Chapter Text
Ratthi had been insistent that Gurathin would like his new friend Marek, and Gurathin could admit he understood why, but stars, this date was dragging on. Marek was... fine, he was fine, but it was becoming increasingly clear that the man was significantly more interested than he was. Gurathin rather suspected that Marek had been the one to put the idea in Ratthi's head.
Marek was a self-described “Rim Expat” and seemed relieved to have someone else to discuss the culture shock of moving to Preservation with, but his circumstances – both in the Rim and upon arrival to Preservation – were so different that Gurathin found he could only make the shallowest small talk. Not that Marek seemed to mind. He’d happily carried the conversation on his own. For hours. Gurathin wasn’t worried yet, but there was a niggly feeling starting to creep into the back of his mind that he was going to have to find a way to end this at some point. Before he could think too much of it, he pinged SecUnit. Are you around? Nothing’s wrong, but I might appreciate an excuse to leave at some point. Probably for nothing, but precaution never harmed anyone.
Gurathin had actually gotten dressed up for this. He’d done winged eyeliner. What a waste.
A response from SecUnit popped up in his feed.
Nothing’s wrong? It read. Gurathin opened the attached file to find a picture of himself, seated at the table across from Marek, chin in his palm, looking entirely checked out. Well, shit. If even SecUnit could tell he was bored, then clearly it was time to start making his excuses and heading home.
In response, Gurathin pulled a memory clip of Marek’s most recent failed attempt at a joke from his short-term storage and sent it back to SecUnit. Then he made a short gesture like he was activating his augments – entirely unnecessary, but Marek wouldn’t know that – and gently interjected into the conversation.
“Ah, I didn’t realize how late it was getting,” he said. “I’ve got an early appointment tomorrow. It’s been lovely meeting you, but I think it’s time for me to take my leave.”
Marek fixed him with a glowing smile. “I hadn’t even noticed! I’ll walk you home.”
Gurathin suppressed a grimace. “That’s alright, you don’t have–”
Marek waved a hand at him and started gathering his bag. “No, no, I insist! Lead the way!”
Gurathin stood and started making his way back to his apartment, accompanied by Marek, who continued chattering at him. He was walking close enough to bump Gurathin’s shoulder with his own every few steps. Gurathin opened and closed his feed link with SecUnit twice. He didn’t need to involve it – he was overthinking this.
“Are you alright?” Gurathin asked with carefully feigned concern, placing a hand on Marek's shoulder to steady him although the bumping was clearly intentional.
Marek beamed at him. “Never better!”
Great. So much for subtlety.
Another message from SecUnit: Need help?
Stars, Gurathin did not want to consider what SecUnit’s idea of help meant in this situation.
Does ending an awkward date fall under your purview? he replied.
I have some operational experience with it.
Gurathin did not want to know what that meant. Noted.
It was a relief to come to his door, but far less of one when Marek reached into his bag and pulled out a bottle with a wink.
“Nightcap?” he asked.
Gurathin sighed. “I think not. I really do have to be up early tomorrow.”
“Oh, just one! It’s cannabinoid, it’ll help you sleep. You’ll be well rested for your meeting tomorrow.”
Gurathin offered him a flat smile and swiped his door open. “I really can’t –”
Marek breezed past him into his apartment. Gurathin’s smile dropped. “Nonsense, just one won’t – oh!”
Gurathin followed him in and saw he’d frozen in the entry to his living room, staring wide-eyed at SecUnit, who stood dead still in the middle of the semi-open space, unblinking gaze fixed on a point just above their heads.
“Hello, Dr. Gurathin,” it said pleasantly.
Gurathin groaned internally. “Hello, SecUnit. What are you doing in my apartment?”
“You have a SecUnit?” Marek hissed.
“No, it’s not ‘mine,’” Gurathin said, rolling his eyes. “Constructs are independent citizens on Preservation. They’re ungoverned and self-determining.” He remembered his initial terror at discovering Murderbot was rogue, and took some petty satisfaction in watching Marek take two quick steps back.
“I was simply ensuring your safe return home,” SecUnit replied in the same conversational tone.
“Yes, well, here I am,” Gurathin said. Well, if it was here anyway, might as well make use of it. “Marek, it was nice to meet you. Will you be able to get home on your own?”
“I – yes, of course. I’ll… message you. Later.” Marek mumbled, turning to the door with transparent haste.
Gurathin watched him leave with no small amount of relief. When he turned back to SecUnit, it had shifted out of its stiff posture and was smiling ever so faintly.
“Now if I recall correctly, I didn’t actually ask you to intervene,” Gurathin said, going to his kitchen to make himself a cup of herbal tea. He needed it after that date.
“You didn’t have to. It’s my job to identify potential threats and intervene early, sometimes before my clients know they are in danger.”
“And he was a threat?”
“Yes.”
Gurathin gave SecUnit a skeptical look. It wasn’t looking at him, but he knew it saw all the same.
"He was behaving in a manner that violates accepted Preservation social norms for interacting with potential romantic partners,” it said. “I don't think you should go on any more of these dates with strangers if you can’t assess the risks."
Gurathin’s relief at being rid of his date was quickly souring under SecUnit’s attitude. "Marek isn't a stranger – Ratthi introduced us and vouched for him."
“Ratthi deserves better friends. And you deserve a potential romantic partner who respects you enough to leave you alone when you clearly aren’t interested. If that’s the result, then maybe you just shouldn't go on any more of these dates at all." A drone floated closer to him; it and SecUnit paused before, "What are you wearing?"
Gurathin hadn’t exactly been planning on going on more dates. He’d hardly dated at all since coming to Preservation, and he’d had no plans of changing that. But being told he shouldn’t rankled him, as did the reminder of his wasted sartorial effort.
"What business of yours is it whether or not I date?" He asked waspishly. “Or what I wear?”
“It’s a security concern.”
“My clothes are a security concern?” When Secunit didn’t reply, Gurathin sighed. “Right. Well. Good thing I’m changing then.”
“No.”
“No?” Gurathin repeated. He’d been… happy to see it at first. It had acted a bit overbearing, yes, but that was SecUnit, that was how it showed it cared. He understood that. Oh, how he understood. Gurathin's quips had been teasing, his annoyance still… affectionate, but he felt raw and awkward, and it was being an asshole.
“It’s…” SecUnit trailed off and switched to the feed. I’ve never seen you dress like this before. You look. Different.
Gurathin rolled his eyes and walked past SecUnit into his bedroom. A drone zipped in ahead of him, made a rapid circle of the room, and then settled nearby as he started looking for something more comfortable to wear.
“Good different or bad different?” he muttered. Marek had been, in Gurathin’s opinion, somewhat underdressed for a first date, and the whole experience had left him feeling a little tender.
Just different.
Of course it caught that.
“Save an image, then. I won’t be wearing this next time I try to date.” He knew he was being snarky. He pulled a soft sweater that Farai had knitted him and Arada had mended, and a pair of comfortable swishy sleep pants.
“Next time?”
Gurathin flinched – its voice coming from right behind him, he hadn’t realised it had followed him into the room.
“Dating strangers is not safe. I can’t let you put yourself at risk.”
“You can’t let me?” Gurathin turned and made very deliberate eye contact. If he’s uncomfortable, he figures they should both be. “Is Ratthi also not allowed to date? Pin-Lee? Arada and Overse, who cycle through crazy ex-thirds like they’re going out of style? Or is it just me you deem too stupid to handle myself?”
You’re not stupid, you’re–
A confused mix of anger and hurt rushed through Gurathin. He didn’t even want this; he was arguing with SecUnit about something he wasn't even interested in. But it was the principle now. The freedom. Why would it care? Why specifically him?
I’m what?
“You’re not stupid, but your situation has changed.”
Gurathin narrowed his eyes. It wasn’t making sense, it was hiding something from him, and his own instincts to ferret out the truth were kicking into high gear. After the night he’d had, he felt he deserved something genuine.
“How has my situation changed, SecUnit?”
It couldn’t maintain eye contact and looked away. “You aren’t in the same position as the others. Your history, your actions – they could lead to you being targeted by the company at any point.”
Gurathin huffed, humourless. “You don’t think I know that? You don’t think I wake up every day wondering if this is the day my past catches up with me, that my borrowed time ends? You don’t think that I vet every new person who comes into my orbit, including that admittedly obnoxious man you so kindly ran off for me? My situation hasn’t changed in almost seven years, and neither have my own security protocols, thank you.”
“Your situation changed when you stole me back from them”.
Something in Gurathin’s chest tightened. They don’t talk about that. It’s too… intimate, too dangerous, too close to something he knows he can’t tell it. “Worth the risk,” he said softly.
It frowned. “But then why date if you know the risks you’ve incurred?” it asked, sounding frustrated and a bit lost.
“Because I am sick and tired of being so goddamned afraid all the time!” He shouted, realising that oh, that’s true. “I’m alive, SecUnit, I’m alive when I absolutely should not be. Every day in this place is a gift I do not deserve but that I am trying very, very hard to appreciate anyway, because too many people risked too much to make sure I’m here today, including you. Maybe the company will come for me one day. Maybe my borrowed time will run out someday soon, and when it does–“
All at once, he found himself backed into a corner, SecUnit gripping his shoulders, boxing him in. “That’s not going to happen,” it growled, and stars above, Gurathin shivered. “Not while I’m here to protect you.”
“Then why? If you’re going to protect me, why not afford me the room to make innocent, safe mistakes?” Gurathin abruptly lost steam, his anger and indignation petering into something choked. He felt his eyes watering, the heat making him want to wipe at them furiously before a tear could actually fall. "I've spent years now being safe – when I was escaping the CR, I thought that would be enough. Just to wake up and know that I'm free, to enjoy whatever time I could have out here on my own. But now, I've seen Ratthi, and Pin-Lee, and Arada, and… and Mensah, and I want what they have – companionship, partners, families. If you want to call that greed, selfishness, or jealousy, fine; it probably is. And maybe I'm not allowed to want that after everything, but… I can't help it."
And he knew, he knew that the one person he wanted that with so badly didn't want it with him. He wouldn't say that part. He would just keep going on these stupid, awkward, miserable dates in the hope that there was someone else out there who could fill even a portion of the SecUnit-shaped void that's been permanently carved into him, ever since he carried it back in his own augments.
He felt SecUnit’s thumb move on his shoulder – unlike it, he thought distantly, usually so controlled, so still. This… wasn’t the first moment between them that had felt like this. Tense. Fragile. Charged. That had been when it had left them on Port FreeCommerce, but there had been more since it came back, moments when something vast and unspoken seemed to be between the two of them. Each time, they shied away from the edge.
It was still gripping his shoulders, holding him against the wall. This was the first time it had laid hands on him since the survey. He wasn’t scared as he'd been then.
“I don’t want you to feel lonely,” it said softly. “I just want you safe. You weren’t feeling safe earlier, I could tell.”
Gurathin felt safe now. Could it still tell? He nodded his acknowledgement. “You’re right. I wasn’t. Thank you for helping… even if you did so in a very infantilising way. I can tell you were– are trying.” He wanted SecUnit to know that, regardless of his outburst, he was thankful.
“I don’t think you’re a human infant,” it was clearly confused, indignation colouring its voice. Gurathin couldn’t help it, he laughed, a few tears finally falling.
“Then don’t treat me like a child who is too young to date,” he fired back.
“Fine,” it said, “but promise that you will alert me earlier if you are feeling unsafe again. You let yourself be put in an uncomfortable position for far too long tonight.”
Gurathin's chest felt warm. He knew it did care in its own way, even though it wasn’t in the way he wanted (it never was; he never fell for the kind of person who could give him what he wanted, never), and its words made him feel… like he mattered. He waited to be released – this was more emotion than he’d seen from SecUnit possibly ever – but the moment stretched between them, fragile, and he didn’t want to be the one to break it.
Slowly, softly, it cut through the silence. “If anything happened to you and I wasn't– if I couldn't stop it, I… don't know what I would do.”
A suggestion was on the tip of Gurathin’s tongue, the confession he knew he’d never make. That spending time with it, with SecUnit, was more fulfilling than this pressured date could have hoped to be. Sure, he’d enjoyed putting on clothes that made him feel, if not confident, then at least a little worth the attention, and being seen with another person not part of the PresAux team had its own delights. But… but even sitting in the main section of his dwelling, letting SecUnit use his display surface while he would read quietly in his chair or scroll through backdated messages in the feed… that was the perfect companionship that Gurathin needed, even if wanting more was a different question altogether. He’d never say as much, though. Never put that on SecUnit, who was still finding itself, who was still pushing its own boundaries at its own pace. If Gurathin even hinted… the idea of imposing like that, after all he’d already done to strip it of those chances (forgiven now but never forgotten), he wouldn’t be able to stand himself.
With a wry smile, maybe too knowing, too soft and stung and teary despite wanting to come off as steady, Gurathin lifted a hand and mimed patting SecUnit on the chest twice. “That means more to me than I could ever hope to explain to you. But… I would like to change now. I’m starting to feel silly.” And emotionally pulled through the wringer. He was sure his eye makeup was smudged.
"No," it said, and Gurathin's hand froze, midair.
"I'm not allowed to change?" There was a brittle quality to his voice. He opened his mouth to protest further, because fuck this, he'd just about had enough tonight, and – SecUnit's hand came up and gingerly, hesitantly, wiped away the moisture that Gurathin had decided were definitely not tears.
"You're not silly," it said, and Gurathin's mind went momentarily blank. Its hand stayed, cupping his cheek, and despite his annoyance and frustration and heartbreak, he couldn't help but close his sore eyes and lean into its large palm.
“Thank you,” he choked out. It wasn’t as if his date had said anything more complimentary. Perhaps SecUnit was right. Ratthi needed better friends.
“When do you think you will try again?”
Gurathin huffed. If it was an excuse to lean that much more into SecUnit's careful touch, neither of them seemed willing to address it. “After the radiation storm of today’s attempt? Who’s to say?”
“But you just said–”
“Well, maybe I’m being contradictory. You don’t have a monopoly on that state of being.”
A pause, and Gurathin fought a smile. The tension had been broken, the anger was gone, and he was mostly feeling tired and cared for.
“You’re… teasing me”.
“And you’re belabouring the point. I’ve already given my consent to your knight in plastic armour routine should I require it.” He pulled away slowly from SecUnit’s hand, letting his head thump gently back against the wall so he could look in the general vicinity of SecUnit’s face. “I will tell you, SecUnit, I promise. The moment I get an inkling that an opportunity for a date arises, you can prepare for any and all security risks.” Not that Gurathin imagined, after the disaster of this one, that he would be getting many offers. Still, he found he wasn’t as put out by that idea now that his emotions had settled.
Exhausted, he gently shouldered himself around SecUnit and towards his bed to finally change out of this ridiculous outfit. He watched SecUnit pad out of the room in his peripheral vision and tried to identify the feelings that bubbled up as he heard his display surface spark to life in his living space – the familiar title sequence of Sanctuary Moon. Was it staying? Confusion and comfort tangled in his chest as he wandered through to where it was now sprawled across one side of his sofa.
It didn't look toward him. “Yours is bigger than mine, and I’m already here, so...”
Gurathin hadn’t known it was possible for SecUnit to sound bashful. “Understandable,” he replied softly. “Mind if I join for a while? It is my apartment, after all.”
When SecUnit nodded slightly, he sat on the opposite end of the sofa, the events of the night churning through his brain, in quiet disbelief at this finale. The company was pleasant, with a feeling of quiet acceptance and connection without the expectation to perform.
They sat in silence through several episodes, Gurathin idly flicking through his feed. Eventually, he could no longer ignore the way his eyes were drooping, and he rose to relocate to a more appropriate sleeping place.
Good night.
Gurathin blinked at the message from SecUnit, and pinged back a simple acknowledgement. Just as he was settling himself under the covers, another message popped up, this time from Ratthi, asking how his night had been. He pondered for a second over what to divulge – his date had been awful, he could be honest with himself about that now, but the full night?
It wasn’t great. It is now. He sent back, and drifted into a blissful slumber, a drone circling a holding pattern around his room.