Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

If Oh Sion could come up with one word to describe his life, it’d be ‘stable’. Mediocre, even. And he likes it that way. Things are good but not too good; exciting but not too exciting. Stable, plain, unassuming, consistent. Those are all words he loves. And he’d like it to stay that way, thanks. 

He’s had enough excitement in his thirty-four years on Earth to last him lifetimes. He doesn’t need any more of it. Not when things are so nice and stable and mediocre and fine.

“Appa!”

Sion lets out a very genuine “oof” as his seven year-old plows full speed into his legs, Megumi already aiming for his waist. Intercepting her is easy, though the bigger she gets the more he’s having to worry about his back. But his favorite part about pickup time is how Megumi’s never any less excited to see him no matter how used to the routine they are; so he, of course, has no qualms about her overenthusiasm.

Megumi’s as sweet as a kid her age can get and Sion’s already dreading what her pre-teen years will bring. Godspeed, Gumi-chan.

“Hi, princess. Go easy on your Appa, huh?” Sion’s just as quick to pull her into a hug, though. They used to have this whole elaborate thing where he’d pull her up and swing her around back in Korea, but since moving to Japan she’s been more shy. So they substitute all of that with a hug so tight she damn-near squeezes his head off of his neck. Sion exhales out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. “How was school?” 

“It was good.” Megumi’s not really a talkative kid. Never has been, though she’s gotten quieter since the divorce. Which Sion thinks is… normal. He doesn’t know what he’d do about it if it wasn’t. She smushes their cheeks together and asks in well-practiced Japanese: “How was work?”

Sion smiles. It’s been exhausting to get her to speak Japanese instead of Korean, even if only just in public. Sion squeezes her a little tighter. “It was good. I’m just happy to see you.”

As always, Megumi’s pleased with very little. She just grins as Sion sets her back down. Having a shy kid is good when you’re an introvert but it took Sion a while to learn how to shut the fuck up when his daughter doesn’t want to talk. Of course she only takes after him in the worst ways - skittish around new people, easy to anger, staunch about routine. His Eomma said that happens when you have kids. It sucks that she was right.

So Sion, as always, follows Megumi wordlessly to her cubby where her bag awaits. She always waits for him to arrive at school before she gathers any of her things. That’s something Sion doesn’t want to think too hard about because the child psychologist said she might be scared of abandonment after her mom left.

And, well. Sion’s all she has. So.

“Sion-san, how are you!” Maeda-sensei, as always, is quick to cut in. He’s like an angel in that way. He has this magical ability to get Megumi to talk when he’s around and Sion is shocked every time. He also told Sion he could call him ‘Riku’ but Sion has yet to take him up on the offer.

He considers it, sometimes, but something about that is… too personal. So alas.

“Oh. Um. I’m good. How are you?” Sion’s tired enough from work to be caught off guard, self-aware enough to be embarrassed about it. He nods over at Riku’s TA, Daeyoung. “Hi.”

They both give him these uncanny smiles that probably are more for the kids than for him. Riku’s quick to provide him with the run-down, too: “Gumi-chan had an amazing day today, she’s really getting a handle on speaking up in class. Some of the other kids were bothering her but I broke it up and it’s been calm since then.” Thank god for Riku’s tenacity. Sion kind of needs all of Megumi’s teachers to be like that. 

She really isn’t the most communicative kid in the world…

“That’s good. I think.” Sion runs a hand down his face and watches Megumi as she takes her tiny randoseru off the hook, then her hat. She’s in her own world like she always is. Does Sion need to be worried about the other kids making fun of her? He looks over at Riku and his voice lowers: “Is she… does she talk to anyone?”

Riku nods. “Yes, she’s started warming up to Maku-chan. He’s over there.” Sion follows where Riku’s gesturing over to some gangly boy hovering on the other side of the room, talking to what looks like an overenthusiastic older sister. Riku drops his voice, too: “I think she’s weary of the loud kids, but Maku-chan is also very shy…”

Sion nods. That sounds like good news. Megumi’s never spent a lot of time with other kids her age - most of her early years were spent around her grandparents and her older cousins - and even now she struggles to get along with other young kids. Sion can hardly call it shyness at this point; anyone with half a brain would call her socially anxious if she weren’t still so young. But there’s only so much you can do to force a seven year-old to open up. 

“And she’s talking in Japanese?” Sion asks this everyday just to make sure. Gumi is very different around him compared to being around people; she’s a little clingier, a little sassier, more receptive to Sion than any school teacher…

But Riku smiles. “Yes, she is. She’s picked it up wonderfully. And Daeyoung-san has been very helpful when she gets confused.”

It’s hard for Sion to not sigh out of relief. When they first moved here he assumed he’d be throwing Megumi to the wolves. Last year she certainly was lost in the mix of Japanese despite knowing the basics since infancy. The fact that Riku’s TA is Korean is a fucking godsend.

So Sion smiles. “Thank you. I’m going to have to send you a card or something…” It takes him a second too long to realize that hardly even sounds like a joke, and so he looks away when it makes Riku laugh. He has a really loud laugh, something that makes Sion’s stomach tumble in a good-bad way. Which is something he’s been opting not to think about.

So. Anyway. 

“Don’t worry about it, really!” Riku says it like it’s no big deal except it is, in fact, a huge deal. Megumi is pretty adverse to strangers, though impartial to authority figures, and she really doesn’t do well with any kind of stern scolding or punishment. She’s independent like that, a little too self aware for her age. Sion drives himself crazy trying to figure out the best ways to discipline her. A teacher like Riku is hard to come by - he may as well be an angel on Earth.

“No, I’m serious, you’ve-” Sion cuts himself off when he feels a familiar set of tiny hands pull at him. Of course it’s Megumi grabbing at his wrists - she always goes for his hands before using her words. Sion looks down. “Yes, baby?”

“Appa,” Megumi says quietly enough that no one else can hear them, “can you carry me?” 

Sion softens. He knows you’re not supposed to indulge kids at this age but she’s all he has, which makes it impossible to say no. “Of course. C’mere.” He grins when she comes up easily into his arms. “Oof. You’re getting heavy.”

Megumi frowns into his neck. “That’s mean.” 

Sion’s grin widens. “Sorry, sweetheart. Your Appa’s getting old.” 

He holds Megumi close and that’s when he realizes Riku’s still sending him a big smile, though now it’s softened around the edges. He can feel himself flush. Maeda Riku is a very… attractive man. Yup, that’s all. Sion has no feelings about that, none at all.

“Gumi-chan, be nice to your Papa,” Riku leans in to chide. “You’ll be a good girl at home, won’t you?”

His tone is sweet, almost doting, though that’s somewhat humiliating for both of them. Just like Sion, Megumi embarrasses easily. Her ears go red and she presses her face into Sion’s collarbone. “Yes, sensei…”

It doesn’t help that Riku knows just how to treat her. He coos, not in the condescending way. Megumi squirms. It’s not the bad kind. She always squirms when she’s doted on. She’s been like that since she was a newborn. 

“Let’s go home so Maeda-sensei can rest,” Sion nudges her. “What do we say, Gumi?”

“Thank you,” Megumi turns back to Riku and bows her head just the tiniest bit. “Have a good day…”

Riku laughs. He ruffles her hair. Sion has to not visibly react to that, but that’s only because Megumi hates being touched by anyone who isn’t him or a few other selective people, like Yushi or Sakuya or his parents. But she lets Riku fuss with her hair, only blushing a little more. What the hell.

“Thank you again,” Sion says on principle, the words automatic. He stares at Riku’s hands for a little too long. Has this man bewitched his kid? And why are his fingers so- how are even his hands pretty? Actually, no, that’s not a thought he’s allowed to think. What the fuck. Absolutely not.

Sion has to chide himself with he’s Gumi’s teacher, you idiot and what the fuck is wrong with you and YOU ARE TOO OLD FOR THIS NONSENSE. Good God.

“Don’t worry about it,” Riku bows, which snaps Sion out of his daze. Because yes, Oh Sion, you are in the middle of a conversation and thinking about this man’s hands like the middle aged degenerate you are becoming. Though Riku doesn’t seem to notice - he’s still smiling. “Have a good night, Sion-san!”

And, well, Sion flushes with a little bow. There’s no reason to embarrass himself any more than he already has, so that’s that.

As always, the way home is quiet. They live within walking distance to the school, but that’s mostly because there’s no way in hell Sion would send Megumi out on public transport by herself and he needs the commute to be short if there’s an emergency and he can’t drop her off. Though that’s rarely an issue now that Yushi’s his boss. If anything, Sion is underworking. He shoulders Megumi’s randoseru and tries not to have a complex about it.

He should be relieved that he’s not a workhorse anymore, not like he was back in Mokpo. He’s not leaving Megumi with his parents for long hours either, which was the other big issue with their arrangement back in Korea; Megumi adores her grandparents but the time she spent apart from Sion while he was managing the farm wasn’t sustainable. But now they spend so much time together. Sion’s definitely grateful for that. It’s just that… well. 

He’s a farmboy. Sometimes his hands are just itching to work. It’s the only thing that sates the restlessness, which probably isn’t a good thing now that he’s thinking about it. But Sion’s not a picky guy - he tinkers around a bit at his job. He’ll take what he can get.

(Though the farm’s always gonna call his name, isn’t it. That’s something he’s still getting used to.)

“Did you do anything fun in class?” Sion always feels like he has the duty to ask that even if Megumi never gives him much of an answer.

“No,” Megumi burrows into his shoulder. “I’m tired.”

Sion chuckles. It’s always been funny to him that his seven year-old is exhausted, of all things, after a day of school. Most of the other kids are bouncing off the walls. But not his Gumi. Of course not.

“Did you make a new friend?” Sion asks her instead. “Sorry. Maeda-san told me about a Maku…”

Megumi shrugs. Of course she does. “He’s not loud. And he’s better than me at math.”

And, well. That’s pretty much the exact answer he expected to get out of her. Megumi’s not really like other girls her age - she’s ambivalent to anything gendered, disinterested in anything besides reading and drawing, is always very practical in her relationships with other kids. There was Haru last year and Megumi was very straight forward about that, too: she helps me with math so I help her with her origami, Appa.

“Maybe we can invite Maku over sometime,” Sion says distantly, even if it’s only because Megumi’s never one to go on play dates, let alone initiate them. Sion respects her aversion to social situations but there are, like, developmental things he has to enforce every now and again. Otherwise his kid’s gonna end up being a NEET or something.

But to his surprise: “Maybe.” Megumi doesn’t sound perturbed by the idea. Which is good. Except, she then adds: “He only has a mom, Appa. Not a dad. Some of the other kids were being mean to us. But Maku’s nice…”

And, well. That doesn’t feel great to hear. 

Sion blinks something out of his eyes. It’s not tears. Pollen, maybe, because he shouldn’t be crying over Megumi going through something every kid on Earth goes through. “You got teased?” It makes sense. Riku mentioned it earlier. But he didn’t think- damn. 

It had to be about her mom, of all things. And Maku’s got a single parent too. At least they have that in common.

“Just a little bit,” Megumi, as always, is ambivalent about the absence of her mom. “It’s okay. Maeda-sensei told them to stop.”

God. Megumi is a very honest kid and Sion isn’t gonna push her if she says it’s fine. She isn’t the type to make waves, but she’s always been very frank with him - is Mama ever coming back? Be honest, Appa. It’s okay if she isn’t.

And no, Sion still doesn’t know how to feel about his-then five year-old being so accepting of a divorce, but alas. His Gumi is her own special kind of person. He’s half terrified that his style of parenting is gonna backfire on him one day but Megumi isn’t the type of kid who you can push into talking about her emotions. She’s firm about her boundaries, which Sion appreciates, but it’s often to her own detriment - if he really tries needling anything out of her, she’ll just freeze him out. Or have a meltdown. 

That’s something Sion struggles not to stress over. Yushi thinks it’s neurotic of him but that’s because Yushi and his kid are spiritually the same fucking person. 

So:

“Okay…” Sion is a little weary. “But if they’re really mean, tell me, okay? Or tell Maeda-sensei.”

Megumi rests her head on his shoulder. Her hands are still tiny, hardly comparable to Sion’s own palms. But she takes one of his wrists in both of her hands and squeezes. “I will.”

And, well. That’s enough. Sion smiles a hesitant, tired thing, but a smile nonetheless - they’re doing the best they can, and so this just has to be enough. 

They get home within twenty minutes. It’s really not that bad of a walk but it’s humid in the summertime and Megumi’s always been on the more feeble side, so Sion’s already accepted that he’ll be carrying her until she’s too big to leave him with much of a choice. Which is… probably not a good thing. Sakuya mentioned he was coaching a soccer team of kids her age. Sion’s been tempted to enroll her, he just needs to figure out a way to convince her into doing it. Maybe the right combination of snacks could work. Or the promise to visit her cousins over winter break…?

Sion can’t help his sigh. Of course Megumi is a couch potato of all things. God, he loves this kid endlessly, but she’s sure got a ton of peculiarities he has to contend with. 

(Though that’s probably his fault. Megumi certainly wouldn’t be his unless she was a little weird, right?)

“We’re home!” Sion calls as he releases his squirming daughter into the calm quiet of the house. As usual, Megumi’s eager to go off to scheme as soon as they’re in through the front door. She pulls off her shoes in the genkan and dumps her bag on the couch and runs off - she could be going to collect a book, art supplies, literally anything. Sion has no idea. 

He only preemptively scolds: “Yah, Megumi! Don’t make a mess!”

“I won’t!” She calls back. Though she definitely will. At least Sion can say he tried. 

Once Megumi’s back in her own space he has no control over her anyway - she’s a whirlwind like that. So Sion takes off his own shoes and plops himself down on the couch and decides that he’ll accept wherever this evening takes them. Yushi and Sakuya are coming over for dinner and he has maybe an hour and a half of peace before the chaos starts up again.

He rubs his eyes, he closes them. He sighs. Wow, this shit is exhausting.

It’s not like Sion was under the impression that being a single parent was easy or anything. Tsuchiko left almost three years ago. She thought she settled down too early, needed to explore her life first. Though of course there was a marriage and a kid destroyed in the wake of that decision - so obviously things ended in a very, very explosive way. Nowadays Sion hardly blames her, more relieved that things ended up as clean-cut as they did. Tsuchiko wants no responsibility over Megumi and Sion won’t ask her for anything; their parenting style together was worse than him juggling this by himself and hunting her down for child support is wasted energy that could be spent on parenting instead. Tsuchiko had a hard time bonding with Megumi, a toddler with bizarre mannerisms and unusual speaking patterns and a staunch aversion to everything social or physical. Megumi hated being dressed up, hated indulging in girly things, hated being coddled, had tantrums way more often. She was subdued after the separation, when they moved back to the farm. She’s bloomed a little more since the move to Japan. Sion is prioritizing her happiness over his own bitterness. 

Megumi is his everything, the best thing to ever happen to him. That’s why they named her that. Megumi; a blessing.

At this point Sion’s glad they moved to Japan. Korea will always be their real home but the more complicated layers of formality in everyday life was harder for Megumi to grasp compared to how it is in Kyoto. She’s bad at putting on a mask, completely unable to speak in that faux-polite tone that’s necessary when talking to anyone above you in the social hierarchy. And maybe that’s just a cop-out on Sion’s part, but there’s some use in Japanese people being as quiet and private as they are. As an adult, Megumi certainly won’t stick out as much as she does now. She struggles in school and she’ll probably struggle with any job that involves socializing, but Sion’s doing his best to help her navigate the facets of her personality that she can control. The child psychologist he consulted back in Korea said her development was stunted - which yeah, no shit - and it might be indicative of a disorder. You know, one of the diagnosable kind, the kind that informs the way she will live out the rest of her life. 

Which is something Sion will address… later.

He barely has the time to take care of the both of them, let alone address everything he needs to. He feels pretty guilty for it, which is another thing he has to contend with. But again, Sion’s time is limited. When it comes to Megumi he has no choice but to pick his battles, and usually the ones he ends up prioritizing are the ones that involve keeping her fed and clothed and sleeping regular hours.

It’d be easier if he had two of himself, Sion thinks sometimes, and yeah, he’s aware of the irony. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t think it anyway. 

It’s not like things aren’t fine as they are. Or, for the most part they are. That’s the one useful thing about having a kid who’s so black and white in the way Megumi is - if she doesn’t hate something, she’s ambivalent about it. Like how she’s indifferent about Tsuchiko’s absence if not slightly insistent she doesn’t have any mother at all (which for their circumstances is pretty much the best Sion could ask for). Megumi’s also indifferent about Japan, though again slightly more excitable now that Sion has so much time for her. She’s ambivalent about school, about her own social deficiencies, the fact that they only have each other. Really the only difference is that she misses her grandparents and her cousins. But Sion makes enough money that they can afford the trip back to Mokpo every year and he’s not yet certain if they’ll be in Japan forever. Not yet. 

But what matters is that things are fine now. And they are. Thank god for that. Sion has very few qualms with his life and he wants it to stay that way.

After maybe twenty minutes of half-dozing off, he’s awoken by the clatter of markers on the kotatsu. He squints an eye open. Megumi’s brought out her whole mess of art supplies to dump across the coffee table along with about fifty million different sketchbooks. Sion doesn’t even know where she got half of those from. Which is not his problem, not today.

“Gumi, careful with the mess,” Sion scolds, again, for the principle of it. But that’s only because she never cleans up after herself only to later have freak-outs when her beloved things aren’t where she wants them to be. Because she’s seven and that’s what Megumi is like at this age, apparently.

“I will,” Megumi lies with a mischievous lilt to her voice. She’s wittier in Korean, coyer. She grins when Sion squints at her harder. She got that sass from him, didn’t he. She’s only like that when it’s just them by themselves.

“Appa cleans after you everyday,” Sion isn’t all that upset but the reminder never hurts. “One day I’m gonna fall and break my back because you leave your stuff out everywhere-”

“I will!” She says, this time with much more petulance. “Go back to sleep! I’m drawing you!”

Yeah, she gets a lot more conniving when it’s just Sion around. But he obliges, burrowing further into the cushions and closing his eyes again. This kind of thing can appease her for hours and Sion isn’t one to complain about having a kid who’s so easily pleased. He’s heard nightmare stories from other parents at the open nights at school - Megumi might be a literal angel.

“You could say it nicer,” Sion grumbles a little bit. It took him a while to not get instinctively peeved by her frankness but he’s learned over time she doesn’t respond well to any kind of reprimanding. All it takes is a gentle reminder.

So:

“Sorry, Appa,” comes immediately, because of course. “Please? I’ll draw you.”

Sion smiles. His kid is really so sweet. “Okay, baby, you’ve got a deal.” 

Again, Megumi isn’t hard to please. She’s able to entertain herself pretty much all day with nothing but a notebook and a marker, and nowadays she likes following Sion around the house and hovering wherever he is. She still doesn’t love being coddled but she’s warming up to it. That’s why when there’s scuffling around the room and a tiny body plops itself across his lap, Sion smiles wider.

“You’re already tired?” His hand hovers over her shoulder. A finger; two fingers. She doesn’t react and so he runs his hand down her back. 

“Hungry,” she says. “When’s Yushi-nii coming?”

Sion huffs out a laugh. She takes after him in that way too, always thinking with her stomach. “Soon. What d’you want to eat? Hamburg steak?” She doesn’t need to know that it’s one of the few things he knows how to cook, which is the whole reason why they have it every week.

“Yes, please.” When Sion peeks down at her, her eyes are already shining up at him. She’s got this built in aegyo beam that he’s almost certain Megumi has no idea she can weaponize. And thank god for that.

“Okay, good,” Sion says. “C’mon, let me get up so I can cook.”

“Fine.” It’s with a good deal of hesitation that Megumi rolls off of him, though he turns on the TV so she can be distracted by Shin-chan while he’s cooking. Megumi isn’t particularly interested in cartoons or TV shows in general but she thinks Shin-chan is fucking hilarious. Sion has no idea why but he’s not complaining.

“Good?” Sion confirms before he heads into the kitchen, smoothing back her hair. It’s a mess. Good thing she likes it short. She’s very particular about her hairstyle so Sion’s careful not to muss anything up too much. 

“Good,” Megumi parrots back. She’s already glued to the TV. Wow. It really does work like magic.

Sion floats into the kitchen. He puts on his apron, rummages through the fridge. It’s been two weeks since their last big grocery trip and this is probably the last of their groceries for the week. He’s not unused to it - he did move from the Korean countryside only to head right to the Japanese countryside - but the store being so far away is a little inconvenient. Megumi will randomly have these bouts of extreme pickiness and he’s almost never prepared for it when that mood comes on.

So. Hopefully tonight will be another easy night, though he can never be too hopeful when he has a seven year-old.

Sion doublechecks Megumi’s settled before he starts cooking - she’s still entranced by the TV - and then he’s taking out a pan, and then all of his ingredients. He’s got the recipe down pat now. It took some refining but the critiques from his Japanese friends helped a lot. Mostly Yushi. He’s picky too, no matter how much he insists otherwise.

It clashes against Shin-chan in the background, but Sion hums to himself while he cooks. He used to hate cooking but now the act is almost sacred. Feeding Megumi is a rewarding thing and he can feel his limbs relax as he sautes the onions, works at the ground pork and beef mixture for the hamburger patties. It’s soothing. These moments of solitude have become increasingly rare over the last few years and it stung to be alone for a long, long time after Tsuchiko left. But now Sion is in his apron, in the house he owns, feeding his daughter her favorite food.

So, yeah. It’s not bad at all.

Time ticks on as he cooks. Or, it’s mostly making the hamburg patties. He’s setting them aside in the fridge when the doorbell rings. Before Megumi can get it, he yells: “Check who it is!”

“It’s Yushi-nii!” Megumi sounds admonished at her father’s nagging, but as always, she listens. There are the tiny stomps of her going over to the door. “Who is it?”

Sion smiles to himself as he washes his hands in the sink. Sometimes he forgets she takes him so literally. But soon enough: “It’s Yushi-nii!”

“Okay, let them in!” Sion calls back. Then the front door opens and in comes the chaos.

It’s just Yushi and Sakuya, but with just them comes plenty of noise and energy. They’re both loud and eager around Megumi, understanding her in a way that even Sion doesn’t. He emerges into the living room at the sight of Sakuya crushing her into a hug.

Sion can’t even scold anymore. Megumi isn’t really delicate at this age and she loves rough housing, almost to a concerning extent. He smiles as Megumi giggles and then moves on to hug Yushi.

“Hyung!” Sakuya greets first. He picked up the ‘hyung’ habit from Yushi, which Sion has mixed feelings about. Sion comes in close. 

“There’s a mess on my apron,” but he still ruffles Sakuya’s hair. “How are you? Is school going well?”

“Yeah, we’re almost on break.” Sakuya is pretty mature for a seventeen year-old but he still has this baby fat that Sion thinks is so, so cute. It’s hard not to smush his cheeks. “How’s work? Is Yushi-nii working you to death?”

“Hey, I don’t work anyone to death,” Yushi scolds. Megumi’s hanging off of his back and he only smiles when she squeezes him. “I can’t boss Sion hyung around. He’s older than me.”

Sion smacks a towel at him. Good thing he always keeps one on hand. “Shut up, like you care about that.”

Yushi dodges the dish towel and bemoans: “Gumi, look! Your Appa is a monster!”

“I know,” Megumi agrees sardonically. “Appa’s so mean.”

The three of them cackle together and Sion can only roll his eyes and go back to the kitchen to prep. They’re both great at keeping Megumi distracted, though it’s definitely weird to think about how Yushi’s grown up enough to be playing with Sion’s kid like this. For so long Sion’s predominant memory of Yushi was him at sixteen with a badly-dyed bleach-blond bowl cut and a pervasive scowl on his face. But now they’re both adults and Sion’s got a kid and everything is…

Well. Things are certainly different now.

The two of them grew up together back in Korea. They were neighbors in the outskirts of town, only six years apart in age, thick as thieves to hell and back. Yushi’s family moved to Mokpo shortly before middle school, then back to Japan after uni, and he returned only briefly when Sion got married. Yushi was very well-behaved during the divorce; he never said “I told you so” even though he very obviously wanted to. He even offered Sion a decent job at his ryokan where all Sion does is maintenance, really. It’s an old building; it’s been in Yushi’s family for generations. The job never gets worse than random house calls in the middle of the night, but that’s hardly anything compared to managing the farm back in Korea. Sion’s slightly ashamed to admit that Tsuchiko was definitely the breadwinner when they were together because her family was huge in the ship building business; they got married as soon as he was out of service, having a kid just as quickly, and for most of that time it was just her working at her dad’s company while Sion took care of Megumi. It didn’t give him much time to put that business BFA to use even though he really gave the farm his best shot after the divorce. 

But none of that matters now. The past is just the past; right now, everything he does is for Megumi. His credentials and whatever else don’t matter. He got this house for cheap, the place in need of some major but manageable repairs. Luckily they were all things he was able to do on his own, bar the occasional help from Sakuya and some of the other high school boys who are willing to do anything for a little pocket change. It gets drafty in the winter but Megumi loves rolling around on the hardwood floors and running about in the garden. Sion thinks the move was worth it.

They’ve got their own slice of family here. It’s small, sure, but plenty mighty. And he’s definitely not taking that for granted. 

Sion washes the rice, sets it in the rice cooker. He’s got miso soup cooling off on a different burner. He cooks up some veggies while he waits for the patties to set. Then he’s heating up the pan and getting ready to grill them. There’s some screeches from the living room, but they’re mostly coming from Sakuya - Sion decides not to worry about it. Megumi doesn’t have the excessive energy that most kids have, so they’ll all be exhausted by the time dinner is ready.

(He smiles to himself. He does really enjoy hearing Megumi’s giggles through the tatami walls. There’s another plus side to this old, shitty house, huh.)

Sion manages to fly through the rest of dinner. The veggies are pan-fried quickly and the patties cook easily enough. The red wine reduction is a bit of a fancy technique for his set of culinary skills but Yushi’s always insistent that he can’t skip it. When Sion’s cooking the sauce down, a head pops into the kitchen in his peripheral: “Appa? Is dinner almost ready?”

“Almost,” Sion confirms. Then there’s a shadow moving in the corner of his eye and he hisses when Megumi’s arms wrap around his waist. “Yah, Gumi, the stove’s hot! You have to warn me!”

“Sorry,” Megumi says, not sounding very sorry at all. She buries her face in his back. She likes doing that, randomly nuzzling into him like a little cat. Sometimes she’s less like a kid and more like a kitten. 

Sion sighs. He can’t get mad even though she never stops sneaking up on him when he’s cooking, which drives him crazy. There’s nothing that makes a parent more paranoid than hot oil. But he hugs her back with one arm anyway. “You’re hungry, huh?” He huffs out a laugh when her arms tighten.

“Yeah. And I wanna play with you.” It doesn’t help that Sion’s heart melts when his usually-deadpan daughter says these things so blatantly. Except: “Yushi-nii brought Mario Party…”

And, well. “So you want to beat me, huh,” Sion says upon realizing she just wants to cream him in a video game. And yeah, he’s a millennial who’s bad with controllers, it’s a sore subject.

“No,” Megumi lies. And then: “Maybe.” At least she’s a terrible liar - that makes Sion’s job as a parent much easier. 

Sion can’t help his laugh. The sauce is done, so he turns off the stove and shakes her off just so he can remove his apron. “C’mere,” Sion says once he’s rid of the thing, then he wraps Megumi up into a hug. “After dinner we can play, okay? But don’t be too mean when you beat me.”

Megumi smiles into his shoulder. “I won’t.” Her tone isn’t so convincing, though.

Sion tuts. “You have to promise.”

“I promise!”

After that, Sion assembles dinner together and brings everything to the dining table. It’s low to the floor, and all his kids await him eagerly with their legs crossed and their hands in their laps. He sets down the plate of hamburger patties, then the veggies, then the rice. Then comes the soup. The effort isn’t lost on his family, at least.

“Looks yummy, Appa,” Megumi is visibly holding herself back from reaching for the food.

“Thank you, hyung,” Sakuya adds.

Yushi nods sagely. “You’re getting better.”

Sion snorts. They don’t have to bribe him with compliments - he can see right through all of them from a million miles away. But even so he only smiles and gestures at the food: “Dig in, kids.”

They all say itadakimasu out of courtesy and then the food is ravaged immediately. They all have table manners but it’s been a long day and both Sakuya and Megumi are fresh out of school - Sion lets them have first picks, especially since there’ll be complaining from both of them if he doesn’t. It’s fine. He’d rather they eat until their bellies are full anyway.

“How’s it taste?” Sion asks Yushi first since Yushi has pretty much always been his metric for confirming if his Japanese cooking is good or not.

“It’s good,” Yushi confirms the second his mouth isn’t stuffed full of hamburger and rice. “You should learn more recipes, though. You know. For Gumi-chan’s palate.”

Sion sends him an unimpressed look as he slurps down some miso soup. “Is that it?” Of course he doesn’t love that Yushi obviously has an agenda when he says that but it’s also true that Megumi’s only getting pickier with age. She’s less lenient to new foods, preferring to stick to the same few favorites on rotation.

“My mom has plenty of recipes she can give you,” Sakuya adds cheerily, even though this isn’t about him.

So Sion just sighs. “You guys only like me for my food.” But then he adds: “I’d love recipes, though,” because he would.

Yushi and Sakuya’s smiles are both screaming with pure and unbridled mischief. “Of course, Nii-chan.” 

Dinner is the same as it always is. Sion feeds Yushi basically everyday, but that’s mostly because Yushi is vastly overpaying him for what is usually just a simple maintenance and upkeeping job. Sakuya usually comes over to babysit Megumi during their busy tourist seasons at the ryokan, but as someone who has also known Yushi since childhood, Sakuya’s presence is more than welcome. Plus Megumi loves it when they come over. She’s certainly more free-spirited around the two of them than she is with other kids, so. 

Sion’s just happy to keep them fed. They chow down everything pretty much right away, leaving some veggies leftover, which Sion rations between the three of them with a stern: “You need fiber.” But they get strawberries after dinner as a treat, so they’ll be just fine.

“These are good,” Sakuya seems surprised by the quality. “They’re not the really expensive kind, right?” He says it suspiciously, as if Sion’s someone who has the money to splurge on fruit of all things when his kid is currently growing out of her clothes faster than he can buy them.

“No, the auntie down the road grows them and gives me a deal,” Sion even cuts the fruit up for them because once you become a parent it just kind of bleeds into everything you do. “I help her with her lawn.”

“What, do you not get paid enough at work?” Yushi asks. He’s being half-serious, but that’s undercut by him licking his lips as he’s offered a fresh strawberry. He munches it down in two bites. Goodness, this boy. 

“I want to help out my neighbors,” Sion sends him a sideways glance and suppresses the urge to wipe Yushi’s mouth for him - yeah, the parent thing has kind of taken over, huh. But then Sion lets out a wistful sigh instead. “You know, I need to lend a hand while I still can. Soon enough I’ll be getting up there…”

Megumi doesn’t even blink. She’s so used to his I’m-so-old-now-woe-is-me shtick that she doesn’t even acknowledge it anymore. Neither does Yushi. Sakuya blinks. “I thought you were, like, thirty.”

“Thirty-four,” Sion nods. He eats his own strawberry. “I’m almost geriatric.”

“He has a complex,” Yushi cuts in, which he gets smacked for. As if he doesn’t have his own complex. Hmph.

These dinners are always nice because they don’t need to talk about work or anything after a full day of everyone being exhausted by their own responsibilities, especially since all four of them are spectacularly terrible at small talk. Instead they clean up the table and take turns washing the dishes - Megumi only has to wipe down the table, which Sion is proud to say she does a terrific job with - and then they bring out the video games. Ugh. Thank god it’s a Friday or else Sion would strangle them for getting his kid so riled up this close to bedtime. 

“Appa, you can be on a team with me!” Megumi even offers her help to him like the angel she is. Sion has mixed feelings about Megumi’s apparent excellence at video games - does he let her play them too much? - but it’s hard to not just let her indulge when she seems to pick up these kinds of things innately. She can memorize the patterns of gameplay and button combos so fast that it makes his head spin.

(Sion wishes he could say she gets that from him, but that’s more of a Tsuchiko thing if anything. Though Megumi is on a whole other level of quick-wit. One day he’s gonna have a hard time keeping up with her, huh.)

So:

“Okay, baby, if you insist.” Sion’s willing to let his kid do all the work just this once. He sits down on the floor, leaning back against the couch, and smiles when Megumi crawls into his lap. It’s a safety hazard but a welcome one. “Gumi, try not to headbutt me.”

“I won’t,” she promises in a distant voice, more focused on selecting her character. Which means she definitely will. But that’s okay. At this point he’s used to it.

Mario Party ensues after that and Sion, as anyone could’ve predicted, is fucking terrible at the minigames. It doesn’t help that Yushi and Sakuya are both a little too good at the whole thing. Megumi used to get pretty competitive when she was first introduced to the concept of video games, but over the past year or so she’s started softening into empathy, even if only during Mario Party. She pats Sion’s knee after he makes them lose a star. “It’s okay, Appa.”

Sion would cry over her sweetness if he weren’t already busy ignoring Yushi and Sakuya’s snickers. “Thank you, honey.” He presses a kiss to Megumi’s head. “Can you teach me next time?”

“Yes, Appa, all you have to do is…”

They play twice. The first time they lose, and then Sakuya and Megumi team up against Sion and Yushi, meaning that the kids win. Of course they do. Though that doesn’t stop Yushi from calling Sion a plight on the sacred game of Mario Party. Because he has his own issues that Sion tries not to involve himself in.

“That’s not nice,” Sion says, though he’s not particularly offended. Megumi’s back in his lap. She’s tired, yawning into his shoulder. “You sleepy, baby?”

“Kinda…” Megumi’s voice trails off. Early bedtimes have never been a problem with her because she managed to avoid inheriting Sion’s staunch insomnia, thank god - she’s an early sleeper, late riser. Sion is the exact opposite. He’s honestly a little jealous. 

“Mm.” Sion smiles when she cuddles into him, even if only because she didn’t used to be this cuddly. She still doesn’t like being incessantly doted on but when she’s tired she’ll start getting clingy. “Bedtime?”

“Soon.” Megumi noses into his collarbone. And, well, he’s fine with leaving her there.

He rocks Megumi back and forth as he and Sakuya and Yushi talk. Sakuya mostly tells them about school. He’s got exams coming up, college admissions. He’s looking at a top school in Tokyo. He’s got the grades for it. Sion didn’t realize just how smart Sakuya was. In all fairness, the kid doesn’t exactly scream “studious.” For fuck’s sake, he’s like a textbook otaku.  

“Ryo tutors me. I don’t have a choice.” Sakuya isn’t a complainer but he makes a tiny face. “He’d kill me if I don’t get into his school, so.”

Sion smiles. “Well, that’s good. You’re close.” Ryo is Sakuya’s best friend. He comes over sometimes and while he’s a good kid, he’s also a whirlwind. Which is putting things lightly. Sion and Yushi used to be like that too, though much more subdued and with a lot more years between them in age. 

“We’re too close, I’d say,” Sakuya pretends to grumble though he’s smiling. “I can’t get rid of him!”

“Don’t worry, you will. I managed.” Yushi sticks his thumb out at Sion. “If you ignore him for a bit he’ll go off and get married and-”

“Yah.” The Korean comes out on instinct. Sion isn’t annoyed but it’s a sore subject around Megumi. He knees Yushi gently in the thigh. “Let’s not talk about my bad decisions while my kid’s here.”

Yushi blinks like he didn’t even realize it. “Sorry.”

Sion huffs out a laugh. Though that’s mostly because Sakuya’s looking at the two of them like his curiosity’s piqued. “Goodness. It’s fine. But she’s way nosier than you think.”

Soon enough it’s time for Megumi to be really put to bed. Sion excuses himself to tuck her in, at least, though she asks Sakuya to have a book on standby. Sion doesn’t really need to help her change or read, not at this point, but Megumi likes it when Sion lounges on her bed and gives her choice in pajamas an applaud in approval. These days she sleeps in a futon. Sion wonders if that’s a normal choice for a little kid - she prefers it over a mattress, for some reason. 

“You ready for bed?” Sion smiles when she’s all done in the hallway bathroom. “And you wanna be read to?”

“Yup.” It’s funny how deadpan she is even as she’s crawling into bed in her pastel pink PJ set. Megumi’s already reading chapter books by herself and yet there’s a collection of stories she likes falling asleep to.

“Okay then, I’ll get Saku,” Sion tells her. Apparently Sakuya is better at doing voices, which is something he’s mildly offended by no matter how true it is. He smooths over Megumi’s hair and kisses her on the forehead. “Sleep well, baby. Appa loves you…”

“I love you too, Appa,” Megumi yawns. She squeezes his wrist. “Also I want pancakes for breakfast.”

Sion smiles. “Hm? And what do I get in return?”

Megumi pats his hand this time. “My love.” And, well, she drives a hard bargain there.

Sion snorts. Of course he raised a kid with the wit to match his teasing bar for bar. “Okay, then, we have a deal.” He kisses her cheek this time. “Sweet dreams, okay? Come to me if you have nightmares.”

Megumi nods. Her nightmares are rarer these days but she still sometimes freezes up in her bed instead of coming to him, and Sion doesn’t have the emotional bandwidth to think about how devastated he gets about it. He wishes Megumi seeked his comfort out on instinct. But still, she smiles up at him: “‘Kay, Appa…”

Sion manages a smile back. “Good night, baby.”

“Good night!”

When Sion gets back to the living room, he sends Sakuya in to do the storytime reading since he’s apparently so much better at it. Though it’s sweet how Sakuya entertains Megumi’s demands. Sion always makes sure to preface: “You don’t have to, you know.”

“No, I’m honored. My little sister’s the same way.” Sakuya waves him off, book already in hand. “She’ll be asleep in no time.”

Now that his kid’s finally sorted out for the night, Sion collapses down onto the couch next to Yushi. It’s hard to not be exhausted. He doesn’t even work half the labor he did back on the farm, but dealing with Megumi one-on-one most of the time takes up way more of his energy than he thought it would.

“You really are a dad now,” Yushi observes, looking up from his phone. And then: “You need a beer, hyung.”

He’s mostly joking but now that Yushi points it out, the idea is tempting, even if Sion hardly indulges in any booze these days. “I do,” Sion sighs. “Just one. And you gotta drink too.”

Yushi grins. “Really?”

Sion leans over to ruffle his hair. “Really.”

He ends up using what’s left of his energy to get beer from the fridge. He doesn’t drink very often so they’re hidden all the way in the back where Megumi doesn’t have to see them everyday. Sion’s not exactly a fan of being inebriated around his kid even if it’s only beer. He takes one for himself, passes the other to Yushi. “I hope you’re not trying to get me drunk.”

“I don’t try to get you drunk,” Yushi says, though that is very pointedly a lie. That’s one of his favorite pastimes, actually, forcing Sion out to the bar on a night Sakuya can babysit Megumi for him. But then Yushi hums. “Well. Not on purpose. You love drinking, too.”

Sion closes his eyes as he cracks open his beer. “I don’t.” Which is partially true. He started to like drinking a little more after Tsuchiko left because it eased some of the anxiety, but he never lets himself get much beyond tipsy because he’s got this neverending paranoia that Megumi will need him and seeing him drunk will scare her. Or something like that. Sion grew up around a lot of makgeolli drinkers and he’s not traumatized about it, but he would’ve been better off not seeing his dad wretch into the toilet after every KIA Tigers loss. Megumi’s a sensitive kid and Sion tries really hard to keep up a certain face around her. 

Realistically speaking, he and Tsuchiko have probably traumatized her plenty as it is - he doesn’t need to add anything more to the mess.

They drink in silence for several moments. Sion isn’t someone whose mood drastically changes when tipsy besides some sleepiness, maybe getting a little gigglier. But after a long week this is more of a sedative than anything else. Is that good? Maybe not. But he could use a break from the constant anxiety, the way he presses at him. Half of his parenting is done by letting paranoia guide him. It’s the only way he knows how to exist. He chooses not to think about that either.

“So,” Yushi talks first, which is usually a warning sign. But for once he doesn’t seem to have much of an agenda behind his words. “Do you… is there anything interesting going on?”

Sion snorts. “I spend half my day with you.”

And, well, it’s true. Yushi would never admit it but he can be a bit of a workaholic and he really puts everything he has into the ryokan. That’s partially why they work so well together. Sion feels listless without anything to do and maintenance at an old inn keeps him busy for the most part - there’s always time to idle that leaves him restless, but then Yushi will weasel him into something to keep him distracted. Stuff like hypothetically, what’s the downside of putting an arcade in here. To which Sion would say you’ll fry the shit out of your electrical, that’s what. To which Yushi will then ragebait him into something else until it’s time to pick Megumi up from school. Thank god for him.

Yushi only sighs into his beer, though. “Yeah. I guess we’re really together all day.” He takes another sip. “It’s so weird. For ten years I got rid of you, but now…”

Sion smiles, though it’s not necessarily because the thought is an amusing or happy one. “Yeah. Ten years ago, who’d know I’d end up running a crumbling inn with you.” He bows his head when Yushi sends him a look. “Sorry, it’s not crumbling, it’s perfect.”

“It is,” Yushi agrees. Though he cracks into a grin. “Well, at least being a dad suits you. Gumi’s like your little twin. No offense, hyung, but I think you’d lose your mind if it weren’t for her.”

It’s not like Sion isn’t already aware of that. “Yeah. That’s true.” 

Sion never had big dreams before Tsuchiko. He knew he’d inherit the farm one day, whether that was his passion or not, and most of his life revolved around the inevitability. He studied business in Seoul. He turned down opportunities there to help his parents back home. He met Tsuchiko at the end of college. They clicked fast, he did his military service, the marriage was impulsive. So was the baby. But hell, Megumi’s the closest thing he has to a life goal nowadays: don’t fuck the kid up, make the kid happy, feed the kid food and make sure she ends up well adjusted enough. That’s a lofty enough goal for him as-is.

So Sion doesn’t regret much. At this point it’s useless to be resentful, either of himself or Tsuchiko or anyone. After Tsuchiko left his parents told him to let go of the farm and chase whatever he needed to do for Megumi. The most monumental thing he’s ever done is take Yushi’s offer and move to Japan.

And, well. Here they are. For better or worse.

“I just… I dunno.” Yushi can get talkative when he’s drunk, but only around Sion, which has always been endearing. He slips back into Korean, too. “You’ve always been so responsible. There was never- the thing with Tsuchiko. You acted so level-headed about it.”

“Yeah, well, I was delusional.” Sion doesn’t mind talking about all of this with Yushi - it’s not like he has anyone else to talk about his failed marriage with. “She had it good. Things were good in Seoul. But we did move too fast.” Sion sighs into his beer. “Man. I don’t think we would’ve lasted anyway.”

“What,” Yushi asks, “if it weren’t for Gumi?” He’s not a lightweight but his cheeks are already pink. Sion resists the urge to coo. Yushi would probably hit him if he did. So alas.

Sion shrugs. “Having a kid was a stupid decision. And so was getting married. And so was pretty much all of it.” Sion takes a noisy sip of his drink and tries to ignore the bitterness because he can’t be bitter, not now, he just can’t. “Y’know, she got to college in Seoul on her daddy’s dime. And I’m just a ‘lil small-town farmer boy.”

Yushi snorts. “You never were gonna last on that farm either, hyung.”

And, ow. That still stings. Sion closes his eyes. “Well. Yeah. I guess you’re right.”

No, he can’t regret anything now. If he did, he’d have to hate all of it, his life all the way down to its roots. Growing up in Mokpo; living in tandem with the cows; knowing it was his destiny to die there. He was good at self denial until Tsuchiko was able to promise him something else, something more, something bigger and shinier and a little bit more tangible. He could be a family man in Seoul. It was a sweet deal until it wasn’t. But again, he can’t regret it. He can’t resent Mokpo, his parents, the farm. He’d rather resent himself. Yushi’s right - he never would’ve lasted in the family business. He is a farmerboy by DNA, a dreamer in his bone marrow. He was always going to need something more. Nothing about that life on the farm was going to be enough for him. Sion’s still contending with it, no matter how true it is. That's probably why he couldn’t turn Tsuchiko down when she said she could secure them a good future at her dad’s company. Maybe that makes Sion a stupid person. It probably does.

And, well. That’s fine too.

It's seven years too late to dwell on it. All the stupid decisions have already been made. Sion’s good at cleaning up his messes, and so he’ll spend the rest of his life cleaning this up if he really needs to. Besides, he can’t imagine things any other way now that it’s all panned out like this. Megumi is his destiny in many ways. Sion would lose his mind if it weren’t for her; he would’ve lost himself after Tsuchiko left if Megumi didn’t need him more than anything. And that’s something he can’t even resent himself for. In every do-over of his life, Megumi would be his priority above all else. 

“I mean. You’re good, though, right.” Yushi pokes at him with his foot as Sion fades into contemplation. “Like. You’re fulfilled or whatever, right.”

It’s slightly pessimistic of him, but Sion just shrugs again. “Well, I don’t know about that. I don’t need to be fulfilled. I wasted my chance for that, now I’ve got a kid.” He takes a sip of beer and looks over at Yushi. “Why? Don’t tell me you’re worried about me.”

He’s just teasing. Of course he knows Yushi’s worried about him. He never would’ve been offered the job at the ryokan if he wasn’t. And he appreciates it, really. But Sion’s always had a hyung complex and it’s hard to be doted on by Yushi, of all people, when for most of their lives it was only ever the other way around.

Yushi’s bottom lip sticks out a bit. “Of course I am. Don’t be an asshole.”

It’s fine. They’re both teasing; that’s what they do, they do bits and skirt around the truth because Sion still isn’t really ready to face the truth. You know, that he’s forever saddled with a kid he sometimes only half-understands in a country he only knows by proxy of his best friend and ex-wife’s childhood memories. He copes fine. Things are fine. But there’s a lot of things Sion is better off not thinking about too hard. It’d be unfair to Megumi if he did. And everything he does is for Megumi. His own mental health, for lack of a better word, is about the last of his priorities. He doesn’t really have a choice. 

He can ignore how one day that choice is gonna end up slapping him in the face. Because there’s no doubt that it will, right? But Sion’s a single dad with a seven year-old that has vague-special needs and he’s just- he can’t prioritize himself. Not now. It’s too late for that and he already fucked his independence up. Sion’s life isn’t about second chances like it is in those BL romcoms Yushi reads. It’s about survival and making sure your kid won’t end up resenting you one day. 

So.

“Sorry,” Sion murmurs, though he’s not sure if he’s really sorry at all. “There’s just no use in worrying about me. I have to put her first.”

He glances over at Yushi. He’s visibly holding his tongue, which is sweet of him. Teenage Yushi would’ve called him a dumbass right to his face. But Adult Yushi only sighs: “Yeah, hyung, I know.”

The silence between them isn’t bad. Yushi’s really the only friend that Sion has anymore. He’s not super talkative, not super emotional, not super sympathetic. Those are all things Sion prefers. Tokuno Yushi comes with a learning curve and Sion has grown to appreciate it, these smatterings of deep talks on a quiet night. He doesn’t want to be constantly loathing himself when the separation is still so fresh. Or at least it feels fresh. Not Tsuchiko’s absence, exactly, but the fact that he has no one besides himself to lean on. 

“So.” Sion’s determined to change the subject, even only if it’s because he’s tired and he doesn’t want to fucking think about Tsuchiko anymore. Usually he does everything he can to not think about her at all but when he’s drinking, things start getting… anyway. Sion takes a long sip of beer. “So, are you… uh. Are you dating?”

He’s mostly asking to tease. Yushi hides nothing from him - he’s incapable of it - which is why the kid goes pink. “Shut up.” This is his sore spot. “I saw a hot guy at the grocery store last week.”

Sion smiles. “Did you get his number?”

“Of course not,” Yushi grumbles. He takes an angry gulp of beer. “And he was so tall, too. Ugh. But he’s probably not gay. Fuck.”

It’s funny. It’s not hard to make Yushi grumbly but it’s rare he’s this honest about it. “You don’t know that,” Sion prods him, though he feels similarly. Rural Japan isn’t exactly a hotspot for gays. 

Yushi glares. “Shut up. It’s not like you’re dating either.”

Sion has no shame in that. “Of course not. I’ve got a kid to raise.”

It’s nice to have an excuse. It’s not like he misses Tsuchiko - her abandoning Megumi kind of sullies the good memories - but dating is a sensitive subject. Sion has a hard time believing that he’s a responsible dater, for one. He can’t do anything casually and for god’s sake, the last thing he needs is another relationship taken too quickly. He’s got a kid to worry about; Megumi has raised the stakes of everything in his life to the highest degree. Never mind that Sion doesn’t even have the energy to broach dating as a concept. Too many hang ups will come with that. 

He’s three years post-divorce and new to Japan - the last thing he needs is a boyfriend. Or a girlfriend. Either one he’s fine with but either way he’s also doomed. 

“Yeah, but you wanna date, don’t you.” Yushi, of course, zeroes in on him because that’s how he deflects. “What about the girl who runs the senior center? She likes you.”

Sion sips his beer. It’s almost finished. “She does. But she’s too young for me.” She’s in her mid twenties which wouldn’t be a big deal if it weren’t for the Megumi-thing. He was an idiot at twenty-six, so it’s hard to not assume others would be the same.

“Okay, then, the lady at the fruit stall,” Yushi presses again.

Sion elbows him. “She’s like fifty! How old do you think I am!”

“Yeah, but she’s a mom,” Yushi points out. He cackles when Sion elbows him harder. “Ow!”

“That’s what you get,” Sion pinches his ear, just to be annoying. “I don’t need to date. I have a kid. I’m busy.” He downs the rest of his beer. “Fuck, I want another one.”

Yushi rubs his ear. “But you’re not gonna get another one,” he points out, which is true. Because of, again, the Gumi thing. Sion’s self control is his most dependable quality, it turns out. Or maybe that’s just him being stubborn. 

Sion crumbles up the can in his hand. “I’m not,” he agrees. “I’m not gonna date either.”

He gets up to throw the can away, getting a glass of water instead of another beer. His alcohol tolerance has shrunk and he can’t chance a hangover when he’s got pancakes to make in the early morning. Not to mention that seven year olds are awful for hangovers - they’re loud, messy, chaotic. Besides, Sion tries making a point of surprising Megumi with breakfast on weekends. She fucking loves it. And it’s, like, his life purpose to make her happy. So.

Sion grabs another beer from the fridge. Yushi’s finished but he’s gonna want another one, which is only further proven when Sion offers it to him.

“I think I love you,” Yushi says, his eyes sparkling. 

Sion squints at him. “Okay, but this is your last one.”

It’s hard not to lecture. It’s a Dad Thing. Sion hardly has the life experience to go around handing out advice but there’s some natural emotional intelligence that comes with raising a kid and realizing they are infinitely more delicate than you are. Megumi is a bit of a special case. She’s incredibly independent, almost shockingly mature for her age, but she has her moments. She’s sensitive. She freaks out when things don’t go her way. Her ambivalence only stretches so far, and then the fallout is nuclear. Because she’s seven years old. She’s allowed to have tantrums. Sion is still figuring her out. 

(He hopes he’ll have this parenting thing figured out one day. Which he is… slightly doubtful about. But a little hope never killed anyone, so.)

Yushi sips on his beer thoughtfully, which isn’t good, because when he’s left to think while drinking nothing good ever comes of it. Such as: “So you really don’t like anyone?”

“Of course not, I’m thirty-four,” Sion replies automatically. But that’s partially a lie. He is impartial to Megumi’s teacher. Maeda Riku is a very beautiful man. But that’s a secret he’s keeping from Yushi because if that little shit finds out, he’s gonna take it and run with it.

But there must be something on his face that gives him away, because Yushi physically presses in closer. “Really?” He’s using that tone he only uses when he knows something Sion doesn’t. Fuck, for someone so socially oblivious he can be scarily perceptive. 

“Who the hell would I like in this town,” Sion ignores the needling because he can smell an interrogation coming from a million miles away. “Everyone is old. Or a child. Or not my type.”

But the more he says, the further he’s digging his grave. Because Yushi’s eyes narrow and he says: “Really?”

The awful thing is that Sion knows exactly what Yushi’s doing but he still falls for it anyway, you know, because he has this visceral need to defend himself like an idiot. “Y-yeah. All I do is work, take the kid to school, sleep, cook, work again, more school-”

“So it’s someone at school.” Yushi catches on way too fast and Sion can feel himself pale because how the fuck did he do that. Which only makes Yushi cackle. “Hyung, really?”

“Wh- no! No!” Sion keeps his voice down because the walls are thin and he’s got a kid trying to sleep but that doesn’t mean he’s not indignant. “T-there’s no one at school!”

“Nuh-uh,” Yushi says smugly, never mind that he is almost thirty years old and still teasing him like he did when he was a literal child. “I know that look on your face. You like someone, hyung.”

Sion snaps his mouth shut, lest he say anything more incriminating. Fuck. It’s his fault Yushi can read him so well but he’d still prefer if that weren’t the case. Because it’s not like he likes Megumi’s teacher. Maeda Riku is just, like, conventionally attractive. And very nice. And also age appropriate, kind of, though now that Sion’s thinking about it there’s a chance he’s still in his early twenties. But never mind that. Sion thinks about him sometimes. Only sometimes. It’s nothing more than that.

“I don’t- I don’t like him,” Sion hisses, already knowing he’s being too honest regardless. “He’s just good-looking. And I’m single with a seven year-old, what the hell am I supposed to do.”

Except that was also definitely the wrong thing to say. Because:

“Him?” Yushi’s grin grows. “So it’s a guy!”

Sion groans. “I hate you.” 

He’s not being serious, as annoying as it is that Yushi’s so good at getting information out of him with little to no effort on his part. It’s nice to tell someone about his not-crush-kind-of even though he’s not all that committed to it. Riku is nice, he’s handsome, he’s good with Gumi. There’s a lot to like. And it’s not like Sion would ever ask him out anyway.

“Gumi’s teacher is a guy. Is it him?” Yushi doesn’t let up because of course he doesn’t. “What was his name? Maeda?”

“I- stop it.” Sion flushes a little and it’s very obviously not because of the alcohol. “I just think that he’s cute. Just a little bit.”

“So you like him,” Yushi clarifies. Sion almost hits him. 

“I don’t. I- I appreciate him,” Sion is firm because if he lets Yushi think he has a real crush, he’s gonna fucking torment him. And yeah, maybe it’s a crush, but it’s a tiny one if anything at all. So.

“Yeah, you appreciate him,” Yushi deadpans. “‘Cause you wanna kiss him.” Sion really has to suppress the urge to just, like, not smother him with a pillow. Or something. Something that wouldn’t wake Megumi up but would be just threatening enough to make Yushi stop.

“I don’t want to- ugh! Why are you like that.” Sion grits his teeth and runs his hands down his face while Yushi grins to himself like the cat that got the cream. Fuck him. “I don’t- he’s Gumi’s teacher. And he’s not gay.” Though he pauses. “Okay, well.”

“Well-!” Yushi nearly bounds off the couch because he’s drunk and Sion nearly topples over him so he, again, doesn’t wake up his sleeping child. “Hyung, he’s-”

“Maybe. He might be- he might be something.” Sion’s voice comes out more like a hiss because he’s trying to be firm, which, of course, spectacularly fails. He just can’t help but insist: “But that doesn’t mean anything. Because I don’t like him.”

Sion says it like he means it and he tries to mean it even though, of course, Yushi sees right through him. Maeda Riku is a beautiful man and he’s very kind and he’s always gone the extra mile to accommodate Megumi’s peculiarities, which Sion feels a certain way about since Megumi isn’t an easy kid to accommodate even when you ignore the fact that she’s fresh off of her mom abandoning her. Which is- Sion never thinks too hard about that, because he can’t, because Tsuchiko and the mess of their marriage is already far in the rearview. But Riku is so good with Megumi despite the way she struggles with Japanese and flinches away from other kids her age. And it’s hard not to feel a little swayed by that.

And also Riku’s, like, gorgeous. But that’s not important. It’s not. 

“I think you like him,” Yushi points out. “Hyung. You don’t look at anyone unless you already like them.”

Sion has to physically restrain himself from hissing because Yushi is right about that, too. Sion doesn’t do casual, he never has. He’s all or nothing about everything. The reason things with Tsuchiko spiraled out of control is because he’s the type who’s ready to propose by the third date. It’s, like, his biggest character flaw. Or one of them. He’s starting to realize he has a lot of those.

“I- Okay. Well.” Sion sucks in a breath. “I guess.” He doesn’t give much weight to people being attractive anyway. Riku is just… he’s a good person. He’s capable, dependable, good with Sion’s kid. He’s nice and he’s genuine and personable and funny. And cute. Really cute. 

Fuck.

“Yeah, you guess,” Yushi echoes him, grinning over his beer. “So you like him. And you’re not gonna ask him out.”

“Of course not,” Sion grumbles, ignoring the fact that he may as well be admitting his attraction. Though he’d be an idiot if he thought he could hide that kind of thing from Yushi of all people. “I have a kid. I’m not ready to date. Plus he’s her teacher, which is unethical.” He blinks. “Or at least I think it is.”

Yushi doesn’t look impressed. “Well. Being gay is already unethical.” He snickers when Sion throws a pillow at his head. “Okay, but seriously!”

Sion huffs. Yushi’s right, of course. Sion would come up with any excuse to not ask Riku out, Gumi’s teacher or not. He’s still sore. He’s fresh off a divorce. Hell, he doesn’t need the mess of love in his life, not right now.

“It wouldn’t be fair to Gumi,” Sion says, which is true and probably the only valid excuse he can think of. “Yushi, I’m old. I burned through my twenties ‘cause I got married and had a kid. It’s too late for me.”

Sion’s being honest when he says that. Romance is probably the lowest thing on his list of priorities. Sion was the one who decided to rush into an engagement right out of his military service, he was the one who encouraged Tsuchiko when she went off of her birth control, he was the one who took responsibility for his mess. He can’t make things worse for Megumi. Sion doesn’t know half the time if he’s enough for her. She needs his attention; he can’t be selfish now. 

But:

“I don’t think you’re being fair to yourself, either,” Yushi tells him, just as honest. “Hyung. Gumi’s not gonna be a little kid forever. She’s gonna grow up and leave the house…”

Sion closes his eyes. He knows what Yushi means but still: “She’s only seven.”

“Yeah, and she’s smart as hell. She’s gonna realize you’re being all- all repressed.” Yushi pokes at his shoulder. “I mean, I respect it. You gotta do what you gotta do. But you do so much for her. You have to do something for yourself too.”

Sion bites his lip. He hates when Yushi has these moments of infinite wisdom - they usually only happen when he’s drunk but his point still stands - and knocks him out of his head. It’s just… it’s complicated. He’s worked very, very hard to get his life to a point where things are stable. He’s not ready to rock the boat just yet. It’s too soon, too real, there’s too many things at risk if he makes any sudden movements. He doesn’t have any contingencies anymore. It’s him and Megumi and only them. There’s no farm, no wife from an affluent family, nothing but his own hands.

So what Sion says is: “Maybe.” And he means it, kind of. 

Yushi huffs. “Well. At least I tried.”

Sion knows he’s stubborn. That’s probably both a weakness and a strength - he has a hard time accepting help; but if he wasn’t so stubborn about giving Megumi a decent life he’d probably be in a lot worse of a place. But this all he has, right now, his stubbornness and his kid. He tries not to stew as he stands up and takes Yushi’s empty beer cans. He takes them to the trash. He needs to- he needs to check on Megumi. But he gets Yushi a glass of water first.

“I’m not old like you,” Yushi complains half-heartedly, never mind that he takes the water anyway.

“Shut up,” Sion ruffles his hair. He heads out to check on his kid.

He thinks about Megumi. She needs him. Hell, he’s all she has, and she’s all he has. He needs to work harder, has to put aside more savings. She should go to college, there could be emergencies, he’s seven years late on the uptake and he’s the only who can take care of her and-

It’s when Sion turns into the hallway that he yelps because he runs right into Sakuya. Like, physically. Because the kid is sitting on the floor for some reason. He pales when Sion stares down at him. “Um.”

“...Saku?” Sion asks. He doesn’t mean to use his Dad Voice but that’s kind of always his go-to when he comes across a child being weird. “Are you okay?”

He’s being genuine. It’s a little concerning that Sakuya isn’t, like, in the living room or even sprawled out on Megumi’s bedroom floor with his Switch like he sometimes is whenever Sion and Yushi start talking about adult things he has no interest in. But the kid looks like he’s been caught red-handed as he says: “...Yeah.” And: “I like it here.”

Sion doesn’t have the energy to be suspicious even though later, in retrospect, he should’ve been. Children only snoop like that for two reasons - they have something to hide or they heard something they shouldn’t’ve. But Sion only shakes his head. “Okay, then.” 

Who is he to question Sakuya, anyway? The kid’s got a heart of gold. Or something like that. 

The night wraps up quickly. Megumi’s still asleep, thank god. Yushi and Sakuya are ready to go and it’s not so late that they can’t walk home, though Sion’s sobered up enough to offer to drive, which they turn down. He gets a hug from both of them. Yushi is tipsy enough to cling.

“Think about what we talked about,” he whispers ominously.

Sion rolls his eyes. “Ugh. I know. Just get home safe.”

They teeter off into the night. Their walk is only ten minutes-ish; they’ll be fine. Sion does a brief clean-up of the living room before he gets ready for bed. Megumi’s stuff is still everywhere. He’ll have her gather it up tomorrow. He couldn’t possibly begin to understand how a seven year-old keeps her room organized, so he doesn’t even try to mess with her stuff.

Sion washes his face and brushes the smell of alcohol out of his mouth. He puts on his pajamas. He prefers sleeping shirtless but Megumi gets judgemental when she sees him without a shirt, and god forbid Oh Sion is already humbled by his kid before she’s even hit middle school. He swings into her room one more time before bed. 

Megumi’s asleep. She’s sleeping a little restlessly, twitching, so Sion presses in closer from the open doorway. She’s murmuring: “Mama. Mama.” A nightmare, then. Megumi only talks about Tsuchiko in bad dreams. “Mama, I’m sorry, don’t leave me…”

Sion’s heart drops to his stomach. There’s the guilt, of course, because of all the things he can do for Megumi, filling in the shoes of two people is an almost-impossible task. “Gumi.” Sion goes to her side on impulse; he is gentle as he shakes her awake. “Gumi, baby. Are you okay?”

It takes a second. “A-Appa?” Megumi’s eyes adjust in the dark. Her hands curl into Sion’s. She sighs tearily: “Appa.”

God. Sion doesn’t know how he is supposed to do this forever. He pulls Megumi into his arms and squeezes her tight, the way she likes to be squeezed when her dreams are bad. “Hi, honey. Appa’s here. Are you okay?”

“Yeah.” Megumi never talks about her dreams, which Sion has a very, very hard time grappling with. He has no clue how deep her grief goes and he doesn’t know how to push it out of her. But she sniffles again. “Can you sleep here?”

Sion sighs. “Of course.” Because of course.

He crawls into Megumi’s futon with her. It’s adult sized because she loves rolling around in the sheets, which is great, because at least Sion fits in there with her. Megumi slots into his arms and Sion hopes his hug is enough to chase the nightmares away. Mama. She hasn’t said that word in such a long time. Sion is too tired to worry but he worries anyway. That’s all he can do as long as it’s just him and Gumi by themselves - he worries and he stews and he dwells and he tries not to pull his fucking hair out. 

Sion runs a hand down Megumi’s back. She’s still small, a little tall for her age but a little scrawny too. His palm easily covers the space between her shoulders. “You’re okay, my Gumi, Appa’s here with you,” he murmurs. “Hm? Should I sing for you?” That always did the trick when she was a baby.

Megumi’s breath is like a whisper against his cheek. Sometimes he forgets just how small she is. She’s so little. She’s a little kid. But her tone is sleepy and sweet: “Can you?”

Of course, Sion thinks. “Of course,” Sion says. He’d do anything for this kid. He’d tear his life apart for her. He will repent for all the mistakes he’s ever made as long as she is safe, as long as she sleeps well, as long as she never has to cry out for someone who is never coming back for her. That’s the thing about being a parent, Sion has come to realize. He’d give his whole life to Megumi if he could. If he had to, and also even if he didn’t. For all the dumb things he has done, Megumi is the greatest blessing that’s ever been bestowed upon him. 

Megumi yawns. “I like the… the one about the sun.” She’s sleepy. It’s a long time past her bedtime. 

“Okay,” Sion says. He kisses her forehead. And then he sings.

You are my sunshine…

Is he enough? He doesn’t know. He may never know until it’s too late.

You are my sunshine…

He’s been working so hard for so long and he still needs to work harder. For her, he has to work more, he has to be more, he has to love her enough for two people.

You make me happy when skies are grey…

Megumi snores. Sion doesn’t know why he might cry. She is so small and precious and sometimes he misses when she was a baby and she had no idea what it felt like to hurt.

You never know, dear, how much I love you…

Oh Sion isn’t a man of penance. He has a lifetime of Catholic school education under his belt and he never prays. But sometimes he wants to, he wants to beg God to make him good enough for the one person who really needs him.

So please don’t take my sunshine away…

Sion exhales. She’s asleep. Of course she is. Megumi’s always slept so well, falling asleep fast and snoring with how deep her slumber is. That makes Sion want to cry, too. For a while he was terrified she’d inherit his insomnia. That’s the last thing she needs on top of everything else. 

And yet, despite everything, Megumi still sleeps soundlessly.

Sion closes his eyes. A tear or two falls, which he ignores, because he can’t dwell on the bad things when in his arms is the one good thing he’s ever done right. His Megumi, his blessing, his lifeline and the thing he lives for. It can wait. The grief can wait, the bitterness can wait, the resentment can wait. None of that is what matters tonight. Nothing but him and his daughter and the space they take up in each other’s arms.

He listens to the pattern of Megumi’s breathing. She always snores to a rhythm. Inhale for eight beats, hold for four, exhale for seven. Sion has it memorized. Breathe with her, cuddle with her, keep her close…

Sion sighs into the night. He struggles to sleep every night. He will struggle again tonight. His sleep meds help but there’s no way in hell he’s leaving Megumi now just to retrieve the pill bottle from his nightstand. He resigns himself to a night of sleep that will be alright enough, he resigns himself to this permanent position of Parent Who Can Do Nothing Besides Try. Is he good enough? He has no choice, he just has to be.

And so Sion, for as tired as he is, as hard as he’s worked, falls asleep. Eventually.

 ˖.𖥔 ݁ ˖ ⊹ ࣪ ˖ 

In Sion’s dream, Megumi is an infant. She won’t stop crying. Megumi never cried as a baby, but now she is, and she won’t stop no matter how hard he tries.

“I’m sorry,” Sion kneels at her crib and cries with her. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I-”

 ˖.𖥔 ݁ ˖ ⊹ ࣪ ˖ 

He wakes up at an early hour. He can physically feel the chaos of his dream. It thunders hard in his chest, under his sternum, the pain. Sion brushes it aside. There’s no time for that now.

Megumi is knocked out. She always is at this time - the sun is still rising. Sion’s able to slip from under her grasp and escape out the open bedroom door. He finds his phone on the couch. It’s dead. Of course.

Sion gives himself five minutes to dwell. He stands at the kitchen counter while his coffee brews in the Keurig and he stares out the kitchen window and dwells. Everyday he worries incessantly over Megumi but never himself and now he is- he thinks. He thinks and thinks and thinks. He thinks about all of it. College, the farm, the tiny-town oppression of Mokpo. Gay-leaning in catholic school, socially awkward in uni. Tsuchiko, everything she gave him and everything she left with. Megumi in her crib, Megumi outgrowing her clothes, Megumi cradled in Sion’s arms as they take the flight back to Mokpo. Their life packed in two suitcases. There are his parents, there is Yushi, there are the cows, there is the shoreline lapping at his feet. There is another plane ticket, his parents’ reassurance, there is Yushi again, again, again. Megumi is bigger on her next plane ride and Sion morosely wonders how many kids her age have flown so much. Megumi barely speaks Japanese. She is half Japanese. That’s another thing Sion failed at, he should’ve taught her better, he should’ve raised her with confidence, he should’ve done more, he should’ve worked harder, he had to-

There’s the sound of the coffee machine whirring. It pours the coffee. It’s old, second-hand. Sion has conditioned himself to stop thinking about the bad things whenever his coffee starts pouring. That’s all he gives himself. Five minutes in the morning to feel bad for himself. The other twenty-three hours and fifty-five minutes are dedicated to Megumi, that’s the deal he made with himself three years ago. 

So. That’s it. 

Of course Sion thinks about nothing after that; he refuses to, it’s habit. He makes pancakes, he cuts fruit. The fridge is barren but it’s enough to please a kid like Megumi. It takes an hour. He goes to wake her. At first Megumi is grumpy at being woken up, but then she bursts into a wide, wide grin when she sees pancakes on the kotatsu.

“Appa!” She hugs him. “Thank you!”

Her smile is a dead-ringer to Tsuchiko’s and Sion smiles back at her as he sips on his coffee, watching her tear into the food. He made four pancakes. She gets all of them. He’ll find something to eat later. What he saved for himself doesn’t matter, this is all he needs, her happy hums as Shin-chan plays on the TV; her smile as Sion widdles himself down to nothing but bone and exhaustion; her living a life full of laughter and happiness instead of nightmares and Mama, where did you go? Why did you leave me? Appa will never be able to-

Sion doesn’t think about it. Of course not. Echoes of last night’s conversation have been playing in his head but he woke up this morning refreshed and resolute. He doesn’t think about any of it - Tsuchiko, Mokpo, the farm. Riku. Sion refuses to think about Riku. He can’t afford to. Christ, if there’s one thing he can’t fucking afford to entertain the thought of, it’s him and Riku or him and anyone else. 

It’s just- the timing is bad. It’ll always be bad but that’s besides the point. The last thing Oh Sion needs is to upset the stability of his life, his kid’s life. It doesn’t matter if he has a thing for a younger teacher with a nice smile and pretty laugh. He’s too busy to be selfish. All that matters is that Megumi is happy and he will not - he cannot - let himself be an idiot in love again. He promised himself that when the court sessions with Tsuchiko and her lawyer ended and all Sion was left with was a tiny settlement and a five year-old in his lap who smiles just like her mother. His own lawyer was beside himself. Why didn’t you sign a prenup? Sion didn’t answer him. I didn’t know, I didn’t know, I’m so young and stupid, I thought I was in love, I don’t know anything at all. 

But this is the thing that matters: the sun rises in the sky and Sion sips his coffee and sings along with his daughter to the Crayon Shin-chan theme song. This is what matters: things are good as is. 

And then, of course, even more than that: he’d prefer it stays this way forever.