Chapter Text
Matsumura truly didn't know how to feel other than disappointed when he first heard the news of Hirose's girlfriend. Though it wasn't something out of realm, he hadn't expected it to happen as soon as it did. The girl Hirose went out with was truly cute, no doubt. Like she was made exactly to match Hirose and there wasn't anything he could do about it.
As much as it sucked, Matsumura had instantly rationalized his feelings, what was the point of moping over something that's already done? He may be delusional, but he won't sabotage himself into misery. Hirose was happy, with someone else. That's just about enough for him.
So when he walked down the road on his way home, he didn't think he'd catch sight of his rival, Nakamura. A mop of black hair in the distance, standing over the railing of a bridge over the riverbank from where he was on the pathway home. Throwing rocks into the water, over and over again.
Nakamura is a somewhat an unclear territory for Matsumura. He was stubborn, hotheaded, fiery, and even more delusional than him. But ever since that day at the mall, Matsumura saw the side of him that was bigger than anything about his entire personality. His kindness, there's this softness to Nakamura that was very apparent in how hard he tries to help someone, how hard he tries despite keeping to himself.
Matsumura would be lying if he said he hadn't been paying attention to the shorter male after what happened between them. Resentment or irritation had swiftly transformed into curiosity. Nakamura was his rival, Matsumura is willing to set aside their past to try and get to know Nakamura, maybe they could be really great friends.
His feet had already made the decision for him as they walked Matsumura towards that bridge, where Nakamura was continuously throwing rocks down the river. It was clear to him that Nakamura wasn't doing this without reason, he looked like he was trying his hardest to throw every single rock there was on the bridge down the body of water. As if it all personally offended him, swinging his arms back then forward before picking up another rock to repeat the same motions.
Matsumura's presence wasn't even acknowledged, or maybe Nakamura was too into his rock throwing activity to really notice his presence.
"Those aren't flat enough," Matsumura had said, picking up another rock, this one flat and small, oval shaped, and threw it down at a lower angle. The rock flew past water surface and skipped three times before it sunk down.
Nakamura confirmed his suspicions, he hadn't realized Matsumura's presence until he had said something. Judging from the wide eyed stare Nakamura directed at him.
Matsumura turns to look at Nakamura, noticing the redness under his eyes, the slight crease in his brows and stiff stance. He found the sight unpleasant.
"Shut up, you jerk! Who even cares about that, that's not what i'm trying to do." the shorter of the two shot back instantly in reply, clenching his fists together, sounding more frustrated than he usually would when they interacted.
"Then what are you trying to do?" the question slipped out of his mouth without much thought, gauging Nakamura's reactions from where he stood against the railing. This seems to make Nakamura grit his teeth and throw another rock down the still water, not even gracing him with an answer. Creating patterns on the surface before it immediately sunk down.
"What are you trying to do?" when he repeated the same question, Nakamura looked up at Matsumura with a glare, voice filled with frustration, "I don't know, okay?! I just want to throw rocks at piece, is that so much to ask for? I don't want to see you or anyone right now."
A frown plastered itself on his lips at the words, the glare directed at him felt even more unpleasant when he's seen how softly Nakamura could smile. Can anyone blame him when foreign feelings bubbled up his chest at the sight of Nakamura's glare and obvious frustration? What did he want to gain from this interaction? Why had he stopped to go over to the boy who was clearly going through heartbreak, like he was? What did he hope to achieve from all of this?
Instead of regulating his thoughts like how he usually did, his mouth ran its course before he could even process them, "This is about Hirose isn't it?". Unconsciously moving closer towards Nakamura.
Instantly Nakamura's glare hardened and he looked up at Matsumura with barely contained frustration, "Shut up! What do you know about me?! You don't know anything! I'm happy for him."
"Seriously? You're happy? Who are you trying to fool?" Matsumura says with a clipped tone, looking down at the person that he doesn't know how to handle and reaches out to grasp Nakamura's hand, to take out the rock he's squeezing so hard against his palm.
"And stop that, you'll hurt yourself." Nakamura immediately bat his hand back and away from Matsumura's grasp, gritting his teeth, breathing growing a little haggard. Matsumura didn't want to further agitate Nakamura, or let him sink deeper and deeper into this pit of misery by his own hands.
"Nakamura, come on. I'm just trying to talk to you. Just let that go and we can walk back toge-"
"No. You don't get it at all. Just let me be." Nakamura cut him off as he backed away from Matsumura, hand still clenching hard around the rock in his palm, eyes squeezed shut, black hair obscuring his face.
Perhaps this tight feeling in Matsumura's chest is worry, looking at Nakamura now, he doesn't feel a single ounce of disdain for him like he used to when they first met. In fact, there might be something else other than the worry, but it felt so foreign he couldn't begin to grasp it, couldn't comprehend what the feeling was before he approached Nakamura again and said, "Just let it go, Nakamura. You and me both know what this is about. Stop wallowing in misery like this when Hirose's already decided on who he chose. Are you going to keep being like this forever?"
The second Nakamura lifted his face up, Matsumura could feel his entire heart drop. His eyes that were red rimmed was swollen too, big fat tears rolled down his cheeks, breathing so clipped it sounded like it hurt.
Nakamura doesn't know why, maybe it was the fact that Matsumura was right, maybe it was because it didn't hurt any less, or maybe it felt a little like he'd never get a chance to be happy with someone by his side, that his chest felt so tight and his throat burned with the urge to cry, making a heavy sob punch it's way out of his lips without his permission. It feels like defeat, it didn't feel like happiness, not like how he was supposed to feel when Hirose was clearly happy. He's supposed to feel happy isn't he?
So why did it hurt so much? He couldn't stop being selfish for once and be happy for the one person that tolerated his stupid crush for so long. All he felt is defeat, like a loss he couldn't fix and a pair of arms that wouldn't wrap around him when he wanted them to. It feels so shameful, he couldn't be happy, he couldn't stop himself from being pathetic, what is he going to do?
"You t-think it's s-so funny, don't you?" Nakamura heaved out through heavy sobs, "all i had was this stupid c-crush. I t-thought that i'd finally find someone who'd like me back for who i am. All i had for so long were these s-stupid feelings, i truly loved Hirose." his words turned even more jumbled up, his chest hurt from how hard he was sobbing and he couldn't stop himself from being pathetic.
"I'm such a dumb l-loser, i'll never find anyone who'd tolerate my shitty feelings like he did. You might be able to move on and find someone else, but i don't have your face, your charm or your wit. All i am...is me... I'll never...i'll never..." All Nakamura is was himself, what did he have going on about himself anyway? Other than the fact he was too quiet, negative and obsessed with unimportant, uninteresting things. A loser with few friends and too many repressed emotions, no wonder he was bullied when he was a kid. All he was is himself and it'll never be enough. Matsumura was only saying the truth and yet he couldn't accept reality and be a good person by being happy. He's selfish for feeling this hurt and unable to stop feeling so heartbroken. When he had no right, when he didn't deserve to.
He'll never have someone stay by his side when he's this hard to love. When he's this selfish.
Nakamura had turned away and ran in a sprint, breathing heavily through cries, leaving Matsumura on the bridge.
Matsumura froze in place, he felt sick to his stomach. He felt crushed with each sob and word that came out of Nakamura's lips. He made Nakamura cry, he was the shittiest person in the world.
Standing there as Nakamura ran away, Matsumura felt like he deserved to be punched in the face hard before he himself took off in a sprint, chasing after Nakamura.