Chapter Text
Izuku wakes up and gets out of bed, he just knows that today is going to be a horrible day, because he has school today, and he has to wear that stupid uncomfortable uniform that makes him want to peel his skin off.
He forces himself to get out of bed though, mainly because he has already missed so much school this year, he has already missed four months of school, due to being on a leave for mental health issues but that’s just whatever, he still wishes that he could miss more school.
He gets changed into his uniform, his body tensing up uncomfortably as he puts uniform on, he feels the urge to just take it right back off, but he knows that because of his stupid schools rules he has to wear it.
He picks up his baby doll, and packs it in his backpack, he wishes that he could carry it around, but he doesn’t want to give his bullies another reason to pick on him, honestly he’s pretty embarrassed of baby, but he needs her to function, he’s had baby for over ten years now, and it’s a major comfort item of his.
He also picks up his bunny, it’s just a normal bunny plush, however it came wearing an All Might costume, amd he knew that he needed to get it, unlike baby, he actually carries bunny around.
School feels like it’s pointless, he hardly does any work there, because he doesn’t really have the energy to do it, most of the time in class he spends hunched over, doing things that he’s much more interested in, such as working on his hero analyses and looking at the hero news on his phone.
The only problem with this is that all the hunching he does makes his back hurt, and the fact that he pretty much always wears his backpack doesn’t help.
He leaves his room and goes to the bathroom to brush his teeth, needing to at least try to get the weird taste that he can’t seem to get used out of his mouth.
Once he leaves the bathroom, he goes to put his shoes on, but quickly takes turn back off because he wants to let his mom know that he’s going to school, so she doesn’t think that he ran away, or something like that, he also knows that she needs to give him his Zoloft, because he’s not trusted to take it himself, he’s not even trusted to be unsupervised with the bottle, due to the very strong likelihood of him committing suicide and overdosing.
He also needs to give back to his room because he left his headphones in his room.
He wears his headphones whenever he leaves the apartment, because people are very loud, and the earplugs that he used to give him earaches, so he switched to headphones.
Back to the topic of running away, he only really ran away when he was little, and was upset that he felt left out during a playdate, because it’s hard to talk sometimes, he ended up jus crying and running down the street, he didn’t get very far though, also has left in the past, when he went to the pharmacy because he was upset that he didn’t have data on his phone, it worked though, because now he has an unlimited data plan.
After he lets his mom know that he’s going to school, he puts his shoes back on and leaves his apartment.
As he walks to school, he goes to the hero merchandise store that he goes to every day, it’s his routine by now and his routine is very important to him, it can’t change because change is bad and stressful.
He hates change, even small changes like something being rescheduled, make him want to cry, and often he does, sobbing to a point when breathing is hard, and he has to pull his hair and bite his arms to make himself feel more calm.
Honesty he hate that about himself, and he wishes that he could be normal, but at least he was diagnosed as autistic at a young enough age to be able to get an IEP in school and stuff like that, though he didn’t get his other diagnoses, like ADHD, depression generalized anxiety and social anxiety until much later.
All of this is just whatever though, he knows that he won’t make it into adulthood so what’s the point of even trying to make it, he just wants to be a kid again, to go back to the times when he was still friends with Katsuki, and to go back to before he developed his eating disorder, before he found out what calories were.
He misses being small, like a little child, and honestly he knows that this is likely a big factor in his eating disorder, he just wants to be small and tiny, he wants to be cute in a childlike way.
Even though his mom says that he will be her baby forever, and that if he wants to he can stay living with her forever he still struggles, he’s worried about what will happen when she’s gone, but he doesn’t like thinking about that, especially because he doesn’t plan to be alive that long himself.
When Izuku gets to the hero merchandise store goes into it and goes straight to the All Might section, like he always does.
When he gets to the All Might section, he searches to see if there is any new figure that he doesn’t already own, however unfortunately for him there isn’t, it’s okay though because there will hopefully be a new one released soon.
One of his favourite things about this store is that it makes him feel small in a good way, unlike at school, when he feels small and scared, weak and vulnerable, when he’s in this store, he feels small yet safe.
Of course he doesn’t feel as safe as he feels at home, or as small as he feels when he watches All Might’s debut on his computer in his room, and he doesn’t feel as small as he does when his mom buys him an All Might figure that he asked for, he doesn’t think that anything can make him feel that small, or at least the good kind of small, but he still feels a good kind of small.
He doesn’t really know how to explain, it’s confusing even to him, because sometimes things are hard to explain, but the best way he can explain it as is that he likes feeling little, he likes the feeling of being small when he feels safe, but he doesn’t like feeling small when he’s stressed and scared.
He ends up deciding to organize the All Might figures, to make it look pretty, nice and neat, plus it’s fun to organize things, and he enjoys doing it.
After he’s finished in the store he finally heads to school, trying to mentally prepare himself for the day to come.
When Izuku gets to school, he goes to the library, when he sees that it’s closed he feels his heart beat quicken, it’s not supposed to be closed today, and he likes to go to the library in the morning because of the comfy compression area.
He doesn’t want to cry, especially not about this, because he knows that nobody will understand why he’s so upset, and he doesn’t want to give people more reasons to be mean to him, however no matter how hard he tries, he can’t stop the tears from welling up in his eyes and streaming down his cheeks.
He sits down on the floor, not really caring that it’s dirty, and buries his face in his knees, hoping that someone will unlock the library soon.
He doesn’t know how to explain it, but he needs to go, it’s how he prepares himself for the school day, and is a very important part of his routine.
Even though he knows that he was told that if something like this happens, he should go to the child and youth worker, so they can help him out, but he really doesn’t want to.
The child and youth workers makes him feel uncomfortable, and it’s scary to go to guidance because he doesn’t like how crowded the halls are, and he doesn’t like waiting at the desk for help, because they ask so many questions, it’s very overwhelming.
He hates this about himself, and he wishes that he could just deal with changes in routine without feeling so anxious and overwhelmed that he feels sick.
After what feels like forever to Izuku, a staff member finally sees him and unlocks the door.
When the door is unlocked, Izuku gets up and hurries to the area where he always sits.
He hopes that today won’t be too stressful, even though he gets a lighter workload then the rest if the class, the work he gets is still very overwhelming to him.
His classmates, who are very loud and don’t seem to like him very much, because they aren’t very nice to him, definitely don’t help him to feel less stressed out, in fact, they just make him feel worse.
He has cried because of this before, and learnt the hard way that it makes things worse, even though he can’t seem to control the way his eyes fill with tears when he gets the slightest bit upset.
He hates how sensitive he is, and how easily he gets upset, he wishes that his he could change that about himself, but no matter how hard he tries, he always ends up failing.
As he sits down, he pulls his knees to his chest, and puts his backpack in front of him, thankfully the compression from the wall and couch almost always makes him feel better, it feels kind of like a hug, only better, because sometimes hugs are uncomfortable, and often physical touch is hard and scary.
Unlike physical touch, the couch and wall are clean and safe, and he knows that it will always be the perfect amount of compression, and will always be in just the right areas.
Honestly, the compression from the couch and wall are probably closer to a weighted blanket than a hug, which is nice, because he really likes weighted blankets because he likes how the compression feels.
While he waits for the bell to ring, he goes online, looking through the hero news, and scrolling through shedtwt, though he makes sure to put his VPN on, because twitter won’t work without it being on.
When the bell rings Izuku gets up, puts his phone in his pocket, and puts on his backpack, he knows that he needs to go to class even though he really doesn’t want to.
As he walks to class, he bites his fingers anxiously, he doesn’t really realize when he’s biting his fingers, because it’s just something that he does, it helps him to calm down when he feels stressed out, and it feels nice for him to chew on his fingers because both the biting and the chewing feel nice.
He used to chew gum, however it just didn’t feel the same, he’s also scared if the calories in the gum, because he doesn’t want to go over his budget.
He allows himself to have 830 calories a day, and every day he eats the same thing, he skips both breakfast and lunch, and has one bowl of katsudon for dinner, and he has to start eating it before 5:30 pm or else he won’t eat anything at all.
As he walks, he tries to mentally prepare himself for class, he’s dreading going to class because his classmates are all so loud and mean, often they even throw things at him, like folded up papers and other stuff like that.
The teachers don’t really do anything about it, honestly he doesn’t really like most of his teachers, the only teacher that he actually likes is his math teacher because his math teacher is very nice, and doesn’t give any tests or anything like that.
His other teachers are not as nice though, and honestly one of his least favourite teachers is the teacher who works in the resource room, she talks to him like he’s in kindergarten, and never listens to anything, for example one time he was working on a test for English and got up to go to the bathroom, and this teacher moved all of his stuff around, and then got mad at him for getting upset and crying.
He doesn’t understand why she got upset, because he has asked her very politely to not move his things around because it stresses him out, but she just won’t listen.
Often he tries to avoid going to the resource room because of her, even if that means staying in his class where most of the students hate him, or at least find him weird and annoying because they aren’t very nice to him.
When he gets to his classroom, he goes to his desk and sits down, taking his phone out of his pocket and holds it by his lap.
He presses his head against the desk, so he can go on his phone without people seeing what’s on his screen, while he waits for the teacher to arrive and class to start.