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***
“The deepest wounds are
often the ones we hide.”
— Stephen King
***
Eddie
The silence had spread through the car and settled into every corner of it. Sometimes silence was a good thing, but right now it felt crushing. It worked its way through Eddie and made his heart pick up that uneasy rhythm it always picked up whenever something bad was hanging in the air. Like thunder rumbling far away… when the clouds rolled together into a black wall and swallowed up all the light… and the air itself crackled with energy. Yeah, it felt like that somehow.
Eddie hated it when Buck went this quiet… when he retreated to that small, dark place inside himself and didn’t let anyone near his thoughts. Maybe not even himself.
Eddie tore his eyes off the road and glanced over at Buck. His face was covered in scratches. His shoulder and head rested against the car door, and his gaze was fixed somewhere Eddie couldn’t see. The way Buck’s jaw locked told Eddie all too clearly that he was shutting his feelings away, hiding them behind thick walls like some wild animal.
“Should I pull over at the next truck stop so you can stretch your legs?” Eddie’s voice was soft and calm.
It took Buck a second to come back to himself. He blinked at Eddie, faintly confused. “Sorry, Eddie… I… I was dr-dreaming. What did you say?”
“There’s a truck stop in two miles. We can pull over, get some coffee… something to eat, and you can walk around for a few minutes. We’ve been driving for almost two hours…”
“Uh… yeah.” Buck nodded. “Yeah, you’re right, I… I wasn’t even paying attention to the time…”
Eddie gave him a tentative smile.
After all these years… after all this time, Eddie still didn’t know how to get Buck to talk. He’d tried a few times, but most of the time it ended in a fight. Not because Buck got loud, but because he went quiet, and that set off a whole chain reaction. Eddie got uneasy, and uncertainty made Eddie loud. Loud and, more often than not, unfair.
The truck stop parking lot was surprisingly empty. In the shaded spaces, a handful of semis were parked in the shade. A family van with a World’s Best Soccer Mom sticker sat in the full glare of the sun. A sticker that suggested one thing, at least: a happy, normal family. But the parents were standing beside the van, arms flying as they argued in heated bursts. The little girl was crying, tugging at her mother’s sleeve and complaining through bitter tears. Her older brother shifted nervously from foot to foot, clutching his soccer ball to his chest like a shield.
Eddie drove past them and parked behind a truck in the shade.
“Ready?” He looked at Buck with raised eyebrows and a broad smile, then reached for the door handle.
Buck nodded silently and gave a low groan as he hauled himself out of the car. Eddie automatically put a hand over his ribs, bracing for the pain, and got out too.
“You parked pretty far away.” Buck squinted at him, a faint smile tugging at his mouth.
“Doctor’s orders… every two hours, you’re supposed to move around for five to ten minutes.”
***
Buck
Buck could feel Eddie watching him.
He wanted to function… really, he did.
If only so Eddie would stop looking at him like that.
But functioning wasn’t working anymore.
His thoughts kept slipping away, dragging him back to that room, back to Bonnie whispering beside his… no… beside Derek’s bed, calling him by a name that wasn’t his.
Buck still didn’t know what was worse.
The model airplane circling blurred over his… no… Derek’s bed when he woke up in that crazy kid’s room…
The pain… and the pounding in his head because he couldn’t make sense of what was happening… because everything was so wrong and twisted.
Or was it Bonnie, moving through the room like it was all perfectly normal, trapped in her memories… in her grief… in the belief that he was Derek. Taking his clothes, piece by piece—stripping away everything that still connected him to who he really was.
Was it the bars on the windows and doors that turned the whole house into a cage, out in the desert, out in the middle of nowhere…
Or was it the fear for Eddie?
Because something had to have happened for Buck to be here—hurt and disoriented—and Eddie not to be.
Okay—stop.
But Eddie wasn’t supposed to be there either.
Not at all.
Still, not knowing whether Eddie was alive was unbearable.
Buck blinked. Pulled himself out of the spiral and looked at Eddie.
His hand was braced protectively over his ribs, he was limping, and his face…
Stop.
His thoughts were spiraling again. Buck drew in a deep breath, as deep as his broken ribs would allow, and forced himself to focus on the most important thing.
Eddie was alive.
He’d be back with Chris.
Chris wouldn’t be alone.
Buck was already on the verge of drifting off again, and that was getting exhausting.
Eddie opened the diner door and the smell of fried sausages and toast hit Buck hard, sinking into his nose and sending a wave of nausea through his body.
“You okay? We can go somewhere else.” Eddie’s voice pulled him gently out of his thoughts, and only then did Buck realize he’d stopped right in the doorway.
“Yeah… I’m okay. I… I’m just not hungry.”
“We can keep driving… really.”
“It’s okay, Eddie. You need to eat. I… I…” His heart picked up in an unnatural way and Buck focused on keeping the trembling in his hands from spreading through the rest of his body. “When we… I just don’t have an appetite…”
The door burst open.
The son of the World’s Best Soccer Mom stormed into the diner, bumped into Buck’s shoulder, raced to an empty table by the window, and threw himself onto the bench.
A second later, the door opened again and the rest of the family flooded in like a loud, crashing wave. By now the parents’ argument had turned into a full-blown fight, and the little girl was crying even harder than before.
The air felt thin and heavy at the same time, so heavy that Buck could barely get enough oxygen into his lungs.
“I’m serious.” Eddie’s hand appeared out of nowhere and made Buck jump. “We can also just get something to go and eat in the car if you don’t like it here.”
“No—n-no, I’m okay.”
Buck sat down.
Bonnie had worked in a diner too… had fried sausages… made scrambled eggs… had told him his appetite was good.
Should he have realized it then?!
“You should eat too, Buck.”
Eddie’s voice cut through the memory and made Buck flinch. He drew in a shaky breath and stared, confused, at the food sitting in front of him on the table.
Since when…?
He hadn’t even noticed Eddie had ordered anything, let alone that it had already been served.
Thoughtfully, his brow furrowed.
The family’s fight kept getting louder, and the little girl’s crying now filled the whole diner. The father’s voice was loud and forceful. “Can you at least apologize to your sister?!”
“He already apologized. Leave him alone.” The mother’s voice was almost hysterical.
Buck focused on a crumb sitting in front of him on the table and carefully pushed it to the side. The noise was unbearable. He kept his attention on the crumb and moved it to the other side of the table.
“Apparently not properly… Clara’s still crying.”
Why did they have to fight so loud?
“Derek…” The woman’s voice cut through his thoughts like a knife.
“I’m not Derek.”
The words were out of his mouth before he even realized it.
“What?” Eddie had stopped chewing and was staring at Buck in shock.
“I… uh… I… can we please go to the car?”
“You need to eat, Buck.” Eddie’s voice was worried now.
“Please, Eddie. I just want out of here. I need some fresh air… I’ll do whatever you want… You want me to eat? Okay… I’ll eat. But please let’s go. Please.”
Buck couldn’t read Eddie’s face.
Was it worry?
Was it fear?
He didn’t know.
All he knew was that he would never be Derek again.
***
Eddie
Okay…
Buck was definitely on the verge of a panic attack. His breathing had already changed, visibly. He was shaking… and—
Hastily, Eddie pulled fifty dollars out of his pocket, tossed the bills onto the table, and grabbed the sandwich he’d ordered for Buck.
Fifty dollars for two sandwiches and two coffees… at least the waitress was going to be happy about the tip today.
“Let’s get out of here.” He laid a careful hand on Buck’s shoulder and gently steered him toward the door.
The husband of the World’s Best Soccer Mom broke off in the middle of his loud rant. He looked at Eddie and Buck with obvious disapproval, then leaned toward his wife and murmured something in her direction, nodding toward them. Whatever he said, it clearly wasn’t kind, but at least it interrupted their fight and sent their attention in a different direction.
Eddie didn’t feel like getting involved with that family in his head. He needed to get Buck home… not just physically. The name Derek had triggered something in Buck. Had shattered his defenses and shoved him into a memory that left every muscle in his body locked tight.
God, he needed to find a way to get Buck to talk about what had happened to him.
Eddie eased the truck into traffic on the highway and stayed in the right lane.
“I didn’t know where you were.” Eddie’s voice was quiet, and he was surprised to realize the words felt right. He glanced over at Buck, uncertain.
“After the crash… I didn’t know where you were. The hospital bed next to me was empty, and you weren’t there.”
Buck blinked nervously. “I’m sorry.”
“No… no, that’s not what I mean.” Eddie’s heart stumbled. “You know… the doctor was there… and he… he didn’t know about you. He said I’d been alone in the car… just me, nobody else… and for a second I thought… well… I thought I’d lost my mind. You were gone, and the doctor was acting like you were just someone I’d imagined. Because I had a concussion.”
Eddie drew in a slow breath.
“And then the sheriff thought I’d murdered you… because of the fight in the diner.”
Buck knitted his brows and looked at Eddie in alarm.
“I…” Buck fell silent, then started again. “The fight was stupid… it isn’t fair that you got in trouble because of it. I shouldn’t have raised my voice like that.”
That was more than three words.
That was a start, wasn’t it?
At least he was talking…
Eddie thought hard. He couldn’t push now… that would only go wrong again. He drew in a careful breath and tried to keep his voice light.
“The sheriff had a deputy posted outside so I wouldn’t run…”
Eddie lifted an eyebrow and looked at Buck. Sunlight came through the side window, sharply outlining Buck’s features. It traced every curl, brought out the stubble on his jaw, and made his eyes look almost unnaturally blue.
Eddie’s heart slipped out of rhythm… as it had so often lately… as it always did when he looked at Buck…
He shoved the thought aside, pushed it away from him… as he had so many times lately.
He tore his gaze from Buck and gathered his thoughts again.
“I stole the clothes off the poor guy next to me and climbed out through the window… but hey… Athena said I should do it.”
“Why?”
“So I could come find you. Buck, I… we thought that— I don’t even know what I thought. I was afraid those guys from the diner had done something to you… Maddie thought you were wandering around the desert hurt and disoriented… Thena was trying to convince the sheriff that I hadn’t murdered you…” Eddie stole a nervous glance at Buck.
During the FaceTime call with Maddie, Buck had seemed so… frighteningly normal. As if, yes, they’d just been on a picnic. As if they’d taken a fun little outing and nothing in his behavior had given away what was really going on inside him, what was raging beneath the surface…
Maybe it was only now that Eddie was truly realizing how good Buck was at hiding his feelings. And how important it was that he open up, so he didn’t break apart.
“Buck?” Eddie’s voice was soft. “Can I ask you something?”
Buck looked up and seemed so vulnerable that Eddie averted his eyes, suddenly unsure.
“Sure.”
“Who is Derek?” Eddie kept his voice calm… careful even… but the shadow dropped over Buck immediately.
***
Buck
Bonnie loomed over him like a demon, pressed the cattle prod against his thigh… and sent another 6,000 volts tearing through his body.
Buck’s muscles locked up, screaming in pain and shattering his thoughts into fragments. He had always believed he could handle pain. But this was different… maybe because his body was already at its limit… or maybe because his mind was. His ribs felt broken—at least that’s what it felt like—and fever and dehydration made his thoughts drift, while the rest of his body felt wrecked, battered, destroyed.
Bonnie didn’t ask for much… just that he agree to be Derek.
Was that really so bad?
Bonnie would take the damn cattle prod off his body and he could finally breathe again…
He would still be Buck, though. Wouldn’t he?
So it was easy to make the pain stop.
What was wrong with that?
It was okay to be Derek…
Wasn’t it?
It wasn’t forever…
It was just a game…
“I’m Derek.”
His voice felt startlingly real as it left his throat. Reality yanked him back into the car in a rush, back beside Eddie, and he gasped for air.
Damn it.
Eddie was staring at him.
That look. A mix of shock, worry… or whatever else was reflected in Eddie’s brown eyes right now. Buck didn’t want to be responsible for that. He jerked his gaze away, searching for the timer and feeling grateful when he realized it was time for a break again.
“Uh… we… it’s… the timer. Doctor’s orders.”
“I’m going to stop at the next truck stop.” Eddie’s voice had that soft tone it used to get whenever Chris was sick and Eddie spoke to him. “Listen, Buck… I’m really not good at this kind of thing… but please talk to me. You shouldn’t have to deal with what Bonnie did to you on your own. I can’t take away the memory… and I can’t undo what happened. But I can listen, and I can be here for you. You’re not alone… I’m here.”
“It’s… it’s okay, Eddie. I’m fine… I… I think the medication is making me tired and confused. The doctors put me on some pretty strong pain meds… and something for the fever… and… no idea what else they pumped into me so I could make this drive. I think that’s all it is… don’t worry about me… I’m not going to add another tragedy in the story of Evan Buckley.”
“What list?” Eddie looked at him, confused.
“The trials and tribulations of Evan Buckley, a tragedy in ninety-seven acts. It was never my intention…”
“Buck—stop.” Eddie looked at him, frustrated, and pulled into the truck stop, shutting the engine off. “That was stupid of me to say… and… I… I didn’t think it would hit you like that.”
“It’s okay, Eddie… I don’t want to be a burden. You wanted me to eat, so let’s eat.”
“Are you hungry now?”
“That’s not the point… if you want me to be hungry, I am…” Buck’s voice cracked.
Eddie stilled. “I climbed out of a hospital window and ran from the police. I rode a horse to that diner to get any clue I could about what happened to you. I gave a stranger my phone number just so she’d tell me the name of the server who waited on us… then I bought that rust bucket and drove thirty miles through the desert so I could talk to somebody who would help me find you. I didn’t know where you were, Buck… I didn’t know if you were still alive… I didn’t know if I’d ever see you again… I only knew I would never stop looking for you… and I would never in my life force you to do something you didn’t want to do. I might ask you to, if it’s something important to you… like eating, but even then I won’t force you. Never.”
Buck drew in a shaky breath and his heart stumbled painfully in his chest. “Thank you.”
“So, what’s your plan? We sit in here and you eat a little something, or we take a walk and then keep driving… after I get a coffee, of course.”
“I’m still not hungry.”
“Fine… the drive is still long. We have to stop twice more to take breaks. You can eat later.”
“Is it really that important?”
“You tell me. I’m guessing the last time you ate was when we were sitting in that diner together.” Eddie looked at him pointedly.
“You might be right. Eddie?”
Eddie raised his eyebrows and looked at him. “Do you think I should’ve noticed something? I mean at the diner, when Bonnie was serving us. Was she already acting weird?”
“Everything was weird in that diner.” Eddie drew in a deep breath. “I didn’t suspect Bonnie at all.”
Buck opened the car door and climbed in.
***
Eddie
“You gave a stranger your phone number?” Buck looked at him suspiciously.
“Well… maybe it wasn’t exactly my number that I gave her.” Eddie forced a grin.
Buck shook his head, and the ghost of a smile touched the corner of his mouth… it lasted only a second before fading just as quickly as it had come. Buck dropped his gaze and stared down at his feet. “They put a kids’ pajama set on me while I was unconscious… that’s crazy, right?” His voice had dropped to little more than a whisper under his breath.
Eddie nodded silently. He didn’t want to push Buck… or stop him by interrupting. So he turned his eyes back to the road and waited.
“She thought I was Derek… she acted like I was her kid… Eddie… I could see the madness in her eyes… and it really scared me… she believed I was Derek… and she didn’t tell me what happened to you. She just acted like you didn’t exist… like I was the one who was confused… there were bars on everything… I couldn’t get out.”
“What happened to Derek? The real one, I mean. Do you know?”
“Derek had a bad motorcycle accident and… they’re keeping his body alive on machines, even though Derek died years ago… I saw him, Eddie… and it’s terrifying how much we look alike. She wanted me to be him so badly… wanted her son back…” Buck lifted his head and looked at Eddie with a pained expression. “She had that cattle prod…”
“The one you had when you got loose?”
Buck nodded silently.
“Did she use it on you?”
Another silent nod. “But that’s not the point, Eddie… It’s… I don’t know… everything’s all mixed up. I don’t understand any of it…”
“How many times did she use the cattle prod?” Eddie’s pulse picked up. He hated the thought of Buck having been at that woman’s mercy.
“I don’t know… two or three times… that’s not important… they’d done it before. They’d had other Dereks before they take me.”
Eddie went still.
“They were all wrong… they weren’t right… just like me… I wasn’t right either.”
“What happened to the others?” Eddie wasn’t sure he wanted to hear the answer.
“I don’t know, but out in the middle of nowhere, no one hears you scream… I think that’s probably what happened.”
“You said you weren’t right either. Why?”
“Because I… I… I pretended to be Derek. I dressed like him and I called Bonnie ‘Mom’… I didn’t want to hurt her, really I didn’t… I told her that. I took the key from her and locked her in that crazy little kid’s room. Then I tried to get out… but all the windows and doors had bars on them… and then I found him. I found Derek… and… the next thing I remember is that they had me tied up in that barn, and they were talking about what they were going to do with me now… like I wasn’t even there.”
“What were they planning to do?”
“That doesn’t matter, Eddie… but then all of a sudden we heard your voice and… Bonnie was really worried and I…”
Buck broke off, seeming to sort through a few thoughts before going on. “I think you saved me.”
“I think we saved each other. Bonnie’s husband would’ve shot me if you hadn’t been there.”
***
Buck
The pain stubbornly crawled through his whole body. Buck closed his eyes, drew in a deep breath, shook an oxycodone tablet into his hand, and swallowed it with a sip of water.
It was the first time he’d ever been prescribed something this strong.
Buck caught his reflection in the restroom mirror, splashed some water on his face, and waited. How long would it take before the pain eased?
He threw another splash of water on his face, dried himself off quickly with a paper towel, and headed back to the diner.
The food was already out and waiting on the table. Buck wasn’t even sure he was hungry… but he knew Eddie wasn’t going to back down until he finally ate something.
“I ordered you a Hawaiian pizza.” Eddie smiled at him.
“You know what I like…”
“Yeah… pizza that isn’t really pizza. Any Italian would have your head. Pineapple doesn’t belong on pizza.”
Buck felt, with obvious relief, the pain slowly start to recede. The medication was definitely kicking in now—dulling the edges, softening everything just slightly, like the world was being wrapped in cotton.
And then it shifted.
Not just relief anymore.
There was a strange lightness spreading through him, unearned and slightly unreal, like his thoughts were drifting just a little too far away from where they should’ve been. The fear loosened its grip, but so did everything else—concern, tension, even the weight of what had just happened.
Buck drew in another slow breath… yeah.
He felt good.
Too good.
Freer, somehow, in a way that didn’t quite match the situation.
He blinked at Eddie’s disgusted face as he took a bite of pizza and let out a quiet, almost absent laugh.
Yeah… somehow, there was a little sunshine back in his life again—and it didn’t feel entirely like it belonged to him.