Chapter Text
Sophie had waited all her life to be kidnapped. She had poured over every Sarah J. Maas book, every MonsterTok romance, every book that was recommended to her on BookTok, for tonight, as other teens dreamt of crusty discord mods, Sophie dreamt of hot men. She had arrived in a fancy mansion to find a hundred other men, and no girls in sight. All of them were well over six feet, with ten-packs and veins bulging out of their arms. But, there was one who caught Sophie’s eye - a man with white hair and blue eyes. He resembled Edward, the original monster romance love interest. Just as Sophie reached him, a loud banging sound was heard and she opened her eyes to find her father nailing bars over her window. “Father, if I don’t sleep for nine hours, I look chopped.” She said, but due to the LED skincare serial killer mask over her face, her words came out muffled and she looked demonic.
“Everyone’s saying you’ll be taken this year.” Stefan said as he nailed another bar. “Don’t know why, though. If it’s a real E-Girl that School Master wants, he’ll take Gunilda’s daughter.”
Sophie tensed. “Belle?”
“Real charmer that one is. Earns at least a hundred dollars in donations everyday, and hosts charity streams for the local hobo.”
Though her face couldn’t be seen, Sophie was frowning. The donations came from watching Belle play gooner games, and the hobo, despite claiming to be poor, owned an extensive body pillow collection of Belle.
Belle was not an E-Girl, but the worst kind of Gooner.
With a roll of her eyes, Sophie yanked off the mask and hurried to the bathroom. Ten hours passed until her skincare routine was done. She left the house in her best cat ears and maid dress, and carried a whimsical little picnic basket with her.
Sophie walked to 1 Graves Hill. Empty Monster energy cans littered the porch. Sophie rang the doorbell. “Agathy honey, let me in!”
“Go away.” Came the gruff reply she heard from the other side.
“Come on, that’s no way to talk to your best friend.” Sophie cooed.
“You’re not my best friend.”
“Then who is?” Sophie asked, worried if Belle had come to see Agatha. The thought caused Sophie’s mouth to twist with jealousy. No one comes near my kitten, she thought. She was about to ring the doorbell when she was suddenly stopped by a repugnant aura emanating from the house.
“Agatha, what’s going on?” Sophie asked.
“I’m booting up League of Legends.” Agatha replied, to which Sophie almost dropped her basket in horror. “L- League of Legends?” Sophie gasped. “What?! Agatha, darling, no! This isn’t you!”
“Yeah, you’re right. Even I have standards.” The door swung open to reveal Agatha, the local goth girl. Hair a black oily dome, skin completely pale from lack of sunlight, Agatha could not have looked crustier. She was dressed in a black potato sack of a dress with Cheeto dust and energy drink stains on it. Sophie was careful not to get too close, but that didn’t stop her from excitedly taking Agatha’s hand. “Let’s go, babe!” The two headed off to the town square as Agatha wondered if it was normal for girls to call each other babe.
The girls wandered into the town square. Agatha wanted to buy more energy drinks and Sophie wanted to buy the Collector’s Edition of Breeding with Bigfoot, but they were stopped by a few homophobic peasants.
“Ew! Looks like the Basement Dweller finally left her cave!” One of them jeered. He had a low taper fade and a scraggly ass moustache.
“And it looks like she’s got her girlfriend with her too!” A second peasant, this one with a bowl cut, added. “Can’t believe I used to goon to her streams.”
“She’s a loser, you guys should watch my streams instead.” They all turned to find Belle, dressed in an unwashed graphic tee and holding a rose toy.
Sophie scowled. Belle was not a true E-Girl, she was a gooner through and through. “Yeah, go ahead.” She said, “Watch that mediocre hoe’s streams any day you want. I don’t want chuds in my fanbase.” and with a few taps of her phone, she doxxed all three and left with Agatha.
As Sophie and Agatha began to head home, Agatha thought about what Sophie had said. “I don’t want chuds in my fanbase.” Did that mean that Sophie didn’t want her? 'I mean look at me,' Agatha thought, 'I have no friends except for Sophie, all I do is yap about my interests and I can’t be bothered to have a skincare routine! Does that mean… I’m a chud?'
“Hey, Sophie?” Agatha suddenly came to a halt. “When you said that you didn’t want any chuds in your fanbase, did that also include… me?”
Sophie did a double take. “What?! Of course not, darling! You’re my number one fan, even if you’re lowkey a brokie. I’ll always want you in my fanbase!” Her hand suddenly clasped Agatha’s. “I don’t care what those crusty ass bitches say. You’re not a chud to me, Agatha. In fact… you’re… kind of a Chad.” She looked away, blushing.
Agatha smiled. “Aw, thanks Sophie! You really are a great friend!”
“Wha- Agatha, I just-”
“Hey, the sun’s setting! We should probably head home.”
The two girls parted ways and Sophie walked home in stunned silence.
That night, Agatha had just settled into bed and was having a dream where Sophie was giving her a massage ('Huh, we must be really good friends,' thought Agatha) when she had a bad feeling and woke up. Her eyes landed on her trunk, which was packed with stained shirts, anime merchandise, lotion and a box of tissues – because despite Agatha’s insistence she was not a gooner, her sexy, Baddielicious, absolute HOTTIE of a mother, Callis, had packed her stuff anyway.
Agatha looked out a window. A hunched shadow looked back. In just a second, it was racing to Gavalcum and Agatha raced out of her house. It was going after Sophie! Villagers barely had time to react when Sophie was dragged out of her house, grinning like it was her wedding.
“I’m gonna be an E-Girl!” She exclaimed. As she passed Belle, she gave her the middle finger. “Haha noob, I got picked and not you!”
“Sophie I’m coming!” Agatha sprinted faster than Usain Bolt. Sophie’s eyes widened with horror.
“Agatha, no-!” She was suddenly tackled and any fury that Sophie might have felt was erased by the homoerotic tension that came from Agatha being on top of her.
“Um…” Sophie met Agatha’s eyes with a blush. In the darkness, she faintly saw a similar flush on Agatha’s neck. “I have something to tell you.”
“Yeah?” The goth girl knew she should move, but for some reason, she couldn’t. The sight of Sophie blushing below her was too enrapturing. But before Sophie could say anything, a boneless homophobic bird suddenly came down from the treetops and carried them off.
“Could you not?!” Sophie yelled as the bird flew through a thunderstorm.
“What did you want to tell me?” Agatha shouted over the din.
“Nothing!”
Eventually, the clouds parted and the bird soared over two castles - one was aesthetic and pink and shit, while the other was black and ugly (this was not racially motivated).
“Oh my god it’s real,” Agatha gasped, “The School for Goons and E-Girls.”
The bird circled the School for E-Girls, before promptly dropping Agatha.
“What the fuck?!” Sophie started clawing at the bird’s bones. “You’re supposed to drop me, not her!”
“Haha get reckt bitch.” The bird then flew to the School for Goons and dumped Sophie into a moat of cum.