Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Now we’re back to where we started from

It was so cold outside that not even the burning cigarette between Riku’s fingers and the smoke inside his lungs were able to warm him. He wasn’t wearing any type of coat, so the rude and freezing wind was sticking directly on his exposed arms, since he was wearing only a tight tank top. He inhaled the nicotine one more time before discarding it, pulling all that piece, which was a full thing before, had to offer to him.

Being with his lungs full of smoke didn’t warm him, but the relief that nicotine was causing in his blood was comforting enough to make him forget all that happened momentarily. He exhaled the smoke, enjoying the few seconds that it warmed his rigid cheeks, before shoving his hand within his jeans to take another kneaded cigarette on his hands.

Daeyoung didn’t like that smell. Every time that Riku smoked before meeting him, even when they met accidentally, he refused to touch his hands until they were freed from that disgusting odor that nicotine glued on his skin. Even though he didn’t complain anytime that Riku kissed him right after smoking.

He stared at Daeyoung’s flat window, seeing that the lights were still on. Riku was barely finishing his fifth cigarette at that time and, believe it or not, it wasn’t the reason for that dirty and bitter taste taking all of his mouth.

Yushi always told him he was too emotional and Sion insisted that the main reason for it was the fact that Riku’s zodiac sign was cancer. But he particularly thought that, ignoring all of that, anyone would be hurt after being dumped. It was worse that he got dumped by someone he chased for almost one year of his life.

He stared at the cigarette butt at the floor, feeling almost like it; tiny and smashed. 

Riku walked, slowly, in the direction of Daeyoung’s flat, shrinking himself even more when he got knocked by the strong wind that the beginning of winter in Seoul had. He left his coat at Daeyoung’s, before running away from him after confirming what his paranoiac mind thought during the whole past few months that they had this thing. And, even though he didn’t want to see him after that, Riku really needed his coat to come back home without dying. 

He got past the entrance hall without any trouble, since the security old men already knew who he was — due the frequency that he used to visit Daeyoung. His reflection at the elevator’s mirror scared him a bit, since his cheeks were too red and his lips, dry, almost purple, cracked by all the cold he catched during his minutes outside.

When he finally arrived, at the third floor from the tiny residential flat, he stared at the dark wood door, the one that Riku never had looked at enough to see all the details until that time. Even though he knew Daeyoung’s password, he preferred to not enter the flat; because of it, he knocked softly at the wooden door. It took a while until Daeyoung finally opened it. Riku was biting his nails nervously, and when the dim yellow light finally lit the whole hall he felt a relief. He didn’t know if Daeyoung’s grimace was due to his disgusting cigarette smell or due to having to see his face one more time that night. 

Daeyoung held the door and kept staring at Riku blankly, as if he was waiting for an explanation to his presence. And, before actually explaining to him why he was there after their heated argument, Riku licked his cracked lips, trying to recompose himself. 

“I forgot my coat here. I think… It’s probably on your couch…” his voice was hoarse and, for a moment, he felt sick. Maybe due to staying outside in that crazy coldness without wearing any proper clothes. Or maybe because he smoked too many cigarettes, more than he used to do normally. Or maybe due to the overwhelming will of kissing Daeyoung that suddenly flooded his body, head to toe, when Daeyoung stared at him with his half-lid eyes.

He didn’t reply verbally. He didn’t invite Riku to come in, either. He just turned around to pick up Riku’s coat, like he was asked to, coldly, without lingering the moment between them. The few seconds that Riku stayed outside in front of the entrance door, staring at his pair of shoes, were shameful. And, even though it was really cold in Seoul during that night, Riku felt his face warmer when he saw Daeyoung’s face again. 

“Here, Riku.” Daeyoung opened the door a bit more, giving Riku the full vision of his body, while holding his big coat.

Riku didn’t reply, instead, he picked his coat from Daeyoung’s hands and, while doing it, their fingers touched, brushing against each other slightly. It felt wrong the way just having Daeyoung’s skin touching against his hands felt more warmer than all of that cigarette smoke Riku’s lungs inhaled minutes ago. And it felt like, as soon as Riku finally picked his coat on his hands, Daeyoung would disappear from his life. The feeling lodged even more deeper inside his chest, because Daeyoung couldn’t even stare directly at his face; and Riku felt his own eyes tingling. Biting his bottom lip — which was almost bleeding due how cracked they were —, Riku tried his best to make Daeyoung stare at him back.

It didn’t work, and Daeyoung didn’t land his eyes on his face during any second he stood in front of him.

“Goodbye, Riku.” His voice echoed, too far away from Riku’s ears.

When the hall finally became dark again, Riku hugged his coat and squatted his legs, feeling even colder after not having Daeyoung’s home warm yellow light on his skin, just like he wasn’t able to have Daeyoung’s eyes on his face. He felt his tears, which he had been holding in the past hours, pouring down freely on his face. He didn’t have Daeyoung anymore, but at least, he wouldn’t freeze to death while walking home. At least, not physically.

Being honest, their pseud-break-up, from their pseud-relationship, didn’t affect Riku’s daily life at all. He was able to admit for anyone who asked that he, in fact, stopped frequenting anything he knew Daeyoung would appear; like Sion’s basketball games (since Daeyoung, coincidentally, was in the team too), or those Ryo choral presentations. Even when Sakuya insisted that they had to drink during Fridays, just because he wanted to, Riku didn’t attend any of his parties — not even bothering himself to reply to any of his friend’s texts. 

It wasn’t easy to disentangle from someone who was inserted inside his friend group. It was never meant to be. And that was Riku’s unhappy case with Daeyoung, unfortunately. 

The only one that he wasn’t able to actually mislead during his isolation was Yushi. And, perhaps, it was because they knew each other since they were two little sprouts in their mothers wombs. In an unknown way, Yushi was able to tell when Riku was avoiding something, as if he was able to read Riku's mind, and, at that time, he wasn’t different. 

The fact, also, that Yushi was the only one aware of what were happening between Riku and Daeyoung (since the day he entered Riku’s apartment without warning his presence and was surprised by a scene that he preferred to not know, plus the fact that Riku was incapable of hiding secrets from him), probably corroborated with Yushi’s feeling about Riku’s having something wrong. And even though Riku didn't like to admit it, Yushi was close to Daeyoung as well.

“Eh, you’re really… You look like shit.” It was the first thing that Riku’s supposed-best-friend said while seeing him, after him skipping almost two weeks of classes and not attending any social interaction started by their friends.

“Thanks for warning me,” Riku answered, trying to incorporate at least a bit of Yushi’s monotone tone, even though he was incapable of acting blankly as him.

He didn’t laugh and didn’t answer, just sneaked between Riku and the door, pushing him to be able to enter his apartment. During this process, Riku realised that Yushi was holding a plastic bag, probably with something edible inside, and that made his heart tighten. Even though Yushi wasn’t the best with his words, he was really affectionate and gentle when he wanted to be. And, after being privating himself from any human interaction, Riku felt emotional seeing someone actually wanting to take care of him.

“Your apartment is really dirty.” Yushi said, without showing any emotion on his face, pulling the trash that was placed and accumulated above the coffee table to land the plastic bag he was carrying above it. 

It was always funny how Yushi always told everything that crossed his mind, without thinking too much, even though it might sound absurd to anyone who didn’t know him as well as Riku did. And the best part was that he was always capable of enduring his blank face while doing it. 

“Thanks, again, Yuu-chan. I mean, if you didn’t tell me, I probably wouldn’t even notice it.” Riku followed him, and sat beside, staring at him unpacking their food. “I think maybe it is the reflection of its own owner.” He tried to make an auto-depreciative joke, as if it could turn Yushi guilty about his harsh words.

And Yushi, obviously, didn’t even flinch hearing his pity words. He didn’t even try to answer.

For Riku’s defense, he was a bit too sad in those past weeks to even try cleaning his apartment. The trashcan seemed too far, and discarding any of those packages that he opened during his depressed episode after his past-non-relationship felt a bit too much. Washing his dishes was out of the question too and Yushi, knowing him too well, brought two pairs of disposable chopsticks; since Riku didn’t have anything clean beside all those dirty dishes in his sink.

He stared at Yushi for a few seconds, silently blowing his ramyeon with patience, eating politely, like he always did. It felt funny how Yushi didn’t bother himself to talk while eating and, sincerely, even his silence felt comfortable for Riku. Then, Riku decided to eat too, slowly, processing his first real meal in those past few days.

“Daeyoung isn’t doing great too,” Yushi said, covering his mouth with his free hand because he was still chewing his food while talking, He stared at Riku’s face too, with his dark and unknown eyes, as if he was waiting for Riku’s reply about the unnecessary information that he unnecessarily said. 

Riku sighed, deep, and mixed the ramyeon that was in front of him. The broth was dark and, for a moment, Riku wished to be one of those drowned noodles strands; it was looking better to be sunken in ramyeon broth mixed with cheese than replying to whatever Yushi said.

“Sion said that Daeyoung got out of the basket team,” he proceeded talking and Riku tightened his grip on his chopsticks. He didn’t want to know anything about Daeyoung and Yushi knew this, probably better than anyone. 

“It’s hard…” Riku’s voice was low, but Yushi heard, since he nodded softly while eating more of his ramyeon. Suddenly, he lost his appetite and, somehow, the food in front of him was turning him dizzy. 

“Yeah, it is. The coach wanted to kill him. He's one of the tallest members, right?” Yushi was saying his words slowly, as if Riku wasn’t able to have a conversation like a human being, as if he didn’t understand where he wanted to go starting this conversation. “And they were supposed to go to the regionals.”

“Yeah...” Riku felt hurt by the way Yushi was talking about Daeyoung, as if he wasn’t the main reason for Riku’s sadness since the last time they met. 

What bothered him even more was how Yushi was telling him information about how Daeyoung was doing, when he was Riku’s best friend and should be worried about how Riku was. Not Daeyoung. Fuck him.

“You’re not telling me what happened between you two, right?” Yushi broke Riku’s thoughts and they stared at each other in silence. Riku trembled a bit, since Yushi’s voice sounded almost an octave higher — something really unusual for Yushi — as if his colder tone wasn’t enough to scold him.

“It’s complicated, Yushi.” Riku ate a bit of his ramyeon, which was almost cold, trying to end this topic as soon as possible.

“I can’t handle seeing you act like this, Riku. I know you like him and, ok, he is in fact in our friend group. But you can’t simply isolate yourself from the word just because you guys broke up.” Yushi almost sounded like a mom while scolding Riku, even gesturing like one. 

Riku didn’t stare at him during the scolding and, by that, he decided to finally tell his friend what happened. Even though he knew that he wouldn’t be capable of not telling his friend the reason behind his break up with Daeyoung.

“I was visiting him, because I was near his flat. Do you know Aeri?” Riku started to talk, staring at his own chopsticks mixing his ramyeon and Yushi nodded, answering his question while still eating. “So, on that day, I went to a club with her and it happened that Daeyoung’s flat was on the way to the subway. After I walked Aeri to the subway station, I went to his flat. And it was all right…”

Riku felt his hands trembling, and his cheeks warmer and tingling, feeling his eyes wanting to cry just by remembering all that happened. 

“And then, suddenly, one of his brothers came. He didn’t see anything, me and Daeyoung were just talking before his arrival. But Daeyoung suddenly changed, and started to act super weird with me. As if he hated me, all of sudden,” Riku sobbed, and Yushi stayed staring at him. “When his brother went away, I decided to ask why he was acting like that. I asked if I was disgusting to him, if what we had was disgusting. I know I’m wrong, but I was so… mad. I was really mad at him and I said a ton of bullshit. But it hurt me so bad, you know? The way he couldn’t even look properly at my eyes during his brother’s presence.” At that moment, Riku didn’t stop himself from crying, just accepting how wet his cheeks were just by remembering everything.

Yushi held both of Riku's hands above his coffee table. His skin was cold, even though he was dressed really warmly, but it felt comforting how he tightened his grip, bringing Riku back again to their reality. 

“And, yeah, he said we were nothing,” Riku sniffed, trying to calm down his breath while his tears probably wouldn't stop pouring down from his eyes. “He said that he wanted me out of his house, and that he wouldn’t talk to me anymore. That his life was probably better before meeting me. Whatever that meant." His eyes were blurry until the point that keeping them open was bothering him. He felt an urge to smoke too, but Yushi probably wouldn’t like having a smoker besides him. 

“I know it’s hard, Riku,” Yushi’s voice was the only calm thing with them at that chaotic moment. “But you know, well, how his family is... But you can’t be this sad, for anyone. And it’s unfair how we have to suffer with something that happened between you two, right?” 

Riku swallowed, dry. He didn’t know what to reply and he wasn’t proud of how he acted. Childish, like a teenager dealing with a break up — even though they didn’t have a real break up, since they weren’t even dating. But he didn’t have enough strength to fight with his usual way of dealing with sadness.

“Ryo and Sakuya can’t stop spamming our group chat asking about you. I think you should read their texts,” Yushi loosened his grip on Riku’s hands and came back to eating, as if Riku wasn’t crying for his life in front of him. “Maybe, you’d know that you still have people who love you, the way you’re.” Riku couldn’t help but cry even harder after hearing those words coming out from Yushi's mouth full of ramyeon. 

Yushi was right, like always, and Riku didn’t have strength to fight him back at that moment. He just wiped his incessant tears at his big shirt (way too big for him, probably was a Daeyoung’s shirt). With his head down, hiding his face on his arms, Riku knew he wouldn’t stop crying too soon.

And maybe, he should start to deal with his life like the twenty-four-adult that he was.

Yushi didn’t stay too long after they talked about what he actually wanted to know. But before leaving, he helped Riku with cleaning his dirty dishes. They cleaned everything in silence, quietly, how Riku normally used to share his moments with Yushi, who didn’t talk that much; and, in their process of washing up everything, Riku was capable of stopping crying. 

In a sudden energy peak after Yushi’s presence, Riku decided to clean all of his apartment. Including his dirty and messed bedroom, which was probably the worst of all, since it was there that he passed through his noons and nights, feverish, crying and smoking like it was the only thing that his body was allowed to do. 

He couldn’t even see his own feets, by the way his floor was completely taken by those food packages, and it felt disgusting. But Riku ignored everything, and walked straight into his closet, which he didn’t have courage enough to open since he saw Daeyoung for the last time, because he knew that whatever he would find there, would probably remind him of everything they had. 

The smell wasn’t good and, after opening his closet doors, the naphthalene smell took over all of the room easily. The clothes inside were carefully folded and it was Daeyoung who organized everything, the last time that he visited Riku’s apartment. His heart tightened on his chest, in an intense painful way, that he almost thought that he could start crying again, just triggered by seeing his own clothes folded inside his closet.

He remembered a bit about the day they met. It was still summer when they saw each other for the very first time, and Daeyoung was just a timid freshman with big cheeks and a very cute snaggle tooth. His voice was gentle, grave, but gentle, and didn’t leave Riku’s mind for days. He had the privilege of hearing it for the first time when Sion introduced him to everyone, in the middle of the basket team’s party after winning the regionals. Daeyoung’s movements were timid, youthful, and his eyes were nothing but gentle, almost naive. But what really caught Riku’s attention was how his thin lips were cute.

On the next day, Sion joked with his face, saying that Riku was in love with Daeyoung, when he asked about him during their break for smoking between the classes. Riku didn’t deny, because it was basically true what Sion said. He spent not only the night but the morning thinking about Daeyoung, even though the only direct interaction they had was a little polite nod after his muffled introduction.

They just got closer, less timid about each other, because Daeyoung was gentle enough to strive to maintain his conversations with Riku every time they bumped anywhere. Since Riku couldn’t even formulate cohesive phrases every time he felt Daeyoung’s characteristic fig scent.

Their friendship grew naturally, and it felt hard to tell when Daeyoung turned into a priority for Riku. But he spent enough time with him to know that, in fact, he liked him. Daeyoung was always gentle and never dumped him, even when Riku was obviously flirting with him, with all the possible letters and gestures. He would laugh, while itching his nape, and it was adorable to Riku's eyes. His heart was aching increasingly for him day by day.

The first time that they actually had something — kissed — was in Daeyoung’s flat. It was late, and Daeyoung invited him inside, since, in his words, it was too late for Riku to walk alone all the way to the subway and to his own home, and it would feel better and safer to just sleep in Daeyoung’s, leaving in the next morning.

Daeyoung was wearing a social shirt, a bit crumpled, and his black glasses didn’t stop slipping in his nose since they were in the elevator; he was looking even cuter that night. Riku’s whole body was sweating in a gross way when Daeyoung closed the door and turned around to stare at his face, with those same gentle and tiny eyes that he met and frown in love at first sight. Riku didn’t know how to hold himself and then, he groped both of Daeyoung’s cheeks on his hands, kissing him so desperately that he accidentally knocked their teeth, before adjusting himself to kiss him again, more softly. Daeyoung didn’t kiss him back instantly, and Riku felt like dying. But before he could dissolve his whole body in shame, Daeyoung pressed him against the entry hall wall and kissed him one more time, so eagerly that they even stumbled on his aligned shoes. 

Their thing was completely hidden, and they just met at Daeyoung’s flat or at Riku’s apartment. And, for a few moments, it felt desperate for Riku; because he actually wanted to scream to everyone how much he felt for Daeyoung, even though he never ever meant to hide his feelings. It just happened that Daeyoung couldn’t even breathe at his side in public without running away, as if Riku was on fire and he didn’t want to harm himself. 

He tried to ignore, trying to fake how much Daeyoung’s attitude affected him. But it hurted, so bad, and it wasn’t easy to accept the public Daeyoung was the same Daeyoung that stared at him with affectionate eyes every time their lips connected. Riku wanted to hold his soft hands, or to be able to kiss him, slightly, like they used to do in his dark room, with the lights off. He wanted to tell everyone how much he actually liked Daeyoung.

What broke his thread of thoughts was finding a forgotten Daeyoung shirt in his closet. He knew, for sure, that one belonged to him, because Riku actually borrowed it from him last time Daeyoung slept in his apartment. His intention, on that day, wasn’t, obviously, to cry copiously while sniffing a shirt that didn’t even have Daeyoung’s scent anymore; but it was how he ended up using it. That stupid piece of fabric that, in the end, was the only physical thing that was still connecting Riku to him.

When Riku decided to go back to attending his classes, he was surprised; because he didn’t bump into Daeyoung anywhere near their campus. His anxious mind was insisting on imagining a fake scenario where he and Daeyoung would pass at each other, and he wouldn’t know what to do nor what to say, while Daeyoung stayed staring at him with those same hurt eyes he had when they had their argument. 

And, because of that, he started to smoke more. Two packs of cigarettes didn’t last even a day in his hands. 

Trying to not catch any kind of attention, Riku was walking shrank, holding his bag tightenly. His hands were trembling with how his body was demanding nicotine at that time, and adding this with his anxiousness about possibly bumping into Daeyoung made everything even worse. He walked as fast as he could, going to the smokers area and sitting at the old and wobbly bench. 

Breathing calmly, inhaling and feeling smoke filling his lungs after lighting the cigarette resting on his lips, Riku tried to calm himself. Further his situation with Daeyoung, he was dealing with his part time job and with group assignments being more stressful than ever; not counting with the fact that he missed almost three weeks of classes during his depressed days. 

Sometimes, Riku liked to hurt himself thinking about everything he dreamed of with Daeyoung. A whole future, and those cheesy couple things. Even though they didn’t even dated officially during this whole time they had this kind of friendship. And he knew that Daeyoung never had the intention, nor gave the hope of them actually dating or having something more serious than whatever they had. 

Without even noticing, he lit up his third cigarette and, all of sudden, Sion popped up at his side, completely damp in sweat, even though the floor of the yard was covered in snow. He sat beside Riku, panting and wearing that winter uniform from the basket team — which Riku never became interested enough to actually know the name, since the main and the only reason of his presence at their practice matches was his intense interest in seeing men damp in sweat while wearing tiny shorts and tight tank tops. 

He offered one cigarette for Sion, just to act politely, but Sion denied, since he was quitting smoking. 

“I think you have to stop smoking. This fucking cigarette smells like shit,” Sion complained and Riku ignored him, putting his cigarettes back on his bag, while laughing at Sion’s fake angry expression.

“I’m sorry, hyung. I’ll try to get better.” And Sion didn’t hold his mask enough, laughing with Riku after hearing his picky voice. 

Sion was a great person to stay with when the subject was having a relaxing convo. It wasn't a coincidence that he was the only one who actually got into Yushi’s pants. 

“You can have my pardon.” He extended their joke.

His hair was so damp in sweat that Riku felt a bit concerned by that. How could someone sweat that much in winter? Riku even adjusted his thick red scarf while inhaling the cigarette between his fingers.

“Sakuya asked me to tell you that he wants to see you today,” Sion, naturally laughing, continued to talk, while Riku turned his head to blow the smoke to the other side, preventing it to get on Sion’s face; while laughing low together with him, because it was fun to think about Sakuya demanding something from someone.

“What’s the matter?” he asked, giggling, and with Sion, the sound of Riku's laugh was enough, since he dropped his head to laugh harder and louder just by having Riku laughing with him.

“He said that he wanted to celebrate, because he didn’t fail this semester.” Riku didn’t contain his ironic laugh and Sion followed him, till the point that his neck was red as a result of laughing that hard. 

“The semester just started…” Riku replied, panting, while staring at Sion recovering himself, sighing and closing his eyes to focus on maintaining a serious face. 

“Exactly! That’s what I said to him.”

It was so cold that Sion’s warm breath was turning into steam when contacting the cold air. 

“But do you think Sakuya actually hears someone?” he continued, and Riku laughed.

“You’ve got a point.” Riku couldn’t disagree with what Sion said, but it felt funny how ironic it was to hear Sion pointing out Sakuya’s stubbornness tendencies when he, himself, was actually the same, if not worse than Sakuya when he wanted to be. But even so, it felt good to Riku to laugh at a younger classmate, so he didn’t bother himself enough to point out Sion’s hypocrisy.

Hiding his hands inside his fluffy coat to run away from the coldness outside after smashing his cigarette butt, Riku eyed at Sion saying something related to, probably, basketball (with those hypertechnic terms that Riku wouldn’t understand, not even if he tried his best). Then, remembering that he forgot to bring his own gloves, Riku thought of Daeyoung, thinking about how he always used to have a spare pair of gloves with him; and thought about the time that he had spent without even having a glimpse of him.

The last time that he saw him, when they argued, the first snow hadn’t dropped yet. Riku didn’t realise when it actually started to snow in Seoul, and it was probably at the time he was confining himself inside his bedroom; since when he finally freed himself, the snow was already taking the whole city streets. 

It was funny how, in every aspect, Daeyoung was Riku's opposite. Riku never felt a desire to worry about his studies, actually, he was majoring business at college just because he didn’t think too much about what he wanted to do. And he didn’t have too many options, since he never wanted to learn something special, nor had some kind of talent or passion in his life. Unlike him, Daeyoung actually liked what he was studying. 

At first sight, for Riku, it felt strange to see Daeyoung leaving the music department, because he didn’t seem to be someone to major something so… frivolous. But Riku changed his mind when he saw Daeyoung playing piano for the first time. On that day, Riku was looking for him, because he wanted to have lunch with him. Daeyoung was serious, concentrated, his eyes never leaving the piano keys; while his fingers moved smoothly. Riku didn’t have courage enough to interrupt him, so he stood, just staring by far, with his hands trembling and his throat, dry. It felt unfair how he actually wanted Daeyoung.

He remembered, as well, Daeyoung’s cute habit of sending his assignments reports to his parents through letters. Even though Riku thought it was, basically, an unnecessary work, since just sending a screenshot via KaKaoTalk would resolve Daeyoung’s problems, he found cute how caring and physically present Daeyoung wanted to be with his family.

Riku just realised that Sion was quiet when he looked directly at his face, and saw he was already staring at him back. Sion’s eyes were big, and Riku flinched, scared by having those eyes locked on his face. He broke the stare almost instantly, and Sion laughed, slapping lightly his thigh, covered in more than one pant in an attempt of escaping from the cold weather. 

“So, you are coming tonight, right?” Sion asked and pressed his hand on Riku’s thigh, while smiling slightly because Riku wasn’t able to stare back at him directly.

For Riku’s defense, Sion’s eyelashes were too long and it was a bit concerning for him.

“I’ll think about it.” Sion whistled while getting up, making the stool wobbly because of the sudden weight difference. He stared at Riku again, in front of him, while shoving his hands in his own jacket pockets.

“Think about it, Riku.” In reply, Riku kicked a bunch of melting snow accumulated on his feet; and, thinking about it — going out, meeting his friends and, possibly, Daeyoung, again — made him breath deep, even though the maximum physical effort that he had within the last minutes was lifting his cigarettes to his mouth. “For us? Please.” He knew that Sion was pouting while saying it, even without properly looking at his face.

“Hyung…” Riku begged for Sion to stop with his weirdness, trying to disentangle himself from his imaginary friendships claws who were obliging Riku to attend those social events with their friends when he clearly didn’t want to.

“I’m serious, Riku. I think Ryo will probably die if he doesn't see you tonight. He can’t stop asking me about you every time he sees me…” Sion continued, appealing to Riku’s weakness, Ryo, to convince him.

“He has my number. He can call me or text me, if he wants to,” Riku said, trying to be indifferent about the situation that Sion presented, even though he was sniffling, sad, just by thinking deeply about it. Ryo was too cute, and Riku loved him, really. Thinking about him being disappointed was heartbroken for Riku, even though Ryo was actually a grown ass man with twenty years and not, actually, his son, like he used to joke.

“And will you pick it up? Or even reply to his messages?” Sion laughed and his laugh felt a bit annoying to Riku’s ears, even more because he knew that Sion was, in fact, right. He wouldn’t reply, even less pick up unwanted calls; since he was forcing himself into an isolation moment after his supposed break up with Daeyoung. “You don’t have to force yourself, if you don’t want to, Riku. But you wouldn’t die by trying, y'know.” Sion tried to warm Riku with his kind and comprehensive words, but Riku was already disappointed with himself, so he just sighed in response. 

It was getting annoying how everyone was capable of ditching him like that, and he couldn’t even defend himself anymore; because they were right. And, for that moment, Riku didn’t have strength, nor arguments to argue about his friend's assumptions. Even though he was used to losing every time to Yushi when they argued — since Yushi was majoring law in college — he was used to having those babblers with his friends, discussing frivolous things. But at that time, he didn’t even have the chance of fighting back.

He didn’t reply to Sion, and Sion just smiled, messied his hair and left him alone again, with his own thoughts; almost freezing in that empty smokers area — since nobody seemed crazy enough like Riku to freeze until death just to smoke between the classes. 

During his classes, Riku thought really hard about Sion’s proposal. He even opened their group chat (which the notifications were off), and scrolled through the almost five hundred unreadded messages that he accumulated since he stopped talking with Daeyoung. Even though Riku didn’t reply to anything, he read everything that his friends sent in the meantime, to at least know what they talked about during his isolation days. 

He opened, as well, his chat with Ryo, and he couldn’t avoid the sadness deepening in his chest reading all those sweet words that his younger friend sent to him. He was clearly concerned — and it felt cute for Riku —, and, for compensation, Riku made a mental note about buying one of those seal plushies that Ryo said that he wanted, the last time that they went out with each other. 

His eyes went automatically down and, unwillingly, Riku stared at his chat with Daeyoung — which was still one of the recents ones. His profile picture was still the same, one cute picture of Sion’s dog licking his hand (which had one tiny and cute birthmark, which, just looking at, made Riku’s lips tingle), and the last message was Daeyoung who sent it. His stomach twirled while his mind was fighting with his urge of opening Daeyoung’s chat, maybe just to see all of their messages. But, after releasing how his mouth was bitter, almost nauseous, Riku decided to not do it. He suffered enough just staring at the preview of Daeyoung’s last text, accomplished with a heart emoji — and by how he, himself, didn’t even bother to reply to it.

Before leaving his apartment, Riku didn’t dress up too much. Wearing just a loosened hoodie, his initial plan and whole intention was just appearing to hug his friends and eventually disappear without anyone noticing it, and then running away to his house as soon as possible. Even though he actively decided to go, after reading the group messages and knowing that Daeyoung confirmed his presence, Riku felt nervous. It was crazy how nervous and scared he was with the possibility of seeing Daeyoung again, and he never wished that much Sakuya's social-butterfly status was real; because with the tiny japanese pub being crowded enough, the chances of him bumping into Daeyoung was minimal. Riku was hugging this possibility with his whole heart, because he sincerely didn’t know if he was ready to see Daeyoung again. Even though next week, it will be a month since he grabbed his coat in front of his entrance door. 

It didn’t take too long to Riku’s arrival at the address that Sakuya sent in their group chat. At the bar, Riku walked in cautiously, slowly, examining every possible inch of the tiny pub, trying to catch a known face between the crowd of strangers who surrounded him. The style was traditional Japanese, so the tables were low and everyone who was sat, was sitting on the floor. Even with his nose sniffling, Riku was able to smell the soy sauce in the air, occupying the tiny place. While searching for his friends, he saw Sakuya’s blonde hair standing out in the middle of the crowd.

Following the known head he found, Riku wanted to turn around and run to his apartment at the exact time that he processed what was happening. Sakuya didn’t invite too many people and, contradicting his expectations, the table reserved was almost small considering those other Sakuya’s parties that he attended. But what triggered him more was the fact that the only seat available was the one beside Daeyoung. 

Riku felt his stomach aching and, without containing himself, he stared at Daeyoung's face for a few seconds. Daeyoung was distracted, and didn’t flinch at his sight. He was talking with Yushi, who was sitting at his front and beside Jiwoo — one of Daeyoung’s classmates. What hurt Riku's already sore heart was seeing that, even after weeks without seeing each other, Daeyoung still had his habit of pushing his bangs from his eyes; his small and bright eyes, at each second. 

When Riku was almost turning around to run to his apartment without being noticed by anyone — and he was already thinking about the excuse for his absence he would give to Sion and Sakuya in the next norming — Daeyoung lended his eyes right on his face. And started to stare directly at Riku’s eyes. It should be funny for him how Daeyoung’s cheeks turned so red when their gaze met, looking like he was slapped multiple times, but it just made Riku want to cry. His body was freezed in such an intense way, he wasn't able to turn around, he couldn’t finish his task of running away without gathering attention, and neither could he look away from Daeyoung’s slim face.

Riku’s heart was beating directly on his ears, thrumming, and, still staring at Daeyoung, he realised how affected he looked too. Daeyoung’s nostrils were dilated, and he was clearly breathing heavily, which made Yushi turn around and stare at Riku’s — until then — hidden presence. Even Jiwoo turned around to stare at him with the other two.

Before he could have a proper reaction and actually leave the tiny pub, Riku felt two pairs of arms wrapping his shoulders around. After a few seconds and breaking the stare he was sharing with Daeyoung, Riku realized that the person who was hugging him was Sakuya. So, he hugged him back, feeling his abnormal heartbeat and his tense nerves calming down at the warm hug he was receiving. 

Sakuya was clearly drunk — since he was basically smelling like peach soju — and Riku felt a bit concerned before seeing Sion sat at the other corner of their table, talking with Yuna (and, obviously, since Sion was the oldest there, everyone’s drunk asses would be his responsibility).

“Riku!” Sakuya’s voice was loud, and the music at the bar was ambient and calm, which made his voice sound even louder to Riku's ears. He caressed Sakuya’s messy hair, and laughed a bit, feeling his arms tightening on his shoulders. “I missed you so much. Really!” 

Sakuya rubbed his cheeks at Riku’s shoulders, who laughed a bit more at his friend's unusual cuddles. He knew that, sober, Sakuya would never initiate that intense level of skinship, even more in public, like he was doing.

“I missed you too, baby.” He tapped Sakuya’s back slightly as if he was, indeed, a baby, before separating their bodies and holding tightenly his loosened drunk shoulders. His cheeks were even more red and Riku wanted to kiss them. Sakuya was too cute and almost made him forget that he actually was planning to leave a few seconds ago.

Before he could proceed with his cute aggression against Sakuya’s red flushed cheeks, Ryo bumped and pushed Sakuya aside, before hugging Riku as tight as Sakuya did. Even with all the strength that Ryo put on wrapping his slim arms around Riku’s body, the hug felt more calm and gentle than the previous one. 

“I missed you so much.” Ryo’s muffled voice was clearly sincere, and, staring at his smiley face after separating from their hug, Riku wanted to cry.  

Instead of doing it, he messed up Ryo's dark hair, trying to annoy him in a way of hiding how hurt his feelings were at that moment. Ryo laughed, soft, and rubbed his face against Riku’s hand, affectionate like always, looking too much like a tiny pup. Unlike Sakuya, Ryo was looking sober and smelled good.

“I missed you too, Ryo-chan. Too much for my own good,” Riku smiled, still caressing Ryo’s hair. “I promise that I’ll buy you something to compensate for my bad behavior.” 

Ryo's smile grew bigger, and he hugged Riku again, even tighter. 

Even though Riku wasn’t feeling good and didn’t want to attend that party, it felt good to be held and hugged by someone who he loved. Not just Ryo, but Sakuya too, both of them were important to him and just after seeing their faces again, Riku knew he messed up ignoring them as well. They were his friends and, sadness apart from having to share them with Daeyoung, they were still his friends. And he wasn’t right acting like they didn’t exist after having a problem which wasn't even related to them. 

After loosening the hug, Ryo's finger pointed at the only available seat at their table — at Daeyoung’s side. He tried to fake how much he didn’t want to sit there, because it wasn’t Ryo’s fault that he didn’t know what happened between Daeyoung and him. But swallowing dry, he walked to the seat, ignoring how his thoughts were shouting to him just turn around and leave; because he wanted to act mature for a bit and it wasn’t that mature to run away from his ex-situationship and from his friends. 

Without bothering himself to analyze everyone who was present — even though it had less people than he thought — and having his heart knocking as if it was exploding inside his chest, Riku stared at Daeyoung again. Closer, that time. 

His posture was exaggeratedly erect, almost in a fun way, because it made clear for anyone who saw him how nervous he was. But Riku wasn’t that different, he was just better at faking it outside his ribs. 

Daeyoung was wearing that jeans button shirt, the one he used to wear almost every week. His glasses, black and thick, were still slipping on his face, turning him cuter and making his eyes smaller than they were. Riku’s heart ached at the moment that he sat besides him, and ached even more when Daeyoung didn’t even blinked at his presence. Maybe it was better like this, as if they never knew each other; because just having that indifference attitude got Riku’s nape dripping in sweat below his loosened sweatshirt, and probably he would drown in his sweat if Daeyoung tried to have a direct interaction with him.

In their front, Jiwoo and Yushi smiled to greet him. Riku nodded in response, politely, for them and for Daeyoung too; as if he was a complete stranger and Riku never had shoved his tongue on every inch of his torso on a random Tuesday, weeks ago.

Without staring at Riku back, Daeyoung nodded too, recognizing — even not fully — his presence. Their legs stumbled slightly under the table, because Daeyoung’s legs were too long to fit comfortably in that style of table. Riku felt his thigh burning, keeping contact with Daeyoung’s skin; felt his body twirling inside, as if all of his internal organs were shaken into a smooth liquid. His hands were sweating so much that at each second past, he had to wipe them on his jeans, trying to dry his nervous palms.

Riku felt weak, softened and shaken, as if all of the weight of missing Daeyoung in those past days had just fallen down entirely on his shoulders, especially at the moment that they had that minimal contact of skin. Even though it wasn’t a bare touch, skin to skin, with the barrier of their clothes keeping them apart, it was much more than Riku had in the past weeks. And it was at that moment that he realized how much in love he was with Daeyoung.

Even though it was wrong. Even though Daeyoung probably could never desire him in the same way he did.

Their tension, which was tangible for everyone close enough, probably was more than obvious to Yushi — who broke a bit of the thin glass of shame between them after slipping a shot of peach soju in Riku’s direction. While staring directly at the transparent sweet liquid, doubting in his mind if it would be better if he consumes alcohol or not, Riku sighed, low. He was already feeling tipsy enough just by sitting beside Daeyoung. 

“Drink it.” Yushi’s voice was muffled, and felt even lower with the ambient sound dominating the whole pub. 

Riku raised his eyes to Yushi’s face, and saw how serious he was when he said for Riku to drink. Even though he didn’t have the courage to look directly at Daeyoung’s face, looking at him sideways made Riku even nervous enough; because he saw how affected Daeyoung was looking, and thinking that he was affected by him made Riku’s ribs tremble inside him. 

The bitter soju that Yushi offered to him went down burning on Riku’s throat. Even though it wasn’t his favorite drink, maybe it was better for him to accept it, since that after feeling his head light, dizzy, after the alcohol poured down inside him, ignoring Daeyoung became a bit easier. 

Riku almost licked the tiny glass edge after swallowing everything in one sip, trying to prolong that relief he felt on his body.  He was too focused on it, and didn’t hear the muffled voice calling his name. When he heard it, he looked instantly at Yushi, but that tiny and shy voice wasn’t coming from him, obviously, since Yushi was engaged in a talk with Jiwoo and the ambient music was overlapping their voices; Riku wouldn’t listen to it, even if he wanted to, anyway.

He heard it again, and, coming with a cough, he realised that who was trying to talk to him was actually Daeyoung. Riku turned his head in his direction, staring at his flushed face. Daeyoung adjusted his glasses, becoming a bit more flushed — as if it was possible — opening his mouth shyly. 

“Hi?” Riku asked, confused. 

Daeyoung broke their stare and looked at his own hands wrapped around his bottle of beer. Like he always did when he was nervous or shy, Daeyoung scratched his nape slowly, while Riku kept gazing at him silently, waiting for him to gather enough courage to repeat whatever he said one more time. Riku drummed his fingers on the table, feeling a bit impatient and nervous, almost desiring a cigarette stuck between his fingers at that exact moment.

“How… How’ve you been?” for Riku, Daeyoung’s voice sounded exactly how he heard it for the first time. 

Maybe it was the result of how Riku missed and desired him, or due to how he passed through the past weeks repeating all those gentle and caring phrases that Daeyoung once told him. It felt funny how Riku wasn't used to notice Daeyoung's satoori day by day, nor his voice tone, because he was too used to hearing him talk everyday. But at that moment, after staying without hearing Daeyoung talking for much longer than he had before, it felt overwhelming. It felt overwhelming for his brain, how he processed each sound that came out of Daeyoung’s mouth, with care, separating and thinking thoroughly about each detail that he could capture from that tiny phrase he said. 

Riku’s mouth was dry and the only shot of soju that he drank contributed to his tipsy, caused by his feelings, that swallowed all of his body. His back was sweating until he could feel the heavy droplets pouring down on his skin when Daeyoung smiled at him; without showing his teeth completely, a contained smile. His eyes didn’t follow his lips, and it felt almost hurt by Riku's vision. Riku licked his bottom lip and tried his best to smile back at him without showing how much he didn’t want to be there. 

“I’m good, Daeyoung. Thanks for asking.” Riku hid his trembling hands between his thighs, trying to ignore how his sweating was just getting worse.

Daeyoung nodded and bickered his bottle of beer — which was empty, Riku’s mind noted. 

“It’s been a long time since the last time I saw you at the campus.” And it felt funny for Riku to listen to Daeyoung, of all people, saying that to him.

Even after what he said, with his full words and intentions, he didn’t want to see Riku’s face again. And, thinking about it, Riku couldn’t contain the low laugh, almost ironic, that came out of his chest. Daeyoung kept his eyes on him, scared and confused by Riku’s sudden laugh; as if he was trying to analyze what was funny enough to make him laugh. Riku adjusted his position at the table, trying his best to separate his legs from Daeyoung’s, which made Daeyoung adjust himself as well.

“He isn't even going to his classes, Daeyoung-ah,” Yushi said, sneaking into their talk, probably after seeing how sad Riku looked after hearing Daeyoung’s previous words. 

It felt too much having to deal with Daeyong acting like nothing had happened between them, as if he nor Riku had told ugly things to each other. 

Daeyoung’s mouth turned into a perfect ‘O’, and he nodded repeatedly in response to what Yushi said. For a moment, Riku noted how cute Daeyoung was, and even though he lost a significant part of his cheeks, he was still looking like a lost puppy. If they were in their normal past days, Riku would rub his face against Daeyoung’s wide shoulders while pouting, would caress his cheeks and whisper in his ears how cute he was. But at that moment, he had to be content with just staring at the empty glass he was holding.

Riku was nervous, and his heartbeat was so high that he felt his ears muffled. Still holding the empty glass tightenly, he avoided all the silent stares that he received from Jiwoo, Yushi and Daeyoung; but they, indeed, were waiting for him to reply to extend the whole conversation (that shouldn’t even start). In a sudden reaction, Riku got up with his shoulders tense and, stressed by being cornered in a stupid and uncomfortable situation, he walked through the pub, ignoring Yushi’s gentle voice calling him back through the ambient music.

Without thinking too deeply, Riku rushed into the bathroom, which was small and didn’t have a mirror — he thanked that mentally, because he knew he was probably looking terrible after having that stupid small talk with Daeyoung, of all the people who were present. He sat above the toilet lid and shoved his hands across his damp hair, pushing his bangs from his face and shrinking as much as he could in that already small place.

Riku needed a cigarette. His index fingers were trembling worryingly and he could taste the nicotine bitterness on his tongue and between his teeth. He groped his jeans pocket to see if he didn’t forget his pack of cigarettes and sighed when he felt nothing but his wallet there. Feeling frustrated and actually wanting to disappear from the earth, Riku grunted and kicked the door of the bathroom stall.

He decided to leave without saying goodbye to any of his friends, because he felt too desperate and frustrated to fully participate in those social interactions. And, probably, it would be impossible to stay beside Daeyoung during the whole night, especially if he was planning to proceed with that small and stupid talk. It felt ridiculous having to deal with it, even more ridiculous having to lodge all of his feelings deeply inside him, even though they were more overflowed than ever after he slightly touched Daeyoung’s leg below the table. 

One drop of sweat flowed from his chin, and Riku realised that he was crying a little bit when he opened his eyes and his vision was blurry. He left the small bathroom and walked as fast as he could to leave the pub without being noticed, grabbing his extra coat at the lobby before greeting the employees there with a polite nod. Even though Riku didn’t come back to their table to say goodbye, he felt Yushi staring at him directly; his eyes almost burning Riku’s back while following him until the exit. 

For a moment, Riku thought and knew the stupid idea of making him sit besides Daeyoung was probably Yushi's idea. And, even though he knew that his childhood friend always used to know what was better for him, at that time, while leaving the pub, he thought Yushi was wrong for the first time. That ridiculous interaction with Daeyoung didn’t feel good, neither to him nor to their inexistent relationship.

He felt a goosebump shivering into his spine when he decided to stare back at Yushi, because all that his malfunctional brain could assimilate was that Yushi and Daeyoung changed seats and, now, Daeyoung and Jiwoo were sitting side by side. The way her short black hair moved when she laughed a bit too hard at something that Daeyoung said made Riku’s eyes tremble. His stomach hurt and he thought he was about to throw up at the entry, even though he didn’t have anything beyond that peach soju that Yushi gave to him — without counting those two cigarettes he smoked anxiously before leaving his apartment. 

It hurt, and the pain he was feeling, dominating his whole body, looked like it could kill him. 

Was it that? What was missing on Riku? He couldn’t stop asking himself, even though after all, Jiwoo was just Sakuya's friend and one of Daeyoung's classmates.

While sitting in the taxi, Riku couldn’t stop thinking about a world where he wasn't born as a man, and yet, as a woman. If he could live everything he lived with Daeyoung, but with a different body. And it felt unfair, disturbing, as if his feelings weren’t enough to fill all of those requirements. 

Riku just realised that he was home when he perceived that he was standing up, staring at his digital lock's numbers shining on his face. He decided that, for one night, he wouldn’t worry that much. It shouldn’t matter, he and Daeyoung didn’t have anything anymore. Crying, smoking and drinking more alcohol could, perhaps, cure whatever emptiness he was feeling lodged inside his chest.

On the next day, Riku woke up feeling unwell. The hangover that got him was painful, he lost count of how many bottles of soju he drank and how many cigarettes he smoked  after he got home. Maybe because he cried until sleep, his eyes were sore and swollen when he opened them in the morning, without mentioning how dry and bitter his mouth tasted. It was like he was almost able to taste the alcohol rising from his bile to his throat when he swallowed dry.

It didn’t help with his bad mood that he dreamed about Daeyoung dating Jiwoo. The worst of all was that they actually made a beautiful couple; perhaps, one couple that Daeyoung’s family would accept, of course. He hurt himself for a couple of minutes after waking up, insisting to think about Daeyoung’s mom receiving Jiwoo in her house, them doing those mom and daughter-in-law things in Daegu. One hypothetical situation that Riku wouldn’t ever have the chance to taste, not even when they were basically together. 

He didn’t get up from bed because he didn’t have strength enough to, the peak physical effort that his hangover mind and tired body was able to endure was extending one of his arms, just enough to reach up his forgotten cellphone, lost between his messy sheets. It barely had battery, and Riku lazily grabbed his charger to connect it.

The screen felt too bright on his darkened room and it annoyed his eyes a bit, because his head was hammering on his skull, in pain, during his dehydration post-alcohol moment. Trying to normalize his damp and swollen eyes to be able to stare at his phonescreen, Riku noticed one notification. One notification that made his lips even more dry, his head even more dizzy and his body weak; as if his bed was floating in the water.

It was Daeyoung texting him. Riku wanted to cry even without reading whatever he wrote, as if he didn’t cry enough in the past weeks. But he resisted and, massaging his hurt temples while breathing heavily, Riku unlocked his phone to read Daeyoung's words, cautiously. 

daeyoung <3

Riku hyung

Good morning

Are you ok?

He stared at his phonescreen for time enough to question himself, exactly, what was Daeyoung's intention on sending those texts. He had time enough to delete all of them, since they were sent barely three hours ago; and Riku, sincerely, didn’t know what to reply. While he was thinking a bit too hard about what he should reply to Daeyoung — excluding all of those humiliation kind of words that his mind thought was a good idea for a few seconds — Riku felt his hands trembling.

Still with the chat opened, Riku stared at his phonescreen showing three dots, advising him that Daeyoung was actually typing something at that moment. Fuck, Daeyoung was actually typing something and, if he sends it, it would be seen at the same second, since Riku was staring at their chat since he woke up. In a sudden and desperate reaction, Riku turned off his phone and throwed it on his bed, in a hope of it being teletransported to somewhere far away from him. 

After gathering enough courage, Riku grabbed his phone again, unlocking it. It was directly on Daeyoung’s chat and, consequently, Riku had to read his messages.

daeyoung <3

I hope you have a good day, hyung

Yushi and Jiwoo were worried about you

Because you left without saying goodbye

If you need something, you can talk to me

It was ironic reading those words coming from Daeyoung and Riku could barely believe what his eyes were seeing. Daeyoung was the main reason for his leaving. His hands were trembling too much, to the point of him being annoyed with his own nervous system and giving up on holding his phone, letting it drop on his bed once again; without even replying to Daeyoung’s messages. 

What the hell Daeyoung wanted with him? It wasn’t being easy to run away from his feelings, even with them not keeping any type of contact, because Riku’s mind always insisted in coming back to their moments together; and Riku knew, better than anyone, that he was incapable of forgetting Daeyoung — even more when he insisted on being present in his life.

And that was the reason for Riku's decision to ignore Daeyoung’s messages. Which, in that afternoon, turned into an easy task, since he was so destroyed physically that he spent almost the whole day sleeping, and between his fast naps — when he forced himself to stay awake for a few minutes — all that his lethargic brain was able to process was Yushi’s monosyllabics texts asking about his sudden left yesterday. 

During the rest of the week, it changed, because Daeyoung’s presence became subtle in Riku’s life again. It wasn’t in the same way as before, intimate, with gentle touches, with kisses, but it was constant and persistent in a way that Riku wasn’t able to ignore. And Riku was in love with him enough to just his presence and his normal gentleness turn him into a mess summarized in sweaty hands and a heart hammering fastly inside his chest. 

Daeyoung wasn’t trying to be subtle, either. What made the whole situation clearer to Riku’s mind — that Daeyoung was purposely trying to be close to him again — was when he found him sitting at that wobbly bench, at the smokers area (where he would never be, since he hated cigarette's smell, but it was where he knew that he would find Riku, eventually). He was holding two cups, one coffee and one smoothie, with his thin lips pressed, forming a straight line. His forehead stayed frowned until his eyes reached Riku’s presence, walking shrank and slowly because of the coldness and because of the pressure that Daeyoung’s small eyes were causing on his guts.

Daeyoung was smiling and Riku didn’t even try to smile back, neither tried to force himself to. He licked his lips, which were a bit dry as a result of the cold weather, and walked uncomfortably inside the several layers of clothes he was wearing; while tightening his grab in the pack of cigarettes on his hands, trying his best to not show how affected he was in that situation. Daeyoung didn’t wait for Riku to reach him, instead, he got up and walked till him, leaning the cold smoothie — probably, a mango smoothie, as Riku noticed — towards him, wrapped around a handwarmer. 

Riku just stared at the condensation smoke that came out of his thin mouth.

“Hi, hyung.” His voice sounded as gentle as his eyes always were.

Riku's throat felt hurt, itching annoyingly, and his eyes felt heavier inside his skull. He didn’t have enough courage to stare directly at Daeyoung’s face, and, instead of doing it, he landed his eyes at Daeyoung’s shoulders, which were covered by his usual trench black coat. When he grabbed the cup from Daeyoung’s hand without saying anything, the cold liquid inside it didn’t hurt his bare hands (since he, like always, had forgotten his own gloves), and Daeyoung was so gentle that he obviously made sure to wrap it around a handwarmer. Riku tried to ignore how the normal gentle care coming from Daeyoung warmed his ribs and his cheeks in the midst of that negative temperature in Seoul.

“Thanks.” Daeyoung smiled and nodded in reply, while Riku took a sip in the smoothie. It felt overwhelming how it tasted exactly as it would if it was him who bought it.

They stayed silent, sat beside each other, discomfortably. In real life, Riku didn’t have a chance to ignore Daeyoung’s presence, it wasn’t possible to block Daeyoung when he was sitting right at his side, sipping the coffee on his hands sometimes (and Riku couldn't even have courage enough to block him online, either). If they were still together, Riku would probably offer his own straw to him, and joke about how they kissed indirectly, just to annoy Daeyoung. But they weren’t, so Riku just drank his smoothie and Daeyoung drank his coffee, both of them silent, not knowing exactly what to do.

When Riku finished, he placed the empty plastic cup between his feet, to free his hands to be able to grab his pack of cigarettes. Meanwhile, Daeyoung, who was sitting beside him, adjusted himself, which made his thigh rest intolerable close to Riku’s. This — now — unusual closeness warmed Riku’s inside, until the point that he thought of taking off his thick coat, because his sweat was starting to stick in his skin. 

Trying his best to ignore everything, including the person beside him, Riku lit up his cigarette, doing what he was intending to do since he left his calculation class and walked till that place in that cold weather. He didn’t bother to offer one to Daeyoung, since he knew that he wouldn’t accept it. 

While Riku was exhaling the smoke far away from Daeyoung’s face, he couldn’t contain his eyes from staring at how Daeyoung’s leg was moving, fastly and anxious. He had to contain the thought of touching it to calm him down, like he did multiple times when they were still friends. Then, Daeyoung broke their terrible silence, all of sudden.

“Hope you’d like it, hyung. I don’t know if I got the right amount of sugar,” he laughed, trying to ease the mood, and Riku almost choked with the smoke. 

It was obvious how nervous Daeyoung was and the way his leg was moving, touching directly Riku’s thigh directly, started to annoy him. Riku tightened his grip on the tiny handwarmer he was keeping inside his coat pocket, trying to avoid his thoughts about touching Daeyoung, and he remembered that the handwarmer was exactly from the person he was trying to ignore. He couldn’t keep it, not in the circumstances they were in the moment. Because of it, Riku decided to return it to him, landing it on Daeyoung's softened hands, which were resting above on his own thighs.

Daeyoung sighed, and, for a moment, it looked like he wanted Riku to keep the handwarmer. Riku ignored how his heart ached by seeing it, and stared at how Daeyoung grabbed the handwarmer with strength, before looking away to stare blankly at the frozen garden at their front.

“Thank you, Daeyoung. You didn’t need to.” Riku replied while inhaling his cigarette. He felt almost crying, his eyes itching and his nose suddenly sniffing. It didn’t happen probably due to the amount of nicotine running on his blood, calming his nerves. Because seeing how trembling Daeyoung’s hands were, knowing damn well that he wasn’t allowed to hold them to warm and calm him down was painful, as if he was being stabbed on his chest, exactly on his heart. 

“It was my pleasure…” His nervousness was so oblivious that his voice came out hoarse, almost stuttering and all that Riku could think was how cute he was, unfortunately. “So… See you around, Riku.” Daeyoung got up and didn’t let the chance to Riku reply to him, walking straight forward, leaving him alone again.

The way he stumbled on his own feet made Riku laugh a bit. He was still that clumsy kid he met, after all. Riku eyed at his silhouette, walking a bit too fast for the way the floor was covered in snow — due the risk of slipping. But what intrigued Riku the most was seeing him entering the wrong building, the building not matching his next class. 

It took a while for Riku to realise the cigarette was almost burning his fingers. He smashed the cigarette butt on the floor and bent his head, leaning it on his weak knees. The way he could feel the mango taste blending with the bitterness from the tobacco almost made him throw up. It was ridiculous, almost ironic, how Daeyoung seemed to think he could act with him that way, inserting himself again in Riku’s life after saying in his face that he didn’t want to see his face again. And it felt even more ridiculous how Riku was affected by that, how he actually liked it; as if he was a pigeon feeding with crumbs. 

Day by day, Riku was acting like that. Eating, devouring all that tiny attention he was gaining from Daeyoung, who seemed even more determined in taking them into square one when the subject was to get over with everything they had.

Since that accident meeting at the smokers area, Daeyoung didn’t try to talk with Riku again. At least, not in person, not face to face; since his texts were constantly buzzing Riku’s phone. But what annoyed him was the fact that Daeyoung seemed determined to show up at every place that Riku used to frequent at the college campus. The way Riku bumped into him at the calculation III section at the library felt ridiculous. Daeyoung didn’t even have any math subject in his major. 

Alongside with the fact that he was, basically, obliged to see Daeyoung’s face everywhere, it was worse because almost always, Jiwoo was there too. Her short hair side by side with Daeyoung's wide shoulders, this now common view stressed Riku till the point of smoking even more. If Yushi knew how many packs of cigarettes he had bought every week, he would probably kill him. If not, the nicotine would. But dying seemed better for Riku’s mind, rather than having to see Daeyoung and Jiwoo walking together, acting lovey-dovey at every place he stepped on the campus. 

Riku stopped labeling those meetings as accidents or coincidences when he saw them entering the coffee shop he worked at and he introduced to Daeyoung. It was far away enough from the campus, so no one was brave enough to walk there just to study when they had many options nearby — except for Riku, since it was the only place that sold mango smoothies the way he liked to drink.

They were walking suspiciously close, side by side, and Riku wasn’t able to see their face properly at first, since he was wiping a table when he realised their presence there. The way he felt his stomach hurt, as if he was almost throwing up, felt horrible. It felt worse, as if his internal organs wanted to jump out of his body, when he saw Jiwoo intertwining her fingers with Daeyoung’s. Her hand was tiny, delicate, nothing like Riku’s hands, and it felt pitiful. He felt dizzy by that view, because it was actually pretty — the way their hands matched each other, in a way that Riku’s mainly hands could never fit Daeyoung’s hands like. 

A desperate raw feeling lodged deeply inside Riku’s heart when he saw how Daeyoung tightened his grip on Jiwoo’s hand, because it felt stupid how many tries he had to take until Daeyoung finally accepted holding his hands. Even though they were still hidden between four walls and below Riku’s sheets, Daeyoung was still insecure about intertwining his fingers with Riku. He always blamed the cigarette smell glued on Riku’s skin, even after he washed his hands, as if it was the main reason for his determination to deny it. As if it was not the fact that he didn’t want to be intimately affectionate with Riku. 

It hurt to see how natural and easy it seemed to do it with Jiwoo for Daeyoung.

As if Riku was the actual problem. 

She was staring directly at Daeyoung’s face, nodding as if she was wanting him to talk more. 

Unlike the other times he bumped into them, his presence was obsolete and he passed unnoticed, not receiving that usual polite nod from both of them. But it wasn't what bothered Riku, because his apron started to feel too tight and he felt those stupid tears pouring down on his face. He felt childish, him and Daeyoung were nothing, as he said on his face that night. Riku didn’t have the right to cry like a kid who had their candy borrowed; but he felt exactly like one, seeing the boy he was crazily in love having a date with a beautiful girl in the place he worked at. 

His legs felt like gelatine, trembling, softened when he walked without thinking to the changing room, taking off the apron as soon as possible, since it was really choking him. He didn’t say anything to his co-worker, and left the coffee shop from the back door. The coldness outside hit him harder than it should, since he was wearing proper clothes to the weather. But maybe it was due his warm tears on his eyes, heating his whole face, or maybe because his lungs weren’t working at full potential since he saw Daeyoung and Jiwoo. With his head dizzy, Riku landed his forehead at the brick wall from the coffee shop, trying to catch his breath. 

The tears on his eyes were turning everything blurry, and matching with the fact that he was barely breathing made everything worse. His chest was heavy, hurt, as if it could explode at any second by the way it was beating, fast. Riku groped his own shirt, right on his chest, trying to hold his heart with his trembling hands, in a way of calming down his own panic.

Daeyoung didn’t have the right to mess up with him like that. It was almost as if he wanted to show, to wipe on Riku’s face how he was doing great, how mature and grown up he was. How he was able to surpass all those homosexual tendencies. Unlike Riku, who was childish, gross, and incapable of getting over him, of getting over something it wasn’t even real.

He didn’t know how much time he spent with his forehead pressed against the back door walls, thinking non-stop about how Jiwoo was someone that Daeyoung would like to live his life with. How he wanted to show that for Riku, at the point of taking her to the coffee shop he knew Riku worked at. It felt gross, ridiculous, and when he finally catched his breath — sniffling, with teary eyes and with his face completely dirtied in phlegm — he walked to his apartment, as fast as possible, smoking as much as his already low pressure was able to hold.

Back to his home, with every light off, in the complete dark, Riku laid on his bed with the same clothes he used on work. He didn’t have enough strength to take a bath, nor to change to a more comfortable one. His chest was panting and he didn’t know why he felt that anxious, but he knew that Daeyoung was the principal precursor in his discompassed breath symphony. 

Shutting his eyes tightenly, thinking about dying wasn’t too bad. It felt easier than living in a world where he couldn't be the girl that Daeyoung was chasing for spending his life with.

Daeyoung’s daily texts didn’t stop and Riku wasn’t even thinking about replying to them. Leaving his apartment to attend his classes was not on his plans as well, and even though everything was still super messy, Riku was trying to deal with his college obligations and planning to leave effectively his part-time job at the coffee shop. Thinking about stepping outside his house and bumping into Daeyoung and Jiwoo again was a terrible idea for Riku’s anxious mind. It was worse thinking about this possibility because he knew he would feel ill, like he felt at the last time this unfortunate scenario happened. It was just one of those unfortunate things, and it seemed that those bad things always happened to Riku.

During his new period of isolation, the only two people who contacted him in real life were Yushi and Ryo.

Ryo, cute as always, appeared at his door holding a few plastic bags, filled with homemade Japanese meals that his mom sent to him for the holidays. Riku tried his best to deny and, while they had dinner at his dirty and depressed apartment, Ryo insisted, holding his hands firmly and looking directly in his eyes — with those puppy-like pupils.

“I think you need it more than me,” he said and Riku had to hold his chopsticks for his life to not cry in front of his younger friend. 

Unlike Ryo, Yushi didn’t talk with him at all. He wasn’t the type to physically comfort — also different from Ryo, who almost slept on Riku's couch letting him cry on his shoulder —, but his steady and calm presence helped Riku as well. Yushi really helped Riku, in his Yushi-way.

When he opened Riku’s apartment entry door, without knocking since he knew the password, he found Riku almost two weeks without properly showering. His hair was damp, gross, greasy, and he wasn’t smelling good too; but Yushi didn’t care when he held him by his shoulders and landed Riku below the shower. He washed Riku’s hair, calmly, in silence, and didn’t ask the reason why Riku cried copiously when he felt Yushi’s fingers on his scalp. Yushi dried his hair carefully and didn’t ask, as well,  why Riku’s eyes were that swollen and red. He even didn’t touch Daeyoung's name again. And the most surprising thing was the fact that he didn’t complain when Riku smoked three cigarettes in a roll while glued to his side, both of them sat in Riku’s filthy living room.

But nothing stopped Riku from isolating himself. And when he less expected, time passed, and it was officially winter. The year-end break was close and everyone was officially temporarily free from college obligations. Riku was graduating the next summer and, for him, it felt crazy. Time was passing right in front of his eyes and he wasn’t even realising, nor knew what to do about it.

His mother sent a cute postcard to him, celebrating christmas and while opening it, Riku felt a bit down for not having planned a trip to Fukui during this tiny break. He missed everything; his mother, his sisters, the salty aroma coming out from the sea. Maybe Fukui was a better choice than whatever he was doing in Seoul.

His phone buzzed above the coffee table and it took his attention, because he was waiting for a message from Sakuya; who promised to send him the slides from the last classes that he wasn’t able to attend. But it wasn’t Sakuya, instead, the KakaoTalk notification showed clearly Daeyoung’s contact (which was uncomfortably still with a heart), and a photo embedded below. 

Riku didn’t think too much before opening their group chat — which he didn’t mute again since the pub accident — and smiled at the first message. It was a photo from Sion, his dog wearing a deer costume on Yushi's lap, which Riku instantly reacted with a red heart. The next one was from Ryo, and it was his mother hugging Sakuya, who was trying not to show how happy he was. Riku reacted with a heart too, and noted mentally to send a message for Sakuya, asking about the slides once again. But Sakuya was indeed as cute as Sion’s dog, and deserved that red heart reaction too.

What suddenly changed his mood was seeing Daeyoung’s message on his phone screen, below his fingers. His phone was cold, differently from his cheeks and neck, who were warmer than necessary. He held his phone tightly, trying to process what his eyes were seeing — what Daeyoung sent. 

It was a selfie, a simple family one. His whole family, maybe in Daegu, together. But what caught Riku’s eyes was someone who was politely sitting beside Daeyoung and his mother. Jiwoo. She was wearing one cute sweater, and had a contained pose: just a smile. What really itched Riku's eyes was Daeyoung. He was smiling, smiling big, until the point that his not snaggle tooth showed between his thin lips. One of his arms was wrapped around Jiwoo’s tiny shoulders, and they seemed happy together.

But it confirmed what Riku always knew. What he always waited to happen. Daeyoung would never love him back and, unfortunately, he would never be in Jiwoo’s place. He couldn’t be. He was almost insignificant as a grain of sand. 

His body was trembling, his head was dizzy, and the only thing he was able to think was to completely turn off his phone. Then, he loosened his grip on it, feeling how tense his fingers were while he was staring at the photo. Breathing heavily, Riku didn’t care about where his phone landed on the dirtied floor and, trying to not care about the concerning amount of tears coming out from his swollen eyes as well, while he got up. Walking to his bathroom seemed like a complicated task to his trembling legs, but while doing it, he took the opportunity to take off all his clothes to wash himself. 

His skin was almost feverish, warm, dirty, and he didn’t have anything on his mind when he squatted below the shower after turning on the water. The warm drops were blending with his silent tears, and he didn’t care about how unclean it was to sit on the floor of his bathroom, since he was dirty too.

Thinking about all those days Riku passed trying to get over Daeyoung’s presence, in his whole life, that one was the worst of them. Daeyoung wiped on his face how Jiwoo was someone better, someone worthy of love. While him, Maeda Riku, was still an idiot smoker, dumb, childish, wrong, homosexual, and very in love with Daeyoung.

The water touching his bent back was the only thing that his body was able to feel. Riku tried to shrink as tiny as he could, as if he was able to be sucked in the drain with the water dropping from his skin. His heart was aching inside his chest, and he was sobbing out loud, drooling and trembling like a newborn begging to return to its mother's womb.

All that his brain was about to think, focusing on the pressure of the water on his skin, was Daeyoung’s hands. How he, shyly, pressed and brushed them on his back when they kissed passionately. Daeyoung was inexperienced, but he never acted anxious with Riku. It was Riku who acted rashly when they were together. His kisses were always too wet, sloppy, but Daeyoung touched and treated him with delicacy, tenderness, when kissing him. Riku always felt mesmerized by how Daeyoung’s eyes seemed to sparkle, tinier when he was bending to connect their lips. His mouth always moved slowly, so was his tongue, sweet, patient, as if Daeyoung wanted to memorize each of Riku’s teeth with his muscles.

On the rare times that Riku had the chance of waking up with Daeyoung resting by his side, he lost the count of how many of them he spent staring at him sleeping. His smashed face against Riku’s pillow, his ajar mouth, drooling a bit, and his trembling eyelids. Riku would never be tired of this vision. Sometimes, he would even let himself be a bit bold to leave a few lightly pecks in all of Daeyoung’s moles, resting on his sleepy face. The one that Riku liked the most was the tiny one, right below his bottom lip, alongside the other a bit more hidden, discreet — which was seen just if you were close enough to his mouth — trapped inside of Daeyoung’s rosy lips. His hair, spread, flossy, in Riku’s mattress, with a calm expression on his face. It was like, in those moments, which Riku liked to keep only to himself, Daeyoung was his. Just his. And he was, at least during those few seconds that Riku was able to drink from his unconscious presence.

Walking to his room staggering, Riku thought about how happy Daeyoung was looking in the photo he sent. He even thought about searching for his phone to have a glimpse of it again, but he gave up when his aching muscles and damp skin touched his mattress.

Riku even drooled a bit on his sheets while trying to throw up what was trapped inside his throat, as if he could pour all the sadness trapped inside him out. He didn’t wear anything, he didn’t even dry his body before leaning on his bed. But, at a certain point, Riku just blacked out above everything, feeling his heart pulsing on his ears and inside his ribcage. 

He didn’t want to think about Daeyoung, didn’t want to suffer for someone who clearly wasn’t even caring about him. 

Before his vision was completely dark, between his panting breath, Riku remembered Fukui. And then, he knew that Seoul wasn’t feeling like his home anymore. 

Riku was staring blankly at his laptop monitor, opened above his thighs, reading his opened e-mail draft again and again. He wrote word per word without thinking too much, his hands trembling, even though he wasn’t feeling affected at all by the letters in front of him. Majoring business wasn’t his passion, anyway, and Riku knew he could have another future for his life; but leaving the college was, in fact, a step into his new life. 

A step he needed to take, in order to effectively trap Daeyoung forgotten in his past.

Breathing deeply, feeling the thick air from his room filling his empty lungs, Riku pressed enter and confirmed, finally sending the e-mail. After that, he closed his laptop and stared at his feet, covered with those cute socks his cousin gifted him last Christmas. They were fitting his foot fingers as gloves, and had a cute kitten face drawn in the middle. Even though Riku found them really cute, the only thing that crossed his inner thoughts was how Daeyoung always laughed when he saw him wearing those socks. And how he, wanting and craving to hear Daeyoung’s muffled laugh, always made sure to wear them in his presence. 

His stomach dropped, his chest felt empty. It was strange to think about how they shared good memories, because all Riku could feel remembering them was coldness; his ribs echoing in pain inside him. 

Riku didn’t eat any proper food, and didn’t have enough courage to turn on his phone — which he stared sadly at, while it was charging at his side, since the screen was a bit cracked due to the impact when he dropped it on the floor. But, eventually, he had to gather this courage to turn it on again. Because he had to tell his mother about his sudden trip to Fukui (and how he wasn’t planning to come back at all).

Riku couldn’t tell if the weakness crossing every inch of his body was due his lack of food, or due the fact the only thing that entered his mouth during the last hours was the smoke from all cigarettes he inhaled. Or due to the feeling of, officially, not having Daeyoung anymore. Not because they broke up the messy and non-existing relationship they had, yet because Daeyoung moved on. She was with Daeyoung, and he was dating her — and having a future with her, engaging in marriage and probably a  whole family at some point in the future. While Riku stayed suffering for something meaningless to him, trembling alone in his dark and damp room. 

His hands were trembling and tingling the whole time. He wanted to feel the will of punching Daeyoung’s face, of beating him at the exact second he entered the coffee shop with Jiwoo by his side. But not for moving on, instead, because Riku wanted to be angry with him. Wanted to feel something beyond his emptiness, beyond how much he was actually missing his gentleness. And Daeyoung was responsible for that, for treating him so well all time they interacted, for turning Riku hopelessly in love with him; without having the meaning of corresponding his desperate feelings.

When Riku thought too deeply about his impulsive decision, he felt a bit bad about his friends; especially Yushi — who Riku didn't know how he hadn’t broken the entry door of his apartment at that point. He even cried while buying the tickets to Fukui (one-way), and prayed to have Yushi’s body materialize in front of him and prevent him from being reckless about his future due a painful situationship. It didn’t happen, of course, and Riku felt way more stupid trying to act like his bad and blue situation wasn't real. 

But the only way of suppressing and dealing with his feelings towards Daeyoung — closing and shutting them down, moving on — was staying far away from him. Riku could never move on while being physically closer to Daeyoung, never.

When his phone turned on again, lighting up his dark room, it wasn’t a surprise the amount of missed calls and texts, especially from Yushi. His mother called too, probably to wish him a merry christmas or something. And, even though Daeyoung was blocked, Riku felt his stomach cold when he thought about receiving something from him too. He didn’t receive, and didn’t want to, as well.

Trying to organize his messy thoughts and blinking to adjust his blurry view, Riku messaged his mother. He told her about his sudden trip — not mentioning all the details and justifying it due the year-end recess — and smiled a bit about how excited and happy she looked through the texts. After that, with his hands trembling and trying to swallow everything, he decided to call Yushi back.

Riku didn’t wait more than one second to have the call answered, something he was already expecting since he accumulated almost fifty missed calls from Yushi on his KakaoTalk notification’s bar.  

“Hi…” His voice felt a bit strange, hoarse, after almost a day without using it. Shrinking himself on his big and loosened hoodie, Riku felt tiny and insignificant; wanting to cry just by having Yushi breathing on a call with him. 

“Riku…” Yushi’s voice wasn’t good either, which made Riku tear up, feeling even worse knowing he affected someone with his bullshit. Yushi sighed and Riku sat straight, sniffling while waiting for his friend's next words. “I don’t even know what to say. I just– I wish I could see you now.” 

“I wish I could see you, too,” Riku confessed, slowly, because in reality, he didn’t want to bring Yushi into his mess. But he knew Yushi well, knowing he wouldn’t care about his words and would come to him anyway.

Riku was the weakest between them. He always knew that.

“I know you’re not doing great but– please. Don’t be an idiot. Don’t do anything stupid.” His tone felt affectionate, despite his harsh words and the fact that Yushi’s voice tone was nothing but soft didn’t help with the authoritarian mask he tried to put on while scolding Riku.

It was funny how Yushi knew Riku so well, how Riku acted so predictably. He felt dumb, tiny and empty, lost in his own decisions. But he had to take action to prevent his feelings from hurting more, and Yushi should forgive him for his idiot and impulsive decision to drop out of college to move back to Fukui. Just thinking about how he would feel, bumping into Daeyoung (and probably Jiwoo, too), after everything that happened, after everything he felt in those past hours — surviving with the emptiness, consuming him inch for inch — was bad. 

“I’ll be back before New Year’s Eve, Riku. Please, don’t be– don’t do anything,” Yushi interrupted his thoughts and Riku shrank, laying on his bed and grabbing his sheets tightenly. Even though he already had tears pouring down his face, he didn’t want to sob, to cry hard, because Yushi would be able to hear how weak and cracked he was. “I promise to you, I’ll be on your side. I’ll spend the time you want me to on your side, until you feel good again. But please, don’t disappear again. We —I worry about you.”

Hearing Yushi’s words was hard for Riku. Lodged inside of his chest how frankly, sincere, Yushi’s voice was, until the point of feeling his stomach hurt, wanting to throw up after processing what his friend said. Riku knew he wasn’t worth having such good people around him, not when he always acted like a dramatic teenager, not even thinking twice before isolating himself when he wasn’t feeling good.

He didn’t have enough breath inside of his lungs to answer Yushi. And, probably knowing in what condition his friend was in, Yushi decided to hang up. But before doing it, he whispered a tiny “I love you”, which broke Riku’s heart in tiny pieces, making him sob like an idiot while trying to answer, but Yushi didn’t let the chance of doing it. It was rare to hear those words from Yushi and, despite his terrible condition, Riku felt a bit happy about it. Even though he was completely gross, disgusting, Yushi would accept him and love him, as he was. 

Even breathing was hard at that moment and, sometimes, Riku caught himself panting, breathless, even though he wasn’t having any physical effort while lying on his bed. Thinking about Daeyoung, about how he seemed to feel towards him — disgusted — caused a suffocating pain in Riku’s chest, until the point of him feeling breathless. His lungs ached and his condition just got better after lighting up a cigarette, which felt ironic, but worked well.

He couldn’t prevent himself from worrying about Daeyoung. He couldn’t because, after all, Riku was still able to feel the touch of Daeyoung’s big hands above his, his delicate, soft and warm fingers wrapping around his skin. He was still able to hear all those melodies Daeyoung used to play for him on the college’s piano, even though Riku wasn’t caring about their names, nor their rhythms. After all, the only thing that he cared about at those times was Daeyoung, with his tiny and focused eyes, his thin lips frowned and the mole on his hand moving in synchrony with his calm movements. All that Riku wanted to do, at those moments, was to sit beside him, was to rest his head above his shoulders and stare at him, quietly, closer; memorizing each detail, each inch possible from Daeyoung’s face.

In a complete mess with his painful memories and remembering Daeyoung’s warm touch on his tight skin, mixed with his tears and sobs, Riku blacked out again on his bed, tired from suffering. He knew that, even though he might move on from Daeyoung, he couldn’t ever be able to stop loving him effectively. It wasn’t just love, love, like loving an animal or any specific weather, but something more visceral, eating him inside out, without limits. He loved Daeyoung, probably how he should love himself. 

And what was lodged in his mind was how he knew that Daeyoung didn’t have the dimension of his feelings, nor corresponded in the same way. 

A sudden loud knock was what woke Riku up. The sound was strong enough to be heard from his room, even through the closed door. He didn’t know exactly when he fell asleep, nor how much time passed since he shuttered his eyes after Yushi hung up their call. His eyes were aching when he opened them, blurry, and his cheeks felt sticky with the amount of dry tears accumulated above his skin. 

The strong knocks didn’t stop, and were coming obviously from the entry door; it sounded like someone punching the woody door for his life. And, in fact, there was someone doing it on Riku’s entry door. He confirmed it after getting up from his bed, still being a bit dizzy and weak, since the knocking was clearly and audible from his living room. At each step, Riku trembled hearing the loud sound, it was probably late at night and the chances of someone knocking hard on his door being normal — especially because his apartment had a door bell  — were minimal. 

Riku unlocked the door with his hands trembling, staring at the password numbers with his eyes itching and his nose sniffling. He was so used to staying in his completely dark room that even the bright numbers from the digital lock caused pain in his already irritated eyes. What he saw behind the door got his knees weak, like gelatine, and caused even more pain inside his body. Because the unknown knocking sound bothering him, at night, almost on New Years Eve, was nothing more than Daeyoung.

He was looking miserable. His small eyes were even smaller, swollen, and his round nose was shining red, visible even though Riku didn’t turn the lights on. Riku decided to shutter his own eyes, feeling his head aching and throbbing just by having that unwanted vision. Even though he, himself, was hurt by the whole situation, he didn’t like seeing Daeyoung like this. He never liked it. And, somehow, seeing him sobbing hard at his entry door felt even more personal and devastating for Riku’s heart than his own pain.

Daeyoung’s body was trembling, and Riku was unable to guess if it was from the insane cold weather outside or due to how bad he was crying. The worst thing was that Riku knew his face probably seemed close enough to Daeyoung’s situation, if not worse than him. He made sure to avoid every mirror from his house during the past few days, so he didn’t have a minimum idea of how bad he was looking.

Daeyoung sniffled, and the low sound made Riku open his eyes again. Staring at his face again, Riku could clearly see the thick tears pouring down his small eyes — visible and bright even through the slightly dim lights from Riku’s apartment. If he could, if it was possible, Riku would want to hold Daeyoung’s skinny cheeks against his hands, to wipe the tears from them. He didn’t do it, but seeing how desperate Daeyoung’s sobs turned when their glaze met hurt deeply inside his chest, as if he wasn’t hurt by his attitudes too.

Riku ignored how his fingers itched, wanting to comfort Daeyoung’s shrunken in a mess in front of him. He ignored how he started to cry copiously too, and tried to ignore how the pain crossed his spine when he remembered why he decided to leave Seoul. How Daeyoung was dating Jiwoo, how he had nothing to do with Riku’s life anymore.

How he had no right to appear suddenly, at night, on his door, crying as if Riku was someone important to him. As if he didn’t spend his days trying to wipe on Riku’s face how he was better, how he was able to surpass everything they had.

In a moment of consciousness from his mental fog, Riku tried to close the ajar door on Daeyoung’s face, in a try to show him that aside from being hurt Riku still wasn’t a fool. He wouldn’t accept the stupid situation he was inserted in. But Daeyoung stopped the door from closing with one of his feet, trying to use his strength to force his body inside Riku’s apartment. 

Riku felt desperate, because he knew he wouldn’t be able to ignore his feelings, he wouldn’t be able to ignore whatever Daeyoung wanted to tell him, and having his presence physically near him made him dizzy — regardless how hurt his heart was. With his hands trembling, he pushed Daeyoung’s body by his shoulder, trying to keep him outside his apartment. It didn’t work, obviously, due their significant strength difference, and Daeyoung successfully sneaked his body into Riku’s apartment. Riku pushed Daeyoung’s softened body against the woody door, and punched his arms, chest, and shoulders a bunch of times, with all of his strength — which was nothing after days of starving in pain inside his room — as if he was able to get a reaction from Daeyoung, or even blame him for showing at his entry door so suddenly.

Daeyoung didn’t stop sobbing, babbling inaudible words which Riku wasn’t listening to. His mind was so cloudy, returning to all those moments he saw Daeyoung with Jiwoo — the family picture on KakaoTalk, their hands intertwined in front of his eyes, the way her short hair was always perfectly aligned to Daeyoung’s shoulder, brushing against him. He didn’t stop punching Daeyoung’s body until Daeyoung decided to stop him, grabbing both of his wrists, his clenched fists softening instantly when he felt Daeyoung’s warm hands wrapped around his skin.

Riku raised up his head, and stared directly at Daeyoung’s red eyes. Both of them panting, sobbing, crying. For a moment, Daeyoung looked away from Riku’s eyes, with his thin lips frowned, as if he was trying his best to hold his tears. 

Riku stared at Daeyoung’s hands, how big they were and how easily Daeyoung wrapped them around his wrist. But what made his eyes teary again was processing how slightly, softly, Daeyoung was holding him. Even though he could break Riku’s arms, if he wanted to. Even though he wasn’t meant to hold someone he didn’t love so affectionately. 

Riku wanted to hate Daeyoung. He wanted to hate how his stomach felt lighter with Daeyoung’s skin brushing against his. He wanted to hate him until the point he was able to ignore his presence, until he could throw ugly words into his face; ‘disappear, I don’t want to see your face ever again’, like Daeyoung did with him. But the only feeling lodged on his chest, craving on his skin, was yearning. How he actually missed Daeyoung in those months he spent far from him. Because yearning was the only thing taking over his whole body, the only one he truly felt when he saw Daeyoung again. Yearning. Jealousy. Love. A blend, a mix of emotions, trapped inside his shaken body, externalized in sweaty hands, an accelerated heartbeat and teary eyes. But feeling Daeyoung’s touch on his skin, the true and real one, after spending sleepless nights repeating their past moments together on his mind — feeling the ghostly touch of Daeyoung’s digits crawling inside his body — even though Daeyoung was actually stopping him from being selfish and taking the best decision for his life at that moment, it felt overwhelming. 

For Riku, it was like tearing and sewing his whole body again, and, even though he didn’t want to extend everything, not wanting to hear whatever Daeyoung showed up to say, he enjoyed the touch, and lingered the moment on his mind. Feeling his grip landing intimately inside his chest.

His ears were muffled, and the only thing he was able to hear aside from his heart knocking on his head was Daeyoung’s heavy panting breath.

“Riku…” His voice was husky, and Riku felt his wrists burning when Daeyoung started to caress them with his thumbs, restrained, as if he was testing Riku’s reactions. And all that Riku did was sigh, mesmerized by how slowly Daeyoung was moving his fingers against his skin. 

It was a relief finally being worthy of his affection again, even though his fingers caressing his wrists shouldn’t mean anything. And even though the tiny touch wasn’t able to feed all the eagerness inside Riku’s chest.

“Hyung, look at me, please.” Daeyoung’s muffled voice echoed far away in Riku's mind, and Riku didn’t obey his needy request.

Daeyoung dropped his grip on Riku’s wrists, which softened next to his body automatically. Riku sighed again, already missing Daeyoung’s touch on his skin, feeling how burnt the parts he touched were. But then, Daeyoung grabbed Riku’s face, raising up his head and making it impossible for Riku to turn away from his gaze. 

Once again, Daeyoung was looking miserable. His thin lips were trembling concerningly and, if Riku didn’t know his heater was on, he would seriously think Daeyoung was freezing out due how trembled his mouth was. He wished he could be stubborn, selfish, wanted to put his feelings on top of everything and move on to Fukui to restart things differently, and far away from his deepest feelings. But the moment he processed how Daeyoung’s whole body was trembling while crying, and how he was holding his face desperately, Riku knew it would be impossible. 

Riku thought Daeyoung could feel his heartbeat through his palms glued on his cheeks and his ears, gently obliging him to look directly at his face.

Riku didn’t know what to say, nor what to do, so he stayed the way Daeyoung was holding him, keeping his teary eyes wide open, glazing at his face. Daeyoung swallowed dry and shuttered his eyes. For a moment, Riku thought about losing him again; this time, Daeyoung would be the one walking home in the coldness and thinking about it hurt deeply inside his chest. Remembering how he cried copiously in the subway, ignoring the other people’s eyes on his face, remembering how their argument felt tiny beside the possibility of not having Daeyoung anymore. 

The thing is, Riku didn’t have him. He never had him. Daeyoung was already dating someone else. Dating a girl. Jiwoo. As he should do.

It hurt deeply inside of his ribs, the ugly feeling throbbing through all of his body. Riku suddenly disentangled himself from Daeyoung’s soft grip, and pushed him hard against the entry door again. The way Daeyoung’s body was softened turned everything easier, and how he let Riku do it without properly reacting hurt too. How his chin was trembling, how his tears were dropping from his face since Riku opened the door, wetting his shirt, was engraved on Riku’s mind.

He wanted to smoke. He wanted to kiss Daeyoung hard against the door. He wanted to hold Daeyoung’s hands and tell him to never cry again. He wanted to be the one allowed to love him. And he wanted to be loved by Daeyoung in the same way.

Riku grabbed the thin fabric from Daeyoung’s shirt, landing his forehead against his own clenched fists. He wasn’t able to hold his tears anymore, and they poured down from his eyes freely, wetting Daeyoung's shirt even more. He felt Daeyoung’s firm arms wrapping around his shrank shivered body, hugging him in a strange position; but not failing in melting Riku’s whole body inside. Riku pulled and pushed Daeyoung’s body against the door, and Daeyoung didn’t even flinch, tightening his hold against Riku’s shivering body. Riku tried to scream against the layers of Daeyoung’s clothes, as if it could transmit the dimension of his feelings to Daeyoung, but his guttural grunt came out muffled, lost in all of his clothes layers.

“Riku, please…” His voice was low and hoarse, and it felt unfair how pretty it felt to Riku’s ears. “Can we talk, please? I need to talk with you, hyung…” 

Riku nodded negatively, and brushed his face against the fabric of Daeyoung’s shirt, wetting the clothing with a blend of drool and tears. Daeyoung raised one of his hands to Riku’s head, starting to caress his messy hair and leaving the other wrapped around Riku’s tense shoulders. 

Riku didn’t reply, not saying anything further from his negative head nod, and not explicitly approving Daeyoung’s request to talk. And yet, Daeyoung decided to speak; knowing well Riku would be willing to hear his shaken voice again. 

While caressing Riku’s hair, slowly, trying to calm down him and maybe himself, Daeyoung sighed deeply. Riku could feel how his lungs were filled with the oxygen absorbed with his forehead pressed on his chest.

“I don’t hope you forgive me, really. But I need to explain everything, because you do deserve an explanation, even without wanting to hear one,” Daeyoung whispered, as if he was telling a secret to Riku, who just nodded to his words. “I’m… I’m not dating Jiwoo.” 

The sudden mention of her name made Riku’s fists even more clenched, and his eyes teared involuntarily. His stomach felt cold, anxious, and Daeyoung kept caressing his hair, even though it was basically useless since Riku wasn’t able to calm down even if he wanted to.

“I didn’t invite her. It was my mother, because she knows Jiwoo’s mother. And after that day in my house, with my brother and you… She just insisted on the idea of me dating someone. I–It just happened to be Jiwoo. That’s what…” Riku hated how Daeyoung’s stuttering and shivered voice affected him. “That’s what happened. I wasn’t— I didn’t want to date her. I just did this— everything — because my mom insisted.”

His smell, the cheap body splash with fig scent, drowned all of Riku’s senses. It was usual, Daeyoung didn’t change it since the last time they talked, but it felt harder to his eager chest. If Riku could, he would live in that way, drowning inside Daeyoung’s scent. Trapped inside him, forever.

Daeyoung sobbed quietly for a few seconds, and Riku felt a goosebump hovering his whole body when he felt Daeyoung’s cold and damp nose touching his nape — warm and sweaty. Daeyoung brushed his face against Riku’s skin, and, for a moment, Riku relaxed on his arms. He didn’t need anything beyond this.

“It was my fault, I shouldn’t have done this to you. I should’ve explained myself, right? I wanted to explain everything, I wanted to talk to you again. But I didn’t know how to… act? I didn’t know if you would want me, I didn’t know if you would want to see me again after our fight,” he actually didn’t know how much Riku wanted him. How Riku would never be able to not want Daeyoung. “I fought with my mother today… We– she annoyed me. She started to talk about marriage, about how she knew Jiwoo would be a great mother, and give her pretty grandchildren. It was like I woke up at that moment, and I said I didn’t want to. She didn’t like it, my reply wasn’t great, but I didn’t care. Riku, I want to choose what I want to do in my life by myself. I know I can do this, I know I can hold my life alone.”

Riku loosened his clenched fists on Daeyoung’s shirt and hugged him slowly by his waist, bumping his back on the closed door. His ear was stuck in Daeyoung’s chest, and he was able to hear clearly how fast Daeyoung’s heart was beating after his confession. Tightening their hug, Riku tried to comfort him, because seeing how hurt his voice was just by telling what happened, hurt inside Riku’s ribs. He knew how important Daeyoung’s mom was for his life and how genuinely hurt Daeyoung was. 

Daeyoung landed his long neck on Riku’s shoulder, fitting and tightening their hug even more. He was still caressing Riku’s head, bending his fingers on his hair.

“Yushi called me tonight, coincidently after the fight my mom and I had. He said you needed me. And, honestly, I would probably throw up everything to run to you even without arguing with my mom. But I didn’t even pack my things, I just bought the last train ticket as soon as possible wondering if I would have time to talk with you. I know you can decide what you want in your life and what you don't want there, but I need you to know I’m feeling ready. I know that, now, I can love you, Riku. With my whole heart. Without regretting anything. Even though you might be tired of waiting for me.” 

If Daeyoung wasn’t holding Riku tightenly, he would probably fall on his knees. His legs shivered, and his head felt dizzy. It felt like a fever dream hearing those words coming out from Daeyoung’s mouth, Daeyoung’s lips, and Daeyoung’s heart. But it wasn’t, and the panting warm breath from Daeyoung mouth, sticking on Riku’s nape was the living proof of it.

“I’ve loved you since we met. I’ve been loving you even after we argued and, fuck, hyung, I wanted to stay with you. I— I wanted to hold you. Every time.”

“Daeyoung…” he sighed, breathless.

“You don’t have to answer me now, Riku. But I want to apologize for messing with you, for saying things I would never want to say on your face, for not being resolved enough with myself to deal with my feelings for you. But now I know, I really love you. With my whole heart.” His warm breath on Riku’s nape, alongside with how he was holding Riku’s head, conveyed to him — even without words — how much Daeyoung desired it, how desperate he actually was.

Daeyoung’s fingers were trembling. His confession was a whisper, low, intimate, just for Riku’s ears to hear; and for himself, to assimilate everything that happened within the last hours. As if saying out loud, even if he were just a whisper between their bodies, could turn everything real, more palpable for both of them. Riku’s eyes were hurt, swollen and he didn’t know how he was still capable of crying, but he cried a couple of tears when Daeyoung said he loved him.

“Riku hyung, I love you. I love you, so, so much.” He whispered one more time against Riku’s feverish skin, and Riku hugged him even tighter. 

“Daeyoung-ah…” Riku whispered back, and Daeyoung shivered. Then, Riku raised up his head, resting his cheek against Daeyoung’s shoulder while still hugging him tightenly. “Please…” He begged, and raised his grip on Daeyoung’s clothes slowly, reaching his shoulders, separating their closeness slightly and grabbing his damp nape. 

Daeyoung opened his teary eyes, staring directly at Riku’s, who felt the air running away from his lungs. It felt incredible to think that Riku was lucky enough to live in a universe where Daeyoung loved him back. Desired him back. Daeyoung wanted him in his life.

“I love you too. A bit too much,” Riku was still crying, like Daeyoung was as well. Licking his dry lips, wet by his salty tears, he proceeded: “I don’t think I can live without you. I– the past months were enough to prove to me that. I don’t want to feel it anymore, ever.” Daeyoung’s hands reached Riku’s waist, and he tightened his grip above the loosened hoodie Riku was wearing. The temperature difference between Riku’s skin and Daeyoung’s cold hands made Riku have a goosebump. “I can’t get over you. Not when you do this to me, Daeyoung.”

“Please, don’t get over me, hyung.” Daeyoung whined so hard that Riku shivered, and Daeyoung smiled, tiny, between his teary messy face. He wasn’t capable of holding his smile, which grew bigger until his adorable dimple popped on his cheek — making Riku’s heart skip a beat. 

“I can’t. Really,” Riku confessed, low, as if he was sharing a grandiose secret, as if it wasn’t clear for everybody how he would never get over Daeyoung in his whole life. 

Daeyoung glued his forehead against Riku’s, and the only thought crossing his mind was kissing him. Riku’s mouth was full of saliva when he stared at Daeyoung’s thin red cracked lips. It felt like a visceral necessity, connecting his lips against the mouth who was responsible for filling his head, his heart, for months. It was like Daeyoung was the thing that connected Riku’s brain to his chest.  

Riku released his grip on Daeyoung’s nape, getting away from their closeness before his body gave up on everything and decided to kiss Daeyoung right away. He was still hurt by everything that happened, even though Daeyoung expressed himself truly for the first time since they met. It felt a bit too good hearing those words coming out from his mouth, a bit too concerning for Riku’s heart — who already chose what to do with his life, a new beginning far away from his deepest feelings for Daeyoung. The rejection was still raw on his chest, hurt, even with all of the euphoria drowning on his body after hearing I love you coming out from Daeyoung’s thin lips.

It wasn’t right, it wasn’t the time, and Riku knew that. Even though the way Daeyoung sighed deeply when Riku straightened his posture and walked until his couch, leaving him alone at the entry hall. A kiss would probably mess everything up again, everything that wasn’t even fully healed, and Riku didn’t want to do it. 

To prevent his anxious mind from acting paranoiac, Riku searched for his pack of cigarettes on top of his couch, trying his best to ignore Daeyoung’s big silhouette following his movements quietly. His hands were trembling when he finally found his cigarettes, everything feeling a bit warmer having Daeyoung’s eyes glued on him. 

“I hope you don’t mind it,” Riku broke their shameful silence, and turned his head to stare at Daeyoung standing shyly at the entry door. Daeyoung was still sniffling, and his eyes were more red than before when he nodded negatively. “Come here.” He walked to Riku’s front, after Riku patted the leather couch, pointing at the empty seat on his side. 

He didn’t sit right away, it took a few seconds — a few stolen glances at the cigarette resting between Riku’s red and swollen lips, followed by a few times swallowing dry. Riku just lit his cigarette when he felt the upholstered sinking at his side, trying to ignore how Daeyoung was staring at his side profile when he inhaled the smoke. It felt gross how his heart was pounding, almost exploding inside his chest just by having Daeyoung’s eyes on him.

Their silence was shameful, because it felt obvious how forced it was, how Riku turned everything on this shameful situation just to prevent himself from finally kissing Daeyoung. But it was the problem, he didn’t want to mess up their things even more. He had a ticket to Fukui planned, had just two more days in Seoul, and didn’t have a plan for coming back. Not until Daeyoung appeared on his door, crying and saying how much he loved him. And Riku was back to square one, completely lost, not knowing too well what to do with his own life, nor with the teary boy trembling and sniffling on his side. 

When he lit up his second cigarette, he decided to offer one to Daeyoung. He knew Daeyoung never smoked — he couldn’t, he was too perfect for it, and he always found the smoke smell gross — but surprisingly, Daeyoung picked up the cigarette, landing it automatically on his thin lips, as if he was familiar with it. Riku smiled, a bit, and throwed his lighter on Daeyoung’s thighs, staring at how complicated the task of lighting up a cigarette looked for Daeyoung. 

When he finally did it, and inhaled the cigarette, Riku laughed, low. Daeyoung started to cough copiously, because he clearly didn’t know what to do, nor how to deal with the smoke entering his clearly virgin lungs. He even shrank himself a bit, and Riku patted his back softly, as if it could help with his desperate cough. 

“I knew you never had a cigarette in your life,” Riku joked, being a bit cynical, since he had no doubts about that information. 

He knew Daeyoung never smoked, nor had done something wrong in his life. But the thing is, he wanted Daeyoung to admit he wanted to smoke just to impress Riku — or maybe, because he wanted to occupy his mouth with something other than Riku’s lips, just like he was doing. 

Riku stared at his shrank back, feeling his chest swollen just by Daeyoung's presence. It felt concerning to his chest, it didn’t feel right. It was almost like those feverish dreams he had during his isolation days. Having Daeyoung sit on his side, even though they were both with swollen faces from crying — felt good. For the first time in months, Riku felt truly good. Even though he was moving to Fukui again, even though a few hours ago he was planning to not see Daeyoung’s face ever again. 

“No…” Daeyoung finally said, after being able to stop coughing. When he raised up his face, Riku saw how red he was, probably for being shy after not knowing how to smoke properly; as if Riku would care about it.

Riku was still smoking, then he thought about something. Suddenly, he landed one of his hands on the leather couch, right at the side of Daeyoung’s head, since he was shrunk. Then, he bent his body and aligned their faces, their panting breaths being aligned as well. Daeyoung was wide-eyed, and Riku wasn’t thinking too well, his brain almost melting inside his head since he didn’t think when he decided to do what he was planning to do. He wanted to kiss Daeyoung so bad, and having his face that close to Daeyoung’s wasn’t helping the feeling inside his body. It was too feverish, but instead of kissing Daeyoung’s lips, Riku just stared at his face, being able to feel how tense Daeyoung’s shoulders went below him. 

“Relax,” Riku whispered, staring at Daeyoung’s red eyes, red nose, and cracked ajar lips, as if he wasn’t as tense as him, as if his heart wasn’t beating inside his throat. 

Daeyoung’s shoulders loosened down, and Riku poured his cigarette on his lips. Inhaling, taking all the smoke as possible inside his lungs, breathing and feeling the nicotine calming his anxiousness a bit. With the hand he was holding the cigarette, he groped Daeyoung’s face, carefully to not burn him. Then, he approached their faces, opening his mouth in front of Daeyoung’s mouth, who opened automatically — almost hypnotized by Riku’s lips movements. The smoke came out clean, fading out into Daeyoung’s lips. Riku felt his stomach twirling with the vision, because Daeyoung was looking unfairly good with his lips parted, his eyes shuttered and the slight smoke rising up on his panting flushed face. He licked his lips and Riku felt his cheeks burning, in a sudden moment of consciousness on how close their faces were. 

Daeyoung stared at him after the smoke faded away, and Riku wanted to bury himself inside his couch. Because Daeyoung’s eyes were smaller, the way they always were when Daeyoung kissed him. As if Daeyoung wanted to do more, wanted to deepen the non-existent touch their lips shared. But he didn’t do anything, and Riku just stared back at him, panting hard, knowing he didn’t think too much to do whatever he did. 

The situation felt more shameful than before, and Riku was praying that the desire to kiss Daeyoung inside his mind wasn’t visible outside, because he was still groping the couch beside Daeyoung’s head. When he understood — the meaning, what he was doing — he withdrew his hand, as if Daeyoung was burning. He was, indeed, starting a fire inside Riku’s chest. When he freed Daeyoung on the couch, Daeyoung sat straight and coughed a bit, trying to loosen up their tense mood. But it didn’t work, and Riku stared another way, ignoring him on his side, ignoring how his stomach was warm and how feverish he was feeling, as if his desire to consume Daeyoung’s lips was burning his organs. 

For a moment, until his second cigarette was done, all Daeyoung did was stare at Riku in silence. Riku smashed the cigarette butt on his coffee table, and swallowed before turning his head to stare at Daeyoung, instead. 

“I’m going back to Fukui, this week,” he whispered, in a secret. Daeyoung licked his lips and adjusted himself, as if he was processing Riku’s words.

“When will you come back?” 

Riku couldn’t stare at how trembled Daeyoung’s hands were. It felt horrible to him to not hold Daeyoung’s fingers, and, sighing, he landed his head backwards, against the couch, staring at his ceiling instead of letting Daeyoung see on his face how much he wanted to touch him. 

“I didn’t buy tickets to come back.” his voice came out low, but Daeyoung heard it, since he moved and Riku was able to hear his clothes kneading. 

The anxiousness on Riku’s mind started to demand a third cigarette, and he didn’t know how to act, since Daeyoung explained himself, explained everything, without even knowing Riku’s plans. Without knowing how Riku wanted to get apart from him, without knowing that Riku even dropped out of college. 

He didn’t say anything and, for a moment, Riku decided to stare directly at him. The lights on his living room were off, and the only source of light was coming from outside his windows, and Daeyoung’s face wasn’t that recognizable — beside how Riku liked to stare at it. Daeyoung landed his eyes on Riku’s face too, and bit his bottom lip, as if he was thinking how he could convince Riku to not go to Fukui, without knowing that Riku wasn’t planning to proceed with his runaway-plan since he saw Daeyoung on his entry door. He couldn’t go away, not without planning to come back, without wanting to come back. Because he loved Daeyoung, a bit too much. And he would always end up coming back to him. 

“When you come back, I'll be here waiting for you,” Daeyoung whispered, as a promise, just for Riku’s ears to hear. He was clearly nervous, grabbing his own shirt with his trembling hands shuttering his eyes, making Riku want to throw his pride away to hug him tightenly, with all of his strength. 

His heart was beating too fast, and, for a moment, he decided to follow what he wanted. Riku didn’t comfort Daeyoung, didn’t give him an assurance of his return from Fukui, nor did say out loud that he wanted Daeyoung to wait for him. Daeyoung stared back at him, as if he was able to know what Riku wanted to say — how Riku wanted to convey him about his return, yes, I’ll come back. Come back to him, on the right time, on the right way. Healed. Riku wrapped his arms on Daeyoung’s shoulders, as a promise, and Daeyoung hugged him back, his long arms completely wrapped around Riku’s tiny waist, while their hearts were beating fastly together. This time, it was Daeyoung who got away but, at that time, Riku knew he was still with him. Having him. Even after thinking seriously about what to do with his future, Daeyoung would still be there, ready to love him. In the same way Riku always loved him, since they met.

It wasn’t exactly the happy ending Riku wanted on his side. But it was, certainly, the beginning of one — better than what they had.