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Hey is there a polite way to explain that I actually didn't come out to become some sort of political gay icon? Like…I have never wanted to be An Example or whatever, I just happen to like sucking dick and playing hockey.
IR: моя любовь!!!!!!!!
KG: Oh my fucking god Shane Hollander I love you so fucking much.
FS: Shane, you are a gay icon in every sense of the way, and not *just* because you are a bitchy little shit. You are a gay icon because you do not mean to be, you're just fucking exceptional at what you do. Which, if your husband's drunken rambling the last time y'all were in Toronto is to believed, includes sucking dick like a fuckin champ.
IR: My husband is the best at every single thing he does. I have told you this.
IR: Also, I have been telling people for over a decade that Shane Hollander is an asshole and nobody believe me. 😢
KS: No but seriously, the greatest part of all of this Queer Ass Hockey (sorry babe, I love you) is finding out that the most PR Trained face in all of hockey is actually so fucking cunty.
EB: Honestly, it's been pretty great for me, too. I get it.
EB: But also, Hollzy, I hear you, and that fucking sucks, man
I swear to god. What is it about me that makes people think I have a statement to say about everything? I am legitimately notorious for refusing to speak to the press about literally anything other than hockey. I was so far in the closet I was afraid to THINK the word “gay,” I've been out for a less than a full fiscal year while playing on a brand new hockey team and playing some of the best hockey of my fucking life, when the entire god damn fuck would I have had the time to become a queer political activist????????
SH: Oh, no, I totally understand that. I came out and suddenly I'm now being asked what I think about the queer political landscape in the US.
SH: I am a hockey player who never went to college, what do you mean? I don't know? Ask my fiance, maybe? He probably knows, he's the one who is actually fucking educated.
TB: I did do some reading and listened to some podcasts to get a general idea, but in fairness, I was also trying to rehab my whole entire public image, so it was kind of a different situation…
IR: I get asked about Russian politics all the time. I am not in Russia. Russia has publicly disowned me. What do you think I think about Russian politics? Leave me TF alone. I am trying to play hockey and be hot.
HD: Unfortunately, I do think there are some avenues that are always going to demand that you become some kind of Queer Political Figure. You can't just Be Gay, because being queer is, unfortunately, political, and you are public figures.
FS: Identity is, regrettably, political. Ryan is sitting here next to me, but his phone is off and he's refusing to turn it on. He said to tell you “Just go entirely offline and fade into obscurity, it's worked great for me.”
HD: Yuna Hollander would raze the earth if her son OR her son-in-law tried to “go offline.” She dragged Shane onto Instagram kicking and fucking screaming.
God I wish I could go entirely offline. I just wanna play hockey and love my husband without everyone insisting I must know and speak about everything.
IR: My poor anxious husband just wants to be left alone to play hockey and sleep on top of me.
Ilya…
IR: I meant sleeping! Actually sleeping!
IR: [A blurry selfie of Ilya, hair mussed up, early morning light shining across Shane’s bare back where he is clearly asleep draped across Ilya's torso]
Oh my fucking god
KS: 👀👀 I am looking very respectfully
FS: I am also looking very respectfully
TB: no fucking comment
SH: Yoooo, Hollzy, drop the back workout routine
Oh! Yeah, I'll DM it
KG: Shane, I'm sending you a fruit basket. My husband's back is already a work of art. You have made me a very, very happy man.
IR: ANYWAY.
TB: Oh, shut up, Rozy. You can't talk about how hot your husband is and then be mad when people agree with you.
EB: Lol Baldwin told me to tell you he suggests retirement.
IR: Shane Hollander will never retire. Tell Baldwin and Lundin to get in the gc or shush.
LH: Nobody asks me political questions…
AS: Sweetheart, no one asks you political questions because a) you refuse to speak on camera, b) you are swiss, and c) everyone thinks you are like 12. I mean. I know you aren't. But people think you are.
KS: lmaooooo I love that they both just pop up out of nowhere at the exact same time Archibald Simmons I know what you are
AS: Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Swift, an angel flew in from Ottawa to see me and you expect me to be glued to my phone instead of treasuring and adoring the Adonis in my apartment?
TB: I just KNOW that Haasy’s face is the color of a fucking strawberry right now reading that.
KG: Is it a legal requirement for bisexual tops to be just relentless menaces? Or this is just something that Archie and Ilya do for fun?
IR: 😈😈😈
Please do not encourage him
SH: Rook, I don't think it's *us* encouraging him
EB: Yeah, no, it's definitely not the fact that he knows you like it. Definitely not that at ALL.
KS: …I do appreciate that you clarified Bisexual Tops
KG: Bb, Eric is neither a menace nor a top, I am not fucking new
AS: hot
Jesus fucking christ. Sorry. I just got ANOTHER email. Can we circle back to how I get these magazines to stop pestering me for interviews about things I am woefully under-educated about? I don't mind like…I guess I'd like to learn more, you know? I'm not trying to avoid being a part of the queer community, obviously. But like. Is there someone I can direct them to who knows what the fuck they're talking about when they get political?
HD: Okay, okay. Yeah. Actually, this is important. We can help.
HD: But please, for the sake of me and your poor dear mother, do not start cussing out people during media appearances.
Can I cuss out the paps?
HD: I don't give a rat’s ass about paparazzi.
SH: No one gives a shit about the paparazzi.
KG: Bottom feeding scum
AS: I regularly just shove microphones out of my face and keep walking
IR: Мой мегафон please start cussing out the paparazzi 😍😍😍
Did you just call me a megaphone???
TB: Oh for fuck’s sake. Harris is prepping some talking points for you to redirect the actual press with, he's gonna connect with Yuna. He said whenever you're ready, we can talk about Queer Cultural History. If you want. No obligation.
KG: No, seriously. There is no obligation. But if you want to learn stuff, let us know!! The HABs can help. The hockey players are…
IR: Excuse you, Mr. Grady 😑
KG: It's Mr. Grady-Hunter, actually, and you are politely excused, for the most part.
KS: Somehow, some way, the Russian club rat is the least repressed queer athlete in this chat
LH: Hey!
SH: You are a child, Haas. You are my rookie's rookie. I cannot allow you to be counted for this. I am sorry.
LH: That makes sense. The Captains were sleeping together before marriage was legal in the United States. I was…13? I think?
EB: Jesus fucking CHRIST I'm old
FS: Point of order…
FS: Ryan is not repressed. He has a clinical anxiety disorder. And furthermore, he was actually never closeted, hockey players just ASSUME shit.
FS: And it is not his fault they spent his entire career treating him like a brick wall and refusing to speak to him about his personal life.
KS: Yeah actually no that's my bad. Sorry Ilya, Ryan wins this round, he never pretended to be straight.
Technically speaking, Ilya never pretended to be straight either. He just had plausible deniability and no one on the planet was going to guess that he was anything but heterosexual while he was fucking his way through the women of every major metropolitan area in North America. Not his fault everyone assumed he was a slut in only one direction.
KS: I genuinely can't tell if you're being petty and jealous, or like, fine with this?
😏😏😏
Let's just say, someone gets to spend the rest of their life benefitting from Ilya Rozanov's very practical sexual education, and it is absolutely not the women of North America.
TB: Goddammit. One day. I wanna go one fucking day.
KG: …fuck that's kinda hot actually. Sorry babe.
SH: 🤦
IR: I have never once claimed to be heterosexual. I never *corrected* anyone, because I did not want to die in Russian political prison, but I would never claim to be straight. Disgusting.
IR: I did, however, expressly claim to be a slut. Now, however, I am slut for just one man.
KG: …that's kind of sweet
IR: One very sexy, very hot, very flexible man
KG: Goddammit. You give the man an inch…
Ilya, don't
IR: Boring
Troy, tell Harris to let me know when he's got the PR talking points done and I'll schedule with him
What uh. What is Queer Cultural History?
KG: 🤩🤩🤩
KS: 🤩🤩🤩
FS: 🤩🤩🤩
AS: 🤩🤩🤩
Oh fuck
KG: Okay, do you want to start with literature, film, or music
IR: You think my Shane wants to start with MUSIC?
KS: Yeah that's on you, Kipper. No way that boy wants to start with music.
I mean, if you send a playlist, I'll listen to it…
FS: I can make some playlists, no problem. I have a couple already.
KS: We'll do a queer dance party at the bar next time the Centaurs are in town. The music isn't the BIGGEST deal, so. Make with the book recommendations, Grady.
KG: Fiction or nonfiction?
TB: Have you, by chance, ever MET Shane Hollander?
KG: I'M EXCITED I FORGOT
I CAN read fiction books. I just…don't
AS: You should read Song of Achilles. It'll make you cry.
IR: You are trying to make my husband cry???
AS: You should read it, too, actually. Both of you.
I'll find the e-book
KG: Honestly, give Kramer's books The Normal Heart and Faggot a read, if you want to be emotionally wrecked by 80s era queer tragedy. And Roz, you should read The Berlin Papers, I think you'll find it interesting. It's not necessarily queer, but it's adjacent.
KS: …don't make Shane read Kramer's books. We want him to LIKE being gay. Ffs.
FS: What even are these deep cuts??????
EB: I liked The Normal Heart
KS: Of course you did, sweetie.
KG: Okay! A non-fiction list.
KG: Long Term: Essays on Queer Commitment - it's not like, great, but it's worth the read and goes quick. David Bowie Made Me Gay is a really great read on the history of queer music. A Queer History of the United States is maybe not super relevant for you, but it's worth the read. We Are Everywhere: Protest, Power, and Pride in the History of Queer Liberation - an absolute MUST read. The Gay Revolution: The Story of the Struggle is really beautiful and wonderful and I'd give it a read. And, because we drink Respect Women juice in this chat, read A Short History of Queer Women. In a Queer Country is specifically about Canada, I read it after y'all got outed…
FS: Under the Rainbow: A Primer on Queer Issues in Canada might be good if you do wanna seem more politically aware. It's a touch old, but…
IR: Please know that my husband is purchasing all of these on the e-reader now, you are creating a monster, I will never get my husband back from the war.
Please know that my husband is logged into my e-reader account on his tablet and will be reading all of these at the exact same time as I am. Do not let him fool you.
TB: I have not been fooled by Ilya Rozanov in an entire fiscal year, thank you very much
KS: Yeah, he's not fooling anyone.
KG: Oh!! Someone recommended Queer in Russia: A Story of Sex, Self, and the Other. It's older, I think it was published in the 90s. But like, there's not a whole lot being published out of Russia about that particular topic rn… Gay Propaganda: Russian Love Stories came out right before the 2014 Olympics, if you REALLY wanna make yourself super sad…I think there's some people coming out with some interesting stuff about being queer and Russian online, but…
I closely monitor Ilya's viewing of uh…queer Russian internet content. Because I like my husband not to fall into a despair spiral. He monitors my access to my internet mentions, for the same reasons.
HD: The fact that the two of you are so deeply codependent and yet somehow so insanely healthy really just…it boggles the mind. It does.
IR: Oh, I'm sorry for wanting to protect my beautiful husband from all the idiots who hate him for no reason other than he is better than they are and he is too attractive for them to be able to think properly.
SH: Shut the hell up, Roz
Also…I don't think either of us is really stoked to revisit the Sochi Olympics…
EB: I mean, I know Scotty beat you to gold, but silver ain't nothing to sneeze at, Hollzy
IR: He is not talking about the actual Olympics, Benny
EB: …?
Picture it: Sochi, 2014. Your first Olympic games. You're so excited to be here! You're so fucking nervous to be here!!
IR: Your entire country, which loves nothing more than to hate you, has put its entire national pride on your shoulders! Your father is developing dementia! Your brother is developing a cocaine habit!!
There's this guy, and you really, REALLY like him, but he's been oddly distant (which is saying something because Fort Knox has nothing on early 2010s Ilya Rozanov for secrecy Jesus tap dancing Christ) since the last time you hooked up and unfortunately, he is HERE, in RUSSIA, and the OLYMPICS, and you just had to watch his team crumble around him, and then watch the entire press circuit blame HIM for the SHIT TEAM Russia put together.
IR: And this beautiful, sweet, freckled Canadian boy is texting you to check in because your team just got beat by fucking LATVIA because Russia chooses Olympians based on political connection, willingness to take performance enhancing drugs, or international fame. But you cannot text him back because if you do you will be in RUSSIA at your DEAD MOTHER'S HOUSE where your FATHER FUCKING HATES YOU, crying over A MAN YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO HAVE FEELINGS FOR.
And then Carter fucking Vaughn of all good god damn people tells you how fucking DANGEROUS Russia is for PEOPLE LIKE YOU and also PEOPLE LIKE THE MAN YOU DEFINITELY ARE PRETENDING YOU FEEL VERY NORMALLY ABOUT. So you try to subtly reach out. You try to talk to him.
IR: But you’re angry, you were always very angry in these days. You’re especially angry now because you are also very scared little boy in his father's shadow so you are unquestionably mean to a very polite Canadian boy who is just being nice.
And you kind of know he's not actually upset at you but there's this thing about poking bears and how it always goes really fucking badly but you're stubborn as SHIT so you poke anyway and wouldn't you know, it goes really fucking badly
IR: And then you refuse to speak to this beautiful man for ages and ages
And then you try not to cry on your best friend's couch when that guy you feel super normally about wins the Stanley, because you're so proud and you miss him so much but who the FUCK are you gonna tell that to? The room full of hockey players that hate him? Sure!
IR: And then you see him again at NHL awards and you're still so mean and so angry and so scared and you keep telling yourself this is the last fucking time and you don't let yourself kiss him because if you do you're pretty sure you won't fucking stop
And you spend the summer feeling dejected and confused with no one to talk about it to…
IR: And maybe, if you can picture that scene in your heads, you will understand…
Probably we won't read any books related to the 2014 Sochi Olympics, if that's okay…
KG: May I be the first to say…holy fucking SHIT.
FS: Are you…okay?
I mean, now, yeah. Now we're good.
IR: Yes, we have therapists and medication and freedom and we love each other. Now is amazing.
But fuck that shit sucked so fucking much.
SH: …I remember Carter saying that. About your buddy, right? That you trained with? The figure skater. That he might be gay and that was super brave because of how horrible Russia was to “people like that.”
Yeah, I felt even worse because I was so wrapped up in hockey and my own dumb bullshit that I had genuinely no idea. And then I was like “Oh my god I cannot imagine what Rozanov is going through right now.”
IR: And Rozanov refused to talk to anyone about what he was going through right then, so. Was messy situation.
KG: Wait you were there for the Russia Is Bad For Gays convo?
SH: Yeah, I had kinda forgotten about that. I was still in the closet and I had no idea how to have that fucking conversation with anyone and Carter is…exactly who the fuck he is, so supportive and matter of fact. I don't think I said anything at all.
Neither of us did. We just sort of hummed awkwardly.
EB: Someone needs to give Carter Vaughn a fucking award. That man was out here explaining queer politics to two of the most closeted queer hockey players on the planet, giving people existential crises at the gd Olympics, and just being the world's most golden retriever human the entire time, I'm SURE.
SH: God, yeah, he was so fucking CHILL about it
HD: Wait, wait. Hold on
HD: No, I mean, Carter Vaughn and Wyatt Hayes for Allies of the Year, yeah
HD: But I have two questions:
HD: 1. You've been together since at LEAST 2014????
HD: 2. ALL OF THAT and you still just ...played hockey????????
AS: Yeah actually no that's where I'm at, too. How LONG have y'all been…doing whatever the fuck? And also, you didn't just…collapse? Under the weight of constant pressure??? You didn't just have a full blown menty b? A total crash out???
LH: I'm pretty sure I would have ended up in a coma from the stress.
FS: I'm developing an ulcer reading this. I think Ryan is having sympathy anxiety. Holy shit.
I mean…we both got a lot of mileage out of some wildly unhealthy coping skills.
IR: Yes, I chain smoked and fucked my way through half of Boston and drank too much and got more penalty minutes in the later part of that season than I had all season. I also did this in Russia. Drinking and smoking and fucking. While taking care of my dying father.
TB: Fuck, man.
KS: I cannot imagine the agony and horror of this situation. Like. I've been in shitty situations. This takes the fucking cake for shitty situations.
KS: But I also cannot imagine Shane Hollander with an unhealthy coping mechanism?
IR: HA!
Kyle, my entire hockey career has been unhealthy coping mechanisms. People thought I was a hockey robot because the pressure of…everything, I guess, turned me into a robot. I ate, breathed, and slept hockey. Hayden had to BEG me to come hang out with him and the kids. He's my BEST FRIEND. I barely ate enough to keep playing hockey. I turned myself into a fucking hockey machine.
KS: Oh fuck…
SH: Rook…
🤷 It wasn't healthy. But I was managing so much. So much fucking pressure. And the only real outlet I had was Ilya. Which made things better AND fucking so much worse.
Once I had him. Like for real. After Scott and Kip kissed on the ice and we came out to my parents. I was so fucking hellbent on keeping the only thing that made me feel normal and sane that I nearly fucking ruined it because I was trying so hard to control and manage every possible fucking outcome.
IR: моя любовь we have discussed this that was not entirely your fault, I am at fault, too, I could have communicated and very purposefully did not.
I know, I know. I'm just explaining that my “unhealthy coping mechanism” is to try to control fucking EVERYTHING.
But now…I mean, what did all that control get me? The team I thought I'd retire with dropped me like a bad habit, the commissioner hates me, Ilya and I can't frown without being accused of getting a divorce, the internet can't decide if it hates me, loves me, or wants to fuck me
Having the control ripped away got me the chance to love my husband out loud, got me playing hockey for my hometown team, I'm having a good fucking time. I'm a better friend, a better partner, a better son, a better hockey player.
HD: Shane, I really wanna hug you right now.
IR: I will do it for you. I will give him a hundred million hugs and I will sit in his lap like a very happy husband.
HD: Troy is doing this weird pacing thing he does sometimes, but he loves you both and he's very proud. Also maybe a little guilty but we're working on that.
KG: God I wanna wrap you both in bubble wrap and tell everyone to fuck off and leave you alone. Scott is crying right now.
SH: I'm just really fucking proud of both of you.
KS: Like holy FUCK proud. I'm in awe. I'm amazed. I'm without words.
EB: As someone with some pretty intense control issues…I’m glad you’re finding your way out of that. It’s hard, but fuck it’s worth it.
AS: Luca is also crying but he'd like me to tell you that he's very, very grateful to you both for everything you do and for how much work all of you have done to make the league better for queer players because he cannot imagine he'd have made it through what you all went through.
TB: I'm…so fucking sorry I ever acted the way I did. I know I've said it before and I'm doing the work and all of that. But like. Fuck man. Y'all were dealing with so much shit and still didn't…I don't know. I don't wanna make this about me. But I'm really grateful for your friendship and your patience. I'm really glad y'all made it through. I'm really glad we met.
IR: I am also glad we are friends, Troy.
Me too. I'm really grateful for all of you.
&&
@shanehollander24
[Photo of Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov slow dancing on their wedding day. Photo of Shane and Hayden Pike at the aquarium - Shane is holding Arthur Pike in his lap, facing away from the camera and pointing up to the sharks floating above them, Hayden is lifting a twin in each arm so they can try to reach for the ceiling. Photo of Shane, Ilya, JJ, Hayden, and Cliff Marlow from the back, playing Mario Kart - Shane is winning. Photo of Shane, Rose, Ilya, and Svetlana with matching Korean face masks on, laying on the deck of the cottage in needlessly fancy bathrobes. Photo of Baby Shane, being held by an elderly Japanese woman, who is sitting next to an elderly Japanese man. Photo of 5 year old Shane in the stands at a hockey rink, in a too-big Ottawa Centaurs jersey falling around his knees, bright red over-ear sound cancelling headphones over his ears, flanked by Yuna and David Hollander - his face is bright and excited, hands raised to his chest.]
Caption: I spent so many years hiding myself, trying to control everything I could grasp onto. Hiding behind a mask of Perfect Hockey Player, Perfect Canadian Man. There were so many pieces of me that I knew people hated, or didn't understand.
I'm half Japanese. My mother is Japanese, her parents immigrated to Canada when she was very young. I am proud of being Japanese-Canadian. I know that there are people who think that an Asian man should not be playing hockey. There are ways in which my standings in hockey ratings have been used as proof that organizations could not possibly have a racism problem because they LOVED Shane Hollander. I learned very young that if I spoke, I spoke for every Asian kid playing hockey or wanting to play hockey. Exhausting. But I wanted to keep playing hockey, so I hid the exhaustion and I powered through.
A few months ago, I shared something I assumed everyone already knew, based on the way they talked about me: I'm autistic. Obviously, my special interest is hockey, and I'm amazing at it, so this worked out in my favor. But it also meant that I was constantly talked about and to in a way that was demeaning, disrespectful, and often antagonistic, simply because I am different. Every taunt of Hockey Robot Hollander, every snide remark about my expression or the way I spoke in interviews, every cut about how I'm such a wet blanket for not going out. I'm not unaware, and they hurt. People I counted as friends who refused to even try to accommodate were, apparently, the cost of playing hockey, so I hid the hurt and powered through.
In amongst all that powering through, I met the most amazing man. He is kind and generous and funny and talented and brilliant and a bit of a fucking asshole and I love him so much that loving him feels like breathing. But here, of course was one…or two…or maybe three more things that I had to deal with people hating. I'm gay. He's a loud, obnoxious, unapologetic man. And he's my league-assigned Enemy On Ice. Suddenly, the man I love was being crushed under the weight of the pressure I was trying to hold up, and even more suddenly, our chance to control the narrative was taken away from us. But I got to keep Ilya. And, miraculously, hockey.
I never set out to be an example. A role model. An icon. Whatever. I set out to love my family and friends, play really good fucking hockey, and fall in love without thinking twice. But because people know my name, because they get to ask me questions with a microphone in my face, because they see me across the internet and not in their real lives, they get to dissect. They get to assign me roles and opinions and tasks I never intended to take on or impart or enact. It's kind of wild, honestly. I'm a hockey player. I'm a fucking jock. I never went to college, and I only did well in school because my mom told me I had to or she wouldn't let me play hockey. I'm not an ambassador to anything, and I never intended to be. If you have questions about hockey, I'd love to answer them. I'd genuinely love nothing more. If you want to ask me kind and genuine questions about loving Ilya Rozanov, god I would LOVE to talk about that. If you want to share bad funny autism memes, bring it on. I think they're hilarious.
If you're looking to make me into something I am not to fill your weird quota, please do not. If you want to accuse me of being bad at being gay because I don't have a full thesis on the history of homophobia in professional sports, I'd like to direct you to the dozens of highly trained professional academics who would LOVE to talk to you about that work - I am not one of them. Or because I don't know the whole rolodex of 2010s iconic queer movies and music, or whatever, my apologies, I spent the 2010s so far in the closet I was eating Turkish Delight with the gd white witch.
Please just let me be gay, autistic, and half-Japanese in peace. Talk to me about hockey, instead. It'll go way better for all of us!
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