on his shoulders, the tone of his skin, the way he looks at the camera. 

He locks his phone and goes back to work.

-

On Hongjoong’s birthday, he celebrates with Mingi and Yunho. They have dinner at a nice restaurant, drink expensive wine, and go home to watch Pride and Prejudice because it’s the first recommendation Netflix shows them when they open the app on the TV.

Later, Mingi and Yunho fall asleep cuddled up together on the couch. Hongjoong watches them for several long seconds before going to his own bedroom.

When he lies down in bed, there is a message from Seonghwa waiting for him in his Instagram DMs.

@_starhwa_: Yunho made a very sweet post and I found out it’s your birthday today
@_starhwa_: So happy birthday, Hongjoong-ssi 😘

Hongjoong stares at the kissing face emoji and doesn’t know what to think. They aren’t close enough for that, right? Why does Seonghwa keep acting as if they are more intimate than they actually are?

@no1likeme8_8: Thank you, Seonghwa-ssi

Hongjoong stares at his phone screen after sending the message. Was he too dry? Should he say something else?

The message is marked as read, and immediately the typing bubbles appear.

@_starhwa_: How did you celebrate?

Another mundane conversation, like when they briefly talked about automatic cars and the environment. He has never had a deep conversation with Seonghwa, but he barely has deep conversations with other people either. He likes to compartmentalize his feelings and analyze them on his own when there is no longer any way to avoid dealing with them. 

@no1likeme8_8: I had dinner with Yunho and Mingi
@no1likeme8_8: You met Mingi at the launch. He went to the store

@_starhwa_: Ah, Mingi-ssi! He seems nice! :)
@_starhwa_: How does a man like you manage to make nice friends like Mingi and Yunho?

Hongjoong realizes he is smiling, even though it’s clearly a veiled insult. Seonghwa has said several times that he finds him boring, and that’s fine. Hongjoong can’t even bring himself to be offended anymore.

@no1likeme8_8: You should message them and ask

@_starhwa_: They’re not the ones having a birthday today. Besides, don’t you know we have to suck up to our bosses to get perks?

@no1likeme8_8: First, I’m not your boss
@no1likeme8_8: Second, you won’t get anything by sucking up to me

@_starhwa_: Maybe reverse psychology will work on you, then
@_starhwa_: If I’m mean to you, maybe you’ll give me perks? 😘

There was the emoji again. What exactly did it mean? An affectionate kiss? A provocation? He knows Seonghwa likes men, but he is even if Hongjoong were hypothetically interested… It was much more likely he would flirt with Yunho or Mingi.

It’s possible that Seonghwa openly flirts with other people all the time. Maybe he just wants to annoy Hongjoong or create some kind of friendship in a twisted way.

As an adult, Mingi was the only person who entered his personal circle, mainly because he first became friends with Yunho and then became friends with Hongjoong simply because there was no other option when he was always around. 

Hongjoong doesn’t know how to interpret what is happening.

And, really, there is only one possible question:

@no1likeme8_8: What kind of perks could I give you?

Seonghwa reads the message immediately, but this time he takes a little longer. A full minute passes before the typing bubble appears again.

@_starhwa_: To start, you could tell me what you thought of the last photo I sent you

@no1likeme8_8: My personal opinion won’t bring you any professional benefits

@_starhwa_: If you’re always this rigid, I’m not surprised you’re single
@_starhwa_: You probably scare the “girls” away

The fact that the word girls is in quotation marks makes a lightbulb go off in Hongjoong’s head. As if Seonghwa is telling a joke only he knows. An inside joke he is sharing with Hongjoong, even though Hongjoong wasn’t let in on it. 

Hongjoong feels an unexpected urge to defend himself. Usually, he doesn’t care about people’s opinions, but… ugh, Hongjoong should end the conversation there. And yet…

@no1likeme8_8: I don’t talk to girls the same way I talk to you

@_starhwa_: Ohhh?
@_starhwa_: Now you’ve got me curious
@_starhwa_: Hongjoong-oppa 🧍🏻‍♀️ how would you talk to me if I were a girl?

Hongjoong stares at the chat, partly shocked, partly amused by how absurd it is. 

@no1likeme8_8: I wouldn’t date a girl with such ugly feet

Hongjoong sighs. It isn’t true. He doesn’t care about feet, and generally doesn’t care much about the appearance of the girls he dates either. Of course, being good-looking is a bonus, but he is more concerned with other things. He knows beauty is fleeting, and he is looking for someone to share his life with.

@_starhwa_: Are you really that superficial?
@_starhwa_: Or is it a specific fetish? Do you have a thing for feet?

@no1likeme8_8: What if I do?

@_starhwa_: It’s a cute fetish, who am I to judge? 😘
@_starhwa_: My main source of income these days is talking about my experiences with sex toys, you’re in a safe space

Seonghwa’s TikTok videos are so un-erotic that most of the time Hongjoong forgets that’s what the content is about. 

@no1likeme8_8: Oh, good for me, I guess

Seonghwa starts typing immediately.

@_starhwa_: What else do you like?

Hongjoong stares at the message, lying in bed, and slightly furrows his brows. He doesn’t know where the conversation is going, but it seems like an unexpected direction considering it started out as nothing more than birthday wishes.

@no1likeme8_8: I don’t think this conversation is appropriate

@_starhwa_: Hongjoong-oppa, I’m a pretty girl you’re flirting with. Remember that 🧍🏻‍♀️

@no1likeme8_8: You’re not

@_starhwa_: I’m not pretty?

@no1likeme8_8: You’re not a girl

Hongjoong pulls the blanket over himself. But the room is a little warm, so he turns the air conditioning down. 

Yunho and Mingi are silent, probably still asleep on the couch. Maybe Hongjoong should have asked one of them to sleep in bed with him, but the last time he shared a bed with Yunho had ended strangely, and he can’t imagine sharing a bed with Mingi. 

@_starhwa_: Am I pretty? 💔

Hongjoong reads the message immediately and continues staring at his phone screen for several long seconds. He should end the conversation right then.

When Hongjoong and Yunho are in an intimate situation and Hongjoong says no, Yunho ends things as if nothing happened. He doesn’t insist. He never has. Seonghwa, on the other hand, is different. He doesn’t seem to care when Hongjoong says no. Maybe if Hongjoong is firm… Or he could simply stop replying.

Hongjoong can block him. That would be the right thing to do. If they need to talk about work, Seonghwa can come to the office in person or send an email. There is no reason to continue that conversation.

Hongjoong can put an end to it whenever he wants.

But he starts replying before he realizes what he is doing.

@no1likeme8_8: You know you’re handsome.

@_starhwa_: 😳❤️‍🔥😘

More emojis. It’s too late for Hongjoong to try to interpret what they mean. They’ve already gone too far.

He decides to end the conversation, but then his phone vibrates again, and Seonghwa’s new message is a photo.

@_starhwa_:

Oh… Hongjoong stares at the photo. Somehow, the photo is a thousand times worse than the one of Seonghwa wearing lingerie. He doesn’t know what it means, but he feels his heart pounding in his chest.

The heart-shaped hairstyle seems far too specific not to have been intentional. It’s so strangely cute that Hongjoong smiles.

And then he realizes, not without surprise, that he likes Seonghwa.

@_starhwa_: You should give me your number

Hongjoong gives up trying to deny Seonghwa anything and sends him his phone number.

Less than a minute later, he gets a message.

[Unknown Number]:
How are you going to save my contact,
Hongjoong-oppa?

Hongjoong:
Who are you?

Seonghwa-ssi:
Your pretty girl!

Hongjoong:
Is this a fetish for you?

Seonghwa-ssi:
Feminization?
I’ve actually never tried it, but no

Hongjoong:
You could have fooled me

Seonghwa-ssi:
But if you want to know what gets my engine running,
I can tell you

Who talks like that? It’s ridiculous. But Hongjoong hesitates. He licks his lips, swallows hard, and looks at the time. It’s already past 1 a.m. He should sleep because he plans to wake up early to go to the gym. And it’s not like that silly conversation with Seonghwa is important.

And he doesn’t want to know what gets Seonghwa’s engine running or anything like that. How ridiculous.

Hongjoong:
I can just go to your TikTok
and watch your videos

Seonghwa-ssi:
You can’t!
I do reviews, but it’s never really personal there

Hongjoong is feeling lighter after a good day with his friends and realizes he has completely lost control of the situation when he types. 

Hongjoong:
Fine!
Then tell me

Seonghwa-ssi:
I’ll just create a hypothetical scenario, okay?
Any resemblance to reality
is purely coincidental 😘

That makes Hongjoong’s stomach twist because somehow he already knows what’s coming. He doesn’t even know how he ended up in this situation. At what point did this conversation between them go off the rails? At what point did it become… this?

He doesn’t even reply because Seonghwa’s typing bubble appears on the screen. He types, and types, and types.

Then:

Seonghwa-ssi:
I’m going to a meeting with my boss
who is unusually tense
He looks handsome in his impeccable clothes
He always dresses well at work.
He has a very organized office,
with a diploma on the wall and everything!
You should see it, Hongjoong.
He’s very meticulous.
He smells so good
When I walk in,
he seems a little angry with me,
as if my mere presence irritates him,
even though I haven’t done anything :(
he’s just mean like that

Hongjoong doesn’t know what to say. Of everything he expected, he isn’t sure if he expected something like this. He has a nagging feeling that Seonghwa is talking about him in this hypothetical scenario that has nothing to do with reality, but at the same time, he is curious. 

It’s like going over the same scene again, but from Seonghwa’s perspective.

Hongjoong:
You might have interrupted something important
And is that what gets your engine running? An angry boss?

Seonghwa-ssi:
I think men who are a little angry are exciting
Anyway…
so I walk into the office,
but I’m wearing red lace lingerie
underneath my work clothes,
and a beautiful anal plug
It’s exciting to be like this in his presence,
and he has no idea.
So I sit on the desk in front of him and
try not to moan when I feel that delicious
plug burying itself even deeper inside me

Fuck. As Hongjoong reads, he can’t believe it. This is… strangely explicit. His body reacts immediately, so quickly that it feels like all the blood leaves his head and goes straight to his dick.

He doesn’t know what to think. His throat feels dry as he reads it again. He needs to say something, but… they’re crossing every line.

They should go back to safer territory. 

Hongjoong:
It’s not very professional of you
to go to work like that

Seonghwa-ssi:
That’s why it’s only a hypothetical scenario,
remember?

Hongjoong:
I remember, of course

Seonghwa-ssi:
Then, in this hypothetical scenario,
my boss keeps talking to me in an
extremely professional manner.
On one hand, it’s frustrating, you know?
He’s a very handsome man,
but he acts like an old man.
But at the same time, that’s
strangely charming.
While he talks to me, I feel
an unspoken sexual tension between us 

There’s nothing particularly explicit this time, but Hongjoong still feels a kind of electric tension. Anticipation hums beneath his skin as he calmly reads every word.

Hongjoong:
If your imaginary boss seems annoyed
with you and talks to you professionally,
how is it possible to have any kind of sexual tension?

Seonghwa-ssi:
There are things you can’t
explain with words, Hongjoong-ssi
It’s simply the way this boss looks at me

Hongjoong:
Maybe you’re
simply projecting

Seonghwa-ssi:
It’s a hypothetical scenario, right?
I have poetic license
And you keep interrupting
with things that aren’t important 

Hongjoong:
Then please,
continue your story

Seonghwa-ssi:
So we’re talking about work.
While he talks, I keep feeling the plug
inside me. I want him to know
that I’m wearing something pretty underneath my clothes.
He deserves to know because I put it on thinking about him.
I want to show off for him. I want him to see
how good the lingerie looks on me.

Hongjoong remembers when Seonghwa came to his office and said he was wearing the lingerie while they talked. 

Back then, Hongjoong explained that he started the sex-toy company because he had experience using them on other people.

Was there tension between them back then?

Hongjoong:
So are you going to tell him?

Seonghwa-ssi:
Do you think I should tell him?

Hongjoong:
It’s your fantasy
Like you said, you have poetic license

Seonghwa-ssi:
Then yes, I do 

Hongjoong:
Okay. And what does your boss say?

Seonghwa-ssi:
Nothing

Hongjoong:
Oh

Ah. Hongjoong is caught off guard by the anticlimax for a few seconds. 

Seonghwa-ssi:
Frustrating, right?

Hongjoong furrows his brows as he tries to remember that day. He remembers exactly when Seonghwa said he was wearing lingerie, but he can’t remember what he said to him in response.

Even if it’s only a hypothetical scenario.

Hongjoong:
I guess so

Seonghwa-ssi:
Deep down, I hope he asks to see

Hongjoong:
You’re at work

Seonghwa-ssi:
And wouldn’t that be exciting?
I would take off my clothes, leaving me in nothing
but a beautiful lace panty in his office
If he asked me to, of course

Hongjoong’s stomach tightens with excitement. He feels his balls growing heavy and shifts beneath the blanket. It’s only a hypothetical scenario, nothing is really happening. The hypothetical scenario gives them cover, and they haven’t crossed any lines yet. 

Hongjoong shouldn’t continue. They are getting too close to reality. Hongjoong knows, objectively, that they are going in circles. Seonghwa is smart enough to find a way to tease him without actually placing him in the scenario. 

Even knowing all of that, Hongjoong can’t stand the idea of not replying. Suddenly, he is morbidly curious.

Hongjoong:
It’s too risky

Seonghwa-ssi:
You and my imaginary boss are alike
You’re both equally prudish

Hongjoong swallows, then takes a deep breath. He is aroused now, and making decisions while horny is never a good idea. However…

Hongjoong:
What if your boss asks to see?

Seonghwa-ssi:
In a hypothetical scenario?

Hongjoong:
Obviously

When Seonghwa’s typing bubbles appear, tension runs through Hongjoong’s entire body. He types for a while, stops for a few seconds, then starts typing again.

Seonghwa-ssi:
Then I obey. I take off all my
clothes and approach him
from the other side of the desk, wearing only lingerie.
It’s red, with lace, and it doesn’t hide my
hard cock. My boss keeps
looking at me that way, you know?
I told you there’s tension between the two of us.

Then more messages arrive in quick succession:

Seonghwa-ssi:
Then I let him look
I turn around
so he can see how beautiful the lingerie looks from behind
I want him to see my ass

God fucking damn it.

This is too much. This is definitely crossing a line. Hongjoong feels his hard dick pulse and has to consciously fight the urge to touch himself. It’s beyond frustrating. The urge is… almost unbearable. 

He has a lifetime of sexual frustration behind him, and Seonghwa is like a fucking wet dream.

He is lost. He barely has any control over what he is doing, and that scares him. He likes being in control.

Hongjoong:
Aren’t you afraid of your boss seeing your anal plug?

Seonghwa-ssi:
Actually, I’m looking forward to him seeing it
I want him to know how dirty I am
I want him to know I’m ready
Open and wet
That if he wants, all he has to do is pull the plug out of me and…

Hongjoong waits, breathless and hard, but Seonghwa doesn’t continue. 

He shouldn’t show that he’s hooked, that he’s curious, but he can’t help it. He has lost himself in the fantasy. He’s too deep to turn back. 

Hongjoong:
And?

Seonghwa-ssi:
What do you think he would do, Hongjoong-ssi?
You know this kind of prudish man better

Oh, fuck. It’s frustrating, Hongjoong thinks, that Seonghwa is trying to make him actively participate in the fantasy, because that would be a point of no return. So far, he has been an almost passive observer of the whole situation, but answering that question is too much.

He feels the frustration almost as physical pain. His dick hurts from how hard he is, so hard that even the pressure of his clothes is too much. He wants Seonghwa to continue, to be as explicit as he wants, but he can’t participate.

He doesn’t want this. He doesn’t want Seonghwa. He doesn’t want Yunho or Mingi. He has kept himself distant from this for so many years that now it’s like armor.

Hongjoong:
I wouldn’t have let things go this far
in a professional setting
So you and your boss aren’t the same

Distance. That’s what he needs to create. He needs to distance himself from this hypothetical scenario because he is right. Hongjoong never would have gone this far. He has no way of saying what the hypothetical boss would do because Hongjoong would never allow someone to stand in his office in lingerie with the risk of being interrupted at any moment.

Seonghwa-ssi:
That’s why it’s a fantasy
They aren’t always possible, they’re just…
things that turn you on, I guess

Hongjoong feels like he killed the mood, and that’s okay. That’s good. They should go somewhere safer.

He scrolls up through the conversation to reread what they said, and it all still feels a little like an unrealistic dream. He isn’t used to sexting, but everything Seonghwa wrote feels different from what Hongjoong imagines sexting to be. It’s very specific and detailed. There are so many words.

Hongjoong:
You should write a book

Seonghwa-ssi:
I already did!

That surprises Hongjoong more than all the dirty talk.

Hongjoong:
An erotic book?

Seonghwa-ssi:
No, silly lol
I wrote a poetry book :)
You can buy it on Amazon if you want

Then he sends him a link. Hongjoong clicks it and is directed to the website. He buys it without hesitation, with his card information already saved.

Seonghwa, who has a TikTok account where he reviews erotic products. Seonghwa, who has a degree in Fashion and is very good at professional presentations. Seonghwa, who writes poetry.

As Hongjoong keeps discovering new things about him, he realizes how uninteresting he himself is. Even after all the absurd interaction that night, he realizes he was actually right when he said Seonghwa was out of his league. 

Seonghwa is probably just bored.

That realization should make him feel relieved, but it doesn’t. He feels like he got lost somewhere along the way, and he can’t even say where.

Frustrated and still very aroused, Hongjoong says goodbye to Seonghwa quickly and puts his phone on silent, screen facing down.

It takes him a while to fall asleep.

-

Hongjoong meets a new woman on Tinder.

He knows there are some other dating apps that are better, but he is already familiar with Tinder’s interface  and can’t imagine filling out another profile without feeling pathetic.

This time, he makes sure to remember her name: Sooyoung.

On their first date, Sooyoung invites him to a park downtown, and they eat sushi and then get ice cream. She speaks three languages, is only twenty-three, a little younger than Hongjoong prefers, but she has already graduated and works translating subtitles for Netflix movies, which Hongjoong thinks is really cool.

Like most people her age, she loves social media and has a YouTube account where she posts lifestyle and makeup videos. Hongjoong watches two videos and he immediately knows she’s good at what she does and posts frequently. Even though it’s a small account, it’s already big enough to be monetized. 

On their second date, Hongjoong goes down on her, and she looks surprised when it’s over, her legs shaky and her hair stuck to her temples with sweat.

“Wow, that was…” she begins, her voice breathy as she widens her eyes slightly, genuinely impressed. “Like, that was the best oral sex ever.”

She is so impressed and satisfied that she doesn’t even notice that Hongjoong never got hard. 

-

Four days after Hongjoong’s birthday, it’s Pepero Day.

He received Pepero from practically every employee, and his desk is covered in them.

“I’d sleep with Changbin,” Yunho says as he stares at the special Stray Kids package. “Actually, I’d probably sleep with all of them.”

“It would be easier for you to name the people you wouldn’t sleep with,” Hongjoong muses, pulling the Changbin box out of Yunho’s hands when he makes a move to open it. “And this is mine.”

“Hey, you have a bunch!”

“So?”

Yunho walks away, annoyed. Hongjoong puts all the gifts in the bottom drawer, knowing he probably won’t eat them, and then leaves the office in search of coffee.

But after taking two steps toward the coffee machine, he hears Seonghwa’s unmistakable voice.

“I finally found you,” he says.

Hongjoong turns to face him.

Sometimes, when he thinks about Seonghwa, he imagines he exaggerated a little in his own mind and that he isn’t actually that handsome. He has his Instagram photos, but most people look much better on social media. He can count on one hand the number of times he has met Seonghwa in person.

But no. He is very handsome, and it’s more than that. It’s his presence, the way he dresses, the way he carries himself. He is also taller than Hongjoong and always wears shoes that add a few extra centimeters to his height. 

Hongjoong has to tilt his head up slightly to look at his face.

“Were you looking for me?”

“Yes,” he says, his smile growing. “I brought gifts for everyone.”

Seonghwa holds out a box of Pepero. 

“Oh.” Hongjoong accepts it with both hands. “That’s… very kind of you. Thank you.”

“I bought the original flavor since I don’t know which one you prefer.”

Hongjoong looks at the box. It isn’t the Stray Kids version, but the original red box. He presses his fingers against the packaging and pulls it closer to himself. 

“Sorry, I didn’t buy one for you.”

Seonghwa dismisses the comment with a wave of his hand. “You didn’t know I was coming.”

Hongjoong doesn’t know what else to say, so the two of them simply stare at each other. The corners of Seonghwa’s lips are still curved upward. Hongjoong shifts, then nods toward the coffee machine.

“I’m going to—”

“Of course.”

Seonghwa follows him there. Hongjoong fills his own cup and holds it with the hand that isn’t holding the Pepero.

“About your collection, we’re selling well mainly online,” Hongjoong says, trying to break the uncomfortable silence a little. Talking about work seems like the best option. “Men feel safer that way, I think.”

“The feedback has been great too,” Seonghwa adds. “95% of the reviews on the website are positive, and most of the rest are complaints about delivery delays.”

Hongjoong nods and takes a long sip of coffee. It tastes terrible, but he’s already gotten used to it. And it’s nice to have something to do instead of just awkwardly hovering in front of Seonghwa without knowing what to do with his hands.

“You and Yunho were right,” Hongjoong finally says. “There’s a market for this kind of product. The costs have paid for themselves, and we’re already making a profit.”

Seonghwa’s smile grows once again, his face lighting up as if Hongjoong had given him a huge compliment instead of simply stating facts.

“I’m already looking forward to our next launch. I’ve already started making some sketches. I want to be a little bolder now that we’ve already played it safe… maybe some more fetish-oriented pieces—” Seonghwa abruptly stops, and Hongjoong feels his face grow warm. “I mean, if we have a second launch…”

Hongjoong can’t think of any reason why they wouldn’t launch a new clothing line. The numbers were good enough to justify continuing.

“We can definitely schedule another meeting soon to talk about it.”

After finishing his coffee, Hongjoong has no reason to stay there, and he isn’t very surprised when Seonghwa follows him to his office. He doesn’t even ask for permission, just closes the door behind him, and the two of them are left alone in the room.

The same room where Seonghwa’s fantasy had played out, Hongjoong thinks irrationally, and then remembers that no. The boss in that fantasy wasn’t Hongjoong, and this definitely isn’t the same room.

“Hongjoong-ssi,” Seonghwa seems more at ease now that they’re alone and steps closer. He steals the box of Pepero from his hands. “You need something sweet to get the taste of that terrible coffee out of your mouth.” 

“It’s not that bad.”

“It’s horrible,” Seonghwa says as he opens the box. Inside, the sweets are kept in a golden wrapper. “You should pay your employees hazard pay. First, they have to put up with a grumpy boss. Second, you don’t even offer good coffee. It must be horrible working for you.”

“Then it’s a good thing I’m not your boss,” he says slowly, and the words seem to carry more weight than they should.

Seonghwa takes a Pepero. He brings it to his mouth, but instead of biting it, he just leaves it there. Then he takes another one and offers it to Hongjoong.

Since Seonghwa is holding the Pepero by the uncoated end, Hongjoong ends up taking the chocolate-covered end. The chocolate begins to melt against the heat of his fingers almost immediately.

“I’d like that,” Seonghwa says, finally biting the Pepero. He finishes it in just two bites, and Hongjoong follows suit.

After the bitter coffee, the taste seems excessively sweet.

“Like what?”

Seonghwa smiles, but this time it’s a little different. Less open, almost shy. He looks closely at Hongjoong before answering. “That you were my boss, you know?”

He remembers what happened between Seonghwa and his boss in that fantasy, and feels his face grow warm, along with an almost unexpected spark of excitement. 

“You just complained about me,” he reminds him. “Are you a masochist or something?”

Seonghwa laughs. “Something like that.”

There is a smear of chocolate at the corner of his mouth.

“Your mouth, uh—”

“Oh.” Seonghwa tries to wipe it, but misses the spot. “My dad always says I look like a child when I eat.”

Without thinking much, Hongjoong raises his hand and tries to wipe the corner of his mouth, but forgets that his own finger is also stained with chocolate and ends up making it worse. “Oh, sorry, I—”

“Hey, it’s okay.” Seonghwa grabs Hongjoong’s wrist when he tries to pull away. Then he says, almost affectionately: “You’re such a mess.” 

As if it were nothing, Seonghwa puts Hongjoong’s thumb in his mouth. He runs his tongue over the skin, cleaning away every trace of chocolate, his eyes fixed on him.

Hongjoong freezes. He feels his stomach tighten, his pulse pounding. He parts his lips to say something, but can only let out a breath of air. Seonghwa lightly nibbles on his finger, in a way that may be meant to be playful, but it is the most arousing experience Hongjoong has ever had.

He has slept with many girls, but he has never felt like this. He is transfixed by the scene. He swallows hard and, without thinking clearly, pushes his thumb a little deeper into Seonghwa’s mouth and rubs his finger against his tongue.

Seonghwa makes a sound that could be surprise or anything else, closes his lips around it, and sucks, his pupils slightly dilated. It is so, so hot, almost unbearably so. It is obscene.

Hongjoong feels his dick harden all at once, heavy against the fabric of his pants. For a second, he can’t move.

They are in a fucking office. This kind of behavior is unacceptable.

“I—” Hongjoong tries to say, but has to clear his throat when his voice comes out hoarse. Not without hesitation, he pulls his finger from Seonghwa’s mouth and watches as they remain connected by a strand of saliva. “Sorry, that was—”

“It’s okay,” Seonghwa reassures him. “I should leave.”

“You should.”

Seonghwa still has a smear of chocolate at the corner of his lips. With the same finger that was just inside his mouth, Hongjoong wipes it away. Then, in an automatic gesture, he licks his thumb clean. It is still wet with saliva.

Seonghwa’s eyes darken, and they stare at each other for a few brief seconds.

“I should leave,” Seonghwa repeats almost reflexively. “It was good seeing you, Hongjoong. Don’t forget to schedule that meeting.”

Hongjoong, so aroused that he can barely process the words, simply nods. Seonghwa hesitates, looks at his face, then leaves the box of Pepero on the desk, on top of some receipts.

Hongjoong wants to say something, but he can’t think of anything intelligent to say.

He watches him leave in silence.

-

Later, when he is curled up in bed, alone in his apartment, his phone vibrates on the nightstand. He knows it’s Seonghwa before he even looks, like some macabre kind of intuition, because he has been thinking about him all day.

It feels like something is hanging in the air, just waiting for something to happen. 

Seonghwa-ssi:
My book received a really lovely review on Amazon

Hongjoong feels the tightness in his chest when he thinks about how he wrote that review with his heart on the line. The book is short, and he has already read it twice.

Even though he isn’t a fan of poetry, he knows it’s good.

Hongjoong:
Soon you won’t be able to go outside
without being mobbed by fans 

Seonghwa-ssi:
Will you be one of them? 😎
I created a fantasy story just for you

The mention of that night makes Hongjoong’s stomach burn. He can barely breathe just thinking about it. 

Hongjoong:
Of course
you need to autograph my copy
the next time you come to the office

Seonghwa-ssi:
You can sell it on eBay
when I get really famous

Hongjoong:
Maybe

Seonghwa reads the message and the typing bubble appears, but disappears almost immediately. He stays silent and time drags on. It takes forever before he starts typing again.

Seonghwa-ssi:
Should I tell you a bedtime story?

Ah. Hongjoong’s heart starts beating faster, and he has to push the blanket away when he starts getting hot.

He should say no—

Hongjoong:
Yes. Why not?

Seonghwa-ssi:
Remember, it’s all a hypothetical scenario, okay? 😘

Seonghwa-ssi:
Since today is 11/11, I decide to bring Pepero
to my grumpy boss,
because maybe that will improve his mood :)
sweets tend to have that effect

When he reads the mention of Pepero, Hongjoong starts to worry about where this conversation might end up.

Hongjoong:
Makes sense

Seonghwa-ssi:
So I give it to him, and he thanks me.
But he has nothing to give me in return :(

Hongjoong:
That’s sad

Seonghwa-ssi:
I know!
He looks tired, like he’s
working too much. He always works too much.
He owns the company, so the responsibility
is always doubled for him.
He needs a break,
and above all, he needs to relax a little

Hongjoong:
If he has so many responsibilities,
he’s hardly going to allow himself to rest
in the middle of the workday

Seonghwa-ssi:
Yes, you’re right
But if he didn’t give me anything,
at least he could give me his time. 

Hongjoong hesitates. Time is money, as they say. But he doesn’t think that’s what Seonghwa wants to hear.

Hongjoong:
Yeah, I guess so

Seonghwa-ssi:
Now that we know he’s
worried about getting caught, I lock the office door

Hongjoong:
Your boss is definitely going to find that suspicious

Seonghwa-ssi:
Maybe, but you know what can relax a tense man
more than something sweet? 

Hongjoong:
What?

Seonghwa-ssi:
Coming so fucking hard 

Oh, fuck. Hongjoong knows what was coming, but the way his body reacts is still shocking. He rolls his hips against nothing, still without touching himself. He is so hard it’s almost unbelievable.

Hongjoong:
Public sex seems to be what gets your engine running pretty often

Seonghwa-ssi:
It’s exciting
Imagine if someone shows up for a meeting
while I’m kneeling between his legs?

Hongjoong has been thinking about oral sex all day. It’s impossible not to think about it after watching Seonghwa suck his finger. His mouth… The way he kept staring directly at Hongjoong… He can imagine the scene perfectly.

Hongjoong:
That would be inappropriate

Seonghwa-ssi:
But he gets hard before I even do anything
Just from seeing me kneeling
I really want to see his cock, know its size, its taste

Hongjoong swallows hard. He has to bring his hand to his dick and squeeze it just to relieve some of the tension because the pain is almost unbearable. He is sweating now, his fingers trembling as he holds the phone.

They are crossing every line.

Hongjoong doesn’t reply because he doesn’t know what to say. He doesn’t want to encourage the behavior, but he doesn’t want him to stop either. He convinces himself that it’s okay just to read… as long as he doesn’t reply. As long as he doesn’t actually participate.

One minute passes. Then another.

Seonghwa starts typing again.

Seonghwa-ssi:
Do you think he’s going to show me his cock?

Yes. No. Seonghwa wants Hongjoong to be an active participant again.

Hongjoong:
I don’t know

Seonghwa-ssi:
I want him to use my mouth

God. This is… Hongjoong moans, a low, embarrassed sound. He has spent so many years holding himself back, but Seonghwa doesn’t know when to stop. He keeps pushing, and this is—

It’s too much. But it’s also not enough. If Hongjoong doesn’t give in, Seonghwa will probably stop like last time, and they’ll go back to neutral ground. That’s what he should want, but his hard dick says otherwise.

Hongjoong prides himself on not making rash decisions because he’s horny, but it’s easy to act that way with women. He isn’t sexually attracted to them. He has never allowed himself to go this far with another man, and he didn’t expect it to be so difficult to resist.

He holds his phone and types.

Hongjoong:
Your mouth is so hot

He remembers. He remembers perfectly how wet and hot it was.

Seonghwa-ssi:
Yes?
My throat is even hotter

Ah. Jesus. This is… holy fucking shit. Hongjoong moans again, frustrated, aroused, and terribly pissed off because he hates losing control.

Hongjoong:
I want to pull my cock out
and rub it all over your pretty face

Blinded by lust, Hongjoong only realizes he spoke in the first person when the message shows as read. He is so aroused that he can barely bring himself to care. 

Seonghwa-ssi:
You can slap your cock against my
tongue or my face, I’ll stay
kneeling for you to use me however you want

Hongjoong:
Fuck Seonghwa
You’re such a slut

Seonghwa-ssi:
I put a plug in as soon
as I got home
I got so horny that
I needed something inside me

Hongjoong closes his eyes for a few seconds. 

Hongjoong:
And what the fuck am I supposed to do with that information?

Seonghwa-ssi:
You can imagine me
I’m lying face down on the bed right now
You could pull the plug out and fuck me
I’m so open and wet, all ready for you
Fuck
Just thinking about it drives me crazy
You using me however you want

As the messages come in, Hongjoong feels electric shocks running down his spine. He has never felt anything like this before. It’s the kind of conversation he has never had with anyone else.

Hongjoong imitates Seonghwa’s position and turns onto his stomach. The pressure of the mattress against his hard dick is almost too much.

Hongjoong:
I won’t be able to be gentle

Seonghwa-ssi:
I don’t want that
I want to cry on your cock

Seonghwa is so… so dirty. This definitely isn’t a hypothetical scenario anymore. Hongjoong remembers the sweet smiles and teasing eyes, but this is pure obscenity. A side of him he never expected to discover.

Hongjoong thrusts his hips against the mattress, as if he were actually fucking Seonghwa’s hole. It feels good, but it isn’t enough.

Seonghwa-ssi:
Talk to me

Hongjoong:
I don’t know what to say

Hongjoong waits as if time were suspended, then another message arrives:

Seonghwa-ssi:
Is your cock hard?

Of all things, the question almost sounds innocent coming from Seonghwa. Hongjoong exhales forcefully and keeps his hips still.

Hongjoong:
Yes

Seonghwa-ssi:
Fuck

There is a pause in the conversation, and Hongjoong waits expectantly. He scrolls up through the conversation and feels embarrassed seeing the things he sent. When did the conversation stop being about a hypothetical scenario and become about the two of them?

A new message arrives.

Seonghwa-ssi:
I came so hard

Hongjoong’s dick trembles in sympathy. He still feels the arousal coursing through him, and he doesn’t want to imagine Seonghwa coming with a plug buried in his hole. It’s too much. Simply too much to deal with at that moment.

Hongjoong:
That’s good

Seonghwa-ssi:
And you?

Hongjoong:
No

Seonghwa-ssi:
I can come to your place if you want
You can come in my mouth
Or in my hole

Hongjoong has to close his eyes. He bites down on the pillow to muffle an embarrassing sound, and his balls throb. He has never been this hard in his life.

He can’t even imagine Seonghwa talking so crudely in real life. He can’t imagine those words coming out of his mouth.

He thinks about Yunho, about when they slept in the basement, in a single bed, and Yunho held his own dick out like an offering.

Do you want to?

Hongjoong did. Just like he wants Seonghwa.

But he made a decision. He should have known better than to lose his head because he was horny. He isn’t a kid anymore, for fuck’s sake.

He is thirty-one years old.

Hongjoong:
We shouldn’t have done this

Seonghwa-ssi:
You didn’t like it?

I’m seeing someone, Hongjoong thinks about saying. That would be the right thing. It isn’t a lie because he is, in fact, seeing Sooyoung. They already have another date planned.

But he doesn’t want to use Sooyoung as an excuse when she isn’t one. She isn’t the reason.

Hongjoong:
I don’t get involved with men

Seonghwa-ssi:
From our conversation,
I got the impression you’re into men

But that isn’t the problem. Hongjoong didn’t say he doesn’t like men, only that he doesn’t get involved with them.

There is a difference, but he doesn’t expect Seonghwa to understand.

Hongjoong:
Thank you for the birthday wishes
Good night, Seonghwa.

Hongjoong turns off his mobile data so he doesn’t have to deal with Seonghwa’s response and buries his face in the pillow. 

-

Hongjoong has known he likes men for as long as he can remember. He doesn’t remember a time when he didn’t know.

Like every boy without internet access in the early 2000s, he used to admire shirtless men in movies and TV shows, and then he fell in love with Yunho without even realizing that was what was happening. One day, they were playing chess at the kitchen table in their mothers’ house, and the next, they were kissing in secret in the back of his father’s workshop.

Yunho and Hongjoong never gave a name to what they were doing, but they knew they weren’t supposed to talk about it with anyone else. They didn’t mention it to their parents, much less at school, and they didn’t even talk about it with each other.

They loved kissing. Hongjoong was beginning to discover what sexual desire was.

He was fourteen when he first talked to his father about it, because they were both men. Just like girls talked about menstruation with their mothers, he thought he should talk to his father about his first love.

“In love?” His father repeated. He dropped a grease-stained rag onto the Mustang he was restoring and looked straight into his eyes. “With Yunho?”

It had already been difficult to say it the first time, and Hongjoong couldn’t imagine saying it a second time, so he simply nodded.

“That’s your mother’s influence,” he said after letting out a long breath through his nose. He picked up the dirty rag again and twisted it. “Is that what you want for your future? To be like her?”

Hongjoong was young, but not too young to understand what his father meant. He didn’t want to say: You want to be like your mother? Gay? 

He meant: Do you want to be like your mother and spend your life being rejected by people? Spend your life having to fight for your rights? Do you want to be like your mother, who hasn’t spoken to her own mother in years because she doesn’t accept her for who she is? Do you want to be like your mother, who has been called names at the supermarket more than once? Do you want to be like your mother, who had trouble finding a job until she decided, out of necessity, to become a tattoo artist because it was the only way she could support her son when conventional jobs were out of the question?

Hongjoong suffered a lot of prejudice at school because of his dysfunctional family. Yunho was the only friend he made back then, partly because he shut himself off from other people. It was easier that way.

Besides, he loved his maternal grandmother very much. He had been too young to understand why his mother didn’t speak to her, but now he knew better.

“You know I’m not prejudiced,” his father continued after Hongjoong’s silence becomes too loud in the workshop. “You probably just got confused because Yunho is your only friend and you go to an all-boys school. I told your mother that was a bad idea.”

“It’s not—” Hongjoong tries to say, but his father interrupts him.

“I’ve been young before. I know how these things work.” His father pulls over a small stool and sits in front of Hongjoong. His expression is serious, but he doesn’t look angry. It is much better than anything Hongjoong expected from the conversation. “Listen, kid. At this age, our hormones are, like, explosive, right? It’s not unusual to feel this way. But you’re a man now. You’re not a child anymore.”

“I know. I’m a man.”

“You are,” he agrees. “So you need to face this like a man. Do you want this for your life? I want you to think about it carefully. Look at your mother’s life. Do you think she’s happy like this?”

Hongjoong thinks about his mother. Is she happy? It’s difficult to say because he doesn’t know how to explain what happiness is. Not everyone is happy all the time. His mother seems upset after experiencing some kind of prejudice, and she cries every Christmas. She still sends gifts to Hongjoong’s grandmother for every birthday. 

But she seems happy on quiet afternoons watching TV with Soojin. She seems happy when they cook as a family. She seems happy when she kisses Hongjoong’s forehead before bed and looks at him with pride.

“I don’t know. Maybe. Not always happy, but sometimes.”

“Why be happy sometimes when you can be happy all the time?”

His father’s argument probably has flaws, but Hongjoong doesn’t know how to point them out. Tears well up in his eyes, and he refuses to blink so they won’t fall.

“And then?” Hongjoong asks, looking for advice.

“Then be a responsible man. This is only going to complicate your life. A silly little crush now could dictate who you’ll be in the future. You need to decide now. Do you want to have a normal life, get married, and have children someday, or do you want to follow the same difficult path as your mother?”

Hongjoong doesn’t answer, but he understands what his father means, even if he expressed himself poorly. He doesn’t mean any harm. He didn’t finish school and almost always struggled to find the right words. 

He leaves and thinks.

-

When he met Yunho and they went to the movies, two days after the conversation with his father, Yunho tried again, but Hongjoong held his chin and simply shook his head. 

Hongjoong turns his head, and the kiss lands on his cheek instead.

They stare at each other in the dark. Yunho tries again, but Hongjoong holds his chin and simply shakes his head.

Yunho purses his lips slightly, seeming like he wants to say something, but he doesn’t insist. After that, Yunho never tries to kiss him again, and Hongjoong doesn’t make any more moves either.

Maybe if Yunho had insisted, Hongjoong wouldn’t have been able to say no a third time.

-

Whenever Hongjoong feels happy or sad, confused or worried, he goes to Yunho.  

“So,” after opening the beer, he sets the bottle in front of Hongjoong on the coffee table. “What’s wrong?”  

Hongjoong can’t look at Yunho when he sits down in the armchair across from the couch, so he stares at the wine stain Mingi left behind on the upholstery. His house is full of old furniture that doesn’t match, with no sense of organization whatsoever, but it feels like a home in a way Hongjoong’s apartment never has.  

“I fucked up,” he murmurs.  

“How badly?”  

“How am I supposed to measure something like that?”  

“Like, did you throw organic waste in the recycling? That would be a fuck-up, but it happens. Did you kill someone? That would definitely be a problem.”  

“I didn’t kill anyone,” Hongjoong reassures him.  

“Then what?” Yunho insists, leaning forward slightly.  

Hongjoong takes a long drink of his beer. It’s only his second day of being thirty-one, but he feels fourteen again.  

“I kind of sexted Seonghwa?”

A long silence stretches between them. Hongjoong watches Yunho’s face. He looks surprised for a second, but quickly hides it behind a contemplative expression.

“Why him?”

“Why not him?”

“Why not me?” Yunho shoots back. “And why do you think sexting was a fuck-up?”

Hongjoong doesn’t have an answer for that. He stares at the ring of condensation the beer bottle left on the coffee table and runs his fingers over it.

“I’m seeing a woman. Her name is Sooyoung.”

This time, Yunho sighs. He leans back in the armchair and rests his beer on his thigh.

“You know dating girls hasn’t been working out. I avoided talking about it because it’s your life, but… baby, maybe it’s time to face the truth.”

“I know I’m gay,” Hongjoong says out loud, perhaps for the first time in his entire life. Yunho’s eyes widen slightly, and he waits for him to continue. “That’s not the problem. I just chose not to be with men.”

Yunho shakes his head and looks thoughtful when he says, “I thought you were bi or something.”

“No. I’m not attracted to women. I just… I can’t give them what they want sexually.”

It’s as if everything clicks into place in Yunho’s mind as he lets out a small, prolonged “ah.” “So that’s it? They all dump you because you can’t get hard?” 

Hongjoong clenches his teeth for a few seconds, annoyed by the choice of words, but agrees with a nod.

“That sucks, for sure,” Yunho says sympathetically. “I never understood why you stopped seeing men, but I thought you were seeing men discreetly and didn’t want to tell me because you knew I was in love with you. I wasn’t exactly subtle about it.” 

Hongjoong’s chest aches. He rests his head against the back of the couch and stares at the ceiling because looking at Yunho right now is too much. There are cobwebs he’s never bothered to clean.

“I did too… Mhm, you were my first love.”

Hongjoong hears Yunho’s breathing quicken. He hears Yunho get up from the armchair and come sit beside him on the couch. Only then does Hongjoong force himself to look at him.

There is so much tenderness in Yunho’s expression as he gently strokes his jaw.

“I’m jealous,” he says honestly. “Was I your first and only experience with a guy before this sexting with Seonghwa?”

There’s no reason to lie.

“Yes.”

“Okay.” After a sigh, Yunho pulls him into a hug on the couch and returns to his earlier question. “Why? How did Seonghwa manage to make you break your gay celibacy?”

“Have you seen him?”

“He’s hot, for sure. But not hotter than me or Mingi.” Their fingers intertwine. When he speaks again, Yunho uses the voice of a romantic comedy voice actor: “What does he have that I don’t?” 

Hongjoong lets out a wet laugh.

“That’s not what this is about.”

“Then what is it?”

“You and I aren’t sexually compatible,” Hongjoong murmurs. He knows what Yunho likes in bed because he knows him well and has heard him talk openly about sex thousands of times. “Seonghwa and I are. Somehow, he seems to know exactly what I like. I always avoided that kind of contact, so it was easier to resist, y’know?”

“Ah.” Yunho’s fingers tremble slightly against his. “He’s, like, a sub? Like Mingi?”

“Not exactly, but yes? At the same time?” Confused, Hongjoong hates how vulnerable he feels. “And he kept insisting until I gave in. It’s different with him. I still don’t know him well enough. I wouldn’t say I’m in love or anything, but…”

The unspoken words seem to hang heavily in the air.

“But you think you could fall in love,” Yunho concludes.

“Yes,” Hongjoong admits. “It’s kind of scary, the way he makes me feel.”

“Crushes are scary.”

They stay silent for several minutes. Yunho buries his nose in Hongjoong’s hair and stays there as if it were his favorite place in the world.

“I’m really jealous now,” Yunho confesses in a whisper. “Do we have, like, a platonic relationship?”

“I don’t know. Do we?”

“Like, isn’t that what you call it when two people love each other but don’t fuck until they go stupid?”

“I think that might be the exact definition if you look up platonic in the dictionary,” Hongjoong agrees.

“I always thought you’d be a bottom. Like, sexually.”

Hongjoong furrows his brows.

“Why?”

“You don’t talk about sex. For someone who’s had so many girlfriends, you’ve always been kind of a prude. When we used to make out—”

“We were just kids—”

“You were never particularly dominant.”

“I barely knew what I was doing,” Hongjoong defends himself. “And it was just kissing.”

“Yeah.” Yunho laughs a little at that. He’s still smiling as he places a light kiss on Hongjoong’s lips. “Do you love me?” 

“I love you.”

He loves Yunho, yes. He has loved him his entire life. But it isn’t a crush, not in the same way it was when they were young.

Hongjoong isn’t a fourteen-year-old boy again, confessing his first love to his father. He knows there is still plenty of prejudice in the world, but it’s not like it used to be. There will always be a part of him that loves his childhood best friend.

He has Yunho, and his mothers, and Mingi, and maybe he’ll have Seonghwa one day. If he allows himself to explore that.

“I love you too, baby. I’m glad we talked about this.”

“I’m sorry if I hurt you.”

The words are difficult for Hongjoong. He never learned how to talk about feelings.

“Dude, you never hurt me. I was kind of pissed when you rejected me when we were young because I was horny as hell and didn’t know any other guys like us, but I got over it quickly.”

“Today you know plenty. Dude.”

“Phew.”

Hongjoong smiles a little, even though his heart still hurts. He knows the conversation with Yunho didn’t fix anything, but he feels lighter.

“Are you and Mingi dating?”

“Why would he and I be dating?”

“You kiss a lot,” Hongjoong murmurs.

“I like kissing.” 

Ever since he kissed Yunho, Hongjoong hasn’t been able to think of a single kiss he genuinely enjoyed. He’s been kissing girls since high school, and it has felt nice, but nothing more than that.

“But are you in love with him?”

“Of course I am.” Yunho’s voice is calm. His chest rises and falls as he breathes. “How could I not be?”

Hongjoong doesn’t even try to say anything else. He finishes his beer and asks for another, and then the two of them watch Dexter’s Laboratory.

-

Hongjoong throws himself into work because he has nothing better to do. He has always liked numbers and loves what he does. These days, he barely gets involved in the creative side of the company, only making sure to approve every product and being very strict about quality control. Professionally, he is exactly where he has always wanted to be.

He consistently watches the videos Seonghwa posts on TikTok. He thinks about sending him a message, but doesn’t. He deleted their conversation from his phone because he didn’t have the courage to reread anything he said when he was desperate with lust. It must have been a horror show, even if at the time it had felt almost dizzyingly good.

He keeps going out with Sooyoung out of habit, but makes sure not to let things get sexual again. She tells funny stories about her latest job subtitling a comedy movie, and Hongjoong listens, eats a hot dog, and speaks when he feels he needs to.

Mingi takes him to a restaurant. They drink expensive wine and talk about a criminal case the law firm he works at is handling. Mingi is big and tall, but acts like a giant teddy bear. Hongjoong loves that about him.

Hongjoong had a kind of gay sex over his phone and everything stayed the same. Surprisingly, life went on.

-

“You’re The Boss,” Yunho says when he talks to him about it, when they have lunch together at an overpriced restaurant in downtown Seoul. “You have your own apartment. You have a degree. Your mother would support you in anything, even if you killed someone. Your homophobic grandmothers are already dead.”

“I know,” Hongjoong agrees.

“If you decided to date a man tomorrow, your life would stay exactly the same. You have nothing to lose.”

It sounds practical, even if it’s much more complicated than that. Hongjoong knows there’s a part of him that has always fought against who he is.

“But my father—”

“Hongjoong, baby… Your father was forty when he got your teenage mother pregnant. He doesn’t deserve to be taken into consideration here under any circumstances. Who is he to dictate what’s right or wrong?”

Maybe… maybe Hongjoong can…

He tries not to think about it.

-

One day, some time after Sexting Day, Hongjoong runs into Seonghwa picking out vegetables at Emart.

He sees him first. Seonghwa is wearing sweatpants, slippers, and a shirt that says “Hello, Aliens” with a dinosaur on it. The shirt looks so worn that the design is almost faded from being washed so many times. Hongjoong notices his hair is tied back and that there are no earrings in his ears.

The toes sticking out of his slippers look just as ugly as the last time he saw them.

Hongjoong’s first instinct is to walk away and pretend he didn’t see him. It would be easy, since Seonghwa seems distracted picking out vegetables in his worn, comfortable clothes.

Hongjoong walks over. He stops beside him and starts looking at the onions.

“Hello,” he says.

Seonghwa lifts his head, and Hongjoong sees the exact moment he recognizes him. He smiles, and the smile is sincere, but restrained.

“Hongjoong-ssi.”

There’s no makeup on his face. He looks mundane, like any other man on a Saturday afternoon at a supermarket. He isn’t a runway model, nor a sexy secretary trying to seduce his boss.

Somehow, as absurd as it is, he looks much more handsome like this. That mundane side suits him.

Hongjoong picks three onions that look good enough. “How are you?”

“I’m good.” Seonghwa starts checking the cabbages. He weighs them in his hands and picks the smallest one available. “Tired. It’s been a rough week. How about you?”

“I’m good,” Hongjoong simply says.

After that, they have nothing to talk about. It’s easy to see that Hongjoong is terrible at this, and it quickly becomes very obvious that most of their conversations were carried by Seonghwa. When he doesn’t make conversation, the silence between them stretches until it becomes uncomfortable.

Seonghwa puts all the vegetables in his shopping basket.

“It was nice seeing you,” Seonghwa says, sounding very sincere. He keeps the same polite smile and walks away toward the cereal aisle.

Hongjoong stays in the same place for a few minutes and experiences the disappointment settle heavily in his stomach. 

-

Of course Seonghwa wasn’t going to keep insisting forever.

Hongjoong said, after all, that he doesn’t get involved with men. He has been implicitly rejecting Seonghwa for months.

A man like Seonghwa, intelligent, handsome, and successful, wouldn’t keep wasting his time on someone like Hongjoong. And that’s good. Hongjoong should be happy.

But the interaction at the supermarket continues to bother him for the rest of Saturday. He has a terrible night’s sleep and spends all of Sunday restless and anxious.

When he thinks he might explode if he doesn’t say something, he messages Seonghwa:

Hongjoong:
I want to apologize for
being super weird when
we texted last time

Weird might not be exactly the right word, but Hongjoong doesn’t know how to say it without exposing himself too much. Being under Seonghwa’s scrutiny has never been easy.

This is also the first time he initiates a text conversation with him. It has always been Seonghwa who has messaged him first. 

Surprisingly, he gets a reply three minutes later.

Seonghwa-ssi:
It’s okay, Hongjoong-ssi.
Let’s forget about it.

For some reason, the reply hurts. Seonghwa has always talked to him as if it were a pleasure, always so receptive and open. Now, looking at the message, he is stunned by how empty he feels.

Hongjoong let things go on for too long, and now he’ll have to face the consequences of his own decisions. Wasn’t this what he wanted from the beginning? Distance from Seonghwa?

He misses the playful tone. Those damn emojis.

Hongjoong decides not to reply. It’s better this way.

-

It lasts twenty-four minutes.

Hongjoong puts his frozen dinner in the microwave and eats half of the meal before picking up his phone. He can’t contain his anxiety.

Hongjoong:
I never meant to treat you badly

Only after sending it does Hongjoong realize how raw it sounds. They don’t usually send each other this kind of message. He’s never had to, because he has always kept himself emotionally distant from any romantic interest he’s had over the years. It was always easy with Yunho too, because they were shaped by such a visceral intimacy that he’ll never be able to recreate it with anyone else.

But Seonghwa is a completely different person. He’s outside Hongjoong’s usual comfort zone. Hongjoong knows him so little, yet at the same time feels so close to him.

Seonghwa-ssi:
It’s clear you have some internal things to work through
Hongjoong-ssi, I can’t be your therapist
And I don’t want to be

Oh. It hurts, of course it does. Hongjoong stares at the messages and feels pathetic, because of course it does. And the worst part is that Seonghwa is right. Hongjoong even admires him for being so brutally honest. It’s a kind of maturity you don’t come across easily. He set the boundary.

It was supposed to be something fun. Some sexting, some flirting at the office, maybe some satisfying sex. Seonghwa must have people chasing after him all the time. He gave Hongjoong signs that he was interested in him, but then things got too complicated. It probably isn’t fun for him anymore.

Seonghwa has been nothing but open with him from the beginning. They aren’t friends.

Even with his chest aching and his cheeks flushed with embarrassment, he genuinely understands.

Hongjoong:
You’re right

Seonghwa likes the message. And that’s it.

-

All the girls Hongjoong has dated over the years have had their own qualities. Some were moodier than others, some were kind, and others a little meaner. Some had good relationships with their parents, others not so much.

Sooyoung is a wonderful person. She’s fun and very sexually open.

When they try to have sex for the second time, unsuccessfully, she starts looking through Hongjoong’s sex toy drawer completely naked. She has a nice ass, incredible breasts, and her hair is tied up in a bun on top of her head.

Usually, the women Hongjoong dates take a little while to feel completely comfortable with their bodies, but that isn’t a problem for her.  She carries herself like someone who knows she has nothing to be ashamed of.

“Have you ever tried it?” she asks when she turns around, holding a six-inch vibrator. It’s pink and kind of ridiculous.

Hongjoong nods.

“Do you want me to use it on you?”

“Oh, that’s not what I meant,” she giggles. “Have you ever used it on yourself?”

“Oh.” Hongjoong pulls the blanket up to cover his limp, pathetic penis. “No. Not really.”

“Why not? Are you the kind of guy who thinks playing with your ass is, like, gay?”

Hongjoong can’t imagine a worse conversation than this one.

“I don’t think that.”

“I like watching BL,” she says conversationally. “An ex-boyfriend left me… you know… and it felt really good. He enjoyed himself, and I liked it too.”

Hongjoong has nothing against it, but he doesn’t find it particularly attractive either. He knows his own preferences, even if he doesn’t act on them.

“I don’t… uh, it’s not that I’m prejudiced or anything, but it’s not my thing.”

“Okay.” She seems a little disappointed, but puts the vibrator back in the same drawer as before and walks back to the bed. “Can you eat me out?”

-

Hongjoong tries to tell himself it isn’t because of what Seonghwa said, but he makes an appointment with a therapist Mingi recommends.

He schedules two appointments.

-

On December 23, Hongjoong organizes a small Christmas party, or rather, Yunho convinces him that this year's sales were excellent and the employees deserve a night of free food and alcohol, then organizes everything himself because Hongjoong has no idea how to throw a party.

All the employees are free to bring dates and children, so there are lots of kids running around and the single guys are trying their luck with the single women.

Yunho brings Mingi. Seonghwa doesn’t bring anyone.

“And the Netflix girl?” Mingi asks when they meet under the mistletoe. He lingers as he kisses Hongjoong’s cheek and wraps an arm around his waist. “Where is she?”

“We broke up.” Hongjoong can’t even put any sadness into the words because he mostly feels relieved. “She found a better guy.”

“It’s genuinely impressive how many times you get dumped.”

Up close, he smells really good. Aftershave, a woody cologne, and something musky that is just pure Mingi, a mixture of man and a little sweat. “I have a theory.”

“Oh yeah? What is it?”

“Yunho and I have talked about this before.” Mingi gently moves Hongjoong away from under the mistletoe, and they walk together toward the food table. “You’re too nice.”

“Is that my big flaw?” Hongjoong asks, thoroughly unimpressed.

“In a nutshell, yes.” Mingi seems very busy choosing a sanjeok, and when he speaks again, his mouth is full of food. “Girls like fun guys. You’re boring. And they also prefer guys who are a little mean. Not actually mean, just a little bit mean.”

“That makes absolutely no sense.”

“It’s female logic, dude.”

“Have you ever dated a woman?”

“No. You know I’m gay.”

“You don’t even have sisters.”

“You talk like you know women.” Mingi pushes a piece of gimbap into Hongjoong’s mouth. “But if you did, you wouldn’t be alone and pathetic.”

“I’m not alone—”

“Everyone feels sorry for you.” There’s a long pause while Mingi mutters to himself as he opens a bottle of soju. “You’re going to spend Christmas watching Bloodhounds alone like you did last year.”

“The new season came out this year, and I haven’t had a chance to watch it yet.”

“See?” With an eye roll, Mingi pats Hongjoong on the chest. “Pathetic.”

“And you?” Hongjoong asks then. “How are you spending Christmas?”

“With my parents.”

“I don’t think that’s much better,” Hongjoong shoots back.

“At least I’ll be in great company.”

Hongjoong imagines spending Christmas with his mothers, and his stomach twists. Yerin always gets depressed around Christmas, and she doesn’t usually do anything big. Soojin is the one who always made delicious food and forced them to watch American movies starring Macaulay Culkin. Hongjoong loved those moments so much that he spent the whole year waiting for December 25 to come.

“Here, your Christmas present.”

Mingi puts a Kevin keychain from Minions in Hongjoong’s hand. It’s a cheap-looking keychain, and the little chain is starting to rust. The black gloves are almost gray, as if they’ve faded over time.

“Did you find it in the trash?”

Mingi smiles.

“Someone dropped it from their bag when I was on the subway. It reminded me of you. Merry Christmas, dude.”

Hongjoong carefully slips the keychain into his pants pocket.

“Merry Christmas. Dude.”

-

“I was wondering if you’d come.”

Hongjoong had to take a deep breath before approaching Seonghwa. He patiently waited until he was alone before going over to him because he wouldn’t be able to hold a conversation with other people around. It’s already bad enough when there isn’t an audience.

“Miss out on free food and the chance to watch the ATEEZ staff embarrass themselves?” Seonghwa’s smile is beautiful when he looks up. “No way.”

“The jumeokbap is delicious. Have you tried it?”

If Seonghwa finds it strange that Hongjoong is trying to make conversation by talking about food, he doesn’t show it.

“I’ve tried almost everything. It’s almost as good as what I make.”

“Oh, you cook?”

“Whenever I have time, yeah.” Seonghwa doesn’t show any irritation and doesn’t seem upset with Hongjoong, which is good. But he doesn’t seem playful like before, either. There’s something more restrained about him. “It’s how I relax.”

“I’m really bad at it,” Hongjoong admits.

“I had to learn a few tricks when I moved out on my own, you know? At first, I didn’t have much money to eat out.”

“Yeah, I know what you mean.”

A silence stretches between them.

Maybe a month ago, Seonghwa would have been flirting with Hongjoong. He used to hide his flirting behind suggestive remarks, but not anymore.

Hongjoong aches at the thought of how much he misses that version of him, but he also realizes that he knows nothing about Seonghwa except who he is professionally.

“What else do you do in your free time?” Hongjoong asks as he crosses his arms. He knows he’s being obvious in trying to get Seonghwa’s attention, but it’s too late now. He wants Seonghwa to pay attention to him again.

Seonghwa hums and scratches his chin as if he’s seriously thinking about it.

“I like Legos,” he says.

“Oh.” Hongjoong never played with Legos, not even as a kid. “That’s… cool.”

Once again, the uncomfortable silence stretches between them. Seonghwa smiles genuinely and accepts a drink when one of the waiters walks by with a tray. He takes a long sip, his Adam’s apple moving up and down his throat, and Hongjoong simply watches.

Hongjoong desperately tries to think of something to say. Then he remembers: “Are you planning to write another poetry book?”

“Maybe.” Seonghwa rests the partially empty glass on one of the tables. He’s wearing makeup around his eyes, and there’s a light layer of gloss on his lips. Hongjoong stares at all of it like a starving man. “I’ve been writing some things, but… work has kept me busy.”

“I watch your videos now.” Hongjoong swallows and looks away when Seonghwa turns toward him. “I didn’t have TikTok before, but now… Yeah, so…”

“That’s good,” is all Seonghwa says, but he has a knowing look. As if he knows something.

Before, maybe, Seonghwa would have used Hongjoong’s confession as an opportunity to tease him. He could have asked, “Oh, and what’s your favorite video?” or “And have you used any of the toys I recommended?” Or something else just as ridiculous.

Not long ago, Seonghwa was laughing in the passenger seat of his car. But now… nothing. No teasing.

Hongjoong aches, restless and angry at himself. Seonghwa is so beautiful. Is he sending pictures to other men? Is he telling bedtime stories to someone else? Has he slept with anyone since that sexting?

The worst part is knowing that Hongjoong could have… he could have had that. Even if Seonghwa had only wanted a hookup, Hongjoong could have given him that. He feels like he’s about to say something, explode, vomit out some pathetic and stupid confession.

But Hongjoong can’t say anything.

After a few minutes of standing close to each other, Hongjoong sees Yunho walking by and quickly says goodbye to Seonghwa.

-

Out of spite, on December 25, Hongjoong doesn’t watch the second season of Bloodhounds.

He buys soju and tries to make lunch. He uses too much salt, but eats it anyway. Then he takes a shower and reads a book.

It’s very cold, but not cold enough to snow. Raindrops hit the window.

Yunho sends him a picture of himself. Mingi records a three-second video wishing him a merry Christmas. Hongjoong’s mothers send several emojis in the family group chat.

Seonghwa doesn’t send him anything.

-

You have a hard time being vulnerable, the therapist says, not as someone giving a diagnosis, but rather as someone making a thoughtful observation.

Yes, Hongjoong admits.

The problem, she continues, is that relationships require a certain degree of vulnerability. You need to start seeing yourself as deserving of good things and allow yourself to go after them.

-

On December 30, before New Year’s, when Hongjoong gets home from work and opens Instagram, there’s a post from Seonghwa that was made the night before. 

Hongjoong stares at the picture for several seconds, barely blinking. He has seen much more skin than this when Seonghwa sent him a picture wearing lingerie, but it’s still hypnotic. He is… stunning. So strong. His skin is so beautiful.

He likes the picture, his heart pounding. 

-

On December 31, Hongjoong gives all the employees time off until the beginning of the following week, then sits in front of the TV and drinks soju while watching the news.

He spends the entire day restless, feeling an itch he can’t scratch. He locks and unlocks his phone several times, then scrolls through Seonghwa’s profile like a stalker. He watches his old TikTok videos.

He has a late lunch, then rereads the poetry book he bought weeks ago. He highlights the parts he likes the most.

When it starts getting dark outside, Hongjoong messages Seonghwa because he can’t take it anymore.

Hongjoong:
Happy New Year 😁

Hongjoong feels ridiculous sending the emoji, but it’s too late now. He places his phone face down on the coffee table and tries to focus on the movie he’s watching, but he can’t. Everything hurts.

It feels like an eternity before he gets a response.

Seonghwa-ssi:
Happy New Year, Hongjoong-ssi 😊

Hongjoong doesn’t want the conversation to end.

Hongjoong:
How are you spending New Year’s?

Seonghwa-ssi:
At home
I want a quiet night

Hongjoong:
Are you going to cook?

Seonghwa-ssi:
I’m going to eat the leftovers
my mom sent me 😆

Hongjoong watches the emoji closely and smiles. The little knot in his chest begins to loosen. Seonghwa, despite everything, is being friendly. It’s probably more than Hongjoong deserves.

You need to start being a little more vulnerable, Hongjoong reminds himself, his fingers hovering over the keyboard on his phone.

He thinks, and thinks, and thinks. Then:

Hongjoong:
I’m seeing a therapist

Seonghwa-ssi:
Oh?
That’s good 🙂

Hongjoong:
It’s been helping me understand some things

Seonghwa-ssi:
Hongjoong-ssi, that’s great
I’m really happy for you

Hongjoong wants more. He feels hungry for Seonghwa. He wants to talk to him in a way he has never wanted to talk to any of his other girlfriends. But he doesn’t want to be greedy either.

For now, this is enough.

-

In mid-January, Seonghwa presents ideas for a new launch. This time, it includes men’s lingerie, but also some fetish pieces. Hongjoong watches from a distance, but the business plan is definitely as solid as it was the first time, and this time it also includes pieces for female customers.

When the new launch is approved, Seonghwa comes up to the 12th floor a few times. He talks to the ATEEZ employees as if they were all friends, politely greets Hongjoong whenever he sees him, and is perfectly easygoing.

They make small talk. That initial tension has passed, even if the silence still hangs uncomfortably between them. 

It’s good. Great, even.

-

“What did you think?”

When the samples are ready, Hongjoong can’t stop thinking about them, especially because they’re delivered to the office and Seonghwa comes to pick them up personally.

Seonghwa doesn’t look surprised when Hongjoong shows up, almost cornering him against the coffee machine. He simply raises one eyebrow, but there’s a softness in his eyes that Hongjoong has started to recognize as affection.

“It looks good, but I’ll take a closer look when I get home.”

“That’s… good.”

Hongjoong puts both hands in his pants pockets and realizes he has nothing else to say, so he watches as Seonghwa gets himself some coffee.

He takes a long sip and murmurs to himself, “It tastes just as bad as always.”

“I should buy you a coffee,” Hongjoong says abruptly, before he even realizes what he’s saying. “Um, maybe a cappuccino?” And then, belatedly, he adds, “Someday. When you have time.”

The corner of Seonghwa’s mouth twitches in a way that is familiar now, as if he wants to laugh but doesn’t think it’s appropriate. He looks at Hongjoong with soft, perceptive eyes and nods after a brief hesitation.

“Yeah,” he agrees. Almost too easily. “Someday, who knows?”

Does Hongjoong deserve good things? Maybe. But Seonghwa. He is… too much. Too much. Hongjoong probably wouldn’t even know what to do with a man like that.

And yet Hongjoong is greedy. He wants him. Even if he has to eat Seonghwa little by little, piece by piece, until there’s nothing left.

-

When he leaves the office, Hongjoong stays glued to his phone, waiting for Seonghwa to send him a picture the way he did the first time the samples arrived.

He wants to see Seonghwa in lingerie again. He’d love to see how the new pieces would look on his body.

But Seonghwa doesn’t send one. Hongjoong finds himself wondering, not for the first time, if some other man gets the picture instead of him and becomes so overwhelmed that he can’t even eat dinner.

-

Hongjoong can’t stop thinking about it. It becomes almost an obsession.

On a Tuesday in January, it starts snowing. Hongjoong stays late at the office because he needs to finish some paperwork. It’s already past eight in the evening when he pours himself a glass of wine that he usually keeps in one of the cabinets for when he has clients or suppliers over.

He stares at the snow falling outside, alone on the 12th floor, the glass held between his fingers. Even the cleaning staff have already left.

When he returns to his desk, he opens one of the drawers and comes across the boxes of Pepero he received on 11/11, and automatically remembers Seonghwa in that same office sucking on one of his fingers. His stomach clenches at the mere memory.

Hongjoong opens KakaoTalk on his computer and searches for Seonghwa in his contacts. His fingers glide across the keyboard reflexively. His heart races. 

After thinking for a few seconds, he sends a message.

Hongjoong:
Did you try the pieces?

Hongjoong finishes his wine, and the taste lingers intensely in his mouth as he swallows. It takes four painful minutes for Seonghwa to read the message.

Seonghwa-ssi:
A little late to talk
business, Hongjoong-ssi

Hongjoong runs his tongue over his lips, moistening them. He stares at the words for several long seconds and doesn’t care that Seonghwa can see that he read the message immediately.

Hongjoong:
It’s just something that crossed my mind

Seonghwa-ssi:
Is this the kind of thing you usually
think about before going to sleep?

It almost sounds like flirting. Hongjoong feels his skin prickle and swallows the excess saliva gathering in his mouth.

Hongjoong:
I’m still at the office

Seonghwa-ssi:
Working late?

Hongjoong:
Yes
So?
You didn’t answer my question

He doesn’t want to sound demanding, but there’s an itch under Hongjoong’s skin that he can’t scratch.

This time, Seonghwa takes a little longer to respond.

Seonghwa-ssi:
Yes

Seonghwa doesn’t elaborate. Hongjoong wants to know more, and his fingers itch. He has seen Seonghwa in lingerie before, and he doesn’t know if that’s better or worse than knowing nothing at all.

Hongjoong keeps staring at the computer screen when the typing bubble appears again. He waits with his heart pounding.

Seonghwa-ssi:
Did you message me to tell
me a bedtime story?

Shit. Hongjoong gasps like he’s been caught off guard and realizes Seonghwa is giving him an option. It’s an opening. Clearly, they both know what he means.

Hongjoong:
Maybe I’m not as good at telling
stories as you are

Seonghwa-ssi:
Well, let’s see

Hongjoong has imagined so many scenarios involving Seonghwa that he types as if possessed by some obsessive spirit. He can barely feel embarrassed.

Hongjoong:
In this hypothetical scenario,
I’m stuck at the office because
a storm starts

Seonghwa-ssi:
Are you afraid of rain?

Hongjoong:
I don’t like driving in the rain
Safety first, right?

Seonghwa-ssi:
Of course, always!

Hongjoong:
There’s only one other person on the floor
He stayed late to adjust some of the pieces
for the launch we’re doing soon

Seonghwa-ssi:
Oh…?

Hongjoong:
He comes over to me
There’s sexual tension between us

Seonghwa-ssi:
Is this mysterious man interested in you?

Hongjoong:
Yeah, I think so

Seonghwa-ssi:
You don’t sound very sure about that
What signs of interest has he given you? 

Hongjoong takes a deep breath. He lets the air out slowly. He thinks of all the signs Seonghwa has given him over the past few months.  Seonghwa hasn’t exactly been subtle.

Hongjoong:
He sent me a picture of himself wearing lingerie
And once sucked my finger

Seonghwa-ssi:
Ah, yes. That sounds like interest
Did you like it when he did that?

Hongjoong doesn’t even have the option of saying no. He barely thinks before typing.

Hongjoong:
Yes

Seonghwa-ssi:
Did that make you hard?

There’s something raw about the question, and it turns Hongjoong on. He feels a shiver run down the back of his neck and closes his eyes for a few seconds, searching for a little self-control.

Hongjoong:
Yes
So fucking hard

Seonghwa-ssi:
Good
Continue the story

Hongjoong swallows the excess saliva before he starts drooling, and his fingers begin racing across the keyboard shamelessly. He feels a little lightheaded.

Hongjoong:
He’s always given me signs that he’s interested,
but I rarely reciprocate
So when he approaches my desk,
I compliment him

Seonghwa-ssi:
What do you say?

Hongjoong:
How handsome he is
That I like the way he walks
I like the way he smells
That I loved seeing him in beautiful lingerie 

Seonghwa-ssi:
Ah
I think he’ll like that
Maybe he’ll like it so much that he’ll even end up bending over your desk

Hongjoong knows Seonghwa deserves every compliment in the world. He wants to tell him so many things about him that he can’t even list them all. He just wants, wants, wants. He’s hungry for Seonghwa. Starving for him.

Hongjoong:
I’m going to tell him
how much I want to fuck him hard,
until I come inside him

Uh.

Hongjoong stops himself before he can say anything else. He looks at the blinking cursor and pulls his fingers away from the keyboard. He presses himself hard against the upholstery, and then a notification pops up with a new message.

Then—

Seonghwa-ssi:
14-gil, Dongnimmun-ro
Apartment 1356
The password is 1634
I’ll let them know you’re coming

-

The doorman smiles at Hongjoong as if he’s known him for years. He murmurs something about the weather after seeing the shoulders of his suit are wet, then directs him to take the elevator at the end of the hallway and go up to the apartment.

Hongjoong can barely say anything, only nodding and following the directions.

There’s a plant by the door to apartment 1356, sitting on a rug that looks new. Hongjoong doesn’t even need to check the door code again because he spent the entire drive murmuring the same numbers to himself.

The apartment is dark, but the curtains are open, and the light coming in from the street is enough to illuminate the path to the only open door in the apartment, at the end of a short hallway.

There Seonghwa is lying naked on the mattress, his half-lidded eyes staring at Hongjoong the moment he stops in the doorway.

“Hongjoong-ah,” he says, apparently without any shame as he spreads his legs, putting himself on display for Hongjoong’s hungry gaze. “I had to start without you.”

The way Seonghwa positions himself lets Hongjoong see his cock, hard and red at the tip, and his hole slightly open and slick with lube.

Hongjoong, who has been hard the entire drive, feels his cock throb. His balls ache, full of cum.

“You’re such a needy thing,” Hongjoong murmurs, barely recognizing the tone of his own voice. Seonghwa licks his lips and spreads himself even wider, bringing his knees toward his chest. “I can’t believe you waited for me like this.”

Seonghwa’s eyes shine, and his lips are red as if he’s been biting them hard. He speaks in a low, drawn-out voice: “I wanted to be ready for you to arrive and just shove your cock deep inside me.”

Ah. Fuck. Hongjoong clenches his teeth, so turned on that he feels pain between his legs, and starts taking off his clothes. Seonghwa stays in the same position, completely exposed, vulnerable, with an expression on his face like he’s begging for cock. It’s so fucking good. It's so dirty.

When Hongjoong finally pulls his pants and boxers down in one motion, Seonghwa lets out a needy little sound and stares at his cock without any shame. From where he is, Hongjoong can see his hole contracting around nothing.

“I want cock,” Seonghwa murmurs in a thread of a voice, his chin slightly lowered, his eyes shining.

Hongjoong, his cock painfully hard and pointing upward, hard enough to start leaking, climbs onto the bed and approaches Seonghwa. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” Seonghwa makes a sound deep in his throat as soon as Hongjoong wraps his hands around his thighs, using his grip to spread him even wider. Seonghwa doesn’t resist, simply allowing it. “Have you ever eaten ass before?”

“No,” Hongjoong admits.

“It’s so tight.” Seonghwa’s Adam’s apple trembles as he swallows. “But I made it nice and wet for you.”

“You’re so good to me, baby.”

Hongjoong tries to kiss Seonghwa, but they’re both breathing so hard that they only move their tongues, which brush against each other.  It’s wet and messy, and neither of them seems to care.

Hongjoong’s cock brushes against his hole as they move closer, and Seonghwa lets out a low, breathless sound and opens himself even wider.

“Inside.”

This time, it isn’t a request. Hongjoong has never had sex like this, not without extensive foreplay. But he understands Seonghwa’s urgency because he feels it too. He gets down on his knees and looks around, searching for condoms, but Seonghwa wraps his fingers around his cock and guides it to his opening.

Hongjoong forgets everything else and he just—

They moan together when the cock goes in. There’s brief resistance at first, but then Seonghwa’s body takes him and takes him all the way. Hongjoong trembles, and Seonghwa’s hole is tight, hot, absurdly wet.

“Fuck,” Seonghwa gasps, his eyes glazed over. His legs give out, and Hongjoong holds him behind the knees, keeping him open and receptive. “Yes, like that, fuck me good now—”

Hongjoong obeys. He doesn’t think anymore. Sex has never felt this good. He lets himself be guided by lust, by blind and oppressive desire, and pushes against the resistance of Seonghwa’s body for a few seconds before his hole becomes more and more receptive. The sound of their bodies colliding fills the room. It’s messy, dirty, and shameless.

Seonghwa throws his head back as he takes Hongjoong’s cock, murmuring things that sound so confused they barely make sense.

“So fucking good, so tight—” Hongjoong keeps saying, lost in the moment. “Such a good hole for me.”

“I’m your cockslut,” Seonghwa murmurs almost to himself.

“You are,” Hongjoong agrees easily. “My little slut.”

Hongjoong, who has never had sex without a condom, had no idea how different it could feel. He feels blinded by desire, especially when Seonghwa keeps making little sounds deep in his throat, begging for more, harder, deeper. Hongjoong is happy to give him exactly what he wants.

Much sooner than he would like, Hongjoong feels his balls tightening.

“I’m going to—” he tries to say.

Seonghwa nods, his face expressive and flushed, staring at Hongjoong with a hunger he has never seen in anyone else before.

“You’re going to fill me with cum?” he asks.

Hongjoong curses. His hips falter, and he can’t hold back anymore. He comes with a grunt, his cock buried deep inside Seonghwa’s delicious hole.

“You—oh, fuck. Can you feel it, baby? Inside you?”

Seonghwa shakes his head, drooling a little. “I want to stay full, just like this…”

Hongjoong only has to touch Seonghwa’s cock half a dozen times before he feels it contract and come across his own abdomen, his whole body trembling as he contracts.

They’re both panting and sweaty when they awkwardly embrace on the bed. Seonghwa kisses Hongjoong’s forehead and pulls him closer, intertwining their legs.

“That was—”

“Incredible,” Hongjoong finishes.

As his breathing calms, Hongjoong tries to understand what just happened. It was so good. Boneless and satisfied, he wipes the sweat from Seonghwa’s forehead with the palm of his hand and allows himself to simply admire him as he is, naked in every sense of the word.

Could sex have been like this all along?

“Do I have cum on my face?” Seonghwa asks when Hongjoong can’t look away.

He laughs.

“No. It’s just… you’re really beautiful.”

There’s a different softness in Seonghwa’s smile now. It’s no longer that languid expression from before.

“Thank you.”

They stay silent. Hongjoong buries his face in Seonghwa’s shoulder and kisses his skin, the way he’s spent months wanting to do. He rubs his lips over Seonghwa’s pronounced collarbones and moves up to his unmarked neck.

“You should have dinner with me tomorrow,” he murmurs against his soft skin.

Seonghwa takes a deep breath. “Was the sex really that good?”

“The sex was great,” he agrees. “And I want to get to know you better.”

Hongjoong feels Seonghwa’s hand in his hair. He smells wonderful. There’s a little stubble scratching against his skin when they rub their cheeks together.

“Okay,” Seonghwa murmurs. He looks happy when they meet each other’s eyes. His eyes are bright with a smile, with tiny, almost imperceptible crinkles at the corners. “Take me to dinner.”