Chapter Text
July 1, 2079
Bus Stop
Night City
79 Degrees, Raining.
(V)
....I hate to admit it, but Reed was right. I never should’ve come back.
I was scared. I am scared. NC was familiar territory, or so I thought. Plus, uhhh…. I don’t really have anywhere else to go. Everything I hoped for is gone. Erased, obliterated the second I opened my eyes and woke up after being dead for 2 years. I mean, yeah I have my life back, but what now?
I was in shock when Sol told me it was 2079, but that was nothing compared to how I felt after I pinged Jude. God. Listening to her tell me she'd gotten married, moved to Pittsburgh? WTF? That was too much. I ran to the bathroom and dry heaved until I gave myself a headache.
So, what am I gonna do now? I don’t really have any money. No one remembers me. NC’s changed so much. Corps own everything. Even Vik’s working for one of them now. Misty’s leaving. For some reason, Panam won’t talk to me. Johnny’s gone. Fuck….
I had no choice. I hadda ping my parents. We've never been close. Talk about weirdness. Jesus. I could tell they didn’t want me to come back home. Could tell by the way they kept asking me what I was gonna do now. Saying there’s all these opportunities back east.
It’s the perfect time to start a new life! They said.
They just don’t know anything about me. Nothing. I might as well have been in a coma for 25 fucking years, for all they care.
They offered me money, which was nice, but I need to feel safe. I need to be around other people. Not having any chrome is terrifying. I feel completely naked. Weak, like a strong breeze would tip me over.
It was funny. I could see the light bulb going off above her head when my mom told me to ping her sister, my Aunt Robin and ask if I could stay with her. At least until I get back on my feet.
Jesus, listen to me. Get back on my feet? Gah! I’m only 25 years old!
Robin lives in this tiny state called New Jersey. I guess it borders New York. Anyway, mom said she owes her a favor, so I thought, what the hell? What’s the worst that could happen? She says no? Sorry. I can’t help you?
So two nights ago, I reached out. We talked. She was aloof, not overtly mean. Just distant. Can't blame her. We've never talked before. She didn’t seem overly enthusiastic about me moving in, but she said okay. Told me she’d converted her attic into a little studio apartment, and that if I didn’t mind tight, stuffy spaces, I could use that.
She wants me to pay rent. I'm not surprised. I have to find a job, stat, but whatever.
I run my hand over my shaved head and light a cigarette, still waiting for the bus. It’s so stupid. Trying to smoke in the rain. Seems so preem when they do it in movies or on TV, but in real life, it’s just an exercise in futility.
****************
….To my right, a few feet away, there’s a young couple standing together under a metal awning, holding hands. She has her head resting against his shoulder.
I look down at my feet. Suddenly embarrassed and I don’t know why.
Fuck, V. Of course I know why! Whew! Just felt this rush of so many memories!
(Leelou bean. You really are gone, aren't you? Fuck, Jude. Talk about a gut punch.)
They look so happy, like they’re just starting out on some wild new adventure and can’t wait to see what’s next.
I instantly resent them. Resent the way she looks in his eyes, and how he holds her hand. I hope they break up. I hope she breaks his fucking heart.
No, no Valerie.
That’s not who you are.
Don’t begrudge them their happiness.
It’s so rare in a place like Night City.
And love?
That’s nearly nonexistent here….
We had it, Judy. You and me, remember?
Remember how good it felt, just lying on the couch, feeling the heat from our bodies, the smell of your perfume.
I gotta stop this. It’s only fucking me up worse. I look over and now they’re kissing.
I check my holo and stare at Judy’s last text from almost two years ago.
(Said you’d come back....)
I know I did, baby. I know. I love you. I’m sorry. Fuck, I’m so sorry. Sometimes, I swear it's like I don't even know what happened myself.
I should erase it right now. Get rid of it, once and for all.
No. No, I’ll never erase it. Never. Never….
The door of the bus swings open and the driver starts taking everyone’s tickets. I go to the end of the line. It’s raining harder. I’m wet, cold. I keep trying to turn on my Kiroshi’s. I’m scared and the world feels haunted. Everyone’s gone. I’m all alone. I’m hungry, but I have no appetite. I’m so tired. It’s a long fucking ride to New Jersey. I think our first stop is in a place called Wyoming or Utah? I’m not sure.
The couple are in front of me. Laughing, flirting. I’m so fucking jealous. It’s like acid in my veins. My chest tightens. Is it karma? Is that what this is? Am I being punished because I didn’t tell Judy the truth?
That I didn’t know how long I’d be gone for?
I take out my phone. Drops of rain quickly blur the screen.
(Said you’d come back….)
I reread it a thousand times. More. Over and over, like it’s my penance.
(Said you’d come back….)
Didn’t I, Judy? Didn’t I come back?
Bianca? Pittsburgh? Really?
Judy, being all cold and indifferent on the holo
(....Shit. You serious? Really hope you figure it out. Get yourself set up again. Hop on over for a beer, but now, I really can’t help you)
“Miss? I need to scan your pass. Hello? Miss?”
I’m zoning out big time, startled back to the present by the deep voice of the driver. He’s looking down at me with a scowl on his face. I’m the last person in line.
“Sorry.”
“I need to verify your pass.”
“Yep, yep.”
I hold my card underneath some weird scanner and the light blinks green. I feel so lost in this new world. Like I'm on the wrong planet.
“Good. Go on in. Make yourself comfortable. We got a long ride ahead of us.”
“Okay.” I try to smile but it comes out all awkward and I silently nod and walk up the steps. I look down the length of the bus. It’s almost full. I wanna sit by myself, but I don’t think there’s two empty seats.
Again, I try to use my Kiroshi’s. Thankfully, there’s an empty row near the back of the bus. Clumsily, I tighten my backpack, lift my duffel bag and walk to my seat. I notice the couple again, lost in their own world. Kissing and nuzzling.
I pause for a split second as a memory of Judy’s lips against my own twists like a knife in my heart.
Shit. Shit, my breath’s hitching. I’m gonna start crying, so I cough, clear my throat and finally reach my spot. I basically tumble into the seat, throw my bag next to me and shimmy out of my backpack.
Fuck, I’m crying. It’s dark. No one can see me. I can hear the rain hitting the windows. The air is stuffy. Humid and heavy.
(Said you’d come back. Said you’d come back. Said you'd come back....)
****************
Pittsburgh
(Judy)
Let’s see. How’s my life been these past six months?
Great. Really, really preem. I mean that too. After my ummm, well, after my breakdown, things just kept getting better and better.
I’m a newlywed. (so happy!) I got a new job in a new city.
Most importantly, there’s a new woman in my life.
Bianca’s incredible. The ying to my yang. We’re so different, but I actually think that’s a good thing. Hell, one Judy Alvarez in the world’s enough, yeah?
I’m so glad I got the fuck out of Night City. Fuck that hellhole. There’s nothing there except corps, ghosts and old memories that serve no purpose.
Bianca and I have been married long enough now for me to know she’s the one. Oh yeah. B’s definitely the one. No doubt in my mind. Absolutely, 100%.
I love my job. Working for a small company, fine tuning and streamlining BD software. I’m so happy to be out of that musty, dingy basement at Lizzie’s. Out of that dirty, smelly bar.
I’m still in counseling, but I’m thinking about giving it up. What do I need it for now, anyway? I have everything I could ever possibly want: Money, a nice home, a beautiful wife, good job. Yeah, I think my next appt. will be my last.
I already said goodbye to my old life and never looked back. Not once.
Met Bianca when she was in Night City for a work conference and we hit it off right away. Haven’t felt this amazing in a long time!
As far as staying in touch with anyone?
Nope. No way. What for?
No. This is the new me. No more insecurities or self-doubts. I think therapy cured me. Seriously.
Well…. That and the meds I’m on, but that’s no biggie. Nah. I’m preem….
Except….
That’s not really the whole truth, is it?
Fuck.
It’s a Thursday night in July and I’m sitting out back, drinking an iced coffee, listening to the sound of the traffic coming from the freeway. In a bizarre kinda way, it’s soothing, comforting to know the world is still at least functioning.
Bianca works nights, so I’m usually alone.
And I miss mi calabacita.
I just don’t know anymore if it’s getting easier or harder every time I open my eyes. I do know one thing though. I feel fucking awful about the way things ended on the holophone.
She looked so frail. Baby, you looked so scared. I turned my back on you and now it’s eating away at me.
But you have to understand. Everyone, and I mean everyone told me to forget her. Forget what we had. Move on with my life. Every single person at the bar. Even my counselor says it not good to dwell in the past. My friends back in NC all told me to get over her.
There’s only one person who warned me not to rush into this marriage and it was mi abuela.
And of course, I didn’t listen to her.
She always loved V. Always told me what the two of us shared was special. Rare, so rare. Even at the end, after two years of hell, she still said take your time. You don’t have to wait around forever, but take your time. Go slow. Take it easy. Take time for yourself, Ranita.
But Bianca swept me off my feet and I fell in love with her. She proposed and I said, yes. And I don’t fucking regret it all.
Not at all….
****************