Chapter Text
When I woke up in Sakusa’s bed the next morning, our position was still the same.
I’d wondered if he was still sleeping, but when I looked up at his face, he had already been looking at me. He smiled and said: “Good morning, beautiful.”
I rubbed my eyes, hoping I really did look beautiful, and said: “Good morning.”
“Want some breakfast?”
Again, my stomach growled. I couldn’t believe it. And Sakusa must have heard it, since he smiled and said: “I guess so.”
I still felt pretty tired, so I had trouble following the conversation. Sakusa went to the bathroom and then I’d heard him in the kitchen, making breakfast.
I dozed off again, until I heard Sakusa calling:
“I’m almost done, Akaashi.”
I quickly got up and went to the bathroom.
My hair was quite messy and I looked so tired.
I washed my face and tried to fix my hair.
When I got to the kitchen, Sakusa had already served the food and sat down.
It looked like some kind of porridge and it smelled very good.
“You can add some syrup, if you like, I never use sugar.”
I tried the first bite without adding anything first, but I just had to add some syrup then, since it really was not sweet at all.
He watched me as I took some, which was probably why I only took a little bit.
“Do you have any plans today?” He asked me.
Spend time with you seemed like a little too much, so I just said “No”.
“I have an art assignment and must go to the Nezu-Museum and write about it after. You know it?”
“I’ve never been.”
“Well, do you care for Japanese art?”
“Can I come?”
“I would like that very much.”
“Then I love Japanese art!” I said, smiling at him.
“Haha, it’s a date then.” After seeing me blush, he added: “A real one.”
I’m pretty sure I saw his pale white cheeks also turn a little pink.
After breakfast, we got dressed and headed straight to the museum.
I was a little disappointed because I was hoping we could make love again, but Sakusa ignored how tempting I put my clothes on. Maybe he still thought I needed to recover or something. But I was fine and I wanted him so badly.
The train we took was very crowded and I was pressed against him by all the people, especially the obese man right behind me.
Sakusa was wearing his mask, but I could tell how uncomfortable he still was, being around so many people.
Despite that, he pulled me towards the door we stood at and switched places with me. He must have noticed how close that man was and tried to protect me. My hero.
The man didn’t seem less pleased being pressed against my beautiful Sakusa.
I wanted to scratch his eyes out.
We finally got out of the train, just in time because my poor Sakusa looked like he almost fainted.
“Are you okay?” I asked him when we were on our way to the museum.
“I’m fine.” He said, still wearing his mask.
We didn’t talk much on the way and even less once we were inside.
The rooms were darker than I’d expected, the walls a muted gray that made the scrolls stand out. Most of them were landscapes — mountains, trees, rivers drawn with just a few strokes. I tried to figure out what I was supposed to notice, but my eyes kept drifting to him.
Sakusa stopped in front of one painting and took out his notebook. He leaned forward slightly, read the label, then looked back at the scroll. He wrote something down, paused, then added more. His handwriting was small and neat, like he was trying to fit everything onto the page.
I read the description and looked at the painting again. The mountain faded into nothing at the top. I thought it might be meant to calm people. It might not, I wasn’t sure. I ended up looking at Sakusa instead. He looked focused, lips pressed together, eyes squinting, completely serious. It struck me how different he seemed when he concentrated like that. And how he could possibly write so much about a painting with a bird sitting on a tree, which would have been exactly what I had written about it.
We moved on to the next room. There were tea ceremony bowls in glass cases, uneven and plain. One of them was cracked along the rim. I wouldn’t even have noticed if the label hadn’t pointed it out. Sakusa wrote something down again.
“You’re going to run out of pages,” I said, trying to tease him a little.
“I brought extras,” he replied, without looking up.
That made me smile, he was so cute.
“You’re really taking this seriously,” I said.
“I have to,” he answered. “It’s graded.”
That explanation felt sufficient. I nodded like I understood the bowls better now.
In another room, there were small statues, the gold worn thin in places. Sakusa didn’t write anything there. He just looked. I stood next to him, close enough that our arms slightly touched. I didn’t move away and neither did he.
When we came to the outside area, there was a garden that felt nice after all the narrow rooms. The path curved, stones set carefully into the ground. Sakusa finally closed his notebook and held it at his side.
“I think I’ve had enough,” he said.
I nodded. I didn’t really know what I thought of the art. Some of it was nice. Some of it I didn’t get. But watching Sakusa look at it was worth coming here.
We kept walking, following the path that led to the exit, and I tried to remember the paintings. Mostly, I remembered Sakusa looking at them, which was fine for me.
On our way back to Sakusa’s place, I noticed a small pastry shop and stopped to look at the show case. Sakusa came next to me and looked at the cakes.
“Do you want one?”
I looked up at him and said: “I would love to.”
“Okay.” Sakusa said and went inside.
“A table for two.”
The hostess greeted us, I thought she stared at Sakusa a little too long, and we followed her to a small table at the window.
There weren’t many people there, so very quickly a server came, also a woman who couldn’t stop staring at Sakusa, who then had removed his mask. She asked him: “Do you know, what you would like?”
“We’ll have two sencha teas.” He looked at me and asked: “What kind of cake would you like?”
“Uhm, the one with the strawberries?” Since the server wasn’t paying any attention to me, I only told Sakusa. He nodded and ordered for me.
She gave him a ridiculous smile and went away.
“She was flirting with you.” I quietly said, trying not to sound too upset.
“Was she now?” Sakusa said, reaching out for my hand.
My heart was racing when I remembered that I had nothing to worry about – Sakusa was mine.
We were still holding hands when the server came back. She was staring at our hands in disgust and placed the plate between us, giving me a brief look, saying: “Here you go. Anything else?”
“Would you like anything else, darling?”
I almost burst out laughing about Sakusa overdoing his rejection towards her.
I gave the waitress an overly friendly smile and said: “No, thank you. Oh, I love your hairdo.”
“Th- thank you.” She said and walked away.
Thinking of how much he disliked germs, I wanted to feed Sakusa with the first bite of my cake, but he said:
“You take the first bite. That fork might seem more friendly then.”
I smiled and started eating, trying to look elegant.
Just as I wondered if Sakusa had noticed all the waitresses staring at us, he said:
“I think I want to try that cake now. If you would feed me.”
I scooped up a delicious fork with just the right amount of cream and crust and fed it to him.
He looked me in the eyes as he took the fork into his mouth and smiled at me.
It was so unfair that one single person had so many beautiful features.
When we had finished, Sakusa paid for us and we left.
I was pretty sure I’ve heard one of them whisper “What a waste.”
Maybe Sakusa has heard them too, because he took my hand and held it until we were at the train station.
One of our teammates called and asked if Sakusa wanted to play some volleyball in the park. He’d asked me if I wanted to play and I nodded, because I didn’t want to ruin it for him.
So, even though we’d just gotten back to his place, we put our shoes back on and headed to the park.
The whole team was there, and they seemed to be happy I also had come, which was kind of a relief for me.
We played until dusk (I’ve gotten so much better!).
The captain decided it was time for dinner and said he’d invite us all.
I was very hungry, since we had kind of skipped lunch.
Sakusa asked me if I wanted to come and I nodded, quietly saying: “I’ll go wherever you go.”
“We’re coming, too” Sakusa said and we all went to an Izakaya that allowed middle schoolers.
I was afraid he would ignore me so that the others wouldn’t find out about us. But he was completely normal to me.
Since it was a traditional restaurant, we took off our shoes.
Sakusa and I sat next to each other, and he put his foot on mine. It made my heart race and my foot feel really warm. Him snuggling up to me like this, even if it was just his foot, made me feel completely happy.
When we were back at Sakusa’s place, he asked me:
“Did you have a great time?”
I smiled at him, saying: “The best.”
“You seem kind of sad, though. Or am I just really bad at reading you?”
I looked at the floor.
“It’s just… I don’t want to go home.”
He hugged me and whispered to me:
“You’ll see me on Monday. Pack up your things, I’ll take you home.”
I tried to walk really slow, but when we eventually got there and I had to say goodbye, I hugged Sakusa for as long as he’d let me and he stroked my back.
“Good night, Akaashi.” He said, as he let go of me.
“Good night, Sakusa.” I said, giving him my sweetest smile.
I went inside and took a bath. Spending all that time with Sakusa made me feel happier than ever. I had a boyfriend. He was mine and I was his.
I checked tomorrows timetable – Japanese, Math, English, Science, Music and remembered I still had some homework to do.
A few Math problems I was too nervous solving and for music class: Write about a classical piece
I remembered Sakusa’s music and wrote what I’d felt listening to it.
Then I did my math homework and had some pudding. My mom had bought it because it was my favorite and I wasn’t sure about my parents finding out I had spent the night at Sakusa’s place.
When I finally went to bed, I heard my parents come home, but pretended to be asleep, which, after a few minutes, I was.
I woke up from my alarm at 6:15, went to the bathroom and then had breakfast.
“Good morning.” My mom said, kissing my forehead.
“Good morning.”
“The house was surprisingly clean when we came home. Thank you for that.”
“I know how to clean up after myself.” I said, trying to sound convincing.
“You normally don’t.” She quietly said. I ignored it.
When I finished my rice, I got dressed and was on my way to school when I saw my boyfriend standing at the corner of the street. I walked faster and smiled when I had reached him.
“Good morning. I didn’t know you would pick me up; I would have hurried.”
“Good morning. That’s okay, I just got here. Did you sleep well?”
“I missed you.” I truthfully said.
He smiled and said: “I missed you, too.”
“Did you do something after I’d left?” I asked, trying not to sound sad.
“I was on the phone with my mother pretty long. We haven’t spoken in a while.”
That reminded me, I had no idea where his parents lived, so I asked:
“Do you visit them a lot?”
“Not really.”
Right then, we arrived at school and changed our shoes, and I couldn’t ask him why not.
“See you at lunch?” Sakusa asked.
I nodded and couldn’t wait.
I had Japanese with Hirano-sensei and it went by fast. Second period, math, didn’t and neither did English or science.
But as soon as the bell rang, I hurried to the door to meet Sakusa.
We went to our usual spot, and we even shared our lunches.
Sakusa had a beautiful bento with rice, fried chicken and vegetables. I once again felt childish for never having prepared my own bento.
The rest of the school day was okay and then at practice, I got to see Sakusa again. I never wanted anything to change. But it did.
When we’d been together for about a month, my parents found out and it had gotten pretty ugly.
I walked home with Sakusa after school, when he suddenly asked: “Why is your door open?”
When I looked at my house (I’d been staring at him), I saw a bunch of my things standing by the stairs and started running inside, to my room, knowing something had to be wrong.
“MOM?!” I shouted while hurrying upstairs, where I found her going through my things.
“What are you doing?” I asked, hardly keeping the tears from falling.
“Oh good, you’re back.”
“What are you doing?” I asked again, giving into the tears.
“I found a boarding school for confused kids like you. You’re going now.”
“No, NO! I’m not going anywhere, tell me what’s happening.”
“You can tell me, what’s been happening with that friend of yours. Ugh, forget it, I don’t want the details. It’s disgusting.”
The last word was said with so much hate it’d sent a chill down my spine. I knew it wouldn’t end well if my parents ever found out, but this seemed totally blown out of proportion.
“I am not going to any stupid boarding school.”
“Well, you can’t live here anymore.”
“Fine. I’m moving out. But if you send me to that school, I will tell Grandmother.”
My mom froze for a second. I knew it was the right thing to say. She’d always been afraid of her mother-in-law finding out the mistakes she makes, and she would definitely make me being gay my mother’s fault.
“I want you gone by the end of tonight.”
She left my room and I slumped down on my knees, trying to keep it together.
Then I remembered Sakusa, who might still be outside. I wiped my face and looked out the window. There he was in front of the house, looking like he was guarding it.
I texted him, letting him know I’d be right back and started quickly packing up everything I held dear. I even took the torn picture of me and Sakusa out of the trashcan. It was probably why I was in this situation, but it’d been our first picture together, so it was very important to me, and I did not regret at all having printed it out. I’d kept it under my pillow and, since I always did my own laundry, it felt like a safe place to keep it. I guess I was wrong.
With two bags and a backpack, I went downstairs, put my shoes on and wanted to slam the door as hard as I could, but I saw my stuff at the stairs.
Before I turned around, I tried to fix my face, but when Sakusa asked:
“What’s wrong?” in such a caring voice, I turned around and let the tears fall again.
“They found out about us,” I managed to say with a soft sob after every word.
“And kicked me out.”
Sakusa hugged me tightly. I didn’t care if anyone saw us.
When he pulled away from the hug, he looked at my bags and all the stuff by the stairs and said: “We might have to walk a couple of times. Is it okay if I ask my cousin to help us?”
I couldn’t believe how normal it was for him to take me in. I knew how much he needed his space.
“Uhm, I don’t want to bother anyone.”
“Oh, he loves helping with stuff. He’s one of those guys who can’t live without helping people. Trust me, you’d be saving his life. Especially after being hospitalized for weeks.”
I gave him a sad smile and nodded.
He texted him to meet us at his place and we took as much as we could and started walking.
After a few minutes, Sakusa said: “I’m so sorry you’re going through this because of me.”
I placed my hand on his arm and said: “Don’t be. Now I know exactly what I’m worth to my parents and I wouldn’t even go back in time to change anything. I’m very lucky to have you.”
Sakusa smiled but seemed worried.
When we got to Sakusa’s place, Komori stood there. When he noticed Sakusa, he came towards us and bowed his head in front of me, saying:
“Hello, I am Motoya Komori.”
I bowed back and said: “Keiji Akaashi, I didn’t know you were cousins. I saw you in school.”
He grabbed my bag and said: “Yeah, I had an accident and couldn’t come to school for really long. I’ve heard so much about you.”
We both looked at Sakusa, who was only rolling his eyes.
When we had walked back and forth twice, all my things were at Sakusa’s and it had gotten pretty late.
“You guys have plans for dinner?” Komori asked.
“It’s late. I’ll make something quick.” Sakusa said.
“Can I join you guys?”
“That’s up to Akaashi.”
“Uhm, sure. I would like that, Komori.”
Komori smiled at me and Sakusa went to the kitchen.
When he left, Komori asked: “Are you okay, Akaashi?”
I gave him a brave smile, knowing I probably still looked like I’ve been crying, and said: “I will be. I’m glad I have Sakusa.”
“Oh yeah, he’s great.”
I was overcome with an uncomfortable feeling of jealousy and had to remind myself that he was his cousin and had been very kind to help me.
“I’m sure you’ll meet his mom on his birthday. She’s so pretty!”
My look must have given me away. I never asked when his birthday was and it did not say on his facebook page.
After an “Oooh.”, that sounded like you don’t even know his birthday to me, he said: “It’s March 20.”
That was soon. I needed a present.
“Does Sakusa even like celebrating his birthday?”
“He will, if it’s just us family people.” Komori said, smiling at me.
“Will you help me get him a gift?” I quietly asked him.
“I would love that!” he said, right before Sakusa called us into the kitchen.
He had made Nanohana Karashiae, like the first time we ate together.
Sitting down with Sakusa and Komori, knowing that I might never go back home, brought tears to my eyes again.
I felt so childish. I didn’t want to care about being kicked out and I certainly didn’t want to cry about it. I never belonged there. I belong here with Sakusa.
Just as a tear rolled down my cheek, Sakusa put his hand on my leg and patted it.
Great, he noticed and thinks I’m completely ungrateful.
I smiled at him and said: “Thank you for the food.”
Komori had the decency to ignore my soft crying that went on the whole time we ate. Maybe he understood how I felt, maybe he just didn’t care.
He kept blabbering about how happy he was to go back to school.
When he said: “I can’t wait to come back to the team.” I was surprised and asked:
“You’re in the volleyball team?”
He smiled at me and nodded. Then he said: “Yeah, who do you think taught this one here all about volleyball?”
We both looked at Sakusa, who just scoffed and continued eating.
“I mean he turned out to be a little better than me, but I dragged him to the club in elementary school.”
“Why weren’t you in school for so long?”
“I broke my leg skiing.”
“Oh, I’m sorry about that.”
“It’s fine, I can come back now and I’m glad you spent lunch with Sakusa, I would have worried he was too lonely without me.”
Sakusa rolled his eyes again, but I had the feeling he and his cousin were actually very close.
“No, really. He hates people for the weirdest reasons.” Komori continued “In Elementary school, there was this girl who was actually kind of cute, and she liked Sakusa and followed him everywhere. He tolerated her, until one day when she had a bit of Choco cream in the corner of her mouth.”
Sakusa seemed annoyed and I wanted to know: “What did he do then?”
“He told her to never talk to him again. And he also never ate Choco cream again.”
“Really?” I asked, looking at Sakusa, who slowly let out an annoyed breath and then said: “It’s not healthy at all and I’m not a child.”
I thought he was so cute and felt weirdly relieved that he’d sent that little girl away.
When we were done, Sakusa cleared the table and told Komori he’d better go home so his parents won’t have to worry.
Komori hugged me and said: “Good night, Akaashi, I’ll see you in school, I can’t wait.”
I reluctantly hugged him back and said: “Good night and thanks again for all your help.”
“Don’t worry, we’re practically family.”
I blushed and Sakusa said: “Stop frightening Akaashi and go home.”
Komori giggled and then left.
I went to the kitchen and asked Sakusa: “Do you need help?”
“No thank you, Akaashi. I am almost done. Why don’t you change and go sit down on the couch?”
I nodded, still feeling that lump in my throat.
As soon as I sat down on the couch like I’d been told, the tears began to fall again. I felt so stupid. I was not a little kid, I was able to take care of myself, and I was sure I’d be much happier if I wouldn’t have to live with my parents anymore.
Maybe it was because now I knew just how much I meant to them.
Sakusa sat down next to me and put his arm around me, saying: “Everything is going to be okay. I promise.”
And then I just let it all out. I cried and cried until his shirt was all wet.
“I’m sorry.”
“It’s okay.” He said, looking like he had to tell himself that, too. Great, I thought now he is totally grossed out. I sat up straight and tried to wipe the tears away.
He handed me a tissue.
When I felt a little less disgusting, I told him: “Please don’t get me wrong, getting to live with you is like a dream come true. I’m just so angry that they threw me out like that.”
“Oh, I get that.” Sakusa said.
“And I really don’t want to bother you, I know you need your alone-time.”
He stroked my cheek and said: “Don’t worry about that. I’ve had plenty of that since I moved in here by myself.”
“How did that even happen? Do your parents also hate you?”
“Akaashi, your parents don’t hate you. They just don’t understand you. My mother went back to Korea, and I wanted to stay here.”
“Back to… your mom is… you are… Korean?!”
I hoped I didn’t sound too shocked. No wonder that cool guy from my mom’s Korean drama reminded me so much of Sakusa.
He smiled at me and said: “Half, actually. My mom met my father in Japan, but he died when I was very young. My stepfather is also Japanese, but he got a job in Korea six months ago, so they decided to move there together and I wanted to stay here. Since my Aunt, Komori’s mother promised to take care of me when I needed something, my mother was okay with it.”
“Oh. Sorry about your father.”
“It’s okay. I don’t even remember him.”
“My father was never really present. He would come home from work, barely pay attention to me, drink beer and watch TV until he fell asleep in the living room. As a child, I yearned for his attention so badly that I sometimes stood in front of the TV to make him look at me. But instead of talking to me, or even looking at me, he told my mom that I needed something. It was only ever her job to deal with me. That must have been some kind of agreement. He never praised or scolded me. He just tolerated me like some kind of foreign guest in his house. On the weekends, we usually ate dinner together, but my parents would always just talk about shallow things that really bored me. No wonder I turned out to be such a disappointment.”
Sakusa kissed my forehead and said: “To me, you’re everything, Akaashi.”
My heart started racing. With that, he blew away all those bad emotions. I felt so happy that I just had to kiss him.
He didn’t seem to mind and lay down on the couch, pulling me on top of him. And then, I came up with something I could do to thank him for what he was doing for me.
I scootched down and pulled down his pants a bit. Also his underwear and I wanted to try what I’ve fantasized about since we became a couple.
I lowered my head, but before my lips could touch the tip of his dick, he held me back.
“Akaashi, don’t do that. It’s very dirty.”
I looked at him with pure desire in my eyes, saying: “But I want to thank you for taking me in.”
He smiled and pulled his pants back up. Then he said: “I hope that’s not how you would normally thank people.”
“No.” I said. “Just my boyfriend.”
“Well, your boyfriend should not expect you to sink so low. It’s my pleasure taking you in. Come on, let’s go to bed.”
I was so disappointed. I had been looking forward to this so much and he doesn’t want it? Ever? I got up and changed into my sleeping clothes.
When I came to bed, he took me in his arms, and I snuggled up to his chest.
“How do you feel?” He asked me.
“Good. I’m with you.”
Sakusa huffed a small laugh and kissed my forehead.
Then I asked him: “How do you feel?”
“I feel good. This will work out, I’m sure.”
“I promise I’ll be a good roommate. Did you ever have a roommate before me?”
“He was just here.”
“Really? Komori? What happened?”
“I kicked him out. He was messy.”
He must have noticed how I held my breath. I was not messy per se. I just wasn’t very neat either.
He laughed a bit and said: “Don’t worry, I’ll be more patient with you than I was with him.”
“Okay” I said meekly.
“My mother wants to meet you, by the way. I told her about you, and I guess she was very surprised about me wanting to be close to someone and she insisted on coming for my birthday.”
“Oh.” That really made me nervous, because I immediately thought, how could I possibly make her like me, when I couldn’t even make my own mother like me?
“Don’t worry, Akaashi. It’s a good thing. I never really spend time with friends, because I normally find everyone disgusting. I’m sure you noticed, I’m a bit different.”
Of course I noticed.
“Even as a child?”
“Hm, it’s started when I was about six. My father had died three years ago, and this other man was supposed to be my new father. At first, I only didn’t want him touching me and when I noticed how different I looked from the other kids, I’d found out that I wasn’t just Japanese, like they were. I’ve felt so different and I really started obsessing with germs. Then there were some other… incidents.”
My poor Sakusa shivered a little when he said that last word. And then he said:
“My mother always says it could help if I talk about it, but I’ve never even told anyone before. You probably think I’m a basket case.”
I had to giggle.
“I do not! I think it’s kind of cute. I hope you get along better with your stepfather now.”
“Oh, I got along fine with him. I just didn’t like him ruffling my hair or kissing me good night. I even slapped his face once when he’d tried. I think he just thought it was the normal you’ll never replace my daddy behavior. Until I never wanted to play with other kids, except Motoya.”
“He was okay because you’re related to him?”
“Maybe. I’m not sure. He’s just always been there, and I’d gotten used to him before I even was like this.”
“Hmm.” I snuggled up to Sakusa. It felt so good to learn new things about him and it was definitely taking my mind off my own problems. I carefully asked:
“Do you want to tell me about these incidents?”
He took a couple of deep breaths, then he said:
“After I went on a class trip in third grade, a kid told me he’d been using my toothbrush the whole trip, because he’d forgotten his own. I had to be picked up from school, because I felt so sick. And I stayed home a whole week.”
“That’s… disgusting. But I guess it would have been fine, if you had never found out about it.”
“Maybe. Who knows. Then there was a home video my mom showed me because my dad was in it. I was a baby, he held me in his arms and my pacifier fell on the floor. It showed my mother picking it up and putting it back into my mouth. I threw up after seeing that video.”
I really had to fight the urge to smile. Imagining kid Sakusa seeing a video of baby Sakusa was just so cute.
He continued: “Just thinking about it makes me want to un-invite her.”
“But some people say germs are good for you, so your body can learn to fight sicknesses.”
“Well, if I avoid people, I think I can avoid most sicknesses.”
“I hope I never get sick.”
“I’ll find you a nice hotel, then.”
I looked at his face to see if he was being serious and seeing him smile made me feel relieved. He never really made a lot of jokes and if he did, his voice stayed the same, so it was sometimes hard to tell.
We lay there a few minutes and when I thought he was asleep, I looked at his face and whispered: “I love you.”
He opened his eyes and looked back at me.
My heart was racing. I hadn’t planned on telling him just yet.
He smiled at me and said: “I love you, too.”
Despite what had happened with my mother, I couldn’t remember ever feeling happier in my life.