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The world might end.
The world might end and Kaveh just has to be okay with that.
He’s doing everything he can, but he still feels like it’s not enough. His usually steady hands won’t stop shaking as he tinkers with the new Akasha terminals. The tall, foreboding walls of the Temple of Silence make it feel like the gods themselves are putting all of their pressure onto him alone to not screw up. He prays no one notices the way he shakes, but he feels Faruzan’s eyes on him as he works. Graciously to him, she says nothing.
Kaveh feels a tap on his shoulder. He already knows who it is, his soft, familiar scent getting closer.
“Kaveh?”
“Yeah?” Kaveh says, turning around. Alhaitham stands behind him, a slight crease of worry in his eyes. It’s strange, to see Alhaitham visibly worried.
“I’m headed up to the top of the temple,” Alhaitham states. His face smooths out like he was never even concerned. “I’d like to get some fresh air.”
“Oh, okay,” Kaveh says dumbly. “Sounds smart, taking a bit of a rest. I’ve still got to wrap up with these terminals, though, so—”
“I’m asking you to come with me,” Alhaitham clarifies. “Madam Faruzan says she can handle the rest. There’s only a few left, and she’s been observing how you do it. I trust her to do a fine job, and I’m sure you do too.”
“Oh,” Kaveh says again. He looks around at his work. Faruzan appears beside him, playfully taking the tools out of his hands.
“Go take a break, Kaveh. I’ll get these finished up in no time,” Faruzan smiles.
Kaveh sighs. “Yeah, some fresh air does sound nice,” he concedes. “Alright, I’ll follow you up.”
~~~~~
Kaveh takes a deep breath as he stands at the edge of the temple, the dizzying height stopping him from sitting down and dangling his legs over the side in order to let his sore feet take a rest.
Alhaitham stands with his arms crossed, looking towards Sumeru City. Kaveh can see the way the towering branches of the Irminsul tree blanket swaths of land, surely casting a shadow over the Palace of Alcazarzaray. It's strange, looking over the country he knows so well with a whole new landmark; a view he’s so familiar with having a sight he’s never seen before.
Kaveh realizes that if he loses Alcazarzaray in this mess, he wouldn’t really mind all that much. He’d be upset, sure, but it wouldn’t be the first time he’s lost it. And it’s far from the worst thing he could lose.
He shifts his weight awkwardly, glancing towards Alhaitham.
Alhaitham clears his throat. “Do you need something?”
“Ah, no.” Kaveh mumbles. “It’s just— scary, all of this, you know? If our plan doesn’t work, we could lose everything.”
Alhaitham just shrugs. “It’s out of my control at this point. It’s not worth worrying about.”
“You’re really worried about nothing?” Kaveh asks incredulously. “We could die, Alhaitham. I feel like just the potential of that is worth a bit of anxiety, you know? Even if my actions don’t have any consequence anymore, it doesn’t ease my fears about everything.”
Alhaitham shrugs again, but it’s with a few seconds of hesitance. “Death wouldn’t be ideal, yes. But as I said, it’s not something I have any control in anymore. I trust in our friends to try their hardest to not let things come to that, but if it does, so be it.”
“You seem so at peace with things,” Kaveh chuckles. He shifts away from Alhaitham slightly. “I just… I don’t like the idea of dying with things I still want to do, with things that are left unresolved,” he swallows. “I still have places I want to visit, scenery I want to paint. I have people I want to catch up with, things that I want to say, but— it’s too late now, to do any of that.”
“Then that’s your fault for living a life of regrets,” Alhaitham states bluntly. “You have no one to blame but yourself for having unfinished business.”
Kaveh sighs dejectedly. “I know, I know. But that doesn’t make me feel any better about it. I just— I thought I had more time, you know?”
Alhaitham nods gently. “We all thought we had more time. I have unfinished business, too. But as with everything else, nothing can be done about it now.” Alhaitham shifts. “If we make it out of here, maybe I’ll finish up some things a little more swiftly.”
Kaveh huffs out a humorless laugh. “Yeah, me too.”
Kaveh stares out into the desert, and beyond that, the rainforest. Both are his home, in a way. He’s lived and worked in several places over the years that have led him to the furthest reaches of Sumeru, at times even beyond. It’s painful to wrap his mind around the fact that it could all be over, just like that. Everything he’s worked for, all of his achievements, gone.
But he knows deep, deep down that it wouldn’t be the worst thing to lose.
Kaveh knows he should tell Alhaitham. If they don’t make it out of this situation alive, Kaveh knows his last dying thought would be that he wished he told him. It aches, deep and painful, his feelings having settled so deep in his bones over the years that it’s almost comfortingly familiar at this point. Kaveh starts to spiral, psyching himself up just to say something. To just spit it out, once and for all.
If Alhaitham kicks him out of the house, he’ll be okay, he thinks. He’s much better at handling money than he used to be. He could find a cheap place, on the outskirts of town, maybe. Or he could even relocate here to the desert, maybe live in Caravan Ribat and focus on projects out there. Though Kaveh loves his life in the city, being conveniently just below the Akademiya and nearby all of his client meeting spaces, he knows he would be okay even if he was forced to move.
It wouldn’t be ideal, but it would be doable. He’s gotten so used to his comfortable life with Alhaitham that maybe it would even be a good reality check for him. Never settle in too much, never take more than what you’re given. You’ll never know when the rug will get pulled from under you, when you’re left to pull yourself back together.
He bites his lip.
Kaveh shakes the anxiety out of his hands before taking a breath.
“Alhaitham,” Kaveh starts. His voice quivers, and he knows Alhaitham immediately picks up on it.
“Hm?” Alhaitham turns to him gently, no malice in his eyes. He says nothing, waiting for Kaveh to continue.
Kaveh clears his throat. “There are some things I know I would regret not doing if we don’t make it out of here,” he says. “Some of those things I can’t do anything about now. But, ah— if you’re here right now, there are some things I’d like to tell you, if you wouldn’t mind hearing me out..?”
Alhaitham nods. “My ears are open.”
“I, um—” Kaveh starts. It’s now that he realizes he actually has to say what he wants to say. He fidgets with his hands awkwardly, heart beginning to race as he feels his breath picking up. “Sorry, this is harder than I thought it would be,” he chuckles nervously.
And Kaveh finally gathers the courage to look into Alhaitham’s eyes, and what he doesn’t expect is the way that Alhaitham is looking back. He almost looks anxious, wistful, like he wants to crawl into the depths of Kaveh’s mind and tear out the words himself, too impatient to wait for Kaveh to say them.
Kaveh almost feels like it would be easier that way.
“I—” Kaveh starts, “You—”
Before Kaveh can finish, though, a shrill voice calls out in the distance.
“Kaveh!”
Paimon and the Traveler.
Kaveh eases the tension in his body, pivoting to face his guests. The Traveler walks up with a friendly wave, Paimon floating towards their direction.
“You guys taking a break up here?” Paimon squeaks. “Hope we’re not interrupting anything!”
They were.
“You’re not,” Kaveh coughs. “Alhaitham and I were just, ah— getting some fresh air. Trying to calm down during all of this chaos, you know?”
“You’re the only one who needs to calm down,” Alhaitham comments, crossing his arms. “I’m doing just fine, personally.”
“You—!”
Paimon giggles. “Don’t stress it, Kaveh! Everyone’s got things under control. You guys came up with a great plan!”
Kaveh chuckles. “Thanks. Here’s just hoping it actually works.”
“You have such little faith in us, Kaveh?” the Traveler teases. “I think everyone will do just fine.”
“Yeah, you’re right,” Kaveh sighs. “I’m just a little too worried about things, it seems. At least compared to this guy,” he jabs, aiming an elbow towards Alhaitham.
Paimon laughs again. “Well, we just wanted to check in! Take some deep breaths, Kaveh, it’ll all work out!”
Kaveh waves them off. “I will, thank you,” he chuckles.
And he and Alhaitham are alone again.
It’s a comfortable silence, for a bit. Until he hears Alhaitham clear his throat beside him.
“So,” Alhaitham says, turning to Kaveh. “You never finished what you were saying.”
Kaveh bites his lip, shaking his head. “It was stupid. You can just… forget about it.”
“It clearly wasn’t stupid to you,” Alhaitham points out. “Wanting to tell me something before the world ends? That doesn’t seem like an insignificant declaration.”
Kaveh sighs. “You caught me, I guess. It’s just that…” He takes a breath. “If the world doesn’t end, and we all live and go back to normal… I think I would regret telling you.”
“That seems conflicting, no? You would regret not telling me if we died, but would regret it if we lived?”
“Yes,” Kaveh affirms.
“If you told me,” Alhaitham coaxes, “What’s the worst possible scenario of my reaction?”
Kaveh swallows. “You would kick me out of your house. And not want to speak with me again.”
He’s not sure which one is worse. He doesn’t want to think about the possibility of either too deeply.
“Okay,” Alhaitham says slowly. “That sounds like a pretty extreme reaction for me. Not much would make me want to do all of that, Kaveh. I can’t think of many things you could tell me that would make me cut you out of my life like that.”
“You did it once,” Kaveh says quietly. “I wouldn’t put it past you to do it again.”
Alhaitham freezes almost imperceptibly before responding. “We both cut each other out of our lives, back then. It was a stupid decision, one that I’m wise enough now to not repeat.”
Kaveh swallows, “And you told me that my idealism was a way for me to escape from reality. You know just as well as I do what happened to me when I made stupid, idealistic decisions. It nearly cost me everything, Alhaitham, if you hadn’t found me and picked up the pieces of what I had left of myself. I’m also wise enough to know that that evaluation extends to this, as well.”
Alhaitham takes a breath, letting Kaveh’s words hang in the air. “Even so,” he starts, “I find it hard to believe that anything you could tell me now would have as bad as a result as what happened before you moved in with me. I might have a negative reaction, yes, but you can take my word that I won’t react in the way that you seem to believe I would. You’re plenty volatile for the both of us.”
Glossing over the tease, Kaveh bites his lip. “Maybe you won’t kick me out, or cut me off, or whatever it may be,” Kaveh says. “But I don’t think I would be able to live with you being upset with me. Both regarding living with you, but even outside of that.”
“Kaveh,” Alhaitham sighs. “I don’t know what big, dangerous secret you have, but talking around it won’t get either of us anywhere. I’ve already assured you that I won’t do anything rash in response to it. I can’t guarantee my feelings on it, but if it eases you, I’m fairly open to consider anything given the serious situation we’re in.”
Kaveh turns fully to face Alhaitham.
“Okay.”
He takes a breath.
“I— I guess I’ll start with… thanking you,” Kaveh stutters. He ignores Alhaitham curious eyebrow raise and continues on. “I’m immensely indebted to you for letting me live in your house for so many years. It’s not lost on me that you’ve given up a lot of your space and time for me, and I—”
“Kaveh, we both know that the house is just as much yours as it is mine, at this point,” Alhaitham interjects. “You don’t have to thank m—”
“And,” Kaveh continues, holding up a slightly shaky hand. “I recognize the ways you’ve cared for me, beyond what a roommate would ever have to do. I know you like to exert as minimal effort as humanly necessary, so I’d be lying if I said I’m sometimes shocked by your actions.”
Alhaitham stays quiet this time, making no movements besides a small step closer to Kaveh.
“And you—” Kaveh nearly stutters from Alhaitham’s proximity. “You… You notice things. You don’t tell me that you do, but I still see it. You know the way I like my coffee. You know how to fix the blinds when the sun is in my eyes. You know I like to leave the office window open a crack. And you,” Kaveh swallows. “You do all of these things, and I wish I knew why.”
“Kaveh,” Alhaitham mutters. He’s so, so close to him. “I do these things because I—”
“Alhaitham, I care for you a lot,” Kaveh interrupts. He knows his voice is shaking now. “I know I don’t like to show it, but I do. And I wouldn’t want either of us dying without making that clear.”
Alhaitham says nothing again, so Kaveh continues.
“Sometimes, it gets to a point that I,” he swallows. “That I don’t know if I’d ever like to move out of your house. And I know I’ll have to, eventually, if we make it out of here, but that doesn’t stop me from selfishly wishing I could stay.”
“You can,” Alhaitham says immediately. His voice is low as he stands so painfully close, close enough that Kaveh can smell him, that comforting woodsy scent that both makes his stomach flip and his nerves ease. “You can stay. I never had any plans to ask you to leave.”
Kaveh blinks. “Really?”
Alhaitham nods.
“I,” Kaveh says. “Alhaitham, I—”
“Please tell me, Kaveh.” Alhaitham’s voice sounds almost rough with desperation, his eyes pleading as Kaveh can’t do anything but stare back into them. “You can tell me.”
“I love you, Alhaitham.” The words tumble out of his mouth before he can stop them. Kaveh’s eyes widen as he presses a hand over his mouth like that will drag the words back inside, his body tensing as he positions a leg behind him to step away.
That’s the same moment that Alhaitham pulls him in and embraces him, pressing every inch of his body against Kaveh’s. It’s his scent, his heartbeat, the way that Alhaitham turns to rest his head in the crook of his neck and the press of his hands against the skin of Kaveh’s back that he relaxes in his hold, mirroring Alhaitham’s motions and allowing himself a moment of calm.
“I’m sorry,” Kaveh mutters preemptively against Alhaitham. “I know this will ruin things. If you want to avoid seeing me in the house, I don’t mind staying in my room—”
“Kaveh,” Alhaitham breathes, pulling away just far enough to look into Kaveh’s eyes. “You don’t have to do any of that.”
“What?” Kaveh mutters. “But— won’t you be uncomfortable with me around? I—”
Kaveh feels a hand against his jaw moments before a pair of lips press against his own. A heat flares through Kaveh’s body the moment he realizes, both feverish and calming. A soft groan escapes Kaveh as Alhaitham leans into him, feeling Alhaitham’s hands run beneath the fabric of his shirt. The sensation of his fingers burns as they press against his back, pulling him in closer.
“Alhaitham—” Kaveh mumbles, looking into his eyes. “Do you really—?”
“Must I spell it out for you?” Alhaitham says against Kaveh’s lips.
“I’m just worried,” Kaveh chuckles, “that the Dendro Archon has played a cruel trick on me, and that I’ll wake up in a few moments.”
Alhaitham immediately leans in again, kissing Kaveh a second time to prove his point. Kaveh accidentally lets out a quiet yelp at the surprise before gripping his fingers into Alhaitham’s cloak, pulling Alhaitham in so close that Kaveh’s not sure he could get any closer.
Kaveh doesn’t want to ever let go.
Unluckily for him, Alhaitham breaks the kiss for a breath.
“Lesser Lord Kusanali would not mess with you like that,” he pants. “I can assure you that you are not currently in a dream.”
Kaveh laughs, wrapping his arms around Alhaitham’s torso before allowing his face to fall slightly. “So, I take it that you… don’t plan to kick me out of your house?”
Alhaitham’s done playing games. “The day I asked you to move in, I knew that there would never be an occasion I would ever ask that of you. I charged you rent because that was the only way I knew you would accept my offer.” He takes a steadying breath. “Every time you bring up the idea of moving out, I have to pretend like I wouldn’t care.”
“You cared?” Kaveh asks. “But… when the Interdarshan Championship happened, you even helped me pack up some of my things when I had planned to move out.”
“I did,” Alhaitham nods. “But that doesn’t mean I wanted to. I just had to accept that you were going to do what you wanted to do. If you wanted to move out, it would be incredibly selfish of me to try to make you stay.”
“I wanted to stay,” Kaveh whispered. “Every time, I wanted to stay. I only ever tried to move out because I though that’s what you wanted.”
Alhaitham huffs. “I know that. You’re so considerate of other people’s feelings that I knew you would stay with me if you caught wind of my own desires, and that you would completely disregard your own feelings. So I had to hide it as to not sway you.”
Kaveh blinks before chuckling. “We were both a bit silly, weren’t we, then?”
Alhaitham nods gently.
Kaveh grasps Alhaitham’s hand, painfully peeling himself away from him but not enough to separate fully. Alhaitham’s hands are softer than he’s expecting, with the exception of a slight writer’s callus. Kaveh runs his thumb over his hand adoringly.
“I didn’t want to die without you knowing that I loved you,” Kaveh says, looking back out into the desert, at Iriminsul looming over their city. “I could bear to lose everything else, but not that.”
“I knew you loved me,” Alhaitham reveals. “I didn’t think you would ever say it, but I wasn’t a fool. You wear your heart on your sleeve, senior.”
Kaveh tsked. “At least I was the one who had the courage to actually say anything about it.”
“You’re correct. This is a rare case of you having more courage than me, for once.”
“Oh, come on!” Kaveh huffs. “You know I have plenty of courage. Not everything has to be a competition!”
Alhaitham chuckles gently. Kaveh feels him give his hand a soft squeeze, and his stomach does a little flip. He’s going to have to get used to this, if they make it.
“I thought about telling you,” Alhaitham admits. “It’s something that I would have regretted as well. But for the same reason I never told you about wanting you to stay, I knew I couldn’t have told you this directly either.”
Kaveh stares at Alhaitham, allowing himself to do so with full reverence, not forcing himself to look away. “I really hope we don’t die,” he says quietly.
“Me neither.”
Kaveh tugs on Alhaitham’s hand gently.
“Could I kiss you again?” he asks, much more carefully than he needs to. “If we… if we die, I think I would like to have done it at least once more. If it’s not too much to ask.”
Alhaitham shows one of his rarely-flashed smiles that Kaveh savors whenever he gets the chance to see it. Alhaitham runs a hand up Kaveh’s arm as he presses his lips against his once again. Kaveh pushes back against them eagerly, adoring the way his lips fit against Alhaitham’s, finally being able to savor the taste of him.
Kaveh feels greedy for Alhaitham, now. Like if he lets go of him, he’ll lose him once again. Kaveh’s eyebrows furrow as he kisses, relishing in the feeling of Alhaitham’s lips pressing in tandem with his own.
“Now I feel stupid, for waiting until now,” Kaveh mutters against Alhaitham’s mouth, laughing softly as they pull apart. “I could have had this for so long.”
“We could have,” Alhaitham agrees. “But it’s not worth regretting anymore. It won’t do you any good.”
“I know, I know,” Kaveh groans. “I just can’t help but feel like I shouldn’t have waited until near-death to say anything. It felt like so much was on the line, to not tell you. I was always too scared of losing you again.”
“That won’t happen,” Alhaitham assures him. “I made that mistake once, and I vowed to never do it again.”
Kaveh chuckles. “I’ll take your word for it, then.”
Kaveh watches as Alhaitham gazes out onto the scenery again. He takes a breath before speaking.
“I was thinking,” Alhaitham begins. “We could use your bedroom as extra storage. I could put an extra bookshelf or two in there.”
“Why my bedroom?” Kaveh argues. “Yours is horribly decorated. It makes more sense to turn that one into storage. It might as well be a library in there already, with how messy and cluttered with books it is.”
“I don’t care which one it is,” Alhaitham says, locking eyes with Kaveh. “Just that it’s one of them.”
Kaveh’s eyes twinkle. “I see. One of them, then. I could even knock out that wall between them to make it bigger.”
Alhaitham smiles softly, so soft that Kaveh almost misses it. “Yes, maybe.”
Kaveh feels Alhaitham grasp his hand just a little tighter, and feels that even if this is it, he won’t be so upset anymore.