Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

ac/dc training wheels

Scott Hunter (NY):

Alright @Everyone

Thoughts on adding Zane Boodram from Ottawa?

They just made him an alternate

Eric Sullivan (Phoenix)

The left winger?

Wait didn’t he just get drafted??

They gave him an A already?

You:

Ottawa drafted him in 2014 

But he went to college first so he’s not actually that young

Scott Hunter (NY):

Yes - don’t worry Hollander

You and Rozanov still hold the dubious honor of being the youngest captains ever named

Lily: 

Ah but is a better honour than the record for oldest captain in league history!

Scott Hunter (NY):

Fuck off Rozanov

Anyway if you are good with me adding him can you please react to this message? I can vouch that he seemed like a stand up guy when we spoke

You, Lily, Cliff Marleau (Boston), Victor St Simons (Boston), Hayden Pike and 9 others liked this message

Scott Hunter (NY) has added an unknown number

Scott Hunter (NY):

Hey Boodram!

Welcome to the chat - its just made up of a couple of captains and alternates from the league

Mainly we just trade advice on being captains and keeping an eye on our rookies

Unknown:

Hello! 

Thanks for adding me - admittedly the idea of having to help wrangle our rookies is slightly horrific

Like they are not that much younger then me and I still cannot understand half of what comes out of their mouths

Carter Vaughn (NY):

Hey Boodram! 

Don’t worry - Scott made this chat back when Boston and Montreal decided to give Hollander and Rozanov the C when they were 20

We are (somewhat) well equipped to help

Victor St Simons (Boston):

Plus this is a “good vibes only” chat

Only fun assholes like Rozy allowed 

No douchebags like the guys from Toronto or Dallas tend to be

Unknown:

Sounds like this should be fun!

You have added “Zane Boodram (Ottawa) to your contacts

You:

Great to have you Boodram!

***

Scott Hunter (NY):

Sent a photo

I swear to god these rookies are going to put me in an early grave

Felix Aarons (LA):

What the fuck?

Carter Vaughn (NY):

Tell me that is NOT our locker room

Scott Hunter (NY):

🙃

It is not not our locker room

Please tell me you are near the rink because I am about to lose it

Victor St Simons (Boston):

Hold on. Is that a fucking raccoon?

Carter Vaughn (NY):

…

I’m on my way

Try not have an aneurysm before I get there?

You:

Why are your rookies holding a raccoon?

Scott Hunter (NY):

Apparently they mistook it for some sort of fucking cat and wanted to keep it

Except Gillis lives with me and Prentice and Wagner's building doesn't allow pets

So they decided to keep it in the locker room

The raccoon, of course, wasn’t quite on board with this plan

Hayden Pike:

Dude your locker room is trashed

How the fuck did they mistake a raccoon for a cat?!?

Scott Hunter (NY):

I actually honestly do not know

What I do know is that I am NOT going to be the one who tells management

Or Coach

That is on them

Lily:

You are not excited for first grandchild Hunter?

You do not want to congratulate your own babies and their hard work??

You will not help them care for their newborn as a good grandparent?

Tsk tsk - and such a shame when the baby looks very much like you

Scott Hunter (NY):

…

Lily changed the group chat name to "Congratulations Grandpa Raccoon!"

Cliff Marleau (Boston):

🤣Rozy you menace!

Zane Boodram (Ottawa):

Man you really are crazy!!

I love it!

Scott Hunter (NY):

Absolutely not

Scott Hunter (NY) changed the group chat name to "ac/dc training wheels"

Lily:

Boo!

Lily changed the group chat name to "The raccoons are loose!"

Scott Hunter (NY):

NO!

Scott Hunter (NY) changed the group chat name to "ac/dc training wheels"

Lily changed the group chat name to "Grandfather Hunter Gatherer and his raccoonlets!"

Scott Hunter (NY) changed the group chat name to "FUCKING STOP"

Lily changed the group chat name to "NEVER"

Victor St Simons (Boston):

Hunter

I will warn you - he will not stop

Felix Aarons (LA):

Don't stop! This is the best entertainment I have had all week!!

Lily changed the group chat name to "the raccoons are taking over!"

Carter Vaughn (NY):

Honestly Cap I really don’t know what you expected here

Scott Hunter (NY) changed the group chat name to "why are you like this?"

Lily changed the group chat name to "The Fossil of New York"

You have changed the group chat name to "The captain of grandfathers and his dumpster fires"

You have locked the group chat name

Scott Hunter (NY):

Really Hollander!

Even you!

You:

🤷🏻‍♂️

Lily:

Ha!

Scott Hunter (NY):

I fucking hate all of you

***

Hayden Pike:

So question 

Is anyone else's rookies just seemingly allergic to using their gear properly?

Carter Vaughn (NY):

???

No not really? 

You guys good over in Montreal?

Hayden Pike:

No

J.J Boiziau:

Non

Hayden Pike:

Two of our rookies have decided that their protective padding is stupid and only slows them down.

The other decided that his mouth guard was ‘too annoying’

Victor St Simons (Boston):

Oh no

OH NO

Hayden Pike:

Yeah

Shane discovered that they were doing this about a month ago

And when he found out that his lecture on safety didn’t stick he decided to implement equipment checks every time they get on the ice

Lily:

Ah yes

Hollander has ascended to his final form

He has become Mumander

Cliff Marleau (Boston):

🤣

Hayden Pike:

🙄

Very funny Rozanov

J.J Boiziau

The rookies of course were not happy about this

So when Shane got called into a meeting with Coach about five minutes before practise started

Well they took advantage

Carter Vaughn (NY):

You know all of a sudden Hollanders lack of texts seems really ominous

You good there @Hollander

You:

No

No I am not because one of the stupid fucking 19 years old I’m somehow responsible for decided not to wear his bloody mouthguard at afternoon skate and the absolute dumbass took a stick to the face

So now I’m sitting in the ER waiting for him to get back from xray because of course its the one rookie who isn’t with a billet family  

Why are they like this?

Scott Hunter (NY):

Too many pucks to the face

Lily:

Their mothers didn't drop them on their heads enough as babys so the universe decided to do it for them

Victor St Simons (Boston):

Oh shit

We play against you guys tomorrow too!

Aren’t you flying in early in the morning or something?

You:

Yes

Its nearly 12am here and the ER is so busy

We have to be at the airport at 7am

I might actually commit a murder

Actually

@Hayden Pike

@J.J Boiziau

Why the fuck are you awake?!?!?

Cliff Marleau (Boston):

Ooh ur captains mad!

James Foster (Seattle):

Damn you two are in trouble!!

J.J Boiziau:

Ah

Well

You see Captaine…

Hayden Pike:

Arthur's teething and won’t settle

And I am NOT leaving Jackie to do it when we are about to be gone for weeks on a roadie

Victor St Simons (Boston):

Oh man thats rough actually

My wife and I nearly died when my kid was teething and wouldn’t sleep through the night

Hayden Pike:

I thought the twins were bad 

They had nothing on their brother

You:

@Hayden Pike Hmm

For Jackie I will accept that.

@J.J Boiziau Well? I am waiting!

Why the fuck are you not asleep yet?

J.J Boiziau:

Ahhhhh

Well Captaine, you see

You:

JJ

If you show up tomorrow any form of hungover, exhausted or otherwise incapacitated because you couldn’t keep your dick in your fucking pants until tomorrow night, then I will run the entire team through bag skates and drills until they puke while gladly telling them all about how its your fault

Go the fuck to bed NOW

J.J Boiziau:

Yep, yep, I hear you!

Going now!

Cliff Marleau (Boston):

🤣 Damn

Holzys scary when he pissed

Hayden Pike:

Don’t we know it!

Lily:

No no, Canadas golden boy is an asshole yes, but scary?

Maybe if you find an angry little kitten hissing at everything scary

But also Marly if you do not get your ass out of the club and to bed then Montreal will not be the only team running bag skates tomorrow

Cliff Marleau (Boston):

…Calling an Uber now

You:

Fuck you Rozanov

Lily:

Maybe later if ur good 😘

You:

🖕

***

James Foster (Seattle):

Ah fuck

@Lily, @Victor St Simons (Boston), @Cliff Marleau (Boston) are any of you aware of what's going on online?

Cliff Marleau (Boston):

No

Whats happened?

James Foster (Seattle):

Sent a link

Looks like one of your rooks got hacked or something

Theres a tape making its rounds on the internet

Cliff Marleau (Boston):

Shit

Its Kohn too

Out of all of them he is the least likely to take this well

I’m babysitting for my sister atm - Vicky can you go check up on him?

Victor St Simons (Boston):

I can’t - my kids sick and my wife is out of town so I can’t leave

Rooks not picking up and idk where Roz is

You:

Is he with a billet family?

Or can one of your teammates drop by his place?

Lily:

Is not necessary

I am with him

Scott Hunter (NY):

Good

Is the kid doing alright?

Lily:

Yes

I have seen the video - it is not too bad

He is annoyed and upset but will be fine

Carter Vaughn (NY):

Good

Do you know how it happened?

Lily:

Yes - his phone was stolen at a club last night

Is why he was not picking up for Vicky

Management have contacted police

Apparently he did not have a password on it

Carter Vaughn (NY):

Ah

Felix Aarons (LA):

Oh no

Hayden Pike:

Bad move

Victor St Simons (Boston):

Oof - bad idea

Cliff Marleau (Boston):

Damn it - I told him to put one on!

James Foster (Seattle):

Thats just some bad luck

J.J Boiziau:

Rookie mistake

Scott Hunter (NY):

You know I am suddenly feeling the urge to give my rookies a lecture about online safety

You:

You know what?

Same

***

Scott Hunter (NY):

Who in their right mind thought holding the awards in ATLANTIC CITY was a good idea?

Like seriously??

Felix Aarons (LA):

What's wrong with Atlantic city? If we have to go to this stupid thing then it's better then bloody Nashville would be.

Cliff Marleau (Boston):

You’re kidding right? 

Felix Aarons (LA):

No?

Hayden Pike:

Damn did your management not tell you? Leagues inviting all the rookies this year.

Felix Aarons (LA):

…No. No tell me they didn’t

You:

Yep

Any rookie that ended the regular season with either at least 25 games played or without being sent back to the AHL by end of the season is invited

Zane Boodram (Ottawa):

But thats like 40 or 50 rookies

You:

Yes 

And between all of us in this chat, we are responsible for around 20 of those 

Cliff Marleau (Boston):

Basically - they screwed us

Scott Hunter (NY):

It's almost worse than Vegas! 

I'm going to have to figure out how to annul a marriage AGAIN

Lily:

Ah but you will have it easy now yes?

Internet exists now, no more searching long boring scrolls with those picture letters on them

You:

Do you mean hieroglyphs?

Scott Hunter (NY):

Oh go fuck yourself Rozy

You realise that the League made room for the rooks by not inviting the alternates right? 

That means you have to babysit yours all on your own.

Hayden Pike:

Wait, really?

Cliff Marleau (Boston):

Finally - a little mercy from the universe!

Sucks to be you Rozy! 

J.J Boiziau:

Hahaha - suck it Captaines!

Zane Boodram (Ottawa):

No extra travel AND extra vacation? Fuck yes!

Lily:

…I am getting sick

Cannot go to awards

Marly will have to go instead

Cliff Marleau (Boston):

Oh hell no!

Why can’t Vicky go instead!

Victor St Simons (Boston):

Oh fuck that

The awards by themself are bad enough

I am NOT babysitting rookies at them as well

You:

Rozanov

You know the photo I have?

The one from when we had that bet at last years All Stars?

The bet you lost?

Lily:

…No

There is no photo

I do not know of any photo

Hollander don’t you fucking dare

Victor St Simons (Boston):

👀 theres a photo? 

That Roz doesn’t want anyone to see?

Scott Hunter (NY):

Oh this should be good 🤣

You:

:)

Oh I think you know exactly what photo I’m talking about.

And I am telling you if you abandon me to do that god awful speech by myself I will ensure everyone sees it.

Lily:

…

You wouldn’t

You:

Try me.

Carter Vaughn (NY):

Damn Roz, you got full punctuation and everything

Hollzy only pulls that out when he's serious serious

Lily:

…Fuck you Hollander

I'll be at the stupid awards

Cliff Marleau (Boston), Victor St Simons (Boston), Scott Hunter (NY), Hayden Pike and 10 others laughed at this message

***

Scott Hunter (NY)

Hey Scott

Sorry to bother you so early in the morning

But you know how you said you were going to research how to annul a marriage 

Did you ever actually do that?

…I might have

Why?

Can I have that information?

Please?

Please tell me one of your rookies didn’t actually get married last night

…

Not one of my rookies, no

Oh fuck

Hollander please tell me YOU did not get married last night

Hollander?

I don’t think you want the answer to that

WHAT

Aren't you meant to be like the responsible one??

Who the fuck did you marry???

Wait

Hollander why is Rozanov texting me?

Tell me you didn’t

Please don’t tell anyone

Oh for fucks sake

I’m coming over

Please for the love of my sanity be fucking dressed

And I am reserving the right to punch your new husband if he runs his mouth

…thats probably fair

Chapter Text

The captain of grandfathers and his dumpster fires

You:

So…

The Menace:

No

You:

Rude

But anyway

I don’t suppose anyone from Boston would like to comment on why we had to share a locker room at todays game?

Vaughny:

Yes! Please do tell us why we had to share your already incredibly shitty guest lockers!

Zane Boodram:

👀

Rookies?

Hayden Pike:

Oh this should be good

Victor St-Simons:

Unlike our rookies I like living

So no

Cliff Marleau:

I’ll second that

I would like to survive our next practise

God knows our rookies wont be

You:

I see

@The Menace anything to add?

The Menace:

Rookies are as stupid as you are old

You:

…

Real helpful Rozanov

The Menace:

Yes it is the role of the young to help the elderly

Otherwise you would languish in bed with your creaky old joints

You:

Once again, I am only three years older than you!

Also stop dodging the question

What did your rookies do?

The Menace:

Yes, three centuries

Makes you a fossil

And is Boston business

What happens in Boston stays in Boston

My team will not say a word bc they know what is good for them

Cliff Marleau:

🫡

Victor St-Simon:

🤐

The Rook:

😏

Ok but consider this, I’m not from Boston

Cliff Marleau:

Hollander how the fuck!

J.J Boiziau:

Mon Capitaine!!

Spill!

Vaunghy:

👀

Hollzy! You cannot hold out on us!

I need to know why we were made to suffer!

—

Lily (Shanes Phone)

Lily:

Hollander!

Jane:

Rozanov!

Lily:

Do not

Jane:

Don’t what?

I’m not doing anything

I’m simply texting some friends

Lily:

Hollander

please

Vicky will give me disappointed sighs

Marly will never let me live it down

please

I am begging

Jane:

really? I couldn’t tell

Lily:

please please please please please

whatever I did, I am sorry

Jane:

oh?

and what exactly are you sorry for?

Lily:

everything

sorry that I did not pick socks up

sorry that i ate delicious perfect McGriddles for breakfast every morning this week

sorry that i suck your dick too good

sorry that i used your toothbrush last time you were here and did not tell you

Jane:

You did WHAT?!

I’ve been using that toothbrush for WEEKS ILYA

and you’ve just been letting me??

thats so fucking gross!

Lily:

We are husbands!

and you were not complaining when my tongue was in your mouth last week 😈

Shane come on!

its not a big deal!

I will buy you new toothbrush

Hollander? 

Hollander come back

I am sorry!!

Very sorry!

Shane!! Answer me!

I know you read this

I can see you typing in the gc

Do not do this to me!

Hollander if you do this I will never suck your dick again

Jane:

You should have thought of that before you used my fucking toothbrush

Also awww

Its cute you think you would be able to hold yourself to that threat

Or that it would work on me!

I hope you know I wont be sending anymore pictures for quite a while as well

Lily:

…Blyat

Jane:

Actions have consequences

and paybacks a bitch

and to think I had a new toy I wanted to show you tonight

Ah well I guess Ill just have to fly solo tonight

Lily:

🥵

You are a cruel cruel man Shane Hollander

Very very cruel to your husband

Jane:

Sucks to be you

—

The captain of grandfathers and his dumpster fires

The Rook:

Don’t worry Vaughny

I would never hold out on you like that

The Menace:

Hollander if you do not shut your mouth I will end you

The Rook:

You would have to catch up to me first

and based on last years all stars, we all know you can’t

You:

🤣

Zane Boodram:

Damn Hollzy!!

Who are you and what have you done with hockeys golden boy!

Felix Aarons:

Hold on when did Hollander learn to chirp!!

Also how on earth do you know what happened??

Hayden Pike:

Oh he’s always been like this

You should have seen him after he got his wisdom teeth out

They gave him the good stuff and with his filter gone he went feral

J.J and I made a game out of giving him a player and listening to him rip into them

J.J Boiziau:

Ah yes!!

Made for a very funny afternoon!

Zane Boodram:

OMG 😂

Victor St-Simons

I would have KILLED to see that!

Cliff Marleau:

Tell me you filmed that

and tell me you’ll send them to me

The Rook:

J.J…

J.J Boiziau:

Oh we got all of it

But non to sharing

Hayden Pike:

We have been thoroughly warned (read: threatened) on what would happen if we do

Unfortunately for you lot, I like having working limbs

You:

Ok as funny as that sounds

(and I want that video)

We have gotten distracted

@The Rook what happened to Bostons locker room!

The Rook:

Well about a week ago

Rozanov had his rookies come in for an additional practise

And wound up being left unsupervised around Rozanov's things

The Menace:

Hollander!!

Hollander don’t you fucking dare!

Vaunghy:

Ignore him Hollzy!!

Tell us everything!

The Rook:

Oh I intend to

Anyway apparently, Rozanov had left a pack of smokes and a lighter in his stall

and one of them spotted it

I take it you can all see where this is going?

You:

Oh no

Hayden Pike:

Oh yes!

James Foster:

What the actual hell did I just wake up to?

Eric Sullivan:

Chaos man

pure and utter chaos

its glorious

Cliff Marleau:

Hold on!

Cap you did not tell us this!

You said the fire got started bc the rooks were being stupid

and were trying to test how many things they could plug into one outlet 

Are you now saying its bc they what??

found one of your packs of smokes and tried to do it themselves??

The Menace:

Is lies

Liar told you this

Hollander is a liar

do not believe a word he says

Victor St-Simon:

…Right

So @The Rook how exactly do you know all of this?

Bc management have been doing a pretty good job at keeping it quiet

like it is quite literally only us three who know who started the fire

the rest of our team thinks it was just an electrical fault

The Rook:

Oh Rozanov told me

Hayden Pike:

SORRY WHAT?!?!

—

Rival Fucking Headaches

You:

Hollander, what the fuck are you doing??

Are you trying to get out you two to the chat?

The Rook:

Relax

they wont figure it out

I know what I’m doing

The Menace:

Yes

you are ruining my life

we made vows!

we swore to spend our lives together!

and you are turning against me!

deserting me!

betrayal!

You:

…

Is he always like this?

The Rook:

Unfortunately

and calm down you big baby

i am not ruining your life

i am simply implementing proportional consequences to your actions

You:

Rozanov what the hell did you do??

The Menace:

Nothing!

The Rook:

It was NOT nothing

The Menace:

Fine

Nothing to deserve this!

The Rook:

You absolutely deserve this

It was disgusting and gross and I cannot believe you didn’t tell me!

The Menace:

I said I am sorry! 

You:

Actually you know what?

I don’t think I even want to know

Hollander are you sure you still don’t want that annulment info??

I still have it

It’s not too late to ditch this insanity

The Menace:

Back off Hunter!

Go find some geriatric fossil to cuddle up next to

Your home is museum, should not be hard to find!

You:

Oh go fuck yourself Rozanov!

The Rook:

Congratulations Ilya!

You have just added another week to your sentence!

Well done!

The Menace:

Please Lyublyu!

The Rook:

No

—-

The captain of grandfathers and his dumpster fires

Vaughny:

Oh this will be interesting

or at least it will be if Hollander stops leaving us in suspense!

Come on Hollzy, Im dying to know over here!

Cliff Marleau:

I am going to need answers

and I am going to need those answers RIGHT FUCKING NOW

Hollander get back here!

Hayden Pike:

For once I agree with Marleau

Shane get your ass back in this chat right now and explain!!

Victor St-Simon:

Hollander I swear to god this dropping shit in the chat 

and then disappearing immediately after better not be becoming a habit

What the hell is he doing??

Hayden Pike:

Shane I am warning you right now

I am not above setting Jackie on you

Nor the twins

The Rook:

Sorry sorry!

Just had to turn someones texts on do not disturb

Also Hayden, bold of you to assume that Jackie wouldn't just find this incredibly funny

Or that the twins wouldn’t choose me over you in a heartbeat

Hayden Pike:

🖕

Just answer the question!

Felix Aarons:

Get out of Hollanders dms Rozanov!

The people want to know!

You:

Yes Rozanov

Stop trying to distract Hollander

J.J Boiziau:

Shane

Mon Capitaine

FUCKING SPEAK

The Rook:

Ok ok!

Basically Rozanov called me the night it happened

and I think he must have mixed up his contacts or something?

because he kept calling me ‘Jane’?

but yeah anyway he told ‘Jane’ everything

I didn't even need to say a word 

I think he actually might have been drunk now that I think on it

You:

I don’t even know what to say to that

The Menace:

Dead Hollander

You are fucking dead

You will not walk off ice next time I see you

You:

Oh please

You have no one to blame but yourself for this one Rozanov

The Rook:

Sure Rozanov

You're so very scary and I am so very very terrified by this threat

It is totally not the same threat you make every time we see each other...

Vaunghy:

OMG 😂

Hayden Pike:

Shane! Why the fuck did you not tell me this sooner??

The Rook:

Rozanov hadn’t quite pissed me off enough just yet

Plus I thought this would be funnier

I was right

Victor St-Simon:

Hollander

Hollander you have to tell us everything

Rozy has been texting this girl for years

and literally all we have been able to find out is that she lives in Montreal

that shes an absolute hockey genius 

and that she absolutely does not put up with any of his shit

I’m not even entirely certain Jane is her actual name!!

The Rook:

Oh?

The Menace:

you shut your mouth vicky

Cliff Marleau:

Don’t forget the fact that shes an absolute beast int he sheets

You should see Caps back after he sees her

Not to mention the fact that shes the only girl I’ve seen make him blush!

Boston has been wanting to meet her for years

We actually think that she was in Atlantic City for the awards

Purely because of how mauled Caps neck was

I had to lend him one of my shirts the next day bc his were all too tight against the scratches!

The Menace:

Jane is best lay yes

I will even say she is my favourite

But the rest??

Lies! All lies!

I am russian, we do not blush!

Cliff Marleau:

Well this one does

and I have the proof

Sent a photo

You:

🤣 Hes so red!!

“Russians dont blush”

You sure about that buddy??

Vaugnhy:

Bloody hell look at his back!

You guys were not lying about Jane

Zane Boodram:

I cannot believe you drunk dialed Hollzy instead of your girl

Though to be fair - their names are fairly similar

J.J Boiziau:

Hold on

Does this mean that Rozanov is dating a Metros fan??

The Menace:

Jane is not “my girl”

We are not dating

You all need to mind your own business

and Marly and Vicky will shut up if they wish to have working legs after next practise

The Rook:

Sorry boys

On that my lips are actually sealed

Wouldn’t be fair to Jane

You will have to do your own sleuthing

Hayden Pike:

Oh please

You just don’t want anyone to dig too deep and accidentally find out about your Boston Lily

Zane Boodram:

Whose Boston Lily?

The Menace:

No more chatting!

—-

Rival Fucking Headaches

The Menace:

i hate you

you are asshole

why do you do this to me!!!

The Rook:

You know why

and by the way

you going on about me being a beast in bed?

and your "favourite lay"?

So not helping your case 

The Menace:

I am going on about Jane!

They do not know it is you!

and I am not lying

you are my favourite lay

and you are wild in bed

Is very sexy 🥵

The Rook:

Asshole!

you are not doing youself any favours here

The Menace:

I am sorry!!!

How many times do I need to say!

Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry

I will make it up to you!!

The Rook:

Oh yeah?

and how will you do that?

The Menace:

with this 

Sent a picture

The Rook:

ILYA!!!

THIS IS NOT OUR PRIVATE CHAT!!

You:

OH FOR FUCKS SAKE

WHY! WHY DO YOU DO THIS TO ME???

THIS IS NOT YOUR PRIVATE CHAT

I DO IN FACT RECEIVE THESE MESSAGES

AND I REALLY DIDN'T NEED TO SEE THAT

The Rook:

Scott I am so so sorry

The Menace:

Oops

Sorry wrong pic 😏

You:

I hate you so so much