Chapter Text
“ You lied to me, you didn't protect me. You failed me Anakin. “ A misty voice stated. “ I can't believe you're my master. "
I barely had the strength to lift my head from the dusty bed I was attempting to rest on.. I lazily look at the chronometer. Another sleepless night, It might be a personal record except it had become a blur. This wasn't the first time I heard her voice, Snips voice, my old apprentice, my friend, and so much more than words couldn't describe. Words and feelings that I never got to tell her.
No it wasn't the first time I heard her voice in my subconscious and it wouldn't be the last. Blaming me, something I deserved. Yet if it meant I could hear her voice again I began to look forward to her blame. I deserved it, I wanted to hear it. I knew I had become pathetic and selfishly enough I didn't care.
As I said the days and nights blended here, Though in a world with two suns the planet was never truly dark. I gazed at the chronometer again then I realized… It had already been a year. A fucking year and I didn't even notice. Another disappointment of mine, one she would blame me for and yet one I deserved and begged for. The blame I craved if it meant I could hear her, for the final words she spoke weren't even in my presence.
-
As much as I loathed that woman, I sensed an inkling of truth from Ventress. She had helped Ahsoka try to escape, so I don’t think she was the one who set up my apprentice. She didn't even have her lightsabers. I ran past the disoriented Sith apprentice after what she told me.
She said that the order abandoned Ahsoka, and I was still reeling from that. The pain in my chest confirmed there was some truth to it. Compared to the rest of the order it felt like it was us against the universe. The pain also lingered knowing I was also playing a role in abandoning her.
I forced those thoughts from my mind as I got back on my speeder. I couldn't fail her, I wouldn't… There was so much I wanted to say, to teach her, to experience with her.
I just needed to capture Barriss, force her to confess then everything would go back to normal. It was simple, it should have been simple…
I tried to ignore the panic I felt when I went to her dorm and found it empty. It was clear she was in a hurry, the little belongings that Padawan’s are allowed to have were strung around the room…
“ Rex. Listen to me. I need a ship and fast.” I spoke while pressing my commlink.
“ Sir? You want to leave the planet. You know about the trial- “ He began.
“ I know Rex. But I think I know who set her up… She's smart enough not to stick around..” I sighed as I rushed through the temple. " If she left this morning I can still catch her… “
I heard Rex hum on the other end of the line. “ I don't know we have that much time left, General. " He said grimly. " The Senate started voting on the verdict.”
My chest tightened, I felt a burning sensation. I didn't have R2 with me. I couldn't hack into the temple's footage to see where Barriss ran off to. I felt a prickle of anticipation from The Captain. This wasn't some run of the mill mission… I couldn't have him falter now.
“ I'll fix this Rex, trust me. " I said as I reached the airdock. “ Thanks sir, but it's not me that needs the trust." He said.
You did all you could.
No, I didn't. Don't lie Ahsoka, not to me.
With the Twilight destroyed my options are limited for leaving the planet. I tried sending what reassurance I could through our strained force bond.
It was probably hard for her to feel anything. When we caught her the other day I didn't see force suppressors in her skin, but that likely changed as she tried escaping.
Anakin…
“ I'm not abandoning you Ahsoka- I-i just need more time… I'll get you- I'll get us out of this. “ I spoke out loud. I entered the cockpit of a random ship, standard Republic build. It wasn't mine and I didn't care I had to get Barriss.
My chest was on fire, my heart was racing. The hair stood up on the back of my neck. “ Just- I'll get you back to me. We will go to Dex, get that spicy burger you like. There's things I still want to teach you. This isn't the end.” I continued
Among me fumbling with the clunky controls of the ship I managed to turn the radio on.
“ Have all Senators cast their vote in the affirmative? " A gravelly voice asked. I recognized it as belonging to The Chancellor. I tried talking to him to get him to give it another day but he hadn't responded.
I felt a sickness brewing in my stomach. I wasn't sure if it was coming from me or her.
I got you Ahsoka-... Please.
“ Then I shall read the verdict. Ahsoka Tano, former Disgraced Commander of the Republic Army… Apprentice to Anakin Skywalker. Found unanimously guilty of Murder and conspiring and plotting against the Jedi Order. “
Those words felt like knives to the heart. I couldn't even focus my mind on setting the coordinates of the ship.
" The charges are Sedition and Treason, and are punishable by death. "
I felt a heavy chill in the air… I stumbled back from the control panel.
My chest clenched like it was being squeezed by the force itself. I couldn't move but I felt my limbs shaking.
I felt panic, from myself, but that was quickly overshadowed by a heavy sense of dread and sorrow and all the emotions I failed to protect her from. It was crushing, it was immobilizing.
I couldn't be strong for her, I couldn't be what she needed. She didn't fail me, I failed her when I didn't trust her.
I came out of my trance when I heard the sound of a lone blaster weapon. What followed was screams, shouts and anguish.
All of a sudden I feel a sharp pain in my chest. My breath hitched as it felt like I had been shot in the heart. My vision was blurred and dizzy. The world was spinning .
I tried to stay standing but I felt the heavy pull to the ground.
I felt a deep ache in my body and as I tried looking up at the blinking coms but moving became impossible. I was used to pain both physically and mentally, but I wasn't used to the sudden plunge of cold. It was as if the color drained from the world. And there I was laying on the durasteel, unable to do anything about it… Some chosen one I was. When others chose to be around me. They often suffered… Because of me…
It wasn’t until I came too, that I realized what I lost.
I was in a sterile room, a room with no windows. I thought I was dreaming, everything felt too cold, too empty, too quiet. It usually meant that something bad was coming.
An impending sense of dread settled in my bones. I felt my energy was sapped, and I couldn't concentrate enough to reach the force… if I didn't know any better I was placed in a force suppressive room… But why?
Then it dawned on me that Ahsoka spent weeks in a room just like this. Cold and empty. An artificially grating light, no windows or any fresh air that she loved. I panicked.
“ Ahsoka! “ I yelled. " Where are you? Can you hear me? I don't give a fuck about the order… I-I’ll get you out! “ Just saying that drained me, but I didn't understand… Why was I here?
I kept trying to call her name. I mustered any inkling of the force I could gather, but the other end of the bond was blank and frigid, devoid of feeling, not just strained but gone completely. I tried fighting the growing sense of fear.
Was this how she felt while I was trying to clear her name? Cut off from me? I understood why she tried breaking out.
She felt abandoned in a place like this. She'd never say it, verbalizing her wants was something she seldom did ….
But that feeling was all I saw from when she jumped from that drainage pipe in the underworld of Coruscant. I understood why she fled, but I also couldn't get her killed by troopers or drones.
Despite the oppressive feeling of this room I managed to get to my feet and went to the door, obviously it's locked. I reach for my lightsaber only to realize it was gone. Fuck? What the hell is going on?
I couldn't use the force as normal. I banged the durasteel door with my prosthetic hand. I peeked outside and I saw troopers and droids buzzing around as if everything was normal .
I would have assumed the 501st put me inside here, but they wouldn't have taken my saber or my commlink.
I slid down to the ground again, exhaustion getting to me, I had hardly slept or ate and I wasn't planning to until Ahsoka was free.
We'd do our ritual after coming home from a long mission, grab something from Dex, then talk in our dorm until one of us fell asleep. One of the only breaks we had from everything.
As I sat on the ground the room got noticeably colder, I had on my thicker robes and I crossed my arms. It was hard to preserve my heat efficiently with a prosthetic, but I couldn't imagine how cold Ahsoka was.
She wore thin clothes because she frequently overheats. It's colder here than she's used to and that tightass Fox didn't let me give her one of my robes, it appears bad, it shows bias which is unbecoming of a Jedi Knight.
I outwardly scoffed. Such bullshit, it's only okay when they rush to judgement. The council was always judgemental, they barely wanted to train me despite this bullshit prophecy.
Despite talking about my strength, they didn't value my decisions. They kept secrets from me and used my grief against me! They want me around but they don't trust me! Then they didn't trust my apprentice? When I get her back to me, I’d take a long sabbatical and I'd take her with me, and I'd think about taking that break and making it permanent…
I tapped my foot on the durasteel floor. My thought that this was a dream seemed to fade, usually something would have happened already. And I was hoping it would, short and sweet so I could wake up and forget this ever happened. I tried tapping into Ahsoka’s presence again but I felt nothing… not her shields, nothing. My heart sank, even if she was sleeping I'd still feel her presence and she often responded with calming energy due to my nightmares.
Despite my mind knowing better I had begun hoping this was just some sick dream. Yes it's true I didn't eat or sleep, but I wanted nothing more than to see her safe and okay, and that would only happen with me.
I tried trusting the council with her but I'm realizing that that was the wrong decision as even her esteemed father figure Plo didn't protect her, no I trusted the 501st more, maybe Rex was planning something. I scoff again as I look around this sterile cargo closet of a room. No obvious way out…
After what seemed like an eternity, of me waiting, of me cursing the council, of me trying to find Ahsoka through the force and failing…
I heard the clearing of the throat of my former Master. I felt the drowsiness leave my body as I stood up to confront him. His eyes were sullen, but his expression was that polished calm that the Jedi ragged me for not achieving.
If there was anything that I could take solace in was that I had grown taller than him, I could look down at him. Like the council had done to me for years, even to this damn day.
The middle aged man eyed my face, studying my expression, probably thinking of what words he could say to try and pacify me. “ Anakin- “ He began.
“ Where is she, Obi-wan? “ I said, taking a step closer.
Obi-wan squared his shoulders, tensing them. There's blood in the water. Good, he should feel a fraction of the fear me and my apprentice felt.
“ I want to see her now. Bring her here or I'll go to her myself.” I said.
“ I'm afraid I can't allow you to do that. I'm not sure if you should see her as she is. “ He said, hesitating at the last statement.
My heart clenched. What the fuck does that mean?
“ So the council doesn't trust me with her, like I thought. They said I'd handle clearing her name and then they changed their mind? I don't give a shit what they think, I want to see her Obi-wan. I want to see her now.”
I tried reaching out to her presence yet again but nothing on the other side. My heart started racing, Obi-wan wasn't saying anything. As if the man who did most of the talking didn't know what to say. Every moment I wasted for an explanation from him, was one I wasn't with Ahsoka, was also one in which that fucking Ventress was right about me abandoning her.
I had to be smart about this… I was clearly on thin ice to be stripped of my weapon with no fucking explanation.
I unfolded my arms and lowered my head. My master took it as a sign of submission, stepping into the room into my territory. It didn't last long as I peeked out the door beside him and saw a glimpse of orange. I couldn't contain it anymore.
“ Ahsoka! “ I yelled, bolting past Obi-wan.
“Anakin! “ He exclaimed. running after me.
I didn't care about any future punishments or reprimands, I wanted to see her. I wanted to tell her I know who set her up, that I missed her.
I ran up the hallway past the many droids and troopers and Jedi. I kept reaching out with the force to no response. I reached the end of the hallway, out of breath, in yet another sterile room.
There she was laying in a flimsy stretcher. She looked hauntingly peaceful in the white room, droids were buzzing around.
“ Ahsoka? I'm here. You're safe. " I said, rushing to her side.
I was out of that force deprivation room, my connection to the Force returned. I didn't care if I was overreacting, I flooded my presence to her trying to get a response.
My head started hurting, I wasn't getting anything. “ Anakin…” Obi-wan repeated.
I shook my head, I ignored him.
" Come on Snips, wake up.” I said. " I know you're tired. I w-want to talk to you.”
Still nothing… not even an indication of a response. No, this couldn't be happening…
I checked her pulse and she didn't have one.
“ Ahsoka please, this isn't funny. " I said, taking a more stern tone.
She didn't move, her chest didn't raise.
" Anakin… She's not- " Kenobi began.
“ She's not what?! " I snapped. I began begging to the force that this was some sick nightmare to torment me with.
I took my glove off, frantically checking her pulse. Ignoring the shivers her cold, stiff skin gave me.
My fear got the better of me and I pulled the white blanket off her.
My eyes widened. A blaster shot, clean and precise right through her heart.
Time slowed and I felt the rage build. I could only stare at the wound as if I could force it closed, force her heart to start beating again. For her to wake me from this torment, to tell me this was all a dream.
I wouldn't care if she blamed me for not being there. I deserved the blame, I doubted her, I wasn't strong enough… I failed again.
I couldn't believe this. I refused to.
“ I'm so sorry, Anakin…” Obi-wan solemnly replied.
I could only numbly grip her hand as my mind was on fire…
I shook my head again as I felt my face heat up. My eyes stung as if I was in a blistering sandstorm. I would blink and it was if I was also seeing my mother during her final moments.
Everything felt wrong, everything was both too loud and too quiet, I felt hot but everything was cold.
I had a brief sense of relief when I thought she was crying, only to realize the droplets on her face were from my tears.
I failed. Again I wasn't strong enough.
Still I felt my master approach me.
“ You're- you're lying. " I mumbled.
" I wasn't sure how I'd tell you about this. Perhaps showing you was the better option. I would never lie to you-
“ LIAR! “ I roared. " You did fucking lie to me Obi-wan, you faked your fucking death and you thought that I would just move on?! “ The medical droids surrounding her had started malfunctioning.
“ You said she was our Padawan but you didn't keep her safe! You didn't fucking choose us over your precious council. " I ranted. " I tried to play this your way and it failed, she's gone Obi-wan. She's gone, like my mother!”
I couldn't control my breathing, I had begun sobbing. I heard the sound of glass and metal breaking, the sounds of droids short circuiting and alarms going off barely drowned my thoughts. There I was, some prophetic hero, crying like a child. How could I save the universe if I couldn't save the ones closest to me.
-
It has been a year and I was still crying. My eyes stung. My headache worsened, I had seen that day scarred into my mind everyday as if I had been reliving it. Even on an arid shithole that is Tatooine, everything felt cold since that day.
Time moved slow yet fast. I had already been here a year, I remember ranting and raving about this place and yet it was so far removed that I wouldn’t cause any problems or get anyone else killed. It was the place I spent with my mother working for Watto. I was a slave, my fate wasn’t my own and somehow life was easier that way.
My sorrows were interrupted by the sound of chirping. I didn't have energy to investigate, though I had a feeling that I knew what it was, birds weren't exactly common on Tatooine. I absent-mindedly grabbed another bottle of liquor planning to take a swig only to realize it was empty.
I sighed as I looked at the numerous other bottles scattered around. Out of ways to drown out the pain. As someone with so many Midichlorians, substance inducing drugs don't do anything after awhile, but they took the edge off during the bad nights, which for me was every night.
I slowly stood up, ignoring the crushing of the glass bottles. The chirping got louder, and it intensified my migraine.
Without even really thinking, I threw the bottle in my hand at the wall. The force shattered the rest of the glass. My dingy room was now full of glass shards, many of which were too small to see… A representation of myself and my failures.
A pity, this is the fate of the failed Chosen one.