Chapter Text
Luke and I were inseparable. We met as kids in the sandbox when I approached him and suggested we could play together. His blue eyes and blond hair immediately caught my attention. We made a pact that day to be best friends for life.
We lived very close to each other, our houses were only separated by a street and our families found a common language as well.
I couldn't imagine my life without Luke. We went through our entire education together: preschool, elementary school, high school….. Well yeah, high school. Luke started acting really strangely in high school and I couldn’t understand why. We still spent time together, but something was definitely off. It felt like, overnight, my best friend was distancing himself from me and thoughts started creeping into my head that maybe I wasn't enough for him.
But we finished school and planned to leave Santa Cruz, we got accepted to college in Los Angeles, where we were supposed to move in together, but... everything fell apart and to this day, I don't understand why Luke gave up on me so easily, ruined our entire friendship, and broke my heart.
2016
"Mom! I'm going to meet Luke at the beach." Without waiting for her answer, I put on my shoes and ran out of the house towards the beach. We were supposed to go to LA the day after tomorrow. I was so excited that I would be finally living with my best friend. We had known each other all our lives and I couldn't imagine the day without him. On the beach, I immediately spotted Luke. He was sitting in our favorite spot, on the rocks, staring at the waves. I ran up to him and sat down next to him.
"What's up?" I asked, smiling slightly. Luke had texted me a few hours earlier that we needed to talk, in person, because he couldn't tell me over the phone.
"I'm not going to LA with you.” He said so quietly that I barely heard him, he still wasn't looking at me.
"What do you mean, you're not going?” I looked at him incredulously. This was our dream, we were both going to study something related to music, we'd been talking about it for a long time, practically forever. Fuck.
"I'm staying in Santa Cruz, Michael." Now, when he looked at me, I noticed how red his eyes were from crying. "My mom is sick, and my dad can't run the restaurant alone, I have to stay."
"What? You're not saying- Luke." My voice broke as I pulled him into a tight hug. Luke's parents had been running a restaurant near the coast for over a decade, it was everything for them. I wasn't surprised that Luke's father needed his help, but I couldn't leave without him, I didn't want to, it wouldn't be right. "Then I'll stay too, we'll take a year off and then we'll go to college together and everything will work out." I looked at him hopefully, but Luke pulled away, shaking his head.
"Mike, no, you have to leave." He wiped the tears from his cheeks with the back of his hand. "You've always dreamed of this. I can't, I don't want you to lose your chance because of me.”
"I won't lose it, Luke! I want to stay with you, please." I said tearfully, seeing him rise up from the rocks.
"Leave, Michael. Don't worry about me, in fact it's for the best if you forget about me." I didn't have time to stop him, because he ran towards the beach exit and I was left alone, without even realizing when hot tears started flowing down my cheeks. I felt like Luke had taken a piece of my heart, making the rest crumble to pieces.
2026
"I can't believe I'm back here.” I whispered to myself, sitting in the car parked near my mom's cafe, a lot has changed since I left here, but let’s start from the beginning.
I left for college despite the searing pain in my heart. I still remember breaking down in tears in the backseat, feeling empty inside. It took me 10 years to realize that Luke wasn't worth my love. No matter how much it hurt, he didn't care about me and I finally accepted that, just as I accepted that I would never return to damn Santa Cruz. Unfortunately, my mother passed away a year ago and signed over her coffee shop to me, and I couldn't sell it. So, stupid me, returned to my old house and decided to renovate the coffee shop and reopen it.
I was hoping I wouldn't meet Luke here. I was hoping he had left and moved on with his life, but also I was secretly hoping he was still here. I got out of the car, walking towards the building. I looked around, noticing how much this town had changed, just like me. I wasn't 18 anymore, I was 28, so my body had changed too. I mean I was bigger in the sense that I had gained some muscle and my hair was a bit longer and a different color, now I was a brunette, not blonde anymore. I felt good about myself, even though no one had been in my heart for a long time. I fucking wonder why?
I took the keys out of my sweatshirt pocket and opened the front door. The smell of dust filled my nostrils and I started coughing quietly. "Shit." I muttered, looking around the room. Most of the furniture was covered with some sheets and the walls would definitely need to be repainted. I would probably also need to renovate the kitchen and bar, buy new appliances and tableware. I was already getting a headache just thinking about how much time I would have to spend here. Two whole months in a place that I should have left behind a long time ago.
I started slowly cleaning the cafe, putting on my favorite playlist. I moved a few boxes, dusted and mopped the floors, hummed songs to myself, completely forgetting that I hadn't closed the door behind me and almost had a heart attack when I heard footsteps behind me. I turned around and dropped the box I was holding, when I saw who was standing in front of me.
"Luke?" I asked in shock, scanning the man in front of me was definitely Luke, but.. he didn't look like my Luke. His hair was no longer dark blonde, it was like a beautiful light blonde, his figure became more substantial, his shoulders were even broader and overall... he looked really damn good. "Oh my god, you almost gave me a heart attack!"
"I saw you through the window and I thought I was hallucinating, but it's really you, Michael." When he said my name, it sent a shiver down my spine. "Why are you here?" he asked calmly. Was fucking he kidding me? Surely he knew what had happened.
"I decided to renovate my mom's cafe, she signed it over to me when she passed away." It was so strange, talking to him after all these years. I felt this strange tension between us.
"I heard, I'm really sorry. I just didn't expect you to decide to come back to Santa Cruz." Something was wrong. I couldn't see my Luke in him, and it scared me. Even his eyes seemed colorless, as if they were empty...
"Well, it was more of a spontaneous decision." I looked around so I wouldn't have to make eye contact with him. God, it was tragic, and after all, we'd spent our entire childhood together. "And you? What are you doing here?" I asked, pushing a fallen box aside with my foot to get closer to him, and maybe to see how much he'd changed.
"I live here.” What? So Luke never left? Did he just let his dreams die? Something was definitely wrong. I knew Luke's mom had died seven years ago and his dad two years after her, but I thought... I really thought he'd managed to escape. "Don't make that face, Mike, it was just meant to be." He shrugged, looking at me intensely.
"I’m not doing, just… ... never mind." I waved my hand, putting on a smile on my face. "I missed you, it's been so many years. I was wondering how you were doing.” Everything I said was true, I missed him, even though he broke my heart and stopped talking to me, despite my texts and calls, I never forgot about him.
"You know, nothing interesting, this place has gone a bit dead, to be honest, since… you left." I noticed a slight twinkle in his eye when he mentioned my leaving, he looked around the room and then looked back at me.
"Okay, I’m gonna head out, I have some things to do.”
"Oh, okay, so see you around then?"I was sad that he didn't want to talk to me anymore. How could I be here for so long, knowing that he is that close to me again?
"See you, Mike." He nodded to me and grabbed the door handle. Before he left, I grabbed his arm which made him turn around to me.
"Maybe... would you like to meet up someday? We could talk and catch up?"I asked, observing his reaction. I had no idea what had happened to Luke for the last 10 years. I couldn't let him leave like that. He looked as if he was struggling with his thoughts whether to agree or not. Finally, he nodded "In our place? After sunset? I asked.
"I’ll be seeing ya, Clifford.” He winked at me and then just left. I felt like I had been punched in the face hearing the words he always said to me when we were saying goodbye.
"I’m totally fucked." I muttered to myself, leaning my head against the window, it's going to be a tough two months.
***
It's been two weeks since I got back to Santa Cruz and I was finally going to meet with Luke. To say I was literally shitting my pants was an understatement, I deliberately put off our meeting because I was afraid of what would come out of it. We were supposed to meet after sunset today.
I visited the shop where we always went several times a day as kids, sometimes just to sit there and be bored with Sally, who now was even older than I remembered, but 10 years had passed and Sally was maybe a little over 60 when I left.
"Michael! My God, my darling." I was really trying to be inconspicuous and Sally just dropped everything to hug and kiss me over my cheeks. "Look at you! What a big boy you are." The lady grabbed my cheeks. "And so handsome.” She looked at me with a smile and then hit me with a cloth she always had with her "So many years, and only now you remembered about poor, sick Sally.”
"Ouch! No, Sally, you know that's not true.” I muttered, walking towards the counter where the woman was now putting out the goods. "Sure, sure." She sighed. "I'm sorry about your mom, she was a truly wonderful person."
"Thank you, she really was." I smiled sadly. "Sally... Do you know what happened to Luke these past few years?" I asked, hoping that maybe I could find out at least a little something.
"Oh? You haven’t seen each other yet?"
"We ran into each other like more than a week ago, but, well, let's just say the conversation wasn't really flowing." I grimaced at the thought of how awkward this meeting was.
"I don't know much, Mike. I only know that after you left, he became very withdrawn. His parents even signed him up for therapy, I think they diagnosed him with depression, but you know how it is with these rumors. When his parents died, he broke down even more. He didn't leave the house at all, for a few months, no one saw him. We only knew he was alive, because the restaurant was always open..." She turned to me and whispered. "You didn't hear this from me, but... apparently, he'd been going to Los Angeles every month for a good year. Some of the clients suspected he'd finally found himself a girl, but I don't believe it. The guy always had a soft spot for you." She winked at me, and I blinked slowly. That really was a lot of information for someone who "didn't know much." Did Luke suffer from depression? It didn't sit right with him, and the fact that he was going to LA... why? Why would he go there every month? I had to find out the truth.
"I doubt he had any feelings for me, he proved how much he cared about me 10 years ago." I replied. Besides, Luke had always only liked girls, right? He wasn't like me, although I discovered I was bisexual after I left Santa Cruz Yeah, I wonder why?. Sally sighed and shook her head, heading to the back of the store. "Oh, kids these days." I said goodbye to her and left the store. My stomach was tightening at the thought of confronting the person I once had so many feelings for.
***
I arrived at the beach just before sunset, inhaled the sea air, remembering the old days. To be honest I missed this place more than I wanted to. Luke was waiting for me at our place as always, he had a few beers with him, one of which he had already drunk.
"Hey.” I said and sat down next to him on a rock, without saying anything he handed me a beer.
"Thanks." we sat in silence, sipping the drink and staring at the sea, just great. "I saw Sally." I started slowly, holding the bottle in my hands.
"She hasn't changed much, has she?" Luke muttered, taking another sip.
"Yeah, she's still a gossiper." I didn't know how to start this topic, but if I wanted to understand it again… "She told me some things about you, about what was going on." I looked at him uncertainly, Luke just nodded slowly, absorbing my words.
"So what did you find out, huh?" Luke asked, laughing sarcastically.
"That my leaving fucked you up." I laughed nervously. "That you were in therapy and that you suffered from depression."
"I still am.” He corrected me, "You can't completely cure depression."
"And then your parents died and it completely destroyed you and I… Fuck." I looked at the sand, I regretted so much that I wasn't there.
"It wasn't your fault, Mike, I don't want you to blame yourself. It was hard, but it's better now, really.” He remarked, looking at me, this time his eyes reminded me more of the old Luke, I smiled slightly.
"I know just... you didn't deserve all this."
"Maybe." he shrugged, taking another large sip of his beer. "But you don't have to think about it, seriously. I feel better, sometimes I have some episodes, but that's normal. The pills are helping. I'm fine, really.”
I wanted to believe it so much, but the thought of 17 year old Luke, locked inside four walls, unable to get out of his own bed... made me feel sick to my stomach. After a few beers, our conversation finally became more relaxed. We talked about the biggest bullshit, feeling comfortable with each other for the first time in a long time. I felt like we were kids again, with the whole world in front of us. Being a bit tipsy, I came up with a really stupid idea. "We're going swimming.” I announced, getting up and taking off my clothes. So what if the sun had set long and it was dark, the only light was the streetlights near the beach and the port nearby.
"What? Michael!" Luke tried to stop me, but I was already diving into the ocean in my boxers. „Come on!” I rushed him, smiling all the time.
"Ah, Fuck it.” Luke muttered, taking off his clothes too, and ran after me into the water.
"I can't believe you agreed." I swam up to him, stopping close.
"I had no choice." Luke said. We looked at each other intensely, there was still so much between us, so many unspoken things.
"I had no choice either when you forbade me to stay with you.” I started, feeling the alcohol buzzing in my head.
"Michael.. Please don't start.” He said quietly.
"It was my decision, Luke, you hear me! I wanted to stay with you and you just rejected me! Like I meant nothing to you!" I splashed water in his face.
"Because you didn't mean okay?! Are you happy?" He muttered, wiping the water from his face.
"Oh yeah? Then why did you come to Los Angeles for a fucking year? To fucking sightsee? What's your problem, Luke?!”
"My problem? What's your problem, Mike! Why can't you just fucking let it go!"
"Tell me why.” I said with pain.
"Michael for fuck's sake-”
"Why?!" I shouted, thinking that the whole city must have heard me. Luke sighed loudly and ran his wet fingers back through his curls.
"I was hoping to see you, I was deluding myself, I don't know, l'd fucking meet you and fix everything!"
"Well, you didn't have to fuck everything up 10 years ago! I wanted to stay for you, and you preferred to suffer in silence!”
"Michael, fuck, you couldn't stay, it was your dream. I couldn't take it away from you-"
"Just shut the fuck up! That dream was fucking worthless without you. I needed you, Lu-" I felt my eyes getting wet. "You don't even fucking know how hard it was to learn to live without you. How hard it is to live without the one person who truly understood you and suddenly decided to leave you, because they were a fucking coward and-"
My racing mind was interrupted by his hot lips on mine. My mind was now clouded only by him, his name, his touch, his lips. After a moment, I kissed him back, slowly tasting his lips as I wanted to deepen our pleasure. Luke pulled away from me, terrified, as if he suddenly realized what he had done.
"I.. I.. I'm sorry, Michael." I've never seen him so scared in my life. He looked terrified. "Fuck." He muttered and started swimming towards the beach.
By the time I reached the shore he was gone, once again I was standing alone on the beach, my heart beating heavily and tears in my eyes, but this time knowing that I had always been in love with him and I finally decided to fight for him.