Archive of Our Own

Leon thinks he might be dying.

His body is overwhelmed, twitching and moving without his conscious decision, caught between pleasure and pain, completely vulnerable. The only thing tethering him to the present is Chris' voice, breaking through the haze clouding his mind every so often, giving orders and praise Leon soaks up like a sponge, eager to please.

He's entirely unsure how long they've been at this, it could be hours or days. The only thing that matters is Chris touching him, his hands never leaving his body, as he takes him apart. Leon submits to it all, his primal survival instincts muted as he allows Chris free use of himself.

And Chris does use him. He fucked Leon's mouth earlier, with a strong grip in his hair guiding his movements, taking complete control. It always helps Leon to get into the right headspace, kneeling with his hands behind his back while choking himself on Chris' considerable size. And Chris knows that too well.

After that, Chris took his sweet time playing with his ass, opening him up with his tongue and fingers, until Leon was begging for his cock. For a long time he was denied and instead brought close to climaxing twice by those thick fingers massaging his prostate, only their single rule for tonight keeping him from going over the edge.

You are only allowed to come with my permission.

The words echo in his head while Chris finally takes mercy on him and pushes his cock into his loosened hole. Even with all the foreplay, Leon feels the burning stretch of the initial slow thrust. He throws his head back and lets out a deep moan, while pressing down, needing more of it. Chris holds him tightly around the hips though, controlling every movement, keeping him from hurting himself accidentally.

Biting kisses are placed on his neck and shoulders while he's allowed to get used to the stretch and weight of Chris' cock inside him, the thought of being marked only fueling his desire for Chris to own him. He vaguely remembers begging again and he must've said something right at some point as Chris finally listens and proceeds to fuck him within an inch of his life.

His own cock is neglected the whole time; Chris only giving it a teasing stroke here and there to torture him further. He's alternating between fast and hard fucking that leaves Leon gripping the sheets and feeling like he'll probably never walk again, and slow measured thrusts, grinding deeply into him with a precision that's bordering on painful by now. Leon only digs his heels into Chris' back, mindlessly urging him on, wanting to feel him for days.

"Fuck, Leon. Sweetheart, you feel so good, taking me so well, like you're fucking made for me," Chris eventually grunts and with a guttural groan he buries himself deep one more time before he climaxes, the pulsing of his cock and the heat of his release driving Leon nearly insane.

Chris slumps over him for a moment, panting against his neck and whispering praise into his ear, while Leon's cock throbs painfully, trapped between their bodies. He's barely aware of the way he keeps humping Chris with small aborted movements, a desperate whine rising from his mouth, only Chris' command keeping him from spilling himself between them.

It's both a blessing and a curse when Chris lifts himself up, exposing Leon's pulsing cock back to the empty air, unable to chase his pleasure. Through half-lidded eyes, Leon sees the way Chris' mouth moves, obviously still talking, but the words don't really register in his fuzzy mind.

What does register is the sound of Chris pulling out of him - slick and squelching, as come starts to leak from his hole - only to be stuffed right back in by Chris' fingers, three of them spearing his abused rim open again. It's obscene and then those fingers rub over his overstimulated prostate and Leon's last bit of self-control snaps under the pressure.

He comes without his cock being touched at all, the sudden release almost painful, as endless waves of pleasure consume him whole. It seems to go on forever, as he makes a mess of himself, aftershocks leaving him shaking and vulnerable in the security of their shared bed.

"That was beautiful," Chris whispers, reverently.

He's stroking Leon's trembling thighs, the gentle touch almost too much for his overstimulated body. Leon whines again brokenly, still seeking it out, pressing into it, instinctively wanting more of Chris' hands on him. A slow lick across his stomach follows, lapping up the come glistening on Leon's skin, and Leon gives a full-body twitch at the sensation.

"Fuck, I love the way you taste, sweetheart," Chris continues, sounding breathless himself.

Leon is still floating, his mind hazy, caught in the heavy pleasure thrumming in his veins and the air between them. Everything seems suspended in time for an endless moment while they look at each other, until Chris' mouth twitches into a mischievous grin.

His left hand stills on Leon's thigh and pinches the skin there sharply, the sudden spike of sensation leaving Leon gasping. It doesn't hurt as much as it surprises him, the sting lessening immediately, but it breaks him out of the floating headspace. Vaguely, he realizes that it's probably worked just as intended by Chris, to bring him back from falling deeper into subspace.

The question of why he's forced to come back is on the tip of his tongue. He's feeling a little petulant, because Chris knows how much Leon enjoys floating, being able to let go of everything that usually burdens his mind, making it all quiet and safe. He gets his answer before he can articulate the question though.

"But I didn't give you permission to come, pet."

A chill runs down Leon's sweaty back, the mindless pleasure ebbing away while the reality of his failure settles in. Chris is right. He'd asked Leon to hold on one more time, to be a good boy and let Chris play with him just a little while longer. Leon remembers how the words rushed over him, not really registering anymore as the pleasure and the repeated denial made it impossible to absorb them all. Instead his mind had apparently focused only on being called a good boy, interpreting it as permission.

"I- I'm sorry," Leon rushes to say, his dry throat constricting painfully.

Chris' hand continues its previous soothing motion and he makes a shushing noise. "I know, sweetheart. You just couldn't help yourself, could you?"

There's an obvious teasing glint in Chris' warm brown eyes, but Leon doesn't see it. All he can hear between the lines is that Chris is disappointed in him. And why shouldn't he be? Leon was weak. Not able to do the one thing Chris asked of him. Even while that thought starts taking root in his brain, poisoning every word of praise Chris bestowed upon him prior to his transgression, Leon fights to stay alert. He knows what will follow and he needs to be prepared.

Chris is watching him carefully, one hand reaching up to trace his cheekbone, obviously wanting to check if he's got Leon's attention. Leon tries not to flinch, panic starting to claw at his insides. Deep down he realizes that Chris would never strike him just like that, without warning or permission. But the countless times he's been beaten with no regard to his health or safety, make it hard to cling to that conviction.

"Are you with me?" Chris asks patiently, his fingers travelling up to Leon's hair, pushing it back from his face with a kind smile.

Kindness which Leon doesn't deserve. He nods quickly and croaks, "Yes, Sir."

Chris frowns and in the next second he's urging Leon upright. While Chris reaches towards the nightstand, Leon struggles with the sudden vertigo he experiences, wanting nothing more than to sink back into the soft sheets and have Chris cover him again, shielding him from everything outside their little cocoon.

Unsurprisingly, his silent wish is not granted. Chris has moved to the edge of the bed and is uncapping a water bottle right now and Leon shivers from the lack of warmth and comfort. The bottle appears before him then and he blinks at it, uncomprehending. Chris shifts again, gently tilts Leon's head and places the bottle at his lips.

Oh. Right. He's supposed to drink. Fuck, he's still too out of it to even understand a simple non-verbal order. Forcing Chris to take care of him like an incompetent idiot, instead of moving along as swiftly as possible. Hastily, he opens his mouth and takes a big gulp of the water, which ends up being a mistake as well. It rushes down his throat too quickly, making him choke and cough.

Chris pulls the bottle away immediately. "Take it slow, baby," he advises, wiping Leon's chin with his thumb.

Embarrassment burns through Leon and he takes a deep breath to calm himself. "Sorry," he repeats and lifts a slightly shaking hand to reach for the bottle. "Can I take it?"

It will be easier to do it himself. Not because he doesn't usually enjoy Chris taking care of him, but right now it only seems to amplify the voices in his head telling him he doesn't deserve that kind of loving treatment. Maybe, if he manages to get it together and face the consequences of his failure, he'll earn it back.

Dutifully, he drinks half of the water before handing it back. Chris smiles at him and then proceeds to drink the rest of it. Leon finds himself mesmerized by the vulnerable line of Chris' throat as he tips his head back to empty the bottle, the sight somehow letting the floaty feeling from before return ever so slightly.

He hears Chris putting the bottle down after a while and feels a big palm settle just above his knee, squeezing the muscles there. Leon blinks again, nervous energy flooding back into his limbs at once. There's no reason to delay the inevitable anymore.

"I'm ready, Sir," Leon says and he's glad for the way his voice sounds steady and sure, despite how fuzzy his mind still feels.

"Ready for what, pet?" Chris asks with a barely hidden grin.

This time Leon does recognize the playful vibe, but it doesn't ease his nerves. Part of him wonders if he could get away with making a joke, taking part in their usual banter. But he doesn't want to risk finding out if today is the day Chris' patience with his bratty behavior will end.

Bracing himself, Leon utters those detested words. "My punishment, Sir."

Without waiting for an order, Leon starts crawling towards Chris, ready to drape himself over his lap, ass up. It won't be the first time Chris spanks him, but it's only been a handful of times before and it never seemed quite this dire. Somehow it usually even felt good, letting Chris hold him while he hit him, the pain and pleasure mixing in a confusing but also thrilling way.

Chris stops him with a strong grip on his shoulder. "I'm thinking, maybe my hand isn't quite enough this time," he muses.

Leon freezes, ice cold dread sinking into the pit of his stomach as he watches Chris stand up and reach for his discarded pants on the ground, quickly pulling the heavy belt from its loops. It makes a horrible, familiar sound that makes Leon's breath catch in his throat.

For a tiny shameful moment, Leon wants nothing more than to fling himself at Chris' feet, begging him not to hit him with it. He'll do anything, if only to never feel that particular pain again. Almost feverishly, he thinks about using his safeword. But when he catches Chris' expectant look, the word refuses to come. It's not on him to decide the means of his punishment and he doesn't need to imagine how much worse it could get if he manages to truly anger the person wielding that belt.

"Is this alright?" Chris asks, against all odds.

"Yes, Sir." Leon isn't sure how he does it, but his voice remains steady. It's probably all the years of experience helping him to shut down when faced with the threat of violence outside of his job, he thinks bitterly.

He loses some time after his agreement, instinctively following orders being issued on how to position himself - standing in front of their bed, feet apart, bent over to present his ass, bracing himself with his hands on the mattress - and trying not to think or feel anything. Detached, he hears Chris tell him that he'll be hit ten times, that he doesn't have to count and is allowed to make as much noise as he wants.

Leon only grits his teeth, determined not to make a sound and make himself an even easier target. He clearly remembers the taunts that followed whenever he broke in the past and he doesn't think he'll be able to handle that kind of humiliation coming from Chris. No, he'll take it like a man and then they can be done with this and hopefully next time Leon won't fuck up as badly to warrant this kind of punishment in the first place.

The first strike startles him badly, the sounds of the belt swishing and cracking down on vulnerable flesh hitting him harder than the actual pain. He can almost hear his father drunkenly yelling at him how much of a disappointment he was.

The second strike falls harder, as if Chris is getting more confident, and this one hurts, a lane of fiery pain forming across his left cheek. Leon's fingers grasp at the sheets in an attempt to anchor himself, knowing that it's only going to get worse from here. His right cheek gets the same treatment just a few seconds later and although he refuses to make a sound, he can feel his eyes burning.

When the belt snaps across both cheeks next, Leon sucks in a sharp breath, while he tries to remind himself that it's Chris behind him. He's not sure if it makes everything better or worse, but at least it helps against the onslaught of bad memories resurfacing.

Leon trembles, even while trying to keep as still as possible. He knows it shouldn't affect him so much, but Chris has never hurt him in ways he hasn't enjoyed before. A rough grip around his wrists or hips, leaving bruises he later found himself touching with pride at the possessive imprint on his skin, a hard tug at his hair, pulling his head back to get his attention, and even the sharp sting of Chris' hand coming down on his ass, turning the skin warm and sensitive while Leon lays across his lap and can feel Chris' desire for him. It never went beyond it and there was always contact between them, a sense of reassurance and connection Leon now misses more than anything.

But he knows he misbehaved. He was bad and weak and he deserves the punishment. If it means that Chris will forgive him and not be disappointed in him any longer, then he'll gladly take whatever Chris deems appropriate. At least, that's what he's trying to convince himself of as he desperately tries to stay in position while he hears the belt whip through the air again.

A second later it connects with his flesh with a loud crack and Leon flinches, both from the sound and the pain that slices through him. He chokes on a groan, saliva dripping from his open mouth, his control finally slipping. Embarrassment and anxiety are coursing through him, because he's not sure how much more he can take without dissolving into a sobbing, pathetic mess.

"That was five, you're doing great," comes Chris' voice, his tone deep and comforting.

But it doesn't help. Five. Which means he has to take five more. Has it really not been more already? His ass feels raw, just like the rest of him.

"Are you-" Leon violently snaps his mouth shut before he can finish that sentence. What the hell is wrong with him trying to question his superior?

"What was that? Speak up, pet," Chris immediately orders, not unkindly.

Leon's anxiety spikes however and he bites his tongue, tasting blood soon enough. The prospect of Chris adding more to his punishment for his insolence is quickly overtaking any rational thought and he bows his head further in a clear sign of obedience. "Nothing, Sir. I-I'm sorry, Sir."

There's a pause, the silence stretching between them and causing Leon's heart to start pounding in his ears. He doesn't hear the slow footsteps of Chris shuffling closer and thus he jerks in surprise when he feels a hand come down on his lower back, the touch soft yet deliberate.

"Leon? Hey, are you alright?" Chris asks, sounding concerned.

Fuck. Fuck. Leon is fucking this up. It's not unusual for him of course, but he'd hoped that this time he would get it right. How many times has he been told to shut his stupid sassy mouth and take whatever the person he's with decides? How many more times will he need to end up alone, feeling hollowed out by how much of a disappointment he always ends up being? He racks his brain for a solution, anything to ease the sudden tension around them.

Ultimately, he decides to answer Chris' prior question, trying to keep the turmoil out of his voice. "Are you sure it's enough, Sir?"

It's not quite what he's been trying to ask before, but if he offers himself up for more punishment on his own, maybe Chris will show mercy and not hit him any harder. A quiet voice inside him pipes up at the thought, trying to remind him that Chris has never been anything but merciful to him before, not here, not in their bed - but Leon shuts it down firmly. It's not the first time either that he's experienced a usually gentle hand turning violent.

Chris hums, a playful finger trailing down the curve of his ass where red welts must be showing by now. Leon shivers, feeling the ghost of unwanted hands crawl over his body, poking and prodding at every place that already hurts. His muscles lock up to keep himself from squirming under the touch, anticipating more pain. "Do you think you deserve more, pet?" Chris muses.

Under normal circumstances Leon would recognize the teasing undertone, he'd notice the way Chris keeps his touch feather-light to rile him up, to get a positive reaction out of him. But Leon's mind is filled with nothing but primal fear at this point. He doesn't want to lose Chris. If he can fix this, he needs to do whatever it takes.

Leon swallows heavily, the metallic taste of his own blood nearly making him choke again. "If you think so, Sir."

A few seconds pass again, in which Chris trails one of the welts with his finger. Thankfully, it doesn't really hurt all that much and Leon manages to remain still, waiting for what his master decides.

"I think we'll stick with ten," Chris finally says.

Relief floods Leon and he relaxes for a short blessed moment, happy that he's succeeded in pleasing Chris enough and not earning more punishment. Sub-consciously, he wants to lean into the gentle touch to his wounded backside but it's gone within the next moment, as Chris steps back again to his position at Leon's side, from where he can administer the last five hits.

No amount of bracing himself can make the following snap of the belt more bearable and Leon groans as it comes cracking down on him again. He doesn't think Chris hit him harder than before their short break, but he can't be sure because the sudden fire burning across his skin and the deep ache in his flesh makes it feel like Chris might've decided that he needs to make a bigger impression on him.

The next strike follows shortly after, criss-crossing the previous one, and Leon breaks.

A scream rips itself from his mouth and tears start spilling down his cheeks, while he sags down against the mattress, just barely catching himself from face-planting into it. He's leaning on his elbows now, aware of how he's breaking the rules again, sure that Chris will change his mind now and decide that he clearly needs more correction. Frantically, he tries to raise himself up again into the right position, but his arms are shaking badly and he starts sobbing through his struggles.

"Leon! Shit, are you okay?"

The words barely register, Leon's focus shredded by the pain and anxiety. "Please, I can't- I'm sorry, Sir. Please. No more, please..."

Chris is back with his big gentle hand in a heartbeat, trying to soothe him. "Hey, hey, calm down, breathe. It's okay. You're okay," he says with no obvious anger or impatience.

But Chris must be angry. Leon knows how this goes. He cowers away from the touch, hating himself for it. "Sorry, I'm sorry," he repeats over and over again.

"Do you need your safeword, love?" Chris asks, even while he's already reaching forward to lay the belt down on the bed, ready to end the punishment, his concern evident.

When it comes into Leon's view however, his body once again locks up, terrified. It must be a trap. No one has ever stopped hurting him before just because he was too weak to take it. Not his father, not Krauser, not the few people he's hooked up with over the years who made no effort whatsoever to even ask for his boundaries. Chris offering him the opportunity to use his safeword is another proof of it. This isn't part of their scene. This is punishment. It's not Leon's decision to end it. It can't be.

"Not- not allowed," he whimpers, confused by Chris' unusual cruelty.

"Not allowed?" Chris repeats, something horrible happening to his voice, making it sound broken like he's the one getting torn apart right now.

Worried, Leon manages to push himself back up on his hands, tentatively looking back over his shoulder so that he can see Chris. He's not sure what he expected to find. Fury, certainly. Maybe a hint of concern because of Leon's unusual lack of self-control. But he isn't prepared for the absolute devastation etched into every familiar line of that beloved face. He wants to ask Chris what's wrong, but before he can open his mouth to do so, Chris cuts in with a single word.

"Umbrella."

Chris stumbles back a few steps as soon as he utters it, the excited pink on his face rapidly fading, and he raises his hands as if to show that he's unharmed.

"Wait," Leon gasps, unsure of what's happening but not liking the distance Chris is trying to put between them.

Immediately, Chris stops moving. He's looking at Leon with wide eyes, a certain horror visible in them which Leon has only ever seen there whenever tragedy strikes their lives.

"Don't- please don't leave," Leon asks, his whole body shaking. He doesn't understand why Chris used their safeword and what it means for his punishment, but he knows that if Chris ends up leaving him right now, he will fall apart and he's not sure if he'll ever be able to pick up the pieces. He'd rather take fifty more lashes with the belt than have Chris leave him.

Chris makes a wounded noise and comes closer again. "What can I do? What do you need?" he asks, desperately.

"Touch me?" Leon answers reflexively, yearning for the comfort Chris' hands usually bring him. He's not sure if he deserves it, though, and quickly he adds, "You can hit me again, I'm ready now. I swear."

The hand that started to lift towards him halts at his last words and Chris shakes his head, as if to clear it from something terrible clinging to his mind.

"No!" he spits vehemently, making Leon flinch slightly. "I won't hit you again. It's over, alright?"

Leon doesn't exactly remember what happens next. He only hears Chris' words, the sound of them echoing torturously in his mind and heart, shattering the last bit of control and dignity he has left. It's over, it's over, it's over.

When he becomes more aware of himself and his surroundings again, he finds that he's apparently crumpled to the ground. The fluffy carpet beneath him makes it bearable to sit on his ass despite the smarting welts there, or maybe he's just too numb to feel the pain right now.

"Leon? Leon, please. Talk to me, sweetheart. Can I- can I touch you?"

Chris.

He's still here. Kneeling beside him on the carpet, his hands hovering in the small space between them. Leon simply nods, too exhausted to question Chris' continued presence.

This time, Chris doesn't hesitate. His hands come to rest on Leon's shoulders to tug him gently into his arms. Tears quickly well up in Leon's eyes again at the familiar comfort of being able to press his face against Chris' big hairy chest, to smell his soothing scent and the musk of his sweat. It's even better when Chris' arms close around his frame, holding him tightly, the sense of security of his embrace thawing the ice cold dread in Leon's heart.

They remain like that for a long while, with Chris holding him and making comforting noises while Leon clings to him and cries silently. It makes him feel both vulnerable and protected, laid bare in every sense of the word.

When he finally calms down far enough for rational thought to return to him, he dares to ask, "You're not leaving, are you?"

He feels Chris shake his head above him. His voice sounds suspiciously hoarse, as if he's been crying as well, when he answers. "I'm not leaving you, Leon. I only meant that your- your punishment is over."

The way Chris stumbles over the word punishment finally makes Leon look up at him. Cautiously, he smiles. "Thank you."

Chris' expression is still devastated, tear tracks clear on his face, and he huffs a humorless laugh that sounds all wrong. "Fucking hell. Don't thank me. I hurt you."

Still confused, Leon frowns at him. "I deserved it. I broke the rules. And we agreed beforehand that you would punish me if I did. Even... even with the belt."

A shudder runs through him at the remembered sounds and sensations of the belt hitting his flesh, memories from decades ago mixing with new ones. But Chris has done nothing wrong. Has he? Doubt starts creeping in, as he tries to understand why Chris seems so upset with himself, rather than with Leon.

Chris looks at him with a mixture of guilt and sadness. "Yes, we agreed on a punishment should you break any rules. And we talked about trying the belt," he corrects, referring to their discussion of Leon's previous experiences of punishments and how they would integrate anything Leon preferred into their own scenes. Back then, Leon had brazenly recounted some of the tools his previous hook-ups used on him, including a belt, and told Chris that he could use any of it on him.

"I told you that you could use it," he whispers, not wanting to argue but hoping to ease Chris' unnecessary guilt.

"And I know that I told you that we could try it, if you want it. But I should've talked to you about it again before our scene tonight," Chris says firmly. "Instead I asked you if you're alright with the belt after you broke the rules, while you were still in subspace. That's on me. I should've remembered how unsure you looked when you first mentioned it."

"I did?" Leon asks, surprised.

"Hmm, yes. I didn't want to pry back then, since I planned to always be careful with you... but I messed up. I'm so sorry I didn't take better care of you," Chris apologizes sincerely, his expression wrecked with guilt.

Leon swallows back the immediate urge to protest and to tell Chris that he doesn't need to apologize to him. Instead he takes a minute to truly think about what went wrong tonight and then further back to his blanket permission the first time they talked about this. It was a mixture of his self-destructive tendencies, the fear of exposing his weaknesses, and the wish to keep Chris interested despite his many hang-ups that led him to obscure his dislike of certain things.

And after years of having his boundaries disrespected, being controlled and forced to obey, he'd truly started to believe that it's his only valid choice. Even if it never felt like a choice at all. It was different with Chris from the start, but that didn't mean Leon felt comfortable sharing his vulnerabilities freely, always fearing they would be exploited in some way. But now he realizes that with his decision to keep certain things from his past hidden, he ended up hurting the one person who never meant him harm.

"I think we both fucked up," Leon decides, trying to be honest. With Chris, but most importantly with himself.

"Maybe you're right," Chris agrees, still looking troubled.

"You know, that does happen quite a lot. You just never want to admit it," Leon quips, startling a real laugh out of Chris that makes his eyes crinkle with genuine joy.

"Smartass," Chris shoots back, fondly.

"Well, my ass is smarting," Leon continues to joke - belatedly realizing that it's probably too soon for that.

Suddenly, Chris is in motion, easily picking him up from the floor and carefully laying him down on their bed; the soft, cool sheets a welcoming change. The casual display of strength will probably never fail to affect Leon. Even after what just happened, he doesn't think he's ever felt more safe with anyone else in his entire life.

"I'll be right back," Chris promises, before slipping towards the adjoining bathroom.

Leon hears the water turn on, closes his eyes and concentrates on breathing deeply to chase away the last remnants of his earlier panic. He succeeds mostly and by the time Chris returns, he feels more ready to face the conversation they're surely about to have. There is no way Chris will leave it at that with so much uncertainty over what exactly went wrong tonight. That Redfield stubbornness is truly something else.

His attention turns towards the wet washcloth coming down to wipe the sticky remains of his release from his stomach and his soft dick. Chris looks deeply focused on his task, as if it's the most important thing he's ever done in his life to make Leon more comfortable. It sparks a warmth inside him that makes him melt into the sheets with a content sigh.

About a minute later, the washcloth is taken away, and Chris looks up at him with a weirdly uncertain expression on his face. "Would you turn over for me?" he asks, voice uncharacteristically timid, as if he fears that Leon won't ever turn his vulnerable back towards him again.

That hesitancy is all wrong and it makes Leon obey faster than any order ever could. He gives Chris an appreciative smile, turns on his stomach and pulls a nearby pillow into his arms to rest his head on it. There's a slow, controlled exhale coming from behind him and Leon winces, imagining how his backside must look right now. Still, he wriggles encouragingly and gives the permission that's clearly being asked silently.

"You can touch me, it's okay."

Chris doesn't hesitate after that and moves to clean him up with practiced proficiency. Gentle fingers hold him open, careful not to aggravate any of the welts, while his other hand is busy wiping any excess lube and come from his sore hole. When he's done, his touch wanders to Leon's sides and up to his back, massaging his muscles with strong hands. Leon feels the tension melting out of him and he makes a content little noise of pleasure.

Sadly, the massage ends far too soon. Leon immediately wants those capable hands back and he's not above begging this time. "Don't stop, please," he whines, uncaring if it's undignified.

He's rewarded by Chris' low chuckle, the sound like a balm on Leon's soul, and a few more strokes of those beloved hands. "I'll happily continue later, sweetheart. But-" Chris trails off for a moment, one hand leaving Leon's skin, before he continues. "I have a salve here for your-" Once again, his voice breaks.

Leon curses himself for letting it come to this. He raises himself up to his elbows to look at Chris over his shoulder, taking in that glassy, guilty look in those warm brown eyes. It should be impossible with Chris' bulky figure, but in that moment he somehow looks small. Hunched in on himself, his head lowered, one hand gripping a tube of salve like it's a lifeline. It hurts Leon to see him like this and he's determined to never let it get this far again.

"Good thinking," Leon says, deliberately trying to keep his tone light, needing to erase that heavy feeling of guilt hanging between them. "You always take such good care of me, Chris."

He lowers himself back down into the pillow without waiting for a response, hoping that his easy acceptance will indicate his absolute trust. It still takes a few seconds until he hears the cap of the tube being opened and he braces himself for the impending yet necessary discomfort. When Chris starts spreading the slightly cool salve over his cheeks, Leon winces again, but quickly relaxes once his mind recognizes that this touch isn't meant to hurt him. The welts ache, but he knows from experience that it will fade soon enough; especially since Chris clearly didn't use too much of his strength to deliver them in the first place. It feels obvious now in hindsight just how much Chris has been holding back and Leon has to admit that his breakdown came more from the resurfaced trauma than from actual pain.

"All done," Chris whispers once he's finished and once again he's shuffling off the bed to the nearby dresser.

He comes back with a pair of Leon's boxers and one of his own shirts - a well-worn band shirt from the only concert they've managed to go together. It stretches obscenely over Chris' broad frame whenever he wears it and Leon likes to rescue it from ripping apart and wear it himself on a regular basis.

A happy smile stretches his lips while Chris gets him dressed, mindfully manipulating Leon's limbs as needed. When Chris remains kneeling on the bed afterwards, looking a little unsure again, Leon wastes no time to tug him down onto the mattress. Chris smiles at him gratefully and sinks down next to him on his back, holding one arm open in invitation, and Leon quickly drapes himself over his chest, snuggling into his warmth.

They lapse into a long silence, their remaining tension slowly easing as they keep caressing every part of each other's skin they can reach. It's Chris who breaks the silence eventually and he presses a soft kiss to Leon's forehead before he speaks.

"Can I ask you something?"

Leon ignores the instant flare of unease, painfully aware of how necessary it is for them to talk. He hums in encouragement, but keeps his face buried against Chris' pecs.

Chris swallows once, the sound of it loud in the otherwise quiet room. "What did you mean, when you said it's 'not allowed' when I asked if you needed to use your safeword?"

Seems like Chris is going straight for the vital parts. Thankfully, he remains patient while Leon tries to gather his thoughts, trying to make sense of how his past experiences align with what he's learned from his relationship with Chris. It's more than unpleasant to admit to himself that maybe he could've expected more consideration, more safety, from his previous bed partners.

"Just like I said," he mutters, defeated. "I never even had a safeword the first time I did this with someone. A few years later, I met this guy at a bar. He asked me for a safeword. And then he ignored it once I didn't let him cut me with a knife when I misbehaved."

"Jesus Christ," Chris curses, his anger tangible.

Leon looks up and offers him a wry smile. "Don't worry, I flipped him off the bed when he crossed into dangerous territory."

"But he did cut you?" Chris asks with a frown, as if he's trying to remember every scar on Leon's body.

"He did," Leon admits quietly. "After that, I didn't really bother with safewords. I let people hurt me if they wanted and defended myself when it was really necessary."

The arms around him tighten protectively. "I don't even know what to say," Chris whispers sadly. "Just- Leon, you realize that's not how it's supposed to be, right? You should be able to trust the person you're offering your submission to."

"I'm starting to understand that," Leon agrees, his eyes stinging with tears again. "And just for the record; you make me feel safe. The few times I was... scared, those weren't your fault. I should've spoken up."

Somehow those words seem to have the opposite effect of the reassurance Leon was going for. He can feel Chris' body tensing beneath him and see his breath stutter in his chest.

"Did I- was there a moment like this before? When I did something that you didn't want but you felt like you couldn't say no to?"

The question leaves Chris' mouth in a desperate rush and Leon is quick to answer.

"No! I swear, Chris. Tonight was the first time I actually needed you to stop. And you did. Though I didn't even ask you to."

"Are you sure? I didn't cross any lines before?" Chris can't help but double-check.

Leon lays a calming hand over his heart, feeling its strong steady beat under his palm. "I promise, you've never crossed any lines before."

He holds Chris' inquisitive gaze unwaveringly, until he receives a small accepting nod.

"Alright. I believe you," Chris says resolutely.

The significance of those words doesn't escape Leon's notice. Because as much as this conversation is about Leon's trust issues, he understands that Chris needs to know that he can trust Leon as well. To keep both of them safe.

Chris seems to be deep in thought, something obviously still troubling him. Leon busies himself playing with Chris' chest hair while he patiently waits for whatever question will surely come his way soon.

"What about punishments?" Chris finally asks, concern ringing in every syllable. "Is there any part of them you like? Because I refuse to hurt you again if it's not something you want."

"I don't enjoy punishments. But that's the point, isn't it?" Leon snorts unhappily.

"It depends. There's a difference between not experiencing physical pleasure yet gaining a form of emotional release to letting someone abuse you," Chris says calmly, his eyes worriedly sweeping over Leon's face.

"You're not abusing me," Leon protests immediately. "I've lived through that enough. Believe me, I know the difference."

Chris looks about ready to cry again at his statement. "I hate that people hurt you like that," he whispers, his breath harsh, teetering between anger and sadness. "I hate that I wasn't there to protect you, when they took advantage of you. And I'm so fucking afraid of hurting you, too."

That quiet admission rips Leon's heart apart. He's unable to stop himself from reaching out to cradle Chris' face in his hands and placing a kiss to the corner of his mouth, feeling the welcome scratch of stubble against his lips. A moment later, Chris turns slightly and presses his own lips to his, their mouths moving together in small, unhurried kisses.

At some point they end up with their foreheads pressed together, not even kissing, just breathing in the same air and letting the intimacy of it calm them. Chris' arms are still around him, as if the mere thought of letting him go is inconceivable. Rationally, Leon knows his earlier anxiety and fear had nothing truly to do with Chris, but in this moment he feels deeply ashamed he ever thought Chris capable of wanting to cause him any real pain.

"I know you'd never hurt me," Leon says and quickly presses another kiss to Chris' lips when he feels the other man take a breath to protest. "Not deliberately. We've established that we both fucked up tonight. Despite your many extraordinary talents, you're not a mind reader, Chris. I wasn't completely honest with you and it ended up hurting us both. I'm so sorry for that."

Leon can see the way Chris still struggles to accept that tonight wasn't solely his own fault; always ready to shoulder any responsibility, no matter how heavy it weighs on him. But ultimately, Chris gives a small nod, acknowledging the truth in his words. "Thank you."

"Gotta make sure you get that into your thick skull, boss," Leon teases, a real smile breaking out on his face. Huh. Seems like communicating openly does ease some of the burdens he carries, considering the way he feels lighter somehow than he has in ages.

"Message received, rookie," Chris says while smiling back at him. A small crease forms between his eyebrows though, his expression growing more serious again in a heartbeat. "I mean it, though. About the punishments. If it's not something you take any kind of pleasure or satisfaction from, if it only serves to hurt you, I don't want it to be part of what we do."

The sincerity in those words is undeniable at this point, even to Leon's jaded ears and heart. "Alright. No more punishments," he agrees, feeling a bit lightheaded.

Relief and gratitude rush through him, mixed with an unexpected sense of loss he's reluctant to acknowledge. He should be happy that he'll never have to endure such pain again, caused by someone who's supposed to care about him. But he can't help thinking how he doesn't want to lose the other parts of their relationship.

Of course Chris picks up on his unease immediately. "What are you thinking?"

"I just- I think, I'll miss the other stuff, you know. I like it when you take control. I feel like I can let go of everything and trust that you've got me. I know it's probably fucked up, but I enjoy pleasing you," Leon admits and risks glancing up at Chris, unsure if he'll be disgusted.

To his surprise, Chris gives him a knowing smile while caressing the side of his neck. It sends a spark of heat through Leon, even before Chris murmurs, "I did get that impression, baby. But it's nice to hear verbal confirmation."

"As if you making me scream your name isn't confirmation enough," Leon teases.

Chris' eyes darken with obvious desire at the reminder and he pulls Leon tighter against him. "Yeah? How about the times when you can't even form a single word anymore with that sinful mouth of yours while I take you apart?"

Leon's fingers curl into Chris' chest at that, his short fingernails leaving small indents. "Very much into that," he confirms eagerly.

"Well, then I'll happily be of service, sweetheart," Chris says with a joyous grin.

"So, we don't have to stop doing scenes? You'll still let me submit to you?" Leon asks, wanting to be sure he understands correctly.

Chris nods. "I think it would be good if we talked more about our limits again before we do our next scene, but I don't see why not. If you promise to be honest about what you want."

"I promise," Leon immediately says. "I love you."

The words are out of his mouth before he can even think about them. He's only said them to Chris once before, after a grueling mission that almost went wrong and left Chris half-dead. It was a confession born out of desperation back then - not any less true for it of course, but they never actually acknowledged it afterwards. He's always thought that Chris must've picked up on his anxiety and didn't want to pressure him into anything. But from the look of utter surprise and affection on Chris' face right now, Leon wonders if all this time Chris has doubted the truthfulness of his first confession.

"I mean it," he says therefore, not wanting to leave any room for doubt. "I love you, Chris."

He's being kissed within a second, one of Chris' hands buried in his hair at the back of his neck and the powerful arm around him keeping him close. It's one of the most intense kisses of his life, the way Chris clings to him and how every stroke of his tongue feels deliberate, exploring every inch of his mouth like they haven't kissed a million times before. Leon feels a little dazed by the time Chris pulls back, once again not going far, letting them breathe the same air.

"I love you, too. So fucking much, baby."

Chris' deep voice is cracking again slightly, clearly overcome with emotion. It sends a pleasant tingle down Leon's spine, even while he allows himself to bask in the happiness and warmth those words cause inside of him. He can count on one hand the number of times he remembers those words being said to him and a big part of him used to believe that none of them were entirely honest. However, there is no room for that kind of doubt with Chris. A year ago it would've scared him shitless to think about trusting anyone in such a profound way. But as he absorbs Chris' confession, there is no unease or fear that accompanies it. Only a wonderful and unexpected sense of belonging Leon never thought he could have.

He presses another kiss to Chris' lips and then settles his head back onto his chest with a happy little sigh. It feels like an incredible weight has been lifted from him, but the emotional toll it took to get here is finally catching up with him, exhaustion crawling into every limb. He's practically boneless now, rubbing his head against Chris' hairy chest to find the perfect spot, and letting his eyes drop shut when he's found it.

Chris lets out a small affectionate laugh, but dutifully scritches Leon's head. "Are you comfortable?"

Leon hums and manages to mumble, "Yes, sleep now."

The last thing he feels is Chris pulling the blanket up higher around them and a kiss being pressed to the top of his head, before he passes out, safely enclosed in the arms of the man he loves.