Chapter Text
Hayden is suspicious of their relationship from the second he learns that it exists. He tries not to let the fact that Rozanov is a fucking asshole on the ice color his opinion of him as a boyfriend for Shane too much, but as far as Hayden knows—as far as anyone knows—he’s also a fucking asshole everywhere else. Not to mention the fact that he’s fucking, according to rumor, anything with a pulse. Although he’s only been seen with women, which is also suspicious. Not that Hayden is biphobic, or whatever it’s called, or anything. It’s just weird that Rozanov has been with a lot of women, including during the time that he and Shane were apparently getting together.
How can this guy—boastful, crude, famous ladies’ man—be the right person for Shane—shy, polite, very much a man?
Hayden considers himself privileged to be one of the few people who knows Shane Hollander as anything other than a hockey god. And the real Shane is surprisingly vulnerable. He’s shy and awkward with people when he can’t put on a persona. He’s incredibly private about sex, and not just because of the secret he’s been keeping all these years—even when he was dating Rose he didn’t want to tell anyone. He doesn’t laugh easily or confide in anyone; Hayden can’t even be hurt that Shane didn’t come out to him sooner—even his parents, even his mom who is still at every career event managing him, didn’t know that Shane was gay.
He’s funny and sweet and great with Hayden’s kids and he’s really lonely, which Hayden supposes is what happens if you’re at the very top of a field that also hates you for being who you are. Hayden knows he doesn’t really get what Shane has been through, but he has some idea, and he tries his best to fill in the blanks. He wants to understand, even though he has what Jackie calls straight male privilege.
So it’s no wonder that Shane would be charmed by someone like Rozanov, someone brash and confident like that. Someone who would take the lead in a relationship, which Shane would definitely be too anxious to pursue. Not that Hayden thinks Rozanov made Shane gay or anything like that, he’s not homophobic, but Hayden can definitely see Rozanov pushing them into a relationship when Shane didn’t have anyone else. Using him, maybe to test out some kind of curiosity Rozanov had about what being with a man would be like after so many women. And then keeping him around because he can, because he likes what Shane will do for him.
Shane is the sweetest guy in the world. He’s incredibly generous and giving just as a friend. And Shane loses all the confidence he has on the ice whenever he has to take his gear off and talk to people. It’s easy to imagine how Rozanov could entangle him in something he didn’t really want, or at least something that wasn’t good for him.
Hayden tries his best to keep an open mind, but it’s pretty obvious that he’s right. Anyone who looks at the two of them together can see that Rozanov is taking the lead in their relationship in a way that is, at the very best, weird.
Rozanov always has his hands all over Shane. Never anywhere that’s inappropriate in public, but almost always touching him. Sometimes just holding his hand, but other times cupping the back of Shane’s neck, or slinging an arm around his waist—touches that seem almost possessive. And Shane never reaches out to touch Rozanov first, not without looking at him, like Shane is asking if it’s okay. So all right, that could be normal, Rozanov is experienced and claims to have been with dudes before and Shane is brand new to a real relationship.
Maybe Rozanov is just handsy and confident. That seems like a weird fit for Shane, who usually doesn't even want to be hugged, but neither of those are bad things, inherently.
But touch isn’t the only thing Shane sometimes seems to be asking permission for. Hayden isn’t the most observant guy in the world, but he does notice that Shane never sits down until Rozanov pats the spot next to him on the couch or pulls his chair out for him. Again, it could be normal, sweet even. If it wasn’t every single time.
And then there’s the food thing. Hayden doesn’t know exactly how to describe the food thing, except that Shane has always been super weird about what he eats and now he’s still weird about it but it’s in a whole different way. The first time Shane ever came to Hayden’s for dinner, it was only because Hayden promised Jackie would make him his disgusting diet food. Shane had portioned it out precisely on his plate and eaten exactly what he’d served himself. He didn’t have dessert, not even a bite, not even when it was Jackie’s raspberry cheesecake, which is an objectively insane thing to do. Hayden has seen multiple lactose intolerant people down several slices in one sitting, consequences be damned.
That’s how Shane has eaten at every single meal he and Hayden have ever shared, which is a lot over the years. Careful and controlled and never deviating, even by one bite, from his prescribed plan. Never being tempted by a treat, never sneaking a taste of anything extra delicious, never letting himself be flexible so he can enjoy something.
Now it’s weird in a different way. If they’re somewhere that the food is buffet-style, Rozanov always makes Shane his plate. Which, again, okay, maybe that’s just nice. Hayden always got Jackie her plate while she was pregnant so she didn’t have to get up and down (then she swiftly kicked him off this duty because he apparently didn’t do it right). Not that Shane is pregnant, but it might be like that. Chivalrous, or whatever. Can a guy be chivalrous to another guy?
But Shane always eats exactly what’s on the plate that Rozanov hands him. He never leaves a bite behind, and he never gets himself more. He’s as controlled as ever about what he eats, it’s just that now Rozanov seems to be the one making the decisions.
If they’re eating somewhere that Rozanov can’t serve Shane his meal, Shane still takes what’s on offer now instead of bringing his own weird macrobiotic food, and he orders for himself at restaurants and everything, and it isn’t even all salads and quinoa bowls these days. But Hayden would swear that a couple of times he’s caught Shane putting down his fork, looking at Rozanov, and then picking it back up when Rozanov gives a minute shake of his head. Again, like he’s giving—or in this case refusing—permission for Shane to stop eating. And listen, Hayden has often wished he could make Shane just eat a normal fucking meal, but he’s also a grown man who can make his own decisions about that without his boyfriend telling him what to do.
There’s other weird stuff, too. Rozanov always makes Shane’s plate, but Shane is always the one jumping up to get Rozanov a new drink every time he finishes one. Rozanov is usually totally polite about it, says thank you, but once, when they’re off to the corner by themselves and must think no one can hear, Rozanov just says, “Beer,” one word, like an it’s order, and there’s something in the way Shane hands it to him that isn’t just grabbing something for a partner. Precise, almost choreographed.
Also, the thing where Shane doesn’t sit down until Rozanov tells him where? Sometimes that’s on the ground. Usually it’s when they’re over at Shane’s Montreal apartment, which isn’t huge, and the couch is crowded enough that the alternative is squishing in way too tight or someone standing, and Shane certainly looks perfectly comfortable down there, leaning back against Rozanov’s legs. It’s not like no one ever has to take the floor for a movie night with a big group, it’s just that it’s always Shane now and it’s like Rozanov is telling him to do it.
And Shane never looks Rozanov right in the face. Which, okay, Shane doesn’t like making eye contact with anyone ever, Hayden may not be the smartest guy in the world but it’s not like he hasn’t noticed that his best friend is autistic. (Well, Jackie noticed, around the time that Ruby was diagnosed, but Hayden was the one who married Jackie so probably he deserves partial credit for how smart she is. It’s like outsourcing being insightful). So maybe it’s just that Shane feels comfortable enough with Rozanov that he doesn’t feel like he has to pretend, masking is what one of Jackie’s books called it. But he doesn’t just avoid looking Rozanov in the eye. He always looks down at the ground when Rozanov is talking to him. Not just avoiding eye contact, but bowing his head. It’s weird.
The only thing that gives Hayden pause—the only thing that stops him from pulling Shane aside and telling him straight up that he needs to get out of this relationship—is that Shane is really, really happy. No matter how much Hayden loathes Rozanov, he can’t deny that Shane has never been this happy.
There’s a lightness about Shane that Hayden has never seen. He smiles more, a small, light smile that comes easily to his lips, not the practiced grin he has always given the cameras and even his friends. He laughs, he tells jokes without pausing to rehearse them in his head the way Hayden is used to him doing. He even looks taller, and it isn’t until he asks Jackie that he sees what she sees: he’s holding himself straight and not hunching in on himself, like he’s been carrying a burden his whole life and has finally set it down.
And if Ilya Rozanov is the guy who can give Shane those things, Hayden is going to grit his teeth and try to get used to him. Maybe even try to like him. God knows Shane deserves to be happy, after keeping these secrets for so long, carrying their whole team the entire time all the way to three fucking Cups, not to mention basically carrying Hayden through the first miserable years of parenting. Hayden doesn’t know if he and Jackie would even still be married if he hadn’t had Shane there to lend a hand when things got extra chaotic and also occasionally tell Hayden when he was being a jackass. If the biggest douche bag in the league and possibly on the planet is what Shane wants, that’s what he gets, and Hayden will get over it.
He does try to talk to Jackie about it. Obviously she knows more than he does about relationships (and everything). He trips over his words, but she still understands him.
“You’re saying that you think Shane might be in an abusive relationship?”
And, yeah, Hayden guesses that is what he thinks. He hadn’t actually thought those words, but that’s what it would be, right? If Rozanov is actually pushing Shane around, telling him what he can eat and if he’s allowed to see his friends, making him sit on the floor like a dog, that’s abuse.
Fuck, that’s a scary thought. It’s not something you worry about for your best friend when he’s a champion hockey player, but that’s stupid. Shane is physically strong, probably a match for Rozanov in a fight and certainly on the ice, but he’s vulnerable in all kinds of ways. The way he’d looked when he told Hayden he was gay… it’s like he actually thought Hayden, who has been his best friend for a decade, who made Shane his children’s godfather, was going to hit him. He’d sounded genuinely terrified as he babbled: I totally get it if it’s not cool with you. I promise I never looked at you or any of the guys like that, ever. Just, even if you don’t wanna be friends anymore, please don’t tell anyone?
Hayden will never know what it’s like to have to go through that. Shane had been scared of him.
It’s not that he doesn’t think Shane can look out for himself… well, okay. Actually, that’s exactly what it is. He does think that Shane can’t look out for himself, not when it comes to relationships. How would he have learned? How would he have learned that it was okay to say no, to tell Rozanov to fuck off if he was being pushy or doing something Shane didn’t want? Shane clearly felt like being gay was something he had to apologize for. What kind of power did that give Rozanov?
So yeah. An abusive relationship. That’s what he’s afraid of.
“Yeah. I guess I do think he might be.” Then, as always, he asks Jackie, “What do you think?”
Jackie pauses for a long moment, thinking. “They seem really happy together, and I’ve always thought Ilya was good for Shane. I could also be really wrong. The signs aren’t always obvious.”
“What are they? The signs?”
It turns out Jackie has been through this before, and more than once, with friends. Because apparently a lot of guys hit their girlfriends or wives? The thought of hurting Jackie makes him feel sick. The idea that anyone does that to someone they claim to love makes him feel sick.
Hayden wonders if it’s the same for gay men, if that’s common too. He had no idea.
He thinks maybe he wants to kill Ilya Rozanov.
“I mean, there are physical signs,” Jackie explains. “Bruises, marks, things like that. But most abuse isn’t physical like that. It’d be more like… hang on. There was a list somebody found, when my friend Anna was going through this. We had a groupchat about how much we hated fucking Steve, and—it’s ages back, thank God she got rid of him years ago, but…” Jackie pulls up an infographic on her phone. Very official looking. Ten Signs Someone You Love Is In An Abusive Relationship.
- Distance in other relationships
- Increased anxiety
- Self-blame and apologizing
- Reluctance to discuss relationship
- Defensiveness of partner
- Constant contact from partner
- A rigid routine
- Altered appearance or style
- Physical signs
- Observed physical or verbal abuse
“And it’s not all of these things, necessarily. With Anna we mostly noticed that we weren’t seeing a lot of her and she wouldn’t talk about what went on with Steve. I don’t think it’s supposed to be an exhaustive list. But are you seeing any of this stuff?”
It’s hard to say. Shane has always been rigid. And anxious. And of course he’s reluctant to discuss his relationship with Rozanov when they could both lose their careers over it.
“Probably the best thing to do,” Jackie says, gently, “is to talk to Shane about it.”
Hayden almost laughs, except that he would never laugh at Jackie. “Because the guy who didn’t tell his best friend he was gay for a decade is going to be real forthcoming about his abusive relationship?”
“He might be if you come right out and ask,” Jackie says, a little coldly.
Hayden is unpleasantly reminded of a conversation they’d had years ago, a couple of seasons after Shane and Hayden had really become best friends. When Shane left one night after babysitting, Jackie asked Hayden if he ever thought Shane might be gay. Just an inkling she had. Hayden had shrugged it off. And Shane had to carry his secret alone for another seven years.
So maybe there is something to this whole honest conversation idea.
“You really don’t see it?” Hayden asks. “You’re like a million times more observant than I am.”
“I see some of the things you’re describing, sure. They seem to have some, I guess I would say specific ways of doing things. But Shane likes things to be specific. The relationship that works for him probably has a lot of structure. It seems like it’s helping him..”
Hayden concedes that makes some sense. “But it seems like Rozanov is the one making all the rules.”
“You should definitely talk to Shane about it. Or at least keep looking out for signs. But honey?”
Hayden looks at Jackie. She puts a hand on his shoulder, gently.
“One thing I don’t see? Shane doesn’t seem at all afraid of him.”
That’s true. Their relationship is definitely weird, and it seems like Rozanov kind of pushes him around, but he never seems scared of his boyfriend.
And it’s the first time Hayden has ever seen Shane not afraid.
Hayden doesn’t see as much of Shane during the off-season as he used to. Which makes sense, obviously. It’s not like he wanted his best friend to stay an eternally available third wheel forever! Otherwise he wouldn’t have spent the last nine years trying to set him up on dates with women, which in retrospect he’s pretty embarrassed about. And he gets why Shane wants to spend most of the off-season with his boyfriend. It’s not like it is for him and Jackie—Shane doesn’t just travel for a few days at a time and then come home to his partner. He and Rozanov don’t see each other for weeks, maybe months, during the season. And because Hayden is the only one on the team who knows about them, they can only even talk in secret. Of course they want to be together every second of the summer, if Hayden could only see his wife six weeks out of the whole year he wouldn’t want to get out of bed either. He misses her enough when they’re on roadies for a couple of days.
But it doesn’t exactly help Rozanov endear himself to Hayden, the feeling that he’s literally standing between Hayden and the fun he and Shane used to have during the few months of the year they can actually relax. It used to be that Shane was over all the time, babysitting the kids so Hayden and Jackie could have date night, helping Hayden juggle them at the aquarium so Jackie could go to yoga, and, okay, it’s occurring to Hayden that maybe the problem is that he’s a selfish friend.
But he really doesn’t like when he calls to invite Shane to a movie night, just the two of them, and Shane says, “Let me ask Ilya if I’m—if he minds being abandoned for the evening.”
Totally reasonable thing to do! Hayden had already asked Jackie, and she’d already said “God, yes, get out of my house for the night, I’m already dreaming of reading a book in peace once these kids are in bed.” Except that Hayden doesn’t think if he minds was how Shane was going to end that sentence. It sounded like he was about to say if I’m allowed.
Shane is different now. Sometimes he seems like a different person. But, as far as Hayden can tell, not in any way that’s… worse?
Wouldn’t he be worse if Rozanov was hurting him? Would he really be less anxious? Would he really be so much happier?
Shane used to have these like, panic attacks. Meltdowns, Ruby’s psychologist had called them. They looked different in an adult than in a little kid, obviously, but Shane would get overwhelmed, sneak off somewhere, and end up shaking in a ball or (scariest of all), smacking himself in the forehead, sometimes with his palm, sometimes even against a wall. Hayden would try to help him, but it could be a long time before Shane could stop, and sometimes hours before he could speak again. Hayden never knew what to say or do in those moments. With Ruby, he could just scoop her up and hold her until she calmed down, and that was bad enough. What could he do for Shane? Fuck, Hayden hated seeing him like that, hated knowing that Shane was trying to hide it from everyone, even from Hayden.
But Hayden can’t remember the last time he saw Shane have a meltdown like that. When he starts getting anxious and overwhelmed, he pulls out his phone. Hayden assumes he’s texting Rozanov, and sometimes Shane will get a call a second later and Hayden will overhear Rozanov’s distinctive accent before he excuses himself to give them some privacy. Even before he gets a response, Shane is visibly calmer.
And even though it seems like he lets Rozanov push him around. But with other people, if anything, he’s gotten way more confident. Hayden overhears him on the phone with his mom, who is a terrifying woman who scares the shit out of Hayden and everyone. Shane has always done what she expected, even skipping out on things he clearly wanted to do because she’d booked him for some commercial he hated.
“Mom, I’m not doing it. No more shoots where I have to take my clothes off, I’m serious.” Hayden doesn’t hear what gets said into the other end of the phone, but Shane just sighs.
“Because I have plenty of money to set us all up until the end of time, and I can be a good role model without— you know what, I’m just gonna say that I don’t like it, so I’m not doing it.”
Hayden has never heard Shane be that assertive with anyone, let alone with his mother, who is, again, an absolutely terrifying person.
“Okay. Yeah. I love you too, Mom. Talk soon.”
Shane hangs up the phone and catches sight of Hayden. Hayden sort of expects him to apologize, the way he always reflexively does when he thinks someone might be judging him.
Instead he just says, “Hey, man. Good practice today, want to grab something to eat?”
There’s more, too. The guys on the team have always ribbed Shane about being awkward, quiet, not wanting to go out to bars, never picking up girls. It got a little better after Shane dated Rose Landry, because that was proof he could pull if he wanted to, but it still happens.
Now, when he gets a “Cap, why are you always so boring?” when he doesn’t want to go out drinking, Shane doesn’t get defensive or swallow back what is obviously hurt or agree to go out anyway and stand there, all tense and visibly unhappy, sipping a beer he hates in the corner because he feels like that’s supposed to do.
Instead, he’ll chirp right back. “If you weren’t out doing shots until two AM, maybe I wouldn’t have scored our only point this game. Try getting a little more boring, we might win more.”
Everyone had looked stunned that Shane would say something like that, and laughed, and it had seemed a lot less funny to mock Shane after that. They still tease, because that’s part of the game, but the nastiness goes out of it.
And the next time they lose to the Admirals, and someone in the locker room says I can’t believe they still let that fucking faggot play, it isn’t Hayden (protected from having the slur turned back on him by his very female wife and very large brood of children) who tells them to knock it off.
It’s Shane. Shane, who has always just set his shoulders and taken it when people say even the nastiest homophobic shit to each other or about other teams or even right to his face. Shane, who told Hayden once not to defend him when other guys called Shane a faggot, because if it seemed like he was bothered by it they might guess his secret.
Now Shane is perfectly calm as he says, “Hunter is one hell of a player, no matter who he fucks. If you’re gonna run your mouth in my locker room, get better insults. That one makes you look like an idiot.”
No one responds. But Hayden doesn’t hear that word again for months. And Shane doesn’t apologize for telling them to shut up.
Hayden should probably be honored that he’s one of six total people on planet Earth to know about Shane’s relationship. Eight if he counts the people in the relationship. There’s Hayden and Jackie, Shane’s parents, Rose Landry (it’s pretty cool to be in an eight-person club with Rose fucking Landry) and Rozanov’s friend Svetlana.
Instead, he sort of wishes that he hadn’t made the cut, because Hayden knows it means he’s supposed to be nice and supportive and he really can’t be, because he hates Ilya Rozanov. He hated Rozanov a long time before he was Shane’s boyfriend, and hates him ten times as much now that he is.
Shane probably knows that Hayden kind of can’t stand his boyfriend. He doesn’t talk about Rozanov a lot with him, even when Hayden gently tries to bring it up.
That was one of Jackie’s red flags, right? Not talking about the relationship?
On the other hand, Shane has a really good reason not to talk about it. Rozanov could be a perfect gentleman (which he isn’t) who treats Shane like a king (he doesn’t) and Shane still wouldn’t be able to talk about him in front of almost anyone. Maybe he just can’t break that habit, even with Hayden.
Or maybe the kinds of things he could say about his relationship, the kinds of problems he might ordinarily turn to a best friend for, are the kinds of things he can’t tell Hayden. Things like Ilya tells me what to do and I don’t know how to say no or even, God forbid, Ilya hurts me.
Shane has never wanted to talk about his personal life. He didn’t talk about his relationship with Rose either, never fully even confirmed he rumors that they were dating even though famous athlete dates famous actress is hardly a scandal. Hayden had figured Shane’s preference for privacy was because that wasn’t a real relationship and he was still in the closet, that he’d be more forthcoming once he loved someone for real. But Shane’s had to keep this secret for so long. He must be in the habit of it.
Hayden just wishes Shane knew he could talk to Hayden. If he needed anything at all.
After they’ve easily beaten Chicago, mostly thanks to a pretty unbelievable last-minute shot from Shane, Hayden heads back to his hotel room. He’s planning on FaceTiming Jackie and the kids and then going to sleep early, and he doesn’t really care if the other guys chirp him about it. He’s got a thick skin about stuff like that. He’ll never apologize for putting his family first.
But there’s a knock on the door. To his surprise, it’s Shane, standing awkwardly with his hands in his pockets.
“Can I talk to you, man?”
“Sure,” Hayden says, and lets him in. Shane stands there like he’s not sure where he’s allowed to be. Hayden doesn’t want to boss him around the way Rozanov does, but he pulls out the desk chair and then plops onto the armchair in the corner himself, a little cue. Shane still looks tense as hell even once he sits down.
“What’s going on?” Hayden prompts.
“Listen. You gotta stop being such an asshole to Ilya.”
Hayden is taken aback. A little shocked, honestly, to hear Shane talk like that. That bossy, from a guy who hates to ask for anything. “Sorry?”
“No, dude, I get it. I know you don’t like him, I know we’ve played against him for a long time on the ice, and his persona is like, a lot. I expected it to take some time for you to warm up to him.” Shane takes a breath. “But it’s been more than a year. He’s been to your house, met your kids. He and Jackie text all the time. I’m not saying you gotta be friends, but he’s part of my life, so he’s part of your life and you gotta stop treating him like he’s the enemy.”
Here’s the opportunity to have that conversation Jackie was telling him he was supposed to have. His big chance to be a good friend and be honest with Shane about how concerned he is. Defending their partner’s behavior was on Jackie’s list. “Okay,” Hayden says instead.
“It’s really all right if you don’t like him,” Shane says, “I know you probably wish I’d be with some other guy. Someone less complicated. Logistically and like, personality wise. But Ilya is he only one for me. He’s the love of my life. I’ve loved him since I was eighteen years old. Longer than you’ve even known Jackie. And Ilya and I have fought through hell just to be together. We can’t be out in public together, can’t hold hands, can’t share a home, much less have kids. And in spite of that, I’m so happy, Hayden, I’ve never been happy like this before. Don’t you see that?”
“I do,” Hayden says, because it’s true. Even with everything else, everything that freaks him out about Shane and Rozanov together, he knows that Shane is finally happy. Every time he says Ilya—even in this incredibly awkward conversation he and Hayden are having right now—Shane’s face basically glows. Hayden would love to be able to tell himself that it’s just the relief of being out even just to Hayden, of having a relationship with someone he hypothetically could be attracted to, that it would be even better with some other, nicer guy, but he knows that’s not true. It’s the way he says Rozanov’s name, it’s the way every time he’s in a room with Rozanov Shane drifts towards him like he has the gravitational pull of a star, it’s the way he relaxes with Rozanov’s hands all over him even though it makes Hayden sick to see it. “And you know I want you to be happy. You deserve it.”
“Okay. So you’re going to be nice?”
Hayden sighs. “I’m gonna try.”
“No,” Shane says, which surprises Hayden. He’s still not used to this new Shane who sticks up for himself. “No, you’re not gonna just try, you’re going to at least be polite. Say hello when he walks in the room, ask him how he’s doing, stop looking right past him when he talks to you, stop mocking him to his face. Like I said, I don’t care if you like each other, but it’s not okay for you to be outright rude to him. He’s my partner, and I need you to respect that. Especially because you’re one of like, five people who even knows we’re together.”
“I’m sorry,” Hayden says, sincerely. “You’re right, I’m sorry. You deserve better than me being a dick.”
“So does Ilya,” Shane says firmly.
Hayden forces himself to nod.
“Thanks, man. I appreciate you listening. I know it’s a pretty big ask, but obviously I trust you to step up.” Shane smiles. “Anyways. Were you about to FaceTime the kids? Can Uncle Shane hang around and say hi?”
And then it’s just like it used to be between him and Shane, at least for a little while.
So how the fuck is Hayden supposed to have the conversation with Shane, after that? After seeing how defensive he is of Rozanov just because Hayden doesn’t like him, Hayden somehow thinks accusing the guy of abusing Shane isn’t going to go over big. He thinks it might actually blow up his friendship with Shane, and that’s the last thing Hayden wants.
Shane, for all his awkwardness, is the coolest person Hayden knows. He’s family. He loves Hayden’s kids and he’s great with them and he is one of only a few people who Hayden really trusts. Not just a buddy to hang out with sometimes, but a friend. Hayden doesn’t want to lose that over an asshole like Ilya Rozanov.
The thing is that Hayden doesn’t just have to put up with Rozanov when they’re together, like over the summer. He has to put up with Rozanov all the goddamn time, or at least the idea of him.
Rozanov and Shane text every morning. Shane carefully hides his screen from anyone’s view, even Hayden’s, but whatever Rozanov is sending him makes Shane smile, and sometimes blush. It’s sort of nice, right? Hopefully it’s nice. They also call every night. Hayden also likes talking to Jackie when he’s on the road, prioritizes it as much as he can. But Shane never goes a day without talking to Rozanov. Not when the team is going out to celebrate, not when it’s been a brutal game and he’s obviously exhausted and maybe even a little injured, not when it’s two AM and there’s a time difference, not when he has to confine himself in a bathroom or hide in a stairwell to get some privacy.
The calls Hayden overhears part of are short. Sometimes, he knows, they’re longer, Shane locking himself in a room for an hour or more and coming out with that little satisfied smile he only has around Rozanov. There’s nothing wrong with any of that, obviously. It’s nice, probably, that Shane has a partner who wants to check in on him like that. It’s just so… rigid. And sometimes during the day Shane will get a text, and his phone will light up with Lily, and he rushes to answer it like it’s an emergency. Like he has no choice.
Hayden would believe he just misses Rozanov. Shane certainly seems to be pretty madly in love with him, as little sense as that makes. And Shane likes a routine and always has. But there’s something about the way that he does it that’s different than that. More than that. Shane doesn’t seem scared, exactly. Just… almost like he has to. Has to put what Rozanov might want over anything else.
It’s becoming less common for players to be asked to share rooms, so Hayden only sees it once. It could even be the only time it happens. But it’s so freaking weird Hayden can’t totally brush it off.
They’re getting ready to go out for the night, Shane having for once been convinced to join in. Hayden has already tugged on whatever clothes, a t-shirt and jeans. Meanwhile, Shane is laying out his outfit on the bed with typical precision. Then the weird part: he pulls out his phone and takes a picture.
“You a fashion blogger now?” The outfit is pretty boring, too, a black button-down and jeans. And Shane blushes a little. “No, y’know, just, clothes aren’t really my thing. I just like to get Ilya’s opinion sometimes.”
Shane’s phone dings right away, and he gets dressed, and they have a really nice night at the club. Shane is way more relaxed than usual. He certainly doesn’t seem like someone whose boyfriend is so controlling that he tells Shane what he’s allowed to wear when he goes out with his friends. Shane is light, happy. He even dances.
It’s still really weird.
It’s three days after the Christmas break when Hayden sees it. He knows Shane and Rozanov were together, listened as Shane awkwardly babbled about why he wasn’t going to his parents’ like Hayden didn’t think it was perfectly natural for him to want to see his boyfriend after more than a month separated by their work schedules. Just because Hayden doesn’t like the guy doesn’t mean he thinks Shane should have to pretend he’s not in a relationship. Wasn’t that the whole point of Shane coming out to him?
Now they’re in the locker room, stripping down to gear up for their game. Shane is all the way in the corner where he likes to be, where no one can really see him. Everybody knows Shane is kind of weird and private, and he’s too good a player for them to do more than rib him about it. He never takes the bait, so he’s not a lot of fun to chirp.
Hayden always takes the spot next to him, a layer between Shane and everyone else. He’s done this without speaking of it for Shane’s whole career. It means Hayden is the only one who can really see him.
Which means Hayden is the only one who sees the marks.
Shane is wearing a compression tank under his gear. He’d mentioned that he had a bruise from a practice and was trying to keep it from swelling. Not too weird.
They’re hardly showing. Just the edge of two of them a little bit under the tank, towards Shane’s ass, and one on Shane’s shoulder. Less than an inch each peeking out. But that’s all Hayden needs to see to know.
Thin but deep, red lines that look almost like they were drawn there. Just starting to bruise around the edges.
Those are not hockey injuries. Those are welts. They look like they came from a fucking whip or something.
Hayden stares at him, open-mouthed, for a long moment. Long enough that it isn’t even Shane that notices, but another teammate.
“Are you staring at Hollander’s ass, Pike?”
Everybody laughs. It’s more of a friendly chirp than anything, but of course Shane jumps and quickly tugs clothing over himself.
When Hayden tries, gently, to ask Shane about what he had seen, Shane tells him to go fuck himself. Which Hayden probably deserves after opening Shane up to yet another nasty little joke about gay people by looking at him too long in the locker room. It didn’t have to be directed at Shane to be hurtful. It might even have been worse because it was just floating in the air that Shane had to breathe.
But those marks. They have to have been made intentionally. Hayden can’t think of any kind of injury, any kind of accident, that could cause something like that. Someone put those on Shane, on purpose. And Hayden can only think of one person that it could be.
Whatever it was Rozanov hit him with, it looks brutal. It had to have really hurt, has to still hurt. And humiliating him like this, knowing the rest of his team might see those marks? Leaving him having to explain it away? That might be just as bad to inflict on someone as proud as Shane.
After that, Hayden starts keeping track every time he spots a mark on Shane. And it turns out that it’s all the time.
They’re never that dramatic again, and he’s careful not to stare, but soon he can’t deny that there’s a pattern emerging.
Whenever they play against Boston, or whenever they have a long enough pause in the punishing schedule of the season that Shane can sneak off to see his boyfriend, he comes back marked up. Sometimes it’s just normal stuff, like hickeys, but sometimes there are other signs.
It’s making Hayden kind of crazy.
There’s a bruise on Shane’s neck two days after he gets back from seeing Rozanov after their next game. It could be a love bite. But it’s shaped kind of like a fingertip.
They play Boston and win and Shane shows up to practice the next morning with a split lip. Maybe he took a check to the face or a puck hit him and Hayden just didn’t notice. Or maybe Rozanov has a temper when he loses.
They play a game in New York while Boston is playing in Philly and Shane takes the train to fucking Trenton, New Jersey so that he and Rozanov can meet in the middle for three stolen hours. It would be kind of romantic, except that Shane comes back limping a little, like it hurts to walk. Hayden asks if he’s okay and Shane turns bright red, and Hayden wants to tell himself that he’s blushing and stammering because it was just rough sex, which would be fine and none of Hayden’s business and nothing Hayden even wanted to know about, as long as Shane liked it.
But it could be something else, something much worse.
Maybe there’s some way this is all a coincidence. Maybe Hayden is putting pieces together to see something that isn’t there, because he doesn’t like Rozanov and because he doesn’t like the way his friendship with Shane is changing.
Or maybe Rozanov is hurting Shane, right out in the open, getting bolder and bolder with the marks he leaves, and no one is doing anything about it.
Hayden is reminded of all the times the team teased Shane after his encounters with “Boston Lily.” The hickeys, the scratch marks on his back, the handprint on his ass. The friendly ribbing of their normally composed captain, this girl must be wild in bed, dude you’re a freak, that’s some kinky shit. Was it happening even then?
He talks to Jackie about it. Maybe he slightly implies that he did talk to Shane and it didn’t go well. Which, he almost did! Or at least he’s sure if he had it would have been a disaster. “So what do I do?”
“You just be a friend to him,” she says. “That’s all you can do, when someone is in an abusive relationship. You can’t keep pushing him to leave. Either Shane will distance himself or, if you’re right and this isn’t a safe relationship, Rozanov will make him. You just have to remind Shane that he still has other people outside the relationship. He has you, and if he ends up needing help you’re going to be there. You can’t let him feel like you’re judging him for staying if you want there to be any way you can help him when he leaves.”
That doesn’t feel like a lot. It doesn’t feel like enough, to just watch and wait and try to make nice with the guy who Hayden is pretty sure is hurting his best friend.
That summer is when things explode.
It’s the twins’ birthday weekend, and Shane and Rozanov both promised to drive in that night and help set up for the party. Hayden had been really looking forward to seeing Shane. And was ready to tolerate seeing Rozanov.
Then he gets the text. Not even from Shane, but from Rozanov.
Shane is having tough day. I am keeping him home to take care of him. We will try to come tomorrow morning. I am very sorry. All our love to Jackie and the kids.
And objectively, it’s actually a perfectly nice text. Rozanov wants to take care of Shane, he apologizes, he cares about Hayden’s family, he doesn’t even get in one of his stupid little digs about how Hayden sucks at hockey.
But it’s the last fucking straw. Because Shane would never, no matter how tough a day he was having, put anything before a promise he made, let alone a promise he made to the kids. This isn’t Shane’s decision. Rozanov isn’t letting him come. Keeping him home, just like Rozanov said.
He grabs the keys off the counter and tells Jackie he has to run a quick errand. Then he drives as fast as he can to Shane’s cottage. It still takes an hour and a half.
Basically the whole place is made of glass, and the lights are on inside, so Hayden has a perfect view as he pulls up. A perfect view of the worst thing he’s ever seen in his entire life.
They’re in the living room. Rozanov is fully clothed, jeans and a terrible Hawaiian shirt. His expression is focused, cold, as he looks down at Shane, who is completely naked. He’s on his knees at Rozanov’s feet.
There’s no mistaking this for some kind of pre-blowjob moment, though. Shane’s face is red and blotchy, he’s obviously been crying. Now his eyes are glazed over and his mouth slack. Fuck, did Rozanov drug him?
Rozanov looks down at Shane with a sneer. He says something. Shane sniffles visibly. Hayden thinks he can tell that Shane is saying “I’m sorry.” Then Rozanov raises his hand and backhands Shane with all his strength.
Shane almost falls to the floor, but Rozanov grabs his hair, yanks him back up, hits him again.
Hayden can’t watch any more of this. He doesn’t even shut the engine off. He certainly doesn’t try to make a plan for how he’s going to take out Ilya Rozanov, a guy who has four inches of height and forty pounds of muscle on him. He just gets out of the car and runs up to the door.
Shane is having a hard day. He couldn’t settle, even after Ilya spanked him with his hand, which is usually the easiest way to calm him down, even after Ilya fucked him, even after an hour kneeling at Ilya’s feet afterwards. Eventually, Ilya had directly ordered Shane to tell him what was wrong.
“I’m nervous about tonight, Master,” Shane had said, hiding his face in Ilya’s lap. “I know Hayden doesn’t like you—doesn’t like us together, either—and I’m tired of him being nasty about it and I don’t know what to do. I’ve told him to stop and I’ve told him it hurts my feelings and I don’t want to stop being his friend but it kills me to watch you get treated,” Shane hesitates, looking for the word, “disrespectfully.”
Once upon a time, it would have bothered Ilya too. It would have reminded him of being talked down to by his father, of his brother’s demanding disdain, of never being good enough. Now he had Shane’s respect, Shane’s obedience, Shane’s devotion to him, and that’s all he needs. Everyone else in the world can treat Ilya like dirt, as far as he’s concerned. The only person whose opinion he cares about is Shane’s.
Ilya runs a calming hand across Shane’s shoulders, coming to cup the back of his neck. “Shh, sweet boy. I am glad you told me. You should have said that this was worrying you.”
Shane sounds on the verge of tears. “I didn’t want to put this on you. He’s my friend, it’s my problem.”
Ilya pinches the back of Shane’s neck, twists hard enough to get a pained yelp from him. “Stop being stupid,” he instructs. “All of your problems are for me to deal with, because you are mine. I decide, not you. How many times have I punished you for forgetting this?”
He isn’t actually expecting an answer, so he’s more than a little charmed when Shane mumbles “Thirty-six.” Of course Shane keeps count. He probably has a little coded notebook somewhere of all the kinky things they do so he can study up and do better next time. Ilya loves this man so much.
“That’s a lot of punishments for a good boy like you. Are you ever going to learn your lesson about this?”
“I’m sorry, Master.” Shane sounds so miserable, the way he always does when he’s broken a rule.
“Is okay, moy dorogoy. You are trying to protect me. Is very sweet, and not necessary. I am very tough, remember?”
That gets a smile out of Shane, just as Ilya had hoped.
“I will tell you what we will do, okay?”
“Thank you,” Shane says, already gratefully agreeing to whatever Ilya has planned. Ilya will never get over the rush of having Shane like this, having his trust not just to guide them during sex but to steer them every time they struggle. To lead their whole lives together.
“I will text Pike myself. I will explain that we are not coming tonight because you are not feeling well. Then I will hurt you, as punishment for not asking for help when you needed it and to stop your little brain from worrying about things that are not your concern. In the morning, if you are feeling better, we will go to birthday party, and if Pike is asshole to me I will have words with him. If you are still feeling this way, you will be honest with me, and we will stay home, make up for absence by sending outrageously expensive gift to the birthday girls, and next year make plan for you to go without me so you do not have to be upset and I do not have to go where I am not welcome.”
Ilya doesn’t want to send Shane alone this year. Shane is too upset, too vulnerable.
“What do you think?” Ilya doesn’t always ask for Shane’s opinion on his decisions, but he’s not comfortable controlling Shane’s relationships with other people without some input from him.
“I just… I feel bad that my best friend treats you like this. Like maybe he’s not much of a friend.”
Ilya cups Shane’s chin, just holding him. “So he does not like me. I am a dick, many people do not like me. Is okay, it does not hurt me. Is important that you have other people in your life, not just me. Is he still a good friend to you in other ways?”
Shane thinks about it for a moment, and then nods. “Yeah. I just…”
“You still feel bad. You’ll feel better after punishment,” Ilya says. Shane always does. They both do, actually, settling into their roles when things feel unsure. And what Ilya has planned for him isn’t really a punishment: mostly, it’s something he knows Shane likes, something they might do together any night. Framing it that way will just help Shane settle instead of dwelling in this feeling that no matter what he does he’s letting someone down.
“Thank you, Master,” Shane says, and he’s on the verge of grateful tears. “You take such good care of me.”
“You deserve it. My perfect boy.” Ilya yanks Shane up onto his lap and kisses him fiercely, and then texts Pike to tell him that they’re not coming.
Shane has no problem yielding so many things up to Ilya. He’s so obedient, willing to take whatever pain Ilya chooses to give him, giving up his own orgasms almost completely, letting Ilya choose where they go and what they do and what he wears and, after some struggles, what he eats. The only thing Shane stubbornly clings on to is his problems. He will still insist that he doesn’t want to burden Ilya with his anxieties.
Someday, Ilya will make him understand that Ilya wants all of that too. Not from some loving, generous urge, but because he owns Shane and he wants Shane to give him absolutely everything. To trust Ilya enough to let him choose how to sort through things like this, the things that tangle Shane up in knots.
Shane always does it when Ilya directly orders him to, but he doesn’t let himself ask every time. Eventually, he will, no matter how many times Ilya has to literally beat it into him.
Ilya puts him on his knees in the middle of the living room. He knows it makes Shane feel exposed, even though of course no one can see them in the dark, surrounded by the forest, in the middle of nowhere. He strokes Shane’s hair gently, once. And then, giving him no warning, slaps Shane as hard as he can.
Shane loves being slapped in the face, it’s probably his favorite kind of impact, but this is so sudden that he cries out. Then he bites his lip.
“No, do not hide from me,” Ilya orders. “I want to hear it.”
He slaps Shane again, again with all of his strength.
“Tell me why I’m punishing you.”
Another slap. Ilya’s plan is pretty simple. Slap Shane until he can’t think straight, make him apologize again and again until he cries, and then jerk off in front of him without letting him touch or taste Ilya as a reminder of how much he wants Ilya to own him. He’s calling it a punishment because Shane needs that, but really he’s only doing things Shane will like, that will get him in the right headspace. The only real punishment is not letting him blow Ilya. Then Ilya will get to put him to bed, hold him, cuddles, kisses, all the things they’ll both need.
“Because I didn’t tell you why I was upset, Master. I’m sorry.”
“Again. Apologize.” Another slap, other cheek this time.
“I’m sorry I hid it from you, Master.” Shane’s eyes are already welling with tears as Ilya slaps him again.
“And what’s wrong with that, hmm? Why don’t you get to keep these things to yourself?”
“Because I’m yours, I belong to you. I’m sorry.”
This slap makes the tears start to fall. “Is that true?” Ilya demands. “Are you really mine?”
Shane looks genuinely miserable at the question, at the possibility that Ilya could possibly doubt his ownership. “Yes, please, I’m yours, please.”
“What does that mean? What does my Shane do for me?”
“Whatever you want, Master, I’m sorry.”
“You don’t keep things from me, and you don’t decide things for me.”
“I’m sorry, Master.”
Ilya backhands him, hard enough that Shane almost falls to the floor. He’s split Shane’s lip and it’s bleeding sluggishly. Fuck it, maybe he’ll forget the last part of the punishment he had planned and let Shane suck him off, rest his hand on Shane’s red and sore cheek while he makes Ilya come. Shane has probably learned his lesson, right?
Ilya grabs his hair and hauls him back up onto his knees, slaps him again, even harder. Shane cries out, but when he speaks it’s, “Thank you, I’m sorry, please, I’m all yours.”
That’s when there is a crash at the front door.
Hayden slams his shoulder full force into the door. The only thing he gets for his troubles is a shoulder that’s probably going to bruise.
He’s vaguely considering getting back into the car and driving it through the wall to get to Shane, or probably more sensibly calling the police, when the door opens. Rozanov is standing in the doorway, blocking the entire entryway. Hayden can’t even see around him to where Shane is.
“Pike? What the fuck do you want?”
Hayden punches him in the face.
He didn’t even mean to, he just does it. He feels Rozanov’s nose crunch, and there’s blood. Good.
Right at that moment, Hayden is pretty sure he could kill Ilya Rozanov with his bare hands.
Hayden isn’t particularly violent, certainly not for a professional hockey player. He loves the speed of the ice and the smooth precision of a good pass, not checking and fighting. But seeing Shane like that? Knowing how much Shane loves Rozanov, how much he’s risked to be with him, and watching Rozanov hurt him in such a calculated and deliberate way?
Yeah, Hayden is going to kill him.
He punches Rozanov again. Rozanov ducks his head, dodging most of the force of the blow, but he doesn’t hit back. Instead, he looks over his shoulder and barks something in Russian, probably to Shane.
Hayden hits him again. His knuckles are getting bloody. Rozanov stumbles back, and Hayden pushes past him, into the house. He looks for Shane, who at least isn’t on the floor anymore.
“Where is he, you son of a bitch?”
“Pike,” Rozanov says, his voice bizarrely calm, “I think we are having a misunderstanding.”
“A misunderstanding, you fucking bastard?” Hayden goes for the throat. Literally. He’s going to choke this guy, hopefully to death.
That’s when he feels a hand land on his shoulder. Not gently.
Shane shoves him back against the wall, an iron-hard arm holding him in place.
“Moy rodnoy, I told you to—“ Rozanov begins, and Hayden sees red again. How dare he think that he gets to order Shane around? How can he still think that’s okay, after Hayden has literally broken his nose about it? How can he sound so fucking calm?
Hayden tries to break out of Shane’s hold, to go after Rozanov again, but Shane is too strong. And Hayden doesn’t want to struggle hard enough to risk hurting him.
“Hayden,” Shane says, and he doesn’t sound scared or dazed or drugged or any of the other things Hayden would have expected. He sounds pissed off, actually. “I do not want to have this conversation while I am naked. Can you please refrain from physically harming my boyfriend while I go put some pants on?”
“As long as he doesn’t try anything,” Hayden says, and Shane releases him. Rozanov holds up his hands, gesturing a lack of threat.
“I’ll be right back.”
Shane ducks out of the room. Leaving a still-bleeding Rozanov and Hayden staring at each other.
“Can I get you a beer?” Rozanov says.
Hayden blinks. “What the fuck.”
Rozanov shrugs. “You had long drive from Montreal. Lost a fight to man with no clothes on. Now you are about to have what I think will be most awkward conversation of your whole life. You might want drink.”
“Uh. I guess.”
He watches Rozanov, though, to make sure he isn’t putting anything in it, like he’s maybe drugged Shane. It’s just a bottle of Budweiser. Pretty harmless. He brings the bottle opener so Hayden can pop the cap off himself when Rozanov notices him watching suspiciously.
Hayden takes a sip.
Rozanov pinches his own bloody nose. Seems like Hayden should have hit him harder. It only needs a few seconds of pressure for the bleeding to stop. Might not even be broken.
Shane comes back. He’s wearing a t-shirt and sweats and has washed the tears off his face, but his cheek is still red. Is maybe going to bruise. Shane looks at Rozanov first, who nods at the couch across from Hayden’s chair, and Shane sits.
Hayden’s stomach turns. He’s waiting for permission, even now.
“You do not have to explain anything,” Rozanov says to Shane in a low voice. “I know you want it to be secret.”
“We gotta tell him something,” Shane whispers back.
“I will take blame. Let him think what he already thinks. Keep us private.”
“Shut up, Rozanov,” Shane says. “Don’t be fucking stupid.”
That’s not how Hayden would expect a victim to talk to his abuser. Nor would he expect the abuser to do nothing in return but smile fondly.
“Okay. You are right, I am stupid. How do you want to do this, moy lyubimyy? You want to talk to him alone? You want me to explain?” Rozanov puts a hand on Shane’s cheek, stroking over where he’d hit Shane. It’s perfectly gentle but it makes Hayden’s stomach churn, especially when Rozanov says, “Do you need me to decide?”
“No, I got it, I can talk.” Shane pauses, and his tone is a little pleading: “But stay?”
“Of course.” Rozanov goes to sit next to Shane, close enough that their thighs are touching.
“Back off,” Hayden says. “You can’t be that close to him.”
Shane looks right at Hayden. Looks him in the eye, something he’s only done a handful of times in the years they’ve known each other. “You don’t tell me what to do in my own home,” he says. “Understand?”
“Okay. Sorry.” Hayden doesn’t know a lot about domestic abuse but probably the victim’s friends aren’t also supposed to boss him around.
“Shit. I don’t know how to explain this. I’ve never really had to, even to Ilya. He just got it.”
Rozanov’s hand is still on Shane’s face, possessive. Hayden reminds himself he promised not to try to hit Rozanov again.
“So you saw something that’s like, really private. And it’s part of our relationship. It’s something I want. Something I asked for. Something I need.”
“Nobody needs their partner to hit them in the fucking face,” Hayden hisses. “Shane, whatever he told you, whatever he’s told you about yourself—“
Shane’s voice is always calm. “Ilya has never told me anything except that he loves me and that I don’t need to be ashamed of wanting what I want.”
“You want him to beat you? Shane, I’ve seen marks on you before, I hear him order you around. Now I saw him hitting you. You don’t have to put up with this.”
“I’m not putting up with anything. I love Ilya, and I’m happy.”
“Happy with someone who hurts you?” While Shane is looking for words, Hayden impuslively adds, “I’m not leaving this house without you, buddy. I can drive you to your parents’, or a police station, or you can come and stay with me and Jackie and the kids. But I’m not leaving you here with him.”
“I’m doing a bad job explaining this,” Shane says. “I don’t know how to make you understand that I’m okay. That I’m the best I ever have been.”
Hayden starts to tell him that can’t be true. It’s confusing, though, because it’s true that Shane is happier than he’s ever been, but it doesn’t make any sense that he could be happy with someone who hurts him deliberately.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake,” Rozanov interrupts. “Pike, you are grown man. Surely you have heard of BDSM.”
Hayden has, of course. But his impression is pretty much limited to Fifty Shades of Grey and whatever smutty books the WAGs are reading. “I thought that was a sex thing. Like, handcuffs and spanking.”
“It can be,” Shane says, calm again now that the seal has been broken. “For a lot of people it is, it’s just something to spice things up in the bedroom. But for me and Ilya, it isn’t like that.” Shane looks at Rozanov, and his expression is so tender, so adoring. “It’s the way we choose to have our relationship. I want to belong to him, and he wants to take care of me. Including by, yes, telling me what to do, and sometimes hurting me, but only because they are things I want.”
Hayden doesn’t understand it. He doesn’t get how that could be something anyone could want. But the weird thing is, he believes it.
It’s beyond obvious that Shane at least thinks he’s telling the truth. He’s the world’s worst liar. He’s stumbling for words, but he’s not making them up.
And it’s true that he isn’t scared of Rozanov. He never has been. Hayden has seen them together way more often than he wants to, he knows how Shane feels about the guy.
No, he’s happy with Rozanov. So much happier with this man in his life.
And the way Rozanov looks at Shane, including right now… it’s like nothing Hayden has ever seen. Honestly, he tries not to think about it because it’s kind of disturbingly intimate. Rozanov never looks away from Shane for long, whether they’re talking alone in a corner or on opposite sides of a crowded room. Whenever he catches sight of Shane, Rozanov’s eyes scan his face, like he’s checking in on Shane, looking after him. There’s something so soft in the way Rozanov looks at Shane that it makes Hayden feel like he’s intruding just being in the same room as it, even when they’re in Hayden’s fucking house.
Just because Hayden hates him, just because their relationship is fucking weird as hell, doesn’t mean he can be blind to that, no matter how much he’d like to be. No matter how confusing the whole thing is to him.
It also doesn’t mean he feels okay with Shane being hurt, even if he’s supposedly agreeing to it. So what if he likes it? You can’t just hit someone you love in the face. Hayden doesn’t think he could do that if his life depended on it. Just the thought makes him sick.
“You have questions, Pike?” Rozanov says.
“A lot of them.”
“Ask. We will answer if not too intrusive. So that we never have to have this conversation again,” Rozanov offers.
Hayden doesn’t know where to start. He directs his questions at Shane. “How did he talk you into this?”
Rozanov huffs out a laugh, and Shane looks somewhat amused. “Uh, it was kind of always this way between us, a little bit. Just, naturally. At least in bed. But then I asked for it to be what it is now.”
“Begged for it,” Rozanov teases. But it’s not mean, it’s fond.
“Oh, like that wasn’t the best day of your life, Rozanov.”
Rozanov smiles at Shane, so sweetly. “You know it was, moy lyubimyy.”
Okay, so now it’s confusing and disgusting. And kind of sweet? Hayden has never been more uncertain what to do in his whole life.
“And it’s like… a sex thing, but it isn’t?”
Shane sighs. “I mean, basically, yeah. It’s something that turns both of us on, and some of our rules have to do with sex, but it’s a lot more than that. For us.”
“There are rules?”
“There are rules. I’m not telling you what they are, that’s not your business.”
“And if you don’t follow them, what, he hurts you? Like that disgusting shit I saw tonight?”
Shane flinches, like Hayden is the one who slapped him.
Rozanov is the one who speaks. “You want to ask questions, you ask. You want to make Shane feel ashamed of himself, you get out or I break more than your nose. Understand?” His voice is like steel.
“Uh. Yeah, sorry. I didn’t mean it that way. I just don’t understand how you could—want something like that? Doesn’t it hurt?”
“Sure, it hurts.”
“And you like that?”
Shane shrugs. “Sometimes. Sometimes I do it for Ilya.”
Hayden's stomach turns again. “That’s horrible—“
“Oh, like your wife liked everything about giving birth to six thousand children?” Rozanov interrupts. “Sometimes we do things for the people we love, no?”
Hayden bristles.
“Ilya, you’re not helping,” Shane sighs.
“Sorry, moy lyubimyy.” Rozanov presses a quick kiss to the top of Shane’s head.
Hayden can’t deny that it’s obvious that they’re in love. It always has been. And yet Hayden had seen, with his own eyes, while Rozanov battered Shane not half an hour ago. Hayden takes a sip of his beer, trying to get control of his nerves. Trying to make sense of what he’s seen, of all the different thoughts spinning in his head.
“Why?” Hayden says bluntly. “Why do you put up with this? What is so great about Rozanov that you’ll do this for him?”
“I don’t do this for Ilya. I do it because I like it, actually. Somehow I got incredibly lucky and the first person I was ever with was both the love of my life and someone who wanted to share this with me. I don’t know how else to explain it.”
“What do you like about it?” He tries to be curious rather than confrontational. It’s not easy.
“I was getting to that, Hayden, take a breath.” Shane takes a breath himself. Rozanov murmurs something to him in Russian, but Shane shakes his head. “Okay. You probably noticed at some point that I have some anxiety, right?”
Understatement of the century.
“I can like. Give all of that to Ilya, and he carries it for me. I don’t have to worry about anything, because he can decide if I need him to. I’ve just… I’ve always felt like I’m doing something wrong, except when I’m on the ice. Now I don’t have to. I have, like, structure.”
“And is very sexy when he—“ Rozanov starts. Shane smacks his shoulder.
“Stop that.”
“Sorry.” Rozanov doesn’t look sorry at all.
“But yeah. The sex is a part of it but it’s mostly just… it’s how we fit together. I don’t expect you to get it, or like it. I know it’s not the kind of relationship most people will ever understand. But I expect you to see that I’m happy, and to be happy for me. Or at least be decent to Ilya, okay?”
“I don’t know if I can do that,” Hayden says honestly. “Not after seeing him hurt you like that.”
Rozanov says something else in Russian. Hayden really doesn’t like that he can talk to Shane behind Hayden’s back right in front of his face.
Shane nods, apparently agreeing to whatever he’s said.
“You saw something private tonight, something you should not have seen,” Rozanov begins. “Do you know why this was happening?”
Because you’re an abusive asshole who should be thrown in prison to rot, Hayden thinks but does not say.
“I needed it,” Shane says. “Because I was freaking out. Because I was gonna have to come to your house and watch while you treated Ilya like crap. Before you knew about any of our kink stuff.”
“Don’t try to blame this on me,” Hayden says, almost yells, but he gets control of his voice right at the end. He doesn’t want to yell at Shane, not after everything he’s been through.
“Obviously Ilya hitting me isn’t your fault. That’s between me and him. But you acting like a jackass to his face, in front of mine, after I have repeatedly asked you not to—that is on you. And you’re gonna have to find a way to change it, even after this, or things are gonna change between you and I.”
“I act like a jackass because I have spent the last ten years watching him act like an asshole on the ice, and the last three watching him order you around. It makes me hate him, the way he treats you. Even if you say you like it.”
“So why didn’t you say something to me?” Shane asks. “In all those years. Why didn’t you even call me on the phone tonight?”
Hayden doesn’t have a good answer to that. He could make a bunch of excuses about how Shane got defensive and he didn’t want to push and a million other things, but the reality is that it’s because he was afraid of the answer.
He was afraid that the answer would be exactly what he’d always seen: that Rozanov was a good man who loved Shane and made him happy. He was afraid he’d have to accept this person he hated as a permanent part of his life.
“I’m sorry,” Hayden says, instead of answering. “I should’ve.”
“Yeah. You should’ve.”
He takes a deep breath in. Lets it out. "But I don't know if I can live with this, Shane. It scares me."
"Okay," Shane says. "You take some time. You think about that. Because this is what I want, and I'm not giving it up for anything."
Hayden spends the long drive home trying to figure out how he feels. And more importantly, how the fuck he’s going to explain all of this to Jackie.
Once Pike is finally gone, Ilya turns to Shane. “Come here, moy lyubimyy.” Shane practically collapses into Ilya’s arms, burying his head in Ilya’s shoulder. “Fuck. Fuck, I hated that so much.”
“I know.” Ilya rubs his back a little, kisses the top of his head. “You were very brave.”
“I’m so mad,” Shane says, with a small, almost tearful laugh.
Ilya winces, where Shane can’t see his face. “As you should be.”
“Yeah. Hayden has just been looking for reasons to hate you for years. I mean, I get why he punched you when he saw you hitting me, honestly, that probably looked pretty bad, but why did he drive here in the middle of the night because I said no to going to a birthday party?”
It takes Ilya a second to process. “You’re mad at Pike?”
“Who else would I be mad at?”
“Me, obviously.”
Shane looks at Ilya like the words simply make no sense. After a long moment of contemplation, he says, “Why would I be mad at you?”
“Because you are private person. No one but me is supposed to see you this way. And I have been so careless that Hayden Pike figured it out? I am sorry.”
“You know perfectly well you’ve never done anything I didn’t want,” Shane says.
“Except let someone figure out, not just that we are together, but that we are together like this. I make the rules, and I made bad ones. Not subtle enough. I leave marks on you, sometimes when others can see them. I am bossing you around in front of your friends, that means I am not treating you right. Is on me, Shane. You know that.”
“Bullshit,” Shane says at once. “That’s bullshit. It’s not all on you, it’s on us together. We both want this, and we both chose it. If anything, the risk is a lot worse for you than it is for me. The worst thing that could happen to me is feeling embarrassed. You got punched in the face, Ilya! If Hayden had called the cops instead, you could have gone to prison.”
Ilya is still roiling with guilt. Yes, this is something they both want, but he’s the one who is supposed to set things up so they work. He’s supposed to make sure it’s safe for Shane, and clearly he has failed. “But must have been so awful for you, milyy. For someone to know…I hate to think of you being shamed like that.”
Ilya is on the verge of saying that maybe they need to stop. Maybe they need to go back to having a normal relationship, to keeping the kinky stuff safely confined to the bedroom. Shane was ashamed enough of just being gay that he hid it from everyone, including himself, for twenty-seven years. Ilya can’t imagine how humiliating it was for him to have to try to explain to his best friend that he’s not just Ilya’s boyfriend, but Ilya’s willing slave.
“Actually, I don’t really care,” Shane says.
Ilya is so surprised he jumps a little.
“I mean, don’t get me wrong, that was super awkward, and I wish our very nice scene hadn’t been interrupted, and again I’m sorry you got punched. But I’m not ashamed that we’ve chosen this for ourselves, Ilya. I’m not going to like, take out a billboard advertising it, because as has just been demonstrated people won’t understand, and I don’t want to make anyone uncomfortable. But I’m not embarrassed of any of it. I’m really proud to be yours.”
Ilya probably shouldn’t start crying. Right? That would be entirely the wrong way to react in this situation. Usually Shane is the one who struggles to find words, but he doesn’t know quite what to say. “I am very proud also, but you know this. Is nothing I am more proud of, not winning three Cups, not anything. If I could brag to the whole world that you choose to belong to me, I would.” He takes Shane’s hand and raises it to his lips, kissing each of his knuckles. “I still hope you will accept apology, that I was careless with keeping our secret. We must have a little less fun together, and be a little more careful.”
“Okay,” Shane says. “A little more careful.”
Ilya laughs. “I promise not to be too careful with you. Is no danger of that.”
“But yeah, a little more careful. Because it could have been worse,” Shane says.
“How could it have been worse?”
“It could have been my mother.”
An icy rush of fear shoots down Ilya’s spine at the idea of Yuna Hollander finding out that Ilya hits her son. “I thought you liked me, Shane.”
“You know I do.” Shane sounds a little confused.
“Then why are you trying to give me heart attack? This is the scariest thing I can imagine.”
“Scarier than my best friend walking in on the middle of a scene?”
“Oh, your mother is scarier than one million Hayden Pikes. Also, we are putting fence around cottage, okay? Big tall fence. Electrified. With barbed wire on top.”
“Or we could just pull the curtains,” Shane suggests.
Ilya is so relieved that he’s joking around, that he seems okay. He had been so worked up all day, and then being interrupted in the middle like that… it was a recipe for subdrop. But Shane is clearly himself, annoyed with Pike and that their evening was interrupted, but otherwise fine. "I am sorry I did not pull the curtains. Will you accept that apology, at least?"
"I will. You are forgiven."
"Thank you. Very magnanimous."
"Wow. Magnanimous."
Ilya leans over and smacks him on the ass, just on the hard side of playful.
"Mm," Shane says. "Are you going to finish punishing me? Speaking of being sorry."
"I think after you heroically rescued me from angry Hayden Pike, all is forgiven. Maybe we just go to bed, and I will hold you." Ilya kisses the top of Shane's head. "Can slap you around more in the morning, if you like."
"If you like," Shane says, and he's smiling.
“Pike. I need to speak with you.”
Oh, great. Hayden has already had his ass handed to him by Shane (themes including: I am a grown man who can take care of myself, if you can’t learn to accept the man I love you are not my friend, respecting people's privacy) and then by Jackie (themes including: this is why you should listen to your brilliant, beautiful wife, why don’t you talk to your best friend instead of trying to solve problems with violence, go sleep on the couch). Now he’s about to get it from Rozanov. It’ll be doubly unpleasant, because he doesn’t want to be told off by very possibly his least favorite dude in the whole world, and he deserves it.
Rozanov is leaning against the doorframe to the kitchen. It’s the first time he and Shane have been over since the incident, half an attempt at an olive branch, half an attempt to just go back to normal. Hayden can hear the sounds from the other room: Jackie and Shane and the kids playing. Rozanov probably won’t break too many of his bones with the kids in the next room, right?
“Yeah,” Hayden says. “I guess we should talk.”
Rozanov walks over to him and Hayden braces himself as he extends a hand. It takes a second before he realizes Rozanov is holding it out for him to shake.
“What.”
“Thank you,” Rozanov says, in a voice that reveals genuine warmth.
“For… punching you in the face?”
“For looking out for my Shane. I am grateful he has a friend who cares for him so much.”
Oh. It’s not the first time Ilya Rozanov has surprised him, but it’s certainly the most he has. Hayden shakes his offered hand. “I am sorry I hit you. And sorry I didn’t, y’know, talk to Shane first. I shouldn’t have just shown up like that.”
“You should not,” Rozanov—Ilya—agrees, “but I think you have learned importance of respecting our privacy now, yes?”
“I sure have.” There are things that Hayden has seen that he will never be able to unsee.
“I also owe you an apology. Will be making the tour with this one.” Ilya clears his throat. “Shane and I… since we start this, we are both, how should I say it, tied up in one another.”
“Please do not tell me any more about your sex life than I have already been forced to learn, Rozanov.”
“I do not mean like that. Well, maybe a little like that. What I mean is, we are very very happy, together, like this.”
“I do believe that now. I don’t, like, understand it, but I do believe it,” Hayden says, and it’s true.
“We are so happy when we are like this and we only get it so rarely that is too easy to forget is not the only thing that matters. I have let it make me selfish. Spend all our time off just the two of us. This is not right. Is also important that Shane has you, and Jackie, and your kids in his life.”
“I get that it’s not on you,” Hayden says, because he does. He does actually believe that Rozanov isn’t keeping Shane chained to the bed unless Shane, like, wants to be there. If Shane and Hayden are drifting apart now that Shane is in a relationship, that’s probably normal and okay and even good, even if the relationship is a weird one. And even if it makes Hayden sad. He doesn’t really want Shane to be the third wheel for him and Jackie forever.
“No, it is,” Rozanov says easily. “Shane lets me choose for him. This is… I will spare you the details. But is up to me to make good choices. Always putting our relationship first, before other people in his life, this is not a good choice. Will be different, going forward.”
In that moment, Hayden like, almost gets it. Rozanov is so confident in assuming all the responsibility. Hayden has been married for long enough to know that’s not usually how relationships work. Almost all of the fights he and Jackie have are about whose fault something was. Who had forgotten to make sure Ruby had her favorite stuffed animal for a weekend at grandma’s? Had Hayden forgotten the eggs at the grocery store, or had Jackie not put them on the list? Which one of them, exactly, had decided they were gonna have another fucking kid?
Shane and Rozanov don’t have those fights. When something goes wrong, Rozanov takes responsibility, like he’s doing now, and he fixes it. That sounds almost… nice.
On the other hand, there’s also all the weird, gross sex stuff. Not a great trade-off.
“And thank you again,” Rozanov says, “For looking out for Shane. I hope you always will, if you think I am not being good to him. Although next time maybe talking first, punching only as needed?”
Hayden wants to chirp at him, but he doesn’t. All he says is, “I can do that.”