Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

How do you stay kind when the world keeps reminding you that kindness might get you eaten? I don't mean that dramatically. I just mean... literally.

It's the question that's been circling in my head since I was old enough to understand what "carnivore" really meant. You can be happy and kind all you want, but when your lineage is the one doing the eating, the hurting, the killing.. Well, you feel same in a way that makes you feel pretty bad at the same time. Herbivores walk past you and flinch, even when you're smiling. They see teeth, claws, instinct, but they don't see you. And yeah, I get it, I really do, yet it still stings.

I've never once wanted to hurt anyone. Meat.. God, the word alone makes my stomach turn. I accidentally said it out loud once in front of my parents and spent the rest of the day apologizing. My family frilled it into me early: herbivores are people, just like us. They breathe, think, laugh, cry, dream, before they become just a piece of "meat" they're living beings with names and stories. How do people forget that the second hunger kicks in? Bullying herbivores get shrugged of as natural caution, but bullying carnivores gets called justified fear. We're all enemies in each other's eyes and the only way out is to be normal. Do good things, be the good one and don't eat people. Some of us try harder than others and then someone dies anyway.

The day we found out was ordinary until it wasn't. I was sitting on the low brick wall in front of the schoolyard, legs dangling, deck of cards spread between me and my roomates from Room 701. They'd been punished for skipping math homework again so I'd brough the cards during their break because I felt bad leaving them out there bored. I'd done my homework, of course. I always do my homeworks but friends forget sometimes and I'd reminded them a thousand times last week, even yesterday but it didn't matter.

I've won three hands in a row, Miguno groaned and covered his face when i slapped the Joker down on the bricks with a grin.

"I've got the joker!"

Miguno recoiled like I'd thrown cold water on him.

"Damn!"

Durham sat up straighter, playfully sticking his tongue out and ears flicking "Hey.. why'd you put away all the cleaning stuff so early, HAAA??"

I laughed. "We can read you like a book."

After we packed up, Durham clasped his hands behind his head and flopped back onto the grass, staring at the sky.

"Thanks for the game, Jack. But seriously... it's not fair we have to clean the halls at dawn just because we didn't do some stupid equations."

I tilted my head. "I told you guys to do it. You could've copied mine if you didn't want to bother. But noooo, guess Mario Kart was way more important."

Collot snorted and stretched his arms "Dude, who cares? It's herbivore dorm's territory anyway. That teacher's such a fake ass annoying pimp with her stupid lessons. 'Carnivores should try harder to integrate' Like we asked."

Miguno nodded. "Yeah, such a stupid rule. Why should we care about their classes? It's not like they're gonna trust us anyway, yet we have the power to eat them up."

I looked between them and my smile was fading a little. "What an tough thing to say, guys."

A few seconds of quiet passed and then I spotted Lisa, the quiet doe friend of mine who usually sat next to me in physics was coming out of the gym building. She was an early rises like always, so I waved.

"Lisa! Good morning!! How come you're up so early?

She froze for a split second, eyes wide like she'd seen something frightening then she ducked her head and hurried off without a word.

I blinked once. "Weird... We usually get along fine."

Durham smirked from the ground. "You probably hurt her feelings or something."

"No." I said quickly. "I would never."

That's when I noticed the crowd near the main entrance. I can say police cars with the police officers directing people back filled the area. An ambulance parked crookedly, lights off but doors open and at that moment my stomach twisted.

"What's going on over there...?"

Collot glanced over, he surprised yet unimpressed. "Probably a fight or something, it happens every week."

"But police is here and even... Ambulance?? It was never this bad."

They shrugged and didn't move, I think if school was burning they would definitely search for a time to rest. I gave them a look that asked if they were serious. I stood up anyway because curiosity won. Or maybe worry, it's the same thing sometimes.

I walked closer and hear how officers kept repeating variations of the same thing as:

"Stay back from the building."

"Nothing to see here."

"Move along."

A cluster of herbivore girls I recognized from literature class were whispering furiously. I approached slowly, hands were visible, a small smile and careful.

"Hey... excuse me. What happened? Why are the police and ambulance here?"

One of them, a impala girl startled at my voice, then relaxed when she saw my face. "Oh! Jack. It's... An alpaca boy was found dead in lecture room two."

Such incidents happened frequently in Cherryton, but not often enough to cause someone's death, so naturally I was truly shocked when those words hit like static. "W-what?"

The other girl who is a pony next to her crossed her arms, she had a bit more sharper tone. "You heard her, his name was Tem."

I knew him from physics class, we weren't too close but we had a lot in common and I can say we were friends too, it was pretty shocking to hear that he was dead. The girl continued talking.

"Police think a carnivore from here did it. So it could be anyone, even you."

Last two words made me flinched. "I- are you implying.. I..?"

The girl next to her elbowed her "God, Emiko! Don't say that to random people!"

"I'm just being watchful." she muttered and then shoved a battered notebook into my hands, the cover read

DRAMA CLUB: SHARING JOURNAL

I only stared. "What is this."

"Isn't that gray wolf Legi... One of your roommates? Give it to him."

"It's Legoshi," I corrected gently. "And yeah, he's my best friend."

"Good." She turned to leave.

"Wait- why not give it to him yourself?"

She stopped, looked back with contemptuous eyes. "Are you kidding? I'm not talking to a creepy wolf the day after a herbivore got brutally killed and eaten."

"Eaten...?"

"You're so innocent, Jack."

They walked away without another word. I just stood there, notebook heavy in my hands. The crowd pressed in around me but everything felt distant. I knew Tem since last year, we were in the same physics class since then and he was always a very nice person, to me, to everyone around. Who can ever kill him? He never was mean to a one single soul as I've seen, he was more active in his club but I can't know because Legoshi never talks about his club though.

I really couldn't believe what have I learned one minute ago, but I quickly pulled myself together and I glanced back at the bricks. Boys were still lounging, cards were forgotten. They hadn't followed or didn't care enough to check.

I tucked the notebook under my arm, Legoshi was in drama club; he'd know what this was. I'd find him later, he was hard to pin down early in the morning. For now... I have to go to the second period. I wonder Mr. Renard's reaction, he lost one of his important students.

PHYSICS CLASSROOM - SECOND PERIOD

The projector hummed like a dying insect, its light flickering across the whiteboard in pale blue pulses. Mr. Renard paced slowly in front of the screen, voice smooth and measured as the looped footage played: a flea coiling its legs, explosive release, perfect arc through empty air, landing without a sound. Again and again and again.

He's been talking about jumping for forty-five minutes. Not just the fleas; famous kangaroo athletes, grasshoppers, frog citizens etc. How certain carnivores channeled elastic potential into short, devastating bursts to close distance on prey.

Equations flowed from his neat, slanted handwriting: force equals mass times acceleration, energy transfer, stored tension released in an instant. The class was mesmerized, herbivores and carnivores alike leaned forward, eyes were bright and pens scratching furiously. Even Durham, who usually is the first to crack wise was taking diligent notes. It looks like everyone wanted to be bright student today, except me.

I sat a bit higher seat near the window, notebook open, pen gripped too tightly. I hadn't written a single word in twenty minutes. My gaze kept sliding from the screen to Mr. Renard's hands, his long fingers, claws trimmed short and polished, gesturing with precise elegance as he traced the curve of a predator's tendon on the projected diagram. He was good at this, really good. The kind of teacher who made complex ideas feel simple, who made you feel smarter just for listening. The kind who made you want to be noticed. And I hated how much I noticed him. He's a red fox, has a deep russet fur with black points on ears, hands, tail tip. Always impeccably groomed and fur brushed. Wearing fitted dark green button-downs, sleeves rolled to mid-forearms and he wasn't wearing tie. His glasses are thin, wire-framed, slightly tinted amber and they make his eyes look warmer than they are. I think he's even more worth watching than anything he makes watch through the white board.

The bell rang sounded a bit louder to me.

Mr. Renard smiled and clapped once.
"All right! Class dismissed. Don't forget chapter twelve, problems one through fifteen. Have a good weekend!"

Chairs scraped and bags zipped, voices rose in a sudden, relieved wave as everyone streamed out. Laughing, complaining, already planning their evening.
I packed slowly, made sure nothing was left on my desk. I always tried to stay on good terms with teachers, but today I also wanted to slip away without a long conversation and I guess it was because he didn't talk about Tem's death before the starting of the lesson. I was already halfway to the door when his voice stopped me.

"Jack! Wait a moment."

I froze, turned and heart doing that stupid fluttery thing it always did around him.
"Yes, Sensei?"

He waited until the last student left and the door clicked shut with finally, then crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back against the edge of his desk.

Not so newborn sunlight slanted through the windows, catching the deep russet fur along his muzzle, making the amber tint of his wire framed glasses flash warmly.

He smiled in a small and polite way he always do.
"Honestly, I just wanted to commend your hard work lately. You're studying diligently, completing every assignment flawlessly. It makes me very proud."
He paused, letting the praise settle between us like something tangible.
"You've always been at the top of my classes," he continued, tilting his head slightly. "But the way you've pushed yourself even harder these past few weeks... hungrier, almost. Believe me, that kind of dedication will shape your future. You already know that, don't you?"

I shifted my weight and forced a small smile.
"Thank you, Sensei."

He stepped closer casually, like he was just closing the distance to emphasize a point.
"One of the perks of being a senior is that next year, after the semester break, of course. You and five other top students will get private tutoring until graduation, it's going to be like one-on-one sessions with advanced topics. Basically collage preparation but with the full program, you're definitely going to be in the first five students.."

I nodded automatically and smiled.
"That sounds very helpful, I didn't know that was still a thing though.

He tilted his dead again, studying me.
"It definitely is, so... What do you think? About future."

I looked down at my hands, still clutching my notebook like a shield.
"I think... I'm considering becoming a professor someday, or something like that. I don't have anything else in mind yet."

He laughed softly, pleased, the sound low and warm in the empty room.
"Oh, you'll have it someday! Just more hard work." He flenched his fists and pose them like a boxer to me, it made me smile again. "More hard thinking, you'll do it.

Then he reached out and patted my shoulder friendly, but lingering just a second too long. His palm was warm through the fabric of my blazer, his thumb brushed once along the seam and warmly smiled down at me.
"Now I have to go. We can't waste our free time right?? So... See you later."

He winked quickly and playful, walked past me toward the door. Leaving my hand suspended in the air where I'd started to wave back. I stood there alone in the sunlight, heart hammering so much loud it echoed my ears.

I don't understand why we hadn't even talked about Tem yet, I'd meant to ask because Tem was in his class too, one of his students and Mr. Renard had praised me like nothing happened, like the world hadn't cracked open this morning.

Maybe he was avoiding it or maybe he thought I didn't need to hear it again, but damn. I'm really attracted to him I guess, but I think it's only an attraction but he's like this especially to me. Yet next year.. Maybe I'll have a chance to ask him out someday, he's in his early thirties so we are pretty close. But whatever, I think that's not something to overthink about, I walked out slowly with my heavy legs and noticed how hallway was almost empty, but I could still feel the ghost of his paw on my shoulder and I hated how much I wanted him to linger, but I was already imagining what it would feel like if he ever touched me again. I kept walking, my head was down and my ears were burning, trying to pretend I didn't notice the way my tail had started to wag when he acted like I was something precious.

The bathroom door swung shut behind me slowly, cutting off the hallway's student noises. Inside it was quieter even though tiles echoing every drip from a leaky faucet, I walked straight to the row on sinks, turned on the cold tap and cupped water in my hands, Splash it and let it run over my face until my face fur dripped.
I straightened up, looked at myself in the mirror.
Golden fur was still neat, ears perked a bit naturally, eyes the same bright hazel they'd always been. No mark on my shoulder where his Mr. Renard's paw had rested, no red spot or bruise, nothing visible was on me. Just me, a nice boy.
I forced the smile wider, practiced my lips up and teeth showing just enough to look friendly, not threatening. "
"You're good." I said to the reflection with my low voice.
"Everything's good. Or I guess it is."

The door banged open behind me, three herbivore guys strolled in, a zebra that wore a hoodie on his uniform, a goat that looks pretty ugly but pretends he isn't and a donkey who's chewing gum. They're the kind that hung around Cherryton's back courtyard smoking rolled cigarettes and acting like the school belonged to them. Not the quiet types, the loud ones who needed an audience.
They didn't notice me at first or maybe they did and didn't care.

"Did you see Ellen in bio today??" Zebra said, opening his zipper to piss on the urinal. "Those titties man..

Like how is that even fair? Zebra rack on full display, my kind is lucky."
Donkey one laughed. "She bent over to pick her pen and I almost passed out, herbivore privilege or what?"
Zebra continued talking. "She knows what she's doing, teasing the whole class without speaking or anything. Carnickers can't even look without getting called predators."

That word. They use it so much and it's disgusting, I am not joining so I washed my hands fastly to get out of there. They were smoking indoors and still talking to each other with dirty jokes, zebra boy got so much in his bladder and he was still pissing. Goat's eyes flicked to the mirror and landed on me, he paused mid-zip and smirk grew slower.

"But dude, I think the secret of getting girls is acting like a cute eight-year old baby with big mind, look how much girls are talking to Jack!"
Donkey laughed. "Dude, you look like a kid but there's nothing cute and smart about you."

I didn't turn when they were talking about me, kept drying my face with a paper towel, water dripped from my whiskers onto the sink.
Zebra joined in after he finished his job with urinal, leaning on the next sink over.
"What's up, retriever?? You look like that one.. what was his name?"

Donkey reminded him by saying "Retard."
"Mr. Renard, like he praised your ass again, tail still wagging ha???"
They laughed like it's funny, I mean it's definitely funny for them to make fun of people like me and I don't think I could say anything."

Goat stepped closer, voice dropping into that fake concern tone bullies use when they want to sound clever.
"Seriously though dude, you gotta be careful around here now. Didn't you see how that unknown predator eat the shit out of Tem?? Suddenly every carnivore's a suspect, even the nice ones, especially the nice ones. Smile all you want but we know what's hiding under there." He put his hand on my shoulder and pressed my throat with his other hand, all I could say was "Stop it."
"Chill out, we're not gonna eat you." and burst out a laughed the way a gangster will do while a gum still inside his mouth while he's still smoking.

Donkey joined the conversation. "Why should we even stand this close? He could snap or something like we can't do anything to defend ourselves."

I finished drying my face, folded the towel once and set it down. I knew that they waited me to snap back, or shrink, or at least look hurt. But I smiled a little just to show I'm not hurt or anything
"Thanks for the concern," I said quietly. "But I'm good."

I turned, walked past them. Behind me, I could hear the laughter started like they won something.

"See? Too soft to even bite back."
"Pussydator."
"Run along, pooch."

The door closed on their voices, they were muffled now. I kept walking down the empty hallway.
They hadn't gotten to me, not really. But the words stuck anyway, not because they hurt but because they were loud and loud things drown out quiet ones. Like the quiet question that had been sitting in my chest since morning.
If even the "nice" ones get looked at like monsters... what chance does anyone have? A question without any answers.

I turned the corner toward the main corridor and spotted him almost immadiately; Durham, loping along with that loose, careless stride of his, hands shoved in his pockets. He was alone, nobody from 701 was with him. There was just him, looking bored and a little restless.
I jogged to catch up.
"Durham! Hey- wait up!!"

He glanced over his shoulder with one brow lifting, slowed just enough for me to fall in step beside him.
"Jack! What's up, sunshine? You look like you just ran through a sprinkler or something.."

I laughed shortly, It felt good to hear my own voice sound normal again.
"Something like that. Just needed to wash my face.. you heading to next class?"

"Yeah, History class. The one where the teachers pretend carnivores didn't exist before the school ws built."
He smirked, but it didn't reach his eyes. "You?"

"Same, mind if I walk with you? I was looking for Legoshi. He's vanished again."

Durham snorted.
"Legoshi? Good luck. Kid's been ghosting all day. Skipped the breakfast, didn't show up to morning drills. Probably off staring at walls somewhere or brooding like he invented melancholia."

We kept walking, lockers clanged shut around us, students drifting in lazy streams toward classrooms and I still wondered why everyone is acting like nothing happened, actually I was also acting like nothing happened too. A friend died and yet I'm trying to act energetic.

I glanced at him sideways.
"You've noticed it too, right? He's been weird since. Well, since this morning, when you guys were going for cleaning.. I didn't saw him after that."

Durham shrugged, shoulders rolling under his uniform jacket.
"Legoshi's always weird, that's his brand right?? Like you know him for years you should know it better than us. Wolf with the thousand-yard stare, today's just an extra."

"But Tem..." Yeah, I had to drag him into this. "He knew Tem, they were in the same club. They weren't super close as I heard from Tem himself, you know he was sitting next to me in Physics. I still can't believe no one asked or talked about him, even Mr. Renard. And I wonder what Legoshi thinks. They're scaring of him already."

Durham's steps didn't falter, but his tail gave a single irritated flick.
"Yeah, I know, police tape was everywhere and you just walked towards there by leaving us alone in bricks, you're too brave" He kicked at a stray crumpled paper on the floor, sending it skittering. "It sucks, Tem was alright. He really was active and happy, he did nothing to be killed like thatç"

I looked at him harder.
"You don't sound very sad."

He stopped walking, turned to face me fully and arms crossing over his chest.
"Jack what can I do?? Look Tem's dead, it's shitty and I'm sad as fuck, is this enough?"

Okay, so I'm kinda scared.
"No, I-I just-" I rubbed the back of my neck. "You sound off, like it doesn't matter and you're already over it."

Durham stared at me for a long beat, then he let out a short and dry laugh
"Over it? Nah, I'm just not gonna let it eat me alive. You know how this works, carnivore kills herbivores and everyone freaks, points fingers, whispers 'it was one of them.' Doesn't matter if it was us or not. We're the monsters in the story, always have been. Yeah a person died, very sad but wallowing? That's a luxury I don't have. None of us do."

I opened my mouth, closed it. And tried again.
"But.. He was one of us, doesn't that deserve more than 'it sucks, let's move on'?"

Durham tilted his head, eyes narrowing.
"You're doing that thing again. The golden retriever cliche. Trying to fix everyone's shit with empathy and big eyes. Newsflash, Jack: the world doesn't get fixed and it just keeps fucking spinning. All the herbivores are terrified of us, carnivores are pissed about being suspects and we're still walking to history class like nothing happened. That's how it is."

I felt my tail droop.
"I'm not trying to fix anything. I just don't like seeing everyone shut down... Including you."

He studied me another second, then sighed, a long and tired one like he's deflating.
"Look, I'm sad about it, okay? He didn't deserve that, nobody does but if I sit around feeling it every second, I'll go crazy. So I shove it down and just stopped caring 4 hours later after I've learned about it, works better than crying in the bathroom." He paused. "You should try it sometime, might save you from heartache."

I smiled
"Maybe, but I don't think I could. I feel everything too loud."

Durham rolled his eyes, but there was no real bite in it.
"Yeah, that's why you're the pack's emotional support dog." He started walking again, slower this time. "Come on, class is starting. If we're late, the teacher'll make us write essays on 'why punctuality matters in a post-instinct society.' I'd rather die."

"Well, you won't because there's like ten minutes til' the bell. But whatever."

We reached the classroom door, not so many students were there and I guess that's why, don't know why.
Durham paused with his hand on the frame, looked back at me.
"For what it's worth, I'm kinda glad you care this much. Someone has to, just don't burn yourself out doing it."

He pushed the door open and went in. I took a breath and stepped inside, class started but the questions didn't stop.

I'm not going talk about history period's or other periods I've gone to, they were basic tutors that the teacher is teaching stuff and there is nothing beside that, yet every single teacher talked about Tem's murder and students only listened to them with fear, grieving and maybe anger.

After the pass of few classes, they let us go to a lunch break and as I always do. Lunch bell rang like a tired sigh through the halls. Voices overlapping in a hungry roar while students spilling out of classrooms, I spilled away from the crowd, bag slung over one shoulder and the drama club journal still tucked inside my bag like a secret I hadn't figured out how to share yet. I just wanted some rest in the quiet dorm. Maybe lie down and stare at the outside from the window until the day made sense again.

The hallway to Room 701 was narrower, less crowded. I kept my head down, replaying the dialogue I had with Durham and the closeness I had with Mr. Renard, my hands moved on autopilot.

And then.. BAM! I collided hard with someone solid. My bag slipped, notebook sliding halfway out. I stumbled back.
"Oh, ouch. I'm so so sorry, I wasn't-.."

Wait there is nothing to worry because it was Bill, he's a tiger in drama club and he's usually not in this floor of the dorm apartment, he's in the lower floors but he comes up to see his friends. He's been walking the other way, head high and tail lashing once in irritation.

He looked down at me, blinked and then his scowl melted into something almost fond.
"Jack?? Damn! Little man, watch where you're going. You hurt?"

I straightened fast, rubbing my shoulder.
"No no, I'm not hurt, sorry. I wasn't looking, it was my fault-.."

Bill laughed deeply, the kind that filled the space. He reached down and picked up the journal that had fallen from my hands, glanced at the cover, then handed it back without opening it.
"No harm. You're one of the few today who doesn't flinch when a tiger walks by. I like that."

I took the journal and pressed against my chest in my arms.
"Well, we are not so different. Are you heading to lunch?"

"Nahh, I skipped it. Too many herbivores staring like I'm gonna eat the salad bar." He rolled his eyes, arms crossed over his massive chest. "Speaking of.. Those herbie assholes in my chem class today? Unbelievable. One of them, it was a pony named Emiko, she's annoying as FUCK. She literally moved her stool three feet away when I sat down. Like I'm contagious. Called me 'predator' under her breath. I swear to god if I so much as smiled, they'd scream."

I winced.
"Oh Bill, that word is rough..."

Bill Snorted.
"Rough? It's bullshit. They act all superior like we're the ones who started the divide. 'Oh no, the big creepy tiger might look at me like I'm a food.' Meanwhile they whisper, glare and cross the hall, call us monsters behind our backs, fucking herbie pricks.

The slur landed heavy and I know it was mean but he had his right ways, yet it was pretty disrespectful.
"Bill! Don't call them that. I know you're angry but it's disturbing anyway. It just makes it worse.

He looked at me with a genuine surprise, then a half-grin.
"Come on, Jack. You're too nice. You hear what they say about us? 'Watch the carnivores.' 'Don't get too much close.' Last night Tem died, and now it's an open season. They're scared, fine but they don't get to treat us like garbage and expect us to do nothing about it."

I nodded softly. "I get it, really. I've felt how people are flinching and avoiding eye contact too, even friends I know acted this way. But calling them names doesn't help, it just gives them more reason to be afraid.

Bill pushed off the wall.
"Maybe they need a reason." He paused for a second. "If we pushed back a little, they'd stop walking around like we owe them politeness. I'm really tired of being the nice bro type who takes it. You know how many times I've bitten my tongue this week? I'm this close..." He held up two thick fingers, almost touching. "To roaring in someone's face just to see them scatter.

I kept my voice steady, I always calm Legoshi down when he was having a panic attack in the way old times, he's better now but the person in front of me is now a different friend of mine.
"I know you're angry, you definitely have every right but roaring or acting like you're going to bite off won't fix it, It'll just prove what they already think and you're better than that, Bill. You're the guy who makes his friend laugh during warm-ups. That's who you are and it's not fulfilled with anger."

Bill stared at me for a long second. Then he let out a breath, shoulders dropping just a fraction.
"You're too good for this place, you know that?" I smirked softly when he said that. "Always trying to see the best in people. Even when they don't deserve it."

"I think... everyone should do the same in their way."

He glanced at the notebook again, nodding toward it.
"What's with the drama journal? You in the club now?"

"Uh no, some girls handed it to me this morning, Emiko was the one who gave it to me."

"I could swear she'll give it to you with a contemptuous look."

"I mean, yeah she did it like that. And then she said give it to Legoshi, Tem's stuff was probably in there."

Bill's expression shifted to something darker.
"Legoshi, huh? He's like Nosferatu of the drama club, let's be for real."

I chuckled softly to the comparison, not because he's making fun of Legoshi but the way he knows he's cold and weird, which is I don't ever call him like.
"It's Legoshi, he's not cold at all but he's just fainthearted. Since we were kids he's been fleeing from society but I always forced him to get out of indoors, I'm like a big brother to him-"

Bill barked a laugh, it was real this time.
"Big brother? You guys have an age difference or is it just months."

"No, it's not months. I'm one year older than him."

Okay, so I made Bill gag.
"What. You look two years younger."

"Oh yeahhh, I literally look younger but the truth is I'm his big brother."

"It was kinda obvious, you protecting him all the time. But how- like aren't supposed to be in the same grade as Louis-Senpai?"

"Well, I started school one year late because my dad was so stuck in England because of his important work stuff that I never understood since I was a little kid and we stayed there for few years, I couldn't start school there so we came back to Japan and then I started one year late, I think it might be bad to be a child of a very important person who owns lots of banks and stuff, but it's kinda good because if we didn't stay there for one year more I would never met Legoshi where I should be his upper class. And I would be one of you guys, who thinks he's weird. But I believe your relationship with him is okay just because I can tell you who he really is. Everyone is okay with it."

I felt like I talked too much for a minute and thought he's so bored of me, he's probably wishing that he never tried to talk to me after I crashed to him. But he didn't think like that.
"I think it's a good thing to see the shy kid in our club having a friend so we can feel less weirded out around."

We both laughed shortly, it was quiet and shared. Then Bill rubbed the back of his neck.
"Listen... Thanks for listening to me and as return I listened to you. Most people just nod and walk away when I vent. You actually stay and it means a lot."

"Anytime." I said. "You're not alone in this, okay?"

He gave a short cute node, it was almost shy.
"Yeah, Okay. See you outside tomorrow, sunshine."

"See you."

He turned and headed the other way, steps lighter then before which means he's happy. I watched him go for a second behind his back and my heart warmed, ugh.. Men are so hot when they're nice. Later than that I continued my way toward the dorm, the hallway felt a little less heavy.

I reached the door to Room 701 and get inside, it closed behind me with a soft click. Everytime I step in this room there's something that makes me feel really safe and warm, I couldn't sleep alone when I was little so my mother was always sitting next to me til' I fall asleep on my bed, yet I couldn't fall asleep that fast somedays so she was sleeping next to me. I can't say I miss those days actually but wish I could sleep with my mom again because her hugs from the back were the best, when I left home to start high school... I thought it was going to be harder than the night I've passed without my mother, but when I met the people I have to share the room with til' the last year, I knew there's nothing left to fear of because I wasn't alone. I hope we will never tear apart, I don't think we will ever tear apart though.

Inside, bunks were messy in that familiar way, blankets are half off, video game cassets are around the table and few clothes tangled on the desk, Legoshi's side was the neatest; bed made tight, one pillow, a single folded towel on the nightstand like he tried to take up as little space as possible.
I dropped my bag by Legoshi's bunk and stood there for a second, I stretched my arms out behind my back and listened to the quiet, no one else was around, it was just me and the hum of the dorm's old heater.

I paced slowly, past the window, past Miguno's guitar but I wanted a little sound so I moved my index finger across the guitar strings, it made an erratic sound but at least a noise came. Then I past the mirror on the wall, caught my reflection again, ears still a little flushed from the hallway talk with Bill. I stopped and looked at my shoulder in the glass, the spot where Mr. Renard's hand had rested earlier. It was a soft touch with no mark but I could still feel it, the way it was warm and firm, lingering just long enough to matter.

I lifted my own hand and placed it there gently, pressed down the way he had. I could feel my face heated instantly and cheeks burning under my fur.

God, he was so handsome.

The thought hit like a slap. The way his russet fur caught the sunlight in class, the quiet confidence in his voice when he praised me, his amber glasses made his eyes softer than they probably were. His small and pleased laugh when I said I wanted to be a professor someday and how I had no idea on what I'm going to be, the thumb brushing the seam of blazer...
I dropped my hand fast and blushed even harder, turned away from the mirror like it had caught me doing something wrong.

"Stop it." I muttered to the empty room. "It's just admiration, I wish it is only an admiration.."
But my tail gave one traitorous wag before I could stop it, I exhaled and shook my head, walked over to Legoshi's bunk instead. I sat on the edge of his mattress carefully like I was borrowing something fragile, the sheets were cool under me. I pulled out the drama club journal that I've put on Legoshi's bed, it had a plain cover and edges word from being passed around.

I opened it slowly. The first pages seem very bright, club photos taped in crookedly, group shots after practice, grinning club members and stuff, Riz smiling to the camera with his one hand up and eyes closed (a brown bear who very sympathic, I don't have any suspect on him so I don't really care), with Tem next to him eyes wide open and smiling widely with his eyes, Louis looks pretty elegant and attractive in center-frame in sweatpants with a serious but small grin, someone put a crown sticker a little up to his head. Other pages are used like a personal journal that is not too much personal enough to show people, so I flipped further yet there were nothing except dew achievements like "No one tripped during the finale run-through, but they should try harder anyway." Wow, this is Auschwitz but kinder.
I flip the pages, a ticket stub from last year's showcase taped in with glitter pen hearts around it, it was probably from meteor festival and it's literally a thing I do not give a damn about. Next page was full doodles of the whole club as cartoon, Legoshi drawn taller than he really was, looking quietly proud but they did him dirty anyway, I hate the way how these fuckers act to him.

It hurt a little, all this life and small victories...and now one of them was gone. I never talked to anyone from drama club except Bill, I'll go to the drama club building to take a look at my friends from there.

As I kept turning pages, little notes of members were written over the pages, some of them were short and some of them were long. Ellen's elegant cursive: "Pushed the team hard today, they really hate me but they'll thank me later. Sheila almost broke her leg even though I could call her professional but It's a way to get better." I was right when I compared this club to Auschwitz.
Then, Tem's handwriting caught my attention. It was neat and a little hesitant, dated a few weeks ago.

"I feel like somebody's watching me."

Just that, it was written without any explanation, someone (Probably Bill) wrote "Ghost? :)" under it with a purple sharpie as a follow-up, other than that the words sat alone on the page.
Goosebumps prickled down my arms for a sudden, I stared at the sentence and read it again for at least three times.
Lately... I'd felt it too. Not all the time but sometimes in empty rooms, hallways at odd hours, dorm when everyone was out, that prickle on the back of my neck like eyes were on me even when I knew no one was there. I'd told myself it was paranoia, especially Tem's death making everything feel wrong today but seeing it written in Tem's own hand...

My fur stood up along my spine, so I closed the journal and set it carefully on Legoshi's pillow, after I rested a little I will look for Legoshi again and take this journal with me of course. I sat there a long minute, with my hands in my lap and heart beating too loud in the quiet.
I am not scared and I think it's because I'm a carnivore, that's such a ruthless and selfish thing to say but that's the truth anyway. But just because I'm not scared that doesn't mean I am fearless, I might get killed anyway and as everyone says no one is safe, I am not safe neither.
I hugged my knees to my chest, pressed my forehead against them and listened to the silent. I could take off my phone and spend my free time on listening to Sol Seppy or Catatonia with my earphones, but I don't think this is a dismay that music can't heal.

My comfortable rest ended after 20 minutes of thinking and looking at the details of the dorm I'm staying, I straightened up and I handled the journal again, it was the time to get up and find Legoshi. I know I'm keep saying that and end up not finding but if I won't find it now, I will anyway. I hoped that he's somewhere in drama club and the leave the dorm building just to search for him.
I kept walking, through the vegetation progressing towards the structure of the drama club and when I noticed vending machine a bit in front of the building, I wanted to stop there because I was thirsty for some cola. So I put 20 yen inside it and got a diet pepsi from a vending machine. Looking around because I forgot my phone in the dorm... So there was no other activity to do except looking through the dandelions on the grass.

That's when I saw Sheila stepping out from the door of drama club building, she moved like she always did; graceful, deliberate, the lead choreographer and pretty attractive cheetah who could make the whole dance team snap to attention with one flick of her tail. But today her shoulders were hunched, ears low, eyes glassy like she'd been holding something back too long. She looked very broken and It hurt to see.
We weren't super close, but we were friends. We laughed together at the jokes we made together about few annoying students we know during mixed rehearsals once or twice, called me "sunshine" like everyone else does when I helped carry props. And yeah.. gay guys and girls? We just click sometimes. Safe space with no pressure, I could be kind without it meaning anything complicated.

I took the pepsi can to my hand.
"Sheila? Hey... are you okay?"

She startled, blinked hard and then forced a smile that didn't reach her eyes.
"Jack, hi. Umm... yeah I'm okay."

She wasn't, I stepped closer and kept my voice low, soft.
"You don't look okay. Come on, what's wrong?"

She glanced around then leaned against the wall like her legs might give out.
"It's because, you know you've probably heard Tem's death and It was so shocking for all of us. Like, he was super tight with everyone and he was always there, he was sweet, nice, amusing, like... he was brighter than any lights we used on our plays." Her voice cracked. "And now he's just... gone, someone eat him like he was nothing."

I swallowed, the word "eat" still hit like a punch. "I know, I heard this morning. It doesn't make sense, Tem was good, everyone liked him."

She wiped her eyes with the back of her paw.
"He was up last night, he said he was gonna work a bit, maybe he'll sing.. God, he sings so good. We're never gonna hear him ever again, if I told him not to get out, maybe, Ugh FUCK I don't fucking now. It's so stupid, It keeps playing."

"Hey." I reached out gentle, touched her arm lightly without lingering, only comfort. "Stop, you couldn't have known, none of us could. Tem wouldn't want you tearing yourself up like this. He'd probably tell you to keep dancing and keep pushing the team. You're the one who makes the club feel alive."

She let out a shaky laugh.
"Ugh you're too nice, Jack. Everything you say is always right."

"Only when it's true." I smiled small. "Seriously. Just breathe, it's okay to be sad, but don't let it swallow all of you. Club needs to be strong with your strength."

She nodded slowly, shoulders easing a fraction but I could barely notice it because I was way shorter than her.
"Thanks, I really needed that I guess."

We stood quiet for a second, then her expression darkened again.
"And now everyone's looking at us carnivores like we're all suspects, me too. Girls who used to say hi now cross the hall and whispers like 'Watch out those carni-whores.' Like I'd ever-" She cut off and frustrated. "I'm supposed to be the hot one around here, right? The confident choreographer everyone wants to be, but suddenly I'm just another slutty predator. That's fucking racism, so fucking plain and fucking simple. And it hurts more because.. ı get why they're scared, but It's not fair."

My curiosity flared even more, I felt like Tem was killed just to victimize herbivore students even more and make all the carnivore students seem even more outrageous. I wanted to talk about the worse but I didn't wanted to push her when she was already raw.
"It's not fair." So I agreed quietly. "None of it is, but you're not just a thing that is sexualized by couple male popularity, you might be the hottest girl in Cherryton but that doesn't make you an object. You are Sheila and people inside the drama club, your friends who truly knows you will remember that."

She managed a real smile this time and it made my heart warm.
"Jack... You're like the only person today that talked to me nice, you're even hotter than me now."

I grinned "Stop it." and after my answer sharp and purposeful footsteps echoed down the hall.
Thee splendid red deer Louis appeared around the corner, he walked like he owned the air. Everyone usually stepped aside or straightened up when he passed and girls always get excited when he only walks. But today it wasn't like that.

He slowed when he saw us, eyes narrowing slightly at me talking to one of his club members. Louis didn't like casual crossovers like seniors mingling too freely with the drama crowd could "disrupt focus" or whatever his perfectionist code was.

Sheila straightened instantly and wiped her face one last time.
"Oh hey, Louis. I was just heading out."

He nodded once. "Rehearsal notes are on my desk. Review them tonight. We're not letting this... derail the schedule."

She gave a quick nod, then glanced at me again.
"See you sometime, Jack. Thanks again."

She waved lightly and slipped away, tail low but steps steadying. Louis stayed, crossed his arms and looked down at me like I was a minor inconvenience that had suddenly grown teeth even though we were in same age.
"Jack."

I met his eyes without any bowing, no "Senpai" or another nick name.
"You were mean."

He blinked, rare surprise flickered across his face because nobody talked to Louis like that, not directly or without layers of respect and fear.
"Excuse me?"

"To Sheila. 'Don't let this derail the schedule'? She's hurting. Tem was her friend too and neither mine, he was friend of most of us and you just business as usual."

Louis's expression hardened, antlers catching the harsh hallway light like blades.
"The club has responsibilities and yes. Tem's death is very tragic and we are all grieving from now on, but wallowing changes nothing. We have a performance in three weeks, if we fall apart now, everything collapses. You think Sheila wants pity? She want order, something to hold onto."

"Maybe she wants someone to acknowledge she's in pain first," I said, quieter but firmer than I meant. "Not orders, not 'keep moving' or anything like that. She was literally crying, Louis. In front of me and that's not nothing."

He exhaled sharply through his nose, almost a scoff.
"And what exactly do you suggest, huh? A group hug? Tears in the rehearsal room? That's not how we survive here. Carnivores and herbivores alike, we're all one bad instinct away from chaos. The club is the only place some of us have control and I am protecting that."

"Protecting it by shutting her down?" My tail flicked once, betraying my calm. "You didn't even look at her face, you only looked through her like she was just another dancer who needed to fall in line."

Louis stepped closer, one deliberate step and his voice dropped, low and edged.
"Careful, golden retriever. You're speaking to someone who's kept this club running for years and makes sure the lights stay, the scripts get memorized, the herbivores don't bolt everytime a carnivore growls too loud. I don't have the luxury of softness. Not today, not EVER."

I didn't step back, my heart was hammering but I held his gaze.
"Tem is murdered in our school and you're acting like it's just another rehearsal note. That's not strength. That's pretending nothing matters unless it's useful to you."

For a second, or maybe two. Something cracked in his eyes, it wasn't anger but it was something rawer. Insecurity? Guilt? It vanished as fast as it came but I know I made him like this.

"You think I don't feel it?" he said, voice dangerously quiet. "Tem was in my club, he was under my watch and everytime a herbivore death news flash on television, everytime the rumors start, everytime someone looks at me like I'm next on the menu or the menu itself, it's on me. I carry it. But I don't get to break in front of them. If I do, the whole structure falls, and then what? More bodies found in different places in school?"

I swallowed, his words hit harder than I expected.
"I'm not saying break. I'm saying... see her, see the members of your club and see their feelings. Just for a second before you fix everything."

Louis studied me like I was a puzzle he hadn't decided to solve yet.
"You're awfully brave for someone who spends his days smiling and playing cards with the pack. What makes you think you get to lecture me??"

"Because today everything just feels wrong."
I said and my voice cracked just a little.

"Everyone is shocked by a sudden death and they're all grieving, but some of them doesn't care and I thing you're one. You're shutting down anyone who shows it, that's what I see the way you talk to Sheila. I don't see what you're doing inside your own club but it's obvious, and someone has to say it out loud when everyone stays in deep silent."

Silence stretched between us, not so long but no so short too.
Finally, Louis uncrossed his arms. His posture didn't soften but the edge in his voice dulled by just a fraction. I can see few students passing were looking at us.
"You're not wrong," he said, almost reluctant. "But being right doesn't make the world safer, it just makes you louder."

He turned halfway like he was about to walk away but he paused suddenly.
"Deliver that notebook to Legoshi if you haven't already, And Jack-" He looked back over his shoulder. "Next time you want to call me out? Do it in private. I don't appreciate public lessons from underclassmen."

I didn't flinch.
"Sure, But if I see you treat someone like they're disposable again, I'll say it wherever I am."

He gave a short and humorless laugh like I have a braveness of a ignorant.
"We'll see how long that lasts."
Then he walked away with same sharp steps and unshakeable authority. But he didn't dismiss me, shut it down completely.

I stood there while my heart thumping so hard. I knew Louis for years since the first day of Cherryton and since then I see him as a rich boy who thinks they own the halls, walls and hearts. I wonder if I'd just made an enemy, but I didn't care less. I look inside the drama club building, it was empty and I guess Sheila was the last one who was there to probably calm herself after learning about Tem, when I asked her if she's okay or not; it just make her worse, I'm horrible. At least we could talk and she felt better, but now I have to take a look at the place just so I can give this journal to Legoshi.
"Legoshi!" I shouted loudly in the empty club, and my voice echoed. "Are you here?"

There was no answer, I shouted many times the same words but there was still no answer. Legoshi always lifts his head up when I call out to him, he's not here. Great, it makes me wonder where the hell is Legoshi even more and what I am going to do in last minutes of my lunch break.

Well, I did nothing much in the last minutes and I just walked around.

LAST PERIOD - 5 PM

The final bell had finally rung like a sigh of relied that nobody really felt. Classroom emptied in a slow wave, I zipped my bag with shaking fingers, slung it over one shoulder and started walking. I just needed to step outside for some air, somewhere the walls weren't pressing in so hard.
I kept my head down, ears low and tail tucked close. Everytime someone passed me, especially a herbivore student. I felt their glance slide away fast like touching hot metal and I hated it, hated how normal it suddenly felt.

I was almost at the double doors at the end of the corridor when that sound froze me.

"Jack."

It was deep and a little breathless, my whole body knew who it was Mr. Renard before I turned. I pivoted slowly, he was jogging the last few steps toward me, stopped a meter away, hands on his knees for a second, catching his breath. Then he straightened, let out a short and almost a little embarassed laugh once, then ran a hand through the fur between his ears.
"Sorry." he said, still smiling though it didn't quite reach his eyes. "I saw you from the staff room window, so I ran."

I forced a small
smile. "It's okay, Sensei. You didn't have to. Something wrong?"

He exhaled again and he was steadier now, he stepped a bit closer, just enough that I could smell the faint cedar of his cologne under the school's institutional scent.

"I heard." he said quietly and the smile faded completely. "About Tem, just now. One of the few teachers mentioned it in the lounge. I didn't know until five minutes ago."

His voice cracked on the last word, barely but I could hear it. I looked down at my shoes, the laces were still untied from the changing room. "Yeah, it's very bad. I still can't believe how I just get over it by time, it was just a unforeseem death, I don't know what to think anymore."

He took another step. "He was such a good student. Every time I used to think 'that kid is going to do something real someday'. And now, yeah it was very unforeseem."

He trailed off and swallowed.
I felt my own throat close. "He was nice." I said, my voice sounded small even to me. "He did nothing bad."

Mr. Renard nodded slowly. "That's what gets me. He was harmless, completely harmless and someone just ended him." He snapped his fingers once softly. "Without any warning or giving a reason we can see, he's just gone."

I stared at the floor slowly, the tiles blurred a little. Mr. Renard's voice dropped lower. "It scares me, Jack. More than I want to admit. Because if Tem can be taken like that, then anyone could be, even me, or you.." This is intense. "We walk these halls every day thinking we are safe because we follow the rules, because we're 'good.' But one bad instinct and a moment of hunger. It's over, just like that.

I looked a bit up, not too much to look at his face but he chest, my height already only reached his chest. But I could notice his face was closer than I expected. Then I suddenly looked up, he looks sad and tired, the lines around his eyes deeper than they looked in class.

"I keep thinking." he went on. "what if it happens again to one of my students? What if it had happened you? I see you everyday, you sit in any seat closer to the board, you take notes even when no one else does, you smile at people who don't deserve it. And I think... If someone hurt you." He stopped, shook his head once. "I didn't know what I'd do."

My chest hurt, not just from the words but from the way he was looking at me. Like I mattered and I was something worth protecting.
"I'm okay." I whispered, it sounded like a lie even to me."

Renard lifted both of his hands slowly, then he gently cupped my face, thumbs brushing the damp fur under my eyes. It was not possessive or demanding but it was just steady.
"Hey." he said kindly. "You don't have to be okay right now. You can be scared, I'm scared too."

His thumbs moved with the tiniest stroke, it was comforting and almost fatherly.
But my brain short-circuited anyway. The warmth of his palms, the closeness of his muzzle, the way his breath ghosted over my whiskers. For one stupid and endless second I thought - He's going to kiss me.

My body moved before my mind could stop it. I leaned in slowly and eyes half closing, heart slamming so hard I thought he'd feel it through his hands.
But then, reality slammed back.

No.
No no no no fuck fuck FUCK-
I jerked backward, his hands fell away. My bag slipped off my shoulder and hit the floor with a thud when my back hit the wall.
"I'm sorry." I blurted. "I'm so so sorry I- I thought..-"

Renard's eyes widened. "Jack-"

"I'm sorry." My voice cracked pretty panicked. "I didn't mean it uhh. I have to go."
I grabbed my bag and spun, then walked very fast.

Behind me I heard him softly call my name once but I didn't stop and look back. Lockers, doors and posters in the hallway blurred when faces turning to stare. I burst through the double doors into the courtyard, cold air hit my wet cheeks, I kept walking across the grass, past the fountain, toward the gates. My lungs burned and my eyes stung. I didn't stop until I reached the edge of campus, where the sidewalk met the streetlights. I bent over, hands on my knees and unstoppable gasping.

I was so stupid, he was just trying to comfort me and I thought... I pressed my palms to my eyes hardly, until spots danced behind my lids. I'm literally going to die out of embarrassment, I think he hates me now. Or least, think I am a dumbass. I'm one of his most important students, or even his most important student in his eyes since second year. And I did the worst thing ever that'll make him lose his interest on me, disturb from me and even hate me so bad.
I tried to calm myself down and took a deep breath, then stood up.
Then I grabbed my bag and walked towards somewhere without any knowledge of where I'm going, it's time to find Legoshi and get rid of this heavy journal.

I walked around the school til' I reach the dorm building, it took less than 10 minutes because I was still overly fast for no reason... Actually there was a reason but I was exaggerating it and can't move on. Male students were around, heading to their dorms with their friends, laughing too loud to the jokes they make to each other their laugh echoes in the certain part of hallway.
Not exactly a stampede, but there was a crowd of students on the dorm stairs, probably a mixed group of carnivore dorm roommates that stays in the same floor with my dorm. Fuck this, I'm taking the alternative way to head to my dorm, I would rather die than walk through them. I walked over the corridor of the floor 0, lobby was not so full but they were lots of students anyway.

I walked to the stairway to up floors I knew, we had elevator but I liked the feeling of climbing stairs. Then I saw him. The gray wolf Legoshi.
He sat halfway down the wide stone stairs leading to the lower dorm level, knees drawn up a little and back against the wall, doing nothing but staring at his long fingernails, the way they grow back pretty fast next day even though when he cuts them.

"Legoshi?"

He looked up with a slow movement like it cost him something and his ears flicked once.
"Jack."

I sat next to him without asking, close enough that out shoulders almost touched, but not quite. The stair was cold through my uniform pants.
"You look awful," I said gently. "Like you haven't slept in a week even though you sleep, I could even hear your snorts."
I grinned but he was steady, but to keep up with me, he grinned too.
"Have you even eaten anything real today? The sandwich you hand in breakfast doesn't count."

I noticed Legoshi's eyes turned to me and widened, it was cute.
"You know I ate sandwich today?"

"Mhm," I nodded once. "An egg one."

"How do you know that...?"

"Don't worry about it." I smirked but it lasted pretty short. "I just didn't see you all day and, I want to learn if you're okay."

He swallowed once. "I'm fine."

"You're not fine." I reached over, brushed a crumb from his sleeve like a worried mom. "You've got shadows under your eyes big enough to hide in, and you keep disappearing like I just said. So please tell me, why are you skipping meals? And stay in places I can't even find you.

He stared at his little finger. "I'm just thinking."

"About Tem?"
He didn't answer right away, just stared harder to his hands.
I sighed softly.
"Legoshi, please talk to me. You know you're my buddy and you also know I hate seeing you like you're carrying the whole school on your back. You don't have to do it alone, and..."
I didn't know how to continue after I said that "And" so I just spill what come to my mind first.

"Legoshi, leave that fucking club."

A moment of silence fell, but Legoshi broke it.
"What?"

"I mean, you should see how these nasty bitches act like to you. Like I love few people there but when it comes to people like Louis... I just can't stand how he treats you."

"Jack, please. It's not your business at all."

I felt a brief moment of regret. "Yeah. Whatever."
Judging by Legoshi's expression, he thought he'd hurt me by saying it's none of my business when his face softened and became even more innocent, but all I could think about was that I was trying to interfere too much in his life.
He slightly shifted while his ears lowered a little bit.
"Jack... I'm really okay, please don't make yourself fully responsible on me. I'm okay."

"No, you're not. But you will be if you continue eating breakfast with us again," I pulled my phone from my pocket. "Or I'm going to call your grandfather, now. Tell Gosha you're not eating, you're not sleeping and wandering around like a ghost. He'll talk to you himself if he has to."

Legoshi's hand shot out and covered mine on the phone.
"No no Jack... Please don't. Not now."

His grip was light but urgent, eyes wide for a second again then back to that quiet look. I guess I am very merciful so I lowered the phone and put it away.
"Okay, I won't. BUT. Only because you give those puppy eyes."

He let go and let out a small smirk, I'm glad I made him do that.
"Thanks."

We sat silence for a minute, the stairwell echoed with distant dorm noise of someone laughing far away, but here it was just us. I didn't wanted to force him about Tem situation that just happened, but maybe he wanted to talk too.
I leaned back against the wall and my shoulder was brushing his now.
"Do you want to talk about Tem? Everyone was pretty upset. God, I heard his name today very much and there's no other thing I can think of instead of that."

"I knew him. Everyone knew him, you did neither. And now he's gone because of someone like me."

"Someone like you?" I turned to face him. "Legoshi, you didn't do this. You could never do such a awkward thing like this."

He shook his head
"Everyone thinks I could."

Everyone sees him as the monster. I knew him since we both were puppies, so I can say he's the one who'd give you his last bite of food if you are hungry but they see him as a monster who'll eat them as a last bite to end his hunger. They don't see how good he is, they don't want to see and continue the way they're used to continue since the beginning. He did nothing bad but being nice and shy, that's all he did. If no one will get him then fuck that "no one", I am with him.

At the time, I'm thinking about Legoshi's effect on people. He take the Drama Club Sharing Journal from me and hold it in both of his hands, stared at its cover longer than he used to stare at anything. He's just weird like that.
I tapped his shoulder and he looked at my face.
"Are you sure that you still want to be in this club?"

He nodded.
"It's okay, don't worry for me, Jack."

DORM ROOM - EVENING

In Room 701, we always talk and do anything without a reason before getting into the shower for warming up, so to speak. I personally have the mind of finishing it faster, because even though that's the protocol, the idea of ​​showering with everyone else without a cabin, even though it's been like this for years, it is something I just can't get used to. Yet my friends are pretty okay with it, they were talking and making fun of the housewife about how her tooth had gotten on her lipstick, she's a mandrill and a cold bitch if we can say that. I don't remember any good memory we had with her so I don't care about speaking. At that time Collot was already peeling off his shirt, tossing it onto the growing pile of his bunk 'cause it gives his coolness in his literature. Others were already out except Durham who was doing push-ups before getting into the shower just because he loves the way water removes his sweat.

I sat on the edge of my bunk, socks still on and staring at the towel draped over my knees like it was a decision I hadn't made yet. Collot notice, he always notices when I'm quiet too long and walks on me to make me feel better.
"Jack," he said. "You coming?"

I looked up, he was standing there shirtless and his fur was still fluffed from the day.
"Yeah, just in a minute."

He didn't move, just watched me with the eyes I can't see because of his hair yet I could see his caring.
"You hate the communal showers." he said. "We could rig something, string up sheets or whatever, make a corner private like shitty little tent.

I almost laughed. "Everyone would lose and Durham would never stop calling me shower princess for two weeks, again."

"True." He scrathec his chest absently. "But still. Doing that thing since the day you were here for the first timeand you still look like you're walking into an execution everytime."

I shrugged one shoulder. "It's not that bad, everyone is naked and it's pretty equel. That's why they say, right? We built trusts without any hiding."

Collot smirked and said. "Yeah, I guess so. Come whenever you're ready or keep smelling like a garbage."
I smiled and he left to take a shower, Miguno was still continuing his push-ups and I was still thinking.

I don't believe that, but they want us to believe it. Without any cabinets or at least walls between us, they think if we see each other literally raw then the fear goes away. It's just animals trying to get clean anyway but it doesn't work anyway, seeing someone naked doesn't make me trust them that much, it just makes me see them more. Furs, muscles, scars, everywhere and I started wondering... What would they do if they wanted something or what would I do if they did what they wanted to do, and suddenly the shower isn't about getting clean anymore, it's about who is stronger and superior. And I just keep thinking what if there were cabinets, small shower curtains so it's be private. Not because we're ashamed, just because sometimes you want to wash your body without wondering if someone's counting your ribs or staring at your tail, deciding what you'd look like bent over. For me privacy isn't weakness, it's a breathing room.

Miguno stood up and turned to me, swinging his arms and jumping a few times.
"Come on, let's go! I'll stand in front of you if some third-year fucker gets weird if you want." he laughed.

"Oh, you don't have to do that." I got up from my bunk and then, we walked towards the shower room.

I strippted in the changing area, folded my outfits neatly on the bench like always, wrapped a towel around my waist until I reached the showers.

Miguno get inside before me without any towels and all naked, Whole Room 701 was there and they were chatting about stuff while they were washing their bodies as they sat on the stool, also a couple of third years I didn't know well even though my friends did, talking low about anything normal and load in a casual way they always do.
I stepped under the nearest free shower head, turned the knob to hot and let the water hit my shoulders hard enough to sting. Then closed my eyes for a second and breathed when water felt too good. But I could still feel the awareness, not just of the water running down my fur but the other naked bodies around me.

I've been homosexual for as long as I can remember knows what the word meant, never had to say it out loud and it just sat there quiet and constant like a second heartbeat, and in a place like this... It turned into something sharper and it was making me nervous.

I could hear and listen to everyone's conversations even I was trying to isolate myself. One of the coyote boys from Room 704 who is almost 2 meters tall shook his head as water splashed on his face, and a few drops hit his Miguno.
"Fuck, this water's scalding. Feels good though."

Miguno laughed and said. "You're just soft, Jun. Try standing under in longer it builds character."

Coyote boy grinned wide and took the wet towel to his hand, slapped hyena's butt with it hard enough to echo.
"Character? Dude no, that's just how Durham likes his showers, hot enough to cook his tiny balls.

Durham cackled and dodged another water flick.
"At least I got something to clog it with. Look at Voss, where's the equipment? Did it retract for winter?

Voss showed up a middle finger while he was washing his head fur and they laughed even harder.

And then I'm the faggot, they can even do hand job to each other as a joke but they're still straight beside that, to disconnect from reality and ensure all I could hear was the sound of water, I closed my eyes and tried to truly feel every drop hitting my body. Not very hot but not tepid too.
This very "brotherly" atmosphere was what I can literally call cringe, but my point was how they were all naked and how I was also naked with them, I don't they were only seeing my thin body and thinking nothing because I believe they are feeling like doing stuff too, that's what scares me.

It took few more minutes when I could feel the water was still running hot when the 701 guys starting wrapping up, Collot was first to turn off his showerhead and he shook the water from his ears. Durham and Voss followed, Miguno stayed a second longer, scrubbing at his mane one last time before shutting off the flow.
I kept my back to them while I was rinsing the last of the soap from my legs, trying to make the process take exactly as long as it needed to.

Miguno's voice bounced off the walls first.
"Hey Jack! What's taking so long? You hiding a third led or something back there?
Before I could answer, he stepped closer and slapped both paws on the outsides of my thighs with a playful friendly pat.
I flinched when he touched my thighs for a second.
"S-Stop! Oh god, Miguno..."

Collot laughed.
"What? Is it hard?"

Miguno and Durham lose it, Voss covered his mouth not to show his little smirk and the others boys in the room cackled. Of course I had to defend myself so I speak of, as I forced a laugh.
"No! Oh my god, just don't touch me like that."

"So you're hiding it?" said Miguno, and that really got on my nerves.
"Fuck off." I said and turned halfway so he couldn't see how fast my ears burned. "Some of us actually wash properly."

He grinned just like that. "Yeah yeah, prude." he have my thigh one more pat jokingly then let go and sauntered toward the changing are when towel was slung over his shoulder. Durham said. "Well, you better hurry up then. Protocols said everyone has to be in the dorm so they can sleep."

Collot laughed with him as they leave the shower room together. "Dude, that's not even true." and their voices faded as the door swung shut, now I was alone without any of my friends. I stood under the stream a second longer and letting it pound against my head while trying to drown out the noise in my head. But the noise wasn't just in my head.

There were other dorm boys who were still showering with me and talking about stuff, they were third years, or maybe sophomore. Yet they were really loud and speaking about topics unfiltered, the way guys get when they think no one's listening. I couldn't see what species do they have because I turned my back to them, looking at the wall but I knew that they all are carnivores.
"-The way her skirt is too short enough we could see her butt cheeks... Dude holy fucking shit, I'd bend her over the fucking lab table in a heartbeat."

Laughter exploded like it's so funny, another boy talked.
"Spank that thing red, she's pretend to hate it but we all know she's love it."

"You're sick as hell! But yeah I'd put my dick between her boobs. Zebra stripes right down the middle, bet they bounce like crazy or maybe all the herbitches has that."

I heard a towel snapped again down to someone's ass and someone yelped, then laughed again.
"Shut the fuck up! You're making me hard just thinking about it."

They laugh about her body like it's the funniest thing ever, talking about bodies of girls and especially herbivore girls is making them as worse as whoever killed Tem, or maybe I'm too feminist for that.

Someone talked again and said a that made me gasp quietly.
"-But what about Tem? Bet he bounced some pussy before whoever got him and he didn't die as a virgin, unlucky herbie..."

Silence covered the whole place but it was not because they think it was disgusting, it was a good dark humor for them.
"Dude... too soon."

"What? It's true. Herbie getting eaten is not our problem, they fuck with it very well." Same person who made the joke muttered.

Someone laughed and said.
"Whatever, more room in the drama club now and maybe Sheila is single..."

I knew the fact that they didn't kill them but I was right when I said they're worse as Tem's killer, they're worse because they could joke about a dead person just like that. I would understand if they joke about dead people like Hitler but Tem was never bad, there is like no way to call him a bad person. But they joke about it like he was just another punchline and a part of me wanted to scream at that, but other part of me wanted to pretend I hadn't heard anything they talked about.
I turned off the water, weirdly silence rushed in when they were talking very well until the shower head I'm using turned off, only drips from the shower heads and my own breathing was there to hear.

I stepped out from under the head, my was fur heavy and dark with water. I grabbed my towel from the hook and wrapped it around my waist, it was the moment I noticed. The few stragglers that are still in the shower room were looking at me. They weren't joking or laughing, they had a not so friendly lingering and it was assessing. Slow drags from my face down my chest, my stomach and the towel knotted at my hip, more or less it twisted my stomach.
I stood there for three full seconds fully frozen, water was still dripping from my fur onto the floor and my heart was beating so loud I was sure they could hear it. But I walked past them as I moved faster, didn't look back and kept walking into the changing area.

The air was cooler there, was in the mind of changing up fastly. I didn't notice the footsteps behind me at first, not until I reached my locker bench but bent to crab my clothes.
When a coyote shadow that is longer than me fell over my shoulder pretty close, I straightened fast.
"Hey Jack." he said, his voice was low the way he talked about how scalding the water is. "You always that long in the shower?? Or just when you think no one is watching... Huh?

My tail flicked one, it was a nervous tic I couldn't stop. I forced a small smile.
"Just... Just washing up, you what how it is."

He tilted his head as he stepped closer, he had huge muscles for a boy one year younger than me, not too much but enough to make him look big.
"Yeah, I know how it is."

My eyes dropped to the towel and then back up, I felt the changing room suddenly too small, smaller than a cabinet.
"Why you're always so careful around us, you think we're going to..." he leaned it closer, I could feel his breath on my skin. "Eat you?"
Then he burst out a laugh and his friends also laughed so hard too, I understood it was joke that second.
"You should've seen your face! You really thought I was gonna fuck you."

I swallowed.
"It wasn't funny, don't make jokes like that."
I reached for my shirt, pulled it over my head fast and covering as much as I could. I left the laughing noises behind me as I left the shower room.

I pushed the dorm door open with my shoulder, the little TV was on and playing some late-night drama no one was really watching but it was open just for some noise, A pretty much cencored sex scene between two hyenas was playing, two of them are undressed in the bed, the woman and man were doing reverse cowgirl position and the kind of fake womans that sound more like someone practicing lines than actually fucking. My friends were talking to each other and laughing, probably they were joking to each other again. They barely looked up when I walked in.

"Jack's back," Durham said without turning. "You survive the gauntlet?"
I forced the usual grind. "Barely."

Collot snorted. "You always take forever in there, so that means Miguno was right.. Third leg confirmed."

Miguno threw a chip at him and Collot caught it wish his mouth. "Told you."

I didn't laugh this time, but I just gave a half-hearted "Ha." and climbed the ladder to my top bunk. Look down a bit and also noticed that Legoshi wasn't there but I didn't what can I do about it. The mattress creaked under me as I crawled in, then pulled the thin blanket over my legs and buried my face in the pillow for a second.
Unrealistic moans in the TV kept going, the guys didn't even comment on it anymore; it was background static like the hum of the dorm heater.
I rolled onto my back, pulled my phone from under the pillow and opened it. Light made me squint but I didn't turned off the phone anyway.
Looking through the pages to find something interesting, my thumb kept moving but my mind wasn't there.

Aside from Tem, I was thinking most about Mr. Renard today, that last thing I did... I still want to strangle myself because of it, I was going to kiss him like an idiot while he was just trying to console me, at least I pulled away without him pushing me back but I feel like he'll never look at me the same way again.
I started thinking about the other things I saw today, Bill talked with me, he called me little man and sunshine like everyone always did, it was so hard not to think about it oftenly, his chest was up when he's talking and he was stood with his brotherly helpful personality, but that wasn't I was thinking because he looked amazing.
And the coyote I saw, he wore a towel before getting in front of me but I feel like wish he didn't, so when we were both alone in the changing room he might... What the fuck, no.
How can I have a secret when it's too obvious, I'm showing my secret side every time I blush, every time I wag my tail, every time my eyes go wide... this is like burning stove but I can't turn it off.

I turned my phone off, my hand slipped under the waistband of my sleep shorts, slowly and careful, like if I moved too fast someone would notice even though I have a small door next to my bed of the bunk... I wasn't loud, never am, it's just soft breaths that continued with a tiny whimper when my fingers wrapped around myself, I was quiet enough to blend with the TV moans drifting up from below.
I pictured how Mr. Renard's glasses catching the light, how his laugh is low and pleased when I said I wanted to be a professor, the way his hand had stayed on my shoulder just a second too long, and then I dreamt about how he's letting me touch him but I was trying to erase that thought, I can't do it but let my hand move faster, my breath hitched and another small whimper slipped out.

I was close, too close... then the TV scene changed and I've the laugh of Durham.
"She's faking it so hard."

I pulled my hand out fastly like it burned as I frozed, then I rolled onto my side and curled up tight, my face pressed into the pillow so hard I could barely breath. The ache between my legs didn't go away, It just sat there heavily and finished by itself, I was too done to clean myself. I stared at the wall and the phone in my other paw was just open, being the light of the room.

I feel disgusting, I'm not saying this because of the way I feel even though it counts, it's because even after everything today I still let my body react like that. I'm still not over a death of my friend but I look like I don't care, even to myself like nothing happened and I never learned about it. That's so awful of me but I think Durham was right, we should keep things going on even though we are grieving as we were Tem's friends before he died. Because if I don't, I'll go crazy like I'm doing now. But thinking about things instead of Tem is also not good right now, there is nothing to think about when everything is ruled by the control of carnivores and herbivores, some of them wants to use and some of them wants to be used, I don't want to be used, but I don't want to use neither.

So I pulled the blanket higher, I just let my hope to continue this tale.

-TO BE CONTINUED-