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It was the first time in a while that you were nervous about talking to her. You’d known her for years, served as her personal aide for at least two by now. You’d dare to say you probably belonged to the few people that knew her the best or at least knew her more than just the surface front she had carefully orchestrated for the public.
You’d come to apologise to her, not because you’d had harmed her physically. You’d never, not willingly. Rather, you’d received word about your rather affectionate behaviour towards her the last day or two. The very same reason as to why you had just been released out of sick bay. Apparently, you’d been injected with a neurological drug on one of your recent delegated missions, the kind that had been used to keep difficult prisoners obedient by the emerald chain when their control was still widespread.
You should have probably spent some time actually thinking about what you planned to say to her once she’d open the door instead of rushing out of med bay the moment you were allowed to go. Instead, you now stood very awkwardly in the middle of the hallway as she looked at you expectantly.
“I believe I owe you an apology.” That was a reasonable start yes? Clear intent, no beating around the bush.
The slightly amused look on her face told you she knew exactly what it was you came to apologise for and the expression was both a cause for relief and even more nerves.
“So, you’ve heard then.” A slight smile. “How much do you remember?”
You give her a slightly sheepish smile in return, at least she didn’t seem upset. That was already a really good sign. “It’s all a bit of a daze, moments here and there.” You really couldn’t remember, not even what had happened before you had been infected, your latest memory from before had been during the mission briefing. From there, a huge chunk was missing, just some singular moments, flashes, feelings. Nothing more.
“A side effect of the drug I imagine.” Her voice was more sympathetic now, a little worried perhaps. She stepped to the side, allowing you space to move into her quarters to talk. This wasn’t a conversation that should be held in a hallway.
You take a deep breath to ground yourself before taking the invitation and moving inside, hearing the gentle sound of the door closing behind the two of you.
She waits until you’re seated comfortably on the couch before she continues, taking the spot next to you. “How are you feeling?” At this point in time, she probably knew more about your time in med bay than you did, how long you had even been there, you don’t know. You had rushed out the door the moment they had cleared you for leave. You appreciated her concern for your current health.
“I’m alright, still a little hazy here and there, I was told that’ll probably remain for a couple of hours. But I’m physically okay.” You reassure her that you were in good condition, causing her to look much more relieved.
“I-“ Oh god, how would you even start this. “I was told I was a little.. touchy, while I was under.” You continue, feeling your nerves swell up again as you breach the subject you’d come to discuss. It wasn’t that you were uncomfortable with the thought of having been affectionate with her, it was just very awkward knowing you had but not to what extent. For all you know you could have been sat in her lap during a meeting and you wouldn’t be any the wiser in this moment.
“Touchy is an understatement.” She jokes, though she’s quick to continue before you could start overthinking. “But no harm was done, I’m not upset with you. It wasn’t exactly your decision.”
“It was not, no. Though I apologize regardless.” You give her a real smile this time, feeling much less anxious now. Allowing yourself to relax a little bit into the couch cushions.
“Apology accepted.” Easy as that, no hard feelings, over and done. Though you couldn’t help but want to know what had happened, and given the situation, you’d much rather hear it directly from her than gathering bits and pieces the upcoming few days from friends and colleagues.
“If you don’t mind, I’d appreciate knowing what atrocities I’ve committed.” You find it in yourself to joke, better to laugh at the situation than stay anxious.
“Oh, it was terrible, I got free hugs 24/7.” She jokes in return, the sarcastic tone of her voice making you grin slightly.
“No, it wasn’t that bad. You were just really needy for physical affection. It was rather adorable, if we forgot that you were drugged, that is.” She elaborates a little more seriously, answering your question honestly. Understanding it must be hard not knowing what exactly you had done in your drugged state. It was never comfortable not being in control of your own mind and body. “It was mostly hugs, hand holding, the occasional snuggle and a lot of pouting if we dared to try remove you. I was advised to just go along with it to avoid straining you already vulnerable mental state.”
You nodded along as she explained, red slowly blossoming across your cheeks as you listen to what were definitely more than a little embarrassing moments you had created. You sounded like some kind of needy pet wanting attention from it’s owner, not to mention having done so in public. God how many people must have seen without having the added context?! You could already imagine the amused and curious looks you’d get the upcoming weeks. Great. Truly amazing.
“Well, I appreciate that at least.” You mutter, trying not to think about how much you must have unknowingly embarrassed yourself and by extension her. “How long was I out for?”
She seems to calculate for a couple of moments, retracing her own knowledge as to avoid giving you wrong answers. “You were in med bay for a few hours after they found the antidote, before that I’d say 10 to 12 hours? Excluding medically induced sleep.”
You try to imagine the timeline, from her numbers that would mean you’d been in that state since around midday yesterday. At least from when she started counting, maybe some time before that while on route back to headquarters. Not great, but it could have been worse.
“Discovery was sent to retrieve the antidote, both the drug and the antidote are hard to come by these days.” She answers the question before you got the chance to speak it aloud.
You let out a deep sigh, dropping your head against the back cushion, what a mess. She might not have minded your touch, but that didn’t mean there wouldn’t be any consequences. Most likely there would be questions amongst the crew of the station, those who had seen it but didn’t know about the drug. That would be a fun rumour mill. Stuff like this traveled quickly on a space station.
She looks at you with a soft sympathetic smile, she could tell you were blaming yourself a bit, even though it wasn’t your fault.
“For what it’s worth, I wasn’t uncomfortable, just surprised.” She reassures you again, wanting to eliminate any doubts about that particular part of the situation.
“Yeah, I can imagine.” You mutter, trying to focus on the conversation right now and not the mess you’d need to clean up afterwards.
“You’re not usually such a touchy person.” She chuckles softly, amusement flicking through her eyes as she keeps her gaze on you. She seems to have at least gotten some enjoyment out of this, that’s good.
“I am actually.” You respond, a little hesitant perhaps, accompanying your words with a little borderline shy smile. “I just don’t usually initiate, with so many cultures and personal preferences I always fear I’m overstepping.” You admit, a little nervous again. You didn’t usually discuss the underlying worry of such matters. Very aware of how touch starved you actually were but not wanting to show it.
The look in her eyes tells you that on some level she must understand. Her words come out a little somber on your behalf.
“Better to be safe than sorry hmm?”
“Yeah.” You agree, averting your eyes from her watchful gaze which remained on your face. Studying your reactions. It made you feel rather vulnerable, but surprisingly not emotionally unsafe. Perhaps you already knew on some level that if anyone would understand, it would be her.
“I think you’re not alone in that.” She speaks again, her voice softer this time. Somehow her words always managed to comfort you, perhaps it was the inherit charm that made her so good at her job as well. She had a certain pull about her, one that made you want to tell her you worries, that she’d keep them safe.
Though this time it felt like it was coming from a more personal place for her as well, they weren’t empty words of comfort. It seemed like she was talking to not just you, but herself as well. It wasn’t unlikely that you had just put words to a worry she dealt with often too. Interacting with so many people and cultures, it cannot be easy to keep track of every custom, every preference and expectation.
A comfortable silence comes to hang between the two of you as you simply study her expression, trying to unravel the inner workings of the person behind her professional façade. No president Rillak, just Laira. The words leave your lips before you can think to stop them.
“Lonely at the top?” You already knew the answer. You’d seen her after hour long meetings, hands clasped together, gaze shifting to other delegates speaking to close friends or partners before departing while she kept a professional distance. The fleeting moments of physical contact that seemed to make her so much lighter, if only for a second or two.
The way she lowered her gaze for a moment, letting out a small, slightly self-deprecating laugh before looking up again told you everything you needed to know.
“Was it nice? Being able to hold someone for a little while even if, though it wasn’t-“ real.
“Would it be bad if I said yes?”
You smile, mirroring her own sympathetic look that she had given you earlier. “No, I don’t it is.” You could hardly blame her. Even if your touch hadn’t been intentional, you can only imagine how nice it must have been for her to allow herself to receive such affection for once. Even if it wasn’t real, even if she had known it was just until you’d be back to normal. You would have probably been the same in her shoes.
“I’m glad it was you.” You mutter, quietly, as if admitting something you shouldn’t. Out of all the people you could have attached yourself to in such a vulnerable state, if you’d been able to choose, you would have probably picked her regardless.
“So am I.” She responds, her tone softer as well. Like a shared secret, just for this moment, right here and now.
“And you know, Doctor Culber did say you’d probably cling onto whomever you liked the most so..” She continues, before you swat her arm playfully, lips breaking into a smile which matched her own.
“Oh, shut up.” You chuckle, though the insincerity in your tone is clear. You didn’t mind the jest. It was probably true, and the laugh it got from her had been worth it either way. You were glad the physical touch that had caused plenty of embarrassment for you had been at least able to provide her with some comfort, however small and temporary. That is, if you getting back to normal was the end of it.
Another silence comes to rest between the two of you at your mutual confession. You made for quite the pair, a touch starved president and her equally touch starved aide. After what felt like ages, you speak up once more.
“I wouldn’t mind.” You start, though you’re suddenly unsure of how to phrase it as your gaze shifts away from her face, down to her hands and then up to her shoulder. Unable to find the proper words while you can feel her eyes on you. “If we- if you want to.”
She was apparently still able to decipher your rambling however, one of her hands coming to rest on your lower arm. A surprisingly grounding presence that makes you look up at her face again. Holding in a breath as you await her response.
“I’d like that.” Her tone had somehow gotten even more softer, even more personal. Every last bit of professionalism having left the little space there was left between the two of you now.
You let go of the breath you’d been holding, replacing it with a soft expression equal to her own. Putting your hand on hers where it rested on your arm. “Alright then.”
It wasn’t much yet, and it was still a little uncertain, but it meant a lot. To you, but perhaps even more to her.