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Let’s be clear about one thing. Buck had not meant to overdose.
All he wanted was for the pain to disappear, even for just a little while.
There’s only so much a man can take before he breaks.
First, it was Bobby dying. His father figure, the man who took him under his wing and who never gave up on him. Even when he’d mess up. Even when he’d make mistakes. Even when he’d hit rock bottom. He still hadn’t managed to wrap his head around the fact that he was never going to see him again.His grief felt…insurmountable, to say the least.
Then, it was the ‘getting locked up in a kid’s bedroom and roleplaying with a psychopath’, as Eddie had perfectly put it.
He was exhausted.
He walked Eddie and Chris out and ran back inside. After scrambling through his backpack for the pills, he undid the bottle cap and a few fell right in the palm of his hand. He swallowed them all without a hint of hesitation.
This new tradition of having lunch with Eddie and Chris every week had become Buck’s lifeline, something he could look forward to. On his good days, and his bad ones. The best part about it ? Neither of them had really pitched the idea, it just kind of happened ever since they got back from New-Mexico.
Today was actually a sunny day, but it was a bad day. The three of them had enjoyed their meal as the sun peeked around every corner of his house. That was about 3 hours ago now, though, and since they left it just…wasn’t so sunny anymore.
Inside, anyway.
Come to think of it, Eddie and Chris were his light, they were the only ones who ever really brought peace into his life and calm into his never resting brain. When he was with them, everything went out the window. They were his safe place, his family, his reason.
It was still early in the afternoon, he was finishing up some chores as he felt the very sudden and familiar overwhelming sensation of loneliness and just…pure sadness, taking over his thoughts.
Problem is, Buck had tried to find ways to calm himself down in the past, but everything was too temporary. Reading, going for a run, listening to music.
That was until he and Eddie got back from New-Mexico a couple of weeks ago. The doctors had prescribed him some pills for the pain and he'd discovered that they made him…numb. And it felt great. As much as he refused to admit to himself that it had become an addiction, he now needed the pills like he needed air. But that doesn’t have to mean anything, right ?
As he ran to his backpack and undid the bottle cap, for the second time today, more pills fell into his hand. He didn’t count how many. He didn’t have to. He knew it was too many. He didn’t exactly think of the consequences, not immediately anyway, as he swallowed them. The instant relief of ingesting them was just too good.
It didn’t last for long, though.
It’s seconds later that regret and guilt settled in his bones as he was sitting alone in the dark.
His eyelids were growing heavy. Oh, no. Fuck. What had he done ?
Oh, God. He had to do something.
Buck may be a firefighter, but at that precise moment, all of his thoughts and instincts had vanished. He had no idea what to do. Nausea hit him hard and fast. Panic rose up in his chest. His breathing was becoming shallow, irregular. He glanced at his hands, still holding the practically empty bottle of pills, to find them trembling. That’s not good.
Should he force himself to throw up ? Should he call 9-1-1 ? Should he…Damn it, he was running out of time.
Eddie. He needed Eddie.
The second he tried to stand up, his legs betrayed him and he hit the floor hard on his back, his entire body shaking like a damn leaf.
Everything happened so fast.
He used the tiniest strength he had left to pull out his phone from his pocket and brought his weak and shaky fingers to find Eddie’s name in his contacts.
It was too late.
He couldn’t even bring himself to press the ‘call’ button.
He dropped his phone as his arm gave up, Eddie’s contact page on his screen being the brightest source of light in the room.
He felt tears running out of his eyes and into his ears as he stared at the ceiling one last time.
Is this it ?
He closed his eyes and everything faded to black, including his phone. I’m sorry, was his last thought. Because of course it was.
Eddie obviously knew Buck wasn’t okay. He was actually, well, worried sick.
How could he not be ? After all, he was the one who had found Buck after his kidnapping. He was the one who jumped out of a hospital window, injured, to look for him, not knowing if he was still even alive.
Eddie was the one who held someone at gunpoint to find Buck and who had to keep him awake until the ambulance had arrived.
He just didn’t know he’d have to do it again so soon.
Seeing Buck, his best friend, the co-parent of his son, his person, just lose himself like this, Eddie felt utterly helpless and he couldn’t stand it. He didn’t know what to do anymore. He had told Buck that he was there for him, always, which hadn’t helped.
Additionally, he had encouraged Buck to talk to a professional, which clearly hadn’t helped either, considering Buck didn’t even bother and lied about going, instead.
When Buck had looked him straight in the eye just a couple of hours ago and had told him he ‘felt like himself again’, Eddie wanted to rip his own hair off. What other choice did he have but to tell him he believed him ? Buck clearly wasn’t gonna budge and Chris was sitting too close to be having a real, deep conversation with him, anyway.
When they finished eating, Eddie didn’t exactly want to leave. He wanted to stay with Buck, he wanted to show him he’d always be here if he needed him. That he never had to be alone.
Instead, he reluctantly got in his car with Chris - only after making sure they were still on for next week’s lunch - and drove them home.
It’s only then that Chris had asked Eddie if he could meet up with friends until late.
Eddie had seen it as an opportunity to go back to Buck’s, so he’d allowed Chris to go.
He had to get through to Buck. He refused to just stand by and watch him disappear any longer.
He grabbed his phone, wallet and keys. It was at that moment that he decided to also take Buck’s key just in case he wanted to hide from Eddie again. This time, he’d have no problem doing something about it. He locked his front door, got in his car and drove straight to Buck’s place for the second time today.
The drive felt like an eternity as Eddie was overthinking the things he’d have to say to Buck to be let in. He had a bad feeling he couldn’t shake but he couldn’t figure out why or what it was. Call it dad instinct, he thought.
He wasn’t sure if he should have texted first, considering the last time he showed up unannounced with Chris, he’d had seen him hiding behind the curtains and not open the door. However, he also thought about how Buck would probably have come up with an excuse if he had told him he was coming. Showing up out of the blue but with keys was the best way. No running or hiding this time, Buckley.
He knew the roads enough to know he was about five minutes away.
Eddie parked, got out his car and made his way to Buck’s doorstep. He knocked, rang the doorbell and called for him but there was no sign of Buck. He looked to the window, blinds closed ish, to see if Buck wasn’t hiding from him, again.
He wasn’t.
He also looked behind him to find Buck’s car being here.
Hm. Weird.
He grabbed Buck’s key from his pocket and unlocked the door.
“Buck?” He made his way inside, taking the lack of light in. “Buck, it’s me, where are you ?” He asked, louder.
As he kept walking, he first made his way to the kitchen, having the intention to search every room of the hou-
Oh, my God. Buck.
Buck was lying on the floor, seemingly unconscious and way, way too pale.
“Buck.” He ran to him, falling to his knees next to Buck’s limp body.
“Buck, can you hear me ? Buck !” He tried shaking him gently to wake him up, before giving him a sternum rub, but nothing. What had happened ?
Checking his pulse, Eddie's heart sank.
Buck wasn’t breathing.
“Oh, no. No, no, no, Buck !” Eddie immediately began compressions. How long had Buck stayed without oxygen ? Had it been more than three minutes ? That’s when he noticed Buck’s shattered phone on the side, along with the bottle of pills.
Eddie wanted to throw up.
“Buck, no. What did you do ? Oh, God, what did you do ?” After thirty compressions, Eddie didn’t even think twice when he inhaled, leaned further down, pinched Buck’s nose while exhaling directly into his mouth. And a second time.
“Come on, Buck ! Come back.” Eddie was crying and panicking. Real. Fucking. Bad.
Getting back to compressions, he begged. “Buck, I need you. You have to come back. I can’t do this without you. We need more time.” He knew Buck couldn’t hear him. That didn’t stop him. “Buck, please!” He had to call for help, how could he forget about calling 911?
“Hey, Siri, call 911!” ‘calling 911.’ It’s seconds later that a dispatcher picked up and, thank God it wasn’t Maddie. Eddie didn’t have the strength to tell her he was currently performing CPR on a non-breathing Buck, who had more than likely, overdosed.
He felt sick. He knew something was wrong. How could he have missed this ?
“911, what is your emergency ?”
“34 year old male, overdosed on pills I’m pretty sure, though I- I can’t see what they are, from here. The bottle’s on the floor and I’m performing CPR on him. It’s the second cycle. I’m a paramedic. Off duty. Listen, you need to send help, fast. I can’t lose him.” Needless to say his voice was breaking. After giving the dispatcher Buck’s address, Eddie felt like dying.
“Sir, how long has he stayed without oxygen ?”
“I don’t know. I got here about five minutes ago and he wasn’t breathing” Saying it out loud sounded bad, real bad. He knew it, and he knew the dispatcher knew it.
It was time for the mouth to mouth, again.
“Come on, Buck. You can do it. Please.” Eddie was about to start a third cycle when…Buck took a breath on his own. “Oh God, he’s back, he’s breathing.” After using his fingers to feel Buck’s pulse, Eddie took a huge breath of his own. “He has a pulse. It’s weak but it’s here. Oh, no, no, I think my phone’s about to die and I’m pretty sure his doesn’t work. You have the address, I’m staying right here, I've got him. If the call cuts, it’s okay"
“Great job and noted, you know what you’re doing. Help is on the way. Stay on until the call disconnects, though.”
“Okay, grea–” Eddie didn’t get to finish his sentence before his phone turned off. Damn it. That was fast.
His eyes never left Buck. Buck, who was coughing, trembling and sweating, but who was breathing. “Hey, I’ve got you. I’m here, I’m right here. You’re okay.” He brushed some curls out of Buck’s dripping forehead. “It’s okay, you’re okay. I’m here, Buck. I do need you to open your eyes, though. You can’t go back, you hear me ? Stay with me. Show me those big blues.” Show me those dilated or retracted pupils, as long as you keep your eyes open.
And at that, what other choice did Buck have than to obey? “Eddie.” His voice was so hoarse and weak.
“Hey. Keep your eyes on me, alright ?”
But even just looking at Eddie, at his lifeline, he felt dizzy. He was going to throw up. He gagged and Eddie immediately got the hint as he turned him on his side.
“It’s okay, let it out.”
Eddie was rubbing soothing circles on Buck’s back as the man was emptying his stomach’s content on the floor. Buck was crying. A lot.
“Shhh, you’re okay. You’re okay.” Eddie felt helpless. He was about to get up, but the second he moved, Buck made a sound of protest and used all his strength to let out a broken, “Don’t go.”
Eddie’s chest hurt. “I’m not going anywhere. I was just about to get some tissues for you and, well, the floor, as a temporary fix”
“No. Please. Don’t leave.” And Eddie was not going to protest. Though he did notice Buck’s eyelids growing heavy again.
“Okay, hey, I’m staying. But I need you to keep your eyes open for me. Help is on the way. Just talk to me. How about telling me what happened here, huh ?” Eddie tried, softly.
“Eddie, I don’–”
“Burden me, Buck. Let me in. Please.” Buck closed his eyes only to let a few burning tears out, before opening them again. Eddie did not waste a second brushing them away with his thumb.
“I didn’t want to die. I didn’t mean to overdose, I’m just so tired and sad all the time and it sucks. I just needed a break. I miss Bobby. I miss him so, so, much. Then the kidnapping, I- I had to pretend to be someone else and I just…will I ever be enough ?” More tears escaped. They were brushed off before they even had the time to trace a pattern down his cheeks. His voice was weak and full of hurt and it made Eddie want to wrap him up in his arms and never let go.
Instead, he took a deep breath. “You, Evan Buckley, are enough. Exactly as you are. You are the person I trust most in this world. You are my person. And everything that comes with you, I welcome and cherish. You don’t ever have to be alone. And you know why ? Because I’m right here. And because I care for you. I- I love you. Every single part of you. You are loved, Buck. You just need to lean on others sometimes. Lean on me.”
And Buck, well, Buck was fully sobbing now. “I- I don’t know how to be myself, right now, Eddie.”
Eddie took his hand that wasn’t busy brushing Buck’s tears away, and brought it to Buck’s. He didn’t give him the chance to understand what was happening before intertwining their fingers together. He then brought their connected hands to his lips before taking the time to pepper kisses on every one of Buck’s knuckles. “I’ll help you, we’ll take it one day at a time. Until you find yourself again. I’ll be here every step of the way. On the days you’ll accept my help and on the days where you’ll push me away. I’m not going anywhere.”
A beat. And then,
“Thank you.” Buck whispered.
“You don’t ever have to thank me for helping you. You’d do the same for me, or for anyone, in a heartbeat. You’ve done it for me more times than I could ever count, Buck. You showed up for me when I felt like it was me against the world. You’ve picked up the pieces and sewed them back together, for the both of us. You were here, breathing, for the both of us. It’s my turn now.”
“For the record, I love you, too. Like, embarrassingly so. And I’ll be your person. Forever. Because you’re mine.”
“Deal.” Eddie whispered.
And that’s how the paramedics arrived and found Eddie leaned down, pressing soft, open-mouthed kisses all over Buck’s face, lingering on his birthmark, while still holding Buck's hand for dear life.