Chapter Text
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Those deep brown eyes, surrounded by messy black eyeliner and long lashes batting slowly at me could not escape my gaze anymore. My soul is hers for the taking and oh boy, does she seem to want it…
And I would give it to her. I would give anything for her to take another step into the dim light in this dark alley just so I can see her beautiful perfect face with more clarity. We don’t have to make up, we don’t even need to talk, especially because hearing her voice at this moment could make me wanna ruin my stupid slow life in exchange for a few seconds of excitement with her again.
Funny, I think for a moment, for me to be so eager to give up everything for her within an instant of reuniting, when four years ago we already learned the hard lesson that life does in fact get in the way of your perfect little love story. No matter how much you promise each other that nothing could ever tear you apart. No matter how much you wish things were different, that you were sixteen forever, that love could be stretched to any distance without breaking…
I can’t even close my eyes to focus on what to say, cause if I do, all I can see is that poster wall in my room at my parents house in Vancouver, the one I spent hours looking at in silence after that phone call ended.
Ah, the phone call. It’s replaying in my head for the first time in years and at the worst possible moment.
Nora is right in front of me, cigarette between her lips, dizzy eyes getting closer by the minute after almost five years without me seeing her, and all I can hear in my mind is my own voice breaking on that rainy night…
It was four years ago and everything felt like twice its size, especially the bad stuff. We were teenagers in love, knowing we would have to be separated for so long nearly broke us completely.
We had tried long distance for a few months, but each day and each call began to make us understand that we were not made for this. The longing, the meaningless fights we never had before, the dumb jealousy coming from both sides, the baseless accusations on one another… One day everything just got to me.
We were on a late night call. We thought this would be our reconciliation of sorts, a night without fighting. Without insecurities, anything. We had been planning this for a while, saying “I'm sorry,” and “next time I won't fight. I promise.”
My heart sank every time I would reminisce about the way we were before all this. We never fought. I always agreed to follow Nora’s lead on literally anything, the only important thing for me was to be at her side. But we couldn't even have that anymore.
I remember while we were silent for a bit, not even knowing what small talk to make, feeling a sort of pressure in my heart to fill in the gaps, I knew… We weren't the same anymore. This was so exhausting and for what? For us to not even have anything nice to say to each other?
It was like blasphemy, hearing her sweet angelic voice, the holiest sound in the world… only for it to sound forced, like she was missing something. Like we were strangers. I didn’t want our memories together to end up even worse than this. I knew what I had to do. To freeze us in time, to leave us no chances to fuck this up even more…
I broke the silence before she could. She must've thought I was gonna comment on the latest episode of that show we used to watch together, or make an innocent joke about a critter I filmed. Because yes, those were usually my go-to’s when we were stuck like this. Just to try and pretend everything is normal and we're still the happy dumb couple from high school.
But we were not. And what I said was from the bottom of my heart.
“Nor, I think we need to break up,” and that was enough. She kept quiet on the other side while I just sighed, tears running down my face. Her silence was so out of character that I knew she was already expecting this.
Me? I couldn’t stop looking at that poster… The Rocky Horror one she gave me right at the beginning of our last summer. I stared at it and cried, holding my chest as if I could grab the pain and toss it away.
I could only hear her soft breathing for what seemed to be minutes. Then she just said “I know,” before bursting into tears, “but, Swann…” the worst part is I could imagine exactly what desperate expression was on her face, I could feel her walking in circles in that garage trying to catch her breath while blowing smoke to try and ease her pain too.
The call was cut short so that we didn't go back on our decision. Because we knew we could go back at any moment, lying to ourselves and the other about how everything is gonna change tomorrow morning and we just needed to choose to be okay.
Fools. The both of us. Knowingly, too.
After that day, we had our almost back together moments, but we both felt that this was the real end. Still, one night or another one of us would send a text at 4am and delete it immediately - or not - or drunkly call the other saying “I love you,” and how we wished things were different.
After a few months of this, though, there were no straws left to grasp at. We fully stopped talking after the night she called me drunk, crying and begging me to go back to her. To the States. To LA. To anywhere closer to her, and she would ‘make it up for me.’ That we promised never to let go of each other.
Even though my heart sank hearing her cries, I knew that was impossible. She knew that, too. My parents moved and dragged me to Canada as soon as summer was over and I would start my last year in high school. She moved to LA with her mom to follow her dreams. I would only give up a quiet life if it was for her, but at the time I just didn’t have it in me to go against my father’s wishes. It would always be like this and we just spent months pretending not to know what was coming.
I couldn't come back. I didn't want it anymore. And that broke my heart as well.
We practically pretended that last call never happened and I think it's for the best. We never even blocked each other, just naturally vanished from the other's life.
That was… up until now.
After my second college year, I transferred here for a specific screenwriting program within the Cinema Studies major. Of course, when I first talked to my parents about being a transfer student right in the middle of my college years, I… hoped I would end up in LA in the end. I knew they had a good curriculum, but I also tried looking up all the bestest options for a writer wanting to go from a Communication major to a film making one, and still, no other school had a chance. It was as if deep down I craved this reunion.
And not just with Nora. I knew Kat and Autumn were both at the same uni too – as IF those two could ever be separated – In fact, they were my first introduction to life in LA since I got here a week ago. Our friendship went back to exactly how it was in an instant, as if we’ve been apart for a few days only.
We were just at a pub near campus catching up and interestingly enough, they seemed to avoid talking about Nora. At first I thought it was for my sake or something like that, but… no. Apparently they fell out of the friendship with her since we broke up and Nor’s been hanging out with some rich kids who are internet famous. I tried prying a little more, but I wasn’t super subtle and Autumn cut the subject almost immediately after just saying, “She's not the same anymore.”
I also didn’t wanna seem like some desperate girl trying to talk about her ex at any given moment, so I went with the flow and accepted that this so-called ‘new Nora’ would remain a mystery to me. At least until I myself bumped into her.
It is what just happened, like a bad inside joke between fate and me.
A weird guy was trying to offer me something in a dark alley and after saying no, I tried to jog as fast as I could to get away from him. He kept following me, even touched my arm and fear took over my body. I froze. I couldn’t imagine what would happen if… she hadn’t shown up.
It was automatic. As soon as the creep saw her face, his eyes widened, he apologized and vanished into the dark of night as fast as he appeared.
It was almost as if… he was afraid of her? Curious, I slowly turned back to see who my hero was and yeah… there she was. It took me only one second to simply know it was her. Now it's like minutes just went by with me reminiscing and shaking my head in silence, not knowing what to do with… with this!
“Are you alright? Damn, these freaks…” no… oh my god. Not her voice, not so soon… It’s raspy and she clears her throat with a nonchalant giggle. She… didn’t recognize me yet..? She takes one step closer, still smiling trying to comfort me while I’m petrified, dumbfounded by what’s in front of me.
It takes a moment, but as soon as I lift my head up to meet her gaze again I feel it in my heart. She now knows who I am. She stops in her tracks, hands midair as she decides not to grab me by the shoulders and her eyes as big as they get, “F-fuck… Swann?” she finally speaks again.
“I… Yeah!” my voice sounds so high pitched it's unrecognizable. I clear my throat. “I mean… Yes. It's me! Swann… I mean, you know that,” great. Just great.
“It's really you, I-” she smiles, a small tear at the corner of her eye, “fuck. I didn't know you were here!”
Oh. That's true…
I never even texted Nora about me moving to LA. I couldn't find the right moment or words that didn't make it seem like I was expecting something from her simply because I would be here… and with my presence online being non-existent, of course she didn't know. Looking at it now, I feel terrible.
“Yeah, sorry, it's been a week! I mean I knew beforehand that I was coming, of course, but I didn't know if I could just… well. You Know,” I keep fidgeting with my fingers to forget how badly I'm doing at this.
“I know,” she sighs and finally breaks eye contact, suddenly her smile drops. I'm so sorry, Nor… “so. How long are you staying? Wait, don't you have schoo-”
“I'm… staying, Nora. Like, staying.”
“Oh… Oh.”
“Yeah… I just transferred. Changed majors and stuff like that,” I make a vague hand gesture, now looking straight at the floor with embarrassment.
She nods in silence for a bit, “so… you abandoned Communication, huh?” I try to ignore how this could be interpreted in more than one way.
“Yes. I finally had the courage to go back to filming. Cinema Studies now…” I keep staring at my feet and shifting my weight on it.
“Huh,” I look up and her smile is back. Subtle, but still… “that’s so cool, Swann. I'm happy for you.”
Our eyes finally lock on each other, a small glint shining through the night, “w-what about you? I mean… Still in fashion?”
“Yeah,” she shrugs, “just one more year and my mom will be satisfied enough to let me go back to music anyway, so… no use in rebelling at this point. Also, it's not all that bad.” Her voice is almost a whisper at the end.
Right. I remember when Nora realized life with her mom wasn't exactly the dream she always had in her head. She was actually extremely happy to move to her own apartment near campus as soon as this ‘contract’ of theirs started: Nora would focus on fashion for at least her college years and she could do music as a hobby or secondary thing, and in exchange she would help Nor get famous faster with her contacts.
She was way more hopeful about this whole thing before, it's not like she hates being a fashion designer, I know that, but I also know how the band was like a baby to all of us… and after hearing Kat talk about it today, I feel like they would still be together if it weren't for all the complications Nora went through. And apparently I don't even know half of it yet.
A little bit of awkward silent nods later, I let out a small chuckle, “so, you’re still… at the same apartment..? I- I remember it's close by.”
“Yeah. Are you… uh… going back to campus then? I figured…” she throws the burnt cigarette away and puts both hands in her heavily decorated jacket’s pockets. “I could walk you there. You know, to be safe.”
“Right!” shit. Another voice crack, “yeah, well, only if it's not gonna bother you! I’m already pretty close, actually, I can-”
“Shut up, Swann. It's me!”
“You're right. I'm sorry. Was I… being too polite?”
She laughs out loud for the first time today, and my heart pounds immediately in response. It's like I'm a time traveler, back when I used to hear this sound every fucking day… “hello..? Hell yeah you were! Now let me take you home, you dork.”
We walk side by side, shoulders almost touching, while Nora tries to stay silent for more than one minute. I chuckle and comfort her saying I would love to hear her talk about these last few years, but… she's acting weird.
“What do you mean ‘you don't wanna ramble’, Nor..? N-now who's being too polite?” I give her a soft push, trying to be spontaneous, but she's not impressed.
“It's not like that, okay? Just… There's nothing to say. I'm studying fashion design. Bloom and Rage is over… That's pretty much it,” she avoids my gaze and starts walking slightly faster. I stop for a moment, but she keeps on going.
“W-wait, Nora!!” I run to keep up with her again, “I'm sorry, I just thought… I don't know… that you could talk to me about your new f-friends..?”
“I-” she sighs, “Autumn talked, didn't she?”
“I mean… A little.”
“Look, Swann… shit. I don't know what to tell you,” she shifts her weight and sighs again.
“Oh I know… these things happen, right? Falling out,” I say almost trying not to be heard, looking the other way. But I feel her gaze on me, in silence again as if forcing herself not to say too much, “I really wasn't judging you, Nor. You know.”
“I know. I’m sorry too, by the way,” and a deep sigh. Yeah. I feel it in my heart that she's referring to my silent apology for breaking up with her and vanishing all those years ago. Or this is just me reading into things because I kinda… Blame myself. Now we're silently walking the rest of the way, I'd imagine.
As soon as we get close to my dorm building, not knowing the protocol for these types of accidental reunions, I just throw out some usual pleasantries… while actually meaning it for the first time in my life, “thanks, Nor. So… I’ll.. see you… around?”
“Ah…” Nora awkwardly laughs and takes a step back from me. What? “I don't know, Swann. It is really fucking nice seeing you again.”
“But..?”
“But it might be better if we keep our distance, you know?”
“Oh. I don't, actually…” I feel like the air I'm breathing in is not enough to keep me standing right now. My head feels weightless.
“It's not fair, alright? You can't just appear like that…” she whispers so low I can barely make out the words. “I'm sorry, Swann.”
“I just- I didn't mean anything by it, I mean, I'm going to see you around campus either way, won't I?” I'm trying my hardest not to cry just out of the pure shock her reaction is causing me.
“Y-yeah. That's fine, I guess. But I don't think I can just… see you like this. Like normal, out of nowhere.”
“Nor,” I thought we were doing well… but I guess it makes sense that it would be too much for her. I just don't get why she is suddenly running away like this, is she not even capable of saying ‘see you around’ without meaning it? “I understand.”
“You don't,” she brushes her delicate fingers against mine for a millisecond before backing away again, faster than ever this time, “I'm not the same person anymore, Swann. As I'm sure they told you already…” she mutters this last part.
“I'm only seeing Nora here.”
“Well, let's keep it that way, huh?” I can't detect a single hint of anger in her voice, or even sarcasm, she really means this. But… why? Why can't I meet the new her?
Before I can even say anything else she's slowly taking more steps back, until she finally turns her back on me and runs away like our lives depended on this… this distance.