Chapter Text
« Hello Hyung, it is me, Han Jisung,
First of all, I need you to know that you did nothing wrong.
I love you.
You are a perfect leader, a perfect big brother. You gave me the life that I have today and I could never thank you enough for believing in me when no one else did… even myself. You gave me the confidence to believe in this dream and made it a reality for me, for all of us.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart.
I wanted to write you this letter because I trust you, you and only you deserve an explanation because you did so much for me. I owe it to you. Tell the others whatever you want about it, lie to them. I trust you to say the right thing.
I just can’t bare to tell them anything.
It is too painful, too crude, too real. There is too many secrets that only you have decyphered between the lines of my songs.
How could I explain to them before leaving?
I don’t want them to remember me that way. I don’t want them to know I wasn’t always the one they thought they knew.
I didn’t want to deceive them. I don’t want them to think I did it on purpose.
They know enough to make sense of my move.
The anxiety and the depression is paralyzing me. Every breath I take I feel it deep down. I twitch, the air wanting to leave my body… forever.
I don’t want to die, but I live with a brain who gaslights me into closing the curtains in front of my truth and survive repressed until I blow the last candle of hope on myself.
I think I waited too much, my last candle has died down, and I watched it, burning my fingers with its wax.
Every performance, every song, every fansign, every comeback… I think about it.
I missed my chance.
I can’t be myself in this lifetime.
My brain hates me, my body hates me.
Both work together to suffocate me.
When it’s not my brain telling me I’m useless and everyone should hate me, it’s my body shivering under the beating of my heart going wild.
I am afraid every day, waking up wondering what torturous thing they have prepared for me to go through that day.
I can’t think of anything else.
Anything else, but… »
« Han-ah? » Minho knocked on the door, before entering as if he was home, « What are you doing? »
Fuck.
Jisung shuffled the papers on his lap, the numerous amount of tries he made to actually write his suicide note.
« Ah…hum… writing some lyrics. » he was now re-assembling everything in a pile, words down so Minho couldn’t take a look at them.
« Oh, that’s great! » aclamed Minho, throwing himself on Jisung’s bed. « Can I see? »
« No! » clapped back Jisung, before Minho could even grab a paper. « No… hum… I mean… not yet… I’ll show you when I’m done, okay? »
« Okay Jisungie, » said Minho tenderly, his eyes looking at Jisung with sadness. « Are you alright? »
He got back up on his arms to approach the younger.
« I’m fine, » dodged Jisung, standing up from the bed, hugging the papers close to his chest. « Can I finish? »
He tried to smile to ease the mood.
Minho is not that dumb, he saw through the lies, Jisung knew it. Though he decided to not point it out.
« Okay, Jisung. » he stood back up and walked toward the door. « Show me when you are done, okay? »
He closed the door on his way out.