Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

Neil Josten let his cigarette burn to the filter without taking a drag. 

“You smoke?” Kevin’s face twisted into a disgusted scowl. “That’s so unhealthy. You’re an athlete, you should know better. Andrew is bad enough.” 

“Don’t worry,” Abram cut in. “Neil stopped smoking a while ago.”

“Good.” Kevin sat back, but something seemed to occur to him and he sat up again. He turned to Drew and asked, “Do you still—“

“No,” Drew replied. 

“Really?” Kevin seemed shocked, then his face split into a smug smirk. He turned to Andrew with a satisfied look, but Drew interrupted him before he could do more than open his mouth. 

“I can assure you that nothing you have ever said convinced me to quit smoking.”

At this, Kevin scowled again. “Then why?”

Neil noticed Drew subtly glance at Abram, but his eyes stayed no more than a second before they flicked back to Kevin. “I wasn’t fast enough.” He didn’t seem interested in elaborating. 

Dan seemed to come to a realization, and fixed Abram with a questioning look. “Wait a minute, how do you know Neil?” 

Abram stiffened, but relaxed quickly enough that Neil was sure no one had noticed. Well, no one that wasn’t him, Andrew, or Drew, at least. 

“I used to be on the Foxes,” Abram explained easily. “That’s where I met him, along with Drew and the rest of you.”

Dan made a noise of comprehension, and a couple of the other Foxes nodded. As the room fell silent, Abby turned back to the book. 

He didn't want the nicotine; he wanted the acrid smoke that reminded him of his mother. 

“Your mother?” Nicky questioned. His tone was innocent, but Neil tensed defensively anyways. “Does she smoke?”

“Something like that,” Neil responded, and left it at that. 

If he inhaled slowly enough, he could almost taste the ghost of gasoline and fire. It was at once revolting and comforting, and it sent a sick shudder down his spine. The jolt went all the way to his fingertips, dislodging a clump of ash. It fell to the bleachers between his shoes and was whisked away by the wind.

He glanced up at the sky, but the stars were washed out behind the glare of stadium lights. He wondered—not for the first time—if his mother was looking down at him.

“Hold on, what?” Matt interrupted. 

“Your mom is dead?” Seth asked bluntly. 

“Seth…” Renee reprimanded, but Andrew leaned forward and cut her off. 

“No, this is interesting,” he said, sharp grin and piercing eyes pointed straight at Neil. “Looks like mommy’s left little Bambi all alone in the world. Are you going to run back to daddy or is he dead too?”

God, I wish, Neil thought before he could stop himself. Neil knew Andrew was only saying this to antagonize him — Neil had told him that both his parents were dead.

Dan and Matt had bristled up in defense of Neil, but Neil shook his head at them. “I don’t suppose you’d know what that’s like,” he retorted coldly. “Having someone to go back to. Not when you’re busy destroying your own life and taking everyone else down with you.”

“Alright,” Wymack cut in. “Knock it off. We’re going to be here a while, and I’m not going to listen to you two, or any of you,” he cast a look around the room, “argue the whole time. Got it?”

There was a general murmur of agreement, and Wymack nodded for Abby to continue. As she looked down at the page, she faltered for a second, before continuing to read.

 He hoped not. She'd beat him to hell and back if she saw him sitting around moping like this.

A couple of gasps filled the room as Neil shrunk back. Pitying looks were thrown his way, but the moment Matt opened his mouth to say something, Neil cut him off. 

“I don’t want to talk about it. I’m fine.”

“It’s alright if you’re not,” Renee interjected gently. Neil rankled under her attention. 

“Что я тебе говорил насчет того, чтобы говорить, что с тобой всё в порядке?” Drew spoke up, staring at Abram. The Foxes turned to them, startled. 

“Да ладно тебе, ты же не можешь винить меня за поступки моего прошлого «я»,” Abram replied. From his tone of voice, Neil guessed it was a complaint, but he wasn’t sure. He didn’t know Russian yet — at least, Neil thought this was Russian. Did Andrew know what they were saying, or was he just as clueless? Had they learned Russian together?

Neil snuck a look at Andrew, only to see him staring back at him with an inscrutable expression. Neil held his gaze for a moment, then looked away. 

“Hold on, since when do you speak… whatever that was?” Aaron questioned. 

“Russian,” Drew replied, confirming Neil’s suspicions. 

“We learned a while ago,” Abram added. 

“We?” Nicky inquired, a look of gleeful curiosity on his face. “Are you guys friends? Andrew, did you make a friend?”

“No,” Drew and Andrew replied in unison. 

“He hates me,” Abram added. His face was deadpan, but Neil knew himself well enough to detect a trace of amusement in his expression. Drew rolled his eyes. 

Andrew fixed Abram with an intense stare, as though trying to carve open his brain and dig around his mind through sheer willpower alone. He looked vaguely as though he had realized something, and wasn’t quite sure whether he liked it or not. 

“Wait, are we just ignoring the whole ‘abusive mother’ thing?” Allison questioned. 

“Yes,” Neil replied tersely. 

“Don’t worry,” Andrew announced. His usual manic demeanor was back in place, the intense look from before washed clean away. “At least now you and Aaron have something to talk about.”

“Andrew!” Nicky hissed. Aaron stiffened, but remained silent. Andrew sat back, satisfied, and waved a hand toward Abby. 

“Well?” He said, lazy and dismissive. “Don’t we have a book to be reading?”

Abby tossed a disapproving look at Andrew, but continued reading all the same. 

A door squealed open behind him, startling him from his thoughts. Neil pulled his duffel closer to his side and looked back. Coach Hernandez propped the locker room door open and sat beside Neil.

“Hernandez?” Matt shot Neil an inquiring look. 

“My old coach from high school,” Neil explained. 

“Huh. At least now we know vaguely when this takes place.”

"I didn't see your parents at the game," Hernandez said.

"They're out of town," Neil said.

"Still or again?"

Neither, but Neil wouldn't say that. 

“Liar, liar, pants on fire,” Andrew smirked. “How long is your nose now, Pinocchio?”

Neil shot him a nasty look, but stayed silent. If he ignored him, maybe Andrew would get bored. 

He knew his teachers and coach were tired of hearing the same excuse any time they asked after his parents, but it was as easy a lie as it was overused. It explained why no one would ever see the Jostens around town and why Neil had a predilection for sleeping on school grounds.

“You’re homeless?” Seth said, wrinkling his nose. 

“Dude,” Matt scolded, but Seth ignored him.

“No, he’s right,” Aaron added. “Eugh. Can’t believe I’m agreeing with you.” 

“Fuck’s that supposed to mean?”

Allison rolled her eyes. “Oh, shut up,” she snapped. “Can’t you assholes go two seconds without arguing?”

“Maybe we should calm down,” Renee suggested. Her demeanor remained calm as her eyes flicked back to Neil. “Neil, did you sleep at your school often during high school?”

Neil was silent at first, but after a warning look from Andrew, he spoke up. “A bit,” he replied vaguely. 

It wasn't that he didn't have a place to live. It was more that his living situation wasn't legal. 

“What, so you’re a fucking criminal now?”

“Aaron!” Nicky protested. 

“Andrew’s the one with a criminal record,” Dan shot back. “I’m sure the book will explain. Let’s just keep reading.”

Millport was a dying town, which meant there were dozens of houses on the market that would never sell. He'd appropriated one last summer in a quiet neighborhood populated mostly by senior citizens. His neighbors rarely left the comfort of their couches and daily soaps, but every time he came and went he risked getting spotted. If people realized he was squatting they'd start asking difficult questions. It was usually easier to break into the locker room and sleep there. 

“The locker room?” Matt asked. Neil shrugged. 

“They have showers.”

Why Hernandez let him get away with it and didn't notify the authorities, Neil didn't know. He thought it best not to ask.

Hernandez held out his hand. Neil passed him the cigarette and watched as Hernandez ground it out on the concrete steps. The coach flicked the crumpled butt aside and turned to face Neil.

"I thought they'd make an exception tonight," he said.

"No one knew it'd be the last game," Neil said, looking back at the court.

“Oh.” Kevin sucked in a startled breath. “This is the night we came to recruit you.”

Wymack let out a soft grunt of acknowledgement, and a couple of the other Foxes sat up, curious. 

Millport's loss tonight booted them from state championships two games from finals. So close, too far. The season was over just like that. A crew was already dismantling the court, unhinging the plexiglass walls and rolling Astroturf over the hard floor. When they were done it'd be a soccer field again; there'd be nothing left of Exy until fall. Neil felt sick watching it happen, but he couldn't look away.

“God, you really are just like Kevin.” Allison rolled her eyes. 

Kevin shot her a dirty look, but Neil knew the truth behind that statement. Exy was his life, just like it was for Kevin; he couldn’t live without it. 

Neil didn’t know how he’d handle it when he had to leave. He’d gotten a taste of Exy, had finally had the chance to actually play, rather than just stick to the sidelines. He had promised Andrew he would stay for now, but Neil knew he had to leave before their game against the Ravens. It would tear him up inside, having to leave — but Neil knew it was necessary if he wanted to survive. 

Unless… Neil shot a look at his future counterpart. Unless it wasn’t. Abram had clearly gone through something: those scars didn’t just appear from nowhere. But there he was — alive, seventeen years later from what Drew had said. And if Neil still knew Andrew all those years in the future, did that mean he had stayed?

Exy was a bastard sport, an evolved sort of lacrosse on a soccer-sized court with the violence of ice hockey, and Neil loved every part of it from its speed to its aggression. It was the one piece of his childhood he'd never been able to give up.

“Childhood?” Wymack frowned. 

“I thought you only started playing last year,” Kevin said, fixing Neil with a glare. 

“I was just in little league, I haven’t played since I was ten,” Neil replied. It wasn’t technically a lie. “And I played a different position, anyway.”

“Oh?” Renee asked. “What did you play?”

“Backliner.” Neil’s answer was short, inviting no further questions. 

"I’ll call them later with the score," he said, because Hernandez was still watching him. "They didn't miss much."

"Not yet, maybe," Hernandez said. "There's someone here to see you.”

To someone who'd spent half his life outrunning his past they were words from a nightmare. 

“Silly little rabbit,” Andrew cooed. “Running, running, run, run, run. How far have you run?”

“Andrew,” Abby warned, but he ignored her. 

“Go on, rabbit. Run away. Prove me right.”

Neil glared at Andrew. He wanted to protest, but he knew talking would only make it worse. And besides, hadn’t he just been thinking about running? 

Neil leaped to his feet and slung his bag over his shoulder, but the scuff of a shoe behind him warned him he was too late to escape.

Andrew laughed. “Told you,” he said. “Always running.”

 Neil twisted to see a large stranger standing in the locker room doorway. The wife beater the man wore showed off sleeves of tribal flame tattoos. One hand was stuffed into his jeans pocket. The other held a thick file. His stance was casual, but the look in his brown eyes was intent.

Neil didn't recognize him, which meant he wasn't local. Millport boasted fewer than nine hundred residents. This was a place where everyone knew everyone's business. That ingrained nosiness made things uncomfortable for Neil and all his secrets, but he'd hoped to use that small-town mentality as a shield. 

“Huh,” Nicky said. “That’s actually pretty smart.”

Neil shot him a look. He didn’t have to sound so surprised.

Gossip about an outsider should have reached him before this stranger did. Millport had failed him.

Matt let out a soft huff of laughter. “You know, Neil, you’re pretty funny.”

“It’s a shame you’re so quiet all the time,” Allison added. “If you actually spoke your mind and stopped dressing like… that,” she said, motioning to Neil’s clothes, “you might actually be kind of popular.”

There was a soft noise from the direction of the future pair, but when Neil and the others looked over Abram waved them off. “It’s nothing,” he said. 

“Готов поспорить, Кевин хотел бы, чтобы ты не высказывал свои мысли так часто,” Drew said. Abram let out another noise of amusement, then motioned for Abby to keep reading. 

"I don't know you," Neil said.

"He's from a university," Hernandez said. "He came to see you play tonight."

"Bullshit," Neil said. "No one recruits from Millport. No one knows where it is."

“What, you’ve never heard of a map?” Seth snarked. Abby laughed shortly before she continued reading. 

"There's this thing called a map," the stranger said. "You might have heard of it."

A few more of the Foxes started laughing as a slight flush appeared on Seth’s face. “Shut the fuck up,” he hissed, crossing his arms. 

Hernandez sent Neil a warning look and got to his feet. "He's here because I sent him your file. He put a note out saying he was short on his striker line, and I figured it was worth a shot. I didn't tell you because I didn't know if anything would come of it and I didn't want to get your hopes up."

Neil stared. "You did what?"

"I tried contacting your parents when he asked for a face-to-face tonight, but they haven't returned my messages. You said they'd try to make it."

“Wait, did you just use a fake number in place of your parents’?” Dan questioned. When Neil nodded, she continued. “What if they needed to meet in person? What did you do for parent-teacher conferences?” 

Neil shrugged. He didn’t want to give up so much information about himself, but they already knew enough — this extra bit of information shouldn’t matter much. “Said they had work. Or they were sick.”

"They did,” Neil said. "They couldn't."

“I can't wait for them," the stranger said, coming down to stand beside Hernandez. "It's stupid late in the season for me to be here, I know, but I had some technical difficulties with my last recruit. Coach Hernandez said you still haven't chosen a school for fall. Works out perfectly, doesn't it? I need a striker sub, and you need a team. All you have to do is sign the dotted line and you're mine for five years."

It took Neil two tries to find his voice. "You can't be serious."

"Very serious, and very out of time," the man said.

He tossed his file onto the bleacher where Neil had been sitting. Neil's name was scrawled across the front in black marker. Neil thought about flipping the folder open, but what was the point? The man this coach had researched so carefully wasn't real and wouldn't exist much longer. 

“Hold on, what?” Nicky sat up, confusion filling his face. “Not real?”

“You’re saying this is some kind of… what, fake identity?” Kevin snapped. 

In five weeks Neil would graduate and in six he'd be someone else somewhere very far away from here. It didn't matter how much he liked being Neil Josten. He'd stayed here too long as it was.

“Oh, rabbit. Who are you running from?” Andrew’s grin seemed to pierce Neil to his core. Neil knew Andrew believed he was running from the Moriyamas, and was trying to expose him. Neil scrambled, trying to find any excuse. By now he had resigned himself to parts of his past coming to light, but he wasn’t ready for everything to be revealed, especially not this soon. His breathing sped up slightly as his mind raced to find a response. 

“Hey,” Drew cut in. His monotone voice halted Neil’s train of thought, and bought all the attention to Drew. But his eyes were fixed only on Neil. “You’re fine, remember?”

Neil realized with a bolt of shock that Drew was trying to reassure him. Once again, he questioned just how close his future self was with Drew. Neil had never thought he could become anything close to friends with Andrew, but clearly the future was different. Was it the absence of Andrew’s drugs that had changed their relationship so drastically?

Drew studied him for a moment longer. When he confirmed that Neil had calmed down, he turned back to the rest of the room. “Stop asking questions,” he ordered. “Neil’s secrets will be revealed, or they will not. You will find out when it happens.” 

“You can keep reading,” Abram told Abby. She looked at Neil, and when the latter gave her a small nod, she continued. 

Neil should be used to this by now. He'd spent the last eight years on the run, 

“Eight years?” Nicky cried, but he quieted after a sharp look from Drew. 

spinning lie after lie to leave a twisted trail behind him. Twenty-two names stood between him and the truth, and he knew what would happen if anyone finally connected the dots. 

“Alright, stop,” Aaron ordered. He stood up, marching to stand in front of Drew, and jabbed a finger in his face. “I don’t know what your problem is, but the new kid is clearly suspicious. Our Andrew knows it, so you should too. I mean, secret identities? Twenty-two names?”

Drew looked on dispassionately, but Neil noticed a spark in his eyes. What it was, Neil couldn’t tell, but he didn’t think it was good. 

“Neil, I want to believe the best,” Dan spoke up. Neil turned to face her, barely stopping himself from shrinking back at the look on her face. “But we can’t trust you if you don’t tell us the truth.”

Neil opened his mouth to speak. “I-“

“No.” Abram glaring at the Foxes. “I know what it’s like to have your secrets exposed when you don’t want them to be. Neil already doesn’t have a choice. Drew and I have known Neil for years, much longer than any of you have. Trust us when we say that if things are meant to be revealed, they will be. And if we finish this whole reading and you still have important—“ here, Abram cast a glance towards Seth, Allison, Nicky, and Aaron, “—unanswered questions, then you can come to me. Understand?”

There was a reluctant grumble of agreement from the majority of the Foxes. Andrew stayed noticeably silent, as did Kevin and Renee. 

“Good,” Abram said, signaling the conversation as over. Abby started reading as Aaron returned to his seat. 

Signing with a college team meant more than standing still. It meant he'd be stepping into a spotlight. Prison couldn't stop his father for long, and Neil wouldn't survive a rematch with him.

“Prison!?” Matt interrupted, before shooting a guilty glance at Abram. 

“Aw, looks like daddy’s no good either,” Andrew laughed, ignoring the glares tossed his way. “Little Neil really is all alone in the world.” 

Andrew’s eyes pierced through Neil. He knew now that Neil had lied about his father being dead. Neil could only hope the rest of his lies didn’t unravel so quickly.

The math was simple, but that didn't make this any easier. That contract was a one-way ticket to a future, something Neil could never have, and he wanted it so badly he ached. 

“Oh, Neil,” Dan said softly. For a moment, Neil resented her, resented them. He didn’t want their pity, their prying questions. He hadn’t wanted any of this. But he knew it was no more their choice to be here than it was his own. 

At least now most of them weren’t glaring at him with suspicion anymore. 

For a blinding moment he hated himself for ever trying out for Millport's team. He'd known better than to step on a court. His mother told him he'd never play again. She'd warned him to obsess from a distance, and he'd disobeyed her. But what else was he supposed to do? He'd run aground in Millport after her death because he didn't know how to go on without her. This was the only thing he had left that was real. Now that he'd had a taste of it again, he didn't know how to walk away from it.

"Please go away," he said.

"It's a bit sudden, but I really do need an answer tonight. The Committee's been hounding me since Janie got locked up."

“Oh fuck, Janie,” Matt breathed. “I totally forgot. Has anyone checked in with her since she was admitted?”

“Don’t worry,” Renee replied. “I visited her a couple weeks before the school year started. She seemed better.”

“I’ve seen her as well,” Abby added. “She’s as good as she can be, considering the circumstances.” A couple Foxes let out small sighs of relief, one less burden on their troubled minds. 

Neil's stomach hit his shoes at that name. He snapped his gaze from the folder to the coach's face. "Foxes," he said. "Palmetto State University."

Allison’s eyebrows raised. “You figured that one out quick,” she said. 

“Who hasn’t heard of you?” Neil shot back. “Hard not to hear news of the dead-last of the Exy world.”

The man—who Neil now knew had to be Coach David Wymack—looked surprised at how quickly he put it together. "I guess you saw the news."

Technical difficulties, he'd said. It was a nice way of saying his last recruit Janie Smalls tried to kill herself. Her best friend found her bleeding out in a bathtub and got her to a hospital just in time. Last Neil heard, the girl was on suicide watch in a psychiatric ward. Typical of a Fox, the anchorman had said in crass aside, and he wasn't exaggerating.

Matt winced. “Yeesh, Neil,” he teased weakly. “Harsh.”

“Can’t say it’s not deserved,” Kevin scoffed. Some of the Foxes rolled their eyes, while others shot Kevin sharp glares. He ignored this, eyes fixed on Abby as he silently urged her to continue. 

The Palmetto State University Foxes were a team of talented rejects and junkies because Wymack only recruited athletes from broken homes. His decision to turn the Foxhole Court into a halfway house of sorts was nice in theory, but it meant his players were fractured isolationists who couldn't get along long enough to get through a game. 

Nicky shrugged. “Fair.”

“We would be better if some people actually tried,” Kevin retorted. 

“We would also be better if some people actually made an effort to get along with their teammates,” Dan replied, eyeing Kevin and the rest of the Monsters. Seth snickered, and she turned her glare on him. “That goes for you, too, asshole.”

They were notorious in the NCAA both for their tiny size and for getting ranked dead-last three years running. They'd done significantly better this past year thanks to the perseverance of their captain and the strength of their new defense line, but they were still considered a joke by critics. Even the ERC, the Exy Rules and Regulations Committee, was losing patience with their poor results.

Then former national champion Kevin Day joined the line. It was the greatest thing that could happen to the Foxes and it meant Neil could never accept Wymack's offer. 

At this, the Foxes burst out laughing. 

“Wow, Kevin, looks like Neil really hates you,” Allison snickered. 

Neil felt his lips twitch at the indignation on Kevin’s face, but the truth behind his reasoning kept him on guard. 

Abram, on the other hand, seemed to have no such inhibitions, and openly cackled at the expression Kevin wore. Drew watched him with the slightest hint of a smile, amusement and something Neil couldn’t quite identify dancing in his eyes. 

Neil hadn't seen Kevin in almost eight years, and he'd never be ready to see him again. 

The laughter died out quickly, shifting to confusion. 

“Hold on, did you know Kevin?” Aaron questioned. 

Kevin was studying Neil’s face closely, as if trying to gauge where he’d seen him before. Neil held his gaze just long enough to see if there was any recognition behind his eyes, but when nothing sparked, Neil looked away. 

“Oh, the runaway’s hiding something,” Andrew said in a sing-song voice. “I wonder if it has anything to do with what’s hidden away in that safe of his.”

Neil’s eyes snapped to Andrew’s as a sharp bolt of anger shocked through his body. He said he wouldn’t tell. “You said—“

“Relax, rabbit,” Andrew cooed. “I haven’t said a word. Abby?”

Abby hesitated, glancing cautiously between the two of them. When neither Andrew or Neil continued to speak, she looked back down at the page. 

Some doors had to stay closed; Neil's life depended on it.

"You can't be here," Neil said.

"Yet here I stand," Wymack said. "Need a pen?"

"No," Neil said. "No. I'm not playing for you."

"I misheard you."

"You signed Kevin."

"And Kevin's signing you, so—"

Neil didn't stick around for the rest.

“Runner!” Andrew called, laughing. The rest of the room was tense and silent. 

He bolted up the bleachers for the locker room. Metal clanged beneath his shoes, not quite loud enough to drown out Hernandez's startled query. Neil didn't look back to see if they were following. All he knew, all that mattered, was getting as far away from here as possible. Forget graduation. Forget "Neil Josten". He'd leave tonight and run until he forgot Wymack ever said those words to him.

Neil wasn't fast enough.

He was halfway through the locker room when he realized he wasn't alone. There was someone waiting for him in the lounge between him and the front door. 

A look of realization dawned on the faces of some of the Foxes. Neil saw Abram wince slightly, and Neil braced himself for the shouting that he knew was about to come. 

Light glinted off a bright yellow racquet as the stranger took a swing, and Neil was going too fast to stop. Wood slammed into his gut hard enough to crush his lungs into his spine. 

“Neil!” A chorus of voices shouted at once. 

“Oh my god!” Nicky yelled. 

“Holy shit, are you okay?” Matt cried, head snapping around to look at Neil. He almost stood up to check on him, but Neil sent him a flat look. 

“You know this happened three months ago?”

Matt faltered slightly, but Renee was there to pick up his slack. 

“We’re only worried about you, Neil,” She said. Her face was filled with concern that grated on Neil like a blanket of thorns. 

“Don’t,” he replied shortly. He pretended not to hear Drew mutter “Наркоман, у тебя слишком много проблем,” to Abram from where they sat. 

He didn't remember falling, but suddenly he was on his hands and knees, scrabbling ineffectually at the floor as he tried to breathe. 

Neil just barely heard Abram murmur something in Russian, along with the huff of amusement that escaped Drew afterwards. Neil spared a moment to glance at them, but they were both staring intently at Abby, so he ignored them. 

He'd puke if he could only manage that first gasp, but his body refused to cooperate.

Many of the Foxes winced and sent Neil pitying looks. A few sent Andrew and Drew sharp glares, and Neil knew who had correctly guessed who had hit him.  

The buzzing in his ears was Wymack's furious voice, but he sounded a thousand miles away. "God damn it, Minyard. This is why we can't have nice things."

“Andrew,” Dan hissed. “What the FUCK!?”

Andrew shrugged. “You heard his plans,” he said innocently. “If I hadn’t hit him, he wouldn’t even be here. He’d be off with the other rabbits, frolicking across the fields.” He grinned at Neil. “Hey, maybe you’re more of a Thumper after all.”

The upperclassmen were seething; all except for Renee, who was staring at Andrew with an unimpressed and disapproving look spread across her face. “Andrew,” she chastised. “You shouldn’t have done that.”

“Fine, fine,” Andrew sighed. “I express my deepest apologies, or whatever.”

The upperclassmen continued to glare at Andrew, but Neil couldn’t care less. This had happened months ago — he had long since gotten over it. Andrew hadn’t even broken a bone. 

"Oh, Coach," someone said over Neil's head. "If he was nice, he wouldn't be any use to us, would he?"

"He's no use to us if you break him."

"You'd rather I let him go? Put a band-aid on him and he'll be good as new."

The world crackled black, then came into too-sharp focus as air finally hit Neil's tortured lungs. Neil inhaled so sharply he choked, and every wracking cough threatened to shake him apart. He wrapped an arm around his middle to hold himself together and slanted a fierce look up at his assailant.

Wymack already said the man's name, but Neil didn't need it. He'd seen this face in too many newspaper clippings to not know him on sight. 

“Aw, has Neil been keeping an eye out for me?” Andrew teased, smirk spread wide across his face. He sat up and adopted a look of faux innocence. “I’m flattered, but I thought you didn’t swing?”

“I don’t,” Neil said, confused. When had that topic come up? Why did Neil seeing Andrew in newspapers correlate to Neil’s sexuality?

“Ой, ты в меня влюбился!” Abram cried, tone amused and teasing. “И так рано.”

“Shut up,” Drew replied. “You are an idiot.”

“Sure.”

The Foxes watched the two interact with disbelief. It was hard to believe that someone could actually talk to Andrew like that without him pulling a knife on them or something similar. Neil wondered again at the circumstances that had led him and Andrew to become friends, but brushed it off — he had more important things to think about right now. 

Namely, what might be revealed when Kevin finally showed up. 

Andrew Minyard didn't look like much in person, blonde and five feet even, but Neil knew better. Andrew was the Foxes' freshman goalkeeper and their deadliest investment. Most of the Foxes were self-destructive, whereas Andrew seemed keen on collateral damage. He'd spent three years at a juvie facility and barely avoided a second term.

Andrew was also the only person to ever turn down the first-ranked Edgar Allan University. Kevin and Riko themselves set up a meet-and-greet to welcome him to the line, but Andrew refused and joined the dead-last Foxes instead. He never explained that choice, but everyone assumed it was because Wymack was willing to sign his family as well—Andrew's twin Aaron and their cousin Nicholas Hemmick joined the line the same year. Whatever the reason, Andrew was blamed for Kevin's recent transfer.

Kevin played for Edgar Allan's Ravens until he broke his dominant hand in a skiing accident this past December. 

Kevin winced, and Neil frowned. Knowing the truth behind Kevin’s accident, he was sure the whole “skiing accident” excuse rubbed him the wrong way. 

An injury like that cost him his college contract, but he should have recuperated where he'd have his former team's support. Instead he moved to Palmetto to be Wymack's informal assistant coach. Three weeks ago he was officially signed to next year's starting line-up.

The only thing a dismal team like the Foxes 

Dan huffed, but Neil could tell she knew it was true. 

could offer Kevin was the goalkeeper who'd once spurned him. Neil spent this spring digging up everything he could find on Andrew, wanting to understand the man who'd caught Kevin's eye. 

Nicky raised his eyebrows. “Jealous?” he teased. Neil ignored him. 

Meeting Andrew face to face was as disorienting as it was painful.

Andrew smiled down at Neil and tapped two fingers to his temple in salute. "Better luck next time."

"Fuck you," Neil said. "Whose racquet did you steal?"

"Borrow." Andrew tossed it at Neil. "Here you go."

"Neil," Hernandez said, catching Neil by his arm to help him up. "Jesus, are you all right?"

"Andrew's a bit raw on manners," Wymack said, coming around to stand between Neil and Andrew. 

Allison rolled her eyes. “Understatement of the year,” she grumbled.  A few of the other upperclassmen gave murmurs of agreement. 

Andrew had no problems reading that silent warning. He threw his hands up in an exaggerated shrug and retreated to give Neil more room. Wymack watched him go before looking Neil over. "He break anything?"

Neil pressed careful hands to his ribs and breathed, feeling the way his muscles screamed in protest. He'd fractured bones enough in the past to know he'd gotten lucky this time. 

“Sorry?” Matt stared at Neil like he was crazy. “You can tell if you’ve fractured a rib just from feeling it?”

“How many bones have you broken?” Nicky asked. He looked bewildered and vaguely terrified. 

Neil hummed. There was a moment of silence where it seemed like the room was waiting for more, but Neil stayed quiet. Finally, Andrew spoke up. 

“Looks like we’ve got ourselves a real Evel Knievel, huh? Yeowch.” Ignoring the dirty looks sent his way, Andrew leaned back and stared up at the ceiling, arms crossed behind his head as he made loud popping noises with his mouth. 

Abby sighed but continued reading. 

"I'm fine. Coach, I'm leaving. Let me go."

"We're not done," Wymack said.

"Coach Wymack," Hernandez started.

Wymack didn't let him finish. "Give us a second?"

Hernandez looked from Wymack to Neil, then let go. "I'll be right out back."

Neil listened to his footsteps as he left. There was a rattle as he kicked the door prop out of its spot and the back door swung closed with an agonizing creak. Neil waited for it to click before speaking again.

"I already gave you my answer. I won't sign with you."

“Jeez, you’re stubborn, huh?” Matt joked. “Good thing Wymack wore you down.”

Yeah, Neil thought. Sure. Good thing. 

"You didn't listen to my whole offer," Wymack said. "If I paid to fly three people out here to see you the least you could do is give me five minutes, don't you think?"

The blood left Neil's face so fast the world tilted. 

“Holy shit, Neil, are you okay?” Dan asked, sitting up straight. 

“You don’t really hate Kevin that much, do you?” Nicky said disbelievingly. “I mean, I know we were joking about it and all, but…”

“I, I don’t—…” Neil hesitated, stumbling over his words. “I don’t… hate. Kevin.”

The aforementioned man was staring straight at Neil, eyebrows furrowed and a look of intense concentration on his face. “Seriously, what did I do to you?” he asked. 

“Nothing,” Neil said defensively. “It’s not… you didn’t do anything. Abby?”

Although she seemed hesitant, Abby continued reading. Even when the rest of the Foxes — sans Andrew, of course — fixed their gazes back on her, Neil could feel Kevin’s stare boring holes into the side of his head. 

He took a stumbling step back from Wymack, a desperate search for both balance and room to breathe. His duffel banged into his hip and he knotted a hand around its strap, needing something to hold onto. "You didn't bring him here."

Wymack stared hard at him. "Is that a problem?"

Neil couldn't tell him the truth, so he said, "I'm not good enough to play on the same court as a champion."

"True, but irrelevant," a new voice said, and Neil stopped breathing.

He knew better than to turn around, but he was already moving.

He should have guessed when he saw Andrew here, but he hadn't wanted to think it. 

“No, seriously,” Kevin interrupted. “You clearly don’t like me. I want to know why.”

“Isn’t it enough that you’re you?” Seth snipped back. “Oh, I’m Kevin Day, the Golden Boy of Exy, and I think the sun shines out of my ass because my ego is the size of the Midwest and I never had a mother to teach me otherwise.”

Kevin’s face went dark, and Neil knew immediately that Seth had gone too far. The Golden Boy of Exy stood up in a flash and threw himself across the table, fist headed straight for Seth’s face. Kevin got two hits in before Wymack managed to tear the two apart. 

“You,” he said, addressing Kevin. “You sit your ass down, and you do not get up until I say so. And you—“ at this, he turned to Seth, “—go get some ice for your nose. When you come back, I don’t want to hear another fucking word leave your mouth until I say otherwise. Understood?”

“Yes, coach,” the two grumbled, wearing matching scowls. Seth stomped off in the direction of the kitchen, with Allison close behind, as Kevin threw himself back down onto the couch. The room was silent, tension simmering throughout the air. 

After a few minutes, Seth and Allison returned, the former holding a bag of ice against the right side of his face. 

“Listen,” Wymack started once they were all settled down. “I know this is a stressful situation. But we’re stuck here for who knows how long, until we finish reading these fucking books. If what we’ve already read is any example, there’s going to be some tension caused by what we read. But I am not going to permit anyone to take out that tension on the people in this room. Is that clear?”

“Yes coach,” the room chorused. 

“Все еще хочешь стать тренером?” Drew muttered. Abram rolled his eyes. Abby continued reading. 

There was no reason for a goalkeeper to meet a potential striker. Andrew was only here because Kevin Day never went anywhere alone.

Kevin was sitting on top of the entertainment center along the back wall. He'd pushed the TV off to one side to give himself more room and covered the space around him with papers. He'd watched this entire spectacle and, judging by the cool look on his face, was unimpressed by Neil's reaction.

It'd been years since Neil stood in the same room as Kevin, years since they'd watched Neil's father cut a screaming man into a hundred bloody pieces. 

Kevin went pale so fast that Neil would have been worried for him had he not been on the verge of a panic attack. “Nathaniel?” Kevin whispered. His voice was horrified.

The sound of Neil’s birth name ripped through him, pushing him off the edge. His breathing grew faster and his pulse roared in his ears. Neil blinked furiously, arms crossing in front of him in a kind of shield. He grew lightheaded, the people and shapes around him fading into the edges of his perception as his mind turned inward.

He put his head between his knees, hoping desperately it would stop the wave of oncoming dizziness. Neil could feel vomit in the back of his throat, and a stinging pain along his arms; he realized with some sense of disconnect that he had been scratching, angry red lines now decorating his skin where his sleeves had ridden up. 

There were voices around him. Talking. Shouting. Something touched his arm, and Neil threw himself back violently. 

He clenched his hands into fists, nails digging sharply into his palms. It helped distract from the stinging in his eyes and the black crowing his vision. He couldn’t faint, couldn’t cry, not here. It wasn’t safe. It was never safe. 

Especially now that Kevin knew. 

Kevin knew. 

The thought rocked through him, seizing the air from his chest. Neil couldn’t inhale, couldn’t do anything — could only stay, head in his knees, hands pulling his hair, pulling like his mother—

“Neil.”

A voice broke through Neil’s panic. The voice was calm, steady. It reminded Neil of something, but he couldn’t quite place what. 

“Breathe.”

Breathe? Breathe? He was trying. He was always trying, he had tried so hard, and now for what, because his mother, his mother, she would never forgive him—

“Listen.” 

A loud inhale. Silence. A similarly loud exhale. 

Neil tried frantically to copy the breaths, but his lungs wouldn’t cooperate — they seized, sputtered, left him breathless and gasping—

“Can I touch you? Yes or no.”

…Yes or no?

Neil couldn’t remember the last time someone had asked. 

“Head. Nod for yes. Shake for no.”

It felt like it took all the strength Neil had left, but he eventually managed a small nod. Immediately, he felt a firm hand grip the back of his neck. The pressure released him, somehow. All of a sudden, he felt his breaths come easier, and he carefully sucked in a shaky lungful of air. 

Neil stayed like that for a few minutes, slowly breathing in and out. When his vision cleared and he found the strength to lift his head, Neil saw Andrew — no, Drew — crouched in front of him. 

His hand was wrapped around the back of Neil’s neck, gentle and firm. His eyes searched Neil’s face and body carefully, from his dry but surely shiny eyes to the redness still present across his arms. Behind him stood Kevin, still pale and twitching, boring holes into Neil like he thought Neil would disappear the moment he took his eyes off him.  The rest of the Foxes were silent, expressions a mix of horror and worry. 

“Um,” Neil said. His voice was raspy. He tugged down his sleeves. “Sorry.”

“Don’t apologize—“ Dan cried before cutting herself off abruptly. 

“Jesus, Neil,” Nicky breathed. “Are you okay?”

“Obviously he’s not fucking okay,” Seth snapped, but even his voice wavered slightly. 

Neil felt a stare burning into him, and looked up to see Andrew’s eyes fixed on his face. His expression was unreadable, the smile seemingly held up solely through the efforts of the pills lingering in his system. After a moment, Neil could no longer hold his gaze, and looked away. 

His eyes ended up back on Kevin, who looked like he was about to make himself sick. “Nat,” he gasped as soon as he noticed Neil’s gaze on him. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean—“

“Kevin,” Neil interrupted. “Stop.” Kevin stopped. 

Neil motioned for Drew to move, then told Kevin, “Come here.” Kevin dropped to his knees in front of Neil immediately, a stricken look across his face. “Don’t tell them about the Butcher,” Neil said immediately, switching to French to ensure they wouldn’t be understood. 

“Nat— Neil— how are you alive, I thought you and your mother had been—“ Kevin broke off with a sharp gasp. “Your mother? Where is she, how did she agree to—”

“Dead,” Neil reminded. 

At this, Kevin became even more panicked. “Nathaniel, you have to leave,” he ordered. “It’s not too late — you haven’t been announced yet, you can’t let Riko know you’re still alive—“

“Riko?” Neil frowned. “What does Riko have to do with anything?”

“He owns you.” A new voice cut in. Neil looked up to see Abram standing there. Kevin gaped up at him. In the background, Neil heard a few noises of shock, but the trio ignored them.

“Wait,” Kevin said, strangled, “so you’re…” He turned back to Neil. “And you… you’re both— you’re the same?”

“Yes,” Abram replied. “But if you tell anyone, you will regret it. They will ask far too many prying questions at this point in time.”

Kevin nodded silently, eyes darting between Neil and Abram nervously. 

“Hold on,” Neil interrupted. “What's that about Riko owning me?”

“The day you played with us,” Kevin said hesitantly. “The day your father murdered that man… it wasn’t just a game.”

“It was an audition,” Abram finished. “Father was Kengo’s right-hand man, so any position I held would have been the result of nepotism. The Moriyamas gave my— our father two choices. Either we could be sold to the Moriyamas, or we had to be killed.”

Neil could feel himself working up to a panic attack once again. His father was working for the Moriyamas? If he had known his father was being kept on a leash by the mafia, he never would have come back. 

“Stop,” Drew interrupted. The trio looked over at him, startled — Neil had forgotten he was there. Drew turned to Abram. “You can finish your gossip session later. Нилу нужно время, чтобы прийти в себя.”

Abram sighed, but nodded. “When we take a break, come talk to me,” he muttered before standing up and following Drew back to their previous seats. 

Neil slowly made his way back to the beanbag, avoiding the stares of the other Foxes. 

“So are we talking about the whole ‘murderous father’ thing or what?” Aaron said. 

“No,” Drew interrupted before anyone else could say anything. 

“I mean…” Matt ventured hesitantly. “Neil did say his dad was in prison.”

“Neil? Or Nathaniel?” Seth questioned, glaring at Neil suspiciously. “Well? That’s your real name, right?”

Neil felt frozen. He didn't think he could say anything, but to his surprise, Renee jumped to his defense. 

“If Neil is what he prefers to be called, we should respect that,” she said in the coldest voice Neil had ever heard from her. Not that that was saying much.

After a moment of silence, Allison spoke up. “So…” she said slyly. “Abram. You know French?”

“Yes,” Abram replied. “Neil taught me.”

“Neil taught you, did he.”

“...Yes.”

“Interesting.” With a small flip of her hair, she turned back to Abby. Allison’s switch in attention brought everyone’s gazes back to Abby, who began to read once again.

Neil knew Kevin's face as well as he knew his own, the consequence of watching Kevin grow up in the public eye from a thousand or more miles away. Everything about him was different. Everything was the same, from his dark hair and green eyes to the black number two tattooed onto his left cheekbone. Neil saw that number and wanted to retch.

“Rude,” Kevin huffed weakly, but Neil knew he didn’t really mean it. He was still far too pale for it to have any real effect.

Kevin had that number back then, too, but he'd been too young to have it done permanently. Instead he and his adopted brother Riko Moriyama wrote the numbers one and two on their faces with markers, tracing them over and over anytime they started to fade. Neil didn't understand it then, but Kevin and Riko were aiming for the stars. They were going to be famous, they promised him.

They were right. They had professional teams and played for the Ravens. Last year they were inducted to the national team, the US Court. They were champions, and Neil was a jumble of lies and dead-ends.

Neil heard a small noise of understanding, and looked over to see Andrew still staring straight at him. His face was blank aside from the smile stretched wide, but Neil saw a glimmer of recognition in his eyes. Neil tore his gaze away, looking back down at the floor in front of him.

Neil knew Kevin couldn't recognize him. It'd been too long; they'd both grown up a world apart. Neil had further disguised his looks with dark hair dye and brown contacts. 

“Wait, this isn’t your real appearance?” Matt blurted out.

“We knew about the contacts, but your hair is fake, too?” Nicky added.

“You knew about his contacts?”

But why else would Kevin Day be here looking for him? No Class I school would stoop so low, not even the Foxes. Neil's records said he'd only been playing Exy for a year. He'd been very careful this year to act like a know-nothing, even loading up on and lugging around How-To books last fall. It was easy to pretend at first, since he hadn't picked up a racquet in eight years. The fact he was playing a different position now than he'd played at little league helped, since he had to relearn the game from a new perspective. He'd had an enviable and unavoidable learning curve, but he'd still fought hard to not shine.

Dan frowned, eye twitching. “Fought hard… not to shine? Have you been holding back?”

The glint in her eye, and the dangerous look Kevin threw him, told Neil to be careful with his response. “No,” he replied. “Not since joining the Foxes.”

Had he slipped? Had it been too obvious that he had past experience he wasn't talking about? How had he caught Kevin's eye despite his best attempts to stay hidden? If it was that easy for Kevin, what sort of beacon was he sending to his father's people?

“Hold on, your father has people?” Aaron hissed. “What kind of people? How do we know they’re not after us now?”

Abram rolled his eyes. “Well clearly they’re not after us now because we’re trapped in a building with no exit. And I’m sure these books will show you if they do come after you.”

“Hold on,” Dan interrupted. “You think these books are going to show us the future?”

“Drew’s here,” Abram pointed out dryly. “It’s in his past.”

No one had a good answer to that.

"What are you doing here?” he asked through numb lips.

"Why were you leaving?" Kevin asked.

"I asked you first."

"Coach already answered that question," Kevin said, a tad impatiently. "We are waiting for you to sign the contract. Stop wasting our time."

"No," Neil said. "There are a thousand strikers who'd jump at the chance to play with you. Why don't you bother them?"

"We saw their files," Wymack said. "We chose you."

Seth rolled his eyes. “Still can’t imagine why,” he grumbled. Matt shot him a glare.

"I won't play with Kevin."

"You will," Kevin said.

Wymack shrugged at Neil. "Maybe you haven't noticed, but we're not leaving here until you say yes. Kevin says we have to have you, and he's right."

"We should have thrown away your coach's letter the second we opened it,” Kevin said. "Your file is deplorable and I don't want someone with your inexperience on our court. It goes against everything we're trying to do with the Foxes this year. Fortunately for you, your coach knew better than to send us your statistics. He sent us a tape so we could see you in action instead. You play like you have everything to lose."

“Fucking told you!” Allison cried. She motioned between Neil and Kevin. “They’re the same!” A few of the Foxes let out small laughs, but the majority stayed silent.

His inexperience.

If Kevin remembered him, he'd know that file was a lie. He'd know about Neil's little league teams. He'd remember the scrimmage interrupted by that man's murder.

The Foxes winced again, reminded of what Neil’s father had done. A few of them threw looks Neil’s way, to Neil’s relief, no one said anything.

“That's why," Neil said quietly.

"That's the only kind of striker worth playing with."

Relief made Neil sick to his stomach. Kevin didn't recognize him and this was just a horrible coincidence. Maybe it was the world's way of showing him what could happen if he stayed in the same place for too long. Next time it might not be Kevin. Next time it might be his father.

"It actually works in our favor that you're all the way out here," Wymack said. "No one outside of our team and school board even knows we're here. We don't want your face all over the news this summer. We've got too much to deal with right now and we don't want to drag you into the mess until you're safe and settled at campus. There's a confidentiality clause in your contract, says you can't tell anyone you're ours until the season starts in August."

Neil looked at Kevin again, searching for his real name on Kevin's face. "It's not a good idea."

"Your opinion has been duly noted and dismissed," Wymack said. "Anything else, or are you going to start signing stuff?"

The smart thing to do was bail. Even if Kevin didn't know who he was, this was a terrible idea. The Foxes spent too much time in the news and it'd only get worse with Kevin on the line. 

Kevin frowned again, eyes flicking back to Neil. He knew Neil was right, and it was only luck that Neil hadn’t been seen in the public eye so far. The second he was seen on TV, it was only a matter of time until someone realized who he was and Neil would have to run. 

Neil shouldn't submit himself to that sort of scrutiny. He should tear Wymack's contract into a thousand pieces and leave.

Leaving meant living, but Neil's way of living was survival, nothing more. It was new names and new places and never looking back. It was packing up and going as soon as he started to feel settled. This last year, without his mother at his side, it meant being completely alone and adrift. He didn't know if he was ready for that.

He didn't know if he was ready to give up Exy again, either. It was the only thing that made him feel real. 

Neil noticed a couple Foxes look over at him and frown, but he avoided the weight of their stares. He wasn’t in the mood to deal with their pity.

Wymack's contract was permission to keep playing and a chance to pretend at being normal a little while longer. Wymack said it was for five years, but Neil didn't have to stay that long. He could duck and run whenever he pleased, couldn't he?

“What?” Nicky blurted, confused. “You’re leaving?” 

“You can’t leave!” Dan protested. “You signed a contract.”

“Under a fake identity,” Aaron pointed out. “I mean, come on. If he really wants to leave, what’s stopping him?” 

“I am.”

All heads swiveled to Andrew as he spoke, but he only had eyes for Neil. “Neil promised he wouldn’t leave,” he announced. The other Monsters sucked in sharp breaths, but the upperclassmen seemed more hesitant. 

“And that’s supposed to stop him how, exactly?” Allison asked skeptically. She had one eyebrow raised and an unimpressed look pasted across her face.

“I keep my promises,” Andrew replied stonily. No one seemed to want to push further.

He looked at Kevin again. Kevin didn't recognize him, but maybe some part of him remembered the boy he'd met so many years ago. Neil's past was locked in Kevin's memories. It was proof he existed, same as this game they both played. Kevin was proof Neil was real. Maybe Kevin was also the best chance Neil had at knowing when to leave again. If he lived, practiced, and played with Kevin, he'd know when Kevin started to get suspicious. The second Kevin started asking questions or looking at him funny, Neil would split.

"Well?" Wymack asked.

Survival instincts warred with need and twisted into an almost debilitating panic. "I have to talk to my mother," Neil said, because he didn't know what else to say.

"What for?" Wymack asked. "You're legal, aren't you? Your file says you're nineteen."

Neil was eighteen, but he wasn't going to contradict what his forged paperwork said. "I still need to ask."

“Really?” Seth scowled. “Fake name, fake parents, fake fucking age? God, there’s nothing real about you, is there?”

Before anyone could relax, an object whistled through the air and landed with a thump on the coffee table — a knife, point stuck deep in the wood of the table. Everyone’s heads swiveled to Andrew, but he was still sitting back against the couch with his arms crossed. They turned to Drew, but to the Foxes’ surprise, it was Abram who stood with his arm outstretched.

“If you continue talking, you are not going to like what happens,” he said dangerously. He sat back down on his chair and turned to Drew. “Если он скажет ещё хоть слово, я проткну ему обе руки,” he said with a huff. The annoyance was plain on his face. 

"She'll be happy for you."

"Maybe," Neil agreed quietly, knowing it was a lie. If his mother knew he was even considering this, she'd be furious. It was probably a good thing she'd never know, but Neil didn't think "good" was supposed to feel like a knife in his chest. 

Neil winced slightly. His mother had been dead for over a year, but it still didn’t hurt any less.

"I'll talk to her tonight."

"We can give you a lift home."

"I’m fine."

Wymack looked at his Foxes. "Go wait in the car."

Kevin gathered his files and slid off his perch. Andrew waited for Kevin to catch up and led him out of the locker room. Wymack waited until they were gone, then turned a serious look on Neil.

"You need one of us to talk to your parents?"

"I'm fine," Neil said again.

Wymack didn't even try for subtlety with his next question. "Are they the ones who hurt you?"

“Jesus, coach,” Matt said, startled. “Way to soften the landing.”

Wymack rolled his eyes and ignored Matt.

Neil stared at him at a complete loss. It was blunt enough to be rude on so many levels that there wasn't a good place to start answering it. Wymack seemed to realize that, because he pushed on before Neil could respond.

"Let's try that again. The reason I'm asking is because Coach Hernandez guesses you spend several nights a week here. He thinks there's something going on since you won't change out with the others or let anyone meet your parents. That's why he nominated you to me; he thinks you fit the line. You know what that means, right? You know the people I look for.

"I don't know if he's right," he said, "but something tells me he's not far off. Either way, the locker room's going to be shut down once the school year ends. You're not going to be able to come here during the summer. If your parents are a problem for you, we'll move you to South Carolina early."

"You'll do what?" Neil asked, surprised.

"Andrew's lot stays in town for summer break," Wymack said. "They crash with Abby, our team nurse. Her place is full, but you could stay with me until the dorm opens in June. My apartment's not made for two people but I've got a couch that's a little softer than a rock.

"We'll tell everyone you're there for conditional early practice. Chances are half of them will believe it. You won't be able to fool the rest, but that doesn't matter. Foxes are Foxes for a reason and they know we wouldn't sign you if you didn't qualify. That doesn't mean they know specifics. It's not my place to ask, and I'm sure as hell not going to tell them."

“About that…” Nicky said with a grimace.

“It’s not like it’s our choice to be here,” Allison huffed. 

It took two tries to get the word out. "Why?"

Coach Wymack was quiet for a minute. "Did you think I made the team the way it is because I thought it would be a good publicity stunt? It's about second chances, Neil. Second, third, fourth, whatever, as long as you get at least one more than what anyone else wanted to give you."

Neil had heard Wymack referred to as an idealistic idiot by more than one person, 

A couple of the Foxes snorted. “That’s our coach,” Dan quipped dryly.

but it was hard to listen to him and not believe that he was sincere. Neil was torn between incredulity and disdain. Why Wymack set himself up for disappointment time and time again, Neil didn't know. Neil would have given up on the Foxes years ago.

“Aw, Neil!” Matt cried. “You don’t have hope for us?”

“No.”

“He shouldn’t,” Kevin interjected. “With the way you all play—”

“Shut up, Kevin,” the Foxes chorused. Kevin fell silent with a glower.

Wymack gave him a second to think before asking again, "Are your parents going to be a problem?"

It was too much to take a chance on, but too much to walk away from. It hurt when he nodded, but it hurt more to see that tired look settle in Wymack’s eyes. It wasn't the pity he thought he could see in Hernandez from time to time, but something familiar that said Wymack understood what it cost to be Neil. He knew what it was like to have to fight to wake up and keep moving every day. Neil doubted the man could ever really understand, but even that tiny bit was more than he'd ever gotten in his life. Neil had to look away.

"Your graduation ceremony is May eleventh, according to your coach," Wymack said at length. "We'll have someone pick you up from Upstate Regional Airport Friday the twelfth."

Nicky and Aaron tensed slightly, shooting nervous looks at Wymack. It was likely they had just remembered the truth of who had picked Neil up at the airport, and weren’t excited for it to be revealed. Neil felt a slim glimmer of satisfaction. At least it wouldn’t only be his secrets that were being revealed — even though this was minor, he was glad someone else would experience it as well.

Neil almost pointed out that he hadn't agreed to anything yet, but the words died in his throat as he realized he really was going.

"Keep the papers tonight," Wymack offered, pushing his folder at Neil again. This time Neil took it. "Your coach can fax the signed copies to me on Monday. Welcome to the line."

"Thank you" seemed appropriate, but Neil couldn't manage it. He kept his stare on the floor. Wymack didn't wait long for a response before going in search of Hernandez.

The back door banged shut behind him, and Neil's nerves broke. He ran for the bathroom and made it to a stall just in time to dry-heave into a toilet.

The upperclassmen sat up straight, and even the Monsters looked more alert.

“Neil…” Dan breathed. 

“Does this happen often?” Abby questioned. The concern on her face caused Neil to shift uncomfortably. It was bad enough that Abby had seen his scars, and that Neil would be forced to visit Betsy before classes began, but he didn’t need her to worry about his mental health and force him to attend even more therapy sessions.

“No,” Neil replied. “I’m fine.”

He could imagine his mother's rage if she knew what he was doing. He remembered too well the savage yank of her hands in his hair.

At this, Aaron stiffened sharply, and Andrew sat up straight. Neither of them said a word. Aaron stared into nothing, tense and on guard, and Andrew’s eyes were fiery, burning straight at Neil.

Drew turned to his side and began a hushed conversation with Abram in Russian. Neil didn’t know what they were saying, but neither sounded happy.

All these years spent trying to keep moving and hidden, and now he was going to destroy their hard work. She would never forgive him for this and he knew it, and that did nothing at all to help the clenching feeling in his gut.

"I'm sorry,” he gasped out between wet coughs. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

The hissed Russian from beside Neil got louder, but after a moment the tension drained away and the conversation died down. Still, Neil would rather focus on Abram and Drew than whatever looks the Foxes were throwing his way.

He stumbled over to the sinks to rinse his mouth out and stared himself down in the mirrors that hung above them. With black hair and brown eyes, he looked plain and average: no one to notice in a crowd, no one to stick in one's memory. That was what he wanted, but he wondered if it could hold up against news cameras. He grimaced a little at his reflection and leaned closer to the mirror, tugging hard at chunks of hair to check his roots. They were dark enough that he relaxed and leaned back a bit.

“Wait, so what colour is your hair really?” Nicky asked. Neil didn’t answer.

"University," he said quietly. It sounded like a dream; it tasted like damnation.

He unzipped his duffel bag enough to put Wymack's paperwork away. When he returned to the main room, the two coaches were waiting on him. Neil said nothing to them but went past them to the door.

Andrew opened the back door of Hernandez's SUV when Neil passed and gave Neil a knowing, taunting smile. "Too good to play with us, too good to ride with us?"

Neil flicked him a cool look sped up to a jog. By the time he reached the far edge of the parking lot he was running. He left the stadium and the Foxes and their too-good promises behind him, but the unsigned contract in his bag felt like an anchor around his neck.

Abby closed the book, signifying the end of the chapter. There was a moment of silence, then someone began to speak. 

“Neil–”

Before anyone could say anything else, Neil stood up and walked away.