Work Text:
The Taming of the Fuckboy (and why you’re not Shane Hollander)
By Anna Silver
Don’t let this feed your delusions.
That was the joke echoed through my group chat after the news broke that Shane Hollander and Ilya Rozanov have not just been together for over a decade—they were “unofficial” for seven years.
Seven years. That’s longer than the entire run of One Direction. Longer than the expiration date for a can of tuna. Longer than the worst of the Spanish flu pandemic.
Obviously, there were extenuating circumstances in the name of, say, rampant homophobia in the NHL.
But there’s one reason that I think this seven-year commitment-less streak goes deeper than that: Ilya Rozanov.
Basically any woman who was in the Boston club scene from 2010-2016 has a Rozanov story.
There are Medium articles galore. One woman says Rozanov did tequila shots off her chest, then hooked up with her twin sister. Another says he told her he ‘did not want her in his home’ and offered to have sex on his motorcycle. Another says she had a threesome with him and yet another, a foursome.
There are no repeat customers, with the notable exception of hockey nepo baby Svetlana Vetrova.
Maybe it takes a connection to his beloved sport to tame a fuckboy. Or maybe it just takes a pair of beautiful baby brown eyes.
Whatever the case, I want all of my fellow girls and gays to hear me loud and clear when I say this: You are not Shane Hollander.
There is a reason he was able to drag Rozanov kicking and screaming to the Ottawa suburbs.
Hollander’s cultured, practically angelic with how virginal he is. More than that, he’s at a level of money and success most of us can only dream of.
He is, simply put, exceptional.
Don’t try this one at home. If that hot douchebag’s not texting you back, block his number. If it gets too serious and he calls it quits, for the love of God, let him.
You’re not going to end up hoisting trophies and gracing Vogue covers together. You’re just going to end up sad, lonely, and perpetually staring at your phone.
Trust me when I say you’d be much better off with a Scott Hunter type.
kip grady love bot @scottcunterr
I don’t understand this article that’s like “Ladies, you are not Hollander. Date a Hunter instead!” Ma’am these men are gay, you know that right?
Claire @clairebear81
Analyzing Rozanov and Hollander’s relationship and reducing homophobia in the NHL to a footnote is the most bizarre “journalism” I’ve ever seen
lucy ୨୧ @iluvluceey
Literally. And they didn’t even bring up the Russia of it all??? Just called him a slut and hit post?
dove ‹𝟹 @rozsbeartattoo
Probably not the time ik but if I was the woman who had to watch Rozanov take home my twin sister, I’d be an only child within 24 hours 🔪
for the gays @rozanovslapdog
I’ve seen a lot of weird hot takes about Hollanov but “Hollander bagged Rozanov by being virginal” might be the worst
bebe “is smart and right” @moony4hollanov
Omg I know like you think he gave up being a wh*re for a man who’s not riding it left right and backwards??? Babeeee
charlie @shaneholeander
What is the message here exactly? That if we’re successful enough, fuckboys won’t leave us?
greyson ₊˚｡ ❆ @m0therpuck3r17
The idea that Hollander “dragged Rozanov kicking and screaming” to the Ottawa suburbs is hilarious. Rozanov proudly owns a dozen pairs of boots for his dog. He’s regularly spotted at farmer’s markets picking out produce with his mother in law WITHOUT HOLLANDER
kj ²⁴ @kyliebluejeans
“Poor Rozanov being forced into domesticity :((” meanwhile I know that man is separating his lights from his darks with the biggest smile on his face
anya unofficial @hollanoveru
everyone’s discoursing Rozanov’s WAG status, meanwhile I’m here reeling over the fact that cans of tuna have expiration dates??
soph @freckleshanes
“Every woman in Boston has a Rozanov story” is real obviously but someone must have a Hollander story, right? Feels infantilizing and unlikely that he’s only ever slept with Rozanov (and pls don’t tag R*se L*ndry, her fans scare me lol)
John Reid @johnfitnessbos
I dooo lmfao my friends told me to reply to this and I wasn’t going to, but what the hell? I topped Hollander while on vacation in Cabo in 2014. He didn’t think I recognized him…he told me his name was Tim and I just went along with it lol
John Reid @johnfitnessbos
I honestly assumed it would be his first time with a guy because he was really nervous, but he proved me wrong quick. 9/10 bottom, would fuck again and tried to but when I saw him with his boys the next day, he literally ran away
John Reid @johnfitnessbos
I don’t have any proof of this obviously but I do have a pic with @HaydenPikeHockey who was a super nice guy, even when I told him I’m a Bears fan. And yes, the hickey I have in this pic is from Hollander. Dude was quiet but eager
average shane hollander enthusiast @shanesw1ns
OH MY GODDD????
soph @freckleshanes
Wait, I need to know, why 9/10? What did he lose points for?
John Reid @johnfitnessbos
Lol I wasn’t thinking too much about the number but idk, he was a bit odd? He stopped to fold his clothes before we fucked and he didn’t rly make eye contact with me. Weird vibes all around
The Unholy Trinity
Hayden: Shane, is this true? @johnfitnessbos: I dooo lmfao
Shane: Oh my God
Hayden: WAIT IS IT ACTUALLY TRUE??
J.J.: No fucking way
J.J.: I don’t remember you pulling on that trip
Hayden: Do you remember ANYTHING from that trip? You were 90 percent tequila
J.J.: As if you weren’t
Hayden: Sure but only one of us spent 30 minutes shouting “giddy up” while attempting to climb a horse statue and it wasn’t me
J.J.: It wasn’t me either. I think that was Mark
Hayden: Oh. Okay I may have been 92 percent tequila
Shane: Hayden why the fuck did you take a picture with him?
Hayden: I don’t know! I have no memory of this but I assume we just talked hockey. Sorry I didn’t stop to say, “Hey, did you happen to rail my deeply closeted best friend last night? I don’t actually know that he’s gay yet but I like to double check” that’s my bad I guess
Shane: Jesus
Shane: I really thought he knew nothing about hockey. I can’t believe he was a big enough fan to recognize you of all people
Hayden: That’s the meanest thing you’ve ever said to me and I’m including years worth of “constructive criticism” at practice in that
J.J.: Can we talk about him being a Boston fan though? Is that a kink for you?
Hayden: Fantastic question
Shane: I thought he didn’t watch hockey! He said he watched football
Hayden: Some people watch both bud
Shane: Ugh I don’t get Americans
Shane: What do I do? Do I do something?
Shane: Ilya’s sleeping. I think this guy needs to go into witness protection before he wakes up
Hayden: Sorry I can’t get over this actually being real. I kind of thought Rozanov was the only guy you’d slept with
J.J.: Same
J.J.: I used to think that was why they were together
Hayden: Yes me too! Like Shane just didn’t know there’s better dick out there
Shane: There’s not.
Hayden: Ew
Hayden: Wait so was it bad? This guy’s hot as fuck man
Shane: It wasn’t bad. He just wasn’t Ilya.
Hayden: Ugh I hate how romantic that is
J.J: I have so many questions. Like why did you make your fake name Tim?
Shane: I panicked and thought of Tim Hortons
J.J.: SHANE 😂
Hayden: I just laughed so hard I got a cramp
J.J.: The fact that this is the same man who pulled Rose Landry should be studied in a lab
Hayden: Did you tell your next hookup that your name was Horton?
Shane: I hate you both
Shane: Okay seriously what do I do? Should I run Ilya’s phone over with my car?
J.J.: Does he not know you’ve slept with other guys?
Shane: He knows
J.J.: Then what’s the problem?
Hayden: HAHA
Hayden: Good one
Hayden: One time, a woman hit on Shane at a bar and Rozanov looked like he was gonna burn the whole place down. The next day, Shane had like 301023 hickeys
Hayden: And that was a woman!
Shane: Sometimes I think he forgets I’m gay
J.J.: Literally how
Shane: Unclear
Hayden: He sort of just goes feral when people look at Shane
Shane: Yeah his jealousy doesn’t really have a concept of gender
Hayden: He’s an equal opportunity jealous freak. I guess it’s kind of inclusive
J.J.: Okay, new plan. Wake him up and show him while you’re on FaceTime with us. Sounds hilarious
Hayden: Ew no it’s gonna get sexual so fast
Shane: I have to leave for a photoshoot in a few, should I cancel?
Hayden: What? No you should not cancel and lose out on what’s probably a stupid amount of money because your husband thinks he has retroactive sole custody of your asshole
J.J.: Hayden do you ever consider deleting texts instead of hitting send
Hayden: Of course not
Shane: God this is a nightmare
Shane: I don’t know what Ilya’s gonna hate more. The fact that it’s the guy who topped me or the fact that he made fun of me for folding my clothes
J.J.: You actually fold your clothes before sex?
Hayden: Wait the guy who topped you? Is there another guy you slept with who didn’t top you???
Hayden: ANSWER ME SHANE HOLLANDER
Chiron Fan Club
Bood: Omg have you guys seen this?
Bood: @johnfitnessbos: I dooo lmfao
Dykstra: Bood how the fuck do you find these things so fast? You have a child
Bood: I can multitask!
Luca: Oh wow. This post is very cruel
Young: cruel??
Holmberg: it’s lowkey hilarious lol
Luca: I don’t think you should rate people you have sex with. I would be sad if someone did that to me
Holmberg: idk 9/10 would boost my ego
Luca: That makes me sad for you too
Holmberg: Hey!!
Young: Haasy 💀
Dykstra: Okay but is this real? And if so, how long do we think this guy has left on earth?
LaPointe: 5 seconds
Bood: Roz isn’t answering because he’s en route with a tarp and bleach
Troy: Ilya’s with me, we’re on a fishing trip
Dykstra: WITHOUT ME?
Bood: Wait what?
Troy: Guys, be cool. Our captain needs an alibi
Dykstra: OH okay yeah I’m on the fishing trip too
Bood: Uh huh you guys stopped by my place for lunch on the way
Wyatt: And tomorrow, Roz and I will be at comic con together!!
Bood: Hazy no
Holmberg: no one’s buying that shit
Wyatt: 😔
Ilya: Hi sweetheart. Yuna could help me get a hunting license, yes?
Shane: Ilya.
Shane: Just ignore it. Please
Ilya: Ignore what? I would like to kill some moose. Just need some help with my application
Shane: Sure. You’re deathly afraid of loons but not afraid to kill moose
Ilya: Very ugly, evil moose
Shane: Ilya…
Ilya: How can I ignore this? I am sick to my stomach
Ilya: 9 out of 10? NINE OUT OF TEN?
Ilya: “Weird vibes”????
Ilya: He should buy lottery tickets because he is the luckiest man on earth
Ilya: He should get on his knees and thank god everyday that he got to fuck you
Shane: Oh my God stop
Ilya: What? I do that
Shane: You’re my husband. He’s some guy I had drunk sex with years ago
Ilya: Please stop talking about it. I will throw up
Shane: I told you to ignore it!!
Ilya: Hard to ignore
Ilya: He is very handsome. Tall. Nice arms
Shane: Please tell me you’re not jealous. You’re literally my husband
Ilya: Yes. I am. I will remind you tonight
Shane: You know I’d never forget
Ilya: Oh? So you don’t want to come 9 times this weekend?
Shane: Okay yes obviously but whatever you do, please just promise me you won’t respond to him
Shane: Ilya??
John Reid @johnfitnessbos
I dooo lmfao my friends told me to reply to this and I wasn’t going to, but what the hell? I topped Hollander while on vacation in Cabo in 2014. He didn’t think I recognized him…he told me his name was Tim and I just went along with it lol
Ilya Rozanov ✔️ @IlyaRozanovWins
What a sad life you have. Not only do you bully men much more beautiful than you, you beg Hayden Pike for pictures? Pathetic
John Reid @johnfitnessbos
Omg dude, chill. We slept together once. I’m not after your man
Ilya Rozanov ✔️ @IlyaRozanovWins
Yet you are still posting about him years later, desperate for seconds. He’s hard to resist, I know. Too bad he will never be yours
Shane: Seriously?
Ilya: What?
Ilya: I was very nice! I could have said that he looks like he listens to Drake when he's sad
Ilya: Or that he looks like he brags about driving a Prius everyday
Ilya: Or that he looks like he calls his mom by her first name
Shane: Literally what are these insults
Ilya: Not insults. Just facts
Shane: Well you look like someone who’s not getting laid tonight if you post again
Shane: And that’s a fact
Ilya: 🤐
trace @hollanovweddingofficiant
So Shane Hollander bottom confirmed and Ilya Rozanov jealous freak confirmed? Two least surprising Hollanov lore drops in history
Jill @gingeralencoke
Wait Hollander folding his clothes before sex is so on brand and honestly so sweet!!
victoria @rozbian
DMing him the autism diagnosis criteria rn immediately
dove ‹𝟹 @rozsbeartattoo
I didn’t think Rozanov could get any hotter but seeing him all possessive…I need a cold compress
bebe “is smart and right” @moony4hollanov
Rozanov really is the hater of all time because what do you mean he made sure to shit on Hayden Pike in his horny jealous post 😭 I’m inspired, I have simply not been hating to my full potential
hollanov's secret love child @holand3rrozanvv
I’m still dying laughing imagining being approached by a famously hot man who is famous for his hot face and he goes “uh, hi, I’m Tim” thinking you’ll buy it
Asha @himbolover365
No literally and like with a lot of other hockey players it would work…Shane baby do you know your mother has you on billboards across north america?
Chiron's Third Dad @centaurtrashh
Guys, can we start crowdsourcing Rozanov’s bail fund NOW?
⁸¹ Winona @winonar3ads4
He’s a millionaire, I’m leaving it to him. I’ll be at the trial with “free my boy” signs though
Dawn @breakofdawn24
Not enough of my mutuals are talking about how hilarious it is that this guy is a Bears fan. He was probably like “well I bagged an NHL player but too bad it wasn’t Rozanov” not knowing that he was one hole away from Rozanov the whole time
steph @stephaknee2
I mean with his dating history, we really could all be one hole away from Rozanov without knowing it
for the gays @rozanovslapdog
This made me shed a tear. Beautiful
Tatum @tatumc3ns
“Omg, Rozanov is so possessive of Hollander!” yes I know, I have seen him play against the Voyageurs
RJ @rjscovers
Waaait are we rating gay NHL players in bed tho? I’ll go!! I slept with Luca Haas in 2021, 6/10, whiniest bottom you will ever meet in your LIFE
Mads @madaline_centaurs1
HUH? WHY IS HAAS IN THIS??
kai @hausofhaas
LEAVE MY BOY ALONE!! PLS GET THIS WIPED FROM THE INTERNET RN IMMEDIATELY @OttawaCentaurs @HarrisDrover @HolmbergPlaysHockey @youngott @Beyonce
Jordan @twinkadjacent
? Did I wake up in an alternate universe where being a whiny bottom is a bad thing
lynn 🐝 lesbian rights @barrettsbiceps
Oh if I was an NHL gay I’d be scared right now
centaurs nursery
Young: Luca…
Young: brace yourself
Luca: What?
Young: @rjscovers: Waaait are we rating
Luca: NOOOO
Luca: Why?!
Luca: What did I do???
Young: whine apparently
Holmberg: SIX OUT OF TEN?
Holmberg: bro that’s brutal. Wtf happened with this guy
Luca: I think he’s the guy I slept with in Tampa after we almost died
LaPointe: you slept with someone then??
Luca: Of course. You didn’t?
LaPointe: no I threw up in a bag and called my mom
Luca: I did that too
Young: wait what do you mean you THINK he’s the Tampa guy?
Luca: I don’t know. His face isn’t very memorable
Holmberg: well damn lol
Young: Get him Luca
Luca: I will be getting nothing
Luca: This is horrible! Why would he do this?
LaPointe: clout
Young: followers
Luca: :( :( :(
Holmberg: don’t worry, I’ve got you buddy!!
Luca: What?
RJ @rjscovers
Waaait are we rating gay NHL players in bed tho? I’ll go!! I slept with Luca Haas in 2021, 6/10, whiniest bottom you will ever meet in your LIFE
Alex Holmberg ✔️ @HolmbergPlaysHockey
Uhh I can personally attest to the fact that this is nonsense, man. Go lie about someone else or better yet, log tf off!!
hattie 💕 @holmbergsgirl
WAIT HUHHH???
nadia 🌈 @hazyhayess
Okay this is the weirdest fucking day in NHL social media history
centaurs nursery
Luca: ALEXANDER
LaPointe: DUDE
Young: do you guys have something to tell us???
Holmberg: what?
Young: you just told the whole world you fucked Luca
Holmberg: What? No I didn’t
Luca: PERASODNALLY ATTEST
Luca: you said you could PERSONALLY ATTEST
Luca: WHY
Young: …so did you or did you not sleep together
Luca: Absolutely not
Holmberg: we didn’t! I meant that I hear him have sex like all the time. our apartment building has thin walls and sometimes on the road he sexts Archie from the bathroom
Holmberg: Should I post that?
Luca: Do not.
Holmberg: Okay…I’m sure people will understand what I meant though
LaPointe: they absofuckinglutely will not my man
Young: I still think you guys fucked
The Secret Society of Stickhandlers
Troy added Holmberg to the chat
Holmberg: What is this?
Ilya: HOLMBERG? What did I miss while sharpening knives?
Shane: I hate that I’m only 75% sure you’re joking about the knives…
Ilya: What? Our knives are dull. Maybe I am making you a nice dinner
Shane: Uh huh…
Shane: and welcome Holmberg. Did you come out?
Holmberg: Come out???
Troy: Yeah, he just did. It seemed like a hasty thing so I figured he might need our support
Shane: Oh wow. Congrats
Ilya: Huh. I did not expect this one
Scott: Welcome kid. Here if you need anything
Eric: Hey, welcome
Eric: Is there something in the water in Ottawa though? Or is it just illegal for gay people to play anywhere else?
Scott: Seriously. Even one gay rookie in New York would be great…
Ilya: Shane is so hot that he turns people gay
Troy: That feels homophobic
Ilya: No. Just a fact. Look at him
Troy: At this point I'm afraid you'll kill me if I do
Baldwin: Hey man, welcome!
Luca removed Holmberg from the chat
Baldwin: Aww kid, let him in! Who cares if you slept with him once, aren’t you friends?
Luca: He’s not gay!!!
Lundin: That’s not cool. Just because he’s with a woman now doesn’t mean he’s not queer
Luca: WE NEVER SLEPT TOGETHER
Baldwin: The louder you text, the less I believe you
Ilya: Must have been a tough breakup 😢
Alex Holmberg ✔️ @HolmbergPlaysHockey
Just to clarify: I’m straight! All I meant was that I know about Luca’s personal relationships intimately as his best friend/roommate on the road/neighbor. All the best to the LGBTQ+ community, but I’m not a part of it
greyson ₊˚｡ ❆ @m0therpuck3r17
Sure Jan
anya unofficial @hollanoveru
Roger Crowell put the gun down and back away from the child…CROWELL I STG
syd @sydneeysmith
Maybe I’ve just been burned by too many straight men but I’m side-eyeing that “LGBTQ+”. I have never known a straight man who gets all the letters right. Here to play pretend if you need to go back in the closet though :)
lynn 🐝 lesbian rights @barrettsbiceps
I will remember you fondly, the 16 minutes where we had 5 openly queer players on the centaurs
kai @hausofhaas
“I know about Luca’s personal relationships intimately” so what I’m hearing is he had a threesome with Luca and Archie?
Jake @croissantsncups
Yes
Chiron's Third Dad @centaurtrashh
Yup definitely
⁸¹ shilo @shyshilowrites
Literally writing this as we speak, will post on ao3 soon, hopefully tomorrow!
WAGs and Proud 🏳️🌈
Kyle: Alright we’ve gotta talk about this trend. Is it a trend yet?
Harris: At 2 posts I’d say no but I’m worried it’ll keep spreading…
Shane: I hate everything about this
Harris: I don’t even know what to do I’ll be honest. I’m kinda just letting the chaos happen because it’s so absurd
Kyle: Lol you’re not gonna scold Ilya?
Harris: He knows what he’s done. And he knows what’s coming
Ilya: Please no…
Harris: Yes. Don’t worry, you’ll have Holmberg to keep you company in social media re-training! 😊
Harris: Sorry I don’t have more advice. I think wedding planning has fried my brain lol
Kip: You neeed a wedding planner. I would have died a thousand deaths without mine
Harris: Ugh I think you’re right. I can’t keep reviewing chair options. I don’t even know what a chair is at this point
Ilya: Just have no chairs. Problem solved
Archie: I don’t think you can do that
Ilya: Shane and I did
Archie: wait really?
Harris: They really did. Or didn’t I should say
Kip: Yup. We all just…stood around
Archie: huh
Ilya: And yes I hate this “trend”. So evil and pathetic
Archie: yeah, poor Luca is so upset about his 6/10
Ilya: Tell him I do not believe it. I know I raised him better than that
Archie: Idk if that would help or hurt him right now lol but you are indeed right. 6 is such bullshit
Kip: Okay but Shane I need to know YOUR rating of this idiot
Kyle: omg yeah flip the fucking script
Shane: There’s no way I’m answering that in a group chat with my husband who may or may not be sharpening knives right now
Harris: 😂
Ilya: What? Why? Was he a 10?
Ilya: SHANE??
Shane: Relax it’s been literally 1 minute, I was talking to the shoot director
Ilya: So? Answer carefully
Shane: 0/10
Ilya: Good boy
Kip: Oh!
Kyle: 🥵
Archie: okay hot but I want your real answer
Shane: I will if Ilya agrees not to murder me
Ilya: Of course not. I will murder Jonathan
Shane: Who?
Ilya: The man who topped you
Shane: I swore his name was Jimmy
Kip: he sounds super memorable
Kyle: At least he’s ripped
Archie: yeah is he an athlete or something?
Ilya: He is a personal trainer. He also teaches classes at orangetheory fitness. Mostly strength training
Harris: Okay I know I said I wasn’t getting involved but please don’t go too far stalking people…
Ilya: I won’t!
Ilya: His mom is a pre school teacher
Ilya: His dad works for the local government
Ilya: Local to their small town of 3202 residents in Georgia
Ilya: But he moved to Boston when he turned 18 to attend Emerson College
Ilya: Basic stuff
Shane: Ilya stop whatever you’re planning
Ilya: I am not planning anything
Shane: I really don’t want you in jail
Archie: okay murder aside, we still need the rating!
Shane: Oh
Shane: Probably like a 5?
Ilya: Hmm.
Kip: Damn. He didn’t even beat whiny Luca
Archie: STOP
Kyle: I need more information
Shane: He was very…gentle
Kip: Is that a compliment or an insult?
Ilya: Insult. Definitely insult
Archie: wait define gentle
Kip: Archie are you such an aggressive top that you don’t know what gentle means?
Archie: I wanna know what his definition of it is!
Kip: Sureee
Kyle: Well he does have a whiny bottom on his hands
Archie: enough 💀 he was not wrong about that part though lmao
Harris: I wanna know what he means by gentle too!
Kip: Does everyone in this chat like it rough?
Harris: Yes
Archie: I mean, Luca does
Kyle: depends on the day
Harris: Me too! I only like it rough on days that end in Y
Archie: 💀
Kyle: Lmaooo
Shane: Ilya are you going to pop a blood vessel if I give details?
Ilya: No.
Kyle: How convincing
Shane: Whatever
Shane: I kept asking him to go harder and finally he was like “What do you want me to do? Concuss you with the headboard?”
Harris: I mean…yes?
Kip: Harris 😂
Ilya: Is he the stupidest man alive?
Ilya: Oh I have gorgeous perfect Shane Hollander in my bed and I am not even going to fuck him right
Shane: He also kept calling me “baby” which was sort of weird since I barely knew him
Ilya: awoekesndbd
Ilya: Sorrt dropped my phone
Shane: Deep breaths
Kyle: Okay but you do realize he probably did that because he felt weird moaning your obviously fake name, right?
Shane: Ohhhh
Kip: I think the name itself was the problem. No one wants to moan Tim
Kyle: This coming from a man who calls himself Kip by choice
Kip: And Scott has no problem moaning it
Archie: 👀
Kyle: Touché
Ilya: Baby? BABY? You are not his baby
Shane: Yes, I’m aware
Ilya: How ridiculous. Maybe he thought he was your dad since he is so old
Ilya: and ugly. Like the oldest ugliest man ever in history
Kip: I can tell the jealousy is tearing you apart because these aren’t even good insults
Ilya: Jonathan will be torn apart soon
Kip: Oh damn
Shane: Please, please don’t kill him
Harris: I’ve gotta second that. Rebranding a murderer is so above my pay grade
Kip: …also murder is bad
Harris: Sure that too
Shane: Ilya??
Ilya: I won’t
Shane: Don’t seriously injure him either
Shane: Promise me
Ilya: I promise my baby
Kyle: Ilya’s gonna have a tramp stamp that says “Shane Hollander’s one and only baby” by the end of the week huh?
Kip: Without a doubt
Ilya: I need a favor
Svetlana: Anything
Svetlana: Unless this is about your stupid feud with the man who slept with your husband years ago
Ilya: Please?
Svetlana: No. Hollander adores you even though he is out of your league. Stop being an idiot
Svetlana: Or at least stop involving me in it
Bear Cave (feat. Rozy) 🐻🥃
Ilya: Hello boys! I need a favor, no questions allowed
Connors: What’s up cap?
Carmichael: Man it’s been years. At a certain point you have to stop calling him cap
Connors: Once our cap, always our cap 🫡
Marlow: Agreed. You good Rozy?
Ilya: Sure
Ilya: I need one of you to take a strength training class with Jonathan at orangetheory fitness in Attleboro
Hammersmith: You can’t say no questions asked and then tell us to drive out to fucking Attleboro
Carmichael: Yeah I’d rather deal with Rose Landry era Rozy at practice again
Marlow: Bullshit
Connors: No fucking way. I still have nightmares about the Landry era
Carmichael: Okay fine but the point stands. I’m too fucking old and weary to spend an hour in traffic
Marlow: Why exactly do you want us to take his class? He a buddy of yours or something?
Connors: Yeah I don’t wanna use a regular gym like a commoner unless there’s a good reason
Hammersmith: Commoner is crazy bro
Ilya: I said no questions!
Marlow: Okay but…we train with the guy? That’s it?
Ilya: You train with him and then you kill him
Connors: What?
Marlow: Wtf are you on about man
Ilya: Just put a little poison in his water bottle. He is very dumb, he won’t notice
Hammersmith: Anyone have Hollander’s number? This feels like a cry for help
Ilya: Ugh you are all so boring. Fine, we will do plan B.
Carmichael: If plan A was literal homicide I’m scared to find out what plan B is
Ilya: Seduce him, date him for 10 months, propose, plan and personally fund a gorgeous wedding with chairs and everything, then leave him at the altar.
Connors: 10 months is so specific
Carmichael: THAT’S what you’re focused on?
Ilya: Hammy, you should do it. He likes brunettes
Carmichael: Well best of luck Hammy! See you at the bachelor party!!
Hammersmith: Am I homophobic if I say no
Ilya: Yes
Marlow: Obviously not
Ilya: He is a top so he will help you learn about the wonders of your prostate. Will be fun!!
Hammersmith: Uhhhh
Marlow: Rozy what the hell’s going on? What did this Jonathan guy do to you?
Connors: Wait hold on
Connors: Isn’t the guy who posted about sleeping with Hollander named John?
Marlow: Oh my GOD
Hammersmith: You CANNOT be serious
Ilya: Of course I am serious
Ilya: He called my husband a 9/10!!!
Connors: Feels like a compliment to me
Ilya: One short of perfection? That is the worst thing you can call Shane Hollander
Ilya: And he made fun of his clothes folding! Does he have no heart? No soul?
Carmichael: Hollander ACTUALLY folds his clothes before sex?
Ilya: Yes. Have you met him?
Carmichael: Fair enough
Connors: ya know, that tracks
Hammersmith: So the guy’s not into laundry foreplay. That doesn’t sound murder worthy to me
Ilya: “9/10 bottom, would fuck again” Would fuck again!!! He said that for the world to see. For ME to see
Ilya: You would all be fine with someone saying this about your girls?
Carmichael: Well damn. The mob boss has a point
Connors: Yeah okay I’d lose my shit too. Go put on some short shorts Hammy
Hammersmith: Can’t someone else do it? Idk how to pick up a gay guy let alone fuck one
Carmichael: And you think we do?
Ilya: I will help you. Will be easy. He is a Bears fan
Carmichael: Wait he’s a Bears fan and he fucked Hollander?!
Connors: Wtf
Ilya: I know! Who would do that? No loyalty
Connors: Oh wait
Marlow: You guys are so fucking dumb, no amount of CTE justifys it
Connors: Coming from Captain Rocks for Brains, that hurts
Carmichael: justifies*
Marlow: Correcting me isn't going to fool anyone into thinking you're smart
Marlow: and okay, I’m gonna say it. Is that actually your problem or is it that he fucked Hollander once?
Hammersmith: Oh my god it totally is
Connors: Landry era Rozy is returning…I’m scared
Carmichael: It’s okay, he’s Ottawa’s problem now, he can’t hurt you
Marlow: Rozy, this is so fucking hypocritical
Ilya: He is mine!!!
Hammersmith: You make it sound like he’s your toy
Ilya: Well I do like playing with him
Carmichael: Ew
Marlow: You’ve gotta be cool about this. You lost any right to be pissed after fucking like 3928383 people
Carmichael: Yeah I once watched you take a girl home, then come back to the club an hour later to take another girl home
Connors: I once watched you ask 2 girls to have a threesome because you “couldn’t pick which one was hotter”. The worst part was they said yes
Marlow: Remember when he slept with St-Simon’s sister?
Hammersmith: No!!!
Ilya: Never happened
Carmichael: Dude seriously? Spit shake oath so Rozy doesn’t wind up dead in a ditch
Marlow: Oh right
Hammersmith: Wait can I admit something (non homophobic) now that enough time has passed since Pike’s idiotic leak
Connors: Sure?
Hammersmith: When I found out about Rozy and Hollander, my first thought was “Well I guess he fucked his way through North America and ran out of options”
Connors: 😂😂😂
Carmichael: FAIR
Ilya: No. He has always been the only option
Hammersmith: Awww
Carmichael: Call me Ilya Rozanov after getting a text from his “Montreal girl” the way I’m blushing rn
Connors: Man if you told 2014 me that Rozy would become the most romantic monogamous guy I’d know, I’D LAUGH IN YOUR FACEEE
Carmichael: “The guy who just did cocaine off a stripper’s tits? Sure sweetie”
Hammersmith: 😂
Marlow: Really though, you guys are stupid obsessed with each other. I promise it doesn’t matter if he fucked some other guy years ago
Hammersmith: Seriously. My wife’s always sending me edits of you guys like “Why don’t you look at me like this?!”
Connors: It’s nauseating (in a non homophobic way)
Ilya: Ugh. You’re all useless
Marlow: Just smoke a cigarette and fucking relax
Ilya: I don’t smoke anymore
Marlow: Ah right
Connors: I can hear the whip noises from here
Carmichael: Does that leash Hollander keeps you on ever chafe your neck?
Hammersmith: Lmaooo
Marlow: This isn’t gonna work on him, he fucking loves it
Ilya: I do
Ilya: But usually Shane is the one wearing a collar
Carmichael: Oh!!!
Connors: Noooo
Hammersmith: Man I miss when this relationship was still a secret (in a non homophobic way)
Marlow: I’m not even phased at this point
Marlow: Cool off, walk Anya, chill. Read the new posts, maybe that’ll distract you
Ilya: New posts???
Marlow: Oh yeah you haven’t seen? Shit’s catching on
Caleb T. @calebturner
My turn I guess? I slept with Scott Hunter in Ibiza in 2011. Offered to take him back to my hotel, he turned me down, sucked me off in a bathroom. Didn’t wanna share while he was closeted obviously, but I figure it can’t hurt now
Caleb T. @calebturner
Oh and 7/10 if I’m being honest
leo @leonardopereira11
I also slept with Hunter but in Athens in 2010. He topped me, 8/10
cal @vaughnybaby
I would be so mad if I was going full Magellan to get laid, only to find out the biggest asshole in the league has been having gay sex on the reg with his “sworn rival”
greyson ₊˚｡ ❆ @m0therpuck3r17
You think THAT’S BAD? Troy Barrett was Prime Minister Homophobe and he was dating a superhero 😭
Benson 🌈 @bensonbeautytutorials
This is such a niche trend, I can’t believe I can participate lol but I did in fact sleep with Ryan Price once. Super sweet guy with a MASSIVE heart and, well, everything else if ya catch my drift! 8.5/10
Claire @clairebear81
The glitter eyeshadow in your profile pic…oh he has a TYPE
Adrian Dela Cruz ✔️ @adriandelacruz
All I’m gonna say is these ratings feel generously high 🤭
lynn 🐝 lesbian rights @barrettsbiceps
and all I’m gonna say is Harris Drover was generous for not ruining your career to his full potential
Mila @milamodells
Is this trend just for men? I slept with Rozanov and I want in
caroline 🎀 @carolinemklein
Same!
Brigid Murphy @murphmurphmurphhh
Same
abi @abigaillevy
Sameeee!! @ShaneHollander24 you’re so lucky 🤗
Lea Chen @leachencreates
Ah I’ve found my people!!
Alana @alanajohnson1
Wait same!!
gracie @graceobrien617
Omg yesss, same! I’d say we need an official meeting with snacks but knowing Rozanov, it would just be a crushed bag of hot cheetos and some vodka
caroline 🎀 @carolinemklein
GIRL LMAO
Mila @milamodells
You guys got snacks? I asked for a drink and he said “there is a 7/11 two kilometers away, goodbye” lol
abi @abigaillevy
He threw me a gatorade as I was walking out the door but it was the light blue type so I can’t complain
dove ‹𝟹 @rozsbeartattoo
Clenching my fists in jealousy right now
Ari @reluctantlyyours
You think you’re clenching your fists? Imagine Hollander
Sage @outofthyme
Sorry is no one gonna talk about the fact that half of these women are brunettes with freckles
Chiron Fan Club
Bood: Deaaad @outofthyme: Sorry is no one gonna
Young: holy shit they do kinda look like Holly
Shane: I don’t see it
Holmberg: HOW
Shane: They’re all different races. And half of them are blonde
Bood: and the other half have freckles and Bambi eyes
Shane: Bambi eyes?
Ilya: Yes. You are a baby deer
Ilya: MY baby deer
Dykstra: I promise none of us are after your man Roz
Ilya: You can never be sure. Look at him
Bood: the chat going SILENT lol
Holmberg: I know a trap when I see one
Wyatt: Wait we need to address “There’s a 7/11 two kilometers away”
LaPointe: BRUTAL
Young: I always forget that Roz had a fuckboy era
Dykstra: I can’t believe we’ve reached a point where children only know husband Rozanov…nature is healing
Shane: Is that real? You gave me stuff to eat and drink before we were official. Sometimes.
Luca: Like the tuna melt!
Bood: What tuna melt?
Shane: Please don't bring that up today of all days
Luca: Oh okay, sorry
Ilya: I gave that one woman gatorade!
Holmberg: how generous of you to chuck it at her head
Bood: Wait you don’t even like light blue gatorade. Do you?
Shane: He doesn’t
Holmberg: what kind of animal doesn’t like blue gatorade?
Luca: I don’t
Young: Stop sucking up to Roz
Luca: :(
Ilya: No. I like yellow
Troy: Light blue is Shane’s favorite, isn’t it?
Ilya: Yes
Wyatt: Aww!!
Bood: Honestly I see why people are writing think pieces about your situationship era because wtf
Young: literally. “It’s casual” meanwhile he had a fridge full of his “fuck buddy's" gatorade
LaPointe: …that he was also giving out to a long line of women
Dykstra: If you ignore that part, it’s super romantic!
Bood: Okay but really, how’s team gay doing with all of this?
Troy: Team gay?
Bood: Sure! You, Shane, Ilya, Luca, and maybe Holmberg
Wyatt: Oh yeah, congrats Holmberg 🌈 Super excited for you!
Holmberg: Thanks but I’m not gay. It was a misunderstanding
Wyatt: Oh
Dykstra: Literally how
Bood: Everyone else on team gay (and team bi), how are you?
Troy: I’m annoyed that Adrian still won’t shut up
Luca: I am upset and also confused. What is the point of any of this? We are more than numbers!
LaPointe: preach it 6/10
Luca: 😡
Shane: I’m also baffled. It’s so weird
Ilya: I am fine
Dykstra: Haha
Bood: Roz you crack me up
The Secret Society of Stickhandlers
Scott: Okay, I think maybe we need to do something about this trend
Ilya: Oh so now that they are posting about you, we need to use our gay superpowers? But when my poor husband is being cyberbullied, no one cares?
Luca: I cared!!
Ilya: Yes and you are my favorite
Luca: :)
Scott: I didn’t see the post until it caught on and I started getting tagged in some. Unlike you, I don’t live on my phone
Scott: This is only going to keep escalating
Troy: What exactly are we supposed to do?
Ilya: Everyone post pictures of me and Shane
Eric: What? What will that accomplish?
Ilya: Will remind everyone that my beautiful husband is taken
Shane: Ignore him, he’s being possessive
Lundin: Hot
Scott: Ew
Baldwin: Lundin has anyone posted about you?
Lundin: No! Is it pathetic if I ask my boyfriend to? :((
Baldwin: Yes
Ilya: Yes
Ilya: There are many many posts about me
Scott: Well yeah, that tracks statistically
Ilya: Are you calling me a slut? They should take your GLAAD award away
Scott: Ugh whatever. What do we do?
Baldwin: idk but we should act fast. There’s more up already
Scott: Fuck
Jasper @yourfriendjasper
I can’t just leave this to the girls. Rozanov topped me in 2010, 10/10
⁸¹ Winona @winonar3ads4
Rozanov being the first to get a 10 tracks lmfao
Seth @sethsayssht
I topped Hunter in Berlin in 2015. Had NO idea who he was til the cup kiss, nearly shit myself. Good for him, glad he’s doing well, he seemed kind of sad when I met him. 8/10
Priya @admiralscellie
Verse Scott Hunter confirmation…I’ve prayed for days like this
Preston Sterling ✔️ @PrestonSterling
this is such an odd trend lol but obviously Luca gets 10s across the board 🙌🙌🙌
Alex Holmberg ✔️ @HolmbergPlaysHockey
You get it!!
Luca Haas ✔️ @LucaHaasNHL
I am begging you to stop
kai @hausofhaas
Begging on main…this man is never beating the whiny bottom allegations
Michael M. @michaelsworld
69’ed with Hunter ??? idk when even in Mykonos 6/10
cal @vaughnybaby
The amount of posts about Hunter is lowkey shocking me like he was really on a Wh*re World Tour
kip grady love bot @scottcunterr
All these men look totally different too, he said my type is DICK
dean 🏒 @deanmachine
Okay this trend is getting WEIRD, I know way too much about NHL stars’ sex lives right now
Louis @louishockeytrash
!! I’m feeling very “get a job, stay away from her” about all of this like??? What happened to discretion, what happened to privacy, what happened to DECORUM
Mia ❣️ follow4follow @genoviasprincesss
I slept with Hollander in 2018!! Don’t know why he’s lying about being into men, with a tongue like that there’s no way…read all about it on the paid tier of my substack!
anya unofficial @hollanoveru
*INCORRECT BUZZER SOUND*
Jordan @twinkadjacent
I knew it was only a matter of time before people started lying (if they weren’t already??)
Rose Landry 🌹✔️ @RoseLandry
Yeah so I can confirm this is total bullshit lol
rose landry step on me @roses_laundry
GET HER ROSE
victoria @rozbian
Ms. Landry said “I BEG TO DIFFER, this man can’t eat p*ssy to save his life!” I’M DEAD
Austin @austinotexas
I wasn’t gonna post because this shit is weird but I gotta say this is a lie, don’t waste your money. Idk what he’s gotten up to with women but not into men?? Hollander sucked my dick in 2015 and he was hungry for it. I won’t be rating because I am not a judge on Dancing with the Stars
anya unofficial @hollanoveru
oh! well idk if I can believe this without a painfully awkward selfie with @HaydenPikeHockey
The Unholy Trinity
Hayden: SHANE???
Hayden: @austinotexas: I wasn’t gonna
Shane: Oh God
Shane: Literally what is this trend???
J.J.: Is this one true?
Hayden: Your silence speaks volumes
Hayden: How many more are there gonna be?
J.J.: Is Shane…a slut?
Hayden: Well yes. The real question is, is he a slut for more than just Rozanov?
Shane: That’s all of them actually
Shane: I find it alarming that all three men I’ve slept with apparently can’t shut up online
Hayden: I mean we already knew your type is mouthy assholes
Shane: I guess
J.J.: Your type is also shredded abs apparently
Hayden: Literally lol I respect it
Shane: 🤷♂️
Shane: This is just so weird. At this point I’m expecting all the women I’ve slept with to post too. And my husband will become a serial killer
Hayden: and that’s how many women exactly?
Shane: You’re so nosy
Hayden: You’re like a sexual enigma, let me have this
Shane: How am I a sexual enigma? What does that even mean?
Shane: Don’t you think maybe you just don’t know about my sex life because it’s private?
Hayden: But we’re bros! Bros share! I share all the time and so does J.J.
Shane: I don’t ask you to
Shane: It’s not like I love knowing about the time Jackie “let you” try anal on your 25th birthday
Hayden: Don’t say it like that man, it makes me sound like a vanilla loser
J.J.: Well…
Shane: I mean…
Hayden: Hey!!!
J.J.: It’s okay buddy, we all know you have a pregnancy kink
Hayden: 🖕
J.J.: How many women though? 👀
Shane: 🙄
Shane: I don’t know, 5 or 6?
Hayden: Oh
Hayden: Well now I’m sad
J.J.: Yeah I regret asking
Shane: What why? Is that low?
Hayden: No Shane it’s high for the gayest man I’ve ever met
J.J.: ^^ the women outnumber the men! That blows
Hayden: Actually there’s not enough blowing
J.J.: 😂
Shane: Gayest man you’ve ever met feels dramatic
Hayden: I spend my days around Comeau and Drapeau. You don’t have much competition
Shane: Lol
J.J.: Alright enough about the women, I wanna hear about this blowjob
Hayden: Omg yes!!
Hayden: UGH why does he always disappear when it gets juicy?
Ilya: He is hot too, hmm?
Shane: Ilya
Ilya: You saw his smile and fell to your knees? Gave him your pretty little mouth?
Shane: Yes while you had a woman for everyday of the week and then some.
Shane: That thread about you just keeps growing.
Ilya: Growing like his dick? Was he big? Did you gag on it?
Shane: Jesus
Shane: Maybe I did
Shane: Maybe it was actually 9 inches
Shane: Maybe I took all of it. Maybe I swallowed. Does it fucking matter?
Ilya: sjsndds
Ilya: sorry dropped d my phone again
Shane: You’re gonna break it
Ilya: He sucked you off too. How was he?
Shane: You remember me telling you that?
Ilya: Yes
Ilya: Do you miss his mouth? Dream about it?
Shane: No, I miss yours stupid
Ilya: Just my mouth?
Shane: I miss your dick so much. 12 hours since I’ve had it and I miss it
Shane: I promise it’s the only dick I care about
Shane: Well and mine
Ilya: Yours belongs to me too
Shane: All of me belongs to you
Ilya: Fuck
Ilya: When will you be home?
Shane: Okay, we have a game on Tuesday
Ilya: So?
Shane: I’m just saying I need to be able to walk after tonight
Ilya: Do you? You could play aching, limping, with a plug in your ass and still be better than everyone out there
Shane: oh
Shane: I asked and they said we won’t get out of here for 3 more hours
Ilya: Unacceptable
Ilya: Are you on a break?
Shane: For 15 minutes or so, yeah
Ilya: Bathroom. Now.
Ilya: Get on your knees and call me
Shane: fuck
Ilya: I need to hear you say yes
Shane: Yes. Going now
Shane: The makeup artist just complained that my face is “red and sweaty now”
Ilya: 🤣
Ilya: And still so pretty
Ilya: My pretty pretty face
Shane: Ilya…that was really hot obviously…
Ilya: Yes. You coming in five seconds made that very clear
Shane: Shut up
Shane: I guess I’m just wondering if you don’t trust me or something?
Ilya: Trust you?
Shane: You’re so upset about these guys. Do you actually think I’m gonna run back to them or something?
Shane: Sorry. This is stupid. We can talk about it when I’m home
Ilya: No
Ilya: Of course I trust you
Ilya: I just hate how much time we wasted
Ilya: There is no purpose for these men. I could have been with you. Seven years I could have been with you. Sometimes it kills me that we will never get that time back
Shane: We have a lifetime though
Shane: And you were still with me. In my heart and on my mind. Just like I was with you when you slept with all those women with freckles
Ilya: You were. Always
Shane: Okay. So you’re not mad or anything?
Ilya: No. Of course not. More nervous
Shane: Nervous?
Ilya: I trust you not to leave. I just do not trust that I am someone worth staying for
Shane: Sksnd
Shane: Sorry. Dropped my phone
Shane: Ilya. I’d stay with you even if you murdered that Jimmy guy and I could only see you for weekly visits
Ilya: His name is Jonathan
Shane: I still think it’s Jimmy
Shane: I’d stay with you through anything. Seriously anything. Like I’d stay with you even if you had a no point streak longer than Hunter’s in 2016
Ilya: 🥺 That is the sweetest thing you have ever said to me
Ilya: But I would never embarrass you like that
Shane: I know you wouldn’t
soph @freckleshanes
I said “stop infantilizing Shane Hollander” and the universe said “bet” 😭 I didn’t know it would get this far, forgive me various NHL gays!
Drew @drewthedruid
I had a threesome with Scott Hunter and Ilya Rozanov! Will be sharing allll the details on tik tok live later (same handle over there)
lynn 🐝 lesbian rights @barrettsbiceps
yeah and I had a threesome with Alf and the ghost of Bob Ross, it was awesome
kip grady love bot @scottcunterr
No one’s buying this. Rozanov would bite Hunter’s dick off
mal @ilyastoenailclippings
Okay so to summarize…
Hunter is verse
Hollander and Haas are bottoms
Which means Rozanov and Archibald Simmons are tops and Kip Grady is verse
Ryan Price and Rozanov have a TYPE
Hollander and Hunter do NOT
🤔📝
Logan @loganonn
Hollander doesn’t have a type? When all 3 men he’s apparently been involved with have 12 packs? Come on. I just know this man would have “no fats, no femmes, no Asians” in his bio if he ever had to stoop to Grindr
madi (she/they) @dallaskenthateclub
…do you wanna run that one from the top babe? no fats, no femmes, no WHAT?
Logan @loganonn
OH WAIT sorry I’m tipsy rn
brynn @brynnsbrainbrawn
No you’re not wrong tho. Hollander’s obviously self hating, he’s been involved with 4 people (including Rose Landry) and they’re all white. Not surprising considering the sport he willingly plays
mal @ilyastoenailclippings
Ya know, I regret posting this. I’m gonna go touch grass so hard that a cow would be jealous of me
Richard @richrichrichie
I slept with @LundinBridgesHockey in 2014. Seriously nothing to write home about, 2/10
R. Lundin ✔️ @LundinBridgesHockey
HA I beat you suck it @BaldwinPlays
R. Lundin ✔️ @LundinBridgesHockey
WAIT 2 OUT OF 10????
Zachary @hotndangerouss
Back in 2010, I slept with Eric Bennett. His dick was so small, he would have been better off using a thumb I swearrr! 7/10
Priya @admiralscellie
2010? When he was married to a woman?
Kyle ♡ Come to Kingfisher! @KyleSwiftly
Next time you wanna fabricate fairytales to gain a measly 5 followers for your shitty posts, leave my man out of it. Spreading lies that a bi man cheated on his wife is disgusting. And if you wanna talk small, focus on your bank account that’s gonna be drained if you don’t shut your mouth
kip grady love bot @scottcunterr
Kyle Swift I am scared of and aroused by you
WAGs and Proud 🏳️🌈
Kip: Omfg Kyle
Kyle: What? I’m not gonna sit by and let this asshole lie like that
Kyle: People accuse Eric of cheating all the time. It’s so gross
Ilya: Yes people accuse me of this too
Kip: Which is honestly as absurd as it is fucked up
Harris: Yeah like in what world?
Harris: And I can’t say I blame you Kyle. Troy had to hold me back from saying fuck it and replying to Adrian’s post
Ilya: You should. I am with Kyle. We must defend our men
Shane: Or we could shut up and wait for it to pass
Kip: Idk it just keeps getting worse…
Fabian: Oh wow I’ve missed like 3000 messages today alone lol hey guys
Kip: Fabian!!
Ilya: Hello Fabian!
Kyle: Welcome to hell babe
Shane: Is Ryan holding up okay? There’s just one post about him, right?
Fabian: Yup, just the one. He doesn’t touch the internet with a ten foot pole but I told him about it. He’s mostly confused
Kip: His post though 👀
Archie: omg I know, everyone getting roasted and this guy’s like “HUGE by the way” like okay!
Fabian: I meaaaan…he’s not wrong 😌
Kip: Yessss
Kyle: I am deeply unsurprised considering he's like 10 feet tall lol but still! Good for you!
Ilya: I am not surprised either. God gives the best dicks to men with the kindest souls 🙏
Archie: I can’t tell if you’re talking about yourself or Shane
Harris: Knowing him, probably both
Fabian: lollll
Fabian: Should I scroll up btw? Are we doing one of those hashtags or something?
Kip: omg no, no need to scroll. No response planned yet but if we decide on one, I can DM you!!
Fabian: Thank youuu
Fabian: I’m just not gonna post anything for now
Archie: yeah, I didn’t reply because Luca asked me not to after the whole weird Holmberg thing, but I was ready to go honestly
Kip: Oh yeah what was that? Did you guys have a threesome?
Archie: No, he’s straight. I think…
Kip: Confident
Kyle: Shane, is this one real? The blowjob guy I mean, not that weird woman
Shane: Yes
Kip: Daaaamn get it Shane
Fabian: Okay Shane!!
Ilya: He is getting nothing but ME 😡
Kip: Well yes obviously. I’m just saying, he’s hot
Kyle: Yeah, you have good taste Shane
Ilya: Shane is so so so out of their league. Like they are in beer league of hotness and he is in NHL
Ilya: They look like thumbs that came to life
Archie: Like in Spy Kids!
Ilya: Sure
Archie: Kip, are Scott’s real? I mean I know this whole thing is a massive invasion of privacy but that’s not stopping me from being nosy
Harris: lol
Kip: They’re pretty much all real, yeah. He used to travel abroad in the off season to get laid because he didn’t want to risk getting outed
Archie: that’s so sad
Kip: I know and it means I can’t even push for details because it’s so depressing
Kyle: Kip please 😭
Kip: We can ask Shane for details again though
Kyle: 👀
Archie: 👀
Harris: 👀
Fabian: 👀
Shane: There’s not much to tell really. I blew him, then he blew me. I was really nervous the whole time that he’d recognize me. Which I guess he did
Ilya: Of course he did. You are Shane Hollander
Shane: I mean I was in the states. It’s not like they care about hockey
Ilya: You have the prettiest face the world has ever seen. You could play croquet and men would still recognize you
Shane: I doubt that
Ilya: Ugh you are so frustrating! HOW do you not see how pretty you are?
Shane: I’m not saying I’m not attractive. I’m just saying no human being is attractive enough to be a famous croquet player
Ilya: No one except you
Ilya: Everyone tell Shane he is pretty
Harris: Will you threaten murder if we do?
Ilya: No. Pinky promise. My idiot husband needs to hear it
Kip: You’re like painfully pretty Shane
Fabian: STUPID pretty
Kyle: Prettiest active hockey player for sure (sorry Scott, facts are facts)
Archie: Seriously. I knew who you were before I knew anything about hockey. I rly thought you were a full time model! because you’re hot and because you book more gigs than me lmfao
Shane: Thanks guys but this really isn’t necessary
Ilya: Everyone agrees! Now you understand why I am jealous
Shane: I already understood. I think I know what it’s like to have a partner who’s slept with other people
Ilya: No. Not the same
Shane: Literally HOW? Oh right you’ve slept with five times more people than I have. That’s the difference!
Harris: I feel like I shouldn’t be here
Kyle: shhhh it’s getting good
Kip: 🍿
Ilya: You are not married to the most beautiful man in the world! I am!
Shane: You realize I feel the same way about you right?
Ilya: There is no “feel”. These are facts. Cosmopolitan said so. Most beautiful man, my husband
Shane: That was years ago! I’m pretty sure they gave it to Luca last year
Archie: they did! wow the editor there must be a top
Kip: 😂
Ilya: Beauty does not expire. Especially yours
Shane: Shut up
Ilya: No
Ilya: We will have sex in front of the gym mirrors when you get home. Maybe then you will get it
Ilya: Your face when you come makes me understand why people believe in God
Shane: Oh
Shane: Okay we are in fact in a group chat right now
Kip: By all means, don’t stop on our account
Harris: That was poetry
Archie: !!!
Fabian: I might need to use that and give you co-writing credits lol
Kyle: This is so sweet and also hot and I’m gonna hate myself later for interrupting the drama BUT! I just gotta say, I really am concerned about this trend
Archie: same
Harris: Yeah it was already invasive and now it’s headed into libel territory?
Kip: Agreed. Scott’s been hardcore brainstorming. He’s drawing charts and everything
Ilya: Ugh he is so boring
Ilya: He is probably about to suggest an awful hashtag
The Secret Society of Stickhandlers
Scott: I think we need a hashtag
Ilya: Of course you do
Scott: What else are we supposed to do? Ignore this?
Eric: I think maybe we should. If the person who lied about me does again, I’m sending a C&D. You guys should too
Ilya: Only if they are lying. Mine are not
Troy: Wait none of them?
Ilya: Maybe? I’m not sure
Ilya: The women all blend together
Scott: Jesus
Lundin: I can’t decide if that’s sexist or just deeply slutty
Baldwin: It probably doesn’t help that they’re all clones of Hollander
Shane: I mean, I wouldn’t say clones
Eric: No they just coincidentally have brown eyes and freckles
Ryan: Hi guys, are we talking about the trend? Fabian told me there was a post about me
Baldwin: Yeah the post has gotten a lot of likes. You could say it's MASSIVE
Ilya: Leave Price alone
Baldwin: No shame. Opposite of shame. If I was him, I'd print that and frame it
Shane: Hey Ryan. Are you okay? I know it’s weird
Ryan: It is but I mostly ignore the internet
Shane: Smart
Ryan: :)
Scott: Wait so was just Eric’s post fake?
Scott: And the one that said me and Rozanov had a threesome but that’s an obvious lie
Ilya: Yes. Unlike Kyle, I do not have a daddy kink
Ilya: Or in this case grand daddy kink
Scott: Fuck off
Eric: ^^seconding that
Shane: The woman who said she slept with me in 2018 was fake. The others were real
Luca: Mine was fake!
Baldwin: Lmao kiddo no one’s buying that
Ilya: Luca…
Luca: :(
Scott: I guess it doesn’t matter if it’s real or not. It’s a violation regardless
Lundin: What do we do? I got a 2/10 guys. My ego can only take so much
Baldwin: 2/10 😆🫵
Lundin: STOP IT’S HAUNTING
Scott: Maybe we post our stats instead and say we should focus on the more important numbers
Shane: I like that
Baldwin: Ew that’s a terrible idea
Ilya: I am so bored I just fell asleep
Luca: What if we have our partners post rating us a 10 out of 10? I feel like people get distracted easily by couple’s content
Luca: They could include pictures
Scott: That’s not a bad idea
Troy: Harris approves
Scott: What’s the hashtag though?
Ilya: Hunter not everything needs a hashtag
Baldwin: Wait am I the only single one here? Who’s gonna post about me?
Troy: Do you need a post? No one posted about you
Baldwin: Rude and uncalled for Barrett
Lundin: 😆🫵
Archie Simmons ✔️ @ArchibaldSimmons
Forget allll the nonsense! I knew Luca was a 10/10 the second I laid eyes on him and he’s proved me right every day since 💕
Luca Haas ✔️ @LucaHaasNHL
It takes one to know one 💘
Ilya Rozanov ✔️ @IlyaRozanovWins
Ah! You are getting better at flirting, I am very proud
Luca Haas ✔️ @LucaHaasNHL
:)
Kip Grady @KipGradyBoat
Not to brag (totally bragging) but my husband's a total 10 who’s out of this world in every way 🤩 He would like me to remind you all that he’s a Cup winner and a gold medalist. I would like to remind you that he’s hot so pls enjoy these pics
Louis @louishockeytrash
OUT OF THIS WORLD IM DEAD
Scott Hunter ✔️ @ScottHunterOfficial
You weren’t supposed to say I told you to include it! Also please delete the picture with Rozanov
Kip Grady @KipGradyBoat
No. You need the reminder that it’s possible for you to be in the same room without killing each other
Ilya Rozanov ✔️ @IlyaRozanovWins
How sad you had to include me in this post to get likes ((( I am happy to help, I love charity work!
Scott Hunter ✔️ @ScottHunterOfficial
…still think it’s possible?
Harris 🍎🌈 @HarrisDrover
I’d say my fiancé’s a 10/10 but I’d much rather give him a 100% fresh score. I know those are reaaaally hard for some people to achieve, but I think my guy pulls it off!
lynn 🐝 lesbian rights @barrettsbiceps
Even Harris getting messy…oh I know these men are PISSEDDD
Fabian Salah ✔️ @fabiansalahmusic
My turnnn!! @RyanPrice is a 100/10. So so lucky you’re my muse 💕 Maybe soon I’ll write a song about little bitch babies who have nothing better to do than rate their ex hook ups! But for now, I’ll stick to love songs 💗
Harris 🍎🌈 @HarrisDrover
Okay I’d stream that though 👀
Kip Grady @KipGradyBoat
Wow that sounds super relatable!
Archie Simmons ✔️ @ArchibaldSimmons
10 out of 10 would stream!!
Ilya Rozanov ✔️ @IlyaRozanovWins
FABIAN PLEASE
fabian interacted 3x @fabiansequins
ummm yes pls! I just know that would be a MASSIVE hit ;)
Shane Hollander ✔️ @ShaneHollander24
It feels like an understatement to say that @IlyaRozanovWins is a 10/10. So I’ll say he’s an 81/10. It may have taken us 7 years, but I could never regret the road that led us here. I will always, always wake up and choose you. Every single day. Even when your feet are ridiculously cold and you buy too many tomatoes from the farmer's market
Ilya Rozanov ✔️ @IlyaRozanovWins
This is not fair, 24 is lower than 81 😡 Change your number now
Shane Hollander ✔️ @ShaneHollander24
Alright, I’ll change it to 83. 2 more for how many more Cups I have
bebe “is smart and right” @moony4hollanov
They made it exactly 30 seconds before they started beefing as foreplay again, new record!
Kyle ♡ Come to Kingfisher! @KyleSwiftly
His face? 10. His body? 10. His loyalty? 10. His personality? 10. His hockey skills? 10. And trust me, any claims you saw today are way off base, but I’m a BIG enough man to not rub it in… 😊
Maria @Maria_Villanueva929
GIRL
R. Lundin ✔️ @LundinBridgesHockey
I just wanna shout out my buddy @BaldwinPlays, who’s a 10/10 in every way!
J. Baldwin ✔️ @BaldwinPlays
Aww! Right back at ya. But a 2/10
R. Lundin ✔️ @LundinBridgesHockey
I TAKE IT BACK FUCK YOU
dean 🏒 @deanmachine
Wow huge day for the 3 of us who ship you guys
Ilya Rozanov ✔️ @IlyaRozanovWins
Scales out of 10 do not apply to my perfect husband. He breaks all your stupid scales. He is a billion out of 10. He is ♾️ out of 10. He is mine out of 10 ❤️ Please enjoy these pictures of him being very hot but know you can never touch. Ever
charlie @shaneholeander
THE HICKEYS IN THE THIRD PIC? HELLO??
anya unofficial @hollanoveru
Rozanov is part hockey player, part WAG, part vacuum
bebe “is smart and right” @moony4hollanov
Okay but the pic of them wearing each other’s jerseys? They said “lemme stake my claim” and I love that for them
Scott Hunter ✔️ @ScottHunterOfficial
Jesus Rozanov. Why?
Zane Boodram ✔️ @ZaneBoodHockey
PLEASE leave Holly in one piece, please, please, please. We need to win on Tuesday man, don’t make me call Wiebe on your asses 😭
Hayden Pike ✔️ @HaydenPikeHockey
Is he okay? Do I need to call a hospital?
Ilya Rozanov ✔️ @IlyaRozanovWins
He is right where he wants to be. Maybe call a hospital anyways. You were so bad in your last game, I think you must have your 10th concussion?
The Unholy Trinity
Hayden: You know, your husband’s very mean reply got me thinking…
J.J.: That’s never a good sign
Hayden: Har harrrr
Hayden: Okay but like…
Hayden: Every time he gets jealous and you have 29383 hickeys, you must be an active participant in that, right?
Shane: Obviously. What, you thought I just lay there?
Hayden: I don’t know! I guess I didn’t think about it
Hayden: So you LIKE that he’s a jealous freak?
Shane: I mean yeah. It’s hot
Hayden: Huh
J.J.: I assumed he was tying you up or something
Shane: Well yes. That too
Hayden: Oh god. I don’t know if I can hear this
Shane: You asked for more details!
Hayden: I kinda forgot they’d involve Rozanov…I’ve made a grave mistake
Shane: 🙄
Shane: This is why I told the gay WAGs about my past hook ups instead of you
Hayden: Wait what
Hayden: SHANE???
Canada Trending Topics
1 - Rose Landry
2 - Fabian Salah
Trending with Massive
3 - Scott Hunter
Trending with Travel
4 - Carly Rae Jepsen
Trending with Live Music
5 - Shane Hollander
Trending with Ilya Rozanov, Ten