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When the date of the Head Disciple annual assembly drew closer and Liu Qingge still was nowhere in sight, a unanimous decision was made that Yue Qingyuan should handle him. On the surface, of course, Yue Qingyuan was in charge of running the assembly and so responsible for its participants, and on previous occasions he’d gone to collect errant martial brothers and sisters before out of concern for their wellbeing; so on its face, there was no indication of the truth, which was that Yue Qingyuan was going to get Liu Qingge because nobody else wanted to.

The situation, as Yue Qingyuan would have diplomatically said, was “complex.”

Yue Qingyuan found Liu Qingge, and the wreckage of his latest kill, a full day’s flight away from Cang Qiong. “Shixiong,” said Liu Qingge by way of greeting, and nothing else.

The snake’s neck was about the height of two men. From the cut, Liu Qingge had cleaved straight through the scales, meat, and bone in a single strike, and now the snake’s great head lay a few steps away from the rest of its body. The body itself was where Liu Qingge sat, polishing his sword, as if his primary care in this world was finding a nice place to sit, which happened to be on the top of a corpse longer than some villages.

“Shidi has been away from the sect for quite a bit,” said Yue Qingyuan, and folded his hands behind his back. “It’s almost time for the annual Head Disciple gathering.”

Liu Qingge’s expression flashed with irritation. Shen Qingqiu had just been nominated as Qing Jing’s Head Disciple the year before, and this would mark the second annual assembly with Shen Qingqiu in attendance. “I’m not going,” said Liu Qingge.

“No? I hear that Wei-shidi has been eagerly awaiting Liu-shidi’s sword performance.”

“I can do that any day.”

“Then why not the assembly day?”

“So you can spend an entire morning standing next to that Shen Qingqiu?” Liu Qingge asked coldly.

There were a lot of reasons why Yue Qingyuan had been counting down the days to the assembly. One of them, of course, was that he was in charge of leading and running it. If he had other reasons to have marked that date, only Yue Qingyuan had to know.

“He’s not so bad,” said Yue Qingyuan, which was the wrong thing to say, but he couldn’t help himself.

Liu Qingge’s leg began to bounce.

“Shixiong can go back, then,” said Liu Qingge irritably.

“And will Liu-shidi accompany me?”

“I’ll show up when I show up. It’s not for another week.”

“Shall we stay here for another week, then? I don’t mind waiting for Liu-shidi to show up when he shows up.”

Liu Qingge gnashed his teeth.

“Or,” said Yue Qingyuan, “we can go back early, I can finish making preparations, and perhaps the night before the assembly, we’ll have enough time left over for a night hunt…”

Yue Qingyuan could almost see Liu Qingge’s ears perk up.

“That is, if Liu-shidi is done sulking,” Yue Qingyuan said.

Liu Qingge returned to sulking immediately.

But Liu Qingge would come around, as he always did; and sure enough, Yue Qingyuan waited, and Liu Qingge flicked his sword the way cats flick their tails and said, “I don’t understand what you see in him.”

This was a bit of an unfortunate statement coming from Liu Qingge, who had such a notorious temperament that, despite the fact that Liu Qingge was younger and of a lower peak rank than most, nobody except Yue Qingyuan dared to tell him what to do. Yue Qingyuan didn’t blink. “Qingqiu-shidi has many good qualities once you get to know him.”

“Why would I want to get to know him? He’s a liar and a cheat,” Liu Qingge sneered.

Yue Qingyuan sighed. “What lying?” If anything, Shen Qingqiu had been very truthful and forthright about his hatred of Liu Qingge.

“He’s always scheming.”

“Is he? He’s been very candid about how he’s going to kill you.”

Liu Qingge gave him an appalled look. “Then—he—“ Liu Qingge sputtered. “He uses underhanded tactics!”

“Sometimes the situation calls for it.”

“What situation!? So I should forget that he tried to kill me?!”

Yue Qingyuan had heard all about that fateful mission with Shang Qinghua, Liu Qingge, and Shen Qingqiu. Did he believe that Shen Jiu had tried to kill Liu Qingge? Yue Qingyuan knew very well the sort of violence Shen Jiu had been capable of as a child. Yue Qingyuan had seen with his own eyes how Shen Jiu had slaughtered disciples under Wu Yanzi’s directions for nothing more than pocket change. Liu Qingge and Shen Jiu hated each other with an intensity far greater than Yue Qingyuan had ever seen Shen Jiu hate any of the other slave boys. And Shen Jiu had never been the sort of child who let go of things.

After a moment, Yue Qingyuan said, “Perhaps there was some sort of misunderstanding.”

There wasn’t a single person in the world who would believe that Shen Jiu had been "misunderstood" when he attacked Liu Qingge’s blind spot.

“You’re always defending him,” Liu Qingge snapped. “And for what? You’re going to go to that Head Disciple assembly and he won’t even talk to you.”

When Yue Qingyuan didn’t say anything to this, Liu Qingge said suddenly, “Fine!” and leapt off the snake’s neck. Soft yellow pollen floated up when his feet hit the dirt. “Let’s go.”

“If Liu-shidi truly does not want to go, I can speak to my shizun. Perhaps an exception could be made.”

“Yue-shixiong won’t go back to the sect unless I go. And Yue-shixiong won’t be satisfied until he gets to stand next to Shen Qingqiu,” Liu Qingge said. He said this as a statement, not a question. “Come on.”

“Thank you, Liu-shidi,” said Yue Qingyuan.

Liu Qingge gave him a dark look, as if to say, Don’t thank me for this sort of thing, but Yue Qingyuan did not retract his words, because he meant it, and this favor was greater than Liu Qingge knew. Then, unable to take his anger out on Yue Qingyuan, Liu Qingge wheeled around in the direction of Cang Qiong and stomped hard on a yellow flower as he went past.

The flower made a sharp cracking noise, like an egg’s shell being crushed; in the next moment it’d coughed up a thick golden pollen and Yue Qingyuan had shoved Liu Qingge out of the way so quickly that Liu Qingge looked completely disoriented to find himself several paces away from where he was a moment ago. Yue Qingyuan had his sleeve up between his shidi and the pollen; the entire outer robe was covered in a fine dust.

“Is Liu-shidi alright?” Yue Qingyuan asked, turning to Liu Qingge. “The pollen did not touch you?”

Liu Qingge’s pupils were very dark from where he was tucked safely in Yue Qingyuan’s arms. “Uh,” he said.

Getting no further response, Yue Qingyuan patted Liu Qingge down to free him of residual pollen until Liu Qingge started squirming like he was being bitten by ants, and then Liu Qingge said, “Enough! Who cares about a bit of pollen?!”

“The pollen must be removed as soon as possible. Shidi, there’s a flower in this area called the—“

“I don’t care what it’s called!”

“Alright, alright,” said Yue Qingyuan soothingly. “As long as Shidi is untouched.”

Liu Qingge’s face was red. “—What about you?! You’re covered in it!” And then this so-called ornery shidi of his, this young prodigy who everyone said cared about no one and nothing except his own skill at the sword, began to smack at Yue Qingyuan’s sleeve to clean it, until Yue Qingyuan couldn’t help but smile.

It wasn’t that nobody liked Liu Qingge. Many people, in fact, greatly admired him, respected him, and even feared him—and if these things were not the same thing as “liking” Liu Qingge, it was at least adjacent enough to “liking” that no one could say that Liu Qingge had a bad reputation.

Some disciples would say, in order to get ahead in Cang Qiong, you only had to have two of three things: 1) you had to be likable, 2) you had to get the job done, and 3) you had to work well in a team. If people liked you and you were good with teamwork, people might look away if you didn’t get everything done right. If you were a cooperative teammate and you got the job done, it would be fine if you were a bit unpleasant as a person. Liu Qingge was the third category: He was overall not unlikeable, and he got the job done.

It’s just that nobody wanted to do the job with him.

So the rumor went, the Bai Zhan prodigy was prideful, fast, and lethal. If you couldn’t keep up, he wouldn’t even linger long enough to laugh at you disdainfully; he would simply leave you behind to stew in the dust and your own humiliation. If anyone dared to ask him to slow down and work together with others, he would icily reply, “Why should I slow down for you? You should keep up with me.”

It was true that Liu Qingge was not always easy to get along with, but in Yue Qingyuan’s opinion, the rumors of Bai Zhan’s young prodigy were greatly exaggerated.

Take, for example, a time when Mu Qingfang had asked Yue Qingyuan to broker a deal with an irascible merchant for a recurring shipment of some rare herb or another. Indeed, the rumors of irascibility were true; when Yue Qingyuan arrived at the man’s family home, the merchant was nearly breathless with sheer rage over imagined slights Cang Qiong had delivered to his reputation. Liu Qingge had come with Yue Qingyuan, and despite Mu Qingfang’s apprehensions, Liu Qingge had behaved himself perfectly. He’d sat to Yue Qingyuan’s left and stayed perfectly silent, watching the merchant rant himself hoarse through cold, expressionless eyes.

Mu Qingfang had wanted Liu Qingge to go to be the muscle. Yue Qingyuan, who had no need for any more muscle, had desired only for Liu Qingge to sit there and regard that merchant with thinly-veiled disgust. No matter how unyielding Yue Qingyuan was to the merchant’s complaints, the merchant only had to look a little to Yue Qingyuan’s left to be reminded that, for as impassive as Yue Qingyuan was, it could always be worse.

Liu Qingge had done Yue Qingyuan a favor. Diplomacy talks and trade deals were not Bai Zhan’s role and not Liu Qingge’s interest. In fact, when Mu Qingfang had first asked Liu Qingge to go with Yue Qingyuan to see the merchant, Liu Qingge had refused heartlessly: “Don’t waste my time.”

So Mu Qingfang had adjusted his glasses and tried not to sigh and said, “That’s a shame. Yue-shixiong, will you be alright going alone? Or should I come with you?”

Liu Qingge’s head had whipped right back around. “Yue-shixiong is going?”

“Yes, he’s already graciously agreed.”

“Shidi needn’t trouble himself,” Yue Qingyuan had told the both of them. “For such a small errand, this disciple will be—”

“Who said I’m not going?” Liu Qingge had said.

Yue Qingyuan had thanked him for his assistance, and when Liu Qingge had flown off to prepare for the trip, Mu Qingfang had said, “Good luck.” And when Yue Qingyuan had asked, Mu Qingfang had said, “There’s a reason why he travels alone.”

This, too, Yue Qingyuan had found to be greatly exaggerated. Liu Qingge had been, and still was, a very strange travel partner. He often flew off by himself for long stretches of time, as if forgetting that Yue Qingyuan was there. He would get lost, or get himself lost, and return a bit later covered in a demon’s feathers, or spattered in blood. It did, Yue Qingyuan could admit, give the impression that Liu Qingge had nothing in his brain except the pursuit of swordplay.

But if someone were to forget something—say, a silver pin to secure a hair crown, as Yue Qingyuan had done when leaving the merchant’s house—Liu Qingge was the type of person to notice this, go back and retrieve it, and return it to its owner. And then he would just stand there and look at you for a little bit as if he himself didn’t know why he was bringing you a silver hairpin.

Once, Yue Qingyuan had tried to explain this to Mu Qingfang, who’d given him a bit of an odd look and said, “Shixiong, he’s never done that for me.” That was the problem with Liu Qingge, in Yue Qingyuan’s opinion. He was so dedicated to his training that other people rarely spent enough time with Liu Qingge to know him; if Liu Qingge spent more time with others, Mu Qingfang would know how loyal Liu Qingge could be.

At this, Mu Qingfang had given him another look and said, “Is there anyone else Liu-shixiong volunteers to spend time with?”

They’d only been flying for half an incense time when Yue Qingyuan began to sneeze.

The Seven Yellow Bells flower was named obviously for the yellow color and the bell shape of the petals. Yue Qingyuan was not sure why it was “seven bells,” since they usually grew in clusters of three. There was probably a good reason for it. He hadn’t thought to question what he was told, which, as Shen Jiu had once assured him, was at least half of what was wrong with him.

The flower’s cute, childlike appearance and sweetheart moniker made it a hugely unpopular aphrodisiac. It looked like a flower that young girls would wear in their hair, not a flower that could dramatically boost a man’s virility for two straight days. Despite the fact that it was so potent, the lovely pastel color made too many men fear that the flower would somehow emasculate them, and so, when Qian Cao disciples occasionally had to prescribe the pollen to fix certain sexual dysfunctions, they would simply lie and say that it was shredded silver snake skin instead.

When dosed accidentally, there was nothing to fear, Yue Qingyuan told Liu Qingge. If one simply rested for a few shichen and meditated to cycle the effects away, the effect was very mild—

Yue Qingyuan stopped midsentence. With enough poise, he suppressed the sneeze to almost nothing, barely half a noise. Liu Qingge looked as alarmed as if Yue Qingyuan had moaned pornographically aloud.

It’s not that he wanted to tell Liu Qingge such embarrassing information. At first, he’d just said that the pollen had “an effect,” but then Liu Qingge thought he was dying; then he said there was no effect, but then Liu Qingge thought he was heroically martyring himself and dying in silence; until at last Yue Qingyuan had to admit that it was just an aphrodisiac, and if Yue Qingyuan could stop and rest for a while, he would be just fine.

“Is there an antidote?” Liu Qingge demanded. “I will get the antidote. Where is it? Shixiong, just stay here—“

Yue Qingyuan snagged Liu Qingge on the shoulder before he could fly off. Liu Qingge made himself be still when Yue Qingyuan set his hand on him. “I will be alright. Let’s not act hastily.”

Liu Qingge had the helpless expression of a man realizing the depth of his own mistake. “But—but I can fix it.”

No, he couldn’t. Sometimes a disciple acted hastily, and someone else paid the price. But that would be too painful for Liu Qingge to hear.

“I know that you can,” said Yue Qingyuan. “For now, the best thing we can do is wait.”

They touched down. Although they were still far from civilization, there was a steep cliffside with a trade route along the top, winding close to the mountainside; at the bottom of the cliff was a small cave, perhaps used by animals during the winter.

“Shixiong, you can rest there,” said Liu Qingge determinedly.

Liu Qingge looked quite desperate to be able to offer some creature comfort to Yue Qingyuan in apology for his mistakes. How could Yue Qingyuan tell Liu Qingge that Yue Qingyuan would rather sleep on hot coals than inside a cave?

“…Shidi, you may also be affected,” Yue Qingyuan said. “Why don’t you sleep inside?”

“You’re the one who was covered in the pollen. An animal might return to this cave to use it as a den while you’re trying to meditate. Shixiong will rest, and I will stand guard.”

So Yue Qingyuan had no choice.

The cave ceiling was low. He had to bend his head at an angle. The walls were dry and smelled of dirt, not blood. It did not have that same immense gravity as the Ling Xi Caves, which were rich to bursting with sunken, suffocating qi. But to be safe, Yue Qingyuan sat with his back to the entrance, in case he made some unpleasant expression and seemed ungrateful when Liu Qingge was trying so hard.

At the entrance, Liu Qingge sat facing outwards, so that they were back to back, but far enough away that they did not touch. Yue Qingyuan took a long, deep breath, the way he’d been taught, and closed his eyes to meditate and cycle his spiritual energy to fend off the effects of the pollen.

“Shixiong,” said Liu Qingge.

“Shidi?”

“After you drew Xuan Su, why were you in the Ling Xi caves for so long?”

If Shen Jiu were here, he would have laughed himself to death at Liu Qingge’s uncouth manners.

It was like if someone had said, “I can’t go on that day, I have some private business to attend to,” and instead of leaving the matter well enough alone, you asked, “What private business?” It would place anyone in the awkward position of having to explain matters that they’d tried not to. In the same way, who went about asking others what they were doing in seclusion? If someone went into seclusion or went into “seclusion,” either way, it was clear that they didn’t want to talk about it.

But there was a painful childlike sincerity to the question, the intense seriousness of a an intensely authentic young man. Let alone laugh, Yue Qingyuan could not even bring himself to smile.

From where Yue Qingyuan was sitting, all he could see was the dark cave wall. Yue Qingyuan closed his eyes. “It was my shizun’s order.”

“Why?”

Never in Yue Qingyuan’s entire life had he heard any disciple ask why their sect leader had made the decision he did. The sheer arrogance to question in the first place was appalling—or at least it would never have been tolerated on Qiong Ding.

Liu Qingge went on completely untrammeled: “After bonding to your sword spirit, shouldn’t you go out and get used to each other as soon as possible?”

Yue Qingyuan couldn’t think of anything to say to this. No matter how he thought about this, explaining what had happened in the caves felt a little too much like begging for pity.

It wasn’t that Yue Qingyuan looked down upon others who begged—he’d grown up around them, after all. But as for himself, he couldn’t bring himself to rely only on others’ pity; he would have preferred to work, so that at least he could feel like he had earned the right to live. He had asked to be put on lookout duty instead of panhandling as soon as he could for that reason. When he’d grown tall enough to do manual labor, he’d tried to lie about his age so that he could get a real job. Now that he had indeed worked for and earned his place as Head Disciple, he still could not beg, because he knew very well whose failures had put him in the Ling Xi Caves in the first place. Since it was his own fault, there was no way that he could beg for sympathy for a situation he’d done to himself.

“—Never mind,” said Liu Qingge suddenly.

Just as Liu Qingge said this, Yue Qingyuan realized that, if Liu Qingge had asked a second time, Yue Qingyuan would have told him.

It was for the best that Liu Qingge didn’t. There was no telling what moment of weakness might leap out of Yue Qingyuan, pathetically bleating, Please feel sorry for me, please give me what I haven’t earned and don’t deserve…

“Shidi, although we are away from the sect, it may be wise to exercise caution regarding who and what we question,” said Yue Qingyuan.

“If the Sect Leader has such good reasons for what he does, I don’t see why I can’t ask what they are,” said Liu Qingge, with the casual arrogance of a man who did not lose very many physical battles.

Yue Qingyuan closed his eyes and suppressed a sigh. If he didn’t keep an eye on Liu Qingge, he swore that Liu Qingge would get himself killed before they could even become Peak Lords.

Sensing something was wrong, Liu Qingge shifted uncomfortably behind Yue Qingyuan.

“I get it,” said Liu Qingge. “I won’t ask anymore.”

There was no good way to say that Yue Qingyuan could respond without it being too much of a burden on Liu Qingge; he did not want to lie, but the truth iplied a weakness that would only cause Liu Qingge to worry. His shizun was always telling him to say less. Blinding sincerity was incompatible with the authority expected of Qiong Ding’s Head Disciple, and if Yue Qingyuan could not find a way to tailor his words into four-character decrees, then Yue Qingyuan should say nothing at all and let his tall stature and imposing visage speak on his behalf. A leader could not lead and be human at the same time.

Yue Qingyuan could not tell him about the caves. It’s just that, for some reason, Yue Qingyuan was still thankful that he had asked.

Yue Qingyuan turned over how to put the words in the right order, how to say what he meant while only saying what he could, until like that, he sank into deep meditation.

He emerged from this some time later, although he couldn’t tell how much time had really passed. As Liu Qingge promised, Yue Qingyuan been left undisturbed. “Shixiong,” said Liu Qingge’s voice.

Because the Seven Yellow Bells pollen boosted male virility specifically, the overall effect was not too horrible on him. Already, Yue Qingyuan felt well enough to fly.

“I’m alright, Shidi,” said Yue Qingyuan.

“I’m sorry for asking about the caves.”

Yue Qingyuan opened his eyes. That was Liu Qingge—always more observant than he let on, always sincere when it truly counted. Yue Qingyuan turned around and hoped that, this time, he would find the right words to say what he meant.

But just behind him, Liu Qingge’s eyes were hazy, and he’d curled up around Cheng Luan like it would anchor him to his post. He was visibly feverish and, despite it all, still standing guard.

Yue Qingyuan was at his side in an instant. “Shidi? Can you hear me?”

“Mn,” said Liu Qingge. His eyes drifted lower.

Yue Qingyuan touched his cheeks, his neck—all overheated—and quickly pulled Liu Qingge into the cave with him. Liu Qingge went pliantly, a glassy look over his eyes. “You’re burning up,” Yue Qingyuan said, which got him another “Mn” in response. “Lay down here. I'll put my robe down."

Yue Qingyuan wet a cloth with cool water from their traveling bags to lay on Liu Qingge’s forehead, although Liu Qingge quickly pulled it back off; Yue Qingyuan put it back on his head, only for Liu Qingge to petulantly throw it deeper into the cave.

Yue Qingyuan looked at him.

After a second, Liu Qingge fetched the cloth and brought it back. When Yue Qingyuan’s reassurances were not forthcoming, Liu Qingge even put the cloth on his own forehead and looked up at Yue Qingyuan expectantly.

Yue Qingyuan sighed and readjusted the cloth, smoothing it down over Liu Qingge’s face. Liu Qingge made it difficult to discipline him as strictly as Yue Qingyuan probably should.

“Shidi, why didn’t you say anything?”

Liu Qingge shook his head mutely.

“You shouldn’t try to soldier on through these things. Your face is too hot.”

“I always feel hot when you’re here,” Liu Qingge mumbled, a bit deliriously.

Yue Qingyuan checked Liu Qingge’s meridians again. Perhaps Liu Qingge always felt hot because he was more sensitive to Yue Qingyuan’s unnatural cultivation foundation? The more that Yue Qingyuan touched Liu Qingge’s skin, the redder Liu Qingge’s face became and the more Liu Qingge began to squirm, until Yue Qingyuan squeezed hard on his wrist to make him settle, and then suddenly Liu Qingge went as limp as a kitten bitten on the neck by his mother.

“Did you cycle your qi at all? Did you get any of the Seven Bells pollen on you?”

Liu Qingge sniffed his own sleeve. There was nothing that Yue Qingyuan could see, but after a long moment, Liu Qingge declared, “It’s itchy.”

Yue Qingyuan should have known better. While Yue Qingyuan had fended off the majority of the symptoms, Liu Qingge had sat there, diligently guarding the cave, all while the pollen fully set in and caused a full-blown reaction. Yue Qingyuan was the older disciple; Liu Qingge was notorious for leaping before he looked, and it had been Yue Qingyuan’s responsibility to stop him; if only Yue Qingyuan had thought twice before jumping in front of the yellow pollen. He’d been impulsive again.

They were almost too far away from Cang Qiong. Even at their fastest pace, they would only just barely make it before this reaction turned into a full qi deviation. “Shidi, we have to hurry to Qian Cao,” said Yue Qingyuan.

“What? Why?”

“Shidi,” said Yue Qingyuan gently. “Have you ever… been afflicted… with an aphrodisiac before?”

When Liu Qingge caught his meaning, Liu Qingge’s eyes began darting all over the cave, looking anywhere but at Yue Qingyuan.

“At Qian Cao…”

Yue Qingyuan hesitated. “…Shidi… understands the procedure… of how to relieve an aphrodisiac imbalance…?”

Liu Qingge went completely silent.

“It’s nothing to be afraid of. Mu-shidi is well-equipped at the basics of dual cultivation, and he can teach y—“

“Mu Qingfang?” Liu Qingge repeated, like Yue Qingyuan had suggested that Liu Qingge fornicate with a river rat instead of an objectively accomplished young man.

“Alright, not Mu-shidi. What about Wen-shimei? She’s—“

“No!”

Yue Qingyuan tried to think of another Qian Cao disciple who he knew of around Liu Qingge’s age, who wouldn’t be terrified of treating such a notoriously prickly patient. “Zheng-shidi…?”

And then Liu Qingge began to thrash, as if he were in danger of being taken straight to Qian Cao to have his virginity defiled right that instant.

“Shidi,” Yue Qingyuan said, and caught Liu Qingge’s wrist and held him in place. They’d only have more problems if Liu Qingge flew off and Yue Qingyuan had to chase him down, or if Liu Qingge disappeared and qi deviated alone. Yue Qingyuan had spent most of his childhood physically wrangling thrashing disobedient children—specifically one disobedient child—so after a few more desperate pulls, Liu Qingge tired himself out quickly.

“…I’m sorry,” said Yue Qingyuan. He really meant it. “If I had known that you were affected, you could have meditated the effects away before they fully set in.”

“I’m not going to Qian Cao,” Liu Qingge said hoarsely.

Liu Qingge would have to get rid of the imbalance somehow, or, at best, it would cripple his foundation. “Alright,” said Yue Qingyuan.

“And don’t apologize! It’s not your fault!”

“Alright.”

“I don’t…” Liu Qingge hung his head so low that Yue Qingyuan could barely see his face. “…I’ve never… before…”

In that moment, with an aching that felt like Xuan Su, Yue Qingyuan wished that he could have turned back time to spare Liu Qingge from this.

There were few worse ways to lose your virginity than stranded in the middle of the woods, in a cave full of dirt, with a shixiong who you barely knew and didn’t care for. There was probably no creature more despicable than Yue Qingyuan for causing this pure young man to suffer such a horrible first time.

But there was nothing else for it. Yue Qingyuan was the elder between the two of them; it was him who would have to make the right choice even if there were no choices. If Liu Qingge hated him after this, Yue Qingyuan was willing to take responsibility for that, too.

“Do you trust me?” Yue Qingyuan asked quietly.

Liu Qingge nodded, and then nearly jumped out of his skin when Yue Qingyuan put a hand on his shoulder. “Sh—Shixiong—?”

His voice cracked.

“Shidi. I’m sorry for what I’m about to ask.”

“What are you—“

“Do you know how to pleasure yourself?”

Liu Qingge’s entire body locked up into a perfect impression of a wooden marionette.

“While I cycle our energy together,” Yue Qingyuan said softly, “you have to… relieve yourself. To get rid of the excess build-up of energy. Do you know how?”

Liu Qingge’s face instantly turned a thick, apoplectic red.

“Do,” he said. “Do I. Myself…?”

“Two people have to cycle the energy together. I’ll touch you here, on your back, for as little contact as possible. While I do that, you’ll have to…”

Yue Qingyuan could feel Liu Qingge’s breathing speed up. When Yue Qingyuan put a hand on his back, he could feel his heart battering itself, like a frightened bird, against Liu Qingge’s ribcage.

“…Has Shidi ever touched himself?”

The silence was deafening.

“…Shixiong can do whatever he likes!” Liu Qingge grit out.

Yue Qingyuan’s chest hurt. Yue Qingyuan should have known that Liu Qingge would be affected by the pollen. It was his responsibility to bring Liu Qingge back safely…

…And then Liu Qingge just sat there with his arms stiffly at his sides, looking furiously down at the dirt like the cave floor was somehow responsible for taking his pants off.

Gently, Yue Qingyuan took Liu Qingge’s hand. He guided Liu Qingge’s palm to his crotch, where Liu Qingge was already half-hard. “Here. Like this,” he murmured.

Liu Qingge shivered. When Yue Qingyuan pressed Liu Qingge’s own palm into the imprint of his cock, Liu Qingge grabbed Yue Qingyuan’s thigh hard with his other hand, like Yue Qingyuan would keep Liu Qingge from flying away or falling apart.

“I won’t look,” Yue Qingyuan promised, which he’d hoped would be reassuring but didn’t seem to have any effect either way.

Maybe Liu Qingge wouldn’t find it comforting to be so close to someone else, but Yue Qingyuan had grown up soothing other boys by touch, and so instinctively moved to shelter Liu Qingge’s smaller frame with his own body, as if there were cold winter gales outside the cave or Yue Qingyuan had to protect Liu Qingge from prying eyes. Safety was always closer together. Liu Qingge fit so neatly under Yue Qingyuan’s chin, between his legs, against his chest. Yue Qingyuan could tuck him away and keep him there.

“Breathe,” said Yue Qingyuan, and Liu Qingge took a shuddering inhale. He really had forgotten. “Good,” said Yue Qingyuan, pressing his hand a little harder, in a soft rhythm against that delicate place, and out came Liu Qingge’s exhale, sounding even worse than it had going in.

“Think of something that you desire,” said Yue Qingyuan quietly.

Liu Qingge’s free hand curled in Yue Qingyuan’s sleeves. His eyes and mouth were indeed shut tightly as if furious, if not the quick swallow of his throat and sweat all over his brow; he was barely touching himself, leaving Yue Qingyuan to stroke him to full hardness. That delicate organ under Liu Qingge’s pants had become so hard in so little time, and it, too, fit neatly in Yue Qingyuan’s hand.

“See? It’s not so bad,” Yue Qingyuan murmured.

Liu Qingge’s eyelashes twitched when Yue Qingyuan squeezed. Yue Qingyuan smothered the urge to kiss Liu Qingge’s cheek, right on his beauty mark. “Can you do this by yourself?”

The poor boy, who’d almost seemed on the verge of relaxing, stiffened up again immediately. He stammered for a few moments until Yue Qingyuan’s resolve crumbled. “Alright, alright. You don’t have to worry about anything, and let Shixiong take care of it.”

“Uh,” said Liu Qingge, and then, “Ah,” like a whole word, when Yue Qingyuan put his hand under his clothes. When Yue Qingyuan rubbed a comforting hand across his stomach—some half-forgotten instinct to soothe other slave boys’ stomachaches—Liu Qingge tried to quiet himself, and the noises turned to soft little whimpers, noisy breaths, as Yue Qingyuan’s thumb smoothed down the dry skin of his cock with only sweat to ease the way.

“It’s okay to make noise,” said Yue Qingyuan in his ear. “All you have to do is feel good. Shixiong will fix it.”

This time, he licked his palm and stroked Liu Qingge from tip to root.

In no time, Liu Qingge was hunched over, panting facedown into his own lap, where they could both see Yue Qingyuan’s hand moving underneath his clothes; Yue Qingyuan kept shushing him on instinct only to stroke him harder, to squeeze painfully at the tip until Liu Qingge cried out, and then Yue Qingyuan would shush him again. When Yue Qingyuan couldn’t help himself and brushed a kiss against Liu Qingge’s cheekbone, Liu Qingge whimpered and began to buck into Yue Qingyuan’s hand. “There,” Yue Qingyuan said, out of breath for no reason at all, “there, that’s it, you can let go, you can feel good—”

Liu Qingge shut his eyes tightly and Yue Qingyuan made himself stop talking. Liu Qingge was probably imagining someone else in order to get off, like Yue Qingyuan had told him to, so Yue Qingyuan tried to stay silent and buried his own mouth in Liu Qingge’s shoulder.

“Shixiong,” Liu Qingge gasped, “ah, Shixiong—” so pathetically that Yue Qingyuan couldn’t help but squeeze him tightly, almost crushing Liu Qingge’s back to his chest as he worked him over, and then Liu Qingge cried out and came trembling in his pants.

Liu Qingge smelled like soft sweat, right in the crook of his neck where Yue Qingyuan had hidden his face. Carefully, so as not to disturb his shidi too much, Yue Qingyuan left a small kiss, and then wrung him out until Liu Qingge let out a desperate noise like he’d come again, although nothing came out. Yue Qingyuan checked.

While Liu Qingge calmed down and Yue Qingyuan cycled Liu Qingge’s qi to cleanse out the pollen, Yue Qingyuan thought about how it would be a shame if they missed the assembly.

Of course Yue Qingyuan wanted to see Shen Qingqiu. There were so few reasons to go to Qing Jing, and Shen Jiu didn’t want to see him anyway; for the sake of not causing Shen Jiu any more troublesome attention, Yue Qingyuan genuinely tried to leave him alone.

Selfishly, he wondered how long Shen Jiu would be angry with him for.

It would be right and just if it was for the rest of their lives. Yue Qi’s failure had led Shen Jiu to years of torment and then to undertake a terrible cultivation path. To this day, there was an occasional whisper in the rumor mill that the Qing Jing Head Disciple’s cultivation was unusually slow; whenever Yue Qingyuan overheard it, he knew that the mistakes of Yue Qingyuan’s foolishness would cause Shen Jiu pain for the rest of his life.

It was appalling, then, that some part of Yue Qi still hoped that Shen Jiu’s anger would not last forever.

Shen Jiu’s grudges were permanent for everyone else. For Yue Qi, whenever they’d gotten into arguments before, Shen Jiu would fume and gnash his teeth and curse all of Yue Qi’s ancestors and all of Yue Qi’s future children, and then in about three days he’d be fine.

It sounded dramatic, but that was about two days longer than Yue Qi ever managed to stay angry with Shen Jiu. Once, Shen Jiu had stolen the money Yue Qi was going to use to buy medicine for another child and then lost it in street gambling. Yue Qi hadn’t spoken to Shen Jiu for an entire frigid day while he tried to think of a way to make up the cash and that boy had become sicker and sicker and then, eventually, died. At first, Shen Jiu had said, Who cares if he died? Everyone dies!, and then, You won’t even remember his name in ten years!, and then, What do you think you’re playing at? Do you think I’ll crack first with this silent treatment? I won’t!, and then, Fine! I never needed you anyway! Who cares about your esteemed self and your stupid bleeding heart!, and then Shen Jiu had suddenly gotten very quiet as he seemed to realize that he’d really done something wrong. He’d sat there for almost an entire day in silence until Yue Qi said, Well? Why gambling? And Shen Jiu had said that he’d wanted to double the amount of money, because he thought that he’d figured out how the dice were weighted. It’s not my fault, Shen Jiu said defensively. They changed the dice later.

Alright, Yue Qi had said, because at least Shen Jiu had meant well and the kid was already dead anyway, and then they never spoke again about how Shen Jiu had gotten a boy killed. Just as Shen Jiu had said, Yue Qingyuan no longer remembered the boy’s name.

It was the same in reverse. Once, Shen Jiu acquired a single glass pendant, which he guarded covetously except for the times when Shen Jiu had to take it off to beg. Nobody would give donations to a boy wearing a flashy piece of jewelry, of course. While Yue Qi was keeping that pendant safe, Shen Jiu had warned Yue Qi not to go down a certain road, where a rich man now kept a large guard dog. I know you love those mutts, Shen Jiu had warned, but if I catch you going down that road, I’ll kill you! (Shen Jiu had been seven years old at the time.) True enough, Yue Qi did not go down that road. He stayed very far away from it even though he desperately wanted to see the pet and feed it a treat. Even though he stayed so far away from that road, the rich man caught Yue Qi standing in the street anyway and spotted the pendant in Yue Qi’s hand, and thought that Yue Qi must have stolen it. The man had him beaten and kicked, then he took the food that Yue Qi was bringing to Shen Jiu and stomped it into paste on the dirt road, and then took the pendant. Yue Qi never saw it again.

Putting these two stories back to back was a bit funny—Yue Qi had gotten mad at Shen Jiu because Shen Jiu had accidentally killed a boy, while Shen Jiu had gotten mad at Yue Qi because Yue Qi lost his jewelry. But when Yue Qi had to explain how he’d lost the pendant, Shen Jiu had really howled like his own liver had been stolen. Shen Jiu had so few things in this life that he could call his own. The fallout had been the same as it was always was: Shen Jiu would say, Well? What do you have to say for yourself? And if Yue Qi tried to explain, Shen Jiu would say, I don’t want your excuses! And if Yue Qi tried to apologize, Shen Jiu would say, I don’t want your apologies! And if Yue Qi tried to stay silent, Shen Jiu would say, Speak up! Don’t just stand there!

In the end, the only thing that Yue Qi could do was take responsibility for his failure to protect the pendant. Yue Qi had made a new one out of scavenged polished glass; Shen Jiu had not been satisfied. Yue Qi had given Shen Jiu the best food, the best clothes, the best sleeping spot for days; Shen Jiu had not been satisfied. It was only after time had passed that Shen Jiu cooled down. Then, when Shen Jiu’s mood was good, Yue Qi could mention that he hadn’t been on the road with the dog in the first place, and he really had listened to what Shen Jiu had said about steering clear of that rich man’s house; and then Shen Jiu rolled his eyes and said, Well, why didn’t you tell me that sooner? Fine! You’re forgiven.

But at that point, the very fact that he would hear Yue Qi out was evidence that he’d already forgiven Yue Qi long ago. That was how Shen Jiu was.

Yue Qingyuan knew there was a real chance that Shen Jiu’s forgiveness might never come. It wasn’t that Yue Qingyuan didn’t know that the horrible trajectory that led Shen Jiu to become Wu Yanzi’s disciple was Yue Qingyuan’s fault. It was that some part of Yue Qingyuan was still waiting for the day that Shen Jiu would wake up and pretend that he’d never been mad in the first place, because when you’d really sworn yourself to someone, you’d forgive them anything—even if one day you found them slaughtering Cang Qiong’s disciples in the middle of the Immortal Alliance Conference. You did it because no matter how much they had hurt you, parting would hurt more.

In the same way, even if those childhood days of petty grudges and quick reconciliations were long gone, until Yue Qingyuan knew for certain that Shen Jiu’s forgiveness would never come, Yue Qingyuan could only endeavor to try to make up for his failures to Shen Jiu.

But on the other hand, Liu Qingge really did look quite ill.

Staying here for a little while longer couldn’t possibly be critiqued. If Yue Qingyuan’s shizun found fault, then Yue Qingyuan would take the blame without complaint knowing that he had done the right thing. They still had seven days until they had to be back at Cang Qiong. It would practically be negligent if Yue Qingyuan didn’t ensure Liu Qingge’s good health.

“Do you feel better now, Shidi?” Yue Qingyuan asked.

In the process of wiping Liu Qingge down, Liu Qingge had lost a good number of his clothes. Half of them were stained in sweat; the other half were stained with other fluids. Without his uniform, Liu Qingge had a surprisingly coltish quality to him, like he was more joints than limbs—or maybe that was just because he was trying to cover himself for a meager amount of modesty while sitting mostly naked on Yue Qingyuan’s outer robe. Yue Qingyuan tucked a middle layer robe further around Liu Qingge’s shoulders.

“I’m fine,” said Liu Qingge mulishly.

This was very clearly not the case. Already his voice was beginning to wobble. And he was hard again, although he was trying to keep it hidden with his thighs.

There was a beauty mark on Liu Qingge’s shoulder. Such a knobbly shoulder at the edges; it looked like it would be a little unpleasant to kiss. Was Liu Qingge eating enough? He spent too much time traveling, and probably relying on inedia when he was too busy slaying monsters and flying. “I have some food in my bag. Is Shidi hungry?”

Yue Qingyuan had gotten halfway through pulled out a bit of wrapped pastry when Liu Qingge said, stiltedly: “—Shixiong also… was doused with the pollen…”

Yes, but Yue Qingyuan had meditated it away.

“…So… shouldn’t this be… good for Shixiong… too?”

Yue Qingyuan’s expression softened.

Did Liu Qingge think that Yue Qingyuan was lying about having dispersed the aphrodisiac effects? Liu Qingge was strangely attentive to others in his own way.

“I’m just fine,” Yue Qingyuan said. Yue Qingyuan had already taken too many liberties with Liu Qingge. He shouldn’t forget that, even if this cave so far away from the sect had become a private little shelter away from Yue Qingyuan’s shizun’s eyes, this was still an objectively terrible experience for Liu Qingge. “Here. You have to keep your strength up.”

Liu Qingge took the pastry and immediately put it back down. “But what about you?”

“I’m not hungry.”

“That’s not what I—“

Liu Qingge had gotten so annoyed that he’d tried to sit up, but this exposed his own nudity, and he immediately pulled his knees back up to his chest again. “We should cycle your energy,” said Yue Qingyuan, and although Liu Qingge watched him warily, Yue Qingyuan only came around to place his hands on Liu Qingge’s back.

Liu Qingge looked still so embarrassed of his own arousal and extremely determined to ignore it, but from what little Yue Qingyuan could see with Liu Qingge’s thighs in the way, the skin looked taut and swollen. The more that Yue Qingyuan fed Liu Qingge spiritual energy, the more Liu Qingge’s breathing came out thin and fast, as if injured.

“How do you feel, Shidi?” Yue Qingyuan asked quietly, and tilted Liu Qingge’s head up.

The next thing he knew, Liu Qingge had flattened Yue Qingyuan to the ground.

“No,” Liu Qingge said through gritted teeth.

Yue Qingyuan had been too selfish. He’d taken too much advantage of Liu Qingge’s weakness.

Without any note of resignation in his voice, Yue Qingyuan said, “Then Liu-shidi should be alright for now to return to Qian Cao for the rest of his treatment. The symptoms will return soon—“

“You too,” Liu Qingge said through gritted teeth. As if he were forcing the words out with immense effort: “You—should feel good… too.”

For a moment, Yue Qingyuan struggled with how to tell Liu Qingge that it was alright, that Yue Qingyuan didn’t need to be touched—then he understood. Liu Qingge wasn’t satisfied with just touching himself. Of course, sex with another person was a different experience than just a hand.

This must have been unsatisfying to Liu Qingge, and Liu Qingge already was having an unpleasant first time.

This was probably the very least of what Yue Qingyuan owed Liu Qingge.

In this life, the responsibilities that you owed others came first and foremost; second came your duty to try to love your own responsibilities, or at least bring yourself not to hate it; last, and least important, the life that you lived for yourself was something to be nibbled at around the edges of whatever wasn’t subsumed by your role for others. Yue Qingyuan had a duty as Head Disciple and soon to be Sect Leader to carry on Cang Qiong’s legacy and strength; if Cang Qiong could then be used as a safe haven for those people who Yue Qingyuan most wanted to protect, then that wasn’t selfish, only a coincidence. In seven days, Yue Qingyuan would go to the Head Disciple assembly, run it in an orderly fashion, and ensure all of his fellow Head Disciples were in attendance as promised; and whether or not Yue Qingyuan liked who he was standing next to at the assembly was, like all things, a joy to be eked out in the corners of his own life, where it would not disturb the larger going-ons of Cang Qiong.

Liu Qingge’s cultivation was really sincerely in danger. However Yue Qingyuan felt about how Liu Qingge shivered when Yue Qingyuan had cleaned his cock—this was incidental.

Slowly, without saying anything, Yue Qingyuan began to pull his collar down.

“I can do it,” Liu Qingge said quickly, and before Yue Qingyuan could object, he began to—

—well, he began to attempt… something.

Liu Qingge would pull a layer off, and then there would be a flash of more skin than he’d been expecting, and then Liu Qingge would have to look someplace else for a little while. Then he’d undo Yue Qingyuan’s belt, and the robes would begin to fall apart, which implied that skin would be showing in the near future, and then Liu Qingge would have to look someplace else for a little while again. Yue Qingyuan thought that Liu Qingge would pass out when he first saw the brown areola around Yue Qingyuan’s nipple. “Shidi, why don’t I—“ Yue Qingyuan would say, and then Liu Qingge would snap, “No!” and then he’d reach for Yue Qingyuan’s pants, and then there would be—surprisingly—skin underneath his pants, too, and then Liu Qingge would have to look someplace else.

After this entire production, at last, Liu Qingge was looking down at Yue Qingyuan’s crotch.

His very flat, penis-less crotch.

Slowly, Liu Qingge frowned.

“Where did it go?” Liu Qingge said.

Yue Qingyuan resisted the urge to cough.

When Yue Qingyuan had been young, his greatest fear in life had been getting pregnant. So, like many girls on the street, he’d dressed himself in boy’s clothes to protect himself. To this day, he wasn’t actually sure if Shen Jiu had known that his Qi-ge was, theoretically, supposed to be his “Qi-jie,” because by the time Shen Jiu came about, Yue Qi had been a boy for almost two years; surely at some point Shen Jiu must have figured it out, but at the time, he’d been so young that he had not questioned why Yue Qi’s body looked different from other boys whenever they took baths.

When Yue Qi was selected for Qiong Ding, he reasoned to himself that his shizun had chosen him during the trials thinking that Yue Qi was a boy, so it would be rude to go back to living as a girl. Besides, at that point, wearing girl’s clothes felt like Yue Qi was a boy playing dress-up, rather than the other way around, and he made a very ugly girl besides. In the early days of his time at Cang Qiong, he’d actually made a friend with another disciple, who’d, to his surprise, and told him that she’d also dressed up as a boy to make the trip to Cang Qiong. “It was really fun,” Li Yun had said, “because I was getting away with something. Like I was wearing a costume in a play! But I look much cuter now, don’t you think?” (In retrospect, Li Yun had had some sort of feeling for him. She’d since left the sect and gotten married.) Yue Qi had agreed amiably at the time, although he couldn’t understand why, if she’d ever dressed as a boy, she’d ever want to take the costume off.

When bandages stopped being enough to flatten his chest, in the interest of maintaining his life as a man, he got creative. There were any number of tinctures and elixirs from Qian Cao that could modify the shape of someone’s body, change the timber of someone’s voice, even broaden someone’s shoulders and give them that telltale hard lump on the neck. Naturally, these were in high demand among many teenaged boys who wanted broader shoulders or better arms or longer… certain body parts. These items then became somewhat difficult to obtain. Because Yue Qi could no longer bring himself to steal, and because he hated the idea of being given handouts, he paid the Qian Cao disciples for these pills by scrubbing bedpans after his own chores on Qiong Ding were done. With every change, he fit better into his clothes, filled out some broad-shouldered and flat-chested image of himself that he hadn’t even known he was expecting.

Shamefully, he even tried a potion that temporarily changed what was between his legs, which was more or less unnecessary to his disguise since nobody would ever see him with all his clothes off. Still, he’d liked being able to pee standing up (something Shen Jiu could do that Yue Qi had been, secretly, a bit jealous of), so he’d started drinking the potion every three days or so to keep the temporary effect as permanent as possible. It was important, he told himself, in case he ever found a woman who he wanted to marry and make love to; she would be disappointed if her husband could not give her children or pleasure her in bed. In his mind’s eye, she would already be annoyed to have Shen Jiu as a brother-in-law (because that was the usual reaction to Shen Jiu, generally) and Shen Jiu would also be annoyed that Yue Qi had gotten married in the first place (because surely by this point Yue Qi would have saved Shen Jiu from the Qiu manor), so Yue Qi would have to work very hard to keep both of them happy.

After he came out of the Ling Xi caves, he stopped drinking the potion. A lot of things were different about his body. He stopped wanting to look at it.

Liu Qingge had no such compunctions. He was looking at Yue Qingyuan’s crotch like he’d found a dead fish in Yue Qingyuan’s pants. “Did that flower do this to you?” Liu Qingge asked.

It was true that there were plants in this world that changed one’s genitals, but how could a flower that boosted male virility do this? Yue Qingyuan checked Liu Qingge’s temperature again, hoping that no permanent brain damage was occurring.

“Isn’t it better this way?” Yue Qingyuan said. With as much deliberate self-control as he could, he moved a leg, so that Liu Qingge could see the “flower” between. Yue Qingyuan could not be nervous. Liu Qingge was already nervous; therefore, Yue Qingyuan was not nervous. He would take care of Liu Qingge.

Liu Qingge’s eyes grew three sizes and then he had to look someplace else.

“We can start slow,” said Yue Qingyuan, drawing Liu Qingge closer. Liu Qingge crawled over him mutely, suddenly perfectly docile and obedient, hanging on Yue Qingyuan’s every instructions. He didn’t question a single thing as Yue Qingyuan coaxed Liu Qingge’s cock to lie flush against Yue Qingyuan’s cunt. “Here. Like this.”

Although there was some risk of pregnancy when it came to sex, surely it would be alright to just rub together in this way. Yue Qingyuan was already slick there, and it would feel good for Liu Qingge.

Unfortunately, Liu Qingge was looking at him like Yue Qingyuan had asked him to solve a complex math problem.

“Rock your hips,” Yue Qingyuan said, in a steady voice that did not betray that Yue Qingyuan himself had no idea what he was doing, and gently pulled Liu Qingge’s hips in the right motion. Liu Qingge whined. His cock seemed to grow fatter against Yue Qingyuan’s folds, and the flushed head began to leak. Like this, so clearly wanting and needy, Yue Qingyuan couldn’t help but think it was a bit cute.

“Does it—feel good for you?” Liu Qingge mumbled. “Like this?”

Making Liu Qingge feel good felt good to Yue Qingyuan. “It’s perfect,” Yue Qingyuan murmured in his ear, and Liu Qingge hunched over, trying to grab at Yue Qingyuan to drag him closer. “You’re doing very well.”

“Shixiong,” Liu Qingge panted. “Shixiong. Shixiong…”

Yue Qingyuan stroked his back and his hair. Liu Qingge buried his face in Yue Qingyuan’s shoulder and his motions turned fast and frantic like a rabbit’s while his arms clung to Yue Qingyuan as if for dear life.

On accident, the cockhead caught on Yue Qingyuan’s folds. Liu Qingge ground up, hard, dragging the shaft against Yue Qingyuan’s sensitive clit once, then again, and again—

That little nub at the top of his hole had grown considerably in size the more masculine Yue Qingyuan had grown, and now fully peeked out of its hood. Although it wasn’t the same as the penis he’d had from drinking the potion, it was still big enough to rub against. But the sensation—it was unbearable. Yue Qingyuan reminded himself to breathe, forcing himself to be calm. Why was it so sensitive? Had it gotten worse while it grew in size? He didn’t remember his penis being this sensitive.

Yue Qingyuan wished that Liu Qingge would leave his clit alone, but then a particularly sloppy thrust dragged Liu Qingge’s cock down, across where his hole was flushed red and leaking, and for a moment, Yue Qingyuan thought that Liu Qingge would slip inside and the sheer anticipation made Yue Qingyuan seize up. Mercifully, it was a small climax, so even when he came, he bit his lip hard to make no noise.

When it was over, while Yue Qingyuan breathed hard through his nose and hoped Liu Qingge hadn’t noticed. Liu Qingge was staring at Yue Qingyuan’s face with the sort of blank, expressionless focus that Liu Qingge usually reserved for duels. It was the unnerving stillness of a predator in the middle of a hunt, which was a degree of physical control that was always beautiful to see on the battlefield; up close, with Liu Qingge’s face half a breath away from Yue Qingyuan’s own, Yue Qingyuan could see why other disciples said Liu Qingge was frightening. Belatedly, Yue Qingyuan realized that Liu Qingge had stopped blinking.

“Shi—“ Yue Qingyuan began, and then for some reason Liu Qingge pinched Yue Qingyuan’s clit hard.

What the hell are you doing is what Yue Qingyuan would have said if he hadn’t been biting his lip against some disgusting noise trying to come out of him. Liu Qingge did it again, not quite as hard; the noise bubbled closer to the surface, until Yue Qingyuan’s eyes screwed shut. “What was that,” Liu Qingge panted, although Liu Qingge very clearly knew what it was. “Shixiong. Hey.”

Yue Qingyuan was holding on to his composure with both hands. “What was that,” Liu Qingge said again, more frustrated, and then his palm slid wet and flat down his clit and both of Yue Qingyuan’s legs jerked. “Shixiong,” Liu Qingge demanded, which Yue Qingyuan didn’t answer, terrified of whatever would come out of his mouth if he opened it, so Liu Qingge just did it again, and again, grinding his cock against Yue Qingyuan’s hole, digging the heel of his palm into Yue Qingyuan’s mound, until Yue Qingyuan was pressing himself flat against the earth with his thigh muscles curled tightly around Liu Qingge’s waist.

From somewhere next to his ear, Liu Qingge was saying, “Shixiong please let me please I’ll make it good, I can do it, I’ll be good—”

Yue Qingyuan dug his fingers in with the effort of doing nothing that would ruin Liu Qingge’s image of his dependable eldest shixiong, except then he realized his nails were digging into Liu Qingge’s back and Liu Qingge had shoved his nose and mouth up against Yue Qingyuan’s throat, where he was panting wetly against Yue Qingyuan’s skin and Liu Qingge could still feel the faint vibrations of Yue Qingyuan’s whimpers.

“Please,” Liu Qingge mumbled, so close that Yue Qingyuan could feel him in his throat; when Yue Qingyuan turned his head away, Liu Qingge’s teeth nipped instantly at the exposed neck. In a motion hard enough to slap skin together, Liu Qingge rocked hard against him, grinding the swollen nub of Yue Qingyuan’s clit against Liu Qingge’s shaft, faster, until Yue Qingyuan’s back slid against the ground, until Yue Qingyuan’s hole clenched so hard on nothing that it was beginning to cramp, as close as Liu Qingge could get to fucking him, panting and whimpering into Yue Qingyuan’s skin.

“Shixiong,” Liu Qingge begged.

The way that Liu Qingge said it, he looked and sounded like he was nearly in pain. Yue Qingyuan caved instantly. “—Just a little,” Yue Qingyuan said in a strained voice. “Shidi can… can put just the tip inside—”

There was some distant reason why this was a bad idea that Yue Qingyuan could not remember because instantly the head caught on Yue Qingyuan’s hole and began to push. Yue Qingyuan put a hand over his own mouth to stay silent and Liu Qingge snatched it away, shoved his mouth right against Yue Qingyuan’s, kissed him hard and desperately like he could lick every noise straight out of Yue Qingyuan’s lips and Yue Qingyuan’s chest hurt again. The boy was so out of his depth and seeking reassurance in a shixiong who he never would have chosen otherwise if they hadn’t been in this position. Liu Qingge should have had a tender loss of his virginity on a soft bed with a sweet girl who made Liu Qingge’s heart melt, who could kiss Liu Qingge like he was the center of the world; not Yue Qingyuan, whose kisses would only be a poor replacement.

Yue Qingyuan kissed him back as gently as he could, as if he, too, could lave over the wound Liu Qingge was suffering, but the instant that Yue Qingyuan opened his mouth, Liu Qingge’s kisses only turned more frantic. Liu Qingge held his head against the ground at such a harsh angle that Yue Qingyuan’s head was beginning to hurt, nearly folding Yue Qingyuan in half to get the right angle, like Liu Qingge wanted only to pry open Yue Qingyuan’s jaw and lick every part of him inside, and Yue Qingyuan could do nothing but shiver and lay pliant for his shidi to take what he needed from him.

And then Liu Qingge bit down hard on Yue Qingyuan’s lip and gasped and went still.

“Shidi?” Yue Qingyuan asked hoarsely, once Liu Qingge released his mouth. “Are you…”

Liu Qingge panted heavily and didn’t answer. The tip of his cock was still nestled inside Yue Qingyuan’s folds, and it took Yue Qingyuan a moment to realize that he’d come inside.

Liu Qingge looked so guilty about it, in that instinctive way that dogs know they shouldn’t have pissed indoors, that Yue Qingyuan could only sigh and stroke his sweaty hair. “Do you feel better?”

Liu Qingge’s eyes flickered up and then down in shame.

He hadn’t gone soft at all.

Yue Qingyuan struggled to keep his face straight. The Seven Yellow Bells were known for two straight days of “invigoration.”

“It’s okay,” said Yue Qingyuan, rubbing a hand down Liu Qingge’s sweaty back. “Did it feel good?”

Liu Qingge’s face turned red again.

“It’s alright if Liu-shidi enjoys himself. This shixiong will take care of the risk of pregnancy.”

Liu Qingge’s expression flickered. “Pregnancy?”

Even Liu Qingge’s voice still sounded unsteady from the pollen, hazily drunk and confused. Yue Qingyuan said, “Shidi, you shouldn’t strain yourself. The imbalance caused by the aphrodisiacs—”

“Shixiong will be pregnant?” Liu Qingge said. His hand rubbed over Yue Qingyuan’s pelvis, like he could feel it taking.

Yue Qingyuan didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. His poor, guilelessly devoted shidi, who was clearly not in his right mind at all, had snagged on that word like a bit of cloth on a hook.

What Bai Zhan disciple wanted to have a small child to look after? It would ruin Liu Qingge’s promising cultivation career. Yue Qingyuan made a shushing noise and stroked Liu Qingge’s thigh comfortingly. “That won’t happen.”

Liu Qingge’s expression darkened. “Why not?”

Because if Yue Qingyuan was smart—which he frequently wasn’t—Yue Qingyuan would be going straight to Cang Qiong to take a preventative tea. “It’s nothing for Liu-shidi to worry about.”

“Did I do it wrong?”

“Of course not—”

“It wasn’t good for you,” Liu Qingge said flatly.

“Whether or not it’s pleasurable has nothing to do with whether or not you conceive.”

“I will do it again. Better,” Liu Qingge said.

In small movements, Liu Qingge began to rock in again, just a little. Even just this much was excruciating; Yue Qingyuan could hear himself down there, wet and disgusting noises that made the ears burn, Yue Qingyuan’s walls cramping with the need for something inside, the head of Liu Qingge’s cock sliding so messily through the slick and cum that Yue Qingyuan could imagine easily how he could slip inside. Yue Qingyuan’s clit had become red and stiff like a cock from having been teased too much. “Let me,” Liu Qingge said.

“Shidi, wait—think about what you’re saying—”

“Shixiong doesn’t want children?”

Yue Qingyuan hesitated. “—I—I do,” he said, which was true, a ridiculously true statement that he shouldn’t share; a good leader is not human—“—I did—but I don’t know if I can conceive…“

Genuinely, he had no idea. Yue Qi had been a foolish child who dreamed of waiting until marriage and marrying your childhood friend, honoring each other with desiring only one body and one soul in your whole life; he’d once wanted to be a father so badly that he’d dreamed about being a grandfather, too, so he could have small, colicky children to dote on a second time. (When he’d told Shen Jiu this, Shen Jiu had given him a stinky look, like Yue Qi had confessed a desire to become a taxidermist. Then Shen Jiu had told him that Yue Qi would never get married to anyone because who would want to marry a slave boy except ugly old hag women with no prospects? So Yue Qi was better off giving up on this idea and staying with Shen Jiu forever.)

But Yue Qingyuan didn’t actually know what organs had been left intact after the Ling Xi caves. He didn’t want to know. He understood very well that his body, now, was made for Xuan Su and Cang Qiong, not things like bringing pleasure to your lover or giving hugs to your children, and it was easier not to know because it was easier not to hope.

“Then I will give Shixiong children,” said Liu Qingge immediately.

Liu Qingge was so badly affected by the pollen. He’d never say this if he were thinking straight.

Strangely, Liu Qingge’s eyes seemed quite clear as he lifted Yue Qingyuan’s legs so that he could seat himself deeper, fit himself to the root. Being finally filled had Yue Qingyuan shivering around the thick weight of it, the tug as his cock slotted behind Yue Qingyuan’s pubic bone, the fullness as Liu Qingge sank flush to the hip.

He barely pulled out. He just stayed there, grinding, Yue Qingyuan realized, the cum from earlier deeper into him, to ensure that it would take.

“Everyone will know,” Liu Qingge mumbled. “It’ll be mine. Mine…”

Deliriously, Yue Qingyuan wondered when Liu Qingge had cared so much about children. Had Liu Qingge wanted children so much that he’d even be willing to have them with someone he didn’t care about? What would it be like, to be loved only for the child in Yue Qingyuan’s womb?

“Take care of you,” Liu Qingge was whispering. “Keep you… I’ll…”

It was just the pollen.

Yue Qingyuan reached up to Liu Qingge’s face and opened his legs wider; with renewed determination, Liu Qingge hitched Yue Qingyuan’s hips up and bent Yue Qingyuan nearly in half for a kiss, frantic and messy, so that Yue Qingyuan had to soothe him back down with his lips and tongue. Liu Qingge was shaking with the effort of restraining himself.

“Shixiong can take it,” Yue Qingyuan whispered. “You can let go.”

Liu Qingge whimpered.

Then he slammed in so hard that Yue Qingyuan nearly bit him.

Yue Qingyuan’s back slid on the robe they’d set down on the dirt floor; like a dog pinning down its chewtoy to better eviscerate it, Liu Qingge pinned his hips down, dragged him back onto his cock, shoved Yue Qingyuan’s thighs out of the way until the tendons stretched.

There was no elegance and no restraint. Liu Qingge held him in place to fuck into him as fast as he could, crushing skin to skin until Yue Qingyuan feared bruises where Liu Qingge’s fingers squeezed his flesh. Liu Qingge’s hips were painful against Yue Qingyuan’s hole. When Liu Qingge’s pelvis brushed Yue Qingyuan’s clit, the sensation was so harsh that it hurt; when it didn’t, the neglect was so sharp that it hurt again; and despite himself, Yue Qingyuan heard himself moan.

At that single noise, Liu Qingge seized Yue Qingyuan’s waist and bit hard on Yue Qingyuan’s nipple. A bright ring of pain laced that sensitive skin; then there were teeth on the delicate nub, too overwrought, and Yue Qingyuan flinched as Liu Qingge gnawed until Yue Qingyuan felt as raw and sensitive as if he’d put his bare flesh on hot metal; and then Liu Qingge turned to the other nipple and did the same until Yue Qingyuan’s breaths came out like sobs, driven out of him by Liu Qingge’s hips at a punishing pace.

This was probably alright, Yue Qingyuan thought dizzily. It was for Liu Qingge’s sake. Liu Qingge was just taking what he needed from Yue Qingyuan’s body; Yue Qingyuan was only here to be used for his pleasure.

“Shixiong will be full of children,” Liu Qingge panted. “As many children as he wants.”

Liu-shidi must want children, Yue Qingyuan thought, lifting his head to say something, only for Liu Qingge to shove him back down with a growl.

It wouldn’t be so bad to have Liu Qingge’s children. Beautiful little children for Yue Qingyuan to raise alone, since Liu Qingge of course would not be able to publicly claim his bastards—it was enough for Yue Qingyuan to know that he’d given his flesh and blood to them, nurtured them to be strong and healthy—although his chest had flattened out to masculine pectorals, perhaps his milk would come in anyway, and Yue Qingyuan could let Liu Qingge’s children suckle from his chest, taking what they needed from him and his body.

How many children would Liu Qingge need? Just one? More than one? Would the Liu family let a lowly young man with no ancestors corrupt their golden firstborn son with children out of wedlock? It wasn’t that Yue Qingyuan wanted to ruin Liu Qingge. It’s just that Liu Qingge clearly needed this; his hair was all askew, his face flushed and fixated on Yue Qingyuan. How could Yue Qingyuan say no to the desperate way that he sank into Yue Qingyuan, grabbed Yue Qingyuan’s hair and held his head down so that he couldn’t struggle, keeping him in place for his cock?

Yue Qingyuan wouldn’t ask for anything. He wouldn’t even ask for Liu Qingge to acknowledge the children. When Yue Qingyuan was done birthing his first child, wouldn’t Liu Qingge still have needs? Even if Yue Qingyuan was fat and round, Yue Qingyuan wouldn’t leave Liu Qingge to suffer; or even after Yue Qingyuan had just birthed his first child, of course he would let Liu Qingge have him again. Even if it’d only been a few days after birth, he would let Liu Qingge use him. Whatever Liu Qingge wanted, Yue Qingyuan thought dizzily; however deep Liu Qingge needed to seed Yue Qingyuan’s body, Liu Qingge could have it, as many times as he liked—

Suddenly Liu Qingge pulled out. As if frustrated, he flipped Yue Qingyuan over, so forcefully that Yue Qingyuan could only blankly register that he—a man taller and heavier than most people—was being manhandled for the first time since he was a child. Then Liu Qingge unceremoniously forced Yue Qingyuan’s hips up and his thighs apart so that he could bully his way back inside and begin thrusting again.

Like this, face down, there was no illusion of intimacy. Yue Qingyuan was a thing for Liu Qingge to get off with. If Yue Qingyuan got pregnant from this, it was his own fault. Yue Qingyuan came violently with his nose pressed to the dirt.

“Shixiong,” Liu Qingge’s voice pleaded, “is it better like this? Shixiong?”

Yue Qingyuan shivered in silence, the aftereffects still spinning his head. He was suddenly thankful for the floor keeping him upright.

“Shixiong, tell me if it’s good,” Liu Qingge begged, and he plastered himself to Yue Qingyuan’s back, still fucking into him with small jerks, as Liu Qingge tried to fit a hand underneath Yue Qingyuan to touch his clit. “Please…”

In this position on his knees, Yue Qingyuan’s clit was exposed and untouched and too sensitive while Liu Qingge’s cock filled his hole; if anything touched it now, he was afraid he would scream. “Wait,” Yue Qingyuan said weakly, trying to push Liu Qingge’s hand away, “no, don’t—”

Liu Qingge, that hardheaded man, could never be deterred from anything he’d already set his mind to. Liu Qingge’s fingers dug into the sensitive skin around his clit and Yue Qingyuan couldn’t stop himself from shouting. “Shidi,” he heard himself sob, as if from a distance, and he seized up again and he thought he might have pissed himself, but Liu Qingge only rubbed harder, hunting for Yue Qingyuan’s pleasure in his body with the sheer brute force that Liu Qingge used on the battlefield, spreading the warm fluids about, shoving himself into Yue Qingyuan’s body like he couldn’t stop.

Yue Qingyuan’s eyes burned with unshed tears. “Shidi, it’s—no—too much—”

Liu Qingge’s mouth kissed hot against Yue Qingyuan’s spine. “I can’t,” Yue Qingyuan’s voice gasped, but then he did, because Liu Qingge mercilessly dragged his palm over Yue Qingyuan’s clit and his fingers dug into the folds where they were still joined, and like that Liu Qingge began to thrust again, as if entirely without care for Yue Qingyuan’s pleasure at all. Stupidly, Yue Qingyuan felt himself come again.

By the end of it, Yue Qingyuan began to struggle, afraid of that horrible pleasure that threatened to swallow him a fourth time and the mess he was making of himself. With the hunter’s instinct that had made him Bai Zhan’s darling prodigy, Liu Qingge pinned him down, seized his hair, and pulled viciously, until Yue Qingyuan’s jaw hung open and disgusting, wet sounds dripped from his mouth, mixing with the sound of their thighs slapping together. Liu Qingge came groaning into Yue Qingyuan’s cunt again, wrenching Yue Qingyuan’s elbow up and using it to hold Yue Qingyuan flush to his hips, so that Yue Qingyuan had no choice but to arch his back and take all of Liu Qingge’s cum, so deep that nothing spilled.

Yue Qingyuan finally understood what people meant when they said that “bedroom activities” made them feel “wrung out.” If he could have come again, he might have at the feeling of Liu Qingge’s cock leaking inside him, filling him right up against his womb. But he didn’t; he had nothing left; all he could do was lay there and pant and shiver, feeling like he hadn’t ever quite come down from his orgasm in the first place.

At last, Liu Qingge pulled out. With surprising gentleness, Liu Qingge rolled Yue Qingyuan over onto his back, and then scrambled on top of him.

“Did you come?” Liu Qingge demanded.

Yue Qingyuan stared at him.

“Did you?” Liu Qingge said again, more panicked.

Yue Qingyuan closed his eyes and concentrated on not liquefying into the dirt.

“—I will try again,” said Liu Qingge, and at last, out of self-defense, Yue Qingyuan protested that yes it had been good, yes he had come, shidi please lie down and rest please. Only then did Liu Qingge calm down long enough for Yue Qingyuan to open his arms and fold Liu Qingge in.

Small places were safe. Yue Qi became so tall so fast that he took up most of those spaces, making them even smaller; when another boy was squeezed into a tiny room next to him, close enough that Yue Qi could hear his heartbeat, that was when he knew they would be alright.

Maybe that was what was wrong with the Ling Xi caves. They were tall enough to stand in; the system extended deep into Cang Qiong, winnowing into tight streams over time, but the caverns themselves were huge. Empty. When he wasn’t beating himself into the blocked entrance, Yue Qi had curled up in the smaller, tighter passageways just to feel something holding him until he realized what they reminded him of: The caverns were shaped like the roof of a mouth, and the narrowing passages felt too much like the gullet, the throat constricting as it consumed you. Instantly, the memory of being squeezed into a small room with Shen Jiu turned those small corners of the Ling Xi caves into the nooselike grip of an esophagus. In the dark, he married himself to the stone blocking the entrance. He bludgeoned himself to death against it. He drew Xuan Su and scratched up and down that stone, like it were a tooth he could uproot with enough pain and brute force from the cave mouth. He'd imagined for months that this stone might save him from being sucked deeper into the cave system and digested by the caves, and he'd imagined that Shen Jiu stood just on the other side of that stone, mocking Yue Qi's foolishness, listening to his screams through the vibrations in the rock. Yue Qi had pressed his bloody face to its surface, learned its every groove by touch of finger and cheek, and he'd hated that rock with an intensity that he had never felt before or since.

When night came, Yue Qingyuan woke up from his doze. Cheng Luan and Xuan Su lay propped against the cave wall. The ceiling of the cave was so close and cramped that Yue Qingyuan could see every root in the dirt.

Liu Qingge was asleep on his shoulder, all his hair askew across the cave floor. Although they’d set their clothes on the dirt floor, all their robes had twisted and bunched, so Yue Qingyuan lay with half his back on nothing but dusty, crunchy stone. With Liu Qingge nestled in Yue Qingyuan’s limbs, no part of Liu Qingge’s body touched the dirt, so Yue Qingyuan stroked Liu Qingge’s hair lightly into order and closed his eyes again.

Outside, it began to rain. Water dripped from the cave’s entrance and the foliage hanging down. A light downpour, a meager curtain to hide them from view. Cang Qiong’s eyes did not see this far away from the sect, and the responsibilities that Yue Qingyuan was still putting off could not reach them here. It was the most privacy that Yue Qingyuan had had perhaps ever in his life; he had always slept in communal rooms, or dorms, or in his shizun’s side room, where disciples went in every day to clean it on his behalf, and anything that Yue Qingyuan kept there would be subject to his shizun’s scrutiny if discovered by another disciple. Yue Qingyuan’s shizun had warned him that the cover of privacy was where evil lurked and good men did not need for secrecy. In this life, it was your responsibility to love your responsibilities, without pretense, with only sincerity to scour you clean inside and out.

It wasn’t proper for a Head Disciple to wish that the rain would come down harder, completely shutting out the outside world.

“Shixiong,” said Liu Qingge quietly.

Yue Qingyuan looked away from the rain. Liu Qingge's face, well known for its severe eyebrows and sharp eyes, was surprisingly soft when he’d just woken up. Liu Qingge should be more aware of how he looked, Yue Qingyuan thought; the sight of him in Yue Qingyuan’s inner robe and nothing else was too indecent.

“Am I still affected by the pollen?” Liu Qingge asked.

Liu Qingge held his face a little too straight. He was a bad liar. Yue Qingyuan decided that it would probably be better not to check his meridians. “I’m sure that you are,” said Yue Qingyuan, and loosened his arms around Liu Qingge’s waist so that Liu Qingge could stretch up to face him.

For some reason, Liu Qingge kissed him first, close-lipped, with his eyes shut. Belatedly, Yue Qingyuan closed his own eyes. If this was what Liu Qingge needed, Yue Qingyuan only wanted to provide.

They made it back to the assembly on time.

After two days of tending to Liu Qingge’s needs in that cave, Yue Qingyuan’s waist and knees were furious at him for the entire performance.

For almost two shichen of standing in one place in the hot sun, pretending that his back wasn’t aching, Yue Qingyuan did exactly what Liu Qingge said he would, which was pester Shen Jiu and receive pure silence in reply. By the time, he had run out of questions to ask. From Shen Jiu’s minimal and noncommittal answers, it seemed that Shen Jiu was not ill, not falling behind in his studies, and even if he had no friends and others generally disliked him, he wasn’t being bullied, either, if only because nobody could bully him. Yue Qingyuan felt like he could breathe again. Now there was nothing left to do but to wait for the last Xian Shu ribbon dance to end, so Yue Qingyuan settled into place to wait.

When Yue Qingyuan cycled his qi, in his womb, there was—not quite life, but something that had caught inside him.

Yue Qingyuan closed his eyes.

Liu Qingge really—he’d really done it. He’d fucked Yue Qingyuan pregnant. Until Yue Qingyuan’s body had no choice but to take seed.

Yue Qingyuan shivered.

He’d been selfish. No matter how he’d tried to become stronger, to become selfless and giving, there was still some hungry part of him that was weak and wanting. And now Liu Qingge would pay the price for Yue Qingyuan’s failures. He should have been better. He shouldn’t have let himself be so… open.

He’d wanted to spare Liu Qingge from discomfort so badly that he’d been impulsive again.

When he opened his eyes again, Shen Jiu was looking at him.

Just a little—just out of the corner of his eye. Shen Jiu’s black iris slid away to face forward again so quick and soundless that Yue Qingyuan might have imagined it.

When they were released from their standing positions, Yue Qingyuan of course was swarmed by various other junior disciples coming to congratulate him on the smooth production, as was usual for all the Head Disciples. Except, of course, for Shen Jiu, who stood off to the side, unmoving as a frozen pole, and suffered only the barest nod from the Qing Jing Peak Lord and the barest compliments that others were required to give him. There was no way to know if these obligatory compliments were insufferable to him or praise that he craved; his eyes simply narrowed to slits regardless of what was said to him, until at last people left him alone.

“—Shixiong,” said Liu Qingge, stepping in front of Yue Qingyuan’s vision.

Liu Qingge had successfully beaten off his crowd of admirers with a single devastating cold glance, which, unfortunately, would only increase how many people were his distant fans. (Yue Qingyuan could already see two Xian Shu girls whispering passionately to each other while gazing longingly at Liu Qingge’s back.) Liu Qingge, as he always did, had tidied up neatly for official events; his ponytail had been redone so severely that not a hair had escaped, and he wore his collars up, which would probably be intimidating on Liu Qingge’s lanky height if Yue Qingyuan were not a half a head taller than him.

The last Yue Qingyuan had seen of Liu Qingge, they’d gone to Qian Cao to verify that Liu Qingge was is good health. Afterwards, even though Yue Qingyuan had really intended to sit by Liu Qingge’s side through the examination, a Qiong Ding disciple had come to him complaining that An Ding hadn’t gotten the right flowers for the color scheme, and Yue Qingyuan had let himself be carried away by his responsibilities. The next he knew, it was the day of the assembly, and he hadn’t seen Liu Qingge once since they’d parted.

And now Yue Qingyuan was here, while Liu Qingge looked up hopefully into Yue Qingyuan’s face, and Liu Qingge’s child was inside him, evidence of their indiscretion, taking its needs from Yue Qingyuan’s body.

“Shidi,” said Yue Qingyuan warmly. “Have you been well?” he asked, which was a rhetorical question, because he had already placed a finger against Liu Qingge’s wrist to check his meridians.

“Mn,” said Liu Qingge anyway.

“The assembly wasn’t so bad, was it?”

“Mn,” said Liu Qingge, but more grouchily. Yue Qingyuan already knew that it would be a task and a half to get Liu Qingge to attend Peak Lord meetings when the time came for Yue Qingyuan to run those meetings and for Liu Qingge to actually attend them.

At this time of spring, the trees had begun to blossom and flowers drifted down onto the stone courtyard. The pink hues in the air probably accounted for the rosy look to Liu Qingge’s skin, but the overall effect was quite beautiful regardless.

At least, until Liu Qingge’s face abruptly crumpled into bitter hatred at something over Yue Qingyuan’s shoulder, and he barked, “What are you looking at?”

Behind Yue Qingyuan, Shen Jiu’s fan slid out. His eyes narrowed over the silver tips. The mountains on the fan’s design turned Shen Jiu’s face, the image of Yue Qingyuan’s most familiar childhood memory, into nothing more than an elegant ink painting with a pair of eyes.

Liu Qingge stood closer to Yue Qingyuan, as if there was something that Yue Qingyuan needed to be physically protected from. Shen Jiu’s eyes pinched in a sneer.

“Liu-shidi, he’s done nothing wrong,” said Yue Qingyuan. “In fact, it’s been some time since the two of you last spoke. Since then, I’ve heard that Qingqiu-shidi has improved greatly in his weiqi skills, which have great application to battlefield tactics and—”

Without a word, Shen Qingqiu simply turned around and left.

Yue Qingyuan didn’t dare to watch him go. The dismissal had been quite clear, and there was no point in continuing.

“Yue-shixiong is also an accomplished weiqi player,” said Liu Qingge.

Yue Qingyuan sighed. “So people have said,” he said, a bit heavily.

“…If Yue-shixiong thinks… weiqi is important to battle,” said Liu Qingge stiltedly. “Then. Yue-shixiong can teach me.”

Yue Qingyuan felt his own expression soften.

With most of the pleasantries done for the assembly, Yue Qingyuan could leave the An Ding disciples to dissemble the decorations around the courtyard and excuse himself to walk with Liu Qingge. Qiong Ding, of course, was so large that it was not difficult to find an empty pathway, and the grey granite was soothing to Yue Qingyuan, who often preferred the cool solace of darker colors.

“Shixiong,” Liu Qingge began. “About what happened…”

There were probably few things worse than having to let someone down.

It was cruel to make Liu Qingge be the one to have to cut things off. If Yue Qingyuan were kinder, he would do it himself. He would interrupt here and tell him, There’s no expectations from this. Or, I don’t recall anything happening.

All Yue Qingyuan can make himself say is, “What’s most important is that Shidi is well.”

“And what about you?” said Liu Qingge. He was back to his usual obstinate tone. If it were any less clipped, it might even be a little petulantly childish. Yue Qingyuan suppressed a smile. “Are you well?”

“Of course.”

“The…” Liu Qingge floundered. “What about the…”

Here, again, Yue Qingyuan was not kind enough to cut the silence off. Yue Qingyuan was still flawed. A subpar shixiong to this day.

With great effort, Liu Qingge said, “Has Shixiong… examined himself… for…?”

“It didn’t take,” Yue Qingyuan lied.

Liu Qingge swallowed. If Yue Qingyuan didn’t know better, Liu Qingge might have looked a bit disappointed.

“…I see,” was all he said.

Yue Qingyuan could very well make this lie true. There was still time to get rid of the child, of course. It was just that there was no way that Yue Qingyuan would ever be able to bring himself to kill it.

No, in about four or five months, he would have to go into “seclusion.” And then he would have to figure out what to do with the child on his own.

It was better this way. Liu Qingge had a promising and wonderful career as a cultivator ahead of him. His reputation rested purely upon his physical skill as a warrior, traveling far and wide to slay monsters and spread the local legends of his strength; it wouldn’t do for him to be tied down to taking care of a child at home. As for Yue Qingyuan, Qiong Ding’s art of governance already kept him close to the sect at all times to handle decision-making and defense.

It wouldn’t interfere with his duties. Yue Qingyuan would ensure it. He would not give his shizun, or anyone, any reason to believe that this child would interfere with his responsibilities. Even if one’s personal life had to be lived entirely in the margins around one’s duty to others, this child, too, was a person Yue Qingyuan held a duty to.

The scandal of having a bastard child might cost him his position as Head Disciple—if Yue Qingyuan were a usual Head Disciple. They would assume Yue Qingyuan had gotten some prostitute pregnant, or simply slept with an unmarried woman outside the sect. But if they exiled him from the sect, he would take Xuan Su with him—he physically could not leave it behind without dying—and the odds were that Yue Qingyuan’s shizun would choose to keep the sword over burying the scandal.

“That’s… good,” said Liu Qingge, as if he wasn’t sure if “good” was the word he wanted to use.

“Yes, it’s good,” said Yue Qingyuan. Liu Qingge’s face twitched.

“Then, Shixiong…”

Liu Qingge’s hand lifted, as if to reach out to Yue Qingyuan. “Could we…”

Although Yue Qingyuan waited, Liu Qingge never finished this sentence. “Could we…?” he prompted, but Liu Qingge remained stubbornly mute.

Suddenly, he tucked his hand back into his crossed arms, glowering furiously off the mountainside like the afternoon sun had personally aggrieved him.

Who knew what that was about? Whenever Liu Qingge figured it out, Yue Qingyuan would listen. Yue Qingyuan said, “Shidi, take your time. If you’re ever in trouble, Shixiong will take care of it for you. And wherever you are, whatever you need, I will always be here.”

After a long silence, Liu Qingge nodded, shortly, once. He frowned more deeply, as if he could neither make his peace with this, nor say what he meant. Yue Qingyuan let it go. They had all the time they needed for Liu Qingge to say what he needed to say.

At this point, they’d reached the Rainbow Bridge, and Yue Qingyuan had to pay a visit to Qian Cao, and Liu Qingge would have to go back to Bai Zhan. They said their goodbyes and parted. A gust of wind blew flowers into the air; a few caught on Liu Qingge’s shoulders, and Yue Qingyuan brushed them away before he left.

But when Liu Qingge was nearly a distant figure on the bridge, he wheeled around. The spring breezes had tossed more petals into his hair and whipped his ponytail into a waving flag. “You, too!” he shouted into the wind.

Me, what? Yue Qingyuan thought, before Liu Qingge spat out, almost angrily, “If you ever need anything! I will take care of it for you!”

How could anyone think that Liu Qingge was cold and uncaring? This was what Yue Qingyuan meant, that you just had to know him better.

If he said this, it was sincere. What he could do, he definitely would follow through. What he couldn’t do, he would endeavor to make it up. And Yue Qingyuan would never, in ten thousand years, ever accept such an offer. But still, looking at Liu Qingge at such a safe distance with flowers in his hair, even knowing that these words were just platitudes, Yue Qingyuan couldn’t help but smile.

This person, too, Yue Qingyuan wanted to protect, and so Yue Qingyuan could only remain silent and let Liu Qingge go.