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When Shane went down on the ice, Hayden felt white-hot rage towards Cliff Marlowe. Even if it was a legitimate hit, he couldn’t help but drop his gloves and swing at the Boston player.
At the time, he was all adrenaline and anger.
Now, as he stands outside of Shane’s hospital room, that anger has withered into worry.
“Haydennnnn,” Shane slurs when Hayden finally gathers the courage to open the door.
“Hey buddy. How ya feeling?” Hayden asks cautiously, stepping up next to the bed. His heart is in his throat as he stares at his best friend, bruised and battered in the hospital bed.
“I’m alright. Look what they got me in,” Shane says, motioning to the sling on his arm.
“Yeah, you got pretty beat up, huh?” Hayden says. “Sorry about that.”
“Eh, s’okay. I watched Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs on the hospital TV earlier, and that made me feel better. I want to jump in jell-o just like them.”
Turns out the doctors gave Shane the really good meds. Hayden laughs softly, saying, “I’m sure that would be fun.”
“It definitely would be. And, like, imagine giant food falling from the sky.”
“Real food, or the boring stuff you eat?” Hayden jabs playfully.
Shane narrows his eyes, but then breaks into a grin. “Real food. Tuna melts, pickles, whatever. Would be so delicious.”
Hayden nods. “So you’re feeling okay?”
“Of course I am! I’m in love,” Shane sighs with a grin.
“Are you now?” Hayden replies, raising his eyebrows in amusement.
“I really am. I’m in love because of tuna melts. And ginger ale. And…” Shane drifts off, deep in thought.
It makes no sense, but it also makes just as much sense as anything else Shane has said so far. Hayden takes a seat next to Shane’s bed and looks at him, really takes in his bruised face and broken bones. He’s going to get upset if he thinks about Shane’s pain too much.
“Hayden,” Shane asks, suddenly very serious. Hayden tenses immediately, a little nervous that something is wrong. “Have you ever had, like, really good sex?”
He’s shocked, to say the least. Normal Shane does not talk about sex. Ever. He dodges the subject with ninja-like precision. In fact, if Hayden didn't know that Shane has someone he sneaks out to meet so frequently, he would think Shane is still a virgin.
“Uh yeah, buddy, I have,” Hayden says with an amused smile.
“With Jackie, right?” Shane asks. There's an earnest expression on his face, like he's really making sure it was with Jackie, which is kind of adorable.
Hayden nods. He doesn’t mention that he’s only had sex with Jackie, because that’s not the point.
“Mmm. Me too. Not with Jackie, though. But you knew that,” Shane says, and he has this blissed out smile on his face that tells Hayden he’s thinking about this really good sex right now. Hayden doesn’t pry. He knows sober Shane would be embarrassed from what little he’s said already.
But high Shane does not give a fuck. “Did you know guys can come without even touching their dicks?” He blurts suddenly.
Hayden sees his life flash before his eyes. “Um. No, I didn’t know that. How?”
Why did he ask that? He does not want Shane to elaborate on his sex life. If he’s truly so curious, he can just do a damn Google search.
“It’s the miracle of the prostate. Like, when he fucks me. I just come so fast, and so much. It’s like his dick has the GPS coordinates for my prostate,” Shane says dreamily.
He? His dick? Hayden's skin prickles with guilt. He suddenly feels very uncomfortable, because Shane isn’t telling him this because he wants to; he’s telling him because he’s high as fuck and doesn’t really have the wherewithal to filter what he’s saying.
It feels like he’s invading Shane’s privacy, maybe even taking advantage of his drugged up state. Shane being gay is totally fine with Hayden, would even make some sense, but he should get to share that information if and when he actually wants to, not when he’s high off pain meds and emotionally dealing with the fact that he’s definitely out for the playoffs.
“Maybe we should, uh… talk about something else,” Hayden suggests gently, trying to spare Shane from the inevitable embarrassment when he comes down from the drugs and realizes what he said. Unfortunately, Shane does not listen to him.
“He fucks me so good, Hayden. And oh my god, the edging. Do you know about edging? It’s torture, but then when he finally lets me come…” With his uninjured hand, Shane mimics his mind exploding, making the sound effect and everything.
“Wow, that good, huh?” Hayden asks.
“Yes. Wait. Have you ever had your dick sucked by another guy? It’s unreal, because they know exactly what is good.” Shane has this dopey smile on his face that would be endearing if they weren’t talking about this.
Hayden supposes that would be true, that a guy probably would know better, but he also does not want to know more. Especially not from his best friend.
“But it’s nothing like sucking his cock. Where is the doctor? I need to ask when I can suck dick again. My mouth is so empty right now.” Shane tries to sit up, but then he winces and slumps back into the bed.
“Uh. So Jackie’s at home with the kids, and—“
“I want kids with him. One day,” Shane says with the softest smile. “He doesn’t know yet, but I love him. I’m not supposed to, but I do.”
Hayden’s heart hurts. He couldn’t imagine a universe where he’s not supposed to love Jackie. How does Shane do this? How does he even continue to play hockey, acting cool and collected, as if the weight of this secret isn’t crushing him?
“He’s so good with kids, too. He’ll be such a good dad,” Shane sighs. “Probably annoying and competitive, and if our kids play sports, it will be a disaster. He’ll get kicked out of games for arguing with the refs, probably. But it won’t matter because he’ll be the best dad ever.”
“I bet he will be,” Hayden says. He has no idea who they’re talking about, but he figures agreeing is the best move right now. Plus, if he’s someone Shane is into, then, yeah, this nameless guy probably will be a good father.
“I wish he could get me pregnant,” Shane says suddenly. “Maybe, maybe the doctor can tell me how to make that happen. Can you call someone in here?” Shane places his hands on his stomach as if there’s legitimately a real baby in there.
“Yeah, maybe later. We should probably talk about something else, though.”
“We were supposed to fuck tonight. I was gonna let him fold me into whatever position he wanted. His own personal pretzel. And then I was going to invite him to my cottage for the summer, too. Like a little vacation. Or… a gaycation.” Shane laughs at his own joke. He looks so free and relaxed and Hayden kind of wants to let him keep talking solely because he knows Shane never lets himself live like this. “Then we would have all this alone time together. For more sex, duh, but also… nice things, too. Cuddling. Cooking.” Shane sighs contentedly at the thought.
“I bet that will be nice,” Hayden says, just to comfort Shane.
“I hope he says yes.”
Tilting his head in confusion, Hayden asks, “Why wouldn’t he say yes?”
Shane sighs. “We’re not supposed to be together. ‘S a secret. We’re not even dating.” Shane’s lip starts wobbling the more he speaks, and Hayden is scared he’s going to cry.
“Well, you should ask him to be your boyfriend, then.”
Shane shakes his head. “You don’t get it. It’s not that simple.”
Hayden genuinely wants to understand. He gets that it’s probably complicated, being gay in the NHL, but… couldn’t they just date in secret? He says as much, and Shane looks almost irritated about it.
“We aren’t supposed to even be friends,” Shane whines. “This is too sad. Let’s talk about sex again.”
Those are words Hayden truly never thought he would hear from Shane Hollander’s mouth. He also never wanted to hear them, and yet… here he is, hearing them.
“Uh, if that’s what you really want, sure.”
“Mmhmm. His dick is magic. Don’t tell him I said that, though. He’ll get too cocky.” Shane pauses, then his words seem to sink in. “Haha. Cocky. Get it? Like cock. His magical cock. He says I was made to take it and I think he might be right.”
Hayden nods shakily. Part of him thinks he should just let Shane get all of this out before someone else comes in here, someone who might not be so kind. Someone who might share his secrets.
“I miss him. I should call him. Do you think he could fuck me even when I have a broken collarbone? I feel empty.”
Shane tries to reach for his phone, but fortunately his injuries prevent him from leaning too far forward. Otherwise, Hayden was going to have to intervene. He’s a good friend, damnit, and he would not let his heavily medicated friend contact his… whatever this guy is to him.
“I learned I can come three times in an hour. He wants to try for four. I might let him, even though I’ll probably die after.”
The idea of four orgasms in an hour makes Hayden’s dick hurt. He wonders what kind of wild sex Shane is having where that’s even on the table.
“I’d let him do anything to me, probably. Do you think he’ll fuck me in this hospital bed? Is it even possible to get hard when you have a broken bone?”
“I’m pretty sure that’s still possible,” Hayden says. He doesn’t really know how to have a conversation with Shane right now, but he’s resigned to just letting Shane talk until he tires himself out.
“Top five sexual experiences, go,” Shane randomly says before pausing, presumably waiting for Hayden to answer.
Shane doesn’t wait long, though. “Okay, I’ll tell you mine. The first time he fucked me, obviously. Oh, when I rode him before the tuna melts. And then what we did after the tuna melts… Hayd, you don’t even want to know. I’ll give you a hint, though: he spit in my hand for me.”
Hayden blinks in response. Shane’s smile fades to a frown.
“And then I messed everything up that day. Oh, fuck, I forgot about that… but now everything is better again.” Hayden watches as Shane's face goes through a roller coaster of emotions while he narrates his thoughts. “And now I went and got my collarbone broken, when we were supposed to fuck like crazy last night. He doesn’t even know the things I was gonna let him do to me. Do you want to know?”
“I’m okay, but thanks for the offer,” Hayden says, trying to keep his cool. He's beginning to wonder how he is going to look Shane in the eye going forward now that he knows about this side of his best friend.
“Okay. Your loss.” Shane thinks for a moment. “I’m hungry. Do they have jell-o here? I want some jell-o.”
Hayden would be willing to bet serious money that Shane hasn’t eaten jell-o in over a decade. He wrestles with the idea that Shane should get to eat some jell-o since he’s injured, and with the knowledge that he will be undoubtedly upset once he comes off the pain meds if he learns he broke his stupid diet.
But Hayden’s paternal instincts are kicking in, and he wants to give injured Shane anything he wants. “Yeah, I can ask.”
“Yayyyyyyy. Do you think we could play hockey on jell-o?”
“I think it would be too floppy,” Hayden replies. Shane nods sagely, as if that was the answer he was sadly anticipating.
“Wait. You never told me your top five sexual experiences,” Shane says suddenly, an exaggeratedly grumpy look on his face.
“I, uh. I don’t know what to say. It’s all good with Jackie.”
“I get that. It’s the same for me. Not with Jackie, I promise.”
Hayden laughs. It’s endearing, the way Shane has assured him twice that he’s never slept with Jackie. That’s not a thing Hayden would have ever thought would happen anyway, because Shane has always been a dependable friend. Plus, he definitely would not think that Shane would have slept with Jackie now, not since discovering he’s gay.
“I know. I promise I didn’t think you had sex with Jackie.”
“Haha. I could barely have sex with Rose. Sorry. Jackie is gorgeous, but I am so gay. Rose even figured it out. I was that bad at sex with her.”
Well, there are some answers to what happened with Rose. Hayden had definitely been curious, but when Shane hadn’t said much, he figured it was a sore subject and decided not to push.
“I’m good at sex with him, though. Soooo good. God. Where is he? I want him to come visit. I want to kiss him,” Shane rambles.
Hayden hesitates. “Do you… want me to call him?”
“No, he knows I’m here. He must be so worried. I hope he comes soon. It’s probably a really bad idea. But, like… I just want to hold his hand.”
And then Shane folds his hands in his lap as if he’s waiting patiently.
Hayden is a good friend, so he’s still there two hours later when someone unexpected comes into the room. Before he can even play guard dog for Shane, something even more unexpected happens
“Ilyaaaaa!” Shane says, and he sounds happier than Hayden has ever heard before.
“Um. Hello, Hollander,” Rozanov says stiffly, his eyes shifting nervously to Hayden.
“What are you doing here?” Hayden sneers. He already swung at Marlowe today, he might as well add Rozanov to his list.
“I am just coming to check on fellow captain. Is polite, no?” Ilya asks, and Hayden narrows his eyes.
“Ilya, it’s okay. He knows I love you,” Shane whispers, except it’s probably the loudest whisper Hayden has ever heard.
All at once, the things Shane has been saying shift into place.
I’m not supposed to love him.
We’re not supposed to be together.
We aren’t even supposed to be friends.
Holy shit. Shane is in love with Ilya fucking Rozanov. Hayden kind of wants to punch Rozanov in the face for this, but when he glances back at him, he almost looks… scared. But then it shifts briefly into something fond, before ending on his classic look of steely indifference.
And then Shane seems to realize what he said, because he comically slaps his hand over his mouth.
“Oops! I wasn’t supposed to tell you like that. Oh well.” The drugs are doing a remarkable job at keeping Shane calm, because Hayden is pretty sure normal Shane would have an aneurysm if he knew he accidentally confessed his love like that.
“Is okay, moy lyubimyy,” Ilya says, stepping forward and touching Shane’s cheek tenderly. It makes Hayden’s heart hurt a little. It also makes his stomach turn, because it’s so bizarre seeing Ilya Rozanov being so… gentle.
Shane and Ilya are staring at each other longingly, and Hayden gets the feeling he should give them some alone time. He excuses himself to the hallway and then awkwardly shuffles out of the room. He’s not even sure either of the two notice, considering how intensely they’re looking at each other.
Outside Shane’s room, Hayden feels his thoughts racing. He feels like he needs to call Jackie, and also probably schedule an appointment with a therapist. Instead he stands there motionlessly for close to ten minutes, just staring at the generic hospital wall art while he processes everything he learned over the past few hours.
It’s not long before Rozanov comes outside and shuts the door gently behind himself.
“Pike. You won’t tell anyone of this,” Rozanov says definitively, staring forward at the wall rather than at Hayden.
“No, I promise I won’t.”
Rozanov looks at Hayden now, fiery determination in his eyes. “I know. Otherwise I will make you long for days of being 15th best Montreal player.”
Hayden swallows slowly and nods.
Ilya shifts nervously, glancing back towards Shane’s room. “I have to go. But you will text me updates, please?”
Hayden is surprised again, genuinely impressed with how concerned Rozanov seems to be. Like this thing with Shane really does mean something more to him, too.
“Uh, yes. I will,” Hayden says nervously, reaching out to shake Rozanov’s hand.
“Did Hollander— did he say anything else to you?” Rozanov asks hesitantly.
Hayden really doesn’t want to discuss this, but he figures he at least owes him the truth. “Just a lot about your sex life. Sorry.”
Rozanov grins. “No need to be sorry. Now you know rumors are true. I am god in bed.”
Hayden rolls his eyes. Of course Rozanov wouldn’t care about that shit. He’d probably get every single one of Shane’s comments printed on a t-shirt and wear it proudly.
Then Hayden remembers something else Shane had said over the past few hours.
“Did he… ask you anything?” Hayden doesn’t know if this is crossing a line, since it’s a more… personal question. But he’s a little bit invested now, so he has to power through.
Rozanov stares at him, unmoving, until slowly he begins to nod solemnly. “He asked me to come to his cottage this summer. I said I do not know.”
“You should go. I still don’t understand this whole thing,” Hayden motions aimlessly in the air. “But for what it’s worth, I can tell you mean a lot to him. And I might not know you very well, but I can tell he means a lot to you, too.”
Rozanov stares at him for a long moment. “Okay. I will leave now. Tell your three hundred kids I am sorry their father is not better hockey player.”
And with that, Ilya is gone. And Hayden’s entire world has been turned on its side.