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As a child, Audrey lived in a normal upper middle-class Paradisusian neighborhood where all the houses had high cement walls. Whenever there was a rainstorm, she would patrol the sidewalks looking for snails (her favorite animal). They often got flooded onto the pavement. She carefully coaxed them to crawl onto a leaf so she could carry them back to the safety of the grass. Just as she’d finished transferring a snail, a construction van pulled up.
Immediately Audrey climbed up the closest tree. Everyone knew that vans were dangerous. Even if this one appeared to be headed toward the empty house across the street mostly destroyed in a fire.
The construction workers did not turn out to be kidnappers or a hit squad. Under Audrey’s fascinated eyes, they tore down the fence around the abandoned house, working rapidly with robot assistance.
Over the next few weeks, the burned shell transformed into a miniature castle painted pale pink. It had five small towers, with a clock embedded in the highest square tower. The caps gleamed blue and gold. Artful ivy grew around the stained glass windows, giving this place the impression of a castle where a princess might have been sleeping for hundreds of years. A moat flowed around, protecting the brilliant flowering garden. Even with this security precaution, it was rare for a Paradisusian home to be so openly revealed to the world. The ancient oak front door was perhaps the most magnificent part, surrounded by rose vines. Gold decorated the frame. A smoky ruby smoldered on the handle, looking for all the world like the kind of gem that might capture the soul of a cursed prince or attract dragons to battle over it.
Of course Audrey knew better than to approach any pretty-looking building. Her parents had raised her smarter than that. Beauty was a trap to lure the unwary. Instead she only watched from her house across the street with binoculars.
The person who moved in looked as beautiful as the house, arriving in a flamboyant sparkly pink pantsuit. Blond hair rose up in a high pompadour, topped with a golden tiara. Blue eyes sparkled behind a small pair of spectacles. Between the burly build and the perfectly made-up round face, this gorgeous person did not quite seem to be a man or a woman.
It was the talk of the neighborhood when Skyler invited everyone to a barbeque. As a general rule, yanderes did not socialize much with neighbors. They certainly did not share food. But curiosity was a universal trait for all humans.
The catered barbeque had the same beautiful fairy tale theme. Dozens of different roast meats spread out down the long wooden tables, including an entire pig with an apple in its mouth, a feathered swan that opened to reveal the cooked meat inside, and lamb lollipops hanging from an artificial tree. The staff cooked the food in front of the guests and politely provided free poison tests. Skyler fluttered around in a sky-blue robe, ensuring everyone had full cups of the drink of their choice. By the time the ten-tier rainbow cake rolled out, most of the neighborhood agreed that if Skyler had planned this all to kidnap someone, then they would help provided it wasn’t an immediate relative.
Yet the evening passed without incident, even as the guests began to depart. Until Audrey spotted one of the cleaning staff crying in his car.
Audrey immediately stepped backward and looked around for her parents. She’d learned in school to never help anyone unless she didn’t mind being chased by an obsession for the next few decades.
The crunch of gravel made Audrey hide behind a tree. Skyler strode down the pathway, high heels kicking up a cloud. They cried, “Dan, whatever is wrong?”
Dan turned away, immediately hiding any sign of weakness on his face. “I beg your pardon ma’am.” After a pause, he added, “My beloved is taking a plane back to Belgium, all because my brother convinced her that I cheated on her. It’s too late to stop the plane. I need to take sick leave for the rest of today.” In Paradisus, beloved trouble was always an acceptable excuse for emergency leave from work and would generally garner sympathy from all but the darkest of flags.
Skyler’s shadow exploded into glitter. Briefly the shadow appeared as a five inch long white furry critter with a pink shell like salmon on sushi rice. (A pink fairy armadillo, Audrey would later learn.) Then the shadow merged with Skyler’s body, granting them semi-translucent pink wings. A wand topped in a pink rose appeared in their hand. A ray of light beamed down on them like a spotlight, capturing the sparkles of glitter floating off their magnificent robe. (It looked so impressive, Audrey would later be astounded to learn that Skyler’s name gave them the power to look like a fairy but not a whole lot else. Being fabulously wealthy took care of most problems.)
“Not on my watch,” Skyler said firmly. “You already have everything you need to get your beloved back.”
Dan gaped at the glitter. “The power of money?”
“No, silly, the power of true love! I’ll be providing the money.” Skyler whipped out their phone. “Which airport? I have people who can be bribed in every one. We’ll bring down the plane with a mechanical failure. Oh, and you’ll need some new clothing for your arrival. Do you prefer a grey or black tuxedo? Both colors suit you.”
“Why?” Dan managed to stammer.
Skyler beamed and glittered even brighter. “Because I’m a fairy godparent to yanderes everywhere.”
It was the coolest thing Audrey had ever seen. Even fifteen years later, she still admired Skyler’s coolness, despite the self-proclaimed fairy godparent currently fixating on her love life.
Like any top student in safety tutoring, Audrey met Cupid’s Arrows at a public location. She picked a library because librarians were almost as notorious as social workers for annihilating their enemies. People who worked at libraries had a true yandere passion for books and a legal license to kill those who did not pay overdue book fines.
In mid-morning, all the study tables in the teen section were free. Audrey folded her hands on the wooden table. She had never been comfortable speaking to strangers. These looked like weirdos too: an old man in a cupid’s mask, a jester, and a woman dressed in garishly bright yellow with her eyes poking out of a cloth marigold. Paradisusians in general had extreme ideas about privacy, and it wasn’t surprising for matchmakers to wear masks. They often faced trouble from unhappy clients or yanderes who wanted the private information of someone they’d been on one blind date with. From Audrey’s perspective, not knowing their expressions made her even more anxious. Her dark brown hair fell like a curtain over her eyes. When she didn’t see them, she had a bit more confidence. She gulped, then stammered, “I need the worst yandere you can find to go on a date with me so my godparent will give up on matchmaking me.”
Cupid’s Arrows all looked at each other. Even with masks, they seemed to know each other well enough to exchange some subtle signals. Finally Marigold asked, “You don’t know our profession, do you?”
Audrey raised her gaze. “You’re matchmakers, right? I picked you because Skyler has a grudge against you.” Skyler had contacts with most other matchmakers, always eager to offer help and funding. They invested in several matchmaking businesses, with partial ownership in Fox Matchmaking. None of Skyler’s friends could be relied upon to help Audrey. For a yandere, Skyler had a lot of genuinely grateful and affectionate friends.
Jester laughed. “We’re a special kind of matchmakers!” He leaned back dangerously low in his chair, shuffling playing cards over his head in an impressive arch.
Grandfather’s dark eyes twinkled behind his mask. “This sounds like an interesting story. My curiosity brought me here—that, and a desire to tweak Skyler. One of these days I absolutely must matchmake Skyler, it would be a shame for someone who loves love to never find it, but it never seems to work out.”
This probably connected to whatever incident had led to the enmity. Audrey chewed on her lip. “I have a lifelong passion for snails, the most interesting creatures in existence. Did you know that snails have both male and female genitalia? And more teeth than sharks? Some varieties have 27,000 teeth. They can stretch to twenty times their length.” She forced her mouth closed and shoved down the white morning glory poking out of her ear. She had to remind herself that not everyone wanted to know all the interesting facts about snails, for some inexplicable bad taste. At her job with Animal Protective Services, everyone was obsessive about animals and indulged each other’s particular passions, which made it easy to forget the rest of the world didn’t care.
Sinking down in her seat and hiding her face, Audrey tried again. “I won a grant to travel to Vietnam for efforts to conserve and breed the Vietnamese giant snail. They were thought to be extinct until a handful were discovered in Vietnam. It took me months to get permission to travel abroad. Fortunately I don’t strike foreigners as a scary yandere, and I have a gift for handling snails. They are drawn to my plant, snails are important pollinators of dwarf morning glories. I believe it’s my duty to protect them in return. They are important to the ecosystem, as you probably know.” Her gaze sought out Marigold, seeking understanding from a fellow flower.
Marigold shrugged. “I don’t have a marigold power.”
“Oh.” Audrey struggled to get her rhythm back and not be distracted by Jester balancing cards on his nose. “My grant got canceled at the last minute. The funding was diverted to a project to save the whales, as if those bloated plankton eaters don’t get enough money already. Everyone wants to save the cute animals like whales and tigers and elephants! NO ONE APPRECIATES THE DIVINE PERFECTION OF SNAILS! THE BEAUTIFUL SPIRAL OF THEIR SHELLS CONTAINS THE MEANING OF THE UNIVERSE! I APPLIED FOR HUNDREDS OF GRANTS AND THEY ALL WENT TO MORE POPULAR ANIMAL CONSERVATION INSTEAD!” Audrey clutched at her face, where white flowers sprouted all over from her freckles. Leaves forced their way out of her nails. A vine twisting out of her mouth shattered her mad grin like a cracked mirror. “They want adorable, do they? The Vietnamese giant snail has a beautiful colored shell! They can grow up to seven centimeters. They eat leaf litter, essential for nutrient cycling in tropical forests. RESPECT THE SNAIL!” She panted, flowers poking all over her body.
Jester balanced five playing cards on each finger, twirling them. Another one was on his nose. “What does this have to do with Cupid’s Arrows? Do you want us to matchmake you with a wealthy yandere who can fund snail conservation?”
“Uh, no, Skyler agreed to fund my mission—if I look for love. My unwillingness to be matchmade has been frustrating for them.” Audrey’s flowers wilted. She slumped in her seat again. This next part of the story didn’t make her look very good. People might sympathize about stealing money from someone trying to vault you or a love rival, but it looked so much worse to trick your rich godparent who had no obligation to give you anything to begin with. Skyler had been the godparent to every kid in the neighborhood, generous with gifts, yet it had gotten frustrating for her to see her married older brother always got more expensive presents and even an entire house so he could treat his beloved. “I need someone to pretend to be my lover and act like such a terrible person that Skyler agrees to ship me off to Vietnam if I just dump the loser.” Defensively, she whispered, “I wouldn’t scam my godparent if not to save my precious snails. The Vietnamese giant snails are preyed upon by poachers for their brilliant shells.” Her nails dug into the table. “I’ll make those poachers pay, oh yes!” Her insane laughter filled the library. A librarian shushed her without looking up from the computer or seeming concerned. Plenty of yanderes had insane laughs.
Marigold chuckled. “You are just begging to be matchmade with someone who has a snail shadow.”
This again? Audrey rolled her eyes. “Like I’ve never been told that before. Just because I like snails doesn’t mean I will like the person attached. I don’t want to fuck snails.”
Jester caught his cards with a flourish. “The young lady has the right of it. She would be better suited to someone who understands and shares her passion for snails.”
Grandfather kept staring at her with the same intensely assessing gaze. Audrey squirmed in her seat. She was getting a bad feeling, and safety tutoring had taught her to trust her instincts. “I don’t want to be matchmade at all.” She wasn’t interested in love, which she knew to be a bad cliché in Paradisus. But she wasn’t scared of love like some yanderes, just focused on her mission. “Of course I considered letting Skyler set me up on a few dates for the money, but the risk of someone vaulting me and keeping me away from Vietnam would be too high. I’m only paying you for a fake match, not a real one. Surely you don’t work for free.”
Grandfather beamed at her. “Oh, we often find love for people who can’t pay on a charitable basis. We take pride in helping the unloved and often impoverished.”
Audrey was deeply impressed. Not many yanderes cared about charity. “As someone whose work relies on the charity of people who love animals, I respect that.”
Grandfather twinkled even harder. “I respect your passion for snails.” He seemed like such a nice old man. Her shoulders relaxed.
Marigold said, “We have principles. We find love for everyone who hires us.”
“Ah, but in this case we must view finding love from a different lens.” Grandfather raised his finger, and the other two fell silent, even Jester ceasing humming. “This young lady has a genuine yandere obsession for saving snails. We cannot interfere with her mission. Her calling lies in Vietnam. In this case, I believe that fulfilling her love means helping her save this interesting Vietnamese snail.”
Audrey wiped a petal from her eye. “Thank you for understanding.” Finally, someone who accepted her love as valid instead of telling her that she would stop caring about snails after she found a beloved! She didn’t consider herself to necessarily be platonic yandere over her hobby, she didn’t know what she wanted in the long run, but anyone she fell for would need to appreciate her passion for snails.
Jester waved his hand in the air, shedding cards. “Me! I volunteer to be the annoying boyfriend from hell.” He yanked an Ace of Diamonds out from behind Audrey’s ear. “You won’t regret using me. I have a history with dear Skyler.” His teeth gleamed in a malicious grin. “And I excel at pissing people off.”
Audrey had arranged to introduce her fake boyfriend to her godparent at a small Italian restaurant known for great anti-poison security and homecooked style meals.
Jester waited outside the building, talking rapidly into his phone: “This isn’t a wrong number, it’s me. You deserved to hear from me personally that I’m going on a date, but as I explained, not a real one. I’m on another charitable mission that you would surely approve of, helping a client with a meddling godparent. I would never want you to believe I’m a fake yandere who switches obsessions, my heart will forever be crawling into your chest cavity—um, there’s no need to joke and ask who I am. No, this isn’t a prank call!”
Audrey cleared her throat. “What are you doing? If Skyler overheard, you’d give us away.”
“Aw, she hung up.” He pocketed his phone. “I needed to reassure my beloved that I’m not on a date with someone else.”
It didn’t sound like his beloved cared, but Audrey was too polite to point that out. He still wore that silly costume, but then she wanted him to make a bad impression. Seriously, though, did he never take it off even to wash it? Did he have ten of them in his closet?
The restaurant had a cozy atmosphere with only five booths, an old pinball machine in the corner, and an open kitchen where the food would be prepared in front of them so they could check for poison.
The chef, Maria, greeted Audrey with a kiss on each cheek. “How wonderful that you have found love!”
Audrey lied, “I’ve been feeling an itch like I might reach full bloom soon, Nonna Maria.” Everyone in the neighborhood addressed the elderly Italian woman as grandmother.
Nonna Maria gave them a window booth and brought two menus. Jester used his menu to scratch his head. Every movement made him jingle, even though the bells on his cap had been silent in the library. He must have a way to control it, because it looked like the same purple hat.
Skyler arrived minutes later, in a red dress dripping with sequins and a red bowtie. “Dear Audrey, I’m delighted that you found love—you motley fool.”
Jester waved with two fingers. “Aw, you have a pet name for me, pixie stick.”
Skyler’s shadow hissed. “He’s too old for you, Audrey.”
Audrey pouted. “Didn’t you say that age was only a number when my brother fell in love with a woman ten years older?”
Unable to retort, Skyler plopped down with a scowl. “Has he explained to you what he does for a living?”
“He’s a matchmaker. I thought you’d approve,” Audrey said innocently.
“He matchmakes people against their will!”
“So do you, godparent.”
Skyler squirmed. “Not like that.”
Jester bounced in his seat like a toddler. “Bread, please? What’s the wait? I’m hungry.”
“I’m coming,” Nonna Maria grumbled. The restaurant was so small, she was currently the only one working. She brought them glasses of water, a lemonade for Audrey, and a basket with round, crusty bread. Then she took their food orders.
Audrey got the fettuccine alfredo as usual. Out of habit, even though she’d been here before, she scanned the appetizers just to make sure there was no escargot, so she wouldn’t have to LAY DOWN THE SMACKDOWN, how dare people eat snails? NO ONE TREATED PANDAS LIKE THIS! She covered her mouth to restrain the mad furious laughter.
Jester ripped into bread with his bare hands. He constructed a little bread sculpture with four limbs and a giant head.
Skyler growled, “That bread was for all of us.”
“Good point, glitter rat.” Jester waved, jingling. “We need more bread for the table.”
As Jester ate his bread sculpture, he chewed with his mouth open, crumbs spewing everywhere.
“How did you two meet?” Skyler asked with a strained smile. “How long have you known each other? It’s never wise to rush an obsession. This is a lifetime commitment. And you could do better. So, so much better.”
“We met at the library.” Audrey batted her eyes at Jester. She feared overacting, so she stopped herself. “He appreciated my passion for snails.”
Skyler wiped sweat off their brow. “You must be confusing your love of snails for romantic love. It happens all the time to people new at dating.”
As soon as Nonna Maria arrived with another round bread, Jester stuffed it into his mouth. Around the chewing, he called, “We need more bread.”
Wing buds popped out of Skyler’s back. They growled, “I would have liked some bread too.”
“What’s a sparkle bug going to do about it? Sour my milk? Too bad, I got water.” Jester kept chewing as he spoke. What he didn’t eat of the bread got turned into mashed lumps shaped like mice, which no one else would want with his fingerprints all over them.
Maybe the reason some people dated assholes was because they could be amusing when happening to someone else. Audrey thought it would be suspicious if she didn’t put on a pretense of scolding him. “Dear, don’t be rude.” She leaned forward and whispered to Skyler, “I think he’s just in a bad mood about me going to Vietnam and us being in a temporary long-distance relationship.”
Skyler twitched. “A long distance relationship should only be undertaken if you are serious. Are you serious about my goddaughter, jack-in-the-box?”
“None of your business, shoemaker.” Jester wiped his mouth, sending crumbs falling on the table. “What’s the point in being a fairy godparent to yanderes? You are spoiling them too much, Tinkerbell. A real yandere doesn’t need help with love.”
Skyler’s wings snapped open, glitter filling the air and claws on their fingers. “CARE TO STEP OUTSIDE, YOU JINGLY MORON?”
As the third bread arrived, he immediately grabbed it for himself. “Don’t mind if I do, this bread is great.”
Nonna Maria’s jaw twitched. “I will bring another one.”
Skyler’s wings and claws retracted. “No, we don’t want to impose, I’m sorry about him.”
Jester hummed, annoyingly out of tune and spewing more crumbs from his mouth. “I don’t know if I’d call us serious, but we’re serious in the sheets, if you know what I mean.”
Skyler’s shadow swelled up to an absurd size. Jester immediately ducked his head behind Audrey, using her as a shield and pushing her against the table. It would have been infuriating if he hadn’t been acting perfectly.
Audrey said, “Godparent, please, you know I’d have to defend my boyfriend, and you don’t want to cause damage to Nonna Maria’s restaurant.”
The shadow shrank down. “Once we’re outside the restaurant…then I’ll show you what I think of a coward who hides behind my goddaughter…”
Peeking out from behind Audrey, Jester made a threatening gesture. “You don’t scare me, birdfood. I’d rip off your wings like a moth.” Then he immediately hid again.
Somehow, Skyler restrained from murder, perhaps because the pasta arrived on a small silver cart.
Patting his stomach, Jester said, “I’m full of bread. You can take back my meal. I won’t pay for it if I don’t eat it.”
Nonna Maria made a choked sound. Oh, no, she was going for the kitchen knives. Phew, she had stopped to decide which knife she liked the least.
Skyler growled, “Restaurants don’t allow you to drink the water and eat all the complimentary bread without ordering anything.”
Jester said, “The reason why fairies have wings is so you can fuck off.”
“I’m sorry Audrey, but that is over the line. You can meet someone new at his funeral.” Skyler leapt to their feet, glitter swirling and wings out.
The Lone Gunwoman stepped into the restaurant, flashing an ID. “Social services, I’m here to arrest a human trafficker.”
“Whoa,” Audrey gasped, starry-eyed. She knew the Lone Gunwoman immediately from the annual sexy calendar sold by the Social Services Division to make extra money. She was a huge fan.
Jester gasped, pressing both hands to his cheeks. “You came! You’re jealous!” An actual tear fell from his eye.
The Lone Gunwoman snorted. “You’re a criminal, and you told me your location. Of course I had to duty to arrest you before you drag an innocent civilian into who knows what. Don’t make it weird. I’d have done the same for any criminal.” She aimed a gun. “Can we take this outside so we don’t damage this adorable restaurant?”
Jester whispered to Audrey, “She’s a tsundere.” He dodged just in time to avoid a bullet where his forehead would have been. “Outside! This place makes too fabulous bread to be destroyed.”
As the sounds of gunfire and battle came from outside the restaurant, Audrey said in a monotone, “He was cheating on me? I’ll text him that he’s dumped.”
“Excellent decision, my dear girl.” Skyler took their phone out. “I’m ordering you a first class plane ticket to Vietnam. I’ll cover everything you need on the trip. A change of scenery will make you forget all about the village fool.”