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Damian is going to have to request to Father (again) that Drake be moved out of the house. Immediately.
This latest transgression was the last straw, and Damian couldn’t afford to give him any more goodwill.
The incident occurred on a Saturday morning when Damian entered the kitchen for breakfast. As opposed to the wondrous sight of Alfred’s pancakes, he was met with the egregious image of Drake and the clone standing next to the counter and kissing. Fervidly. In the kitchen. Where food is made.
Damian initially tried to end the exchange with a withering glare, which normally gets Drake to at least pause in whatever appalling deed he is currently occupied with. Unfortunately, the two nauseating lovebirds didn’t even seem to notice his presence, which Damian thought was pathetic given that one was a highly capable vigilante (don’t tell Drake he said that) and the other had super-hearing.
It took him three rounds of continuously louder throat-clearing before Drake opened his eyes to glance over and immediately jumped backwards from the clone.
“Damian!” he croaked out, coughing into his elbow while the clone stared at Damian wide-eyed and with a gaping mouth. “Why were you just standing there?” he asked, rubbing his eyes, quickly turning from surprised to exasperated. Less could be said about the clone, who remained frozen.
“You both need re-training in situational awareness,” Damian declared, sitting down at the table, “Just be glad it was me who caught your lapse in composure and not Alfred, who I doubt would take too kindly to you two defiling his kitchen.”
The clone's eyes widened, as if that thought only now occurred to him, and he didn’t like where it was going. He swiveled his gaze towards his boyfriend as the other rolled his eyes.
“First of all, no one's defiling anything. Second, Alfred and Bruce are out for the morning, so I’m making breakfast.”
“I would rather starve.” Damian proclaimed, already getting down from his chair. “Especially given that you have not yet washed your hands.”
“My hands weren’t even doing anything!” Tim claimed, disgruntled, before he realized what he said and who he was talking to. He put his head in his hands for five seconds before regaining his sanity and looking back at Damian. “Okay,” he breathed, “if I wash my hands and refrain from kissing my boyfriend, which I have a right to do, will you let me make you pancakes?”
“That is acceptable.” Damian sat back down. “But I will still be speaking to Father regarding your immediate removal from this household, given the recent assault on my eyes.”
“Great,” Tim said, rolling his eyes. “Blueberries or chocolate chips?”
“Chocolate chips.”
“Can I have blueberr…” Kon started to say before noticing a piercing glare from Damian. “Actually, chocolate chip sounds amazing. Best pancake ever.”
Damian narrowed his eyes further but nodded in approval.
“That is a correct statement, clone. It is good to know you are still capable of critical thought.”
Drake sighed heavily, as if his younger brother pestering his boyfriend was more tiring than saving the world multiple times, which is just more evidence of Drake slipping in his old age.
“Sooo,” Kon began, trying to come up with a safe way to start an actual conversation with Damian - he generally chose far more combative routes when conversing with Damian, so the boy assumed that his sudden appearance had simply short-circuited his brain -, “I hear you're going to the farm to have a sleepover with Jon tonight. That’s fun!”
Damian nodded, “And if Father neglects to forcibly remove Drake from the premises, I fear I may have to remain at the Kent Farm for the foreseeable future.”
The clone nodded dumbly back at Damian before moving his gaze quickly to Drake, eyes pleading for help, but Drake returned his plea with an expression that basically said you’re on your own.
So Drake makes his boyfriend fight his own battles. At least there’s something he does that Damian can approve of.
“Well, um…” The clone began, seemingly trying to summon the English language from somewhere in his brain, “Lois would love to have you!” He exclaimed, finding something to say that was actually the truth. “And so would Clark, I’m sure.”
“Of course they would, I’m an amazing house guest.”
Kon nodded, not sure what else to say, and was immensely grateful when Tim placed three different plates of chocolate chip pancakes on the table. “Bon Appétit.”
They settled into an actually comfortable silence as they ate, the two teenagers thankful for the overall lack of sparing, both physical and verbal. Damian let them believe he was pacified, for the moment, while he enjoyed the passable pancake Drake made for him. He vowed to continue to keep the clone off balance as soon as the boy finished re-nourishing himself.
Damian still held doubts over whether or not the clone was a worthy, or merely even an acceptable, suitor for his brother. For one, he was the son of Superman, a disadvantage even Jon suffered from, though he had the redeeming quality of also being the son of Lois Lane. Kon did not receive such redemption from the likes of Lex Luthor.
Now, Damian was hardly in a position to hold anyone accountable for being the son of a supervillain; he simply found the supervillain in question extremely annoying. Even his brain could not account for his dry and egotistical speeches that Damian had to sit through at galas. Plus, Jon didn’t like him, and that was reason enough to hate anyone. So, the clone had two strikes against him without even touching the extremely rocky start of his and Damian’s first meeting at the Teen Titans when Richard dropped him off for “teamwork experience”.
Damian’s brother, while being extremely aggravating and foolish, was still his brother, and it was up to Damian to make sure he found a beloved befit of his worth. If Drake really was so set on having the clone in his life, Damian must make sure he was up to scratch.
“You should have seen it, Jon,” Damian said, theatrically (or genuinely, Jon couldn’t tell), shaking in horror and disgust, “Their lips were touching and everything. I think I’m scarred for life.”
The two boys were fully under the covers in Jon’s bed with a flashlight. It was 2:00 AM, and they were supposed to be asleep by now, but they hadn’t seen each other in over three days! They had a lot to catch up on.
“Eww,” Jon agreed, making a face, “Those two are like, disgustingly in love. I see them making lovey-dovey eyes at each other all the time when Tim comes over for dinner.”
Damian made a blech noise and threw his face down on the pillow, causing Jon to laugh before remembering that he needed to be quiet, so Jon too shoved his face in his pillow. When they came back up, a horrifying thought came to Jon, and it reflected on his stricken expression.
“What?” Damian asked, eyebrow raised.
“Damian…what if they get married?!”
Damian’s face mirrored Jon’s as that thought sank in. If the boys thought the two were bad now, imagine how gross they would act if they became husbands. The thought was almost too horrible to imagine.
“Ugh. We’d probably see the two of them together even more, being all disgusting: at galas, holidays, dinners…” Damian trailed off, gaining the look he always gets when a crazy idea or plan occurs to him.
“What is it?” Jon questioned, both suspicious and curious, as he was with most of Damian’s plans.
“Jon,” Damian said, grabbing onto his shoulder, excitement coating his voice, “marriage is a legally binding contract, forging two different families together.”
“Okay…”
“And,” Damian continued, a grin spreading across his face, “that changes the legal status of siblings of the spouses. Their bond in matrimony would make me a sibling-in-law to your brother and you one to my brother, technically making us legally brothers in a distant but feasible capacity.”
Jon’s mouth gaped open in shock before he jumped up to his knees in excitement. “Oh my gosh! We have to make sure they get married. That would actually be the coolest thing to ever happen, ever!” Jon exclaimed, in a rush, forgetting to be quiet.
Damian's excitement seemed tempered with caution, though. “I can’t sacrifice making sure my brother gets the partner he deserves just to suit my wants, unfortunately,” Damian said, eyes still narrowed in determination, tugging Jon back down from his knees to lie on the bed. “We must confirm that the clone is worthy of him, and then we will ensure that they complete their nuptials.”
“Well, we also have to confirm that Tim is worthy of Connor,” Jon said stubbornly, trying and failing to cross his arms intimidatingly while lying down under the covers.
Damian gave Jon a condescending look but rolled his eyes in acceptance. “Whatever will help you sleep at night.”
“Speaking of sleeping at night,” Jon’s mom suddenly said, voice appearing from outside the door, causing the boys to jolt and turn wide-eyed gazes on each other, “you boys better if you want to go on patrol together tomorrow.”
“Yes, ma’am!” The boys assured her, hurriedly turning off the flashlight and tucking themselves in.
“Soon,” Damian whispered determinedly in Jon’s ear, “we’ll get the two married, and then we’ll become brothers.”
Jon nodded steely back at Damian in the darkness, steadfast in their goal. They must begin immediately…right after they get a good night's sleep, of course.
They were able to begin their plan three days later, when both their dads had a Justice League meeting, and Jon’s mom had an assignment out of state for the Daily Planet. The two best friends requested that Tim and Kon watch them while their parents were away, and while the two were slightly surprised by the request, they honestly looked forward to spending time with their younger brothers.
They all decided to spend their day at the Metropolis Zoo, which, of the two cities, had a less likely chance of the zoo getting attacked by a rogue. It had a far higher chance of getting attacked by aliens, Tim pointed out, but rampaging aliens were far less of a threat than, say, Poison Ivy or the Joker. Kon tried to argue against this, but was quickly defeated by twin glares from the Gothamite brothers that said don’t underestimate Gotham’s criminals until you fight them yourself. Kon, having never fought a Gotham rogue due to the whole “no outside metas in Gotham” rule, had no evidence to argue against this.
The Super Sons' plan was a simple one: First, separate into two groups, Damian and Kon, Jon and Tim. Second, interrogate the teens on their overall commitment and worthiness towards their romantic counterpart. Third, get them married. Easy.
At first, Damian came up with an insanely complicated plan involving multiple sabotaged zoo enclosures and escaped creatures. Jon claimed that the plan was crazy and unnecessary, and they could just ask to spend time with them one-on-one without the accompanying hijinks, no matter how fun Jon thought they would be.
Damian pouted at first, claiming the animals should be “free and in the wild”. Jon claimed he was watching too much Wild Kratts, to which Damian rolled his eyes and said that that feat wasn’t possible, even for him.
When asked to separate, the lovebirds gazed suspiciously at one another, but didn't question it. Kon seemed to ask Tim with his eyes whether or not Damian was planning to kill him, to which Tim smirked amusedly and shrugged. Kon did not appreciate this.
As soon as they started towards the giraffes, walking in the opposite direction from Jon and Tim, Damian, never one to waste time, immediately began interrogating Kon without preamble.
“What are your intentions with my brother?”
Kon visibly appeared stunned, obviously not expecting this. He blinked once and then questioned, “Are you gonna give me a shovel talk?”
“First of all, I don't know what that is, so no. Second of all, it's rude to answer a question with a question.”
“Uh, right. Well, I ‘intend’ to love him and be with him for as long as he lets me. To put him first, ahead of anyone else, and support him in everything he does. Does that answer your question?”
Damian narrowed his eyes suspiciously but nodded, seeming to accept this answer. “Despite you sounding like you jumped out of a cheesy romance novel, I can tell your answers are genuine.”
“Oh, really? And how can you ‘tell’?”
“Micro expressions, breathing pattern, run-of-the-mill deduction. I am the son of the World’s Greatest Detective, you know.”
“Trust me, I know.”
“Now: back to my questions. Why should I or anyone else accept that you are a suitable partner for my brother?”
“Didn’t my answer to your last question cover that? Love, support, etc.”
“Don’t be absurd. Give me proof, data, something verifiable so that I know you are worthy and will stay committed to my brother.”
Which is when Kon realized: Damian may believe that Kon believes that his love for Tim will keep him securely tethered to his boyfriend, but Damian doesn’t necessarily have complete trust in the concepts themselves, let alone trust the staying power of Kon’s claims, which are entirely based on them.
Which seems fair, given everything Tim told him about Damian’s history dealing with familial betrayals.
“Look, Damian,” Kon began, trying to figure out a way to explain unconditional and unshakeable love to someone who was still coming to terms with trusting it, “Tim and I have been through so much together: Intergalactic battles, the end of the world, changes in the fabric of reality, each other’s deaths. There is nothing in the universe that could even hope to tear us apart. We’ll always be there for each other, no matter what, whatever our future may hold.”
Damian chewed on his lip, the first sign of vulnerability Kon had ever seen in him. He didn’t respond, but he continued onward, resolute, mulling over Kon’s words and coming to his decision.
On the other side of the zoo, Jon looked up at Tim, who was searching for the barn owl that Jon had already found hidden up in his nest in the top corner of its enclosure.
“Tim?” he asked, revealing his question when the teen looked down at him, “Do you love my brother?”
Tim’s eyes widened in initial surprise before a large, happy grin spread on his face. “Yeah, Jon,” he confirmed, “I do. So, so much.”
Jon grinned back at him, satisfied with his answer, and went back to admiring the barn owl, looking forward to sharing his verdict with Damian.
When the two groups met back up, Jon and Damian slipped over behind the ice cream stand to confer while the teens were busy ordering all of their lunches.
“So?” Jon asked, “What do you think?”
“The clone is far more satisfactory than I previously thought,” Damian revealed, seeming like it almost pained him to admit it, but Jon could see the relief on his face that his brother had someone who could be trusted to care for him for the rest of his life.
“I think your brother’s perfect for him, too,” Jon said, a giddy expression appearing on his face. “Does that mean it's time for step three of the plan?”
“Yes. I believe the zoo is the perfect place to do it, don’t you?”
“Oh, yeah,” Jon agreed, “This place is the coolest.”
The two returned to the table where the teens had brought their food. After quickly scarfing down their lunch, Damian instructed the soon-to-be-newlyweds to follow him to the open field behind the various food vendors.
“Uh, why?” Tim asked, eating his last French fry and raising his eyebrow.
“Don’t ask questions,” Damian said, waving his hand dismissively, “Just follow us.”
Once the boys led them out to the field, Damian spread his arms widely and began to speak.
“Congratulations, you two. Jon and I have deemed you both worthy and decided that you are to be wed. I am an ordained minister and am willing to bind you in legal matrimony at this time.”
Tim made a choking noise while Kon sputtered out a “Huh?”.
“Damian,” Tim said after a long moment when his mouth finally connected back to his brain, “first, what is this about ‘legal’? You are eleven. There is no way you are a legally ordained minister. Second, what is going on?”
“I believe you are getting too hung up on unimportant details. The point is, you and the cl - Connor are good for each other. It is only reasonable for you to take this important step to solidify the legality of your relationship, specifically with signed papers from a courthouse or some such legal institution.”
Before Tim could question Damian’s current obsession with the word “legal”, Kon stuttered to his boyfriend, “I mean, would you be open to getting married?”
“Right now in the zoo?!” Tim near-shrieked, voice rising many octaves higher than normal.
“No!” Kon assured quickly, face completely red, and continued, stuttering slightly, “I mean, at some point. In the future. Probably far future. Not in a zoo. In a nicer place, like a garden or a beach or something.” Kon seemed to realize he was rambling and quickly re-directed himself. “I want to one day get married to you,” he said, smiling, almost shyly, but maintaining eye contact with Tim, who was still gaping at him in surprise and awe. “Do you want that too?”
After three full seconds of Tim’s brain bluescreening, he jumped at Kon, putting his hands on the sides of his head and kissing him passionately (Damian and Jon both looked at each other and mimed gagging). Once they both came up for air, Tim smiled so brightly that Kon thought he might get blinded. Kon wiped away the small tears in the corner of Tim’s eye while Tim finally replied, “Yes, Kon. I would love to get married to you one day.”
They hugged each other tightly, shoving their faces into the space between the others’ neck and shoulder, when they heard a high-five in the background. The two pulled apart, glancing at the boys, who both held extremely self-satisfied expressions. Tim narrowed his eyes in suspicion.
“Okay,” Tim started, “would either of you like to tell me what all this was about?”
“What can we say,” Jon said, grinning unabashedly, “we wanted to make sure neither of you screwed up your epic love story.”
“Uh-huh,” Tim said suspiciously, “I actually do believe that part, but I still think there’s more behind it than that.”
“Jon and I realized that we would be technically brothers-in-law if you two were to marry,” Damian said, plainly, fine with revealing his plan now that events were firmly set in motion. “With your recent engagement, we are another step closer to securing our legally recognized brotherhood.”
Tim would’ve asked more questions if hearing the word “engagement” out loud for the first time didn’t knock the wind out of him. “Holy crap,” he said breathlessly, gazing at Kon as a sweet smile made its way onto both their lips, “We’re engaged, Kon.”
“Yes we are,” Kon beamed, kissing him again before taking him back in his arms. “What’s say we take these two back to Alfred and go out and buy some rings?”
“That sounds amazing.”
Jon leaned towards Damian to whisper in his ear. “The things we have to put up with to become legal brothers.”
“Don’t worry,” Damian said back, looking towards Jon with a smug grin, “It’ll be even more worth it knowing we are the reason these two actually got engaged. They're gonna owe us for the rest of our lives.”
“Heck yeah!” Jon exclaimed, giving Damian another high-five before following the fiancés out of the Metropolis Zoo, which will forever be remembered as the spot where Tim Drake and Kon-El got engaged.