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"Jesus Bernard, slow down."
Manny had been trying to ease Bernard's drinking all evening as he had a 9am plane back home to Ireland tomorrow morning.
"Shut up. You've never had to experience a Black family christmas before. You don't know what I go through. I need to still be drunk when I get off that plane tomorrow."
"Bernard, you're an only child with parents who are quite literally the nicest people I've ever met. I think I can guess what you go through; being horribly spoilt." Fran piped up to defend Manny.
"How dare you assume anything about my family."
"It's not assuming when I've met them and speak to them more than you do. They literally post you an advent calender every year so you don't have the spend the £2 yourself."
"Just- Everybody shut up. If I wanna be violently hungover when I see my horrible cousins then that is my perogative! ... What do you mean you speak to my parents more than I do?" Bernard's head whipped around to look at Fran, his scraggy hair flying everywhere in the process.
But at that very moment, Fran was saved by the bell. Or rather, saved by Rowena who was now poking her head around the front door and making her presence known in the most hideous green and sequined christmas jumper Fran had ever laid her eyes on.
"Knock knock!"
Bernard frowned deeply and tried to get Fran's attention so that they could share silent judgement at the verbal knocking that just occured. Fran met Bernard's eyes and reciprocated his distainful look, fairly certain that this annoyance had sufficiently distracted him from her accidental admittance of frequently communicating with his parents. He was probably drunk enough that he wouldn't remember it later either.
"Babe!" Manny's arms flung open as he stood up and engulfed his girlfriend.
Fran, still keeping her eyes on Bernard, stuck her tongue out and pointed a finger into her mouth as if to suggest nausia at this term of affection. Bernard let out a slight chuckle that left her feeling proud, it wasn't an easy feat to make Bernard Black laugh, they shared a subtle smile. Manny and Rowena shared a kiss that was far too long and wet for people their age, which resulted in Manny receiving a book to the head.
"Ow! Bernard!"
"Enough of that! That was your own fault, I had to take action!"
Fran scrunched up her face and nodded to display her agreement as Manny rubbed his head. Rowena, who had avoided any injuries, very excitedly held up 3 pink giftbags.
"Where shall I put my presents?"
Due to Manny currently expriencing a mild conussion, it was up to Bernard to answer.
"I don't care. In the kitchen." He just said any room that wasn't the one he was in.
Rowena happily obliged by dancing into the kitchen, where she was closely followed by Manny who went to seek frozen pees to ease his head injury.
"Shit, I didn't get her anything." Fran quickly became very stressed.
"So what, it's only Rowena. The bags are probably full of soap and talc anyway."
"Yeah but I have something for you and Manny, I can't not give her anything." She whisper-shouted.
Manny and Rowena returned, one with a bag of frozen vegetables strapped to his head and the other now empty handed.
"Where have you guys put your presents? I couldn't see them anywhere so I just left mine on the table."
"Oh, Fran got you such a lovely gift I'm surprised you didn't see it in there. Where did you put it again, Fran?"
Bernard was still deep into his task of getting as drunk as possible and so began to chug the remainder of the opened bottle of wine after dropping Fran in it, leaving her to explain the whereabouts of her gifts. She glared at him with pure hatred, unsure of how to respond as Bernard finished the last drop of wine and returned her glare, patiently awaiting an excuse from her. He was in a bad mood for no particular reason, as always, and so was thoroughly enjoying somebody else's suffering. Fran widened her eyes expectantly at Bernard as Rowena continued to wait for an answer, hoping that he would help her out. The air was uncomfortably silent other than the occasional moan from Manny as he soothed his head. Fran soon realised Bernard had no intention of helping her and stared him down for a few more seconds before accepting defeat.
"Oh, erm, they're still in the car. I'll grab them a little later." She offered a guilty smile to Rowena.
This satisfied Rowena as she dropped the subject and helped Manny tend to his head. Fran on the other hand was not so satisfied, and she turned back to Bernard to find him smirking at her. His gaze was... intense, making Fran squirm in her seat slightly, she wasn't sure what exactly was making her squirm, but she knew that anger wasn't too far from the surface. She mouthed a simple 'fuck you' at him, which only aided in widening his smirk, which had now evolved into a toothy grin. If he was able to produce a genuine smile he must have achieved his goal of getting drunk, so she retaliated by confiscating the remaining alcohol on his desk and handing it to Manny to help his head pain. Bernard desperately tried to grab for it but failed as Rowena had her hands on it as soon as it entered her vicinity, quickly pouring herself and Manny drinks.
"Bernard's cut off, make sure he doesn't touch any of that."
"No problemo!"
Problemo. Blegh, if Fran wasn't pissed at Bernard right now she'd offer a mutual look of disgust, but instead she forced herself not to react, just to annoy him that little bit more.
---
Rowena had been talking non-stop for two straight hours. Bernard had started to sober up slightly and was sat sulking, Manny was only just beginning to stop seeing double, and Fran was too stressed about the fake gift she supposedly had waiting in her car; they weren't exactly the chattiest bunch right now. This left Rowena to just keep going and going and going until Bernard couldn't take it anymore and let out a long, drawn-out sigh.
"Everything okay, Bernard?" His sigh had distracted Rowena from her 10th anecdote of the night.
"Nope." Bernard was gazing at his hands and comparing them to each other, clearly not having paid attention to a single thing she had said all evening.
"Bernard."
Manny finally started to feel awake and human again, much to Bernard's dismay as it meant that he would start defending his girlfriend again, ruining Bernard's fun of being openly cruel and letting her know exactly what he thought of her. The two men, one with a mop of black hair and the other with golden locks, scowled at one another.
"Gosh, it's already 9. How about we do presents?" Rowena eagerly offered to break the tension.
This snapped Bernard out of his stare down as he turned his attention to Fran, eager to watch her squirm and make excuses, or somehow actually manage to pull off finding something random in her car to gift. She looked panicked but remained silent, hoping to be forgotten for a while longer. Manny accompanied Rowena to retrieve her giftbags as well as his own presents kept in his bedroom.
"Fuck. What am I gonna do? I forgot her birthday too, I can't have two missed gifts in a row." She began nibbling at her thumb, "My presents are actually in my car, I'm gonna have to dig around for something to give her. I hope she doesn't get suspicious over it not being wrapped."
"I'll join you, I'm intrigued to see if you can pull this off or not."
"Absolutely not, you're the cause of this, the last thing I need is you making snarky comments at me whilst I'm already stressed."
Rowena returned, causing Fran to practically jump out of her chair and race to the car.
"Someone's in a hurry." Rowena remarked as she handed Bernard his pink giftbag, which up close he now realised was is in fact sparkly. He grimaced as he accepted it.
"Uh, I didn't get you anything. Just so you know." He inspected the unusally light bag as he continued to contort his face, disgusted at even being in the same building as anything with glitter on it.
"Don't worry, I didn't expect anything from you."
Stomping on the stairs could be heard, and Manny reappeared holding purple sparkly bags. Bernard sighed, hoping Fran would hurry up.
---
When Fran finally returned, Manny and Rowena were deep into conversation, whilst a now almost completely sober Bernard had a cigarette resting in his mouth and his nose in a book -Fran thought it might have even been the book previously lobbed at Manny's head- but his attention was quickly pulled away from it at the sound of the door, as was Manny and Rowena's.
Fran gave a nervous laugh, "Would you believe it, I got locked out of my car and had to run home for the spare key. Sorry I took so long."
"Oh don't be silly, but hurry up! I'm dying for you to all open what I got you."
Bernard offered a wry smile and refused to take his eyes off Fran, "Oh don't you worry Rowena, she's just as excited for you to open hers."
Fran avoided his gaze as she returned to the desk they were all sat around and sheepishly placed down a bag of two beautifully wrapped presents, as well as what appeared to be a tube of open fruit pastels at the bottom. As she took her seat her knee began to bounce and she continued to nibble away at her thumb again. Bernard couldn't help but feel... Guily? Pitiful? Whatever it was, it was beginning to ruin his fun. His face changed from a sarcastic smile to one of sympathy. Rowena eagerly handed Fran her pink sparkly bag before turning her attention back to her boyfriend.
"Okay. Babe, you go first." Rowena clapped slightly as she said this.
Babe. Bernard sought out Fran's eyes for another shared look of disgust, but she failed to return his gaze, instead staring guiltily at her pink bag. He nudged her leg under the desk, causing her to take her eyes off the bag and move them to his face. He glanced at the fruit pastels and furrowed his eyebrows when looking back up at her. She shrugged slightly, mouthing 'It's all I could find, shops shut'. Her gaze then travelled from his face to Manny's, which was overridden with glee as he had just opened his bag which contained the two-in-one hair dryer and straightener that Fran had actually considered buying for herself. Manny gasped and hugged Rowena tightly before kissing her too intensely for Bernard's liking.
Instead of throwing another book at his assistant's head, Bernard tapped Fran's leg with his foot and discreetly handed her a not-so-beautifully wrapped present under the desk. She accepted it with confusion, unsure as to why this present presumably from him to her was being delivered with such secrecy. Bernard rolled his eyes at her clear confusion and nodded his head in Rowena's direction. Fran mouthed an 'ohh' and smiled at him, understanding that this meant she would have to sacrifice her own gift from Bernard, but she didn't mind if it saved her from the awkwardness of having to spin a story as to why she only got Rowena a pack of opened sweets with all of the red ones missing.
After the PDA ridden couple had finished their disgusting canoodle, Rowena urged Bernard to open his next. He obliged without any trouble, wanting the whole ordeal to be over as fast as possible, considering he was no longer under the influence of any alcohol and he had just finished his last fag. He opened his bag and rummaged around for a while, failing to produce anything in his hand, eventually sticking his head inside to take a thorough look.
He removed his head to reveal a very smug expression, "I think you maybe forgot my present."
"Oh, just like you forgot my last christmas and birthday present? Isn't that interesting."
Bernard was too taken aback to be angry, simply staring back at her dumbfounded. Fran and Manny found this very amusing, both producing belly laughs at Bernard's expense.
"Well- Well- Fran forgot your birthday too!"
"Fran doesn't sit around doing nothing all day, I don't expect such a busy woman to remember her friend's girlfriend's birthday. Plus, she has a present for me right now, unlike somebody."
Bernard turned his attention to Fran who was trying to stifle her ongoing laugh, which was accompanied by a very guilty smile. He narrowed his eyes and refused to take them off her as she began opening her giftbag.
"Too right, Rowena, too right." She nodded and laughed again.
Bernard kicked her gently, and Fran responded by moving her own leg closer to his so that their knees were touching where nobody could see. She gave a thankful smile, Bernard relaxed his eyes and softened his face, but still refused to look away.
She opened her bag to reveal soap and talc, exactly as predicted. Still, it was better than receiving an empty bag.
"How did you know these were exactly what I needed?" She offered Rowena heartfelt eyes, "Thank you."
She then reached for her own presents, handing Rowena 'hers' first without even knowing what was inside. Rowena unwrapped with the kind of excitement usually reserved for children, revealing a very expensive perfume that Fran loved.
"Oh wow! This is the perfume you wear, isn't it?"
Fran shrugged and smiled, "You mentioned liking how I smelled before, thought you might enjoy it." She wasn't exactly thrilled about smelling identicle to Rowena from now on, but at least she wasn't empty handed.
"You are absolutely correct!" Rowena immediately opened it and began dousing herself with it.
With a smile still on her face, Fran glanced over to Bernard and they shared a knowing look. She pushed her leg further into his and Bernard responded by doing the same, their knees now overlapping. She then handed the noticeably better wrapped gifts with different paper out and watched as Manny opened his expensive hair products and Bernard opened the rare book collection he hadn't shut up about since it was discovered that they were on auction in London. Manny was appreciative and offered genuine thanks, but Bernard's appreciation manifested instead in his entire body leaning into Fran so that they were squished up against each other as he offered an apathetic 'thank you', too embarrassed to reveal his true gratitude and happiness.
Then came Bernard's gifts, or rather, gift. After sacrificing Fran's present he now only had something for Manny, which raised slight suspicion in the man who immediately figured out what had happened. He kept quiet about his realisation, not wanting to expose Fran's faux pas, and eyed them curiously as he also now noticed just how close together the pair were suddenly sitting. His present wasn't exactly wrapped well, so it didn't take much effort before he revealed the pack of socks hidden beneath the paper.
A monotone "Thanks" was all he could muster.
"Well don't sound too grateful, Christ. You sacrifice your happiness for others and this is the thanks you get. Ridiculous."
Fran smiled at Manny who laughed back at her. Bernard was an annoying prick, but he was their annoying prick.
"Right," Fran slapped her knees and stood up, causing Bernard to falter slightly as he was resting his weight on her, "Bernard has a flight to catch tomorrow, and if he doesn't make it it's me who'll have to ring his parents to let them know."
Bernard narrowed his eyes and looked up at his bestfriend, "What are you even talking about, why would you ever be talking to my paren-"
"So." She put as much emphasis on her 'so' as possible whilst cutting him off, as a way of telling him she won't be explaining herself anytime soon. "I'm making a cup of tea and then making the executive decision to encourage you all to get an early night. Could I interest anyone in a hot drink?" Bernard grumbled what Fran assumed was a yes, whilst Manny and Rowena offered clearer and more audible 'yes please's'. She excused herself to the kitchen, with Bernard following closely behind her.
"Where you going?" Manny questioned.
"I need a piss, is that okay with you?"
Manny humphed in response and turned his attention to his girlfriend, who was very excitedly forcing him to smell her new perfume.
Bernard trudged into the kitchen and closed the curtain behind him as he found Fran busying herself with the 4 cups in front of her, he ran upstairs before she had to chance to turn around. In his bedroom he uncovered another wrapped present that was burried beneath piles of books and clothes, it would have to do. He carried the much floppier gift downstairs and tapped Fran on the shoulder as she continued making the drinks, prompting her to turn around.
"What's this?"
"Erm, I grabbed you something else a while ago but didn't think you'd actually want it. I guess it's better than nothing though." He shrugged, wanting to present as nonchalant despite actually being nervous about giving such a cheap gift to someone who usually enjoys the finer things in life.
Fran put down the teaspoon in her hand and gleefully accepted the new gift presented to her. She held it for a while without opening it, looking at it fondly before looking up to the obviously nervous man stood before her.
"Why won't I like it?"
"I mean, just open it. It was a random thought at the time. I don't know."
She stood on her tiptoes and kissed him on the cheek, not caring what was inside and simply appreciating the gesture. Bernard blushed far too much for what was a platonic cheek kiss, he looked at the ground as she began unwrapping to hide this fact.
She tore the paper slightly and her face immediately dropped as she hesitated to finish tearing, Bernard noticed the sudden pause in her movements and bravely moved his gaze from the floor up to Fran. He grew nervous, unable to decipher her current emotion until she looked up at him with tears in her eyes, causing his own eyes to widen and his mouth to fall agape slightly. His heart dropped at the thought of accidentally upsetting her, he'd already made life difficult enough for her once today, twice in one night wasn't quite what he was aiming for. Her tears remained, but her mouth contorted into a smile, she took a sharp breath as she looked back down and continued to unwrap, revealing a very floppy and tatty looking giraffe teddy. The same kind that she had grown up with and that her mother had 'accidentally' disposed of last year when moving house.
"Custard." She said the name softly through tears and hugged the giraffe tightly to her chest, "How did you even- I- I don't understand. How?"
"Is it the right one? When you said what happened and described it I looked around until I found one that sounded similar."
"Looked around where? It's just some random toy, I don't even think it came from a known brand."
"Just, y'know. Charity shops and stuff." He stuffed his hands into his pockets and shifted his weight uncomfortably. "Online, maybe."
"Online?" Her tears were replaced with bewilderment. "You, Bernard Black, went online? The, in your own words, spawn of hell?"
"Yeah, so?" He looked like a child being told off, kicking his feet and swaying, wishing he was anywhere else.
Fran was left speechless, staring at her friend with a shocked smile before looking back down at her present, "Why didn't you think I'd like it?"
"What? Oh, I dunno. Didn't think you'd be too thrilled about a second hand teddy, that's why I got the perfume instead."
"Oh yeah, I kind of forgot about the second hand part." She moved it away from her body, holding it by only it's arms.
"I did wash it before I wrapped it. I'm not that disgusting."
Fran was skepticle of his washing abilities, and so placed it carefully on the kitchen table.
"I love him. Really, I do. Thank you."
"Yeah, well. You're welcome." He looked very awkward, unsure of how to react to Fran's genuine emotions, "At least now I know I can just buy you any old tat instead of expensive shit-"
Before he knew it, her arms were wrapped around the back of his neck and she was pressing a kiss onto his lips. He swiftly removed his hands from his pockets and placed them around her waist as he reciprocated the kiss. What began as a peck quickly evolved into the kind of kiss usually reserved for Manny and Rowena, with moving heads and tongue. Fran pulled away after only a few seconds and bit her lip as she peered down at Bernard's mouth, which was slightly red and hadn't quite yet adapted to no longer having Fran's mouth against it. She removed her arms and offered a cheeky smile before turning around to finish off the drinks.
Once they were finished, they grabbed two mugs each without exchanging another word and carried them into the front of the shop where Manny and Rowena were still flirting and giggling. As they handed out the drinks and took their original seats, Fran glanced back into the kitchen through the now open curtain at Bernard's gift, her heart swelling.
Rowena excitedly produced a piece of mistletoe that had been forgotten about in her pocket and rediscovered whilst the tea's were being made. She held it above Bernard and Fran as a joke, but to her surprise, the two willingly shared a quick and embarrassed kiss, leaving them both blushing as Manny produced 'ooh's' and 'ahh's' at them. Rowena then held it above her own head as Manny practically pounced on her, and during this distraction, Fran couldn't help but notice Bernard's hand resting on his knee. She slowly placed her hand on top of his, causing him to jolt slightly at the shock of the sensation, but quickly allowing her to interlink her fingers with his where nobody but them could see.
They remained like this for the rest of the night.