Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Shane Hollander was a strong man. Throughout his childhood, he was constantly portrayed as a role model to others. By his coaches, teachers, his parents and even his peers' parents.  It’s not that he minded it, not at all. To be honest, Shane loved that people saw him as this idol, of sorts. However being a so called ‘role model’ comes with a lot of pressure. Pressure to constantly be doing things to perfection. Pressure to never be caught in a compromising situation. Pressure to always-always- be the best. That was the part he hated the most. 

Shane’s parents, Yuna and David Hollander, always felt there was something out of the ordinary with Shane. Not wrong so to say, but just different. Where other kids thrived in social situations, their son shied away to the corners, distancing himself from everyone which often led to people jumping to conclusions that he was a restful, soothing guy. Those qualities were definitely true, just not in the way people thought. Yuna and David saw more of Shane than other people did. They knew that him distancing himself from others wasn’t because of his good natured soul. It was because he had to, otherwise he would shut down. Not just socially, but emotionally and physically. After a social outing where Shane had to be communal, they would often later find him sitting in his bedroom, blinds covering his windows and hands covering his eyes. Not crying, not rocking back and forth, just sitting. Regulating. 

Taking Shane grocery shopping was a whole other story. Up until the age of about 6, every single shopping trip would end with little Shane Hollander crying in the shopping cart wanting to go home. Not causing a scene, which his parents were most definitely grateful for, but just sitting in the shopping cart while tears slowly streamed down his face. He only stopped at age 6 because, well, they just stopped taking him. 

So, all in all, Shane Hollander was not a regular crier. 

That all changed when he met Ilya Rozanov. 

 ࣪ ˖ 𖦹°⋆

2021

While Ilya went out to celebrate with the team, Shane stayed home in their Ottawa residence. He had woken up with a sore throat which then progressed into a runny nose, a severe headache then the worst of all, throwing up. He has tried to persevere at first. Taken any medicine he could find that would help. Washed out his sinus’s, used a heatpack over his forehead and yet, nothing was working. He refrained from telling his husband though, knowing Ilya would just make something out of nothing. Although, by the side glances he was getting from him at practice, Shane was sure he knew something was up. What Shane wasn’t aware of though, was that clearly everyone else in the team knew as well. About 30 minutes into practice, Coach Wiebe had pulled him aside and told him to go home. He knew they had a game that same afternoon, so Shane had felt a little guilty about being relieved he was sent away. He had not long signed with the Ottawa Centaurs, yet was already skipping practice. How pathetic, Shane thought. 

As Shane began to make his way off of the ice, he saw Ilya skating up to him. 

“Why did you not tell me? I asked if something was wrong and you told me not to worry.” Ilya questioned. 

“Relax. Nothing is wrong, just feeling a little under the weather is all. Coach told me to go home so I don’t get anyone else sick,” Shane lied. “Don’t worry about me too much. You have to focus on practice to make sure you guys win tonight. What will you guys do with the best player on the team being absent?”

That got a smirk out of Ilya. 

“We will never know, because I am still here.” Ilya stated as he reached for Shane’s hands. 

Shane laughed, mumbled something along the lines of ‘If you say so’, and brought Ilya’s hand up to his lips. 

“Focus on the team. I’ll be fine at home.” Shane said as he pecked Ilya’s knuckles through his gloves.

Ilya gave him a small smile then, “You will send me a message when you get home, yes?”

“Yes. Of course.” Shane confirms.

Just as Shane sees Ilya go to lean in for a kiss, he pulls his head back.

“You’ll get sick, Ilya.” Shane said with a sigh

“Is worth it.” Ilya says as he tries to steal a kiss again.

Shane looks at him with piteous eyes. “Is it worth the two best players on this team getting sick and not being able to play?” 

“..Yes?” Ilya says looking confused. 

Shane tilts his head at him with a grin.

“I’ll message you when I get home. I love you.” 

Ilya frowns, then “Okay. I love you too, моя милая.”

 ࣪ ˖ 𖦹°⋆

Shane sits in his and Ilya’s bed, absently looking up at the roof, reliving his life before he got this unknown deathly illness. Well, that’s a bit dramatic, but it sure feels like it. 

Every task he could think of seemed like too much work. Reading, he had to get up to get a book, and he just knew the words would hurt his head anyway. Watching tv, way too much noise and too bright. Scrolling on his phone seemed like the only okay task, he could turn the brightness down, turn the volume down, all while checking up on Ilya. So that's what he did. He grabbed his phone off of the nightstand and opened Instagram.

The first post he saw was posted by Wyatt Hayes, the team's goalie. It was posted to his private account. Harris, Ottawa Centaur's beloved social media manager, has said it was a good idea for them to have a public account as well as a private account so they could post freely without any fans seeing. 

The video shows Luca, Bood and Troy all singing a wrecked version of ‘When I Was Your Man’ by Bruno Mars. After about 10 seconds of the camera being on the three men, Wyatt flips the camera to himself and shows himself with tears in his eyes yelling ‘Those are my boys! You guys are fucking awesome!’

Shane smiles despite his current state, then clicks to the next video that was posted by Evan Dykstra, also shared to his private account. At first, Shane finds the video amusing. It is another angle of Wyatt’s story, although it also has Wyatt in the frame with the other men singing. He watches until the end, that’s when he sees Ilya. Ilya Rozanov, known for being a party boy, sitting back in the chairs…. sulking? He begins to go through all the other stories, searching for at least 1 clip of Ilya having fun. 6 stories later, he is still yet to find one. He then stumbles upon a story posted by Nick Chouinard. It is a photo of Ilya with his hands crossed over his chest. Shane immediately pulls up his texts with Ilya. 

Ilya ♥️

01:34am

Shane: What’s wrong? I saw everyone’s stories

 on Instagram. You look upset.

Ilya ♥️: Nothing is wrong. Just tired.

How are you feeling? 

Shane: I am fine. Please have fun, Ilya. 

You deserve it. Proud of you for the win!

Ilya ♥️: I am having fun. Having fun

getting blackmail videos of Troy. 

Shane doesn’t respond to Ilya’s last text, or the three that follow. Instead, he goes back on Instagram to investigate. Suddenly a new video from Wyatt has been posted. The video shows Ilya sitting on his phone, typing, while everyone around him dances. Across the screen reads-

‘Cap so tied down he cant even enjoy a night of celebration 🙄🤣’

Surely that can’t be why Ilya is upset, right? He has partied without him many times before, what is stopping him this time. That thought makes Shane put his phone down. Is Ilya mad at him for getting sick? Did Shane get him sick and that’s why he looks miserable? 1 whole hour of spiralling later, Shane receives a message from Ilya saying he is on his way home. Shane heart reacts to it, throws his phone back on the bed and reaches for more tissues to wipe away his snot. 

 ࣪ ˖ 𖦹°⋆

As the door to the bedroom starts to slowly creep open, Shane jumps up. He doesn’t even remember falling asleep. Was he even asleep, or was he just so out of it he had been laying in silence for the 40 minutes it took Ilya to get home?

“Sorry to wake you.” Ilya says quietly as he slides into the bed beside his husband.

“It’s okay, I don’t even think I was really asleep.” 

Ilya hums, then wraps his arms around Shane. 

“Ilya, I don’t want you getting sick. Maybe you should-” Shane tries to say.

That only makes Ilya tighten his grip around Shane and pull him closer, breathing in his scent. Just as Shane, once again, tries to tell Ilya they shouldn't be doing this, that Ilya should sleep in the guest bedroom tonight to prevent him from catching whatever Shane has, Ilya begins to mumble.

“Пожалуйста.” Ilya utters. 

Shane sighs, giving into Ilya. How could he say no to him? Just as he begins to snuggle into Ilya, he feels something wet drop onto his shoulder. Then another, and one more after that. He instantly turns around, discovering what he feared to be true. Ilya was crying. 

Chapter Text

Ilya had known all morning that something was definitely wrong with his husband. He saw him sneaking off into the bathroom for god knows how long, watched as he faltered while walking out of the kitchen after grabbing his 9th glass of water, and felt it in his bones as he slyly stepped away from Ilya’s attempts at kisses. Obviously, he knew that Shane would never admit to something actually being wrong. “No, Ilya. Nothing is wrong. I just didn’t sleep well!” he had heard Shane say for the umpteenth time on their way to brush their teeth. He had known something was undoubtedly 100% wrong when Shane had asked Ilya to drive. 

2019

“Ilya, you know I don’t like sports cars. They make me feel uneasy. So why, why, would you drive like we are in a race car while we are driving home? Is someone chasing us that I haven’t noticed? I mean seriously, what are you-” Shane was cut off by the sudden roar of the engine. “Stop! What the fuck! Ilya if we fucking die in this car I swear to god!”

Ilya chuckled, but slowed down nonetheless. “Shane, моя любовь, we are not going to die. Relax. I will go slow and boring for you.” 

Shane glared over at Ilya, although he couldn’t resist grabbing his partner's hand for comfort. If he was going to die, he would at least die holding the hand of the man he loved. Even if the man was currently trying to scare him to death. 

Ilya’s hand sat loosely in Shane’s lap. Until he started to slide it up. And started to slide it up some more. Then wrap his hand around Shane’s-

“Ilya if you think I am going to let you do that right now after you just tried to kill me-” Shane began as he wriggled back into the seat as much as he could to avoid Ilya’s hand, but was cut off by Ilya’s laughter. 

“I would never try to kill you! Unless you ate my last Milky Way. But I would not kill you for eating it. I would kill you because I know someone has taken over you because you would never think about-” Ilya was cut off by Shane smacking him up the side of the head while he rolled his eyes, turning his gaze back to the road.

Current Day

“You are sure you want me to drive?” Ilya asked Shane with a raise of his eyebrow. 

Shane threw the keys at him and opened the car's boot to tuck their duffel bags inside. Ilya heard Shane mumble something, but decided to leave it. He knew Shane wouldn’t repeat himself anyways.  They got in the car at the same time, Ilya driving and Shane sitting in the passenger seat. Ilya watches as Shane reclines his seat all the way back and puts his forearm over his eyes. 

“Ah yes, but you are definitely okay.” Ilya utters.

“Fuck you, I told you I was just tired.” Shane grumbles. 

Ilya puts his arms up in fake surrender. 

˚˖𓍢ִ໋❀

They eventually arrive at the arena. Ilya makes sure to get out of the car before Shane so he can grab both of their bags. As he reaches for Shane’s bag, he hears Shane sigh beside him.

“I can carry my own bag, Rozanov.” Shane huffed

“Okay, tough guy.” Ilya mumbled as he grabbed his and Shane’s bag out and began to walk towards the building, Shane stomping grumpily behind him. 

Ilya knew that Shane wasn’t actually angry with him. He knew that Shane was just trying to hide how he was really feeling, the best way he knew how. That’s why he wasn’t trying to fight back, he knew Shane needed to feel like he was in control of this situation. 

Ilya didn’t miss the way Shane winced as they opened the doors to the locker room and were boomingly welcomed. He also didn’t miss the fact that Shane’s nose has gone a peculiar shade of pink. Instead, he grabbed Shane’s hand, quickly said his ‘hellos’ to everyone that had greeted him, and went and sat down with Shane, not letting go of his hand once. They made it out onto the ice and began practice. A little while into their practice, he noticed Shane getting called over by Coach Wiebe. He skated a little closer, not significantly closer, but close enough so he could sort of make out what was being said. 

He heard coach say something like “Shane, what’s with you today”, and instantly wanted to skate over and say “Coach Wiebe, nothing is wrong with my beautiful Shane. He is perfect as always.” Even though he 1, knew that statement wasn’t true and 2, knew that Coach Wiebe’s job is to literally tell his players when something is wrong with their game play. Those facts didn’t stop him from wanting to defend his husband anyway. However, Ilya suddenly remembered he was captain of the team when Wyatt skated up to him to ask if he was alright. Ilya mumbled a quick “Yes, keep doing what you are doing.”, and skated towards Shane so he could reach him before he got off the ice. 

“Why did you not tell me? I asked if something was wrong and you told me not to worry.” Ilya asked, even though he knew why Shane did not tell him. 

 “Relax. Nothing is wrong, just feeling a little under the weather is all. Coach told me to go home so I don’t get anyone else sick,” Shane stated. “Don’t worry about me too much. You have to focus on practice to make sure you guys win tonight. What will you guys do with the best player on the team being absent?” 

Realistically, Ilya knew that Shane was most likely the best player on the team. Don’t get him wrong, his team was pretty decent, but decent did not weigh up to Shane Hollander’s skill. Shane’s skill was somewhere in the ‘Best hockey players of all time’ level. Despite knowing this information, he would never tell Shane this. Unless they were having sex and Ilya felt like he needed to get it off his chest, of course. 

Ilya smirked at the thought, remembering back to the time he had told Shane that he was, in fact, a better hockey player than him while they were having sex, just after he told this to Shane, Cliff Marlow came knocking on the hotel door, telling Ilya he ‘needed his wingman’. Knowing that there was someone outside the door really got Shane going, not that Shane would admit it. Maybe we should gather the whole team outside me and Shane’s bedroom for a night, Ilya thought. Then, no. Too crazy. Shane would never agree to that. 

“We will never know, because I am still here.” Ilya declared as he reached for his lover's hands, hearing Shane mumble something but not actually hearing what he said. 

“Focus on the team. I’ll be fine at home.” Shane said as he lifted his and Ilya’s hand to his mouth, giving Ilya’s gloved up knuckles a small peck. 

“You will send me a message when you get home, yes?” Ilya asked. 

“Yes, of course.” Shane replied easily. 

Ilya decides to lean in for a kiss, considering this might be the last time he sees Shane for the rest of the day. Just as he gets only a couple inches from Shane’s face, Shane seems to realise what he is doing and leans away. Ilya pulls his head back, mildly embarrassed because he knows the team will have seen him get rejected. Just as he goes to ask Shane what he did wrong, Shane begins talking.

“You’ll get sick, Ilya.” 

To say Ilya was filled with relief that, no, he in fact did not do anything to upset Shane was an understatement. However, Ilya did really want that kiss. 

“Is worth it.” Ilya declares as he leans back in. 

Once again, Shane pulls back.

“Is it worth the two best players on this team getting sick and not being able to play?” Shane questions. 

Was Shane silly? Yes, of course it was worth it and Ilya tells him just as much. 

“..Yes?” Ilya says, watching Shane tilt his head at him, grinning. 

They say their goodbyes, and off Shane goes. 

When Ilya joins back with the team, he hears Bood speak up.

“You know, that would have been cute if you guys hadn't basically called us bad players twice.” Bood says with an attitude.

“Was nothing but the truth,” Ilya said with a smirk.

True to his word, Shane messages him the second he gets home.

˚˖𓍢ִ໋❀

The game ends up going in their favour, Ottawa winning 3-2 against Toronto. In celebration, the team heads out to a local bar not too far from the arena. Tonight all of the men on the team had decided to bring along their wives (and Harris). Ilya didn’t have a problem with it of course, he loved the team and all of their partners. What he did have a problem with was the fact that his partner was not there. His partner was at home, sick. His partner who he couldn't even love publicly until recently. His partner who he got death threats over being married to. His partner, Shane Hollander. The love of his life. If Ilya was honest with himself, he could tell himself he was envious of his team mates. He was envious of the fact they never had to hide. The fact they can live freely, without being constantly surrounded by hate of people who they don’t even know. He knew it was selfish of him, to be jealous. But he just couldn’t help it. 

In moments like these, he misses Shane more than ever. More than he did when no one even knew about them. He misses him because he knows that now, he can have him. He can have him whenever he wants. To himself. At least, that’s what Ilya tries to tell himself. Deep down, he knows they will never get to just live. To breathe. They will always be Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov, the first husbands of hockey. 

He tries to have fun, he really does. But after about 30 minutes of lamely attempting to dance on the dance floor with the rookies, because all the older men have partners, he gives up and goes to sit down. He wishes that Shane could be here right now. He wishes that he could be in the middle of the dance floor messily making out with his love, just like everyone else. He types out multiple different messages to Shane 

всем сердцем 💕

Are you feeling any better?

Wish you were here ♥️

Did you see the game?

I miss you.

He doesn’t send any of them. He knows they will just make Shane worry about him, and that is the last thing he wants right now. 

After a while of watching Bood, Troy and Luca perform a butchered version on a Bruno Mars song, he receives a message from Shane.

всем сердцем 💕

01:34 am

всем сердцем 💕: What’s wrong? I saw 

everyone’s stories on Instagram. You look upset.

Ilya: Nothing is wrong. Just tired.

 How are you feeling?

всем сердцем 💕: I am fine. Please have 

fun, Ilya! You deserve it. Proud of you for the 

win!

Ilya: I am having fun. Having fun getting

Blackmail videos of Troy. 

Read 01:36 am

Ilya sits there for a bit longer, wallowing in self pity. Eventually, Wyatt comes and sits with him.

“Hey Cap! Why do you look so lonely? Come dance!” Wyatt yells over the music.

Ilya just glances at him, then looks away. He notices Wyatt groan and walk away, but doesn’t do anything about it. He just wants to go home. 

˚˖𓍢ִ໋❀

Ilya drives himself home. He hadn’t consumed any alcohol tonight, so he knew he was fine. 

He walks through the front door of his and Shane’s home, quietly shutting the door behind him. He rushes to the spare bathroom, desperate for the toilet. Usually he would have just used their ensuite bathroom, but he didn’t want to wake Shane, no matter how much he wanted to see him. Luckily he finds that Shane had gotten pyjamas for him and left them on the kitchen counter top. He grabs them and heads back to the spare bathroom. 

He turns the shower on and lets it run over him. He feels the water flowing over his body, as cold as he could get it. Then, he scrubs himself with his and Shane’s shared body wash. As he gets out, he stubs his toe on the corner of the sink. That was enough to send him over the edge. He grabs the corners on the sink, knuckles going white. The same knuckles that not too long ago, Shane had been kissing. At this point there are tears streaming down his face. Going down his neck, just to get caught in his collarbones. He releases the sink from his grip and instead curls up balls of his hair into his fists. He doesn’t know what happened. This morning, he was fine. Happy, even. And now? Now he is alone, crying so hard in his spare bathroom he is almost throwing up. He wishes he could. Wishes he could feel the need to let everything out. But he doesn’t. He doesn’t feel anything. Just - empty. 

All he wants right now is Shane, but what would he even say if Shane were to see him like this? He couldn’t explain everything to him right now. Hell, he couldn’t even explain it to himself. Instead,  he splashes his face with water, runs his hands through his hair, straightens up, and makes his way to their bedroom. 

He opens the door as slowly and quietly as possible. Clearly, he was not as sly as he thought he was being. Shane jumps up in bed, frantically looking around for whatever the noise is. Well fuck. There goes his plan of sneaking up with Shane, cuddling him until the sun woke them both up. 

“Sorry to wake you.” Ilya whispers as he quietly slides himself into bed. 

“It’s okay, I don’t even think I was really asleep.” Shane replies

Ilya hums, then wraps his arms around Shane.

“Ilya, I don’t want you getting sick. Maybe you should-” Shane tries to get out. 

There was nothing, absolutely nothing, that was going to stop Ilya from cuddling Shane. From getting so close to him they could practically be one whole. Ilya just pulls Shane closer and takes a deep breath. Again, Shane tries to rid Ilya off of him. Ilya doesn’t even hear what Shane is saying. All he wants, no, needs right now is Shane. For him to hold Shane so he knows that everything will be okay. 

“Пожалуйста.” Ilya utters.

Thankfully, that was enough for Shane to relax and lean back into Ilya. That feeling of relief, of gratefulness that one person could make him feel so much at once set him off again. He bit his lip to keep quiet, not wanting to bother Shane. Unfortunately, his tears started slipping. He feels one glide off his face and immediately stills, praying Shane didn’t notice. All of his hope is crushed the second he sees Shane turn around and look him in the face. 

“Ilya, baby, what’s wrong?” Shane whispers as he rolls over and cups Ilya’s face. 

“Is nothing, моя любовь. Go back to sleep.” Ilya murmurs. 

“You’re crying, that’s not nothing, Ilya. Talk to me.”

That is the last thing Ilya wants to do. All he wants is to sleep - with the man he loves, then wake up and have morning sex, then make coffees and go sit together in their dining room. But now, cause he was weak and couldn’t hope back his fucking tears, he has to talk. 

“Shane please. Not right now. I just want to sleep.” 

“You know the rules Ilya, no going to sleep sad, mad, or distant. You’re-” Shane gets cut off by a sneeze before recollecting himself. “You look pretty fucking sad to me, and that’s making me sad.” Shane pries 

“I promise, we will talk in the morning, okay? I just need you. You don’t make me sad.” Ilya begs

Shane looks at him, worry written all over his face. Then, before he knows it, Shane is kissing away his tears. 

“We will talk in the morning. I love you.” Shane finally says after plastering his face in carefully placed pecks. 

Ilya smiles at him, waiting for Shane to roll back over. They finally get comfortable before Shane starts speaking again.

“Ilya?” 

Ilya just hums in response, too drained to answer.

“Did you take your medication this morning?” Shane asks wearily. 

Ilya stiffens. He had only realised after Shane had left practice that he had forgotten to take his anti depressants his therapist had recommended he look into ages ago. He had noticed a difference, he guessed. The biggest difference he noticed was that he couldn’t cry. Watching a sad movie? No tears. Having a heart to heart with Shane? No tears. So, he guesses that explains why everything came out tonight. Not having cried for several months will do that to you. After an unknown amount of minutes, he feels Shane shift and turn back to look at him. 

“Ilya?” 

“No. I forgot. I’m sorry” Ilya admits

Rather than getting mad or disappointed, Shane gives him a tight lipped smile. Ilya doesn’t miss the tears shining in his husband's eyes. Without warning, he feels Shane significantly shift. Suddenly, Shane’s arms are wrapped around Ilya’s and their position had totally flipped. 

“You have nothing to apologise for. I love you.” Shane says from behind him, nuzzling his nose into the crook of Ilya’s neck and wrapping his arms around him tighter. 

“я тебя люблю” Ilya replies as he feels Shane lightly cover his neck in kisses. 

“So much for not getting you sick.” Shane jokes.

Ilya huffs in response and settles closer.