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“We’ll start off with a few test questions, just to make sure everything is hooked up correctly.” The woman in the fancy pantsuit asked. She’d said her name earlier, but Buck couldn’t remember it because he was already annoyed at having to try to sit still. “Is your name Evan Buckley?”
“Yes.”
“Are you currently a firefighter for the LAFD?”
“Yes.”
“Alright, everything looks good. So we’re going to keep going. Is Evan Buckley your full name?”
“No.” Buck answered easily, unsurprised by her look of confusion at him answering truthfully.
“It’s on your paperwork that it is.” She looked over the machine again. “Have you been filing incorrect paperwork?”
“No.” Buck answered again, but she gave him the annoyed look instead of the machine this time.
“Explain.”
“People are allowed to put their preferred name down on unofficial paperwork.” Buck stated easily. “What I filled out wasn’t a tax form or anything else that I needed to list my full, legal name for. So you get Evan Buckley, as I’ve been writing it since I was in first grade.”
“For the record, please state your full legal name and date and year of birth.”
“Evander Jeremiah Buckley. June 30th, 1992.” Buck replied.
“Are you from LA?”
“Yes.” Buck grinned, knowing the result would show as truth because to him it was.
“Were you born in LA?” She amended.
“No.”
“Where were you born?”
“Harrisburg, Pennsylvania.”
“Do you have any siblings? If so, how many?”
“Yes. Six.” He kept his face as straight as he could. She hadn’t specified biological or not. And Daniel was and wasn’t his brother, but since they never had a relationship, Buck didn’t count him. He was pretty sure he could get through this whole thing telling a few … stretches of the truth. It wasn’t lying, it just wasn’t the complete truth. Hen, Chim, Albert, May, and Harry were as much siblings to Buck as Maddie was. Thus, technically, true.
“Have you ever joined the military?”
“Almost.” Buck tilted his head. “Does it count if I went through training but didn’t enlist?”
“What branch?”
“Navy.”
“I’ll note it, but your answer counts.” She scribbled on her paper. “What was your field of study after high school?”
“I had several.” Buck blinked at her. “Mixology, hospitality, framing technician, general construction, ranch hand, accompanist, lifeguard, and firefighter.”
“Have you ever been in legal trouble?”
“No.”
“In the past five years, have you gotten mental health help?”
“Yes.”
“Was any of your therapy or counseling from the past five years job related?”
“No.”
“Are you currently in a relationship?”
“No.”
“How many relationships have you been in?”
“What do you consider a relationship?” Buck asked curiously.
“More than two dates.” She clarified, giving him an annoyed look.
“Ok.” Buck nodded a little to himself. “By those guidelines, four.”
“How often did you change sexual partners?”
“Aside from my four relationships, between 19 and 26 I had a different partner as frequently as two to five times a week. As an estimate. I did go a few weeks, maybe a month, every so often, without a partner.”
“That’s … a lot.”
“So slut shaming is your deal. Got it.”
“No, sorry.” She cleared her throat and her cheeks were actually a little pink. “I just haven’t met anyone who was so cavalier with their sexual health.”
“I learned a lot.” Buck smirked at her, unsurprised that her face got more red.
“Where did you live prior to LA?”
“Lima, Peru.”
“You lived in a foreign country?”
“For around nine months.”
“Where did you live that wasn’t a foreign country prior to LA?”
“Legally I still lived in Hershey, Pennsylvania.”
“Were you, at any point in your life, homeless?”
“I don’t consider it homeless when I had a car.” Buck frowned. “By technicality, yes, I would be considered homeless to the general public. In my opinion and by my definition, no, I wasn’t.”
“Did you at any point in your life, live somewhere other than a house or apartment?” She clarified, giving him another annoyed look. Honestly, the fact she was getting annoyed was helping Buck. Fueling him in his choice to give non-answers.
“Yes.”
“Have you ever broken the law?”
“No.”
“Have you ever been hospitalized for more than one week?”
“Yes.”
“Have you ever been blackout drunk?”
“Yes.”
“Have you ever used illegal substances?”
“No.”
“Do you have a passport?”
“Yes.”
“Is anyone you work with aware you were homeless?”
“No.”
“How old are you?”
“Thirty one.”
“Have you ever been on a cruise?”
“Yes.” (technically he’d been on the ship to rescue Bobby and Athena, but Buck knew they wouldn’t actually verify that answer)
“Have you ever been responsible for a child or children of your coworkers or family?”
“Yes.”
“Have you ever been a foster parent?”
“No.”
“Are you now, or have you ever, had a romantic relationship or romantic feelings for or with any of your coworkers?”
“No.”
“What is your relationship with Hen Wilson?”
“Coworkers. Brother and sister. Friends.”
“Howard Han?”
“Coworkers, brothers and brothers-in-law.”
“Edmundo Diaz?”
“Best friend. Partner.”
“Robert Nash?”
“Captain. Parental support figure.”
“Ravi Panikkar?”
“Coworker. Sometimes. He’s usually on another shift.”
“Karen Wilson?”
“Sister-in-law.”
“Maddie Han?”
“Sister.”
“Athena Grant-Nash?”
“Friend. Alternate parental support figure.”
“Albert Han?”
“Friend. Brother.”
“Final question, I think.” She looked over everything before looking up and meeting his eyes, looking more serious than she did at the beginning, which Buck hadn’t thought was possible. “At any point in time, during this interview, did you lie and not get caught?”
“Yes.” Buck smirked when the machine didn’t indicate a lie.
“You lied.” She blinked at him and the machine, frowning at them both alternately.
“I did.”
“Right. We’re taking a break.” She started unhooking him and he was led out to a waiting area where everyone else was sitting, looking as annoyed as he felt at the beginning of everything.
“How’d it go?” Bobby asked curiously.
“Alright.” Buck shrugged. “Wanna tell me why we were doing this again?”
“They have a new machine and a new interrogator and they need to test them both out. The Captain asked, and since they worked out a deal that we could all get paid for this, I figured it would be a nice change of pace.” Bobby said easily.
“So how many lies did you tell?” Chim asked with a crooked grin.
“How many did you get caught in?” Buck snorted.
“Literally all of them.” Chim laughed. “I can’t lie for shit, but I figured I’d give it a shot.”
“I got caught on a couple, but that’s more because I remembered something halfway through my answer.” Hen added.
“That machine is frustratingly accurate.” Eddie grumbled.
“So?” Chim said, looking at him. “How many?”
“Mr. Buckley?” Buck turned and found the woman and a few other people there, “we are going to try again. New questions this time.”
“Why is he going again?” Hen asked, standing beside Buck.
“Because every single one of you attempted to lie and were caught in it.” The woman stated simply. “All of you except for Mr. Buckley.”
“He doesn’t generally lie.” Bobby frowned, looking at Buck. “But he also knows how to distract and misdirect conversations.”
“Lies by omission are still lies.” She argued. “You were all asked the same question at the end. At any point during the interview, did you lie? Some of you tried to say yes or no, but it immediately registered as a lie. Mr. Buckley said yes and nothing changed or indicated he was lying. So. I now have a file, and a new set of questions, and we are going to try again. You can all wait in the observation room if you would like.”
“Knowing they’re all watching isn’t going to change my answers.” Buck pointed out.
“The thing about lying, Mr. Buckley, is that in order for it to be perceived as truth, the person speaking must truly believe some part of the answer given. Consider this a psychological evaluation, as there will be a psychologist and psychiatrist in the room with us.” She stated before turning around and signaling everyone to follow.
“Buck-”
“Cap,” Buck cut Bobby off and grinned at him, “relax. I’m not getting arrested and I haven’t actually done anything wrong. All I did was answer the questions she asked in a way she didn’t like. I don’t have to elaborate for a lie detector because the longer the answer the more inaccurate the reading. All I have to say is yes or no. If she makes me explain, then we’ll see what happens. Seriously, relax.”
“I know your file, kid.” Bobby said quietly.
“Yeah, I know.” Buck was still grinning. “She has a copy of all my shit now too. That’s not gonna help her because she doesn’t know me. It wouldn’t even help these guys and they’ve worked with me for around eight years. Well, Eddie only six and half ish.”
“I feel like your sister should be here for this.” Chim piped in.
“You’re all going to ask me about shit when this is over anyway, and she’ll join in because she’ll suddenly realize she doesn’t know anything about the time I left home to when she got here.” Buck argued. “Go watch me terrorize this lady again. You can bug me about it later.”
“Be smart.” Eddie said quietly when everyone went into the observation room, stopping by Buck’s side.
“Don’t you know, Eds?” Buck couldn’t help his widening grin. “I’m an idiot. A dumbass kid.”
“You’re a menace to society who’s a genius masquerading as an idiot.” Eddie huffed.
“Maybe.” Buck snickered, bumping wrists with Eddie before going to sit in the uncomfortable chair again. He waited patiently to be hooked up to the machine.
“State your full legal name and date of birth for the record.” The woman said once he had sat there for a minute.
“Evander Jeremiah Buckley. June 30th, 1992.” Buck stated for the second time that day. Granted it was the first time anyone in the firehouse would know his name wasn’t just Evan Buckley.
“Preferred name?”
“Buck.”
“Preferred name when filling out official or unofficial paperwork.” She gave him an annoyed look.
“Evan Buckley.”
“What is your home of record?”
“Los Angeles.”
“Do you know what home of record means?”
“Apparently not since you’re asking again.” Buck frowned. “I understand it to be the place of legal residence.”
“Home of record, often used for military personnel, refers to the city and state an enlistee grew up in. By that definition, where is your home of record?”
“Hershey, Pennsylvania.”
“How frequently do you visit this home of record?”
“Never.”
“You haven’t gone home in 13 years?”
“Correct.”
“Right. Did you graduate in 2011?”
“No.”
“Your record shows you would have graduated in 2011 based on when you started school. Why is that incorrect?”
“My parents enrolled me late.” Buck answered easily. “They forgot, so I started school a year later than I should have. I took summer classes and graduated in 2010, when I was supposed to.”
“Did your parents enroll you in your summer classes?”
“No. I did. I enrolled myself.”
“Why did your parents start you in school a year later than you should have been enrolled?”
“They forgot.” Buck tilted his head. “Best guess I can give. Don’t actually know and never asked.”
“You didn’t want to know?”
“No.”
“How many biological siblings do you have?”
“One.”
“Who is Daniel Buckley?”
“No idea.”
“No … idea.” She repeated dumbly. “You don’t know that he was your brother?”
“I know that much.” Buck snorted. “You asked who he was, I took that to mean who he was as a person. I don’t know. I wasn’t even two when he died. I know his name and that we had the same hair color as kids. The end.”
“Were there family pictures displayed in your childhood home?” She cleared her throat and looked back at her list and the machine.
“Some.” Buck agreed. “There’s only one with me in it. One of me and Maddie. The day she got her driver’s license. I was six.”
“What is your relationship with Margaret and Phillip Buckley?”
“Genetic.”
“Have you spoken to Margaret or Phillip Buckley of your own choice in the past five years?”
“No.”
“Were you aware of your sister’s condition while married to Doug Kendall?”
“No.”
“Did you suspect?”
“I can’t answer that accurately.” Buck stated. “I could say yes, that I knew there was something not right, but I was ten when she ran off with him. I was 19 the next time I saw her. I know now because we’ve talked about it so my answer isn’t reliable.”
“Were you 19?”
“No.” Buck grinned. “I was 18 for another few months. I still counted it.”
“Why did you leave home?”
“That’s not a yes or no question.” Buck pointed out. “And it’s not an answer that can be gauged by your machine.”
“Which is why we have additional personnel present, skilled in reading body language and unsaid context clues.” She arched an eyebrow at him.
“My parents wouldn’t let me leave.” Buck answered. “They wanted me to stay in the house and go to school locally, be a doctor for whatever reason. So I stayed. But I worked instead of doing school, which they didn’t and probably still don’t know. I was a full time mechanic, bought a motorcycle from the shop that had been left behind, only to be run over a few months later. I was on my parents’ medical insurance, so they were called by the hospital about my injuries. I got home and was yelled at for being reckless, for thinking I was invincible, though I was pretty sure I never gave them the impression I thought I was. What mom said always bothered me and I didn’t know why until a few years ago. She said children die. Maddie showed up and drove me away and then gave me her keys.”
“Do you know why your sister did not leave town with you?”
“At the time I didn’t. But I can guess.”
“You sent postcards to the hospital she worked at. Not her home.”
“Yes.”
“Did you suspect your brother-in-law was hurting her?”
“I just knew he wasn’t a good person and didn’t like me.” Buck said carefully. “Looking back I can guess that he beat the crap out of her for giving me her car. No, I didn’t know that then. And I’ve already had one person yell at me for not considering what giving me her car cost her.”
“Does she know what it cost you?”
“No.” Buck answered more quietly.
“How long did you live in the car before you were able to get a motel or apartment?”
“Pfff.” Buck blew out a breath. “Maybe three years?”
“You mentioned military training, but not enlisting. Where did you do your training?”
“Coronado.”
“Coronado.” She repeated, blinking at him. “What made you sign up for training?”
“Free bed and food.”
“Why didn’t you enlist when you were done?”
“It was a two year training program. Or nearly. I could do the physical requirements, but couldn’t quiet my emotional responses like they wanted. So I left before it ended.”
“What made you go to Peru?”
“Nothing better to do.”
“What made you come back?”
“A dare.”
“So you didn’t come back purposely to be a firefighter?”
“I did.”
“Because of a dare.”
“A dare and a movie.” Buck tilted his head. “Maybe a dare because of a movie.”
“You were top of your class at the academy.”
“Yes.”
“You were reprimanded for sleeping with a cadre member.”
“No.”
“So you didn’t sleep with a cadre member?”
“I did.”
“But you weren’t reprimanded for it?”
“The cadre member in question was responsible for intaking new applicants, nowhere in my chain of command or in any way responsible for my class. We knew it was a one time thing, and eventually the commandant saw proof that it was. We slept together after a night at a bar, then moved on.”
“You were mandated trauma counseling after your first loss on the job.”
“Yes.”
“The counselor was fired and blacklisted from further work in California.”
“Good.”
“Why?”
“Quid pro quo.”
“I don’t think I understand. Elaborate.”
“She knew who I was when I got to the appointment. Even sent me social media friend requests. Sex was always my means of getting physical comfort back then. So I didn’t think her climbing in my lap during the appointment was that unusual. Until she said she’d sign off on me returning to work and that what we did never happened. She had sex with me, said I was fit for duty, and then I was caught in not understanding what happened until I started virtual therapy during COVID.”
“You … you were sexually assaulted.”
“Zero stars. Do not recommend.”
“Is that experience why you advocated for support groups with other firefighters and first responders over one on one counseling?”
“Obviously.”
“Mr. Buckley.”
“Fine. Yes.”
“Are you aware of the Union for firefighters?”
“I am now.”
“You weren’t aware when you became a firefighter?”
“No.”
“How did you find out?”
“Training a probie.”
“Elaborate.”
“Ravi Panikkar. During the malware attack a few years back. He told me about it and how he’d talked to them a few times for various issues he’d had concerns about. Even gave me a point of contact for them.”
“So you weren’t informed when you filed a lawsuit?”
“No.”
“Why did you file a lawsuit?”
“Captain Nash was holding me back. At first he said it was the brass that didn’t want me out in the field, then he said it was him. I didn’t know what to believe and I was angry so I talked to an idiot of a lawyer. We’ve had some … talks since then. Me and Bobby. He saw the attack I was injured in as someone trying to take away one of his kids. After a while he started trusting me again.”
“You’re known for making risky rescue maneuvers.”
“Ok.”
“Do you purposely put yourself in risky situations?”
“No.”
“Have you ever intentionally put yourself in a dangerous position, especially during a rescue operation?”
“No.”
“Have you ever been arrested?”
“No.”
“Have you ever evaded arrest?”
“No.”
“Have you ever been accused of a crime?”
“Yes.”
“You trained to be a Navy SEAL.”
“Yes.”
“This … will not work then.”
“What?” Buck frowned.
“Navy SEALs train to be able to withstand interrogation. To tell parts of the truth, enough to be believable.”
“Told you I left.”
“And how far did you make it before leaving? A week? Six months?”
“A year.”
“The psychological and interrogative prerogatives are covered in month four and reevaluated in month 16. You have enough training that it will negate what I’m asking.”
“Except the purpose of this,” Buck argued, “was to test you as an interrogator and the machine as a detector. Not my ability to speak truly or lie. The test is for you to determine what I am saying out loud and what I’m not.”
“Yes.”
“So what am I really saying about your questions?”
“You should have been taken from your parents when you were a toddler, at the least.” She said carefully. “They were unable to care for you beyond forcing your older sister to do it by making her ignore her own grief. Making her susceptible to the manipulations of her abusive late husband. You got hurt as a child and got attention from your parents because of it. There are records of dozens of injuries; broken bones, stitches, sprains, multiple times a year from the time you were walking until when you left. You were abused-”
“I wasn’t.” Buck argued. “I was neglected, sure, and ridiculously accident prone, but I wasn’t abused. Maddie was abused.”
“Childhood emotional and psychological abuse are still present based on your responses.” A man said, cutting in. “Frank. Therapist.”
“I was not abused.” Buck argued again.
“You are a failed savior sibling who did not know until recently. You have not accepted or talked about what that did to your reevaluation of your entire childhood.” Frank stated. “You were made to heal a brother your family buried, literally and figuratively. And you were pushed to move on as if it didn’t change the entire dynamic or understanding of your biological family.”
“No one cares.” Buck said quietly. The machine remained steady.
“Why? Because they focused more on what that meant for your sister?”
“Yes.” Buck said quickly. “She buried a brother. Someone she knew and loved and played with until I was suddenly there and he was in the hospital and then gone. She knew him. I didn’t.”
“You were arrested for shoplifting when you were 22.” The woman added. “So you lied. I’m honestly more curious about what is and isn’t actually true based on your responses.”
“I was caught by a grocery store security guy who ended up collecting money from a few people to pay for the food I clearly needed. No charges were filed, cops weren’t called, and I was able to leave town. So I wasn’t officially arrested. You asked if I’d been arrested or evaded arrest, the answer is still no.”
“You started virtual therapy to deal with issues about your family.”
“Yes.”
“You were a self proclaimed sex addict.”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“I understand sex.” Buck said flatly. “Chemical reactions in the body and brain that tell you something feels good. I know how to get those reactions out of people. Making someone else feel good made me feel good about myself. Shit coping mechanism, I know.”
“You’re touch starved.”
“No.”
“You have ADD.”
“No.”
“You have ADHD.”
“Yes.”
“You're on medication.”
“No.”
“You are currently prescribed medication for anxiety, depression, and ADHD.”
“Yes.”
“Why are you not taking your medications?”
“Pharmacy was out.” Buck grinned. “I’ve been without Adderall for three days now. Good time to decide to do this, by the way.”
“You trained yourself not to display symptoms of withdrawal."
“I trained myself to hide physical discomfort in the face of medical issues.” Buck argued.
“Why?”
“Why not?” Buck arched an eyebrow and looked at the various people in the room. “If I am currently diagnosed as ADHD, it wasn’t something that just appeared overnight. I was undiagnosed and unmedicated as a kid. Meaning if I was uncomfortable it was seen as me acting out, not experiencing actual pain to some degree, because I was never able to sit still, regardless of pain levels.”
“You’re a chameleon.” Frank cut in. “You watch and learn how to blend in.”
“Is that a question?” Buck asked, trying not to smirk.
“Mind if I consult with your current therapist?” Frank asked.
“Why?”
“Professional curiosity.” Frank shrugged. “I have a feeling you aren’t being entirely truthful with what you’re experiencing in your sessions.”
“Still working through some things.” Buck admitted. “Whenever I answer truthfully, whenever I voice a personal opinion, concern, or question, it’s never well received.”
“So someone asked your feelings in regard to meeting your parents after a decade of no contact?” The woman asked interestedly.
“Someone asked why I was willing to forgive them for lying to me and not my sister.” Buck corrected.
“Except you have no emotional bond with your biological parents, thus forgiving them or not wouldn’t actually affect you.”
“My parents don’t care. They don’t even like me. I was allowed to be upset or angry or sad for a few days after learning my sister purposely kept me in the dark for nearly 30 years. She lied to me and continued to lie to me and then put her partner in the middle by telling him he couldn’t say anything to me when we were at work. So she lied to me, he kept the secret and physically ran away from me. Whatever trust was there was gone at that point and had to be rebuilt based on the new information I had.”
“Yet you still counted him in the number of siblings you said you had.” The woman added.
“He’s still my brother even if he’s an asshole at times.” Buck snorted. “He puts Maddie first and takes care of her. She’s his priority, and she should be. Did he know before this that I was still playing nice with him and Maddie and our parents? No. Because it isn’t relevant.”
“It is!” Chimney burst out, stumbling into the room. The others were standing back, but clearly wanting to come in.
“Come in, I guess.” The woman said, and Bobby shut the door behind them, giving the woman an apologetic smile.
“Why do you think what you feel about your parents doesn’t matter to me?” Chimney asked.
“Why do you think I told you I forgave them?” Buck countered.
“Because they were finally honest with you.” Chimney frowned.
“No.” Chimney watched the machine when Buck answered. As Buck expected, it didn’t move.
“Because … because they … hm.” Chim scratched his head before snapping his fingers. “Because they care about Maddie.”
“They care about Maddie.” Buck agreed. “I’m a failed science experiment to them. Apologizing to them for having to lose Daniel made them feel better about lying to me all my life.”
“You deserve to feel how you feel about it.” Hen argued. “About anything.”
“No. I don’t.”
“Why not?” Everyone but Eddie asked. Eddie was just watching him curiously.
“I had Bobby as my emergency contact in my probie time.” Buck said carefully. “I didn’t have anyone else and never mentioned that I even had any living family. Not until Maddie was physically here.”
“So you lied about having biological family when you became a firefighter?” The woman asked.
“No. I was a single man in my 20s. I didn’t have a spouse or kids, no immediate family. At that point in time, I was sure I didn’t have any family other than my sister anymore. Even if it had been three years since we talked on the phone and eight since we’d seen each other.” Buck answered.
“What is an instance you felt you reacted emotionally and were shown you couldn’t do so again without reprisal or reprimand?” The woman asked, trying to get them back on track.
“I wanted to come back to work after I recertified when my leg was crushed.” Buck answered. “I had a pulmonary embolism, but I had medication to help with the clots that had developed from a bad reaction to the hardware in my leg.”
“Bad reaction?” Bobby asked.
“Sometimes medical implants are soaked in anti-inflammatory meds prior to being put in place. I’m allergic to a lot of those. Not even mentioning that my medical records go back to conception showing extensive allergy testing prior to donating to Daniel. Anyway, the implants disagreed with my body. I thought I was just feeling normal recovery pain, nerve damage, ya know? But no one asked and no one cared to ask. So I was told I couldn’t work again. Not yet. And then I was in a tsunami with an eight year old. I survived that day, Chris survived, and I was still told I wasn’t ready. Not even the dozens of people I saved that day were enough to assuage concerns about my ability to do the job. I proved I could do it. No one wanted to see that because finding out I had gone through it scared everyone.” Buck stated.
“It was a nightmare that seemed to keep changing and morphing into something worse.” Eddie said quietly.
“And I was alone.” Buck said firmly. “So I talked to Bobby, asking if he could put in a good word for me, that I was good to come back, and he said I couldn’t come back because of him. I have had people shutting me out ‘for my own good’,” he quoted, careful not to dislodge the equipment, “since I was a kid.”
“So you saw what we were doing, letting our fear control our actions, as us abandoning you?” Hen asked carefully.
“Yes.” Buck said easily. “Because no one thought about my fear. No one cared about my fear.”
“What did your sister say to get you to agree to see your parents?” The woman asked.
“That we were a united front.”
“Were you?”
“No.”
“Why not?” Chimney blurted out.
“Because I didn’t know she was talking with them regularly, let alone that she was using me as a reason to try and get them to show up.” Buck stated simply. “They came here for her and to meet you before Jee was born. Not me.”
“Are you still pissed that I hit you?” Chimney asked. Buck blinked at him.
“I wasn’t pissed.”
“Upset? Angry? Sad?” Chimney pushed.
“Sad, maybe.” Buck agreed. “You blamed me for Maddie leaving and for not telling you she’d called to tell me she was doing so. She trusted you to take care of your daughter, and instead you yelled at me and hit me. So I’m not pissed. You did exactly what you told me you were going to do.”
“What?” Chimney frowned. “What did I say I was going to do?”
“You told me I wouldn’t get to see Jee-Yun.” Buck answered easily.
“I said that so you’d give me a phone charger!” Chimney exclaimed.
“Maybe, but you still did it. After the blackout, Maddie was gone, and barely a week later you hit me and then you and Jee-Yun were gone. The next time I saw her she was already a year old. And she had no idea who I was. My own niece didn’t know me. So thanks.”
“You watch her now.” Chimney argued.
“Did you talk when Chimney came back?” The woman interrupted.
“No.”
“Did you talk to your sister when she got back?”
“Yes.”
“Did you tell her how you felt?”
“Not entirely.”
“Elaborate.”
“I told her she didn’t know what it was like to be left.” Buck blurted out, pursing his lips and taking a breath. “She is always the one who leaves. She’s left me three times in my life. And I have accepted her back, when she comes back, every time. Maddie leaves. It’s what she does. But she’s never been left like I have been. Like Eddie has, or Chimney. She didn’t understand why Jee didn’t want to spend time with me when they were back, which meant Chimney didn’t tell her what he did at that point. He threatened to keep my niece away from me, and then he did it. When he came back to work, he walked by me, said ‘we good?’ then walked off.”
“How did the others you work with react?” The woman pressed.
“Hen talked to him all the time when he was gone and was constantly updating Bobby about what he was doing, even sharing pictures of Jee with him, regardless of if I was there or that Chimney’s voicemail told me to stop calling. Bobby was trying to find replacements, no matter how temporary, especially after Eddie quit.”
“You were the partner.” Frank said, looking over at Eddie who was scowling. “Were you informed he was quitting?”
“No.” Buck answered quietly. “I found out with everyone else.”
“It was my mess.” Eddie said firmly.
“Are we done?” Buck asked, not wanting to get into that.
“No, you’re finally having emotional responses that the machine can register.” The woman said sternly. “Go on, Frank.”
“Your sister left you.” Frank said. “Her partner assaulted you and took his daughter, your niece, away. Then your partner quit without a word.”
“Yes.” Buck grit his teeth.
“In all of that you never filed any reports or concerns or grievances with your captain.” Frank pointed out.
“No.”
“It sounds like the rest of the firehouse let your familial drama affect them at work.” Frank continued. “Is that how you saw it?”
“Not- not exactly.” Buck stuttered a little, getting his first little blip on the machine. “It’s complicated. Yes and no.”
“Explain your ‘yes’.”
“Hen has been Chimney’s best friend for a decade, at least. She was always going to be on his side. Bobby has known him longer and after the rebar and blood drive, they were good friends, too. Eddie knew what it was like to have his child’s mother walk away from them. So he knew what Chimney was feeling and could sympathize. I did not factor into the equation.” Buck said as gently as he could.
“And the ‘no’?”
“We’re not actually a family.” Buck said, nearly in a whisper. “When I first started, Bobby was constantly telling me we weren’t a family. Even if it felt like what I witnessed with other families. I don’t have personal experience with loving, caring family. But the thing is, even if we were a family, then the only person who was ever on my side was already gone. How they treated Chimney’s situation, and then Eddie’s, showed me that how I felt didn’t matter. My sister came to LA, came to ME, and when she left, no one fucking cared about what that did to me. I had to let her go and hope that she came back while they leaned on and supported each other.”
“You had a girlfriend!” Chimney exclaimed.
“Who I had only been dating for four months when you left. Did you and Maddie have deep, trauma related conversations after dating for four months?” Buck snapped.
“No.” Chimney admitted, flushing as several people glared at him.
“You asked for advice.” Bobby said quietly. “And we treated you like an idiot instead of understanding that she was only your second relationship that made it more than a few months.”
“Yes.” Buck agreed.
“I’m sorry about that, kid. I should have thought before snapping at you. Especially in front of other people.” Bobby said, looking genuinely apologetic.
“It was two years ago.” Buck gave Bobby an exasperated look. “I’m fine.”
“Do you consider your coworkers family?” Frank asked, drawing Buck’s attention again.
“Yes.”
“Do you think they consider you family as well?” Frank asked.
“Yes.”
“Yet you did not designate Eddie as a familial bond when questioned earlier.” Frank pointed out.
“He’s my best friend.” Buck frowned.
“So he’s not like a brother?” Frank pushed.
“No.” Buck tried not to fidget because he could NOT think of Eddie as a brother. It was not their relationship.
“Not a cousin or step-sibling?”
“He’s my partner.” Buck argued.
“So you don’t see Christopher as your son?”
“I do.” Buck snapped, looking away from Frank but accidentally meeting Eddie’s eyes. “I mean, if- if that’s ok?”
“Buck.” Eddie said exasperatedly. “I wouldn’t have given him to you if it wasn’t ok.”
“How do you give someone your child, legally?” The woman asked in confusion, watching Eddie before facing Buck. “What is your role in your partner’s son’s life?”
“Back-up dad.” Buck said easily, but Eddie let out a dramatic sigh. “What?”
“You’re not a back-up dad. You’re more of a bonus dad.” Eddie stated.
“Yeah, but she asked for my legal role. Not my actual, physical role.” Buck argued. “Legally I’m a back-up. Not unless you wanna marry me and make me step-dad complete with adoption.”
“So you do have romantic feelings for a coworker?” The woman grinned.
“No. Everyone knows Eddie’s hot.” Buck frowned. “Lust and romance are very different. I can offer you some book recommendations, if you want?”
“Stop looking at my ass, Buck.” Eddie said with a snort.
“Stop having a nice ass, Eddie.” Buck retorted, smiling when Eddie laughed.
“Boys.” Bobby said in that tired dad tone.
“Are you straight?” Frank asked curiously.
“I’m Buck.” Buck answered, earning a disappointed sigh from the man and a few laughs from Eddie and Hen. “What does that have to do with anything?”
“Are you aware that there have been complaints submitted about your partnership with Eddie in the field?” Frank asked.
“Yes.”
“Do you know why?” Frank pressed.
“Because they’re jealous they don’t work so seamlessly with their own partner.” Buck frowned. “Right?”
“The complaints state that firefighters in a relationship outside of the firehouse shouldn’t be allowed to be partners in the field.” Frank stated.
“Wait, is that why we had someone from HR following us around those two times?” Buck looked over at Bobby who only arched an eyebrow at him. “It’s a legitimate question.”
“You discuss dinner plans, after school plans for Christopher, and weekend plans with each other while actively responding to calls.” Bobby said flatly. “When you rescued that hiker three months ago, you were discussing whether Chris should get to go to camp AND his grandparents for a few weeks with the patient having to listen to the whole thing since they were attached to you.”
“He wanted to be gone for four weeks!” Buck exclaimed.
“We talk better while we’re doing something, and we’d only just been informed by Chris and my parents that they were planning something before shift.” Eddie added. “We didn’t have time to talk it out over beer at home beforehand.”
“I think we should call it a day.” Frank stated. “And I want the both of you in my office for Eddie’s next appointment.”
“I can’t do office appointments.” Buck said hesitantly, his monitor spiking as his anxiety rose slightly. “I physically cannot do it.”
“What is the best way to move past a fear?” Frank asked gently.
“Can we at least wait until my pharmacy calls me back?” Buck argued. “I need at least one of my medications to be able to even get through the front door.”
“Eddie’s next appointment isn’t for another week. Which I know you already know. You aren’t going to be alone, and, no offense, but it would take more effort than it’s worth to crawl in anyone’s lap.” Frank tapped the side of his chair and Buck saw he was in a wheelchair.
“Oh. Ok. Actually that might make it easier to convince my brain to do it.” Buck nodded and licked his lips. “So did any of this actually help you?”
“Yes, surprisingly.” The woman laughed and started unhooking him. “Every person responds differently, depending on the wording of the question. A majority of the time law enforcement personnel just want the quick answer. They don’t want to read into or wait for the long explanation. We asked your team similar enough questions, but they all answered automatically, flushing and groaning as expected for attempts at lying. You are more literal than they are, with your thinking and communication patterns. If you are asked a direct, specific question, you answer truthfully and easily. You are able to think of various answers as the question is being asked and select a response that answers the question but allows room for interpretation. I wouldn’t be surprised if you had teachers when you were younger who harassed you about being autistic without doing a damn thing to actually help.”
“They didn’t.” Buck blinked at her as she took the wires and pads away from him.
“I am equally grateful and annoyed that you were my test subject today.” She said, handing him a sucker. It was mango habanero. Something he was pretty sure only Eddie knew he enjoyed.
“Thanks.” Buck took it and stuck it in his mouth right away, standing up as he was finally free from the contraption.
“Can I make another suggestion?” Frank pitched in, rolling over to the rest of the 118 and stopping closer to Bobby. “As a therapist in general, and not the one who sees half of you already.”
“Sure.” Bobby chuckled.
“Try some team building or bonding events together. Maybe talk about the issues that you all have moved past and are now realizing were perceived in a completely different way than you intended?” Frank said. “I knew some of the issues Buck has been dealing with from a combination of people who have talked to me. But I did not realize that he’d just accepted your responses as the most he deserved, and not the least.”
“We’re not gonna talk about how Eddie and Buck were flirting and not realizing it?” Hen snorted.
“He knows he’s flirting.” Eddie argued. “And maybe it boosts the ego to have someone say I still look good for a parent of a teenager?”
“You have a girlfriend for that.” Chimney cut in.
“I HAD a girlfriend for that.” Eddie scrunched his face up. “Because Frank was nice enough to give me a sexuality crisis.”
“I did not.” Frank frowned.
“Fine, you told me about compulsory heterosexuality, which is the same thing to me.” Eddie rolled his eyes.
“What’s that?” Buck asked curiously. “I know what the words are independently, but not put together.”
“What do you think it means?” Frank asked before Eddie could say anything else.
“Well, compulsory would be like a compulsion. Something someone is driven to do either because of already established mental pathways or because of an outside stressor. Like society or family or something. Like, Maddie had to check on me as a baby constantly because our parents wouldn’t, so she felt compelled to look in my room or make sure I was breathing because if she couldn’t see it she freaked out that I wasn’t real or had died somehow in my sleep. Her compulsion to check on me has … gotten better. Sort of. Heterosexuality is a given. So I guess … put together,” Buck wobbled his head a bit, “I guess it means that someone feels the necessity to be in a heterosexual relationship because of a compulsion. Either forced on them by society or some sort of traumatic experience. Familial expectations, shit like that.”
“Well said.” Frank smiled at him.
“Guess that explains why you were always so freaked out about Ana or Marisol seeming like a permanent part of your family.” Buck passed his sucker to Eddie. He knew Eddie liked that flavor as well because they usually fought over the last one.
“I got tired of performing for a relationship I didn’t actually want.” Eddie huffed, putting the sucker in his cheek. “You don’t care that I’m a disaster.”
“Only because you don’t care that I’m one.” Buck argued. “And Chris finds our disastrous personal lives entertaining.”
“He still won’t listen to me when I tell him our lives are not a telenovela.” Eddie grumbled.
“You knew he’d broken up with Marisol.” Chimney frowned at him.
“Best friend privileges.” Buck smiled, taking his sucker back from Eddie.
“You two are seriously just sharing a sucker?” Hen asked disgustedly.
“I know where his mouth has been.” Eddie shrugged unconcernedly. “It’s not that weird. You’ve shared suckers with your kids and wife before. Pretty sure I’m immune to everything by now.”
“I wouldn’t trust anything from Buck’s mouth.” Chimney said quietly before his eyes widened and he realized what he said. “Wait! Not like that!” Buck just smirked, because he knew Chimney would say something like that. He thought it was funny and could joke about it now. Plus it was funny watching him sputter and try to correct himself.
“Group activities.” Frank stated before they could devolve again. “Seriously. You all need it because you are one big dysfunctional family, but you could be functional. Take a poll or make suggestions.”
“Thank you all for thinking of us for this.” Bobby said with a smile, trying not to laugh as Chimney continued to flounder for something else to say to correct himself. “We appreciate it.”
“Thank you for having someone like Buck to really challenge us.” The woman said with a smile.
“Yeah, he’s one of a kind.” Bobby said, winking at Buck.
Buck ignored his cheeks feeling warm as they headed out. Eddie stole the sucker again and Buck let him. They made it outside, nearly to their cars before someone broke and talked again.
“What kind of sucker is that?” Hen asked. “I have never seen you eat suckers.”
“Mango habanero.” Buck and Eddie answered together.
“I used to get some and just leave them for Eddie since he didn’t like spending money on himself for things he liked, but then I tried one, and, well. Now we end up fighting over the last one before I inevitably go out and find more to stock at both our places.” Buck stated.
“He liked to give them to me when I got done with therapy after the fight club and then again after my PTSD episode.” Eddie agreed, dodging away from Buck grabbing for the sucker. “We’re currently out, but he hasn’t had time to get more.”
“Buck!” The woman from inside called, hurrying after them as much as she could without looking like she was chasing them. “Sorry, I do actually have one last question.”
“Shoot.” Buck said, digging into Eddie’s dash to find the emergency sucker he stashed there. But when he got it out, Eddie gave him his back and stole the new one.
“What’s your IQ?”
“One sixty-two.” Buck answered while the others repeated ‘IQ’ before staring at him in shock. “What? It never came up.”
“When did you even get tested?” Bobby asked curiously.
“Uh,” Buck, again, tried not to fidget.
“Ask your wife.” Eddie said helpfully. He’d been sworn to secrecy by Athena when she’d taken him in with May because they were both curious about where he fell.
“Thank you, again, for participating today.” The woman waved them off and headed back inside. Buck’s phone dinged and he looked at it before thrusting it in Eddie’s face.
“No!” Eddie groaned and covered his face. Almost like if he didn’t look it wasn’t there.
“What now?” Bobby sighed, looking like he was bracing for bad news.
“The pharmacy won’t have Buck’s refills for another two days.” Eddie said through his hands. “They tried requesting it through another pharmacy, but they were also out.”
“The nearest place to get any is in freaking San Diego, but they can’t get it here until tomorrow, and then have it ready for me the day after.” Buck said, equally annoyed. “I haven’t gone this long off of it in nearly three years, Eddie. What the fuck am I gonna do?”
“I could make it to San Diego in a few hours.” Hen stated, but Buck was trying really hard not to pace and tear his hair out. He still wasn’t used to other people knowing he was on meds.
“Have you tried more natural remedies?” Bobby asked carefully.
“The only thing that could work similarly for the dosage he needs, is Speed.” Eddie gave him a look. “And that’s illegal, and Buck doesn’t put that crap in his body. The gummies from the weed shop don’t work for him like they do for me.”
“Um, you know you can’t take that as a first responder, right?” Hen asked.
“We have doctor’s notes for CBD.” Eddie waved them off. “LAFD is aware. The shit the VA tried putting me on made me more anxious and gave me constant headaches and too many other fucking side effects to function. Let’s go, Buck. I’m feeding you an energy drink and letting you manic clean the loft so the mess stays away from home.”
“You boys staying there tonight?” Bobby asked.
“We’ll text you and let you know.” Buck said, feeling jittery from forcing himself to sit still for so long. “We need to go or I’m gonna end up running back.”
“See you guys later.” Eddie said, getting in to drive.
Buck couldn’t really drive when he was so jittery. Or rather Eddie said he couldn’t be a passenger for Buck when he was so jittery. He basically sucked down the ultimate energy drink that Eddie got for him. It was gone when they were still a couple blocks from the loft. Buck did try cleaning for a little while, but when he was in the kitchen he got distracted by a new recipe that Bobby had given him the week before. So he decided to bake while Eddie attempted to organize the chaos he’d walked away from. Eddie finally got him to stop after his tenth loaf of bread and they left it all to cool at the loft, aside from the three loaves Eddie snuck into his bag, before going to the house.
“So you don’t have romantic feelings for anyone you work with, huh?” Eddie asked after they’d taken turns showering and were ready to go to bed.
“Nope. None. Never even crossed my mind that I could.” Buck said, attempting to keep a straight face.
“So what am I?” Eddie tilted his head, smirking like a brat.
“You’re my partner.” Buck answered easily.
“I’ll get you to admit you like me one of these days.” Eddie snorted, crawling into bed, and flipping the covers down for Buck to get in instead of going to the couch. “And one of these days we’ll actually do something about it.”
“One day.” Buck chuckled. “But not until you’re ready. I’m good waiting. I don’t have the capacity to date right now either, so you taking a break from it all is forcing me to do the same. Oh, did you text Bobby?”
“I did that when you were in the shower.” Eddie hummed. “Give it.”
“Eddie.” Buck whined.
“Now, Buck.” Eddie said sternly. Buck groaned and reluctantly handed Eddie his phone. When Eddie kept his hand out Buck swore and handed him the tablet he’d picked up. “Laptop too, Buck.”
“Jesus Christ.” Buck huffed, grabbing the laptop that was between the mattress and the box spring and handed it over before burying his face in his pillow while Eddie put them away so Buck couldn’t get them back without waking him up. “I hate this.” Buck grumbled into the pillow.
“I know, bud, but we are going to work on doing this so your brain doesn’t think of new things and keep you up all night. Tell me about the Aztec temples.” Eddie shuffled in the bed until he was facing Buck. Buck started talking, and kept talking around his yawns as Eddie’s slow, steady, soft breaths were the only sound in the room aside from his intermittent yapping. Until he finally fell asleep.