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Phayu was normally up by five, showered and shaved by six after a workout, and ate breakfast by seven before he went off to his day job. Usually, he left Rain snuggled up in bed while he did his routine and made breakfast. Most of the time, Rain woke up early enough to eat with him and hang out a little bit before they had to go their separate ways, but that was very much dependent on how much sleep Rain had gotten the previous night.
But now there was no schedule to set or keep. It was pointless to even try.
The sun was shining outside the window, and birds were chirping. It was well past five, and Phayu was still in bed with Rain sprawled out in the bed next to him, snoring and twitching and looking all kinds of adorable in the midmorning light coming in through the windows.
Phayu was very much accustomed to having a jam-packed schedule and his hands always busy with something. He couldn't remember a time when he didn't have a schedule. Having Saf and Pai in his life made sticking to said schedule tough, as they were both different kinds of chaos he had to contend with, but they'd really always had been there, so Phayu was very much used to adapting around them and rolling with the punches.
He had never just freewheeled it before.
But it was impossible to have a schedule or routine in the aftermath of the attack.
Not that Phayu had expected to.
What would that even look like? How did someone schedule a panic attack? How was Rain supposed to anticipate what time he'd spiral and for how long? Phayu couldn't tell everyone that dinner was at six and expect both Rain and Sky to just shut down all the shit they were dealing with and attend dinner. It was ridiculous to even consider.
And it wasn't like Phayu couldn't function without a schedule. He wasn't so rigid and set in his ways that he couldn't deal. It was just that the sudden change was a little disorienting.
He'd found that the only thing he could schedule— the only thing he knew for sure that he needed to do was: be prepared.
Prepared for whatever the day had in store for them. Prepared to talk Rain down or through whatever was holding his head hostage. Prepared to whisk Rain off to the shower every time he started itching and scratching at his skin. Prepared to hold and cuddle and soothe his boyfriend in whatever way he could.
Because there was nothing else he could fucking do.
About any of it.
He couldn't take the hurt for Rain. He couldn't do anything but be there and offer support in whatever form Rain needed it while the love of his life suffered right in front of him.
He was unable to keep it from happening— not the attack itself, and not the aftermath of Rain having to figure out how to deal with it all. It was beyond frustrating and made him feel fucking useless.
Sure, he'd beat one of the fuckers to death, but what exactly had that done for Rain? Absolutely nothing.
He should have held back— he should have pulled his punches just so that bastard would be sitting in Pakin's compound getting tortured just like the rest of those fuckers instead of six feet under.
But instead of doing the smart thing, he'd lost himself to the violence in front of Rain. Like a fucking idiot with no self-control.
Rain had said that Phayu's rage was his rage and that watching the two men who'd hurt and raped him get beat felt like vengeance. But that didn't negate the fact that Rain had witnessed the extreme violence Phayu was capable of.
And that was unacceptable because that made it just one more fucking thing Rain had to deal with.
It wasn't fair. None of it was. How many awful things did his boyfriend have to endure? How much was one person allowed to suffer before the universe decided to stop kicking him when he was already down?
The abuse, the attack, the rage spiral in front of Rain— it was never not on his mind. Dwelling on it, however, was helpful to no one, so Phayu mostly focused on what he could do.
He could make sure he was present every time Rain tried to scrub his skin raw and offer his help instead. He could apply the bruise cream to Rain's battered body every time it wore off. He could provide distractions and offer comfort and a listening ear whenever Rain needed it. He could bake all the treats Rain liked.
"Phayu?" Rain's voice was groggy and sudden in the quiet room. "Why are you scowling?"
Rain reached up to softly touch the furrow between his eyebrows, and Phayu attempted to soften his expression. Rain was bleary-eyed and slowly coming awake as his hand kept absentmindedly petting at Phayu's brow.
And Phayu scrambled for what to say. There was no way in hell he was going to unload all the shit in his brain onto Rain when Rain was already dealing with so fucking much. Phayu sat up, stretched, and tried to think of something innocuous.
"I was thinking about breakfast— the avocados didn't come in yesterday's order— which means I have to rethink the whole meal." It wasn't really a lie. He was very much annoyed at his grocery delivery person's inability to locate goddamn avocados in a grocery store. It wasn't like they had to go out and forage for the things. "Fuckin' Steve."
Rain laughed, all light and infectious and warm, and Phayu felt the muscles in his shoulders loosen in tandem. It was a fucking wonderful and relieving sound to hear.
"It wasn't just Steve." He yawned and ran a hand through his hair, and then started counting off on his fingers. "It was also Sunti, Fred, and Perm."
"It's an embarrassment to our gender." He was actually dead serious about that particular statement, but Rain laughed again, and Phayu couldn't help but grin at him.
It was impossible not to. Rain was too pretty with the sun shining down on him, even with his face all bruised up. He was giggly and warm and safe— and that was fucking everything.
"They really should have the option to request a female shopper, or just anyone but a basic bitch man." He grinned, his hands jerked, but he didn't present them. His eyes lit up after a beat, and he put a finger up. "You know what they should do— they should make their shoppers go through a test before they actually hire them. Like, even if it's just being able to identify standard fruits and veggies."
"That is an excellent idea. I'll send them an email." Phayu mentally added it to his to-do list and watched Rain laugh again, like he thought Phayu was joking.
Phayu took that moment to catalog the various stages of healing wounds he could see on Rain. They were almost two weeks out from the attack, and the bruising on Rain's poor face was still so bad. The swelling and puffiness had abated, but the bruises were only just turning green and yellow. His body was healing, but it was so slow-going.
"You wanna sleep some more, or should we get up?"
"Ummmm." He hummed and shifted to play with the hem of Phayu's t-shirt. "That depends." Rain arched an eyebrow all adorably, and Phayu resisted the urge to swoop down and lay a kiss on said eyebrow and instead slowly reached over to softly pet it.
"On what?" Phayu was ready to do whatever.
"What are we cooking for breakfast?" Rain stopped fiddling with Phayu's hem and looked up at him from his position on the bed with a scrutinizing expression.
Phayu tried not to smirk and narrowed his eyes at Rain as playfully as he could. They'd been having this discussion as a group for a couple of days now. Rain and Sky on one side of the debate, and him and Pai on the other.
He'd been making 'soft' foods ever since they'd come home from the hospital because both Rain and Sky had open wounds in their mouths. They'd both been hit so hard in the face that the impact had forced their teeth to cut gashes into their cheeks. Neither of them had had to get stitches, but the cuts were still pretty serious.
Both Rain and Sky were exasperated with him and called his cooking 'ridiculous coddling behavior'. Which was just upsetting because obviously neither of them knew what actual coddling behavior was. Cooking them soft food so they didn't worsen their injuries or have to deal with unnecessary pain while they ate was just basic fucking decency.
However, they were a couple of days past the timeframe the doctor had quoted him for their wounds to be healed, so he could make harder foods again. But that didn't mean he wasn't going to tease his boyfriend just a little about it.
"Phayu, I love your cookin'— it's always delicious. And nutritious." He said the last bit quickly while nodding his head. Like he was concerned that Phayu would be offended if he didn't clarify that his cooking was also nutritious. "No one cooks better than you. But me and Sky are fine— my cheek stopped hurting days ago. Sky too! And I'm not saying this because I don't like it— but if we eat porridge or pasta or soup for one more meal… I might keel over."
"Wait." He put his hands up and pretended like they hadn't had this same exact conversation ten times already. "Hold on a minute here." Phayu made sure his face was shocked and verging on flabbergasted. "Are you telling me that you don't want to eat any more of my pureed soups? My protein shakes? My very tasty oatmeal dishes?"
Rain grinned up at him, all warm and playful, and Phayu's brain stopped working for a moment. Full stop.
No thoughts. No functions. Only Rain.
"Phayu, my love," He pushed himself up into a sitting position with a whimper and a hand to his ribs. "You have got to stop coddling us— we can eat solid foods!"
And Phayu's brain turned back on. Familiar rage ignited in his gut, and Phayu attempted to smother the inferno as he helped Rain sit up.
"It's not coddling—"
"It is!" He stood, pointed a finger at Phayu, and then moved over to the closet. Phayu followed automatically and helped him into a new shirt. "There is a limit to how many different flavors of mush I can eat."
"Mush!?" Phayu tried to sound offended instead of amused, but it was hard.
"Delicious mush!" He put his hands up like he was attempting to soften the blow, and Phayu wanted to kiss him senseless, but he had to restrain himself. They were still so close to the attack, and despite what Rain claimed, Phayu knew he wasn't ready for physical intimacy. "It's always very delicious, but Phayu, I need solid food."
"Solid food is overrated." Phayu followed Rain into the bathroom and watched him scowl all adorably in the mirror.
"Phayu, I'm not even twenty-five yet." He tilted over the sink and splashed water on his face while Phayu did his morning routine around him. "I'm also not a newborn baby."
"Yeah." Phayu applied his deodorant and put toothpaste on his toothbrush while he waited for Rain to continue. Rain, however, did not continue and only looked at Phayu all expectantly while he brushed his own teeth. "Why are you saying that?"
"Because I have teeth." He bared said teeth and pointed to them like maybe Phayu couldn't see them, and Phayu had to grin again. "I have teeth, and I want to use them!"
"Fine." Phayu capitulated, and Rain instantly lit up. All blinding white smiles and bright eyes, and Phayu had to concentrate not to hit his gums with the damn toothbrush because his motor functions weren't so good when Rain was being so pretty. "What do you want to eat?"
"Bacon!" He jumped a little where he was standing and kept naming off foods. Phayu tried to focus, but it was difficult with the sun right in front of him. "And hashbrowns. Orange syrup with waffles. Blueberry waffles!"
"Want eggs too?" Phayu rinsed his mouth out and then followed Rain out of the bathroom and towards the kitchen.
"Oooh, yes. A spicy fried egg sounds really good." Phayu checked his fridge and pantry contents to make sure he had all the requested items and then started in on prepping.
Rain washed veggies and potatoes, and got to chopping away as Phayu put the bacon in the oven and mixed the waffle batter. It was pleasant and warm. Rain laughed and talked and looked... like his. Like he was Phayu's.
And Christ, he needed that to be official sooner rather than later.
Phayu glanced up from the skillet he was sauteing onions in when he heard footsteps and watched Sky enter the kitchen, just as battered as Rain, but maybe Phayu was just used to the bruises, because the beaten state of his body was hardly noticeable with how bright his eyes were and the wide smile on his face.
Which was odd.
He knew Sky to be cautious about everything. Not only people, but the things he said, the emotions he showed— especially in front of Phayu. Unconsciously or not, Sky tended to shut down whenever Phayu entered an area he and Rain or Pai were already existing in. It was a thousand times better than how it used to be, but Sky still dimmed around him.
So the unabashed happiness was new. Phayu scanned him over once: white cotton shirt that was obviously Pai's because he swam in the thing, arms all bruised up, shiny new ring on his finger, pajama pants with some anime character on them, bare feet—
Motherfucker.
Pai sauntered his ass into the kitchen a few steps behind Sky, grinning and smiling and wearing that stupidly enamored look on his face that Phayu suddenly wanted to pummel.
That fucking— that fucking— motherfucker!
Phayu was going to kill him. Death by fire— beheading— drawn and quartered— fucking anything to make him suffer before he died.
Squealing happened. Rain was jumping and giggling with Sky in his arms, but he couldn't hear anything being said over the roar of hatred and betrayal in his head.
But he remained calm.
He and Pai had been operating carefully since the attack. There were no sudden movements from either of them. There was no yelling. There was no boxing them in or cutting off escape routes. And there was sure as shit no wrestling in front of them.
Which meant Phayu had to bide his time.
Fucking bastard.
Pai, somehow, stopped staring at Sky and glanced towards Phayu like maybe he felt the seething hatred burning a hole through his head. His stupid eyebrow arched like he had no idea why Phayu was trying to kill him with his brain power. Then something like realization sparked and the fucker smirked.
Smirked.
The skillet in his hand was feeling more and more throwable by the second. And the fucker just kept on smirking.
Pai knew full well about the marriage registration he'd gotten at the courthouse— Pai had been with him when he got it. Pai knew about the ring and the proposal script he kept writing and rewriting, and all the fucking plans Phayu had in the works already.
Phayu reined in his expression and big feelings quick enough that neither Rain nor Sky noticed his upset when conversation flowed towards him. He was the very picture of calm and collected as he congratulated Sky and finished making breakfast. He even kept it together as he served the meal, but he was too distracted with thoughts of murdering Pai to follow the conversation happening around the table.
Pai, who slept under his roof and ate his food and went around behind him whenever Phayu was tidying, and purposefully skewed frames and decorations and rugs. Pai, who was always saying the cheesiest, most ridiculous shit about Sky that Phayu had ever heard— it was downright traumatizing to listen to and endure day in and day out. Pai, who never—
"Phayu," Pai waved a hand in front of Phayu's face and arched a mocking eyebrow. "What are you thinking so hard about? Please pass my fiancé the syrup." He gestured to the syrup that was just as close to him as it was to Phayu and smiled all innocently.
Yeah. Yep. Yes, Phayu was going to kill him.
"Oh, sure." Phayu kept his facial expressions in check and handed it over. Rain gripped his hand under the table, and Phayu was fully brought back to the present at the contact.
Rain's hand was soft and warm. A hand that should have a ring on it.
And Pai had beaten him to the punch.
That fucker.
"So is the Tic match ongoing, or did you guys finally name a winner?" Rain tilted his head at Sky and took a big bite of the bacon in his free hand. "Do we have something to celebrate today?"
"I don't know." Sky sighed a put-upon sigh and shot a look towards him, and Phayu had to scramble to stop thinking about murder and register what they were even talking about. "Phayu keeps throwing the games, so we aren't even really playing. He's just purposefully losing to me."
"Throwing the games?" Was it considered 'throwing games' if he was just trying to play with Sky's handicaps in mind?
"You're telling me that I won seventeen times in a row then?" Sky jerked his thumb over his shoulder and towards the fridge where the leaderboard lived.
Rain had decided some time ago that they needed to track their wins on something fancier than on napkins and whatever scraps of paper they found and had tasked himself with making a very detailed and very glittery leaderboard. Whenever a victor was named over a particular game, Rain liked to make a ceremony of placing the gold stars he'd meticulously picked out and then celebrate the win with good food and drinks the rest of the day.
It was fun and kind of embarrassing whenever he did win a gold star because Phayu liked it too much. He knew there was something wrong with him and the too-large portion of his brain that competition took up, but knowing it didn't change the fact that he worked for those stars.
And he knew Sky did too.
There was no hiding the fire and drive it ignited in his eyes whenever Rain bestowed the golden sticker. Which just made it all the more fun.
But his star-getting activities had to be put on the back burner. Recent events left Sky too wounded to comfortably compete against.
"Yes." He tried to look like he wasn't lying through his teeth and not at all like someone who'd thrown a few games.
"Pfft." Sky rolled his eyes. "You've been throwing games since we started staying over, Phayu."
"No, you're just really good at winning lately." He knew it was a lame argument the moment it left his mouth, but he tried to look like he believed every word.
Sky scoffed, obviously offended, and then pointed all aggressively at him from across the table.
"You're throwing games because you think I'm too mentally fragile or something." He pursed his lips, glared all kinds of fiercely, and looked ready to fight if Phayu said the wrong thing.
"No." He did think that, actually. But he wasn't dumb enough to say it out loud.
Why would he add losing games to the list of shit Sky already had to deal with? He wasn't a monster. He glanced over at Pai because he knew Pai would be on the same page, but the fucker was just smirking and looking gleeful about the hole Phayu was digging himself.
"But you're handicapped right now— it wouldn't be fair to beat you."
"Handicapped?" He scoffed as if he wasn't covered in bruises from head to toe. "And you think if you actually tried not to lose, you'd beat me!?" He looked at both Pai and Rain in turn, like he was checking to see if everyone else was hearing the shit Phayu was saying.
Pai patted Sky on the shoulder and then turned to shake his head all imperiously, like he was disappointed in Phayu and like he wouldn't have done the same fucking thing— and Jesus fucking Christ, Phayu was going to annihilate him.
Fucking destroy him.
Rain was making an incredulous face at him, too, and Phayu didn't know what to say to make it better because he was right. Sure, there was the mental component, but Sky was still so hurt. He had broken ribs, burns all over his arms, and was bruised up seven ways from Sunday. All that had to hurt. All that was a lot to fucking deal with.
How was it not obvious to either of them that they were both currently handicapped?
"Busted ribs do not incapacitate me from holding cards." He poked his own chest and then turned those pointing fingers back on Phayu. "You are the one with two broken fingers— fingers you need to hold cards with."
"These are nothing." Phayu barely even noticed them. He worked around them and figured it out. They didn't count as a handicap.
"You are just as busted up as I am." Sky glowered, and Rain nodded his head as if Sky was the only one making sense.
"He's right, Phayu." Rain traced the suture marks in his knuckles and then blinked up at him all adorably sincere. His heart stuttered in his chest, and Phayu lost the thread of conversation. "You only just got your stitches out. You have to take it easy."
Fine. He'd stop throwing games. Sky wanted to compete for real? Phayu would beat the socks off of him.
"Fine," Phayu could do nothing but throw his hands up in annoyed exasperation that he was outnumbered and Pai was just sitting there, smirking and being of no help whatsoever. "Let's play for real then." And then he realized too late that he was doing big and fast movements when he'd been trying very hard not to.
Neither Rain nor Sky flinched, though. Maybe he was being a bit too cautious.
"Good." Sky nodded once and turned back to his food. "After breakfast?"
"Make sure you're prepared to lose." Phayu glanced over at Pai because he would be the one having to do the consoling when Sky lost. Pai only grinned haughtily back at him, and Phayu resisted the very persistent urge to reach over and smack him.
"You're sounding real cocky for a guy two stars behind on the leader board." Sky glared up at him, and Rain laughed beside him. But it was true, so all Phayu could really do was glare as Sky arched a challenging brow at him and Pai just kept fucking smirking.
Phayu let him smirk and bided his time.
It was difficult not to launch himself over the table and tackle Pai out of his chair, but he did it. He forced himself to stay seated and present while they ate and chatted because the moment he got Pai alone, he was going to beat the holy hell out of him.
And because he'd become pretty good over the last couple of weeks at knowing what was required for both Rain and Sky to be thoroughly distracted, he made a beeline for the living room. Pai could argue with both Rain and Sky about not lifting a finger for the breakfast clean-up while he set his trap.
He fluffed up the pillows and soft blankets that he'd specifically purchased because Rain had commented on his lack when they'd first started dating. He laid out snacks and drinks he knew would be a hit and turned the TV on to one of the shows they tended to leave on in the background while they did other stuff. And then fetched one of the many Lego sets he had stockpiled after his first therapy session.
Phayu had only been twice so far and found that he didn't have much of anything to talk about when he was sat opposite the therapist. Nothing he couldn't figure out himself, anyway. But the silence felt disingenuous to the promise he'd made Pai. So Phayu had attempted to get something out of it.
As it turned out, the therapist was actually good for something.
He was a font of information on how to help Rain. Through panic attacks and nightmares and bad thoughts and the constant need to scrub his skin clean that went hand in hand with remembering the attack. He'd even given Phayu several ideas on mind-distracting activities.
Legos had been Phayu's idea, but the therapist had sparked the thought.
He knew Rain to be hands-on and very artistic. He'd figured Sky was, too, being an architecture student and all. Thankfully, it was extremely effective in keeping their hands busy and thoughts locked on something besides the horrible fucking shit they'd gone through.
Once all the little bags of Legos were dumped on the coffee table, the instructions were set out, and the box was neatly displayed at the end of the table, he made his way back into the kitchen and helped Pai convince them both to just hang out while they cleaned up the breakfast mess.
Only after he watched them both maneuver themselves around the coffee table and heard the plink of plastic Lego pieces hitting the table did he turn his attention on Pai.
"What's wrong, Phayu?" Pai mock-frowned and scrunched his face in a way that told Phayu he was trying his best to look oh so very concerned. "You look upset about something."
After a beat of charged silence, Pai stopped pretending to smirk again and then cackled. Actually cackled like some kind of evil old crone rejoicing in their horrible deeds.
Phayu double-checked that Rain and Sky were thoroughly distracted and lunged.