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The boy was a nervous wreck. The rickety stool he was perched on tapped annoyingly against the floor as he squirmed like… well, like a sinner in the confessional. Godwin had reluctantly agreed to hear his confession after the young Lord Capon insisted he couldn’t trust any other priest with it. If anything, that made Godwin want to hear it even less, but he was, unfortunately, a good priest. Seeing the desperation in Capon’s still boyish face had plucked at his heartstrings and led him, against his better judgement, to sit across from him in his own room in the Devil’s Den. The irony wasn’t lost on him. Even with the sun still high in the sky, the familiar sounds of hedonistic overindulgence rose up through the floorboards to score their holy meeting.
Crossing himself, Capon began, “Bless me Father for I have sinned. I…” After a thick pause, Hans began again, clearing his throat, “I’ve… fornicated.”
Well, that was hardly news, but since when did that warrant this level of shame? He was almost tempted to laugh before a sickening thought made his heart plummet down to his stomach.
He didn't think him the type, but he didn't know why else the boy would be wracked with so much guilt. The young lord was as rambunctious as any lad, but he had never known him to be cruel. Perhaps he had fathered a bastard? The thought came as a relief. That could explain his secrecy.
Again, he waited for Hans to explain, but the relative silence stretched on. Staring down at his twisting hands, Capon gave no indication that he was going to continue.
“And what about this particular fornication weighs so heavily on you, son?” he prompted.
“Well… It's…” Hans sighed in frustration, raking a hand through his short blonde hair. He visibly steeled himself, sitting upright and taking a deep breath. “I’ve fornicated… “ He seemed to force the words out with great effort. “With a man.” Barely loud enough for Godwin to hear, he added, “I'm a sodomite.”
It took a moment for Godwin to process what Hans had just said. He had heard such confessions before, of course, but Hans Capon was a well known womanizer. Was it an act? He doubted it. More likely he had become so desperate for a fuck during the siege or in captivity that he had let some soldier give him a tug in a dark corner. He would hardly be the first man to do so under similar circumstances. War was Hell, and men did whatever they had to to get through each day.
Capon looked miserable, eyes downcast and lip quivering. Godwin felt a surge of sympathy for the young fool.
“Chin up, son.” he said kindly, “That's not as unusual as the Church would like you to think.”
Hans finally looked up. His eyes were wide and shining, seeming for all the world like a kicked puppy.
“Christ!” Godwin continued, “If they kicked out every priest or monk who's done the same, there'd hardly be any left!”
“What?” The naive Lord looked scandalized.
“Don’t tell me you think you invented it! There are no women in the seminary, and desperate times call for desperate measures.”
He’d been attempting to lighten the mood, but Hans’ face faltered at that. Perhaps he had misjudged.
Carefully, he asked, “Or, do you… prefer men?”
Capon said nothing, but the way his eyes darted back to the floor was as good as an admission. He understood now why he had feared to go to a proper priest. The secrecy of the confessional was sacred, but all men were fallible, especially the clergy.
Capon buried his face in his hands. His voice came out strangled. “Have I damned us both?”
“No.” His firm answer came automatically. “We're all sinners, lad, but you're a good Christian. As long as you confess, and have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, God will forgive you. That's what He does.”
“But I don't regret it.”
“I never regret fornicating either! But that's the nature of fallen man. The original sin plagues us all.”
“But surely it's different!” Capon half-asked-half-insisted.
“Oh, I don't know.” Godwin sighed, “Lust is lust, whether you're coveting your neighbor's wife or your neighbor's ass.”
“It's not lust.” he protested, “At least, not entirely. That's… That's why men go to the baths, not when they really care for someone.”
“If it's love you're worried about, that part’s certainly not a sin. God commanded us to love our fellow men, although He would prefer you didn’t have sex with them.” That finally drew a chuckle out of Capon. “But that’s what repentance is for, anyway.”
Capon heaved a massive sigh of relief, leaning back in his chair and stretching his arms high above his head as if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders.
“Christ, that's good to hear! I really thought I was done for.”
“It’ll take more than a fuck to send you to Hell, Sir Hans. Three Our Fathers, two Hail Marys.”
“Each time?”
Godwin snorted. “Are you fucking men so often that's a concern?”
The bastard was clearly feeling better, judging by the smugness radiating from his shit-eating grin.
“Well, one man, very often indeed.”
Godwin had to laugh at his audacity. Capon was certainly back to his old self.
“How about weekly and we'll say you're covered?”
Godwin kept one protective eye on young Capon over the following days. The lightness had returned to his step, and he was back to his friendly, teasing ways with Henry and the others. Especially with Henry. The boys had become fast friends back in Rattay, but still.
Shit.
He could feel God laughing at him. This is what he gets for trying to keep that boy safe. Did Henry have any idea how hard he already was to look after without him committing sodomy with a noble? Christ! The least he could do was try to hide it! He couldn’t believe he hadn’t seen it before, and now he wished dearly that he could un-see it. Thank the Lord everyone in the Devil’s Den was shitfaced by noon each day, but how much more careful would they be back in Rattay? How careful would they be at the wedding? The wedding… Jesus Christ…
He wasn’t drunk enough for this.