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Peter groaned, opening his heavy eyes, his vision blurry as he lifted his head that felt like it weighed a ton. He blinked, looking around the dark, damp, strange room he was in, as he went to raise his hand to his head.
Instead, his arms were locked and a rattle could be heard, as he looked behind the chair he was sat on, sighing at the metal chains wrapped around his hands and ankles, tying him to the chair.
He was kidnapped. Again.
Matt was going to murder him.
Suddenly, he could hear a scuttle next to him, and he stiffened, whipping his head to his side, eyes widening as he came face-to-face with an unconcious Tony Stark, aka his mentor/father-figure.
As he looked around the dark room, his eyes adjusting to the lack of light, he noticed more figures tied around him, all unconcious and limp.
The Avengers and...his Decathalon team?
"What the hell." he muttered, tearing his gaze away as he inspected the room. A small bulb in the corner emitted a dull, yellow light, illuminating a small area of the place. The walls were covered in mold and abestos, and it smelled like crap too, which certainly didn't help Peter's enhanced senses, as he had to breath through his nose to keep the nausea down.
The far wall had a huge mirror mounted on it, and as Peter looked closely, he saw how his reflection wavered, as he could make out a faint shape on the other side. A double-sided mirror then.
He spotted a table pushed against the wall, covered in lumps of items. Guns, arrows, an Ironman gauntlet-
They had left their stuff in the same room as them. What dumbasses.
He looked at the corners, noticing two security cameras in each far corner of the room, but there was no red light indicating they were turned on. The cameras weren't even synced currectly; it created a huge blind spot in the middle of the room for a couple of seconds.
Peter sighed; he was dealing with idiots.
Closing his eyes, he concentrated, blocking out his other senses as he focused on his hearing like Matt had taught him all those years ago. He could hear heartbeats outside, as well as chattering and laughing, but he ignored it, pushing past it, till he could hear the outside.
There was the sound of traffic, the loud blaring of horns, the sound of feet hitting the pavement, the sound of street vendors-
Those lazy assholes.
Peter could have laughed. They were still in New York, in Manhattan. They hadn't even bothered taking them out of the area.
They were clearly amateurs. Beginners. He wasn't suprised they had kidnapped him; last he remembered, he was sleep deprived and hungry as hell, so he was excused for being a little distracted. But the Avengers? That was just sad.
Suddenly, he heard a grunt next to him, as he quickly dropped his head, resting his chin on his chest and let his body fall limp, pretending to be unconcious, like Jessica had taught him. His metabolism meant he got rid of the drug in him quite quickly, but that meant the other supersoldiers were also slowly waking.
There was a shuffle next to him, and somebody cleared their throat.
"Bucky?" Peter heard Steve whisper, the sound of a thud that was probably Steve elbowing Bucky echoed through the silent room, and more shuffling ensued.
"What the hell is going on?" Bucky hissed, the sound of rattling came from Peter's right, as Bucky struggled against the chains.
"I don't know, I just woke up." Steve muttered. "Tony! Tony wake up-" he whispered, and Peter heard mumbling as he tried to contain his laughter. "Tony!".
"Cap?" Tony groaned, looking around, eyes widening at the sight of his teammates and- Peter.
"Pete! What-" Tony whipped his head around, looking at the random kids also tied up, recognising some from the pictures Peter sometimes showed him from his Decathalon trips.
"Wake the others up. I don't know what's going on." Steve said, whispering to the person next to him. Soon enough, everybody, even the students were awake. The Avengers were confused and tense, as the students whimpered, terrified and crying.
Even Peter, who had pretended to be awoken by Tony, had a scared look on his face. He deserved an Oscar, honestly.
Truth be told, Peter wasn't scared at all. He got kidnapped on basically a weekly basis, and these guys were clearly amateurs who didn't know what to do. He wouldn't even have to do anything, just let the Avengers deal with-
"The cuffs are reinforced." Natasha said, grunting as she pulled at the chains. "They took all our stuff; I can't unlock us."
"Probably vibranium; I can't break it either." Steve said with a resigned sigh.
Okay, scratch that, Peter thought, keeping his face neutral, as he could hear footsteps approaching, climbing the steps.
"Somebody's coming." Bucky whispered, hearing the steps a minute later.
"Okay, kids-" Clint turned to the Midtown students. "Stay quiet, okay? Don't say anything, and let the adults handle it." The students nodded fearfully, eyes wide and full of tears.
"Its okay, Pete." Tony whispered, and Peter turned to him. "Its gonna be okay, bud." Peter nodded with a watery smile (honestly, where was that award), as the door slammed open, the rusty hinges rattling.
"Look who's awake!" The man sneered, stepping into the light, his group of cronies behind him. The man was tall, around 6ft, with bulging muscles and a bald head and tattoos etched on his skin. His henchmen were dressed in all black, wearing masks over half their faces and carrying heavy guns, as the students gasped at the sight of the weapons.
"What do you want with us?" Steve asked firmly, as Baldy (Peter named him that mentally) cackled, his metal teeth glinting in the light.
"Ah, Captain Rogers, not everything is about you." Baldy sneered, looking at Tony with a wide grin, who narrowed his eyes at the man. "Stark. Good to see you."
"I don't feel the same." Tony drawled, lifting his chin. "What do you want with me?".
"Your money. Your fame. All of it." Baldy said, striding towards Tony, grasping the man's chin in his hand tightly. "But first, I want your suits."
"You'll never get them." Tony hissed, and a second later, his head whipped to the side as Baldy slapped him, his cheek burning red, as the students sobbed. Peter's eyes widened, anger coursing through his veins. How dare he-
"That wasn't a question." Baldy said, pulling Tony's face towards him again. "Give me the codes to the suits.".
"Never." Tony spat, as Baldy punched his face again, and the Avengers yelled and cursed at him.
Peter watched the interaction, watched the henchmen and the bald man, watched how they beat the one man who had the information they needed. It was all so stupid.
Peter rolled his lips, trying not to laugh at the absurdity of it all. He lowered his head, hiding his face so nobody could see him, as he contained his laughter. He couldn't, however, stop his shoulders from shaking slightly at his muffled chuckles.
Unfortunately, Natasha noticed, thinking Peter was crying by his shaking body, as her gaze softened.
"Don't cry, it's okay." Nat reassured, and Tony, who had heard her, looked at Peter next to him, despite the bruises on his face.
"Im fine, bambino, don't cry." he slurred slightly, his lips swollen. And Peter couldn't help it anymore.
He tilted his head back and laughed, guffawing as his body shook and he wheezed, trying to take a normal breath, tears forming in his eyes as he tried to control his chuckles. He was aware of the pure silence of the room and how everybody stared at him, as he took deep breaths, his chuckles quietning.
"Sorry-sorry." he wheezed, looking at the kidnappers, who were staring at him with confusion. "It's just-you guys are so stupid." he giggled.
"P-Peter?" Tony gasped, eyes wide as he heard his kid talk for the first time. "H-How-".
"What are you talking about, stupid child." Baldy hissed at Peter, ignoring Tony's splutters, as he stood in front of Peter, who was grinning at the man toothily.
"Im talking about how you're trying to kill the only man who has the information you need." Peter said innocently. "Spice it up a little! Use some torture-ask other people-use some tools-"
"What the fuck." Natasha muttered.
"And how do you know Tony has the codes? How do you know I don't?" Peter asked in fake indiginance.
"Do you have the codes?" Baldy asked, half-confused, half-annoyed by the conversation, as Peter shrugged.
"I don't know, why don't you ask? Use a little torture, c'mon." Peter wiggled his shoulders and eyebrows a little, as the man just stared at him, before shaking his head, pulling on a threatning face.
"Where are the suits?" he asked, as he pulled a knife from his waistband, holding it to Peter's throat, who sighed, as the Avengers yelled at the man, pulling at their restraints.
"Better than before." Peter muttered, before looking at the man with a blank face. "They're in a dark, cold, place, where nobody can find them." he said, as the kidnapper leaned forward, intrigued, and the room fell silent.
"They're in a special place; its called. Up. Your. Ass." Peter said innocently, before he began to cackle as the man blinked at him, pulling back before anger contorted across his face, as he slapped Peter, who didn't even flinch, continuing to laugh.
"What is the codes for the suits?" Baldy asked, voice wavering as he looked at the strange child in front of him, who looked at him with a grin.
"Your mom." Peter deadpanned, as Baldy growled, slapping Peter again, who just howled with laughter.
"My parents are dead." Baldy sneered, as Peter gasped.
"Dude-me too!" he grinned, straightening in his chair. "Orphan twins! Holy shit-can I make orphan jokes now? Nobody ever lets me because apparently it makes people uncomfortable." Peter pouted, rolling his eyes.
"Wha-" Baldy started, but Peter inturrupted.
"Wait-wait-I have a good one." Peter cleared his throat. "Why is my throwing a boomerang my favourite activity?" he asked, supressing his grin.
"W-Why?" Baldy asked reluctantly.
"Because at least it comes back!" Peter cackled, grinning wildly, as one of the henchmen in the back snickered. "See-he likes my jokes!".
"Okay, Im tired of this." Baldy said, as he dropped the knife, pulling a gun out and pressing it to Peter's temple, as the Avengers and Midtown students began screaming, yelling and cursing at the man.
"Let him go!" Ned yelled, in tears.
"He's just a kid-" Tony snarled in desperation.
"Shoot." Peter deadpanned, as the room fell silent.
"Wha-what?" Baldy stuttered, eyes wide.
"Shoot. Me." Peter said, eyebrows raising in amusement. "What are you waiting for? Get it over with! You want me to pull the trigger? You want me to hold your hand?" he mocked, pouting.
"Ill do it! I really will!" Baldy said, as Peter shrugged.
"Yeah, alright buddy." he rolled his eyes. "Go on then." he paused, waiting, as Baldy tightened his grip on the gun, finger on the trigger. A few seconds passed, before the man dropped the gun with an angry sigh, before he walked to the corner of the room, returning with a case that he smacked on the table in front of Peter, who watched as the man zipped the case open, reavealing a set of tools, from scalpels to knives.
"Awww, is that the beginner torture kit? Did you get that off the dark web for 9.99?" Peter gasped, grinning wildly, as Baldy gaped at him.
"Uh-"
"You guys are even more amateurs than I thought at this." Peter laughed, as Baldy hissed.
"What do you mean, stupid ass." the man snarled, and Peter shrugged.
"Oh cmon, you have a beginner torture kit. You take us to an abandoned warehouse, still in Manhattan; you didn't even take us out of the city!". Peter laughed as the man's face paled.
"How-".
"And you have all of our stuff in the same room as us!" Peter tsked, gesturing at the table with their weapons with his head. "You have two cameras that create such a big blind spot even a fucking toddler can get through. You also have 4 guns mounted on the wall pointing at us, and I can bet my last Monopoly dollar, that the button to trigger it is on the other side of that double sided mirror back there-" Peter tilted sideways so he could see past the man at the mirror.
"Hi to the person there, by the way." he nodded at the mirror, before turning back to a very pale Baldy with a smirk. "And it's probably a bright red and labelled 'Big Gun-Do Not Touch'. Did I get that right?" Peter grinned, sitting back in his chair as he looked at the man in front of him with a lazy smile.
"Who the hell are you, kid?" Baldy asked, eyes narrowed, as Peter let out a mock gasp.
"Well I can't tell you that! Defeats the anonymous su-uh, thing." Peter cleared his throat, internally cursing himself for nearly saying superhero. Just then, a glint caught his eye, as he looked at the torture kit on the table. A pair of brass knuckles.
That's when Peter remembered. Every year, the vigilantes of New York made a bingo. Who can get hit in the face with the most weapons. Usually, it would be Deadpool who would win, because he found himself in stupid situations often. However, Deadpool had gone on a job at the start, so the others had a head start this time.
Currently, Peter and Jessica were tied, both needing one more weapon to cross of the list to get full house. Jessica's was a jackhammer (Peter had gotten that pretty early on from a random bank robber), and Peter's last one was...brass knuckles.
Peter smirked. He was totally winning this.
"You could torture it out of me." Peter said innocently, as Baldy looked between the tools and Peter, grinning slowly. "But Ill never talk." he reassured.
"Oh, Ill make you." Baldy said, and Peter laughed internally. Hook, line and sinker. "Ill let you choose-which do you want me to use? Ill use it the whole time, and you'll tell me eventually all I want, as I get it out of you slowly-".
"The brass knuckles." Peter said quickly, as Baldy stared at him, before blinking, as he picked up the brass knuckles, fitting it onto his hand.
"Alright then." he grunted, as he faced Peter. The next second, the man punched Peter in the stomach, as the boy let out a grunt, his stomach throbbing as white hot pain flooded through him, and he gasped, bending over. He could hear screaming from the others as they yelled at Baldy to leave him alone, as Peter blinked away the black spots in his vision, before straightening.
But the whole point of the bingo was that he had to get hit in the face. Damn it.
"That all you got?" he wheezed slightly, looking up at the man, who's eyes were narrowed at Peter. "C'mon man, punch me harder. Hit me in the face." Peter puffed air into his cheek, making it bigger, as he turned his face so his cheek faced the man. "Cmon dude, don't be a pussy-" he was cut off as Baldy snarled, hitting Peter's cheek hard, and Peter had to clench his fists to not cry out.
At least he didn't have to pretend anymore.
Spitting the blood out of his mouth, Peter turned back to the man, eyes dark, as Baldy's eyes widened, stumbling back at Peter's change in demeanour, who rolled his shoulders, before he snapped out of his chains like it was paper, standing up. He ripped off his bloody and torn hoodie, leaving him in a tight shirt, that showed his muscles and scars, as Baldy visibly gulped, and his henchmen tensed.
"My turn." Peter snarled, as the first guard ran up to Peter, holding his gun like a bat to swing at his head. Peter reached up, grabbing the gun without even looking, stopping the man's movements, as he tightened his grip, the metal crushing under his palm. Peter turned to the man, who had gone pale, as he gave him a lazy smirk, ripping the gun from his hand, as he turned it, slamming it into the guard's face, who fell limp.
"Who's next?" Peter grinned, arms stretched, as the rest of the guards ran to him. He stopped the fist coming towards his face, headbutting the man, before he ducked under another punch, elbowing the henchman in his stomach. His Spidey-senses buzzed, as he turned to a man holding a gun straight at him, as he began shooting at Peter, who dodged the bullets effortlessly, every shot missing.
He waited until the man had run out of bullets before he clicked his bracelet, as his webshooters appeared, and he webbed the man closer, punching him hard, before dropping into a crouch to kick the man's feet from under him. The other men had also decided to start becoming trigger happy, as they shot at Peter, who flipped sideways from his crouch to avoid the bullets, landing on his knees, as he webbed a guard's face, using him to slide across the floor.
As he slid, he used his webs to scoop up more people, as he reached the end of his arc, flipping up and kicking a guard in the face. Twisting, he grabbed another man's shoulders, flipping him into a wall, which he webbed him to. He continued his process, webbing and punching people, until only Baldy and him were left, who stared at Peter with wide eyes.
Peter stepped forward, just as the door slammed open, and more hunchmen poured in, holding guns up at Peter, who sighed in exasperation, walking to the wall as he pulled at an old pipeline, ripping out a metal rod from it, as he spinned it in his hand, facing them.
"Come and get me!" he sing-songed, as they ran at him.
Idiots.
The fight lasted less than an hour. More men kept pouring in, and Peter fought them off with ease, barely getting any injuries except for the occasional lucky punch. He quipped every few minutes, laughing at how bad they were.
Blood splattered the ground as Peter whistled a random song that had been stuck in his head, slamming the metal rod into a guy's thigh, the man's scream covering the sound of the wet squelch of his leg getting impaled, as Peter pulled it out and slammed it into somebody else's face.
Suddenly, the door swung open again, and Peter tensed, waiting for more guards. It wasn't guards though.
"Im here to-oh." Deadpool pouted, hands on his hips, as he looked around the room full of bloody bodies. "Awww, Petey pie, I was here to save you! How dare you, you went on a blood spree without me!".
"Wave 18 was a good enough place to stop." Peter muttered, grinning at Deadpool. "Took ya long enough, Wade."
"Sorry kid, somebody decided to stop to have a debate with a guard about My Little Pony." Daredevil said, appearing through the doorway with a sigh.
"I had to! He hadn't ever watched it! What sick motherfucker has never heard of My Little Pony." Wade whined.
"Okay, yeah, thats insane." Peter pointed out, and Wade gestured at Peter.
"See!" he yelled, as Daredevil sighed.
"Whatever. Warning, Frank's here." Matt said, as Peter tilted his head.
"Why is that a warning-".
"Wade, you asshole, Im not singing-" Frank Castle said, gun raised as he stepped through the door, followed by Jessica Jones. Frank looked around the room, and at Peter who was unscathed. "Motherfucker."
"Wha-" Peter started, but Frank held his hand up.
"No, no, let me tell you something kid-"
"Oh, here we go again." Peter rolled his eyes, as Frank pointed at him threateningly.
"Shut up. I came here out of a very important meeting to save your scrawny ass, just to see there was no fucking need-".
"You know you didn't have to come right?" Peter inturrupted. "Danny or Luke aren't here. Or the others-".
"Its cus he cares about you Peter." Jessica inturrupted blandly, as Frank spluttered and Peter grinned.
"I do not-"
"Aww, Frank, I knew you loved me deep down in that cold heart of yours." Peter teased, and Frank glared at him.
"Shut up-"
"Okay, as much as I love this Punisher dad and spiderson thing here-" Deadpool inturrupted, as Frank glared at him too and Peter cackled. "There's some more bad guys who I really want to make them fucking wish they had never come out of their mother's vag-"
"You're not killing them, Wade." Matt inturrupted with a sigh.
"I never said kill, just really make them-"
"Do you two mind shutting the fuck up." Jessica sighed, taking a swing from her flask. "We need to-"
"Oh wait!" Peter inturrupted, waving his hands in the air. "I just remembered!" he cleared his throat, standing straighter. "You are looking at the OFFICIAL winner of the 2026 Vigilante Bingo!" the room erupted in groans and yells.
"How the hell-"
"Already?? Its only July-"
"Howd you get the knuckles kid?" Jessica huffed with a small smile, as Peter shrugged.
"Just had to make a couple of jokes, a few insults-you know the usual. That means-" he gestured at them, as the vigilantes grumbled and rolled their eyes, but bowed mockingly, and Peter waved his hand.
"Yes, yes, bow down to me peasants." he said pompusly, as the others straightened. Just then, Peter paused, remembering something, as he turned to the corner of the room, where Baldy was cowering in fear. Peter blinked at him.
"Yo-You're Sp-Spider-Man." he stuttered, as Peter raised an eyebrow.
"Yeah, no shit sherlock. Who else do you know shoots webs from their wrists?" he drawled sarcastically, as Baldy walked forward, putting on a fake look of confidence.
"You're my greatest enemy Spider-Man, you-" he started, but was cut off as Peter groaned.
"Oh for fuck's sake. What-I didn't say hi to you on the street or something? I stopped your robbery? Put you in jail?" Peter counted off. "Hate to tell ya buddy, but you're like, my villain of the day. Hell, you're my villain of the hour." Peter rolled his eyes, as the man stuttered.
"I went to prison because of you! My wife left me, my family hates me-" Peter blinked, raising an eyebrow.
"What did you do?" he asked, as the man sniffed.
"You put me in prison because I stole this guy's bike-" he was cut off as Peter began to laugh, bent over as tears appeared in his eyes.
"You-you hate me over a bike robbery?" he wheezed, as he looked at the other vigilantes, also laughing, before looking back at Baldy. "Dude, that is the worst villain origin story ever."
"What about the guy who went John Wick over his hamster?" Deadpool giggled, as Peter gasped.
"Holy shit, that dude was fucking mental. Oh god, this is so stupid." Peter snorted, as Baldy tried to fight back, opening his mouth to retort. Before he could, Peter webbed his mouth shut, pulling him closer, before he threw a right hook to his face, as the man fell limp, face bloody and broken in.
"Stupid people." Peter muttered, looking back at the others. "Alright, somebody gets the info, the others fight them off."
"There's still-" Matt paused, tilting his head as he listened. "53 people left." Peter groaned, throwing his head back.
"All brawn, no brain." he grumbled. "Right, as the winner of the bingo, Im going to get the most people-"
"You're just saying that because-"Deadpool scoffed, as he paused, looking at Matt. "Uh, cus-"
"You two better not be planning something." Daredevil grumbled, as Peter and Wade looked at each other.
"Of course not-"
"We would never-"
"They have a bet of who can take down the most bad guys." Frank smirked, as Peter and Wade gaped at him.
"Way to throw a man under the bus." Peter muttered.
"Tough love kid." Frank grinned, as Peter smirked at him.
"Aww, you admit you love me-"
"Oh shut it, punk-"
"Oh, Im on like 56 people now, by the way." Peter said suddenly to Wade, who gasped.
"How-you were on like 12 last night!" he yelled, and Peter shrugged.
"Yeah but I just beat their asses-" he gestured at the bloody soldiers on the floor. "And uh, what was yours again? What, 23-"
"Listen, fuckface-"
"Shut up, both of you." Jessica cut in again. "Whoever gets rid of their, lets say 11, first, go get the information. There's a computer room upstairs."
"Finally, only voice of reason." Matt grumbled, before he tensed. "They're coming." The vigilantes stiffened, all teasing gone. Peter walked towards the door, jumping high as he stuck to the ceiling right above the door, holding a finger to his lips.
The door flew open, as men poured in, altogether, having heard the threat earlier. Peter waited, counting the men as they passed through the door, raising their guns at the vigilantes, until he counted 53, as he slammed the door shut, webbing the handle, and flipping onto the floor, as the guards turned to him in suprise.
"You know what my favourite part of a joke is?" he asked with a grin, as he webbed the closest man towards him, punching the guard hard in the face. "The punch line!" that was enough for the other soldiers to start firing, as the other vigilantes groaned at Peter's joke.
They fought together, as they did often, their actions seamlessly in syc, as Peter rolled over Wade's crouched back to kick a guy with tasers, and Jessica used Frank's gun to slam it into a soldier's head.
It didn't take long before Peter was finished with his little group, turning to see a soldier sneak up behind Wade, as Peter smirked, webbing closer as he took out the guy.
"68 now, Wade!" Peter yelled, as he swung to the vent on the cieling, and Deadpool swivelled, counting the soldiers left.
"That son of a-he stole my guy!" Wade whined, as Peter laughed, ripping the vent open as he crawled inside. Relying on his senses, he slowly army crawled through the narrow, metal vents, trying not to think about the warehouse, or the elevator, or-
Suddenly, he was looking down onto a small room, with a desk with a full PC setup, where a guy with greasy hair and thick glasses was just sitting down, as he opened the computer, typing in the password.
"Got it." Peter whispered to himself, memorising the code, as he quietly opened the vent grate, crawling onto the cieling, as he lowered himself upside-down on his web, behind the guy.
"Hey man." Peter said, as the guy yelped, whipping around, and Peter webbed him to the table, before flipping to the floor, striding to the computer. "Im gonna just-" he pulled out a USB stick (he always carried one in his suit now, after having to carry the entire computer home once and nearly slamming into a billboard), and began copying all the files.
"Jeez, organise your desktop dude." he muttered, looking at the scatter of files on the screen, before just selecting them all, as the progress bar slowly moved forward. As he waited, the silence in the room suddenly became much more evident, as he cleared his throat.
"So, uh, how's the-gang business?" Peter asked awkwardly, as the guy just stared at him with wide eyes.
"Spi-Spider-Man I-"the guy stuttered, just as the computer let out a little ding, the progress bar complete, and he grabbed the USB.
"Great conversation buddy!" Peter said, before slamming the guy's head against the wall, rendering him unconsious. He quickly demolished the computers and other hardware, pocketing the USB as he walked back to the room where he had woken up in, walking over the broken and bleeding bodies the other vigilantes had left.
"Got it." Peter announced, slamming the door open, as the vigilantes turned to him from where they were freeing the Avengers and Midtown students.
"Now we can blow this shithole to the sky!" Wade said brightly, bouncing up and down, as the others shrugged.
"Sure."
"Good with me."
Peter sighed. Technically, Queens was his main city; so if something happened in Manhattan-
"Yeah, go on." he said, as Wade cheered, pulling out grenades from thin fucking air.
"Cmon Frankie, you're with me!" Wade yelled, skipping out of the room, as Frank followed with a sigh and grumble. Peter turned to the Avengers and Midtown students, staring at his bloody state in awe and horror.
"Welcome to the vigilante club." Peter shrugged, as he followed Jessica and Daredevil out the room, grinning to himself.