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Janelle,

This letter should find you after my death. Otherwise someone else has found these letters and given them to the recipients. I know you'd be polite and hold onto this until my death if you get it before I die. I know for a fact you'd be that polite. You might even tell me you found it. And I'd tell you to hold onto it. Because I know you wouldn't read more.

At this point in my letter writing, I have three letters written. One to Chad, one to Chase, and one to Herman. I'm writing one to all of you. I hope they all get to each of you. I don't see why they wouldn't but I hope they do.

I was going to try to be all formal with these letters, like you try to be at work, but I don't think I have the brain capacity at this point in the day for it. It's Saturday when I'm writing this, so you can see why my brain is a bit fried. Especially after the week we just had.

Not the point of this letter.

This letter is the ramblings of a dead man. Things I wish I could say in life, but can't. Things that can only come out after death. I'm sorry you have to read this instead of hearing me say them directly. I hope you'll forgive me for that.

I'll tell you this, but I won't for anyone else, but I'm starting these off with an apology. Why am I telling you? I don't know. I trust you. You're getting more information than anyone else. Maybe because I know you can keep quiet about this all. I am not sure. But

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for dying. I'm sorry for judging you so harshly. I'm sorry for considering cutting you. I'm not sure if you blame me or not. I'm sorry either way. I should have fought harder for both of you to stay on the team. But I was weak. I'm sorry.

I know saying sorry, apologizing posthumously won't fix anything. I'm sorry for that. I hope at least it'll patch things up a bit. Not fully, I know it won't, but just a little bit.

I hope you might forgive me in death. If you don't, nothing I can do about it. Regardless, I hope my death brings a peace of some sort. That would make me feel better about everything.

This next part is a confession. Why I'm asking for forgiveness in the first place.

I don't know if I made the right choice between you and Victor. I don't even know if there was a right choice. I do know it was a hard choice. One I'd like to have never needed to make in the first place. One I hope I never need to make again. If we turned back time, I'm not sure I would have made the same choice. Maybe. Maybe not.

I know you'll understand. You've made hard decisions. Over and over again. Now you don't. And neither will I.

I appreciate you. I hope you knew that I was alive. In my own difficult emotionally constipated way. If not, you know that now. I'm sorry death took it for me to say it out loud. Or pen to paper, or whatever idiom you think is appropriate here. I know for a fact you'd have a good one. You're smart like that. Smarter than most of the team if I'm being honest. Don't tell the others I've said that. I know they won't like that.

I'll miss you. Even in death.

You are a great friend and a better confidant.

I don't know what I'm trying to say in this, but take care of them for me.

I think I know you'd be the best at it.

I'll miss you.

I hope you'll miss me too.

Maybe we'll see each other in Hell one day.

Thank you. For everything.