Work Text:
The room was quiet.
Quiet, not silent. Katai’s soft breathing was right next to his ear. He was curled up in a ball, fast asleep, laying next to Kunikida. Kunikida was thankful it was winter; Katai usually needs Yoshiko—his futon—to be able to sleep, but in the summer, the thick padding and fluffy filling was too hot. Still, it was very difficult for Katai to fall asleep without it on, which led to him suffering all night.
Sleeping with too many layers causes too much heat to your body. This prevents your inner temperature from cooling down, which is necessary to fall into deep sleep. Since Yoshiko is so thick, it triggered night sweats, frequent awakenings in the middle of the night, and spikes in stress hormones in Katai.
Kunikida tried making Katai sleep with a thinner blanket before, wondering if it was just the feeling of a blanket covering him, and not Yoshiko itself, but it didn’t work at all.
But, everything was okay because it's winter. Katai wouldn’t wake up feeling groggy or restless, and he would get full hours of uninterrupted sleep. Kunikida smiled softly.
It was silly, really, Kunikida shouldn’t be awake right now. Actually, he shouldn’t even be here, with Katai, today. Fate, it seemed, always got in the way of his plans. Not that his plans mattered, anyway, at least not these particular ones. It was just his selfish desire to die before he should.
Kunikida relapsed, not too long ago, actually. He stepped outside for a walk, a simple walk to get out of his bedroom. He wasn’t going anywhere in particular, walking aimlessly. He wasn’t thinking at all, his head was empty. The pain on his thighs was the only thing he felt, and he was grateful for that, because it was the desired effect.
The thing that snapped him back into reality was a kitten. A really tiny, gray, white and black kitten, running towards Kunikida from across the street. Something tugged at Kunikida, the rational part of his brain, maybe, that told him he needed to make sure the cat was out of the road so it wouldn’t get hit by a car.
The cat ended up following him home. It was cute, it looked like Atsushi, sort of, Kunikida thought. Kunikida smiled warmly once more. Atsushi would miss him.
‘Does the world know I feel like dying?’ is something Kunikida asked himself very often.
It was warm inside Katai’s apartment. Well, at least Kunikida thought so, but maybe it was just warm next to Katai. He closed his eyes and sighed. Kunikida really was selfish, wasn’t he? How could he want to die so badly? He has a perfect life—a job, one where he will soon become the head of; lovely coworkers to talk with; Katai, his best friend to spend time with; and a book of fulfilling ideals, ones he lives by.
And the words inscribed on the very first page of those ideals: ‘Do what must be done.’
What could be done? Kunikida was a lost cause. His case went cold long ago, and he didn’t even notice. He kept trying to figure it out, figure out what was wrong with him, but it didn’t work, so now it doesn’t matter. He's peaceful now.
Kunikida separated his life into two: wants and needs.
Was dying a want or a need? Kunikida didn’t know. And he let himself not know.
Kunikida has needs, things he has to do.
He needs to help the Tanizaki siblings with their homework.
He needs to teach Junichiro how to bake like he said he would.
He needs to take Noami fishing.
He needs to make sure Fukuzawa is doing okay.
He needs to tutor Atsushi and Kenji.
He needs to comfort Atsushi, needs to make sure Atsushi isn’t going to have a breakdown, needs to make sure Atsushi won't overwork himself, needs to reassure Atsushi he’s a good person and not worthless.
He needs to make sure Ranpo isn’t invalidating himself.
He needs to make sure Dazai eats well, needs to make sure Dazai doesn’t relapse again, or when he does, try to make him feel better, needs to save him from his suicide attempts, needs to constantally worry about Dazai’s safety.
He needs to be a good employee and do everything that's asked of him.He needs to make sure Katai is fed,that his house is clean,that he has clean clothes to wear,that he has taken a shower,that he has his medications.
HeneedstobuyfreshflowersandleavethemforSasakiandRukozou—
Katai’s medications. That’s why Kunikida was here right now. Katai ran out. Kunikida brought him his prescription that was meant to be picked up last week.
A content sigh falls from Katai’s lips. Kunikida wishes he could kiss him goodbye, but Katai is asleep, and he has trouble falling asleep, and waking him would be unnecessary. Kunikida settles to leave a fleeting kiss on Katai’s forehead. He let his thoughts wander back.
This is what he expected from himself, so why couldn’t he do these anymore? Living felt like a chore. Everyday, his body felt like it was stuck in mud. He felt disgusting after eating (but he couldn’t make himself vomit, as much as he wants to). He couldn’t bring himself to the shower. Actually, maybe that's just because it hurts when he showers with hot water…
That was sort of funny, actually. Kunikida took hot showers—the water hot enough to burn his skin, to make it red—to calm himself down, but now he can't because of his own selfish reasons. But, to be fair, going in the shower only to calm down was also a selfish waste of water.
Kunikida was warm. His stomach had a deep, dark, cold pit.
Kunikida was on his way home. He’d been injured badly today. He’d gotten careless recently. Yosano fixed him up, anyway. She’s given him a bottle of hard pain killers. Yosano’s ability couldn’t fix any aches and pains that were left behind, so this was her solution.
Morphine.
Kunikida was going to overdose tonight.
In a way, he was excited. He’d die in his dorm, where no one would worry for him anymore. Kunikida stopped at a cross light. The light flashed red as soon as he walked up, just his luck.
He felt a buzz in his back pocket. His phone was ringing. Kunikida considered ignoring it, he really did, but if he’s going to be selfish and die, the least he can do is answer. Someone called for a reason, right?
He leaned against the pole where the button for the crosswalk was as he answered.
“This is Kunikida,” he said, like he said every time.
It was Atsushi. He already sounded like he was a burden, his tone of voice apologetic, a tad bit panicked, too. He was having issues with a mission. The agency hasn’t been busy recently, so Kunikida finished up his work early and went home, selfishly, but he was aching to get home.
A little girl went missing in the area and they sent Atsushi to go find her. Atsushi couldn’t. He looked everywhere. Kunikida was the first person he thought of to call.
“Mhm, don’t worry, brat,” he said, “I’ll be there soon.”
Kunikida stares at Katai’s resting face. It was relaxed completely, like the rest of his body. Katai was pretty. Kunikida didn’t understand how Katai could look in the mirror and think anything otherwise. Kunikida’s heart was full of love to give out, but maybe he was afraid to do so.
He wouldn’t want Katai to end up like Sasaki or Rukozou, that's for sure.
Kunikida runs his tongue over teeth, clicking his tongue softly. His fingers twitch. He didn’t brush his teeth before coming here.
Hm.
Well, that didn’t matter, he was going to get up anyways. Perhaps he was just stalling. It was early in the morning. Everyone's asleep. Not him, though. But maybe that’s for the best.
Slowly, he slides away from Katai's body.
Katai stirs.
Kunikida stops moving. He watches.
Katai didn’t wake. That’s good. Kunikida shifts to his knees. He straightens out the side of the mattress he was laying on, knowing Katai wouldn’t in the morning. Kunikida quietly fluffs up the pillows, pulls the sheets taut and smooth, and floods up the blanket he didn’t use and places it at the foot of the bed.
His movements are peaceful. He’s not in any rush.
Kunikida stands, slowly, carefully, and quietly. He steps off of the thin mattress onto the cold wooden floor. He shivers.
It really is cold today.
Kunikida needs to put on his shoes.
He considered putting on his house slippers, but those would be swept right off of him… that’s bad for the environment, no? Kunikida didn’t want that.
Normal shoes it is.
Kunikida walks to Katai's bedroom doorway; his shoes are by the front door. A floorboard creaks under him. He freezes. This is okay. It’s fine.
Kunikida hears shuffling. Then a soft sound, it could be a breath. He turned around.
“Kunikida?”
Kunikida woke up Katai. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Kunikida supposes it's the world trying to stop him again. But for once, he wants to let himself be selfish. His nails dig into the flesh of his palm.
He smiles warmly. He studies Katai’s face. Katai’s eyes are hazy, not fully awake or aware. His round glasses were on the nightstand. Kunikida was probably just a blur in his eyes. Katai’s hair is messy and the same color as dark chocolate.
Katai truly was his favorite person. It’s a shame Kunikida has to lie to him, but it’s what must be done.
“Hi, Katai,” he says, softly, staring into Katai’s eyes with warm love. “I’m just using the bathroom. I’ll be right back.”
“Mhm… don’t take too long…” Katai sighs, sleepy, rolling over and falling back asleep.
Kunikida’s eyes sting.
There’s a pit in his stomach.
His hands tremble.
His breathing stutters.
"I... I love you, Katai," Kunikida's voice shakes. "Sleep well." Katai didn't hear him. He's asleep. Kunikida closes the door with a smile. A shaky sigh forces its way from his throat. Katai’s apartment was cold. He shivers slightly. His cheeks are freezing.
As he walks, he presses a hand to his cheek, seeking warmth, the cold is starting to burn. His cheek was wet.
Oh.
He’s crying.
That’s okay. It didn’t matter.
It didn’t matter.
It didn’t matter.
Kunikida is standing still. This was pathetic, really. When had he stopped walking?
He kept walking. He’d only half lied to Katai, he was going to the bathroom, but it's just to put on acceptable clothes to go outside in. He should write a note first so Katai doesn’t worry…
Kunikida wouldn’t be coming back.
Maybe that's the worst part about this.
Kunikida made his way to the table in Katai’s living room.
His work bag was still sitting pressed up against the foot of the couch. He pulls out a notepad.
“Dont be scared when waking up and you don’t see me.
Again, don’t look for me.”
He pauses.
He adds a smiley face and a heart after his words. It was childish, sure, but he wanted Katai to smile when he read this, not frown. He signed it off with his name. Gently, he tore it off from the rest of the paper, and stuck it on the glass that made up the table.
He reads the notes over and over again. Time stops.
Kunikida is smiling. He’s happy.
Right, now to get dressed.
Kunikida shuffles into the bathroom. He left his clothes in here earlier before he got into bed with Katai. He didn’t want to go digging in the closet for something so late in the night in case he woke up Katai.
Kunikida doesn’t turn on the light. He gets dressed in the darkness. His body is just a blob in the mirror. And that's the way he should be. He smiles.
Kunikida can only hear a faint buzz in his ears. Gently, he unlocks the door and steps outside. The click of the door brought him back to reality. He blinks. It's cold out here. He looks down.
When had he put on his shoes?
Well, that didn’t matter.
Where he was going was only a short walk away from Katai’s apartment.
Kunikida’s legs took him.
He stares at the water flow. It swishes with the cold wind.
Gentle sounds.
Kunikida was completely relaxed.
Kunikida was completely okay now.
Wow, he’d gotten here quick…
Maybe faster than he wanted to.
Kunikida felt sick. He was nauseous. He leaned against the thick, stone railing of the bridge, steadying himself. There was no safety net.
Perhaps his death would inspire the city to put one here…
Though, this bridge wasn’t very popular.
He stared into the water.
He watched it light up and sparkle with the occasional passing car.
He is completely relaxed.
He is completely okay now.
He climbed onto the cold stone of the rails.
I’m completely relaxed.
I’m completely okay now.
Kunikida’s hair blew in the wind. He was freezing. He turns and faces away from the water.
He’s not scared.
His legs are trembling.
He’s not scared.
Ishouldberelaxedrightnow—
WhyamInotrelaxed—
A content sigh slips from his mouth. He smiles and closes his eyes.
This is perfect.
He can't help but hope something will happen. That something will stop him. That someone will need him.
Kunikida blows out all the air in his lungs.
Kunikida leans back, back, back—
He falls.
The wind is loud in his ears. It doesn’t last for long.
His body hits the water.
He sinks.
And he’s completely okay.